We arrive at the hospital, it’s about half past 6. I was expecting to head for the same critical care ward that I had seen Amber last. Instead, dad leads me to a different floor. Amber’s condition must have improved. We enter to find a smiling Amber just finishing dinner. “Aaron!” the excitement in my sister's voice makes my heart swell with joy. “Oh, it’s so good to see you!”

Either she hasn’t been told that I was responsible for her being here or she’s on some pretty good pain meds. She raises her arms welcoming. I cautiously make my way over trying not to tip over the monitors and machines that surround her bed. I gingerly give her a hug.

“So what have you been up to?” I look over at my dad he staring lovingly at Amber. “Oh, you know school and stuff,” I say nervously. “When do you think they’ll let you out of here?”

“Hopefully, this Saturday, I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to. I probably won’t be cheering for awhile, I doubt that the school would want me cheering until I’m well enough. Right, Dad?”

“Um, that’s right, sweetheart.” He’s lying? I don’t know for sure, I rarely catch my dad in a lie, but it’s that same hesitation that he gets when he tells mom he’s fine with the ‘low sodium diet.'

Amber must have picked up on it too but she continues, “I miss the girls so much. It would be great to see them all again.”

“Yeah, Ellie’s been really worried about you. She wanted to come visit.”

I hear the door behind me open and close. Dad gave us some private time to talk. My attention turns back towards Amber.

My sister stirs the remnants of food on her tray with her fork. “Too bad it’s two hours away. She’d either have to skip practice or get here pretty late. Ellie is great isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she asks about you every chance she gets.” I’m trying to raise her spirits.

“I wonder who they have taking my place?”

Oh, god she doesn’t know. “Your place?”

“I figured the squad would hold tryouts to fill my spot. There weren't too many girls that wanted to join last spring. Hopefully, more would have changed their minds.”

“I think they had someone, but it didn’t work out. Ellie was made an ‘alternate,’ instead and they're going with a squad of six now.” I say trying to hide my disappointment.

“She must be devastated. We joined the squad together, you know.”

“Yeah, like Cindy and Lisa when they joined.”

“Yeah, those two were inseparable until Lisa had to leave the squad. I hope the same doesn’t happen to Ellie and me.”

“It won’t, Cindy and Lisa still hang out together, Lisa’s just hurt because she can’t be part of the squad anymore.” I move towards the bed and sit at the foot of Amber’s bed. I was tired of standing. “She was telling me today about how much she misses it and how much it hurt to just be on the sidelines.”

“Lisa is great. I’m sorry that she can’t be on the squad anymore. It’s certainly nice of Lisa to be concerned about me. Lisa was a lot of help to Ellie and me. We worked out a lot with her and Cindy before tryouts. She thought it was cute how Ellie and I were trying to make the squad together. I almost died of exhaustion the first time Lisa worked out with us. That girl is like the Energizer Bunny. But, she got me in shape enough so I wouldn’t pass out at tryouts. I was a bit more out of shape than Ellie. Cindy worked with her, while Lisa did laps around McKinley Park with me. I miss our talks on those runs.”

“Yeah, so do I, she said I was about as much out of shape as you were. She ran circles around me on the trail. She said that tumbling runs would take a lot out of me. If I weren't in shape, I wouldn’t be able to work through the full routine. Coach Reed was beginning to teach me tumbling drills with Ellie when I got kick off the squa…” Amber’s eyes are open as wide as saucers. At that moment, I realized what I had just said.

“You? They replaced ME with YOU?” Shocked? Angered? Confused? I’m not sure, I missed her expression, I was trying to figure a way to salvage this conversation. She stares at me waiting for an answer.

What could I say? Yes, Amber and it was the happiest time I could remember? Or Yes, Amber I love being a cheerleader. Or even I loved being part of the squad until I was kicked off… “It wasn’t my fault, they made me.”

“They made you…” her response was less a question and more an incredulous statement. “And… Why would they make you?”

“Because I was the reason you were hurt,” I say sadly. “It was a stupid prank. I blew an air horn while you were in the air and it scared the squad enough that the girls couldn’t catch you.” I was waiting for her to yell at me, to scream at me or something.

She just sat there pouring the something through her mind. I watch a sad look take over her face. “I never thought you would ever be someone that would hurt me.” She says quietly, dryly, then turned away to look out the window.

I stood there dumbstruck. Amber didn’t yell, scream, or curse me. I thought I may be able to handle, everything I had feared that would happen when I confessed. That small phrase was… I did something worse than hurt her. I hurt something in her. She never thought I would ever hurt her. I did. There was nothing I could do to undo the damage to her image of me. Her body would heal. She was someone that I relied on. Someone that I trusted. She was there for me. Did she feel the same way about me? Did I just ruin that? I stood there motionless staring at my sister. Why won’t she even face me?

She presses the button to call the nurse. I’m wondering what she is doing. She’s really quiet.

“Amber? Please talk to me?” I begged. “Scream, yell, I don’t care, just don’t shut me out.” She looks at me hurt. I freeze in terror.

The nurse comes in. “Hi Amber, how are you this evening. It looks like you are finished with dinner. I’ll just take the tray from you.”

“Is my dad outside?” my sister says calmly.

“I think he is, do you want me to get him for you?”

“I’d like to speak with my dad alone, please.”

“Amber?” I'm pleading with her to answer back.

My sister gives a look to the nurse.

“Alright, think this young lady need some alone time with her father. Come along.”

“Amber? Amber? Please don’t shut me out!” The nurse places herself between my sister and me. “Amber, I’m sorry!” I’m in a panic. What if she doesn’t want to see me again, speak to me again?

“Young man, I think you're going to make your sister upset. Now, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You can wait in the Lobby.”

“No, I can’t leave like this.” I try to peer around the nurse and make one more plea, “You’ve gotta forgive me! I’m sorry! Amber?”

She continues to stare out the window. The nurse herds me out the door. She closes the door behind her. I’m staring at the door. “I’m sorry…” I say quietly, knowing it would fall deafly on the door as much as it would Amber.

I get shuffled back to the lobby, I’m in a trance. The nurse sits me down and tells my father that Amber would like to see him. I’m alone with my thoughts again. All the friends in the world could not replace what I had with Amber. I lived with the silence of others. ‘Her silence towards me?’, would be unbearable.

We drive home in complete silence, except for one exchange between my father and me:

“Son, I think it’s best that you give Amber some space. Maybe in time she’ll come around.”

“She can’t forgive me if she won’t talk to me.”

“Aaron, you’ve got to learn that she doesn’t have ‘to forgive you.' Forgiveness, real forgiveness is not something that is just granted as a reflex to an ‘I’m sorry.'”

I stewed the rest of the drive home. Wondering what would happen to me next. Was I really back where I started or was I even worse off? Dr. Corning gave me a chance rejoin the squad. Monica asked what I wanted to do. I put her in a bad spot and realize that I’d be hurting the squad with whatever choice I made. I told my sister the truth about how she got hurt, and now she won’t even look at me. I still don’t know if there are any more consequences to the prank. Was Dr. Corning going to still punish me for the prank? We pull into the driveway, and my dad shakes me out of my slumber.

I went to bed thinking about my father’s words to me and Amber’s reaction. I was worried about what he meant when he said that Amber didn’t have to forgive me. She's supposed to forgive me, isn’t she? I said I was sorry. She’s on the mend… I guess she’d have to sit out of cheer until she was well enough. Well, there’s also dad possibly lying to Amber about her return to the squad. Did he really know something? Is it possible for her to be out of cheer permanently, like Lisa?

---

I woke up the next morning wondering what would happen to Amber if she was off the squad permanently. She was so excited to be a part of the squad. I felt that. I also know what it’s like to be in the squad and how much leaving them hurts. I can say that I walked away from the squad. I can try to rejoin it next year. But to be off of it permanently? I probably should talk to Lisa about it.

I seek out Lisa right after Second period. “Hey, Lisa?”

“Hey, I heard about you and the squad yesterday. Are you okay?” She cocks her head slightly with concern on her face.

I take a deep breath. “I'm hurt, though looking at Monica and the rest of the squad, I knew whatever she chose would hurt her or the squad. The only thing I could do was withdraw and spare the squad the pain. Though, that left Ellie out. She still an alternate.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that. I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now. But I think you did the right thing.”

“I know, just like when I told Amber the truth last night.”

“What?”

“I told her that I was responsible for her being in the hospital.”

“Why would you do that? All that would do is upset her! Couldn’t you have waited until after she came home?”

“There’s more to the story.”

“I want to hear this. Let’s meet up for lunch? I was looking for you at lunch yesterday. I found out about your conversation with Monica from Cindy later in the day. Cindy was concerned about you. I wanted to call you to find out how you were doing. Why don’t you have a cellphone?”

The bell rings for class.

“Ms. Cramer, I’d like a word with Mr. Stewart if you don’t mind.”

Lisa looks at me, probably wondering what will happen next. I don’t see it getting any worse. I shrug and tell her that I’ll see her at lunch.

“Mr. Stewart, I’d like to see you again in my office.” She has a distracted look on her face. Was there some news?

---

I nervously follow Dr. Corning to her office. The familiar chair awaits. She closes the door and sits at her desk. “Mr. Stewart, I wanted you to meet with Mrs. Yates yesterday. Apparently, you didn’t attend.”

“I’m sorry Dr. Corning I had a lot on my mind after I told the squad I would not be joining them.”

“Well, that’s an odd turn of events? Would you enlighten me about how that came about?”

“I thought about the position I’d put Monica, the cheer captain, in if I made her choose between allowing me back on the squad or not. I realized that I’d hurt her and the squad regardless of her answer to me. I told her that I didn’t want her to have to choose and I withdrew.”

“I see, I’d still like you to speak with Mrs. Yates, but she will not be able to meet with you this afternoon. There has been another matter that requires her attention.” She pauses. “I…” There’s a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“Dr. Corning, the girls from the squad are here.”

She has an exasperated look on her face. “Please, bring them in.”

Monica spots me and gives me a questioning look. “What are you doing here?” She clams up after she sees Dr. Corning’s face. She must be thinking the same thing I am.

Didn’t Dr. Corning say something about Dr. Yates being brought in for grief counseling?

I watch all seven girls file into the room. The girls murmur quietly to each other as they enter.

I stand and try to make my way out of her office. “Mr. Stewart, please remain here. And please shut the door.”

I close the door, the girls gather towards the chairs. I wait by the door, standing.

Dr. Corning looks over at the squad from across her desk. “Ladies, I’m sorry to be the bearer of some difficult news…”

I can feel the blood rush from my face. Amber? Please, don’t let it be Amber. I know they’re all thinking the same thing. A couple of the girls shoot me a look, a worried look. I feel the sadness fill my sinuses, there are tremors forming within me. My heart starts to race. She was fine yesterday. Please, not Amber.

Another knock on the door startles me from behind. I turn to open it, but pause to await Dr. Corning’s approval. She nods her assent, I open the door, “Dr. Corning, the parents, have started to arrive.”

Parents? My heart begins to pound more intensely. It’s Amber. My head begins to throb to match the pounding in my chest. I can feel my throat start to close.

“Thank you, Ms. Wilkes. Tell the parents, I’ll be right out. Please shut the door.” The door closes behind me. The sound of it muffled… dampened by the panic.

She takes a deep breath, “Now then, ladies, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you all this. Coach Tompkins was sent to the hospital this morning. I’m sorry, she didn’t survive.”

A shiver radiates from my heart to my fingers and toes. “What?” I gasp. I’m half relieved that I didn’t hear Amber’s name. But what did she say? Coach Tompkins… is dead?

Dr. Corning doesn’t answer as if by saying it again it would be another stab at our hearts.

Coach Tompkins death hits us pretty hard. Cindy wails first, followed by Casey as they all burst into their own pangs of grief. The girls continue to cry and console each other. I’m standing alone, the shock reverberates through me, as the girls gather together.

In a gesture that I wasn’t expecting, Monica lifts her gaze towards me, tears still falling, then she looks down at the squad. She extends her arm towards me. A bittersweet welcome to the squad. I walk sheepishly over and join them looking over to Dr. Corning, then back at the squad.” As Monica wraps her arm around my neck resting her hand on my shoulder. I felt my tears well and fall.

There’s something that I feel. A connection, maybe. As if our grief was shared with each other. Grief feels worse than loneliness. But shared? It lingers less. We all feel the pain and loss, but being with each other softens it. That connection… I don’t want it to go away.

Dr. Corning must have known this. Why else would she ask me to stay? Dr. Corning didn’t have to include me, but she did. A small act of tenderness and compassion.

Dr. Corning opens the door and leaves to talk to the parents that have arrived.

---

Cindy is the first to speak out trying to regain her composure. “We should do something…” she sniffs back some tears. “In honor of Coach T.”

Monica dries her tears. “Like what?” Choking back her sobs.

The rest are still sobbing and holding each other.

“Well, we could…” Dianna presses a tissue to her nose and sobs a bit more before continuing. “A black patch, maybe? on our uniforms?”

Jennifer looks over at Allison then at Dianna, she can’t speak. She just nods.

Casey chimes in. “Maybe… Friday? The game?”

Ellie is the first to really calm down. “Without Coach T, can, can we still cheer?” Ellie says while drying her tears.

Monica adds, “Let’s wear our uniforms tomorrow. For Coach T? Then again at the game on Friday?”

I remain quiet, as the girls nod in agreement. They shuffle out the door to the arms of their waiting parents.

Ellie stays back with me. Her parents haven’t arrived yet. “I know you’re not officially part of the squad, She meant almost as much to you as she did to us. This might sound strange, but do you think, I mean, it may mean a lot, you know, if you could do the same.”

“The same?”, I ask.

Ellie perks up. “As the squad. Wear the uniform. Well, I mean Amber’s uniform. You’re as much a part of this squad as we are. It may help… if you could stand in for Amber. Since she can’t be here.”

I shake my head, “I’m just not sure. I walked away, remember?”

“Look, whether you’re in or not, that’s really up to the squad, not just Monica. I know you put her in a bad position, but you didn’t give the squad a chance to come around. Here’s a chance for them to see you support them and Coach T.”

“Won’t it be weird?”

“Not, if we don’t let it… Be weird, I mean.” Ellie tries to couch her plan.

“What do you mean?”

“Coach T meant a lot to a lot of people here, not just the cheerleaders. If it’s a tribute to her, I don’t think anyone would hold it against you. Especially, with the black band across the school letters.”

“The girls are probably going home. We should talk to them first.”

Ellie looks pensively at me. “My sister can’t sign us out of school. We can’t join them. God, I wish Amber was here.” She sniffs back another bit of her grief. “I really can’t go back to class. Not after this. I…” we’re both back to crying.

Dr. Corning returns, a sad and somber look on her face. Her normally stoic demeanor is now awash in agony.

“Mr. Stewart, I’m sorry, we didn’t call your parents. And Ms. Foster. We’ve been unable to reach yours. I think under the circumstances, it’s fine if you remain here in the office. I doubt you can absorb much instruction today.”

“My folks are out of town. Amber's, I mean Aaron’s parents are my emergency contacts. I don’t think either would mind taking me and Aaron home. Is that possible?”

“I think Aaron’s parents have a lot on their minds at the moment, but I’ll give it a try. If you would excuse me, I’m going to make a few phone calls.”

---

Instead of class, we met with Mrs. Yates, the counselor, Dr. Corning had mentioned. She’s fairly young, she looks like she’s in her late 20s maybe early 30’s. She had a pleasant smile though she seems to have the same… preoccupied look to her that Dr. Corning had. She wanted to speak with us one on one. The look on Ellie's face when Mrs. Yates brought it up compelled me to ask for a joint session. Mrs. Yates reluctantly agreed.

“My name is Evelyn Yates.” She says motioning us to chairs in an empty office. “I am a counselor for the district. Do you know what it is that we do as counselors?” We nod silently. “Could you start by introducing each other?” She turns to Ellie, a cue to start talking. I sit there quietly.

“I’m Ellie, Ellie Foster?” She says almost as a question. Mrs. Yates looks over at me and smiles.

“Aaron, Aaron Stewart,” I say softly.

“Now then, I’m really sorry to hear about Coach Tompkins. I can only imagine how you two must feel after hearing such news.” I stare at my shoes. I sense Ellie does the same.

“She was an assistant coach here when I was on the squad.” Instantly our heads move up to look at her. “She had been coaching for a long time. She worked on choreography, Coach Wilson focus on the acrobatics and training.”

Ellie adds, “Coach Reed handles the tumbling drills now. She was working with Amber and me and well now with Aaron and me. Coach T was working with the rest of the squad on the choreography.“

“Oh, and where’s Amber?”

I remain silent. “She, she had an accident.” Ellie chimes in hoping to hide some of my embarrassment at the prank.

“I hope she’s alright?”

I sigh, “She is, but now she won’t talk to me.”

Ellie shoots me a quizzical look.

I continue. “I told Amber that I was responsible for the prank that put her in the hospital.”

“Ah yes. I was supposed to meet with you yesterday. Well, it seems like we have more to talk about.” Mrs. Yates writes a note on her pad.

The session continues for another hour. It wasn’t all about our grief. Mrs. Yates did share some anecdotes about Coach T that made us both feel better.

---

I follow Ellie out the door, closing it behind me. “I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

“In honor of Coach T, I’ll wear Amber’s uniform to school tomorrow.”

“Really? That would mean so much to us.”

“Please don’t make me regret it.”

“The squad would be so touched by you joining us,” she says through her tears, pulling me into a hug. “We’ll take care of everything, you’ll see.” she releases her embrace, “Can you have your mom drop you off at my house? We can get changed into our uniforms at my house in the morning, and we’ll go to school together. What do you think?”

I eye her suspiciously.

Ellie allays my fears. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to wear the skirt. Just wear the shell instead” referring to the top. “Maybe you can wear some white pants? It would match the uniform since you’re not wearing the skirt.”

“I don’t own any white pants.”

“How about you just come over this evening? I think I may have something. It may be a bit loose on you, though. But at least you can try on the top, and if you are okay with it, then we can meet up with the squad in the morning like we always do. Would that be okay?”

“I don’t know, I’d have to ask my folks.”

---

By noon, the word has spread through the school. Lisa finds me in the office. She’s got tears in her eyes. “Cindy went home.” She says with pain in her voice. “I… I had to hear about Coach T from the announcement.” Ellie was the first to pull her into a hug. I followed suit. Lisa turns to me, “I couldn’t find you, I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I was devastated when I heard the news. The girls all took the news pretty hard. Most of them went home.”

“You were with the squad when they told you?” Lisa has a tortured look on her face.

“It sort of just happened. Dr. Corning pulled me into…” I see her face turn sour. “What's wrong?”

“I was with you, she sent me to class. I was on the squad… She, just…” I could see the pain and exclusion in her eyes. It was the same that I saw in the mirror each morning while Amber was in the hospital.

Ellie tries to calm Lisa down. “I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

“It just hurts, you know? One minute, I’m on the squad, happy to be part of something special. Now I’m not even…” She’s hurt and sad. “God, this is what I was trying… I didn’t want you to feel like this either. I hated that cheer would become important to you as it did for me, only to watch from the sidelines.”

I knew now why she made me promise not to ask her to rejoin the squad. It hurt too much, but she couldn’t stay away. Whatever made her ineligible, took this away from her permanently. My thoughts drift to Amber and what I had done to her. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know… How much it hurt. I understand now why you reacted the way you did yesterday. I love you so much for trying to protect me from that.”

“It just hurts so much, not being included.” Her sad eye streaming tears. She reaches into her purse for another tissue.

Ellie begins to lay out the squads tribute “Look, the girls are going to wear their uniforms tomorrow. Maybe you should wear yours? In honor of Coach T?”

“I’d like that. But what about you?” Lisa looks over at me.

I sigh. “I’ve got Amber's. I can at least wear the top. I think I’ll stand out less just wearing the top.”

“What if you don’t stand out at all?” She says plainly. Ellie looks at her curiously. I join her.

“Well, if you look natural enough, you wouldn’t stand out. Would you? Meet me after school, you too Ellie and bring Amber’s uniform.”

“I don’t know about this. I don’t want this to be about me. It’s supposed to be a tribute to Coach T.”

“It will be. And by you looking natural, it won’t be such a… spectacle?” I can see the wheels turning in Lisa’s mind.

“Alright.” I'm trying not to think about how Amber may feel about me borrowing her uniform.

“Ellie, can your sister drive us to my aunt’s shop, you know, after school?”

“I guess so, why?”

“So she can work her magic on Aaron here.” She says with a grin.