“Okay,” I whisper to myself, before taking a deep breath and focusing on the words on the page in front of me. “Doctor, what should I do with this liver?”

“Well, fry it with some onions and some beans!” Comes the reply from George, one of my fellow students.

“…It’s a transplant liver, doctor, for humans,” I say in a deadpan voice, before grimacing. “Ah, shit, sorry, that should be ‘it’s a human liver for transplant’.”

“That’s okay Laura,” Mr. Irwin says sympathetically. “That’s why we do these run-throughs. From the top of the page, please.” I take a deep breath and sit back in my chair as I await my line again, only to grimace as I feel my friend lean into me with a smug grin on her face.

“Wonder why you’re distracted today?” Suri whispers, giggling as I playfully swat her arm with my script, which earns us both a shake of the head from our teacher. However, even this doesn’t wipe the smile from mine or Suri’s faces, and for a very good reason- today is Thursday the 14th of November 2019. Obviously, tomorrow being Friday would be a cause for excitement anyway, but tomorrow also marks exactly eighteen years to the day since I was born.

Eighteen years. As of midnight tonight, I will officially be an adult. No longer a girl- not in the legal sense, anyway- but a woman. Seven years ago, it seemed like an impossibility that I’d grow up to be any kind of woman, let alone the model, actress and dancer that I am today. And there have been days, even since that fateful day when mum asked me the question that changed my life, when I thought this goal was unattainable. But here I am. From tomorrow I’ll be legally allowed to drink alcohol, play the lottery, get married without my parents’ permission… and book operations without parental consent.

Over the last six and a bit years I’ve gone to great lengths to erase any aspects of myself that were even remotely male. And for the most part I’ve succeeded- my hair is long, my waist is slender but my hips are curved, I have breasts that are entirely made of flesh and blood and are indistinguishable from any other girl’s, I have soft, smooth, hairless skin, and even my voice sounds effortlessly female. But there are some parts of my body that haven’t changed. I still have a Y chromosome, and always will. My skeleton won’t change and can’t change. But there’s one other part of my body, one final part that I CAN change- or at least, from tomorrow, I can enquire about changing.

Consciously, I know I shouldn’t be too hung up about it (pun very much NOT intended). None of my friends care about my ‘birth defect’. None of my boyfriends have ever cared about it, even. But I care about it. It’s a constant reminder that I was born different- born wrong, even. And it’s a constant reminder that I, at the very least, used to be my 'father's son.

I also consciously know that having SRS to spite my father is the worst possible reason to have it- something my counsellor has reminded me of several times. I have to want it because I want it, and I have to be completely, 100% sure that it’s what I want. And it is. I’ve known as such for as long as I can remember. But even though it’s been almost a year since I last saw him, I can’t shake the feeling that he is my main motivation, that he's still controlling my life even from behind bars.

Fortunately, though, it’s something I don’t have to worry about right now. Not being ‘complete’ isn’t stopping me from being a model, actress or dancer. It’s not stopping me from sitting here wearing a form-fitting long-sleeved top and a black miniskirt. And it’s certainly not going to stop me from celebrating tomorrow- or today, judging by the excited looks on my friends’ faces as we head to the cafeteria for lunch.

“Ah, this one’s gonna be just fun!” Rachel giggles as we tuck in. “I’ve never acted in a comedy before, not on stage, anyway.”

“I’ve never worn a skimpy nurse’s uniform on stage before!” Suri laughs. “Not sure whether or not I should invite my parents to any performances, heh!”

“Same here,” I chuckle. “Especially as we’re only minor roles this time.”

“Yes, but-“ Phoebe begins before I cut her off.

“But I was one of the lead roles in the summer play, yes, I know,” I interrupt with a mock sigh.

“And the star of a viral music video too!” Rachel teases, making me smirk and blush.

“Hardly ‘viral’,” I mumble. “It’s barely got half a million hits in four months. My sister watches this guy with a moustache on YouTube who plays Minecraft, he puts out two videos a week and they get, like, 2 million views each.”

“Yeah, well, this is your band’s first video,” Suri reminds me. “It takes time to build up a fan base. You just need to be patient.” About more than just my career, I think to myself as our two new friends Allie and Diana show up- accompanied by their boyfriends.

Ever since my ‘intervention’ at summer, boys have been a very, VERY low priority for me. It’s not that I’m no longer attracted to boys (and there are many in college who are attracted to me), it’s more that I see now that the only reason I was with so many boys- or wanted to be, at least- was because subconsciously, I was using them to hurt myself- just as my counsellors told me I did with my eating disorder. And the reason I wanted to hurt myself was because I hoped that maybe, just maybe, it’d hurt Robert.

Needless to say, I’ve had many chats with both Dr Williamson and Dr Phillips since my ‘intervention’, and Robert (I refuse to EVER call him my father) has been the primary topic of most of them- when we’re not discussing SRS, anyway. And while I know that the recovery from SRS will be painful, I also know (and thankfully, so does my counsellor) that I'm NOT motivated by any desire to self-harm- or to harm Robert. My life is precisely that- MY life. And from tomorrow, that will be truer than ever, as my newest friend quickly reminds me.

“Hey girls!” Allie says with a confident giggle as she and her boyfriend sit down. “All ready for the big day tomorrow, then?”

“Been ready for, like, the last seven years,” I reply with a giggle of my own. “And it’s Saturday that’ll be the ‘big day’- well, the big party, anyway!” My grin widens as my friends all squeak excitedly, even though I do fidget a bit when Allie rests her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder. Even though boys are a low priority for me, that’s not say that I don’t want a boyfriend- just that I’d rather wait for a nice boyfriend, one I really click with, rather than jump into bed with the first cute guy I see. Even if there are plenty of cute guys, not just in college but everywhere else in my life too…

“What have you got planned for Saturday?” Diana asks me. “Have you, like, booked a hotel or anywhere?”

“Yep!” I reply with a smug grin. “Mum and Sean have gone all out, like, seriously, the party itself is my main present. Same goes for Ricky and Alice, too.”

“Yeah, you just keep casually name-dropping the Angel that your brother’s dating,” Phoebe teases, making me blush before she giggles again. “Seriously though, I am really looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” Rachel says with a warm smile that makes me blush. "Though I'm kinda surprised you couldn't, you know, persuade Charlotte Hutchinson to host the party at her house?"

"Or persuade any other Angels to stop by on Saturday?" Phoebe asks expectantly. "After all, you ARE Miss Heavenly Talent, right?"

"One of several hundred 'Miss Heavenly Talents'," I correct my friend. "Gonna be a while before I'm THAT, well, 'in' with the agency. Though honestly? I'd take all of you over all of the Angels any day of the week. God knows there were times I thought I’d never be able to spend my birthday with so many friends.”

“Well, you can never have too many,” Suri reminds me with a playful nudge. “And it’s not like your other birthdays were that bad, I was just remembering your twelfth the other day!”

“Aww, now this sounds cute,” Rachel teases, giggling as I roll my eyes. “This I’ve got- to- oh.” I frown with confusion as my friend trails off, her cheeks reddening as she stares intently at her lunch.

“…Rach?” I ask. “What- what’s up?”

“Oh, it- ugh,” my friend spits, before taking a deep breath. “On your twelfth birthday, were you, like- were you, well… You?”

“And by ‘you’ you mean ‘female’, right?” I ask, smiling as my friend nods. “And the answer to THAT question is ‘yes’. My twelfth was actually my first birthday as, well, ‘Laura’. Heh, I can’t even remember what I did on my eleventh birthday, or any of the ones before that, but I remember every single minute of- well, of all of ‘Laura’s birthdays.”

“I still, you know, can’t believe that you were ever, well, not a girl,” Gareth- Diana’s boyfriend- says, bringing another smug smile to my face. “If that, like, makes sense.”

“It does, and thank you for the compliment,” I reply. “Six years of hormone treatments REALLY helped there, though!”

“Did I read somewhere that they were thinking about banning hormone treatments for under 16s?” Phoebe asks.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I snort. “And it’d be the stupidest, most dangerous thing anyone could do. I honestly believe that if I didn’t take male hormone blockers, I wouldn’t be here right now.” I smile sadly and blink back a tear as Suri leans in and gives me a gentle hug. It's no exaggeration to say that the mere affirmation I received from being prescribed anti-androgens gave me the confidence, the strength even to move forward with my life. Without them, I'd likely be over six feet tall, like my brother, with broad shoulders and firm muscles... The thought makes me shudder.

“Well, I know I’m glad that you're here,” Allie says softly. “And not just because it meant I knew someone when I started college, hehe!”

“I’m glad I’m here too,” I say softly. “And not just ‘cause I get to dress up as a sexy nurse on stage in a few weeks, hehe!”

“Though if we’re talking about stage costumes…” Suri teases, making Allie blush as she slowly points a finger in her direction. “And just how many jewels are in the tutu you’re going to be wearing next month, Miss Gresham?”

“Heh, LOTS,” Allie replies with a shy giggle. “You wouldn’t believe how heavy it is, either!”

“Oh, I dunno, I’m no stranger to a tutu,” I say with a proud grin. “That’s one thing I miss about being younger, Miss Fullerton would let you- well, make you, but same thing, wear her special tutu and, like, do a special dance on your birthdays. Does she do that in elite class?”

“Oh yeah,” Allie replies with a chuckle. “No matter how knackered you are at the end of the class!”

“It’s pretty intense, then?” Suri asks.

“SO intense,” Allie replies. “Luckily I can always rely on Cian for foot rubs on Saturday evenings!” Suri and I both giggle as Allie stretches one of her legs onto her boyfriend’s lap, who gently slides it away with a roll of his eyes.

“Ah, so cool!” Suri giggles. “I kinda miss Ms. Fullerton’s class, but Miss Day's class here isn’t a bad substitute I guess.”

“Definitely,” I say with a grin.

“I’ll tell you who does miss Ms. Fullerton’s class, though?” Suri says. “And this came as a HUGE surprise to me- it’s my sister, the economics student. She’s joined a ballet AND a street dance class up in Durham, persuaded a few of her classmates to go along with her as well.”

“Ah, that’s cool!” Diana giggles. “I’m looking forward to meeting your sister at the weekend.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing her again too,” Suri muses. “Seems like AGES since I last saw her even though I know it was only a couple of weeks.”

"You WOULD also get to meet my sister," I say, "though she's decided she'd rather be somewhere else on Saturday, heh. Even though I did offer to do her hair and make-up for the party."

"Is she, like, not much of a girly girl, then?" Allie asks. "I think she goes to Ms. Fullerton's ballet class, doesn't she?"

"Meh, she's a girl," I reply with a shrug. “Can’t get any ‘girlier’ than that, heh!”

“Well- YOU certainly can’t!” Rachel teases me, making me blush and grin.

“Thank you,” I say with yet another smug grin and the topic of conversation moves on from the party to our play and Allie's upcoming recital.

Once lunch is over (despite the six of us- well, eight including the boys- still being deep in conversation) we head back to our classes, where Suri, Rachel, Phoebe and I act out a scene from an old TV show called 'Absolutely Fabulous', improvising and tweaking the scene in various different ways. Eventually, though, the day comes to an end, and when I exit college I’m unsurprised to find Sean’s car waiting for me- and to also find Sean himself waiting patiently in the passenger seat.

“Hi dad,” I say to the man who, a short time ago, legally became my father. “I’m being your chauffeuse again today, then?”

“Best thing about having an adult- well, nearly adult child,” Sean retorts with a smug grin as I put the car into gear and slowly pull away from the college. “It’ll be even better when you pass your test.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” I sigh. “That theory test is tough, you know? There’s a lot to remember…”

“There was even more to remember in that play you were in over summer,” Sean retorts. “You remembered all of that just fine.”

“Well- ugh, okay, touché,” I say as I drive the car down the familiar streets that lead to my old school, where my sister and her best friend Molly slide onto the back seat of the car.

“Hi girls!” Sean says cheerfully, even though he, like I, know exactly what’s coming next.

“Hi dad,” Lily mumbles.

“Hi Mr. Ruddock,” Molly says politely, before both girls immerse themselves in their phones. The snort of laughter I let out doesn’t go unnoticed, though.

“You can stop laughing,” Sean scoffs. “As soon as you pass your test, you’re going to be the one picking them up every day!”

“Yeah, but they think I’m cooler than you are,” I boast. “Right, girls?” Needless to say, the silence from the back seat is deafening- though not as loud as my stepfather’s laughter.

“Welcome to day one of getting old,” Sean laughs as I roll my eyes.

“Meh, you’re signed to Heavenly Talent, that’s something cool, I guess,” Lily shrugs.

“Thanks, I think,” I reply as I think back to the way I used to 'blank' my older brother just like how Lily and her friend are 'blanking' me. So maybe I am getting oldER, then... “So I take it you don’t want to come to the party on Saturday, then?”

“What party?” Molly asks innocently.

“Laura’s eighteen tomorrow,” Lily replies.

“Oh, okay, happy birthday for tomorrow,” Molly says before returning to her phone.

“…Thanks,” I say as we drive the mercifully short distance back to our home.

When we arrive back home, Lily and Molly waste no time in heading up to the former’s bedroom, from where the sound of music soon fills the house. As the two younger girls play upstairs, I drop my bag in the hall, take off my shoes and my coat before flopping down on the sofa- something that immediately attracts the attention of my mother.

“Do I need to remind you that tomorrow’s your birthday?” Mum snorts. “Or are we meant to be waiting on you hand and foot today as well?”

“Oh- I just got in and I’m tired from college,” I protest.

“Did you have dance class today?” Mum asks.

“Well- no…” I feebly mumble, before sighing as mum throws me a tea towel and leads me into the kitchen to help her prepare dinner. “I was doing improv last thing though, and that can be pretty tiring.”

“If you say so,” mum says, before smiling. “And I do appreciate that you work really hard on your course, and that you’ll be working even harder at univ- heh. Just dawned on me that this time next year, I’ll have two children at university, heh. How time flies!”

“If you say so,” I retort with a smirk.

“I do,” mum says. “It seems like yesterday that you were starting secondary school. Heh, and, of course, starting to be ‘Laura’.”

“It’s not like that for me,” I say. “A lot of the time it actually feels like my life only started when- well, when ‘Laura’s did. Sometimes even when I think back to primary school, I remember myself going as a girl, even though I know I obviously didn’t. If that makes any sense, like?”

“A lot more than you’d think,” Mum says softly. “The more I remember the last eighteen years- well, seventeen years and 364 days- the more it feels like I never really had two sons, but rather one son and a daughter who took a while to find herself.”

“I like that,” I whisper.

“I’m glad,” mum says quietly. “Now can you make a start on washing those pans?”

“Really?” I ask, showing mum my delicate, expertly manicured fingernails. “With these nails?”

“…Don’t be surprised to find a pair of rubber gloves in your present pile tomorrow,” mum grumbles.

“As long as they’re pink,” I say smugly. “Maybe when I start getting regular TV money I’ll buy you a dishwasher, heh.”

“Well, let’s take it one day at a time,” mum says. “Especially considering what day it is tomorrow!”

“Yep!” I squeak excitedly.

“Will any of your friends be coming over tomorrow night, or will they wait for Saturday?” Mum asks.

“Umm, haven’t decided yet,” I reply. “They’ll probably wait until Saturday, when Priya can be there too. Will- will Ricky be here tomorrow?”

“…For his sister’s eighteenth birthday?” Mum asks with a chuckle. “He’d better be! Why are you worried, anyway? I thought you and your brother have been getting along better, these last few months?”

“Meh, only ‘cause he seems to get his kicks out of bullying Lily now,” I reply with a shrug.

“I think you’re maybe being a bit harsh on your brother,” mum says. “And it’s not like you don’t tease Lily either.”

“I usually stop before she has a full-blown meltdown, though,” I say, before smirking and sighing. “Though in a way, it’s kind of a compliment, you know? That, like, Ricky would’ve tormented me regardless of if I’d been born a girl, if that makes any sense?”

“A little, I suppose,” mum replies. “And I’m glad that Lily has you defending her corner, heh!”

“Meh, that’s what big sisters are for,” I say with a proud grin as I start dishing up our dinners.

After we’ve finished eating, I head up to my bedroom with the intention of learning my lines and doing my other homework, but unsurprisingly, within minutes my attention is drawn to my iPad- in particular Facebook, where a big group chat is already in progress. Needless to say, there’s only one topic of conversation when I join the chat!

‘Hi birth-eve girlie!’ Nicole’s message reads, followed by several ‘wide grin’ emojis.

‘Hey girlies!!!!’ I type. ‘What’s everyone up to tonight?’

‘Trying to pick a dress for the big party on Saturday,’ Ashley replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji.

‘Is someone having a party on Saturday?’ I ask with ‘winking’ and ‘giggling’ emojis, which unsurprisingly results in a lot of typed jeers from my friends.

‘Are you excited yet?’ Megan asks.

‘Duh!’ I type with a ‘laughing’ emoji. ‘Dunno how I’ll sleep tonight!’

‘Dunno how we’ll all sleep tomorrow night!’ Nicole retorts with a ‘giggling’ emoji of her own.

‘Who else will be going on Saturday night?’ Priya asks. ‘Besides the X8, of course!’

‘Phoebe, Rachel, Allie and Diana from college,’ I reply. ‘So less ‘excellent eight’ and more ‘delightful dozen’ on Saturday lol.’

‘Assuming uni can spare Pri anyway,’ Suri types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that gets a ‘rolling eyes’ one in return from her sister.

‘And how many weekends have I already come back to London?’ Priya asks. ‘Sucks that my birthday’s on a Monday this year or I’d have introduced you all to my uni friends. I reckon you’ll like them all, especially Lucy.’

‘Why can’t you have your party the weekend after?’ Allie- who’d popped into the conversation a few seconds ago- asks.

‘Massive OCD is the answer to that question,’ Suri replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that earns an ‘angry’ one in reply from her sister, as I remember what my mother said and wonder whether all sisters tease ease other like this (even if in this case, it's the younger sister doing the teasing).

‘I just don’t see how it can be a ‘birthday’ party if it’s not actually on your birthday,’ Priya types. ‘No offence, Laura.’

‘None taken,’ I type. ‘If it helps, just think of Saturday as a generic, non-birthday party, just one where everyone gives me lots of presents and I’m the centre of attention all evening.’ Needless to say, this message and my ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji earns several ‘rolling eyes’ emojis in return.

‘Obviously the same goes for my eighteenth next year too,’ Nicole types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji of her own.

‘Ditto!’ Mia types. ‘2020’s going to be the year of the party lol!’

‘Including my nineteenth,’ I type with a ‘winking’ emoji that earns me even more good-natured jeers as the topic of conversation moves on from parties and birthdays to other topics, including our college courses and Priya's life at university in Durham.

Unsurprisingly, the group chat goes on for another two hours before we all start logging out to do something actually productive, myself included. However, before everyone logs off, I open a separate chat window to one of my friends, who I’m glad has stayed online.

‘Hey girl,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji.

‘Hey girl,’ Ashley immediately replies. ‘What’s up?’

‘Just want to know how you’re doing,’ I reply. ‘You’re coming up to six months on oestrogen, aren’t you?’

‘Six months yesterday, actually,’ my friend and fellow T-girl replies. ‘It’s going slow, but the important thing is that it IS going.’

‘I know that feeling all too well,’ I type.

‘Still got some way to catch up with you though,’ Ashley types.

‘You would do if it was a race,’ I retort with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji.

‘Touché,’ Ashley types with a ‘giggling’ emoji.

‘How’s things at college?’ I ask.

‘Great!’ My friend replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘The work’s harder but I was expecting that, and it’s nice that we’re allowed to study at our own rate, and that we don’t have to wear uniforms anymore!’

‘Totally,’ I type. ‘I know, I know, at first I loved the uniform, but five years of it really is enough!’

‘Same, but for 2 ½ years,’ Ashley types. ‘It’s like the more time I live as a girl, the more I realise being a girl isn’t about what you wear or even how you look, but how you feel.’

‘Totally,’ I type.

‘I still remember what you told me at summer,’ Ashley types. ‘Don’t be too hung up on what girls do or are supposed to do- we’re girls, therefore what we do is what girls do.’

‘100%,’ I type.

‘Though I do still wear a skirt to college most days,’ my friend types with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Well duh, with your legs?’ I type with a ‘winking’ emoji of my own, before biting my lip and carefully considering the wording of my next question. ‘Are you getting any grief from anyone at college? Like from TERFs or any other idiots?’

‘I hang out with Harriet, no one would dare give me any grief,’ Ashley replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘And TIRFs vastly outnumber TERFs anyway, at least at our college. I’m actually having a lot of fun.’

‘I’m really happy to hear that,’ I type, the ‘smiling’ emoji I send matching the real smile on my face. ‘Made any new friends to add to the X8/D12/however many once we meet Priya’s uni friends?’

‘A couple,’ Ashley replies. ‘No one who’s, like, X8 level yet. But maybe soon.’

‘Cool,’ I type. ‘Everything okay at home too?’

‘If you mean with my dad, then yeah, everything’s fine,’ Ashley replies. ‘He’s too busy with the new baby anyway, which is okay. Bryony’s looking forward to doing some of her GCSEs two years early and Cassie is obviously excited to now be in the pre-pointe class at ballet too, now that she’s nine.’

‘Aww, that sounds so cute!’ I type with a ‘giggling’ emoji. ‘And knowing Cassie she’ll probably be begging to be in pointe shoes within a month lol.’

‘Month?’ Ashley retorts with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘Try week!’

‘She’s going to be so gutted when she learns that Ms. Fullerton has a strict age limit of twelve for pointe shoes,’ I type, earning a ‘nodding’ emoji from my friend.

‘And on the topic of age limits,’ Ashley types, ‘now that you’re eighteen, are you going to book an appointment at you know where?’ I frown at Ashley’s blunt question and the ‘winking’ emoji she adds to it- while I’m happy to discuss any element of my transition with Ashley, I would’ve expected her to be just a little bit more sensitive about the topic- especially THAT topic.

‘I kinda need to talk about it with my counsellor first,’ I type, accompanied by a ‘shocked’ emoji.

‘For a tattoo?’ Ashley types, making me cringe- of course that’s what she meant, the Fellowship tattoo that Jamie-Lee Burke, Steph Abbott and several of the other girls (and boys) have. I pause as I try to think of what to type, something that hopefully won’t embarrass either of us further… Unfortunately, Ashley sends another message before I can think of anything. ‘What did you think I meant?’ And again, before I can think of an answer, Ashley jumps in and answers her own question. ‘Did you think I meant SRS?’ I take a deep breath before replying- might as well own up to this one…

‘…Maybe,’ I type with an ‘embarrassed’ emoji. My nerves are eased when Ashley replies with the same emoji, followed by a ‘hugging’ one that I’m only too happy to reciprocate.

‘SO sorry,’ Ashley types with another ‘embarrassed’ emoji.

‘No, it’s okay,’ I type. ‘It is kinda on my mind lol. And I don’t mind you asking, but only you, and you don’t tell anyone, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Ashley replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘And I won’t ask if you don’t want me too.’

‘No, it’s okay,’ I type. ‘Like, you’ll be looking at it soon too, won’t you?’

‘I’d be looking at it now if that was an option,’ Ashley replies with a ‘sad’ emoji that earns a ‘hugging’ one in response from me. ‘Thanks. Are you going to be asking about it, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘Hopefully,’ I reply. ‘I’ve talked to Nikki a bit about it, so I know it’s not a quick thing, there’ll be a lot of recovery where I’ll be off my feet. Hopefully I can get it done this summer so it’s done for uni, but that’s all up to my counsellor.’

‘Do you still see Dr Williamson now that you’re eighteen?’ Ashley asks.

‘Not anymore,’ I reply. ‘I’m on the waiting list for a counsellor recommended by Heavenly Talent who’s actually Nikki’s mother-in-law, but I’m seeing NHS counsellors for now. I usually don’t see the same one twice in a row though.’

‘That’s a pain,’ Ashley types. ‘It’s good that you have Nikki to talk to at least.’

‘And you as well,’ I say with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Not sure how much help I can be when I’m two years behind you lol,’ Ashley types.

‘You’re a friend,’ I reply with a ‘shrugging’ emoji. ‘And just cause you’re ‘behind’ me doesn’t mean we’re not on the same path and you don’t know about SRS.’

‘True I guess,’ Ashley types. ‘What time d’you want us to come round tomorrow?’

‘You don’t need to come tomorrow if you don’t want to,’ I type. ‘I’m going to be seeing plenty of you on Saturday after all!’

‘Like we’re not going to be there?’ Ashley types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘Might not be all seven of us but I’m not missing it tomorrow.’

‘Aww, thanks!’ I type with a ‘happy’ emoji. ‘Even though my brother will probably be there?’

‘Some friends are worth a persistent pain in the arse,’ Ashley types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji, to which I reply with a ‘giggling’ one. ‘Ugh, g2g now, really should make a start on my French homework.’

‘Au revoir, ma amie,’ I type with a ‘winking’ emoji that earns a ‘giggling’ one from my friend. ‘Give your sisters a cuddle for me!’

‘Will do!’ Ashley types, before we big each other farewell with ‘waving’ emojis.

With the evening’s gossip session over, I return to my coursework, but soon enough, the time has come for me to get into bed as well. Despite my excitement about tomorrow, I still fall asleep not long after my head hits the pillow.

The next thing I’m aware of is I’m walking through the house, dressed in just my nightie. It’s still dark outside, but the house is warm- very warm, in fact- and seemingly deserted.

“He- hello?” I call out, my voice hoarse and catching in my throat. “Mum? Dad? Lily? Anyone?”

“Leon!” A familiar voice snaps, freezing me to the spot. When I look up, Robert- my biological 'father'- is stood in front of me with a look of pure fury in his eyes. “Leon, you’re coming with me. NOW!” I feel my entire body start to chill to the bone as my father stares at me, and the nightie on my body is replaced by a pair of boy’s pyjamas- the same pyjamas I wore when I was eight. This is a dream, I think to myself as I take several shaky breaths to try to calm myself. There’s only one way to kill the dream…

“Fu- fuck off,” I whisper breathlessly.

“What did you just say to me!?” Robert bellows.

“I SAID FUCK OFF!” I screech. “Fuck off! Fuck! Off! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Off! Off! Off! You do not control me! You are nothing, and you will NOT ruin today for me! So just fuck off and die already!” I Screw my eyes closed, and when I wake up, I find myself in my bed, my sheets stained with sweat and tangled around my body.

After freeing myself from my bedding, I conduct what has become a ritual for me every time I have a nightmare, especially regarding Robert. I carefully slide out of bed and switch on my bedside lamp, before standing in front of my full-length mirror and allowing my nightie and my panties to fall to the floor. As always, I carefully examine the reflection of the girl in the mirror, examining all of her features and her flaws- with one ‘flaw’ in particular standing out more than others. And, as always, I remind myself that the girl in the mirror with her smooth skin, slender waist and soft breasts is me. My name is Laura Jade Ruddock. I may have made mistakes in my life, but being a girl isn’t one of them, and that is precisely what I am- a girl. Or rather, after checking my phone to discover that it’s past midnight- and therefore officially my birthday- a woman.

I pull my nightwear back on and climb back into bed, quickly falling asleep again. Despite my hyperactive subconscious, I don’t dream again that night, as the next thing I’m aware of is my bedroom door opening, my curtains being drawn back and my mother, stepfather and very reluctant-looking stepsister standing at the bottom of my bed.

“Happy birthday to you…” The three of them sing, which is enough for me to bury my face under my pillow until the singing stops.

“Happy birthday, miss adult!” Mum yells excitedly, yanking my pillow off my face and grinning as I roll my eyes. “Come on, up and at ‘em! It’s still a college day today, and you’ll want to open some of your presents before you go, won’t you?”

“…Maybe some of them,” I reply, a grin spreading across my face as I pull on my fluffy pink dressing gown and follow my family down to the living room, where the sofa is piled high with gifts of various shapes and sizes, all covered in shiny pink wrapped paper. Needless to say, the sheer size of the pile makes me gasp. “Oh- oh my god! This- this is amazing, thank you all so much, this- this is just- wow!"

“You haven’t even opened them yet!” Sean laughs, giving me a gentle hug before sitting down next to mum on the other sofa. “And that’s not all of them either, your brother’s texted to say he’ll be here after uni with his partner, and your grandmother and my parents will be along later in the day as well.”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “This- this is too much, really.”

“Well, you only turn eighteen once, after all!” Mum laughs. “Go on, get opening then!” Needlessly to say, I don’t need to be told twice, and with an excited squeak, I tear into my presents, unwrapping DVDs, acting books, ornaments for my room and, of course plenty of clothes. I unwrap two new dresses (including a very slinky looking strapless black dress), two new skirts, three tops (including a surprisingly low-cut bodysuit) and three new pairs of shoes, one of which has a much higher heel than any pair I currently own. The most special gift, though, is a very delicate looking gold necklace with a decoration that is a fusion of the letter ‘L’ and the transgender symbol.

“W- wow,” I breathe as I examine the necklace. “This is beautiful, thank you so much!”

“Beautiful like its new owner,” mum says proudly as I hold my hair out of the way to allow her to fasten it around my neck. “I don’t know what else to say other than, well, happy birthday!”

“Thanks,” I whisper, trying to hold back tears as I examine my new necklace, before my resistance fails and I tearfully lean in for a hug with my mother.

It’s not the material nature of the presents that’s making me tear up, of course, but rather it’s the fact that just as she’s done for the last six and a half years, my mother has unconditionally accepted me and loved me as her daughter. I often wonder what my life would be like if she hadn’t asked me the question that changed my life when I was eleven, whether or not I’d ever have had the courage to come out and live my life the way I did. I know for certain that if I hadn’t come out, I wouldn’t be a dancer, or an actress, or a model- I probably wouldn’t even have been a waitress. Most importantly of all, though, I wouldn’t have made the friends that I did. Friends who unconditionally love and accept me just as my mother did. And while my childhood certainly hasn’t been smooth sailing all the way, I truly feel like I am the person I was always destined to be. Hell, I’ve even been able to befriend many of those who’d previously stood in my way, like Harriet, Mia or even my brother- and the one person who’s held my life back more than anyone else is still rotting in prison, where he belongs.

In the last few weeks, Ricky’s told me about how Robert had been completely absent on his birthday, not even sending along a card. Now, thanks to his own bigotry, he won’t get to celebrate either of his children becoming adults- especially as from a legal standpoint, I am no longer his daughter- I’m Sean’s, a man who’d been more of a father to me after a month of knowing him than Robert ever was. Something I remind him of when mum releases me from her hug and I lean down to give him just as tight a hug.

“Thanks,” I whisper to my stepfather. “For being the best dad ever.”

“You’re very welcome,” Sean says with a warm smile as I release the hug and head over to where my stepsister is sat, who tenses up as she correctly deduces that I’m about to hug her.

“And thank YOU,” I say to Lily as I give the reluctant girl a gentle cuddle. “I never knew I wanted a sister before I met you, hehe!”

“Yes, yes, okay,” the twelve-year-old girl sighs.

“You should probably start getting ready now, both of you,” Sean advises as he looks at the clock. Lily and I both nod before heading upstairs, Lily heading into her bedroom while I head to the bathroom to apply my make-up for the day ahead- after all, as mum said, special day or not, it is still a college day.

A short while later, Lily emerges from her room dressed in the regulation red blazer, striped tie and grey skirt I wore for five years, while I follow her downstairs dressed in my usual college outfit of a long-sleeved top, short skirt and ankle booties, but with my new necklace taking pride of place. After giving mum another loving hug (and casting another glance over my massive present haul), I follow Sean out to his car, and I’m soon on my way to college, still giddy with excitement about not just tonight, but the whole weekend. However, this excitement isn’t shared by everyone in the car.

“I’m going to be eating dinner at Molly’s house tonight, just so you know,” Lily says bluntly, not even looking up from her phone as I frown.

“Oh- umm, well, okay then,” I reply, feeling slightly disappointed, even though I can safely guess why Lily’s reluctant to stick around. “Ricky will be on his best behaviour tonight, you know. Grandma- my grandma’s coming too, she’ll make sure of that.”

“I know,” Lily shrugs. “I’d just- well, I don’t want to get in the way, that’s all.”

“You wouldn’t be in the way,” I say, before sighing and smiling. “Yeah… I didn’t really want to be at Ricky’s eighteenth birthday party either, I remember practically begging mum to let me go round to Megan’s, but Ricky wanted his- heh. Wanted his ‘little brother’ at his party, so, well, yeah. But it isn’t Ricky’s party tonight, it’s mine, and I-“ Would be no different than my brother if I forced you to come, I think to myself. “…Am okay with you skipping it if that’s what you REALLY want.”

“Thanks, Laura,” Lily says with a smile. "And, well, it's ballet night tonight anyway, so- yeah."

“We’re still cool though, right?” I ask hesitantly.

“Yeah, of course,” Lily replies, before rolling her eyes. “Is this about yesterday, on the ride home? Seriously, Laura, if it matters THAT much to you, yes, a lot of my friends think you’re cool. Doesn’t mean we’d want to hang out with you all the time, though.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “And I know- and I speak from experience here- that there are bound to be kids at that school as well who think I’m the least cool person ever because of, well, you know.”

“Oh- whatever,” Lily snorts. “If anyone thinks THAT, then THEY’RE the tragic ones, not you.” And again, I’m reminded that I have the best family ever, I think to myself as I try to blink back tears.

“Thanks,” I whisper as the car pulls up outside my old school and my sister gets out.

“I’m sure she doesn’t mean it personally,” Sean says as I look at him confusedly. “Going round to her friend’s, I mean. She might mean it personally where Ricky’s concerned, but- yeah. That’s going to take a bit more than a car ride to fix, heh.”

“Yeah, probably,” I shrug. “And- I dunno. I think Ricky in a way still resents you for marrying mum, maybe he takes it out on Lily, he- ugh, like I said, I dunno. Like I was saying about his eighteenth birthday earlier, the difference is his dad wasn’t at his party, my dad will be at mine.”

“Yeah,” Sean says, biting his lip as I can tell he’s getting emotional too. “And I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, you’re a much better big sister than he is a big brother.”

“Thanks,” I say softly. “At least Lily doesn’t have to live with him, heh. And it’s not like he’s the worst member of my family, heh.”

“I know what you mean,” Sean says softly as we pull into the college car park. “But whatever you do, don’t let THAT spoil today. It’s your birthday, your eighteenth and you’ve more than earned the right to enjoy it. So, well, go and enjoy it!”

“Thanks,” I say with a genuine grin as I check my hair and make-up in the sun visor’s mirror before grabbing my bag and sliding out of the car. Needless to say, my friends are waiting for me when I reach the college entrance- and the wide grins on their faces tell me that the significance of today isn’t lost on them!

“Hey birthday girlie!” Suri squeaks as she, Rachel, Phoebe, Allie and Diana surround me in a tight group hug that makes me shriek with laughter!

“Happy birthday!” My four other friends all cheer as they drape a sparkling pink sash that reads ‘birthday girl’ over my shoulder and place a plastic, but still fancy tiara on my head.

“Aww, thank you all so much!” I squeak, bouncing up and down excitedly before striking a pose for my friends and their smartphones- photos they send me and that immediately make their way onto my Instagram timeline before our first lesson of the day.

Needless to say, having to do actual work this morning is a hell of a come down from the high I was on up to that point, and even though it’s work that I love doing the morning seems to crawl until our teacher dismisses us and lets us head to lunch. And obviously, there’s only one topic of conversation at the lunch table!

“Ahh, I just want today to be over already so we can party!” Suri moans, before sharing an excited giggle with me.

“Totally,” Allie agrees. “Even if I may be a bit late to the party tomorrow…”

“Oh- humble ‘I’m in Ms. Fullerton’s elite class’ brag,” I tease my friend, who smiles bashfully yet smugly.

“If it’s any consolation, you wouldn’t believe how quickly I’m going through tights,” Allie says with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “I literally just ripped another pair this morning, thankfully it was under my leotard so you couldn’t see the tear, but everyone in the class definitely heard it.”

“It wasn’t THAT bad, as I’ve already told you,” Diana tells her friend.

“Did you have a spare pair?” Rachel asks, smiling as Allie nods.

“But just the one spare pair,” Allie sighs, before smiling in my direction. “And we’re kinda getting away from the REAL news today!” I grin and blush as the attention of everyone at the table turns back in my direction and the tiara (that I’d taken off before class) finds its way back onto my head thanks to Suri.

“All hail Princess Laura!” Suri teases, playfully curtseying me as I roll my eyes.

“…Thanks,” I mumble. “But the real party- when I absolutely WILL be a princess- will be tomorrow, hehe! Tonight’s probably just gonna be a family thing.”

“’Family’ including your brother’s girlfriend, aka ‘The Angel’?” Phoebe teases.

“…Maybe,” I reply smugly, before letting out an excited squeak. “Ah… I mean, I’m actually signed to Heavenly Talent now, and I STILL get starstruck whenever I see her, hehe!”

“Who wouldn’t!?” Diana giggles. “I still can’t believe she’s going out with your brother, of all people, I thought she’d, like, date a footballer or someone.”

“Meh, that’s the Angels for you,” I shrug. “Millions of Instagram followers each, but they’re all really down-to-earth.” Needless to say, my casual attitude earns me several playful jeers that make me giggle. “Ah, okay, okay, I know, I had a LOT of luck getting signed when I did, what with all the contacts I have.”

“And talent,” Suri chastises me. “The agency isn’t called ‘Heavenly Luck’ after all.” My smile widens and my cheeks redden further as my friends all nod.

“…Thanks,” I mumble. “I’m really looking forward to tomorrow more, though- mainly ‘cause you’ll all be there too, hehe!”

“Oh, trust me, we are TOTALLY looking forward to it,” Rachel gushes.

“God knows you deserve a celebration, what with all the shit you’ve been through since the start of the year,” Suri says softly as she gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, well, that shit’s all behind me now,” I say confidently, even as last night's nightmare sticks in my mind. “I’m more interested in the future, not the past!”

“And the present, too?” Allie asks, making me smile as I gaze around the table at the five girls I’m proud to call my friends.

“Of course,” I whisper. “Both in the ‘here and now’ sense and the ‘gift’ sense, hehe!” Another group giggle fills our table as our lunch period continues.

The afternoon session of college passes even slower than the morning, mostly thanks to us not doing any work but instead being measured for costumes for the play. I’m very happy to discover that I still have the same 27-inch waist I did this time last year- though I actually find myself happier that it hasn’t shrunk instead of grown. Once my measurements have been taken, I retreat to the corner of the room with my phone, checking the birthday messages on Instagram and Facebook, before the day finally comes to an end just after 3pm.

I waste no time in saying goodbye to my friends and heading out to the car park, where Sean’s car is parked and waiting for me. This time, my stepfather stays in the driver’s seat and simply smiles I slide onto the passenger seat next to him.

“I was half expecting you to say ‘have a driving lesson as an extra gift,’” I tease the middle-aged man, who snorts with laughter in reply.

“And I was half expecting you to be too excited to concentrate and wrap my car around a lamp post,” Sean retorts. “Besides, Lily’s getting a lift with her friend’s parents, so we’re going to be heading straight home anyway.” The sly smile on Sean’s face momentarily confuses me, but true to his prediction, I’m too excited to give it a second thought.

The reason for my stepfather’s smile becomes apparent, however, when we return home to find not one, not two, but three other cars parked outside our house. I recognise one immediately as belonging to my brother and his partner, but the other two- a one year old baby blue Nissan Leaf and a brand-new Mercedes- are completely unfamiliar to me. It becomes clear who owns then, however, when I enter the house and am greeted by a lot of familiar but unexpected faces.

“Happy birthday!” The assembled crowd yells, making me squeak with excitement and fan myself with my hands. Sat on the sofa, as I expected, are my grandmother, my brother and his Angel partner, but sat on the other sofa are two other Angels- Viks Benedict and the very unexpected face of Hannah Dexter- and stood around the side of the room are my friends Nikki, Ian, Jacinta and her best friend (and fashion designer who I've modelled for and whose creations I adore) Ophelia, and most excitingly of all, Steph Abbott!

“Oh- oh my god!” I squeak, bouncing up and down and fanning myself with my hands. “What- what are you all doing here?”

“We literally all just shouted happy birthday, figure it out,” Ricky says matter-of-factly, earning himself a slap on the arm from both his partner and our grandmother.

“And did you really think we were going to sit back and, what, just send you a card?” Nikki asks with a giggle of her own as she gives me a gentle hug, before leading me to a chair and sitting me down behind yet another huge pile of presents.

“Go on!” Jacinta urges with a wide grin as my tiara and sash find their way back to my head and shoulders respectively. “Get stuck in!”

“Well- thank you, thank you all so much for this!” I gush.

“Less thanking, more opening,” Ricky says, protesting as our grandmother gives his arm another slap.

“Let her speak if she wants to,” Grandma says. “She’ll need to practise giving speeches for when she starts winning Oscars!”

“That- that might be a little way off yet,” I say with an almost exhausted giggle. “But I- I really am grateful to all of you for all of this, like, not just the presents, but everything. The friendship, the acceptance… Heh. One year ago, this would’ve been my wildest dream, to, like, celebrate with everyone in this room. Seven years ago… Heh. I think there are a lot of people in this room who’d- yep. Who’d understand what I mean by that.” I smile sympathetically as Nikki, Steph, Jacinta and Ian all nod.

“Ah- that reminds me,” Nikki says. “Jamie and Stuart would be here, but their daughter’s feeling a bit poorly so they don’t want to leave her. And, obviously, Jessica’s in America, so- yeah. They’ve both sent presents, though, as have Natalie and Zoe, who are busy with- well, with two different types of classes, heh!”

“Is that every member of your ‘Fellowship’ covered, then?” Hannah asks, making me grin as I hear our doorbell ring.

“All but one,” I reply, smirking as Sean answers the door to let Ashley and Megan into the house, both of whom immediately rush me to give me a tight group hug before realising the company they’re in.

“Oh- oh my god,” Ashley squeaks, covering her mouth as she studies the grinning faces in the room. “H- hi, everyone.”

“Hi Ashley, hi Megan,” Hannah says, making my friends almost faint before they squeeze into the seat either side of me. “I’m feeling kinda surplus to requirements here, hehe!”

“Well you were the one who wanted to come along,” Viks says, which almost makes me faint- Hannah Dexter, who is regularly voted as one of the UK’s sexiest women, is undoubtedly one of the UK’s most famous women and has over twelve million followers on Instagram, wanted to come to celebrate MY birthday?

“…I just wanted to check out my competition,” Hannah says, before standing up and gesturing for me to stand up- something I obviously don’t hesitate to do. I do, however, blush when Viks takes a photo of the two of us standing together.

“Told you,” the dark-haired Angel says with a smug grin as we both sit back down.

“Might need some context here?” I nervously ask.

“Viks keeps telling me that you’re, like, a younger version of me,” Hannah explains. “And I- I can kind see where she’s coming from, hehe!”

“Umm, okay,” I mumble. “Even though I’m, well… You know?”

“Oh- whatever,” Hannah says dismissively. “Jamie and Charlotte look pretty similar to each other, so, well- yeah. What d’you say, Laura? In the market for a mentor? Sorry, Alice, I think you can kinda fly on your own now, hehe!”

“Don’t apologise to me for that, Laura’s MY protégé, get your own!” Alice snorts.

“Umm, hello?” Nikki protests. “ACTUAL mentor already here?”

“Ladies, please, I can have more than one mentor, you know?” I say, giggling as this earns me good-natured jeers from everyone present, before I realise something that hadn’t occurred to me until just now- many of the people in the room today, like Nikki and Ian, were also in the room for my ‘intervention’ over summer. I’d been so angry, so self-righteous back then that it’s taken me until today to realise one simple fact- the reason they were there then is the same reason they’re here now- because they love me. They care enough about me that they took time out of their day to ensure that I didn’t make what would’ve been a terrible mistake, just as they care enough about me to take time out of their day today to ensure I have as memorable an eighteenth birthday as possible. In their mind, both things are probably equal- and the more I think about it, the more I find that I agree with that fact.

“L- Laura?” Alice asks as a tear starts to trickle down my cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Mm,” I reply, nodding emotionally as I try to maintain my composure, before laughing and crying openly, which prompts Megan to pull me in for a very welcome hug. “It- it’s just that all this- you guys- I mean-“

“I get it,” Nikki says softly as she comes and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “But just remember this: all of this- all of it- it's real, and you deserve it. The friendship, the gifts, the love- all of it.”

“Absolutely,” mum says as she takes over the hug from Megan. “This is YOUR time, Laura. Enjoy it.”

“And start opening, as we’ve got places we need to be,” Ricky orders, smirking as he’s bombarded with good-natured jeers. However, I don’t need to be asked twice, and I begin tearing into my gifts, unveiling yet more gifts I'll treasure for the rest of my life such as a dainty gold bracelet from Viks and Hannah and a limited edition personalised Out of Heaven t-shirt from Steph. The most amazing gift, though, has to be a dress given to me by Jacinta, Ophelia, Nikki and her wife. Unlike most dresses, this one has a built-in catsuit (well, bodystocking, really) made of a tights-like mesh material, with a long black skirt that's slit up one side and continues up into a cut-out bodice to protect my modesty (well, some of it, anyway). A quick look over at my mother, and especially my grandmother, tells me they’re not entirely happy with how revealing the dress is, but they’re also resigned to the fact that now I’m eighteen- an adult- I am able to wear whatever I want. And I definitely want to wear this dress soon- even if I've already had a dress lined up for tomorrow for weeks.

“This- this is beautiful,” I gush as I once again struggle to control my emotions. “Thank you, thank you all so, so much for this.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Steph says with a warm, friendly grin. “And as much as we’d love to stay, we do kinda have places to be- and we don't want to crowd you out any more than we are doing, heh!"

“I- I’m just happy you were able to come at all,” I say with a happy sigh as the majority of my guests start to depart, each one giving me a hug as they leave.

“Don’t forget my offer,” Hannah says with a twinkle in her eye as she gives me her hug. “I reckon that in a few years’ time, you might just be the newest Angel, hehe!”

“Hehe!” I giggle excitedly. “Thanks, but I- I’m kinda concentrating more on acting than modelling.”

“No reason you can’t do both,” Viks says with an almost proud smile. “Jon’s talked about how hard you’re working both in college and for the agency. And stop me if you don’t want to hear this, but my little brother, he- yeah. Safe to say he has more than a few regrets about how the two of you ended up.” I roll my eyes at the mention of Phil, my first ‘real’ boyfriend, making the dark-haired woman giggle.

“Yeah, well, he’s welcome to keep them,” I say, earning another giggle.

“Atta girl,” Viks says with a grin as she follows Hannah out of the house, while Alice gives me a long, tight hug.

“Happy birthday again, ‘little sis’!” The copper-haired Angel says with a giggle. “Sorry we couldn’t stay longer, but we’ll try to drop in again at the weekend.”

“We will,” Ricky says, opening his arms wide for a hug and keeping them open even as I roll my eyes. “Well, come on then, I don’t have all day!” I sigh, before leaning in for the surprisingly tender hug from my brother. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will,” I whisper, blinking back yet more tears as I bid everyone farewell, until (of the people who don’t live here, anyway) only Ashley, Megan, Ian and my grandmother are left.

“Tired?” Megan teases me as I slowly lower myself onto the sofa next to Grandma.

“Well- just a bit!” I squeak. “I really, really wasn’t expecting this, heh. Sorry if it got a bit, well, loud, Grandma.”

“You don’t need to apologise for that!” Grandma says with a chuckle. “You’re a teenager, things should be loud! If anything, I feel like the intruder here.”

“Oh- no, you of all people really shouldn’t!” I say, before smiling happily as I exchange a hug with the older woman. “I don’t know where I’d be now if you hadn’t supported me the way you did when I first came out.”

“Well you don’t need to think about that,” Grandma reassures me. “Not supporting you was never an option. Heh, I remember when I turned eighteen, way back in the fifties. Things weren’t exactly ‘quiet’ back then, what with rock and roll just starting to be a thing. It wasn’t long after that most skirts became shorter even than the one you’re wearing!” I bite my lip and try not to blush as I stealthily tug down the hem of my clingy garment. “But my father? Heh. He was stuck in the past. He’d actually be 105 in a couple of weeks, if he was still alive. He didn’t like change. Thought the Beatles were hooligans, for starters, even thought Cliff Richard of all people was a bad influence on me. Absolutely refused to get me the records I wanted for my birthday, and got me a cookbook of all things instead. I promised myself I wouldn’t be like my father, that I’d actually listen to what my children wanted, and I kept that promise. Heh, and now I’m remembering your mother’s eighteenth birthday, back in the nineties, and I- I’m sorry, you don’t want to listen to me ramble on like an old biddy.”

“Oh- no, please, this is actually interesting,” I say, earning nods from my three friends.

“Your grandma was entertaining us with stories before you got home,” Ian says with a smile. “Mostly to embarrass your brother, though.” Naturally, this elicits a giggle from me!

“And I was also expressing disappointment that this nice young man ISN’T your boyfriend,” Grandma says, making both me and Ian blush.

“We’re… better as friends,” I say, earning a nod from my Welsh friend. “And I’m not really looking right now, anyway.”

“Sensible girl,” Grandma says with a proud smile that makes me blush again. “But I’ve got you all day on Sunday, so I’ll let you spend some time with your friends.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, standing up and seeing Grandma to the door, bidding her farewell with another hug before returning to my friends.

“In fairness, your grandma is pretty cool,” Megan says as she, Ashley and I wedge ourselves onto the sofa while Ian sits on the arm.

“Certainly better than one of mine, though that’s a ridiculously low bar to get over,” Ian says, making me nod as I remember the time I randomly ran into her in a hospital.

“Though with all due respect to your grandmother,” Ashley says to me with a cheeky grin, “her granddaughter is much cooler!” I shriek with laughter as my three friends hurl confetti and streamers over me, before relaxing back onto the sofa.

“I hope you four will clean all that up before you go,” mum chastises us as she returns from the kitchen and sits down in her usual chair.

“Yes, mum, we will,” I say with a half-sigh, half-chuckle.

“And how are you three getting home, anyway?” Mum asks. “Do any of you have your driving licences yet?”

“No, but my friend Lee does,” Ian replies. “I’ve sort-of convinced him to give us all a lift, so we’ll be fine, really.”

“But before that, we wanted to have the birthday girl to ourselves for a bit!” Megan giggles as she gives me a tight hug. “Ahh, it’s still weird not seeing you every day, you know?”

“Yeah, I feel the same way,” I sigh. “Thank god for Facebook, heh!”

“And weekends,” Ashley says with a cheeky grin. “Even if we do sometimes have to, you know ‘share’ you a bit.”

“Well, you can never have too many friends, right?” I ask with a smile that my friends all mirror. “And it's not like you won't have me all day tomorrow, hehe!”

“Kinda wish I could come to that,” Ian muses. “But, you know, I’m busy with work, and it- it kinda should be a thing for your ‘group’ anyway.”

“Even despite what I just said?” I ask with a wink. “It’s okay, it’s not like we never hang out, heh!”

“True,” Ian muses with a smile as I make a mental note to get in touch with Stuart (Ian’s unofficial ‘mentor’) about doing something special for his birthday next month. “And we’ll get to hang out even more when you go to uni- assuming you’re staying in London, anyway?”

“That’s definitely the plan,” I say. “I mean, yes, Priya makes it sound like so much fun living away, the whole student lifestyle thing, but- but this is my home. And, well, I might need some extra support next summer if I- well, go under the knife, heh.” I bite my lip as this thought understandably makes my mother uncomfortable.

“Well, one thing you’re definitely not short of is love and support,” Ashley says softly. “God knows that after all you’ve done for me, being here today really is the least I can do.”

“Thanks,” I whisper as Ashley and Megan wrap me in yet another tight hug, reminding me that despite the hardships I've faced, there are people out there who truly love me and always will- something that makes me feel more grateful than any gift I received today.

As Ian promised, his friend arrives a short while later to give my three friends a lift home, and after a quick dinner (and tidying up the streamers and wrapping paper), I head up to my bedroom to read lines for the upcoming play- after all, as I’ve been reminded more than once today, it is still a weekday. However, it’s also a Friday, as I’m reminded when my stepsister enters my bedroom still dressed in her ballet uniform, before grabbing a bottle of dark blue nail polish from my dresser and sitting down on my bed cross-legged.

“…You know,” I say as my sister holds her hands out with her fingers splayed in front of her, “it IS my birthday, and you’re the one who’s meant to be treating me…”

“Oh- whatever,” Lily shrugs as I begin to coat her fingernails with the blue liquid. “It’s Friday, and you said on Friday I could-“

“Yes, yes, I know, I was just teasing,” I interrupt. “Did you have fun at Molly’s house, and at ballet?”

“More fun than I would’ve if I’d been here,” Lily snorts, making me roll my eyes.

“Even though there were three Angels in the living room a few hours ago?” I retort, biting my lip as even this doesn’t elicit a reaction from my sister. “…What, really?”

“You, like, work for Heavenly Talent,” Lily says. “And Ricky’s still somehow dating an Angel, so it makes sense that some would drop round. …Which ones?” I smirk as Lily’s resistance and blasé exterior drops.

“Alice, obviously,” I reply. “Viks and Hannah.”

“Okay, that’s pretty cool,” Lily says. “But your brother was there too, wasn’t he?”

“OUR brother,” I remind my sister, who simply shrugs in response. “And yes, he was, and you do need to learn to stand up to him.”

“If you say so,” Lily mumbles as I finish painting her nails.

“He’ll be less of a pain as you get older,” I advise. “Heh, as long a time as that feels.” Or felt when I was twelve, I think to myself with a smile.

“If you say so,” Lily replies as she jumps off my bed.

“Did you learn anything good at ballet tonight, then?” I ask, earning a shrug in reply.

“Still doing beginner pointe exercises,” Lily replies. “I’m still not sure if I enjoy pointe, but Molly likes it, and so do Bryony and Sabrina from school, so- yeah.”

“Meh, peer pressure’s not a good reason to keep doing something you don’t like doing,” I say.

“If you say so,” Lily shrugs. “I just, you know, don’t want to let them down and- well, umm…”

“Well… what?” I ask.

“I don’t- I don’t want to let you down either,” Lily mumbles, before grimacing as I jump off the bed and give her a tight hug. “Yes, yes, okay, no need to squeeze me to death!”

“You won’t be ‘letting me down’ if you don’t like ballet,” I explain. “Same way I didn’t let Ricky down by never being interested in the army.”

“I guess,” Lily says as she wriggles free. “Thanks for the nail polish, Laura. Hope you have fun tomorrow!”

“You too!” I say as my sister leaves my bedroom and I return to my script.

As I have a big day tomorrow, I head to bed just after 10:30pm, and even though I’m exhausted after today’s excitement (but no less excited about tomorrow), I still struggle to fall asleep, as I can’t shake last night’s dream from my mind. Not the events of the dream itself- my counsellor’s suggestion of using the F word against any nightmare involving Robert has proven to be very effective- but rather what it represents. I’ve tried my hardest over the last few months to not even think about Robert, but no matter how hard I try, forcing yourself to not think about something always inevitably ends up with you thinking about that something (‘thing’ being the appropriate word in this case) regardless. Especially as one of the things I’m trying desperately not to think about is the fact that his seven-year prison sentence is quickly coming to an end…

Nonetheless, despite Robert being on my mind throughout the night, I wake up from a peaceful, dreamless sleep the following morning, and I waste no time in heading downstairs, where mum and Sean are unsurprisingly already awake.

“Morning, day after birthday girl!” Mum teases as I roll my eyes and pour myself a cup of coffee. “Looking forward to today, then?”

“Umm, uh-huh!” I reply with a quiet giggle. “Ever since last year, in fact. Thanks again for, you know, making it special.”

“You’re very welcome,” mum says, giving me a gentle hug as I sit at the kitchen table. “But it being, well, an ‘ordinary’ party was never an option. You deserve to have this special weekend, Laura. Especially- well…”

“Especially…?” I ask, confused by my mother’s hesitation.

“Well,” mum says, sitting down and taking a deep breath. “Especially after the last eleven months since- since your grandmother’s funeral, but particularly since the summer, and- and when your brother told me he, well, he- he helped you.” Unsurprisingly, despite his promise at the time, Ricky did end up telling mum about my 'intervention'- though thankfully, he also told her that he considered the matter dealt with.

“…Yeah,” I mumble, my cheeks starting to burn.

“I had initially worried that seeing y- seeing ‘that man’ again would undo all the good work you’ve done over the last few years,” mum says softly. “And after your brother told me what happened in summer… But since then, Laura, you- you’ve really matured a lot.”

“Thanks,” I whisper.

“Just- just make sure that you don’t go backwards again,” mum says in a very serious tone. “Because you will have some setbacks in your life, Laura, whether it’s that man, or your weight, or- or especially after you have the operation. If ever you feel stressed out, tell me, or Sean, or your friends, just- just don’t keep it all bottled up, as- as I really don’t ever want to see you getting hurt again.” Needless to say, despite my embarrassment, tears of happiness trickle from my eyes as my mother speaks.

“I will,” I whisper. “I just- ugh, I dunno. My counsellors think that by hurting myself, I’m subconsciously trying to hurt ‘that man’.”

“But you’re hurting me more,” mum whispers, clearly emotional herself.

“Well- yeah,” I sigh. “I know that NOW. I just- ugh. Damaged goods on top of being trans, no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend…”

“Hey- no, just don’t talk like that,” mum says. “Any boy who wouldn’t crawl over broken glass to be your boyfriend is a moron. And there’s no point in feeling sorry for yourself on today of all days!”

“…You’re the one who brought up ‘that man’,” I remind my mother. “And my-“

“Yes- okay, fair enough,” mum says. “I just- I just wanted you to know that I’m proud, so proud of you for overcoming all these obstacles.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, smiling as I sniff back more tears.

“Now hurry up and finish your breakfast,” mum orders, making me giggle. “You want to make the most of today, don’t you?”

“Definitely,” I reply confidently.

With the party not until tonight, I head back to my room to put away all my presents from yesterday, taking the time to send personalised thank you messages to all of my friends on Facebook before sitting down to try to do some coursework. However, excitement over tonight means I can barely concentrate, and I find myself flitting between doing my coursework, checking Facebook and watching TV until mum calls me down for dinner later in the afternoon.

Once dinner is finally finished, I head back to my bedroom to get ready for the evening ahead. After showering, I head into my bedroom and apply my make-up- thick eyeshadow and heavy false eyelashes, followed by deep red lipstick from my favourite brand. After brushing my hair out into a thick, voluminous style, I reapply my crimson nail polish before picking out my outfit for the day ahead. After pulling on a skimpy black thong and strapless bra, I ease a pair of translucent tights over my legs, before carefully taking the dress I've chosen to wear today off its hanger. The dress is short, just coming to my mid-thigh (hence why I’m also wearing tights- it IS November, after all) and is made of a greenish blue fabric that shimmers in the light. It has a high neckline but is very figure-hugging, showing off all of my fledgling curves and has mesh panelling on the sleeves. Once I’ve slipped my feet into my shoes (with a 3” stiletto heel, naturally), spritzed myself with my favourite perfume and grabbed my matching handbag, I take a moment to look at my reflection in the mirror.

It may sound arrogant to say so, but I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know that I look VERY good today. But when I see myself in the mirror looking the way I do, it makes me FEEL good. Dressed like this, I feel like a model, or an actress, or a glamorous superstar. I feel older even than my eighteen years. But most importantly, I feel like a woman. I feel like a woman who’s not afraid to tell the world ‘this is me, deal with it’. A woman who’s not afraid of anything, or anyone. Well, for the most part, anyway…

“W- wow,” mum gushes as I elegantly descend the stairs and stride into the living room. “You look beautiful, Laura, you really do.”

“Thanks!” I reply with an excited giggle, before posing as mum photographs me with her phone.

“Very beautiful,” Sean says with a proud, fatherly smile. “Do you know what time you’ll be home?”

“Given that most of the girls at the party are under eighteen, that depends on me and the other chaperones,” mum says with a smug grin as I roll my eyes, even though I know she has a point. However, that won't stop me from enjoying the party while I can!

“Well- have fun!” Sean says with a grin, which widens when I give him a gentle hug before following mum out to her car.

A short while later, we’re outside the plain (but still large) hotel near the centre of London. I take care not to crease my dress as I step out of the car and head into the hotel reception- though this care turns out to be futile when I’m immediately greeted by a tight group hug from five of my friends, all of whom squeal excitedly when they see me!

“Happy birthday girlie!” Nicole practically shrieks as she gives me a tight squeeze. “Oops- should that be ‘womanie’?”

“Hmm… ‘girlie’ works for now!” I reply with a giggle as Nicole releases me and we head into the function room that we hired for the day, my jaw dropping when I see how the room's been laid out.

In the centre of the room is a large dancefloor, with tables and chairs surrounding it and a large banner that reads 'Laura Ruddock- 18 today' on the rear wall of the room. Balloons and streamers in pink and silver are scattered throughout the room, and on every table is a plate of delicate pink cupcakes, each decorated with an '18' in shiny red icing. Best of all, though, are the many friends surrounding me and cheering as we enter the room together. My smile even widens when mum approaches, carrying a slender glass of a fizzy drink that I can immediately tell isn’t lemonade!

“Just one glass,” mum cautions me. “And none for any of the rest of you.” Naturally, this makes my friends ‘aww’, though their pouting is short-lived as Megan steps forward with her glass of (non-alcoholic) drink.

“A toast!” My tall best friend announces with an excited giggle. “To my best friend, and one of the best girls in the whole world! To Laura!”

“To Laura!” My friends all yell, making me squeak with excitement as the music starts and we make our way to the dancefloor.

We spend the next few hours dancing, chatting and celebrating, and even though my whole body is exhausted (especially my feet in my heels) by the time mum calls a halt to the party, I still wish that the party could go on for longer- forever, even. However, I know that all good things must come to an end, though I intend to treasure all the memories I have of the party, not least the actual gifts I received- especially the gift I received from Nicole, a painting done by one of her college mates based on a photo of the Excellent Eight we took some time ago.

Needless to say, the painting goes straight on my bedroom wall when we return home, followed by me going straight to bed, such is my tiredness despite being on a high following the party.

I’m awoken the following morning by the sound of the TV coming from downstairs, and a quick check of my phone makes me groan when I realise it’s already after 10am. Even though I know mum won't moan at me for sleeping late after last night's party, I still hurry downstairs, partly because I don’t like wasting what little free time I get at the weekends, but mostly because I don’t like squandering time with the one person whose voice greets me when I enter the living room.

“Ah, good morning, sleepyhead!” Grandma teases me as I cuddle my warm dressing gown around my slender frame and flop down in my usual spot on the sofa. “I take it you had a good night last night, then?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a tired but sincere smile. “It was an AMAZING party, hehe!”

“I hope you’ve properly thanked your mother for it,” Grandma says. “She’s been planning that party for a long time and put a lot of time and money into it.”

“Don’t worry mum, she has!” Mum teases, smirking as I giggle and roll my eyes while mum puts my breakfast down in front of me.

“Good,” Grandma says. “I often read stories on the internet about these spoiled brats who have these big, elaborate parties thrown for them only to throw a massive tantrum because the cake was chocolate instead of vanilla or something silly like that. I’m glad you have a more sensible head on your shoulders!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle, before smirking deviously. “Since when have YOU been on the internet, Grandma?” Needless to say, this earns me a slap on the arm from my grandmother!

“Cheeky devil,” Grandma says with a half-snort, half-chuckle. “I’ll have you know your brother bought me an iPad for my last birthday, and it’s been very useful for keeping me up to date on things like that, and getting in touch with friends I haven’t seen in years.”

“Cool,” I say with a genuine smile.

“And he’ll be round in a bit, your brother,” mum says. “So I’d hurry up and get dressed if I was you!”

“You had your day of fun yesterday, now it’s a family day today!” Grandma says with a smug smile, chuckling as I roll my eyes.

“Yes, yes, hint taken,” I say with a tired chuckle as I finish my breakfast and head back upstairs to shower.

I return twenty minutes later with brushed hair, a light layer of make-up on my face and a casual long-sleeved top, short black skirt and a pair of tights covering my body. It’s a far cry from my glamorous look of last night, but no less feminine, and I feel just as beautiful, just as girly, just as powerful as I did last night as I elegantly lower myself back onto the sofa to await my brother’s arrival.

“You’re looking very nice, Laura,” Grandma compliments me as I get comfortable.

“Thanks,” I say softly. “I’m not wearing too much make-up, then?” I smirk as my grandmother rolls her eyes.

“Not any more than is appropriate for an adult woman,” Grandma replies. “Even if that mouth of yours is getting a bit too smart!”

“The one way she does take after her brother,” mum says with a smirk of her own.

“Hey, I needed to learn it to put up with his constant ‘teasing’,” I retort. “You’ll be happy to learn I’m ‘coaching’ Lily there too. Or would do, if she could ever stand to be in the same building as him.”

“Sean's taken her to his parents' house today,” mum explains to Grandma. “So she's out of the house for the third day in a row, heh. It’s coming to the point where I think Ricky’s birthday present to her will be to not see her on her birthday.”

“Now that is a pity,” Grandma says. “I’d have hoped that nice young woman he’s seeing would’ve taught him a thing or two about being respectful.”

“Yes, well we know where he gets THAT from,” Mum snorts, making me fidget uncomfortably- it’s all too easy to guess who she’s referring to.

“Can- can we not mention that man, please?” I ask with a shudder. “Like, not even hint about his existence?”

“Of course,” Grandma says softly. “Today is about you, Laura. You and your REAL family. Speaking of which, where is Sean? It doesn’t take that long to take Lily to her grandparents’ house, does it?”

“He’s doing some shopping for today’s meal,” mum replies. “We ran out of tinned strawberries, and I assumed you’d want them to make your special pink dessert?”

“Well, obviously!” Grandma chuckles as I smile- while it has a LOT of calories, Grandma’s pink dessert has always been one of my favourite treats. “It was a real stroke of luck for you, meeting that nice young man.”

“For both of us,” I say softly. Even if he hadn’t legally adopted me, I would still consider Sean to be my ‘real’ father in all the ways that are important. Robert may be genetically my parent, but genes mean nothing to me- after all, I’ve spent eighteen years living in a body with the wrong chromosomes, so why should I care that Sean and I aren’t genetically related? He still loves me as his daughter, and I most certainly love him as the father I never had while growing up.

My father returns from the supermarket a short while later, prompting mum and Grandma to immediately jump into action to prepare today’s special lunch. After I help to finish putting away the groceries, I head back to the sofa, but I’m only sat down for a few minutes before a knock comes from the front door, which I open to find my brother standing there alone.

“Gonna let me in?” Ricky asks, making me roll my eyes.

“Hello to you too,” I snort as I stand aside and let Ricky into the house. “Is Alice not with you?”

“Nah, I dumped her,” Ricky replies nonchalantly, nearly making my eyes bulge out of my head until he laughs at my reaction. “Hah, you actually believed that for a second, didn’t you? Nah, she’s doing that Sunday Brunch show, the Channel 4 one, today. Good to know you only care about me when I bring around my famous girlfriend, though.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” I snort as Ricky greets our mother and grandmother with a kiss each.

“What’s this about Alice?” Grandma asks.

“She’s on TV today,” I reply. “On Sunday Brunch, the Channel 4 thing.”

“W- wait, that show’s live, isn’t it?” Mum asks, sighing as Ricky nods. “You could’ve told us she was going to be on it, we’d have watched!”

“Nah, you had guests round,” Ricky retorts, gesturing to our grandmother.

“I wouldn’t have minded!” Grandma protests. “Alice is family after all, or as good as.”

“Well- okay, I’ll know next time,” Ricky shrugs. “You’ll be able to watch it online anyway.”

“That’s not the same thing and you know it,” mum chastises, before sighing. “Still, I suppose it’s one less mouth to feed, so I hope you’ve brought your appetite with you!”

“When do I ever not?” Ricky replies with a smug grin, before turning to me with a more apprehensive look on his face. “I- I’ve also brought something else, Laura. Something- something for you.”

“What, a late present?” I ask, smiling as Ricky hands me an envelope obviously containing a birthday card. “Huh, why’s it addressed to you instead of me?”

“Because- because it’s from Robert,” Ricky says quietly, making my whole body freeze with terror. “It’s from our father.” I feel the bile start to rise on my throat as I look over the card, before dropping it and hastily wiping my hands on my skirt. The mere thought that I’ve touched something he’s touched- worse, something he’s created is enough to make my hands feel like they’re covered in fire ants.

“…Laura?” Sean asks as he senses my sudden panic. “What’s up?” Instinctively, I leap to my feet and lean into my stepfather for a hug, which he is only too happy to give.

“This man,” I say firmly. “This man is my father. NOT that man!”

“What- what’s-“ Sean stammers, before groaning. “Oh- ugh, please don’t tell me that card’s from-“

“What’s going on out here?” Mum asks as she and Grandma emerge from the kitchen. “Laura?”

“Th- that,” I say, tears slowly streaming from my eyes as I point at the card, keeping my distance from it like it was a venomous snake.

“What, a birthday card?” Mum asks as she nonchalantly picks the card up, making me flinch as she unknowingly brings it toward me while looking at it. “Who is this even from, and- ugh.” My mother’s angry spit tells me she’s recognised the handwriting on the envelope. “Ricky, why the hell did you think this would be an appropriate thing to give to your sister?”

“What?” Ricky protests with mock innocence. “He wanted me to pass it on to her, so I did.”

“Who wanted to give what to Laura?” Grandma asks.

“This,” mum sighs, handing the card to my grandmother. “It’s from Robert.”

“Richard White!” Grandma snaps angrily, and despite my anxiety, I allow myself a smirk as I see my brother flinch. “Why on Earth did you think your sister would want to see this?”

“Well, he- he wanted me to pass the card on to her,” Ricky explains. “I’m just the messenger here, don’t blame me!”

“You could’ve used some common sense,” mum growls. “Part of that man’s sentence is that he has no contact with Laura, including by post. He obviously knew that and knew that if he sent a card here, it’d get put straight in the bin. I’m just surprised you’re happy to do his dirty work for him.”

“…He’s still her father,” Ricky says, filling my whole body with tension and rage. Before I get the chance to speak, though, I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder- though despite how anxious I am right now, this unwanted contact actually calms me down, all thanks to who the hand belongs to.

“No,” Sean says calmly, yet firmly. “No he isn’t.”

“This man is my father,” I whisper, smiling as the older man gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “My REAL father.”

“I think you should probably go, Richard,” Grandma says, making me bite my lip to keep my face from turning the same shade of red as my brother’s.

“…Fine,” Ricky mumbles. “But- but Laura’s still an adult- well, now she is, anyway. It should be her decision what she does with the card.” Without saying another word, I take the card from my mother’s hands and tear it in half, then half again, before forcing the tattered scraps into my brother’s hands.

“Does that answer your question?” I ask defiantly, to which my brother can only silently nod. Without another word, he takes the card and leaves the house, and the instant I hear the front door close, I slump forward with only Sean’s firm grip on my shoulder preventing me from faceplanting onto the coffee table.

“Easy, easy,” Sean says softly as he lowers me back onto the sofa, where I slowly weep.

“…I am going to have a very, VERY long word with that boy later tonight,” mum growls.

“No- no, please don’t,” I mumble. “I just- I- I just want to forget this, move on.”

“At the very least, he should apologise to you for what he did,” Grandma insists.

“Well, that’d certainly be a first,” I snort, before shaking my head and drying my eyes. “I- honestly, I just want to forget this. Can- can we just eat, please?”

“Of course,” Grandma whispers, making me smile as we head through to the kitchen to start dishing up lunch.

I put on a brave face throughout the meal as we discuss everything apart from Robert, but inside, my head is still spinning. Yet again, that man has found a way to ruin what should’ve been one of the best weekends of my life. Even while in prison, where he can’t physically get to me, he’s found a way, and even worse, damaged my relationship with my brother as well. Not that Ricky was an innocent bystander- far from it, in fact. But it’ll be a long time before I’m able to fully trust him again, thanks to Robert’s selfishness. And I know that he, and maybe Ricky too, will accuse me of being the selfish one for rejecting him, but like Ricky himself said, I’m an adult, and it’s my choice to make. And worst of all, there’s a small part of me that really wants to know what the card said…

After the meal we return to the living room, where we while away the afternoon talking and watching Alice’s TV appearance from this morning. As afternoon starts to give way to evening, Grandma gets ready to leave before we’re interrupted by a knock on the front door.

“I’ll get that,” mum says, though my body tenses up again when she opens the door and her tone audibly darkens. “What do you want?”

“Sounds like your brother’s here, Laura,” Sean sighs as I try (and fail) to make out what my mother and brother are saying. A short while later, Ricky enters the room accompanied by his girlfriend, and his body language is a lot less cocky than usual.

“Your brother has something he wants to say to you, Laura,” mum says as she, Grandma and Alice look at him angrily.

“I- I’m sorry,” Ricky mumbles. “I shouldn’t have brought the card around, it was insensitive, and I apologise.”

“…Laura?” Mum asks softly, but expectantly.

“Apology accepted,” I mumble, extending my hand for my brother to shake.

“What, not even a hug?” Ricky asks, before wincing as his girlfriend gives him a firm punch on the arm and hisses something in her north-eastern accent that I’m not able to decipher. “…Okay then, I guess.” I force a smile onto my face as my brother shakes my hand, though I also shoot him a look that lets him know I’m still angry with him.

“I- I thought you were great on TV today, Alice,” I say, earning a smile from the copper-haired woman.

“Aww, thanks!” Alice says with a giggle. “Though if I’d known what this idiot was planning I’d probably have skipped it or sent Hannah along instead or something.”

“You didn’t know about the card, then?” Mum asks, making me flinch at the mere mention of it.

“Nope,” Alice replies with a sigh as she and Ricky sit down- with my brother on the far end of the sofa from where I’m sat. “I don’t even look at Ricky’s post and he doesn’t look at mine, so, yeah.”

“Well, at least the card is now in the bin, where it belongs,” mum sighs. “And the more I think about it, we won’t be able to punish that man as he didn’t get in touch with Laura, he got in touch with Ricky, which sadly, he’s well within his rights to do.”

“Can- can we please, PLEASE not talk about him?” I ask firmly as I fidget in my seat.

“You can’t just pretend that he doesn’t exist,” Ricky says in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

“Actually, I think you’ll find I can,” I retort. “Pretending has worked well for me over the last five years, I don’t see any reason why that should change.”

“Don’t you even want to know what the card said?” Ricky asks, not fazed by the angry looks he gets from mum, Grandma and Sean.

“No, I genuinely don’t care what it-“ I say, only for my brother to interrupt me.

“It said ‘to my daughter on her eighteenth birthday’,” Ricky says, silencing the room.

“…You’re lying,” I mumble.

“He- he’s not,” Alice says stoically. “I saw it too.”

“Do you know what this means, Laura?” Ricky asks. “It means he’s willing to accept you.”

“Well that doesn’t mean I should accept him!” I snarl.

“No, no it doesn’t,” mum says firmly. “Ricky, if you want to have a relationship with your father, that’s your choice- you are an adult, after all. But if Laura DOESN’T want a relationship with her fa- her EX-father, that’s her choice, as she is also an adult.”

“Absolutely,” Grandma concurs.

“And if you want to have a relationship with your sister, you won’t ever bring this up again,” I say darkly.

“Laura,” mum says in a voice that while soft, is clearly meant to chastise me. However, I remain defiant, and for the first time ever, I see my brother back down and silently nod his head.

“Fair enough,” Ricky sighs. “Absolutely fair enough. So… Can we now talk about how my girlfriend absolutely smashed it on TV this morning?”

“Absolutely we can!” Grandma says with a proud smile as Alice giggles bashfully, the last few minutes immediately forgotten about- or at least, pretended to be forgotten about.

However, as much as I try to put that card and that man out of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if what Ricky’s implying is true- whether or not that man has finally accepted the truth and is willing to treat me as his daughter, however unwilling I am to treat him as my father. Even if I never see him again, knowing that he accepts me means I no longer need to live in fear when he gets out of prison. Unless, of course, he’s only pretending to accept me in order to get early parole…

Unsurprisingly, I don’t get a lot of sleep that night, but what sleep I do get is mercifully dreamless. The following morning, mum and Sean are obviously unwilling to talk about the card, for which I’m grateful, but as I sit down at the kitchen table I’m reminded that there is one more member of the family who isn’t aware of what happened yesterday.

“Hi Laura,” Lily says as she picks away at her toast. “How was yesterday? Was Ricky much of a pain?” Naturally, this causes me to nearly choke on my coffee, earning a confused look from my stepsister. “…What?”

“Uh- nothing,” I squeak, coughing twice to clear my throat. “No, umm, he- he behaved himself, mostly. Did you- did you see Alice on TV yesterday morning?”

“Bits of it,” Lily shrugs. “Grandma and Grandpa don’t usually watch that show so I watched it on my phone instead.”

“Cool,” I say, grimacing as mum shoots me a supportive smile.

A short while later, Lily and I head out to our father’s car, and after dropping Lily off at my old school, Sean turns to me with a serious look on his face.

“Laura,” Sean says hesitantly. “I know you don’t want to talk about that man’s card-“

“And I don’t,” I interrupt bluntly as I feel my body tensing up again.

“Well- no, fair enough,” Sean says. “But I think it would be good for you if you did talk it through.”

“And here, in the car, on the way to college is the best time for that?” I ask with an angry snort.

“Well- again, no it isn’t,” Sean says. “But you have your counsellor’s meeting tonight, don’t you?”

“Well- yes, yes I do,” I sigh as I know what I’m going to be asked next.

“Promise me you’ll at least bring it up when you see her?” Sean asks softly, making me sigh- in all honesty, I had considered conveniently ‘forgetting’ to mention it when I saw her, but he is right, it should be talked about, and the meeting tonight is the most appropriate place for it- even if I dread what my counsellor will say.

“…Okay,” I sigh, trying not to squirm as Sean smiles proudly at me while he parks the car outside my college.

“You have a good day, take care, and I’ll see you later, okay?” Sean asks.

“Okay,” I say as I elegantly slide out of the passenger seat of the car. “See you later, dad.” I force a smile on my face as I watch my stepfather drive away, though the smile soon becomes genuine when I greet my friends at the entrance to the college.

Unsurprisingly, I don’t mention Robert’s card at all throughout the day, with the main topic of conversation instead being Saturday's party. Even for a Monday, though, the day seems to drag, but eventually 3 o’clock comes around and I find myself on the tube travelling the short distance to my new counsellors’ office.

“Hi Laura,” Dr Blake (the counsellor I’ve been seeing the most over the last few weeks) says as she greets me with a polite handshake. “Please have a seat. I imagine you must be tired after the weekend?” …How exactly do you already know? I think to myself with a look of shock on my face. “…Your birthday? I imagine you had a big party?”

“Oh- yeah, it was great!” I chuckle nervously. “We had a LOT of fun.” But? I think to myself with a grimace, before sighing. “But… The following day, I- ugh. Might as well get this out of the way first, heh.”

“Get what out of the way?” Dr Blake asks.

“Well, you- you know my history with my- well, with my ‘sperm donor’,” I sigh.

“Yes,” Dr Blake replies, pausing to allow me to continue.

“Well, he- ugh,” I sigh, before taking a deep breath. I’m in as safe a space here as I’m going to get. There’s only one other person in the room and their very reason for being here today is to bolster my mental health. They won’t judge, they’ll only listen, so I need to trust them to do just that- to listen to me, and to help me. “He- he sent me a birthday card, which read ‘to my daughter’.”

“And how did this make you feel?” Dr Blake asks.

“Honestly? Angry,” I reply. “I mean- how dare he? How dare he assume that he just sends me a card and all will be forgiven? I am NEVER going to forgive him for what he did to me. I- I didn’t even want to look at the card, I- I tore it up, but my brother was the one who told me what it said.”

“But your- but Robert won’t know that you tore it up,” Dr Blake says.

“Well- no, not unless Ricky tells him,” I sigh. “But I- ugh. I want him to know how I feel, but I- I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of, like, taking up any of my time, if that makes sense?”

“It does,” Dr Blake says with a nod. “And you have every right to be angry, and every right to feel the way you do- both ways that you do about Robert. What he did to you was unforgivable, and he has been rightly punished for it. But you are still suffering.”

“…So what can I do about it?” I ask. “Just accept that I’m going to be stressed out for the rest of my life?”

“There are options available to you,” Dr Blake says. “You don’t want to see Robert face-to-face, and no one should make you do that, least of all me. But pretending that he doesn’t exist hasn’t been working for you, has it?”

“No,” I sigh. “I mean, I try, but in the back of my mind, he’s always there, and then something like this happens and I- ugh. My only comfort is that he’ll be dead someday, but even then, knowing my luck he’ll probably come back as a ghost and haunt me…”

“Well, there are options short of murdering him,” Dr Blake says as I let out an involuntary snort of laughter. “Laura, I- I want you to write a letter, to your father, detailing your feelings.”

“But- what if I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of even, like, knowing that I took the time to write to him?” I plead.

“I never said you actually had to send it to him,” Dr Blake explains. “This letter is for your benefit, not his. Putting your feelings down on paper, or even if you type it into a computer, can be therapeutic. You can then read them back and examine what you're feeling and why you feel that way.”

“Well- I guess,” I mumble. “But what would I even say?”

“I’m afraid only you know the answer to that,” Dr Blake replies sympathetically as I let out a long sigh.

The subject of the letter stays on my mind for the rest of the session, and when I leave just under an hour later, my head is spinning. There’s so much I want to say to Robert, so much I want him to learn, but I know he won’t listen, that nothing I say, or even feel will penetrate his lead-lined skull. But like Dr Blake said, the letter isn’t for him, it’s for me.

As I ride the tube back home, I open the notepad app on my phone and start typing. I don’t expect to finish this letter tonight, or this week, or even this year, but I can at least make a start. And there’s only one way I want to start this letter.

‘Dear Robert,’ I type into the phone. ‘I want you to know that no matter what you feel about me, I hate you and I always will. I can never forgive you for what you did to me.’ As I type, though, I see the words on the screen, and just as Dr Blake advised, I find myself examining why I'm feeling the way I do. Do I want to be defined by my hatred for the rest of my life? All I know is that I’m going to need to think about this letter a lot…