“You look fine. Leave the hem of the skirt alone.” Ellie placed her hand on my bare arm.

“It’s really short.” I say as I fidget with the fringes of my pleated skirt while trying to keep in stride with her on the walk to school.

I’m tugging at the stiff pleated fabric which ends about four inches above my knees. It doesn’t matter where it ends because it flares out away from my legs. It’s not getting any longer. Pulling the skirt downward only exposes a small portion of skin under the shell and above the waist of the skirt. The ends barely grazed my thighs as I walk.

We spent yesterday afternoon at the salon owned by Lisa’s aunt, Rhonda Cramer. It was mainly to ‘add length’ to my hair and ‘clean-up’ my eyebrows. I spent the night at Ellie’s, my folks knew her parents weren’t home, but they trusted Ellie’s sister, Bethany. There were enough sleepovers with Ellie and Amber for my folks to develop enough trust in Beth. Yet, I was surprised that mom and dad would let me stay over at Ellie’s. I guess it gave them the night to catch up on the upkeep of the house, or maybe even a night to relax.

The evening was pretty uneventful. I would have loved to say that we ended the evening with a slumber party like Amber, Ellie and the rest of the girls had on several occasions over the summer. It did not, Lisa, Ellie and I were too depressed over Coach T’s passing. I was too tired to do anything but sleep. I fell asleep on the pullout sofa in Ellie’s living room. Beth didn’t think it was a good idea for me to sleep in the same room with Ellie. We had gone straight to Mrs. Cramer’s shop after school. It wasn’t until we reached Ellie’s home in the evening that I realized I had no change of clothes. Apparently, my folks didn’t realize that small detail either when I asked for permission. I slept in my jeans and t-shirt.

I woke up this morning with my new hair draped over my face. I picked my head off the pillow and the hair cascaded down past my shoulders, some strands poke into my shoulders through my t-shirt. I was already regretting the extensions. I really didn’t think this through. I realize now why girls tie their hair back. Tendrils of hair caress my cheek.

I drag myself out of bed and made breakfast for the three of us, I thought it was the least I could do. I have this habit of humming to myself as I make breakfast. I blame mom, she always hums when she’s cooking. Beth was the first one up. I didn’t notice her there until I plate the eggs. A small grin was on her face. “Don’t tell her I said this, but you look like Ellie.” I looked at her puzzled, then shrug my shoulders and smile back. She walked over to the fridge grabs the pitcher of orange juice and three juice glasses from the cupboard. Ellie joined us. Ellie was almost sleepwalking and barely awake. She walked over to Beth who had already poured two of the three glasses of juice. Ellie wrapped Beth in a hug and grabbed a glass of juice. She took a seat then placed her head on the table and resumed her slumber. Beth and I started to giggle.

“Not a morning person I take it.” I said to Beth.

After breakfast, I had to go through what the girls referred to as their ‘morning routine.' Shower, shave-everything, moisturize… I think I’m leaving out a few steps, it went by so fast. Before I knew it, I was dressed in Amber’s uniform with a few additions ‘loaned-permanently’ from Ellie (which she had outgrown) to fill it ‘out’ and hide a few things that girls don’t have.

Bethany started with applying makeup on my face while Ellie got ready for school. All the complexed brush strokes and color choices left me wondering, ‘how do girls know what to do?’ When Bethany was done, she went to her room to get herself ready.

Ellie has one of those tall mirrors that Amber has in her bedroom. Peering at the mirror, I saw the benefit of such a large mirror. From shoes to hair you could see everything at once. I used the mirror to take a peek at what I looked like before Ellie came down the hall after she showered, dressed, and applied her makeup.

I felt naked. I felt exposed. While I was confident that the briefs and the panties underneath, would hold everything in place, I couldn’t shake this feeling inside me. The emotion that was welling within me was feel a feeling of… trepidation? No, something slightly different. Like striking my last match in the open air and wanting so desperately to protect the small glowing flame from being extinguished. I can’t explain it any better, but I do know, that the feeling inside me was more intense than anything I had ever experienced before.

My thoughts then turn to Amber. I was in a trance when Ellie walked into her room to find me. Ellie senses it somehow. It’s written on her face and is reflected in the mirror, but she doesn’t say a word.

Beth wanted to drive us, but Ellie thought it would calm my nerves if we walked to school instead. We left Bethany behind, as she cleaned up.

Ellie swipes my hand away from my skirt. “Just relax, you’ll be fine.”

Much like the skirt, the shell is fairly stiff as well, but since it’s sleeveless, I don’t have to worry too much about it restricting my arms. The sports bra is a new sensation; It's heavier, tighter than the t-shirts I'm normally wearing. The backpack presses the shoulders of the shell into the straps of the sports bra. I feel it making an impression on my skin. The gel pads have warmed up, and I hardly notice them except that they protrude from my chest. My ‘breasts’ are small and barely making the letters on my shell peak.

Though fall is a week away, the ‘autumn’ chill has set in. It is still, but it wraps my arms and legs and numbs them. The shell and extra hair does keep my head and chest warm. I’m wondering if it is my newly hairless legs or the fact that I’m not wearing pants that make me more sensitive to the cold. The cold bites at the inner quarter of my knees.

Walking to school, I could feel the ponytail pendulum back and forth as I walk side by side with Ellie. The giant bow atop my head matches the white shell and skirt. Purple and yellow stripes trim the fringes of the skirt and shell. The lettering on my chest reads BVHS. Bay View High School.

“Did Gail really have to glue the extensions into my hair?” I worried about my hair and how to explain it to my folks and Amber. Lisa’s cousin, Gail, was learning some new techniques for applying hair extensions. Gail’s mother thought it a wonderful opportunity to show her daughter the technique and give me a full head of brown hair that ended between my shoulder blades.

“Probably not, but at least Lisa’s Aunt didn’t charge for it. Besides, it’s not as heavy as the crimped extensions. This just seems more natural than the ones that are tied in place. Lisa’s cousin did an amazing job on your hair, though. Mixing a bit of blonde to add highlight really makes you stand out.”

“I’m not used to this much hair. A wig would have worked too…”

“Gail’s Mom thought Gail needed the practice. You needed hair, and besides, where would we get the money for a wig?”

“I guess.” I start to frown.

Ellie slaps her hand to her mouth trying to contain her giggle.

“What’s wrong? What are you laughing about?”

“You just did Amber’s pout.”

“What?”

“You know, the ‘Amber’ pout.” Ellie presses her lips together forming a duck’s bill and drags the corners of her mouth downward.

I shut my eyes and shake my head. Trying to keep from laughing. It doesn’t work. We’re both giggling away as she wraps her arm around my neck, her body pressing against my side to steady herself. When I laugh, I can feel the layer make up on my face, especially on my cheeks and my eyelids. The mascara makes my lashes feel heavy. The lashes are in my sight line even though they’re curled upwards. There’s also some tension on my eyelids when I blink. I’m starting to get used to the lipgloss. My lips get chapped in the morning, and the lipgloss keeps my lips from itching.

“Hey, how do the tennis shoes feel? I never got a chance to break them in. My feet grew a bit faster than I expected.”

“They’re a little loose. I think I’ll manage. The socks are kind of thin.”

“Really? I never noticed.”

“Yeah, my socks much thicker than these.” I lament.

“Funny…” Ellie says with a smile.

“What?”

“Well, you’re wearing a cheerleaders’ uniform and you're concerned about your socks. I thought, if anything, you’d have an issue with the sports bra, breast enhancers, or the briefs.” She must have been reading my mind.

“Well, the shell keeps those covered, and they’re not that noticeable. Do women really wear these gel pads? It seems like, well it just seems…”

Ellie notices me fumbling for the words. “I get it. But, sometimes we need a bit of help to fill out, I can remember when I first got my bra. My breasts barely showed. Amber’s aren’t that much bigger either. We all use a padded bra or something to… Well, make us more… Anyway, you’ll get used to it over time.”

“This is just for today. I think I can manage that.”

“What about Friday’s game? Don't you want to be out there with us? You know the routines already. Besides, Monica hasn’t had a chance to re-choreograph new routines.”

“I don’t know, you’ve all worked so hard, and this may be your only chance to perform for the rest of the year. I don’t want to mess it up for all of you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Coach Reed was really impressed by how quickly you picked up the routine. She thought you’d actually be a wonderful cheerleader. That reminds me…”

“Wait, what?”

Ellie continues…“Coach Reed, she’s not really a teacher here, she just volunteers. If they don’t hire a new coach soon. There’s no reason for her to continue to train us on the acrobatics.”

“I’m sure, they’ll find someone.” I’m wondering what would happen to the squad if they didn’t.

“Feeling better now?” Ellie asks. “I was a bit worried about how you were feeling.”

“Feeling?” I’m a bit distracted.

“Yes, this morning, I caught a glimpse of you staring into the mirror. You had the uniform on, you seemed happy at first, then your mood just… You just became sad. Is it Coach T?”

“Amber. It should be her in this uniform and not me. She should be out at the game on Friday. She should be with all of you.” I pause while Ellie looks at me intently as we continue in lock step. I take a breath. “Before I looked at the mirror. I thought I would look hideous.” I stop in mid-stride and turn to Ellie, who stops and faces me. “Instead, I saw a reflection my sister in the mirror; just as pretty as always. When I smiled, she smiled. There was a ‘happiness’ that filled me and overwhelmed me. Then, I realized that it wasn’t Amber in the mirror.” I feel the dark clouds form over me.

I continue growing ever more distraught, “I took this moment away from her. This should have been her moment. It should have been her staring into that mirror, not me. All of her hard work to tryout for the squad? The nerves and anticipation of waiting to hear whether she made the squad? The elation of being part of it? The summer of practice, only to have ME cut it short?” I begin to speak at a rapid pace, “She missed out on the exhilaration of being handed her uniform for the first time, then seeing herself as I am right now. That moment of seeing herself in her new uniform? That rush of joy I felt over how I looked in it?” I feel my heart fall, “Instead, she's laying in a hospital bed. Alone. Sleeping off some the pain meds. She almost died. It was ‘I’ did that to her. I’m a monster. No wonder she hates me.”

Ellie pulls me into a hug. I’m shaking bitterly at what I have done to my sister. I was the worst person in the world. To know what I had taken from her; I had to put myself in her place. I felt ravaged at the experience that I denied her. This is the hurt inside her…The hurt that I caused.

I feel sick. I feel revulsion at myself, the guy who robbed Amber of a source of light and joy. For what? A quick laugh? All Amber wanted to do was something she loved with people she cared about. Something she was proud to be a part of. Something I had been too blind to see.

Ellie tries to calm me, “You're not a monster, you made a mistake. While you CAN just stand there and feel guilty about it, I think you want to do more. More than just beat yourself up. More than just let your guilt take over. You need to make it up to her—somehow.”

“I don’t know how. She won’t talk to me. She won’t even look at me.”

“You have to be there for her. You're her sister. She needs you. She needs you to be there for her, not for you to beat yourself up.” Ellie's voice calms me. Her tenderness and warm heart are an energy that makes me want to do better—for the squad and for Amber. I can see why Ellie and Amber are friends. There’s a bond that I feel toward Ellie, it’s that same connection that I felt for my own sister. Ellie was a sister to Amber and to me as well.

We approach the school, I’m starting to get more nervous. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Don’t worry you look fine. Better than fine. Cute even. Besides, you’ve got us remember? Me, Lisa…”

“I just don’t know…”

“There’s Lisa now!” Ellie wave over Lisa, who has a wide grin on her face.

“Oh my god! Aaron! You look amazing! You two could almost be twins.” Lisa walks between Ellie and me, bends to give us a ‘double hug’ and lets go of us.

Ellie looks at me “see? I told you, you look fine.” I nervously clutch the strap on my backpack. “Aaron’s a bit nervous.”

“Lisa! A voice calls out. It’s so great to see you back in uniform.” Monica pulls her into a hug. She releases Lisa, looks at me, “Ellie, have you seen the rest of the squad?”

Ellie turns to face her. “Not yet, Mon.”

Monica looks over at Ellie then me, confused. “Who’s this?” Giving me a questioning look.

“That’s Aaron, he’s standing in for Amber.”

Monica stares at me for a moment. “Aaron? She can’t be Aaron.” I’m as red as a sun dried tomato. “You’re joking.”

“It’s no joke,” I say, nervously.

She stalks around me like a tiger eyeing dinner. “It is you, isn’t it? How?”

“Lisa and Ellie’s idea.”

“Oh and I’m sure you put up a big fight, too.” Her sarcasm is blindingly apparent as she grins at me. “Looking like that, you’d give Ellie a run for her money. Lisa, Ellie, can I speak with Aaron for a second, in private?”

They give me a pensive look. “It’ll be fine, really,” I say to the pair and walk off with Monica.

We’re out of earshot of the two before she begins to speak. “What gives? Is this another prank of yours? Coach T…”

“Meant a lot to all of you. I know, I’m not trying to…” I say sadly.

“You only knew her for 3 weeks. If you are doing this out of guilt or worse spite, you may as well turn around and go home.” Her tone becoming more accusatory.

“Look, perhaps this is an odd way of showing it but, I was starting to feel like part of something. Special… Then after yesterday, when you pulled me into group… I felt… I can’t put it into words. I just… I… Forget it.” the pain in my voice is hard to control. I start to turn to head home. “This was a bad idea…” I say sadly as I'm on the edge of tears.

She grabs my wrist. She draws in a quick deep breath, “No, it’s a lovely gesture. Please stay. I think Coach T would have wanted her girls to stick together. As a team.”

I turn back towards her and walk into give her a hug. She’s shocked at my reaction, wrapping her arms around me. I sob and whisper “thank you.” I feel her head press into mine. She releases me, and I take a step back. She reaches into her purse for some tissue. She dabs my eyes. I try to force a smile. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay… Are ready to go back to the girls?” She lifts her gaze beyond me, and I turn to see seven girls in their uniforms break from their conversations to look over at Monica and me. Monica leads the way. I trail behind her walking over towards the squad.

“Girls, though Amber can’t be here with us to honor Coach T. Aaron here, was brave enough to stand in for her.” I see their smiling faces. My heart starts to flutter.

We walk into the school together, the squad with an uncertain future, mourning a Coach who meant so much to all of them… Us.