"What's the use of your PP if you want to be penetrated?"

It was the next day, we were having breakfast prepared by me, poached eggs, hollandaise sauce and store brought muffins. It was delicious, I had prepared it with a focus that allowed me distractions from last night.

After our session, she had retired to the bedroom leaving me on the couch. Again. Clearly, the food wasn't delicious enough for her, as she was still bothered by my admission last night.

I looked up, pained at the memory of what I had admitted.

"I don't know, not much use apart from peeing"

She looked thoughtful, "Yet you did have sex with me the way men do. You are so different than other desi guys. Such a thing would be beneath them. They would never admit to it like you did"

I ate the eggs which were poached and seasoned perfectly and drenched in sauce.

She touched my forearm and said, "Why did you force yourself to have sex with me, if you didn't want to do it the way we used to do?"

"It was what was expected of me, to give you pleasure, is part of my duties. I did it because I wanted it to be perfect for you"

"But it wasn't what you wanted"

"No"

An understanding seemed to dawn up on her, behind her eyes. She smiled coyly and said, "Maybe we should lock up your PP, if you don't want to use it"

I was shocked and dropped the bite, splattering the table with sauce. She laughed and said, "Don't get your hopes up, I am just teasing you"

We began our session, as we had previously. We sat across from each other, in our respective chairs in the living room.

"You said, if you had a chance at becoming a full woman, you would take it. How would you look in that case?"

"I don't know, like a woman"

"You mean, you would want boobs?"

"Yes"

"How big?"

"Huh?"

She laughed, "How big would you have your melons be?"

"Not big, small"

"Smaller/bigger than mine?", she asked pointing to her perky and firm assets that I had pinched/massaged/suckled many a nights.

"Exactly like yours"

"You look cute when embarrassed. What about hair, would you grow it/prefer it short?"

"I would grow it"

"Okay, for now let's put a pin in it and continue after work"

We got ready and went to work each with our own musings. We both worked 9-5 corporate jobs. While hers was more technical, mine involved meeting with customers.

After work, I came home to find her cooking food for us, it was chicken curry with bhakari which is a sort of a tortilla made from cereals like jowar.

I put away my things and showered, while she plated the food. We ate in comfortable silence. For some reason, she was no longer stressed from last night.

She took a bite of chicken and said, "I wasn't having an affair"

"Huh? What?"

"When we weren't talking, I wasn't home"

"I wouldn't blame you, if you had, given what I put you through"

"Well, you did put the burden on us. It would have been easier if you had told me the truth before being engaged"

I didn't reply back and the meal was finished jn no time. I collected the dishes, washed, dried and put them away, while she cleaned the house.

After the chores, we were back in the chairs.

"You know, I have been thinking, while I don't agree to some of the things we discussed, maybe you can do other things which can give you some peace", she began.

"Like what?"

"Like you can grow out your hair, maybe even try some earrings"

"Really? It won't affect our marriage? It won't affect you? People will talk, make it bad for you"

"People always talk about things, they always have something bad to say for others. It won't affect me, just because you grew your hair or had your ears pierced"

"But it would bother you, if people called your husband a chakka"

"Yes, indeed, it would. Growing your hair, using jewellery is different than coming out as trans"

I replied, "Alright"

"Did you ever tell your parents?", she asked

"No, but my mom found out"

"How?"

"She caught me, one day, trying on her earrings"

"So you had your ears pierced and that was okay with her?"

"No, she didn't know I had pierced my ears. I didn't tell her"

"It's impossible to hide pierced ears. I am surprised, she or anyone from your family didn't notice"

"She didn't notice because I had them pierced the same day she caught me trying her earrings"

"What happened?"

"She was gone for work, no body was home. So I pierced my ears and put some of her earrings in. Before she came home, I took out those earrings and placed them back where they belonged. When she came home, she noticed the earrings were not placed as she usually does"

"How did she react?"

"That was the first time, she sat me down and explained to me kindly that me wearing women's earrings was wrong and a shameful act"

"So this happened multiple times?"

"Yes, I couldn't stop, I liked wearing earrings. Until one day she had enough"

"What did she do?"

I thought about how to tell her and said, "She beat me up, but it didn't end there"

"What else happened?"

"She got mad and told me to undress. She smeared make up products all over my body. When I tried to clean up, she locked the bathroom so I cleaned up in the toilet. She then dressed me up, put make up on me, all the while mocking me"

My wife was stunned, "That's horrible, I never imagined she would do something like this"

"She was stressed and never did anything lkke this again. There's more". I had suppressed this for so long, it felt good to get it out, to speak. "She then told me she would be taking me to all our neighbors' homes and show them what I was"

"This is mad, she really took her stress out on you. How did it make you feel?"

"Mostly sad, but a tiny part of me was overjoyed"

"That you had a chance to be feminine? However horrible the circumstances?"

"Yes"

"That's really messed up." A pause, then "Being feminine mattered so much to you, that you went through all that just because you got to feel feminine"

"Yes, maybe"

"Did she take you to your neighbors?"

"No"

"So no one knew apart from your parents that you were trans?"

"No, only my parents knew"

"What did they do?"

"Mostly ignored that I was trans. Whenever I tried talking about it later, I was made to feel shame and that it was unnatural"

She got up from her chair and came over to me and gave me a tender kiss. "I am truly sorry that you had to go through that. Overall, you are a good husband, a good partner. You do take care of me and put me first, even if sometimes, it may not be the way you want"

"Does this mean that I am forgiven?"

"No not yet, I am still mad but I am willing to take a chance to understand everything and save our marriage"