The Barbecue

It was a balmy summers evening and my wife Amanda had invited my older sister Karen and her husband Tom to come round for a barbecue and drinks. It was a casual affair, just the four of us, so we were all informally dressed, Tom and I in t-shirts shorts and sandals, the girls in summer skirts and light sleeveless tops.

Amanda enjoyed the barbecues we often had with friends, as cooking at these was very much the man’s job and she could just relax, have a glass or two of wine, and enjoy a chat with the other women while I did all the preparation and cooking.

I was working away at the barbecue wearing my cooks apron when Karen shouted over to me.

“ You’ve still got your great shapely legs Steve, with that apron on from the front it looks just like you are wearing a skirt, just like in the old days.”

Despite me giving her a furious glare she continued to talk about my legs to Amanda.

“ When we were kids, being the older sister, I used to get Steve to join in dress-up games with me and my friends, and we included him in our gang as an honorary girl. in his early teens he was in skirts as often as he was in trousers, and he always had great legs, nice and slim, not all knobbly and muscular like most boys’, and his legs are still very shapely.”

My misspent youth became the main topic of conversation for the whole of the evening, from dressing up as a fairy princess for halloween, going to Karens’s slumber parties where my hair was plaited, my nails painted and we all experimented with makeup, and even going shopping with her trying on dresses. I was absolutely livid with Karen, it totally ruined my enjoyment of what had promised to be a pleasant fun evening, the stories were not the sort of things that I wanted bandied about. It was bad enough that Karen learned about it all, but Tom was a pain in the backside, making jokes and sarcastic and rude comments about me all the time. I was glad to see them leave for home.

“ Calm down Steve, you have been in a bad mood all night, you have no need to be upset. You had a bit of experimenting with life on the pink side when you were younger, but so what, you have never given me any cause to consider you anything other than all man, come to bed and show me that is all behind you.”

Over the next few weeks, i couldn’t get it all out of my mind. As I had grown into my teens, I realised that Karen treating me as her kid sister was not normal and I stopped hanging around with her and her friends. Instead I made friends with some of the boys from school, going to the football matches, drinking in the local park swapping stories of our fantasies about the girls in our class and generally being the normal rowdy youth. All the girly games and stuff from my childhood were put to the back of my mind and forgotten, but after a few drinks she had brought it all back to haunt me.

Amanda realised that it had annoyed and upset me so she didn’t mention it again, but I just could not get it filed away in the back of my subconscious. Although it was preying on my mind, it was not something I wanted to talk to her about, it was a part of my life that looking back I was ashamed of, the more I thought about it, the more it unsettled me.

Amanda and I were doing quite well for ourselves and were living a comfortable middle-class life, she was working as a legal secretary in a large local solicitors office, and I was working as a graphic designer for a major advertising agency, both fairly well paid and responsible jobs.

Things changed overnight for me at work, one of the senior partners was involved in a scandal about illegal kick-backs to the marketing director of one of our major clients, our reputation went down the pan and a lot of our projects dried up almost instantly, our company was suddenly persona-non-grata. Most of the staff including me were encouraged to leave to see if there were better long-term prospects elsewhere, a polite way of saying we were sacked.

The general economy was in a bit of a recession, advertising budgets were being cut back and none of the other agencies were taking on staff, and coming from a scandal-hit company we were all tainted by the corruption and it was even harder for us to find new positions.

Luckily Amanda’s company was riding out the recession quite well, lawyers and accountants always seem to thrive in a recession, when times are hard for everybody else it increases the demand for their services. The firm had appointed a new senior partner and he took on Amanda as his Personal assistant, PA, at an increased salary which was just enough to keep us going and pay the bills, with a bit left over for luxuries.

While I was looking for work, I took over the running of the house, shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as the gardening and all the DIY jobs. We settled into a routine, with Amanda becoming the main breadwinner, The days and weeks turned into months and no suitable jobs turned up for me, the only industries that seemed to be recruiting were the supermarkets and DIY stores. I was willing to take on anything just to get back the dignity of working again, but I was repeatedly getting told that i was far over-qualified for the checkout-operator or general-assistant vacancies that were available.

I found that to pass the time between household chores I was watching a lot of daytime tv, which is predominately aimed at stay-at-home housewives or young mothers, and whilst I was interested in and got inspiration from the cookery features, the fashion items and most of the social issue discussions were of no interest to me. That is until one day when the interviews were with a couple of drag artists, who I thought looked pretty grotesque, they looked and acted as a parody of females rather than like genuine everyday women. It made me think again of Karen’s comments at the barbecue about my shapely legs and I how I had looked dressed as a girl, and I started to wonder if they would still look good in a skirt and decided to find out.

Karen and I are not really similar in size, I am a good 4 inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than she is, so there was very little in her wardrobe that I could possibly try on to see the effect, but I found a wrap-around sort of beach sarong that fit comfortably. I looked at my reflection in the full length wardrobe mirror, and although I hated her for bringing it to everyone’s attention, Karen was right, I did have a shapely pair of legs. I remembered the feeling of freedom wearing a skirt, no rubbing or restrictions of trousers on my legs, the breeze gently blowing on the bare skin and the brush of the hem on the back of the knees, although I wore shorts a lot in the summer, it was not the same.

It was a housekeeping day, the garden had been tidied yesterday, the shopping had all been done, today was cleaning and cooking around the house, so I decided to just keep on the skirt while I did my chores. I soon ignored the fact I was wearing it and just got on with things like normal, and just remembered in time to get changed and put the skirt back in the wardrobe before Amanda arrived home.

“Hi dear, it looks like you have been busy today, the place is all tidy and spic and span, and something in the kitchen smells nice and tasty, if you cannot find a job soon, I could get used to this.”

This went on for a couple of weeks before I decided that all my old feelings of dressing as a girl were coming back, but I knew that I couldn’t keep wearing the same skirt, it would soon get filthy and worn looking. While I was out grocery shopping I browsed the hypermarket clothing shelves and quickly found a couple of skirts and tops and a pack of panties and a bra which were not too pricey, and rushed through the checkout without my normal friendly chat in a hurry to get out of there before anyone noticed me with women's’ clothes. It was late afternoon and there wasn’t time to try them all on at home, so I put them away at the back of my wardrobe before Amanda got back.

It quickly turned into working everyday wearing my skirt and top and with my bra padded out, I found that I adjusted easily to the ‘housewife’ role and didn’t feel resentful at having to do it because I couldn’t get a job as a man. I was happy around the house as I was, although when out shopping or doing the garden I did revert back to my man clothes.

The inevitable happened, one day Amanda was home early and caught me dressed.

“ Oh Steve, what on earth are you doing, you have been a bit moody ever since that barbecue with Karen and Tom, I knew that you wanted to forget all about it so I haven’t mentioned it, but I didn’t realise that it had affected you this much.”

“ Sorry you found out like this, i’ll go and get changed, you shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

“ No, stay as you are, I want you to tell me all about this, how long this has been going on?”

“ When we were kids, I looked up to Karen as my big sister, and because had no close friends as there were no boys my age in our village, i used to hang around with her and her friends. When she started getting me wearing dresses and playing with dolls with her I saw nothing wrong with it. I even enjoyed the slumber parties with her and her friends. It was all good fun and they just treated me as another girl, there was no nasty name-calling or anything like that. When I got to be thirteen or so, I realised that it was not normal and gradually broke away from them all and became ‘one of the lads.’ I thought that I had put it all behind me, especially after I met and settled down with you, there was no need for any of it anymore. Then Karen burst the bubble at the barbecue and I couldn’t stop thinking about wearing skirts again. A couple of weeks ago, I bought these clothes and started working around the house all day like this, it sort of put me in a comfort zone where I was not worrying about it any more. You must be disgusted with me now that you have seen me.”

“I’m surprised, even shocked, but not disgusted, you obviously had a troubled childhood and in your deep subconscious it has affected you. I have always loved you and still do despite this, we need to work this through together.”

“ Thanks for not shouting and screaming at me and walking out, I couldn’t blame you if you want to.”

“ Don’t be daft, I’m going nowhere, I’m here to help. You actually do not look too bad as a woman, and I do like your outfit, it goes well together and actually suits you, and I can see what Karen meant about your legs. If you are going to continue with this, you have to do it properly, first things first, you need to shave your arms and legs. the hairy bits do not go with your new look.

After dinner, I will see what I can do with your hair, because you have not been working and haven’t bothered getting it cut, it has grown out a bit, I think I can turn it into something passable as feminine. You have obviously done something nice for dinner, let’s sit down and enjoy it and no more talk of how you are dressed until afterwards, let’s just have our normal conversations for a while.”

“ Are you sure you want to go on with this Steve, because one way or another we need to sort this out? Do you want to continue dressing as a woman, because if you do it needs to be full-time and you need to be committed to it.”

“I still want to go back to my normal life, get a job and go out to work, but as long as I am acting as the housewife, I feel more comfortable dressing like one, yes I would like to keep at it for the moment.”

“Right, get upstairs to the bathroom and shave everywhere you can reach, shower and shampoo and condition your hair, put on a dressing gown and come back down and we will see what we can do for a hairstyle.”

After I was all cleaned up, she played with my hair for about an hour, slightly trimming it here and there, putting it into rollers where she could and brushing it out before giving it a spray.

“Well, what do you think?” she asked holding up a mirror for me. i was amazed at what she had done, my hair was now it an attractive wedge bob and looked so feminine, there was no way it looked anything other than a woman’s style.

“ That will do for tonight Steve, or if you prefer, Steph, I always liked Stephanie as a name.”

“ Steph sounds good, I can live with that.”

“Tomorrow, after I have gone to work.I want you to dress up properly, put on some makeup if you can remember how from all those sessions as a teenager with Karen, become a woman for the day, and when I come home in the evening I want to see Steph in all her glory. Right, let’s go to bed, I need you as Steve for a while tonight.”

In the morning after Amanda had left for work, I had a close shave and trimmed my eyebrows, before raiding her makeup cupboard and applying a light foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blusher and lipstick, and brushing my hair out into almost the same style she had given me last night, before getting dressed. I had a wear-about-the house-outfit on, a mid-thigh denim skirt, a light pale blue short sleeved, v-necked, stretch top, which really highlighted my artificial breasts formed from bags of birdseed, put on the only pair of her sandals that were comfortable for me, and I was ready to face the day as Stephanie.

I was working away in the kitchen when I heard someone at the door. After a quick look from the front room window, seeing a delivery van, I felt brave enough to answer the door to find a courier, holding a big bouquet of flowers. “Delivery for Stephanie Williams, sign here please.”

I quickly thanked him, relieved that I had passed his appreciative assessment of my looks, and returned to the kitchen to read the card that came with the flowers. “ I hope you are enjoying your day Stephanie. I look forward to seeing you later, Love Amanda xx.”

I felt that she deserved something special rather than the routine shepherds pie I was making and decided to go to the supermarket for a nice piece of fish, to make a ‘salmon en croute’, one of her favourites, a light fruit flan and cream for desert, and a couple of bottles of wine, to celebrate a new beginning.

I borrowed one of her jackets, which just fit if I didn’t try to button it up, and a handbag for my wallet, keys, phone, and a few extras and set off for my first time out into the world as Stephanie since my teenage years. Despite my worries, the trip to the shops was uneventful, I was just one of the many women out getting their groceries and nobody gave me a second glance. I took the opportunity to get myself couple of pairs of shoes, my feet were at least a size and a half bigger than hers and none of her many shoes were comfortable on me.

She came home to find the dining table properly set, with our best silverware and crystal glasses with candles already glowing, threw her coat and some parcels she was carrying onto a chair and gave me a big hug.

“ This all looks gorgeous Steph, and so do you, if it doesn’t sound conceited I think you look a bit like a bigger version of me, same hair and eye colouring and similar features.,This all deserves better than me sitting here in my work clothes or the normal casual stuff I change into when I get home, I’m going up to put on a decent dress. I was going to save this for later, but we can’t have you looking like Cinderella when I am all dressed up, that parcel over there is a dress I bought for you today, try it on while I am upstairs.While you are doing that , take out those bags of birdseed, that little box is a pair of silicone breast forms, use them instead, they will be much better”

I opened the big parcel to find a lovely scarlet cocktail dress, and quickly stripped out of my skirt and top, and tried it on. It was a perfect fit, with a low boat- neck collar and a flared skirt and I was giving a twirl to see how the skirt flared out, when Amanda came down the stairs and saw me.

“ That’s one of the god things about being a woman, no matter how professional or successful you are, little beats the feel of trying on a new dress for the first time. You are stunning.”

“ I don’t deserve you Amanda, this is so thoughtful of you, and thank you so much for the flowers, it is the first time anyone has ever bought them for me. Let’s enjoy the moment and sit down to dinner before our thoughts turn to other things.”

“ I loved the meal Steph, you know what I like. I didn’t know we had the salmon in the freezer, it’s one of my favourites you must get some more.”

“ Rather than look in the freezer I thought that for a special occasion that fresh would be better, so I went shopping.”

“Dressed as Steph? That’s amazing, were you all right ?”

“ No problems, I just blended in, I even had a chat with the girl on the checkout. I don’t think I will have any worries about doing it again.”

We cleared the table and sat relaxing for a while, finishing the wine before giving in to our feelings and headed upstairs to bed. Whilst we had never had any problems between the sheets, that night was special, we made love energetically and repeatedly before falling into a deep contented sleep in each others arms.

Our life became more of the same, Amanda out at work and Stephanie looking after the house, and I was becoming more and more accepting of living the role of a woman. One Saturday the doorbell rang when Amanda was upstairs. “Can you get that Steph, I am expecting a delivery and that will probably be it.” to my Horror, it was not a courier, but Carol, one of our neighbours.”

“ Are Amanda or Steve in, I’m Carol from across the road.” While I was trying to get my brain in gear and reply, Carol breezed downstairs and took over.

“ Hi Carol, I see you have met Steph, she is a cousin of mine and will be staying with me for a while. Steve found a job at last but the bad side is that he will be away travelling a lot, so Steph has come to stay to keep me company, you should see her around a lot for a while.”

“ Pleased to meet you Steph, now Amanda has mentioned it, I can see a bit of a family resemblance. If ever you feel like having a coffee and chat, pop over, I’ll be glad of the company.”

“ Nice to meet you too Carol, I might take you up on that, don’t be surprised if I turn up at your door.”

“ What can we do for you Carol?” asked Amanda trying to change the conversation.

“Actually, it was Steve I was after. A few of my friends that I was at University with are scattered all over the country and another group are local and are in the house all day alone, some are near enough for us to meet, others live the other side of town. I have been trying to set up some WhatsApp groups so at least we can all have a video-chat occasionally and arrange to get together, as a book club or to go on outings, but I am struggling, I thought that Steve could probably sort me out, I know he is very good with computers and stuff.”

“ That’s not a problem, Steph is pretty good at it all too, I am sure that she can sort something out for you.” Amanda volunteered before I could get a chance to say no.

“ I’ll pop over tomorrow lunchtime and we will see what we can do, if you all have computers or tablets it will be much better to use Zoom, you can all see each other and talk just as if you were in a room together.”

“That sounds brilliant Steph, I’m ok with my laptop, I’ll check with the others, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When Carol had left I gave Amanda a ‘what have you done to me’ look, but said nothing in case I said the wrong thing.

“ Look Steph, if you hide yourself away, people will wonder who you are and become suspicious and questioning, the more you get out and meet people, the more you will be seen as just another one of the neighbours. Besides, the more you interact with other women the more you will pick up their habits and mannerisms and the more realistic and believable you will appear. If you help out Carol, word will soon get around that Steph is a nice friendly addition to the area and you will not have to be careful about being seen out doing the garden or going for a walk. This is a good opportunity for you to live out your fantasy and either get it out of your system or accept that is who you prefer to be, either way you can stop worrying about who you are.”

In the morning, i was bit heavier with the foundation and more careful with the eye makeup, it was one thing talking to someone across a room, but being right next to them looking at computer screens would show up any flaws in my skin a lot more clearly. After tidying up the house and putting a casserole in the slow cooker to look after itself while I was out, I went over to see Carol. I had expected it to be just her and me sorting out the problem, but there were three of her friends there as well, all wanting instructions as to how to set up their laptops.

While we were getting to know each other over coffee and biscuits, Carol introduced me to Jackie (Jaqueline), Meg(Margaret), and Nell(Ellen) who all lived nearby and who were keen to be involved and to meet me, so they could get in touch if they had problems. They all had laptops with them, already connected in to Carol’s wifi router. After describing the befits of Zoom, they all agreed that being able to see each other and talk to each other was much preferable to text chat or one-to-one video chat with WhatsApp. They all downloaded the app and I took them through the process of scheduling and running sessions and we held a trial get-together to let them get familiar with its use. They were delighted at how clearly I had explained it all to them and how easy it was to use.

“ Thanks ever so much Steph that looks brilliant and you explained it all so well, no confusing computer buzz-words, no baffling us with technology. If we had a man explaining it to us it would have been a lot more intimidating. Will you help me run a couple of sessions with more people involved if I arrange a time with everybody, and you would be welcome to join in the chat with us all?” Carol asked me.

“ Of course, i’ll be delighted, glad to help, just let me know when.”

I stayed with them for another hour or so, listening to the general chat and local gossip and learned more about what was going on in the neighbourhood than I had in all the time I had lived there. I really enjoyed their company and felt at ease as one of the women.

Over the next few weeks, I met up with Carol and her friends regularly and was totally accepted by them. Instead of being on my own in the house all day, I suddenly had a group of friends, and as well as helping to manage their Zoom chats, i was invited into their houses or to go into town shopping with them. It reminded me of going out with the girls as a teenager and all the fun I had had with them.

Other than in the bedroom I was now becoming more and more natural as Stephanie, being with women all the time, I began to follow their interests in hobbies, family life, TV programmes and magazines and my old life as Steve was fading away, but I began to get worried about how Amanda felt about it all and decided we needed a serious talk.

“ It has been a few months now that I have been living totally as a woman, wearing women’s clothes, and with women friends, it is becoming second nature to me now and I am settled and a lot happier. Are you comfortable with all this, it must be weird for you? Does nobody ever ask what has happened to Steve, his being no longer around must have been noticed?”

“ Steve being missing has been easily explained away as I have said that he had an affair when he was working away, that we have now separated, and that he will not be coming back, nowadays most people accept that scenario as quite believable. Steph, if I was unhappy with it all you would have been told by now, I have got used to seeing you wearing skirts and dresses, and in many ways you have become a better friend as well as remaining my lover when it is needed. If you are happier living this way, I have no problems with that. The only thing that worries me is that you are turning into a stay-at-home housewife, you do not seem to be interested in your career at all, you see to have stopped looking for work.”

“ The job market is still not good, i keep checking but nothing is available and if anything comes up it goes very quickly, and besides there is the problem of me now living as a woman, all my official documents list me as male.”

“ Documentation is easy to deal with, our practice has recently been through that for two transgender clients, getting your National Insurance records, driving licence, and passport changed is now almost routine.There may not be any jobs available in your preferred field but you could use your IT skills in any number of roles. The way you helped Carol showed that you not only have the knowledge but can pass it on to others. Even most small companies are now heavily dependent on internet sales and marketing and many are hiring consultants to design, set up, and troubleshoot their systems for them, you could do that. Working for yourself as a consultancy would avoid the problems of dealing with HR people and company records in a large firm. I might even be able to get you started off by reorganising our system at work, let me discuss it with the Senior partner.”

That was the start of a new career and business venture for me. reorganising the system in Amanda’s office soon led to contracts with some of their clients, and along with working for the companies of the husbands of Meg and Nell, I soon built up a solid and regular client base, and was working full-time again. Many of my clients were initially surprised and dubious at a woman working in IT, but my speedy successful resolution of their problems, my easy-going manner and my ability to clearly explain what I was doing soon won them over.

My time with Carol and the girls was now limited, but they had been the trigger to start me off in this, so I made sure that I still met up with them regularly and chatting with them helped me relax and de-stress from the pressures of work. I owed them a lot, they had welcomed me into their circle of friends and by being in their company i had easily adjusted to behaving as just another woman, all traces of my former life as Steve soon faded away.

The holiday season was soon coming and Amanda took a call from my sister Karen, inviting us round for Christmas dinner. She was disappointed that she had not heard from us since the barbecue, missed our company and was looking forward to seeing us again.

We decided to go, but I had to go as Stephanie, it was who I now had become, I had to let her know sometime what had become of me and really made an effort for the occasion. I booked in to get my hair re-styled and total makeover beforehand, wore the scarlet cocktail dress that Amanda had bought me and we were soon at Karen’s, arriving a bit earlier than we had arranged.

She answered the door, gave Amanda a welcome hug, and gave me a questioning look before recognising me.

“ Oh my god, is that you Steve?”

“ It’s Steph now, are you going give your little sister a hug then?”

“ Come on in I am still in shock, I need to sit down with a drink while you tell me all about what you have been doing. to yourself.”

Luckily Tom was at the neighbours giving them a hand with problems they were having with their Christmas lights, and I was able to tell her that her comments at the barbecue had triggered all my memories of the dress-up games and days out with her and her friends when we were younger, and how it all led to me now living full-time as a woman.

“ I’m sorry if I was the cause of all this, i didn’t mean to upset you, it was all just a bit of banter, but you sound happy as you are and are looking gorgeous, I hope you don’t hold it against me for letting out all your secrets.”

You’re right, we are both happy with things as they now are and in a way I should be thanking you. You seem happy enough with the new me, but how do you think Tom will take it?”

“ Don’t worry about him, if he steps out of line I will put him in his place, and he may even find that he will have to wear skirts too, that should make him control what he says.”

After the initial shock and time to think about it, Tom behaved himself and we all had a happy celebration dinner and by the time we had to leave for home he had accepted the new me and even gave me a goodbye hug, just as he had done with Amanda.

“ When the winter is passed and it is warming up again let’s get together for another barbecue, maybe it can lead to something as exciting as the last one.”

The end