"What does being transgender mean for you?". That was how we began our way through all of this.
I responded, "It means that I have a feminine side to me which feels more authentic than the male side I present to the world. It means there is a constant expectation from myself to express my feminity".
She asked, "A femine side can mean a lot of things. Does it mean that you like men? Is that the way you feel feminine? By being romantically involved with other men?"
"No. I am not attracted to men in any way. For me, I feel the most feminine when I am with other women. I have attractions to women."
She asked, "How would you express your feminity?"
"What do you mean?"
"Feminity/masculinity, as per my understanding, is all about aesthetics. How you present yourself to other people. In general, women express their feminity by wearing feminine clothes, jewellery, accessories and so on. Would you express your feminity by wearing women's clothes and using other female aesthetics?"
"Yes"
"Does doing this involve a sexual angle for you? Does wearing women's clothes and jewellery cause you to be sexually aroused?"
"Ummm", I was embarrassed she was talking about my sexuality. She was quite open when talking about her sexuality and what she wanted, but I never thought I would have to discuss my sexuality with her.
Frankly, men in India are expected to be masculine and dominating towards women in terms of sexual relationships. They are not supposed to have alternative parts to their sexuality.
"Think hard and answer, remember no lies!"
"Okay, well, it's not the act of cross dressing, per se, that gives me sexual arousal. It's the idea about me being a woman, that makes me aroused."
"So your feminity gives you arousal, is that it?"
"Yes, maybe"
She asked, "Does expressing your feminity stop at aesthetics or is there more involved?"
"There is more to it than simple aesthetics. I don't want to be a man in a dress. If there was a chance that I could become a full woman, I would take it."
"By full woman, you mean a woman like appearance only or do you mean everything including female genitals?"
"I mean everything, not just appearance"
She looked confused by my answer. "So you are attracted to women and you should be a whole woman, complete with a vagina?"
"Yes"
"How would that work sexually? When we used to have sex, I as a woman would be the one penetrated and you as a man would do the penetrating"
"I feel like sexually I should be penetrated"
"Right, you feel like there should be a vagina between your legs which should be penetrated by another woman?"
"Yes"
She kept looking at me, dumbfounded. Then she raised one eyebrow and asked, "Would it give you sexual pleasure if I penetrated you?"
My heart skipped a beat. This was it. I would have to admit to my wife that her husband was a submissive bitch.
"Well, speak up, don't just sit there, tell me. Would you like it if I penetrated you? Used one of my toys on you?"
"Yes", I said, with tears in my eyes. She sighed and we sat in silence for a time. Once I was calm, she said, "I don't know, if I can do that for you. I don't know, if I can be your wife, your partner like that".
