It has been such a long time since all this started. I poured through the memories in my head of the last two and a half months. The air horn prank that I pulled on Amber and Ellie. Amber falling through the trio of cheerleaders who were propping her up. The ambulance taking my sister away to a hospital where she laid in a coma for almost a month. Joining the cheer squad as a temporary cheerleader, my punishment for my prank. The threat that if I didn’t improve or quit, I would be expelled from school. The loneliness of being a social outcast, compounded by my parents abandoning me so they may care for Amber and be by her bedside while she was unconscious.

My thoughts then turned to Ellie and Lisa and how they were becoming closer to me than even Taylor, who was supposed to be my best friend. I also recalled the joy of improving and being part of the squad. My emotional speech to the squad hoping that they would find the kindness to forgive me and accept me as one of them.

My thoughts then turned to being kicked off the squad by Dr. Corning who thought it an injustice that I was being forced against my will because of the impromptu punishment that my parents and Coach Tompkins devised. It just seemed to get worse from there. Amber’s rejection of my apology, her silence towards me. Then there is my aborted plea to Monica to rejoin the squad.

Coach Tompkins death lead to a bittersweet series of events. The announcement brought pain and sadness of her death, but also opened Monica’s heart to allow me to share in the squad’s mourning. I never thought I would be so hurt and healed at the same time when Monica pulled me into the squad’s embrace after learning of Coach T’s death. Then seeing the heartbreak on Lisa’s face when she realized that she wasn’t included when we were all told of Coach T’s death. That reminded me of the isolation she felt by not being part of the squad.

I remember looking at myself in Ellie’s mirror while wearing Amber’s uniform. It was a feeling so intense I could barely fathom what it meant. I remember the apprehension I felt walking to school in Amber’s uniform with Ellie at my side. Seeing the young woman I could be, I was shown another possibility for my life, one where I was someone else entirely. The thought was there in the back of my mind... I thought of myself as someone people could accept, but it wasn't Aaron, it was the pretty young girl wearing her sister's cheer uniform. Monica, the squad, the students… even Dr. Corning and the teachers were so ready to accept me as any other teenage girl. I thought my life was turning a corner. I thought for all of the bad; I could handle what was to come because I had good friends like Ellie and Lisa.

There is an uneasiness of being something you never were. I was never dressed as a girl, treated as a female, lived as a young woman. But they all viewed me as one. I was welcomed into the fold. I had what I wanted within my grasp. I couldn’t imagine before all this, that being a girl would make me more acceptable than being a boy. I thought everything was going to be okay, because I had my friends and their support.

It all came crashing down as fast as it started. The incident with Taylor, then Ellie rejecting my apology. Being told I wasn’t needed on the squad because they had prepared a new routine without Ellie and me. I was trying to repair the damage to our friendship. I was begging for her to reconsider. Our friendship meant so much to me. I had hoped it still meant something to her. Our last conversation still rattles in my head before I tried to take my life.

“… You’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

Her response.

“And we know how well you treat your own sister, don’t we.”

At that moment all I wanted was the pain to end. My life to end.

“I heard you’re awake.” a familiar voice in my room shakes me from my reverie. I look up, and my heart starts to race. Ellie looks at me her eyes downcast clutching a white teddy bear. The wound in my heart had not completely healed. I wanted to tell her to leave. Whatever she had to say, I wasn’t going to entertain. I couldn't listen to it, but for some reason, I didn’t ask her to leave.

”I tried to visit a few times, While you were…” She couldn’t look at me. I kept my eyes fixed on her, trying desperately to keep my emotions in check. “I… I wanted to say, ‘I’m sorry.' What I said to you wasn’t fair. I saw you hanging there on the swing while Marcus and the others were trying to get you down. I had never been so scared in my life. It’s was my fault. It could have been so much worse. I can’t get the image out of my head of you hanging from the chain and of the paramedics trying to get you to breathe. I had never been that scared in my whole life. It had only been a month since I watch paramedics do the same to Amber.” She approaches my bedside. Tears are already streaming down her face.

I couldn’t say anything; my heart ached too much. I could feel Ellie's anguish pouring into my heart. I couldn’t stop it. My heart was already full of my own anguish. All I could do was try to hold everything inside. It filled and churned inside me.

“The last thing, I said to you? About Amber? I’m sorry that I said that. I’m sorry that it drove you… I’m sorry.”

I close my eyes. I still felt the wound from what Ellie had said to me. How she was the last of my friends to abandon me. Taylor was taken from me but Ellie, her parting words were to me, as Shakespeare put it, ‘the most unkindest cut of all.’

We sat there in silence, Ellie, waiting for me to say something. Ellie was the first to reach out to me when I first joined the squad. She was the one that I had leaned on to help me through my loneliness. She was my sister or as close as anyone could be aside from Amber. And just like I needed Amber to forgive me. Ellie needed the same from me. I’m trying to say something. Ellie is hanging on every gesture. Every attempt to speak. I stop myself.

Why was this so hard? All I had to do is grant Ellie the same mercy that I asked of Amber. Forgiveness.

All I need to do was say the words. “I forgive you, please be my sister again.” I couldn’t.

I wished for Amber, to forgive me for my negligence. Blowing an air horn was a thoughtless prank. What Ellie said to me, was intended to hurt me. She wanted to hurt me. It was malicious. She knew how cruel it would sound to me. That didn’t stop her. Still, I wanted her back in my life, for us to be close again. The wound was too deep. She used my sister to hurt me.

Was this my first test as Erin? I was struggling to get past my declaration to myself. I had rejected Aaron and what he represented, my past, my loneliness, my isolation. Did my rejection of Aaron begin even before that?

Through the emotional rollercoaster that occurred on that day, Ellie was my rock. She saw Erin—she must have. She saw Erin in her very own bedroom mirror, how different I was—even for the briefest of moments. Ellie was the first. She tried to keep me steady. She comforted me after the incident with Taylor. Why couldn’t I just forgive her?

If she was the first to see me as Erin, she was the first to hurt me as Erin too. She knew just how to do it.

Ellie dries her eyes and approaches closer. She tucks the teddybear close to me. I’m trying to hold back tears. I wanted to stay mad. Being mad at her kept me from feeling sad for myself. It was what Aaron always did, deflect. It was easier to push everyone away and keep them at 'arms length.' Nobody couldn’t hurt him if they couldn’t get close.

I had let Ellie in. As close to me as Amber—closer perhaps. I can see it on Ellie’s face that she wants me to say something, do something that lets her know that she is still welcome in my life, Erin’s life. As much as I want to repel her, I wanted her close. I yearned for what made us sisters. My mind could not get past her rejection of our friendship and her hurtful words. My heart could only fixate on our bond as sisters. There was no way to tell which would win out.

I have to say something. I wanted to hug Ellie. She wanted so much but could I only give her so little. She sees my body contract as I can’t keep myself from crying. She moves in to hug me. I pull away from her. She tries again and again I recoil. I see her eyes widen at my hesitance, much like Amber’s did earlier. She lets out a small wail as she turns and rushes out the door.

If how I treated Ellie was my first test as Erin. I just failed. I couldn’t, my mind struggled and won out over my heart. I could feel the guilt of it all work through me. The turmoil inside me is churning, threatening to destroy me from the inside out. I hugged the teddybear, pulling it tight into me. My tears are dripping on its head. The thoughts still swimming in my head of what I had just done to Ellie. How could Amber forgive me if I couldn’t even forgive Ellie? Was I destined to the same traps that Aaron had fallen?

I’ve pushed away those that were closest to me. Amber, now Ellie. In only a matter of hours, I had begun to isolate myself again. Like Aaron did. I hated myself for doing that. My heart was screaming at my head for not obeying. Why should my head follow? All my heart ever did to me was bring me more pain. My heart wanted to be part of the squad… pain. My heart wanted me to have friends… pain. My heart wanted me to tell Amber the truth… more pain.

The nurse checks on me, all I can do is hug the teddybear and sob. She has a worried look on her face. I don’t care. I just want all the pain to go away. Why is it so hard to break from the past? With every moment I sink deeper into my sadness. I needed to get a hold of myself. I look down at the tear soaked teddybear. I think of what I just did to Ellie. How I made her feel. I fell sick; my stomach turns and torques. I wretch my insides out atop my new bear. The nurse rushes over to bring something to catch the bile that lurches up my throat again.

I wail as the nurse try to settle me down.