It seems like it’s night. The lights are dim. I see machines glow in the distance. My vision is fuzzy, so the lights are a radiating blur rather than something distinct. I try to raise my right arm, but something holds them down. A cuff on my wrist. I try the same with my left wrist. A cuff on my wrist there too. I’m tied down and immediately go into a panic. My heart rate spikes and alarms go off. A flash of light from beyond the bed to my right and a shadowy figure enters. I try to scream, but it comes out as a slight whimper. I’m struggling against the restraints. “You’re okay, please calm down. I need you to calm down for me. You’re restrained for your own safety.”

I’m so scared. I’m panicking. I can’t breathe.

The lights flash on. A woman with gray hair wearing a faded green smock similar to the ones at the hospital is trying to calm me down. Is this real? “You’ve got to calm down for me sweetheart.”

Everything goes black.

My head is pounding. I’m groggy. My eyes open slowly adjusting to the light in the room. Is any of this real? I’m still in a hospital room, at least that’s the last thing I remember. The room is sparse. There’s only a TV mounted from the ceiling. There’s a machine to my left that looks like it’s monitoring my heartbeat. I can’t turn my head to get a better look. There something preventing me from turning my head. I’d pinch myself, but my arms are restrained.

There’s a door at the far end of the room to my right, My mouth is dry, and my throat is sore. I try to swallow, but there is some resistance there. A nurse enters the room. She’s in a smock and brightly colored pants. To be honest, I can only guess I’m in a hospital. The dreams were very vivid. I wonder how much of it actually happened?

I think the nurse is aware that I’m awake. “Try not to move, we don’t want you fainting like you did last night. The doctor will be in shortly.” The nurse has a cheery disposition almost effervescent.

Another figure enters the room. A tall man, with glasses, his dark hair parted in a crew cut. He initiates a conversation with the nurse. They speak quietly so I can’t hear them. He's wearing a white lab coat with a powdered blue smock underneath and pants to match. He looks up at something above me, then at the metal clipboard in his hand. He slowly walks towards my bedside. “I’m Doctor Myers. I’ll be joined by Doctor Cho in a minute.”

He runs me through a battery of diagnostics. He’s almost mechanical in his movements almost as if he is diagnosing a chemistry experiment gone wrong than treating a patient. I had to ‘blink once for yes and twice for no.' He told me to do so since my neck and throat suffered some injury, most of which has yet to fully heal. The feeding tube up my nose and down my throat was a detail I could have lived without. Dr. Myers raised the bed and proceeded to remove the collar around my neck saying that it was a ‘precautionary measure they used on patients with neck and spinal injuries.’

“Feel better?”

I give a slight nod forgetting to blink. I try to swallow, and I feel the pain immediately. The doctor sees my distress. He tells me the pain will decrease over time.

Another man, Asian, with gray hair enters the room. He must be Dr. Cho. He has a kind face compared to that of Dr. Myers who was more stoic. They converse away from me. I can’t really make out what they have to say to each other. Dr. Myers takes his leave, and Dr. Cho approaches. He smiles at me warmly. I smile back. He reminds me of my grandfather. Well, Mom’s dad, who had a very sunny disposition. “I’m Doctor Cho. I’m the staff psychologist here. I’m here to help if you’ll let me, okay?” He has a radiant smile that you can’t say ‘no’ to. I nod my assent. Dr. Cho released my restraints, and I rub my wrists. No sooner than he has a chance to sit down, he is called away on an emergency, leaving me to sit in the empty room.

My thoughts grow darker as the nurse re-enters the room. “Would you like to watch some television?” she asks.

She shows me how to use the call pendant to control the TV and signal for assistance. It also controls the bed.

Powering on the TV, the first channel I see is the news. It’s October. I’ve been unconscious for over a month. A news story catches my attention.

The Principal at Bay View High School is under investigation for possible misconduct after one of the male students was allegedly assigned to the all-girls cheerleading squad and even attended classes as a girl. The story came to light after it was reported that the student, who’s name has been withheld, had attempted suicide by hanging from the chain of a swing at a local park. The student was still wearing a girl’s cheerleading uniform when found. We have also learned that the student was assaulted by another student earlier that day in a separate incident. Interviews with some students revealed that the cheerleader was forced on the squad as punishment after a prank had gone awry. The District has issued this statement:

The student did survive the attempted suicide and is being treated at a local area hospital.

I turned off the TV. I wasn’t expecting that it would go that far. Dr. Corning may lose her job, and the girls would be vilified. I couldn’t imagine that so much would go wrong when I started. My suicide attempt, another in a line of events that hurt others. It seems that everything I do lately hurts someone. A wave of guilt washes over me.

The darkness grew within me. Had death claimed me, I would have escaped what further humiliation lay before me. Had I fallen into death’s embrace, I couldn’t harm anyone anymore. Had I accepted death’s kiss, I wouldn’t hurt anymore. Even death didn’t love me enough to spirit me away from my life now so fraught with so much anguish. Karma?

If I couldn’t take my own life. What else could I do with it? It didn’t matter that the news did not share my name. Everyone at the school knew. Would I return to my position of ignominy? Would I again be the pariah? Would I continue to hurt more people? Could I escape… Me?

I put down the pendant controls and notice the white band on my wrist. I recognized the band as one Amber wore on her wrist when I visited her in the hospital. I examined it carefully.
STEWART, ERIN

E-R-I-N? There must be some mistake.

A head peeked into my room. “Hey? I heard you were awake.” Amber?

She approaches my bedside. “It’s a bit different from that side of the bed isn’t it?” Her voice has a touch of sadness. She’s talking to me? Wasn’t she still mad at me?

I couldn’t look up at her. I stared at the white hospital band on my wrist.

“You look different with long hair. You could be Ellie’s twin, did you know that? After you… After you were rescued. Ellie quit the squad, and she won’t talk to anyone; not even me. No one knows why.”

I close my eyes trying not to remember Ellie's last words to me. They flashed in my head in spite of myself.

“I’m back in school. Everyone misses you. They keep asking me how my sister is doing. I’m still trying to get used to that.”

I sit there silent. Not knowing what to say, I'm engulfed in my inability to end my own life.

“Mom and Dad are outside. They’re talking with the doctors that are treating you. Mom’s taking it all pretty hard, you know. She’s really concerned that all this is her fault.”

I close my eyes.

“I’m not on the squad anymore, either. The doctors say I can’t do anything strenuous for at least a year and I don’t think the doctors will ever clear me to even play sports again. I’ve spent more time with Lisa since I’ve been back. She told me about what happened to her and why she can’t cheer anymore. She told me not to say anything. She says ‘hi.' by the way.”

I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to respond.

“Erin, please say something. I don’t understand any of this. Were you that jealous of me? Was that why you pulled the prank? They all said how much of a different person you once were. They were glad you came out of your shell and finally showed yourself as a girl.”

All that from a single day? From a single day dressed as a cheerleader, they all formed that opinion of me? Was it that easy?

“Was that it? You wanted to be a girl? Did it hurt that much being a boy? Please talk to me. Erin? Sis?”

I open my mouth to speak. Amber pauses and waits for what I have to say. I take a breath. I whisper dry and monotone. “Why am I not dead?” It’s more a lament than a question.

The question stuns Amber. I watch her shudder. I see tears well in her eyes. Her words have left her. She slowly turns and walks away into the arms of our dad. He pulls her into an embrace as she sobs. “It’s okay, Amber.” Dad rubs her back to soothe her. “Can you go wait in the lobby?”

Amber looks up at our dad, nods and makes her way to the door closing it behind her.

Dad walks to my bedside. “How are you holding up?”

“I…” I feel my throat begin to burn as soon as I try to speak. I swallow to clear my throat only to be greeted with a sharp pain. I try to push through the pain. “it hurts to talk.”

“I gathered that. Look honey…”

I knit my brows together at the pseudonym reserved for my sister Amber.

“It’s alright. We know about you going to school as a girl. We probably should have explored why you were so isolated growing up. It’s our fault for… for not keeping up with how you were doing. It does make sense that you would be embarrassed to show us who you really are.”

I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure if there is anything to say.

Dad continues, “I probably should have seen it. That discussion on the drive to the hospital to visit Amber… The one about you wanting to be a cheerleader makes more sense now. You were trying to open up to me about wanting to be a girl. I… I guess I wasn’t listening close enough.”

I try to recall the discussion. I don’t think there was anything that I said that even hinted that I wanted to be a girl.

He takes my hand in his, “Honey, we still love you. I’m just a bit shocked that it happened so quickly. Sweetheart, you don’t have to hide this from us.”

He’s treating me like Amber. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to cry.

“Don’t cry, baby girl. We’ve worked it out with the hospital that you should be treated as a girl just like Dr. Corning did with you at school. It’s a small step, but we’re working with the counselor that has been helping you. Evelyn Yates? We found her card along with Dr. Corning’s note. We called Evelyn to try to find out more. When we told her that you had attempted to take your own life, she confirmed for us that she had spoken with you.”

I try to rub the tears away from my eyes. Dad grabs a tissue from somewhere and begins to dab at my eyes. He’s only been this gentle with Amber. I start to blush from his show of affection.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. We only want you to be happy. Your friends seem to think that you were happy when you came out as a girl. They were all shocked as much as we were that you would take your own life. We were just lucky that Marcus went looking for you.”

A soft knock on the door. Mom joins Dad at my bedside. They share a look, and he walks out. “I’m so sorry you had to go so far to show us who you are. My darling daughter, you must have been in so much pain. I want you to know that we’re here for you. I have to admit that we know next to nothing about transgenderism, but I’m willing to learn to understand what you have been going through. The doctors say that suicide is pretty common for girls like yourself. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“I can’t be a girl,” I say straining my voice.

“Baby, we’ll do everything we can to support you. I’d rather my daughter be alive than my son, dead.” My mom’s words to me were more cryptic than I could fathom. She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’ll check on you later okay, darling?”

I nod as the pain in my throat subsides. She turns and leaves me with my thoughts. Mom, Dad, and Amber were so ready to accept me as a girl. They are willing to support me along that path. What did I have as a boy? Even in my darkest moments, my family had little or no affection or real concern for Aaron.

Despite the incidents with Taylor and Ellie, that day was one of the first days I felt positive about myself. Was it better to live as Erin, a girl everyone liked and have the support of family and friends? I knew Aaron wouldn’t have the support of either. Even if 'he' returned, they'd all want to see 'her' or wonder what happened to 'her'. Aaron was nobody, a loner who hated himself and could not make any friends. Erin made friends quickly, she was treated well at school, and everyone rallied around her when she needed their support.

In a moment of clarity, I made my decision. Aaron died on the swing, alone and friendless. Erin was rescued by people who wanted to save her. She was the one that woke up this morning. She is the one who survived. I look again at the white band on my wrist. E-R-I-N, I'd better get used to that.

Author’s note. This concludes Part 2 of The Squad. The direction of this story has departed far away from my original vision. The new course of the story left me little choice but to scrap my original ideas for the concluding part this story.

I love you all!
Hugs,
Leila