The Squad Chapter 12

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The Squad: Chapter 12


by
Leila


The nurse entered the restroom. She pushes her way to reach me. Ellie looks on trying to keep me from breaking down again. My brief moment of calm evaporated when I realize how small I feel. The onlookers tower over me, pitying my diminutive frame crumpled on the ground. He didn’t mean to, I rationalize, but Taylor made me feel helpless, afraid. I couldn’t shake that feeling even though I knew he didn’t deserve the abuse from Monica. I hated myself for being so fragile.

The nurse coaxes the growing crowd out the door before turning her attention to me. “What’s your name young lady?” the nurse cooed softly to me. Ellie won’t leave my side.

“Aaron, Aaron Stewart.” I moan softly, I’m on the edge of tears again. I’m hugging my knees to my chest. The drumbeat of my heart still rattling. I feel my bottom resting on the cold floor, my skirt fans out around me. When I realize I’m exposed, I start to tug at my skirt. Casey drapes her jacket on my knees. The jacket is long enough to keep me covered. Casey then helps usher the rest of the girls out of the restroom.

“Okay, Aaron, honey, are you hurt anywhere?” The nurse is so gentle with me. I feel like I’m made of glass.

I shake my head, “no.”

She raises her hand to touch my shoulder, I flinch immediately. She recoils, “It’s okay sweetheart. I won’t touch you without asking okay?”

My pulse crests then ebbs.

“Excuse me, dear” the nurse politely murmurs to Ellie. Ellie stands to give the nurse room to work on me. Ellie looks on at me as a mother looks on at her distressed child.

The nurse carefully examines me and my clothing making sure to let me know where she would touch me. When she is satisfied with her initial assessment of me. She asks me to return with her to the nurse’s office. I didn’t even notice the bell which signals the end of lunch had sounded. The hallways were empty, and I was grateful for that. Ellie retrieves my backpack and walks side by side with me as the nurse trailed behind us. I’m uninjured but humiliated. What had started out as a wonderful day for me, now had me walking in shame to the nurse’s office.

During the whole ordeal, I was afraid, terrified even. Guys aren’t supposed to be this… vulnerable. Everyone saw it. Me, dressed as a cheerleader, sobbing, after being pulled into the boy’s bathroom, then running out like a scared little girl, in a panic.

The nurse escorts me into the examination room. Ellie follows silently in behind us. The nurse leaves us in the room and closes the door.

“Are you alright now?” Her voice is soft as a feather. Ellie's eyes are wide, and her lips are pursed, trying to mask her worry to keep me calm. She’s really concerned about me.

Embarrassed, I breathe out. “Taylor kind of caught me off guard.”

That surprises Ellie. “You know that guy?”

“Yes, and if I listened to him in the first place, I probably wouldn’t have been in this mess, to begin with.” I take a seat at the examination table. I hear the crinkle of the paper below me, and I cross my legs instinctively.

“What do you mean?”, her curiosity grows.

“He was there when I pulled the prank,” I say with a sigh.

“And he left you to take all the blame?”

“No, He actually tried to talk me out of it.”

Ellie’s brows knit together. “What?”

“Taylor and I have been friends since elementary. We used to pull these pranks together. It kept the bullies off of us. When we got to high school, he thought we didn’t need to pull pranks anymore. He didn’t know about the prank until I pulled the air horn out of my backpack. He then tried to talk me out of it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, why would pulling pranks keep you from being bullied?”

“Because people don’t bully the ones that made everyone else laugh. We deflected attention away from us to others. Our targets were the ones that were bullied and not us.”

“That’s pretty mean.” I can see Ellie’s disdain growing.

“Well, Taylor didn’t think it was a good idea anymore, and I thought it would be one last prank.”

“Wait! I was on top of the other pyramid. That could have been me that was hurt, not Amber. If I got hurt, then what? You didn’t know me… I could have been laying there on the ground, hurt, in a coma, fighting for my life, my folks wondering if I would survive. Was that what you wanted? Was that what your prank could have done to me?”

“I’m sorry, I really wish I listened to Taylor. Ellie, we’re friends now. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.” I slide off the table and reach out to her, and she recoils. A chill runs through me.

“I… this is a lot to think about. I mean, you did that to Amber, after your friend told you not to? You went ahead and pulled the prank anyway? How could you?”

“Ellie, please… I’m so sorry... It just got out of hand.”

“And what about me, I was nothing to you at the time! If I was hurt… I… I can’t be in here with you right now.”

“Ellie, please don’t go!” I’m feeling our friendship start to grow dim. In desperation, I beg of her, “Ellie? Please don’t be mad at me. I… I can’t have you and Amber mad at me. I’m so sorry!”

Ellie angrily turns from me and stomps to the door opening it.

“Ellie? Don’t leave me alone, please?”

Ellie pauses at the doorway. She grabs the knob on the door pulling it closed behind her.

I’m too numb to cry. Ellie was my lifeline. The one that gave me a chance to be her friend even when the rest of the squad spurned me. Ellie had every right to be angry with me. Only their arrangement kept her from Amber’s fate. If Ellie were on the left and Amber on the right, it would have been Ellie that was hurt and not Amber. Ellie was as much of a sister to me as Amber. I’ve hurt them both. I damaged the bond I had with each of them. I had no idea how to fix it.

Taylor was the more pressing problem. No doubt that he’s being grilled by Dr. Corning at the moment. This is another mess that I’ve created. I can’t let this go any farther. A knock on the door. It’s the nurse. “Is everything alright? I just saw the young lady you were with running away in tears.”

“It's all my fault. Everything is my fault.” I murmur, “I need to speak with Dr. Corning about Taylor Brown.”

“The boy that assaulted you? Whatever for? They called his parents, and they are questioning him as we speak.”

I run for the door in a full sprint in the direction of Dr. Corning’s office. The nurse trails behind, her heels clip-clop on the linoleum floor behind me. I’m wearing tennis shoes and can manage a much faster speed. I dash past the front counter taking everyone by surprise. I stop short of crashing into Dr. Corning’s door and start knocking in rapid succession.

An exasperated “yes?” comes through the door. I enter, Taylor is in my chair. Dr. Corning looks annoyed. “Miss Stewart, you should be in the nurse’s office.” I turn to look over at Taylor, he has the look of a confused puppy.

I slowly regain my breath and compose myself. Dr. Corning looks at me patiently annoyed. “I’m sorry Dr. Corning, but there has been a misunderstanding.”

“Miss Stewart, you will have your opportunity to speak after I have had my opportunity to…

“This is really important Dr. Corning. Please hear me out.”

“Mr. Brown?” Dr. Corning gazes sternly at him.

“Yes, Dr. Corning.” Taylor response in a somber tone.

“I have a feeling that Miss Stewart is about to intercede on your behalf. Would you excuse us for a moment?”

Taylor stands and faces me. “Aaron, What’s going on? Why is Dr. Corning referring to you as a girl? Why…”

“Taylor,” I say softly, looking at him with doe eyes. “please let me try to clear this up with Dr. Corning. Please?” I start to rub his arm. I immediately pull my hand back when I realize what I had just done. Taylor doesn’t know what to do. He looks over at Dr. Corning whose eyes are about as wide as Taylor’s.

“Mr. Brown, please excuse us.”

He looks over at me. “Aaron, I can defend myself. I don’t need…” I bring my hand to his mouth to signal for his silence.

“Please, let me have a chance to make this right?”

He again looks over at Dr. Corning. The confused puppy look reemerges on his face, “Looks like I’m outnumbered. Excuse me Dr. Corning, ‘Miss’ Stewart.” He walks hesitantly out the door. I close the door behind him.

“Now then, Miss Stewart, you had something to say?”

“Yes, Dr. Corning, Taylor was just looking out for me. He pulled me into the restroom because he didn’t know what was going on. He thought someone was forcing me to wear the uniform. He didn’t hurt me. He’s my friend, this was all just a mistake. You have to believe me. He’s not a bad guy, this is my fault for not telling him what was going on. He was reacting to all this, the only way he knew how. Please don’t do anything to him.”

“Young lady, I understand perfectly what has transpired. There is the matter that he pulled you into the restroom against your will. Detained you there and was observed physically assaulting you.”

“He was just trying to protect me.” I protest. “I’ve known him almost my whole life, he wouldn’t hurt me. I… I was just scared. I was caught off guard. He was trying to make me get a hold of myself. Please don’t do anything that would… I don’t want to see another person hurt because of my prank.” A knock on the door.

“Are you finished, Miss Stewart?”

I slightly nod my head.

“Come in.” Dr. Corning announces.

“Mr. Brown’s parents are here.”

“Thank you, Ms. Wilkes. If you will excuse us, Miss Stewart?”

“Please let me stay, I can’t help but feel responsible for what happened earlier. Taylor’s parents deserve to hear an explanation from me. It would be unfair to Taylor for his parents not to hear what I have to say.”

“This is highly unusual. I will speak with Mr. Brown’s parents alone. Now, if you will excuse us, Miss Stewart.”

“Please, I can’t have my friend’s future…”

“Miss Stewart, you are trying my patience, I am aware of the impact that this would have. You have had your opportunity to speak, out of turn, I may add. I suggest you join Mr. Brown outside while I speak with his parents.”

My resolve has left me. I lower my head and walk slowly out the door.

“Please show Mr. Brown’s parents in.”

I pass Taylor’s parents on the way out to the lobby. They don’t recognize me. I take a seat opposite Taylor in the lobby area.

Taylor looks up at me. “Can you please tell me what’s going on? What happened to you in the last month? You disappear after school, you’re almost never home. You practically dropped off the face of the earth then show up to school in a girl’s cheerleader uniform?”

“I dropped off the planet? Where were you? I was alone for the last month. You were gone. I tried calling you a dozen times. You just ignored me.”

“I was pissed, I told you not to do it! You didn’t want to listen to me. What else was I supposed to do? I figured, if I lay low, I wouldn’t be caught up in the mess YOU made.”

“I’m sorry, Taylor. You’re wrapped up in this ‘mess’ because of me. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I tried my best to explain what happened to Dr. Corning, I’m not sure what would happen now.”

“I’m being expelled.”

“What?”

“Zero tolerance. Dr. Corning is informing my parents that I’m to be transferred to another school in the District.”

“That’s so unfair!”

“At least they can’t file criminal charges because I’m a minor.”

“Criminal Charges? This has gotten way out of hand.”

“That’s life, ‘little girl.’ Dr. Corning grilled me and after the tongue lashing from the pissed off cheer bitch and her ogre. I’m probably not welcomed at this school after ‘assaulting’ the school’s newest cheerleader. Now, can you please tell me what you are doing in a girl’s cheerleader uniform?”

“I’m a cheerleader. Well, at least I was one.” I say sadly.

“Why do you have to be a girl cheerleader?”

“I’m not, I borrowed Amber’s uniform because we were trying to honor the death of Coach T. I don’t have a uniform of my own.”

“How did you go from almost killing your sister to replacing her?”

“My folks and the coaches, They came up with this punishment. They thought it would…”

“Make a ‘man’ out of you?”

“Taylor!” I throw an angry glare at him.

“I know, I know…” he says with a smile.

“Anyway, they thought I could do all the charity and fundraising on Amber’s behalf so she could stay on the squad while she recovered.”

“So, you’re not a girl? I mean, not trying to be a girl?”

“No,” I say, crossing my legs.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Taylor, this is just to honor Coach T.” I felt myself getting flushed.

“And the hair?”

“Oh, you like it?” I turn my head from side to side. “Gina, Lisa’s cousin, did a wonderful job with it. They’re extensions. Cute, don’t you think?”

I garner a puzzled look from Taylor. “Are you sure there isn’t more to this?”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know… You’ve been acting weird, even for you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m still me.” I say with a huff.

“You? Dr. Corning has repeatedly been calling you ‘Miss Stewart’, and you don’t bat an eyelash, you freak out about being in the boy’s bathroom, and in the principal’s office, you rubbed my arm. You’re even pouting like a girl. Are you even aware that you’re sitting like one?”

I look down, I uncross my legs and try to splay my legs open. I look up to a smirking Taylor. My modesty takes over, and my legs cross again.

“You can’t even sit like a guy for even a second, can you?”

“Well, It doesn’t feel right to do that wearing a skirt.”

“You feel right wearing the skirt, but not without crossing your legs?” He shakes his head. “Look, I’m not here to judge you. I don’t know any more of what’s going on with you than you do. You had better start asking yourself some serious questions. Your actions have consequences. You’ve already seen that in action. Heck, so far, everyone you know has been hurt by your little prank. Imagine what pretending to be a girl would do. I’m being expelled. What else could happen?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“You need, to be honest with yourself.”

“What does that even mean? Everyone from Dr. Corning to the girls on the cheer squad has asked me to ‘be honest with myself.’ What could I possibly be lying to myself about?”

“Mr. Brown, Dr. Corning would like to see you now.” Janice Wilkes interrupts.

Taylor looks over at Janice then to me, “I have to go face the music for my choices. It’s time for you to grow up and face what’s going on in your life. Goodbye, Miss Stewart.”

“Bye Taylor,” I say sadly.


After a few minutes. Taylor and his parents emerge from Dr. Corning’s office, they’re speaking cordially with each other.

Taylor’s expression is downcast. He walks over to me with his parents trailing behind. “Aaron?”

“Taylor, what happened?”

“I’m sorry I pulled you into the bathroom, I’m also sorry that I pinned you against the wall and made you scared.”

“Taylor? What’s going to happen to you?”

Mr. Brown interjects. “Aaron, under the circumstances I think it best that you have no further interaction with Taylor.”

“What? No, you can’t do that! That’s not fair. This was a misunderstanding. He was trying to…”

“Aaron, we understand what Taylor’s intentions were, and you don’t need to explain yourself. What Taylor did was wrong, despite his intentions. He’s apologizing and is asking for forgiveness.”

“Taylor’s been expelled hasn’t he?” I ask rhetorically. Their faces tell me all I need to know. “Oh god Taylor, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry for making you so worried about me. I didn’t think. Please forgive me?” I walk over to Taylor and pull him into a hug and start sobbing on his shoulder. He’s caught off guard. He doesn’t move.

“Aaron, we have to take Taylor home now.” Taylor’s dad says plainly.

I pull away from Taylor who has a bewildered look on him. Taylor’s mother puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a hug. “Aaron, sweetheart, you look very pretty in your uniform, and it’s sweet of you to apologize, but you have it all wrong. All of this is because of what Taylor did, and not because of who you are. You’re still welcome in our home, young lady. Okay? If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”

Even Taylor’s parents think I’m a girl? Has everyone gone nuts?


I’m told to take a seat in Dr. Corning’s office. At least my chair is warm.

Dr. Corning and Mrs. Yates enter the room. “Miss Stewart.” Dr. Corning begins. Mrs. Yates’ eyes go wide as she turns to Dr. Corning. “I want you to know that regardless of how you are dressed, it is not your fault. Okay? We do not tolerate that type of act upon our students.”

“Of course this is my fault!” I whine. “It’s all my fault. It’s my fault that Amber’s in the hospital! It was my stupid prank that got me into cheerleading. It was my fault that I’m in a cheerleader’s uniform!” With each exclamation, my voice raises an octave. “It was my fault for making Taylor worry about me! It was my fault for being so vulnerable to be pulled into the boy’s bathroom! It’s my fault that I’m crying like a girl!” Tears spill from my eyes. I let out a high-pitched yelp before breaking down again.

Dr. Corning rushes over to me, pulls me into her. I’m crying violently now. How can all of this be anything, but my fault! She’s rubbing my back trying to calm me. Each wail out of me pierces through me. I cry myself into exhaustion.

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s alright, sweetheart, It’s going to be alright.” Dr. Corning waits for me to calm down. I’m embarrassed at being so emotional. My lungs burn from my wailing, and my cheeks are raw. My makeup is all but washed off. A few more minutes go by as I pull another tissue from the box that rests on my lap. “Miss Stewart, are you feeling any better now?”

I nod my head.

“Young lady,” Dr. Corning addresses me. “I want you to listen very carefully to me. Can you do that?”

Again, I nod my head.

“You must not blame yourself for this. Okay? Mr. Brown should have had more respect for you as a student and as a young lady to abuse you in any way.”

“But…”

“No buts, Miss Stewart, you did nothing to deserve being treated that way.” Dr. Corning tries to reassure me. “Do you believe me?”

I nod my head.

Mrs. Yates turns to Dr. Corning. “Gloria, I’d like to speak with Miss Stewart alone for a few minutes?”

“Of course, I’ll be right outside.” Dr. Corning walks towards the doorway and pulls the door gingerly closed. The door shuts with a muffled thud.

“First off, Aaron, May I call you Aaron or is there another name you prefer?”

“Aaron is fine,” I say, my fingers running along the perforated opening of the tissue box.

“Aaron, I want you to know that whatever you tell me is strictly between you and me. Unless I have reason to believe that you may harm yourself or others, I cannot share what is said here with anyone else, not your parents, your teachers, or Dr. Corning. Is that alright?” her voice is soft and nurturing.

“Okay.”

“To be honest, I was a bit surprised when Dr. Corning said your name. You looked like a completely different person from the young man I met yesterday.”

“I’m curious, How do you feel when she refers to you as a female? Does that bother you to be referred to as a female?”

“Well, no. I’m sure people are reacting to how I look.”

“Do you like how you look?”

“I’m just glad I don’t look like a boy in a dress.”

“You certainly don’t. I love what you did with your hair. Extensions?”

“Oh yes, Lisa’s cousin Gina did a wonderful job on it. It's so pretty, isn’t it? I thought we should have gone with a wig, but I was wrong, this looks really natural. Don’t you think?”

“Yes, You look lovely in a cheer uniform.”

I feel the corners of my mouth edge slightly upward.

“Is that your uniform?” Her question posed ever so gently.

“No, I borrowed Amber's.”

“I see, have you ever borrowed any other clothing from Amber?”

I shake my head, “No.”

“How do you feel about wearing it?

“I don’t know, sad I guess. Amber really should be the one wearing this, it’s her uniform after all.”

“May I ask, why you are wearing it?”

“The girls and I thought it would be a nice tribute to Coach T, for us to wear the uniform to school.”

“You don’t have a uniform of your own?”

“No, I only recently joined the squad, after Amber was hurt.”

“I see, we’ll touch on that in a bit. Do you like how you look wearing the uniform?”

“At first it felt… I kind of felt naked wearing it. I mean, it shows so much skin.” I cross my legs, and the tissue box falls and smacks the floor. I close my eyes, shake my head, uncross my legs, then reach down to pick up the tissue box and lay it on Dr. Corning’s Desk. “Sorry.”

“How did you feel as the day wore on?”

“It took some time to get used to it, Ellie had to tell me to stop pulling at the hem of my skirt a few times on the walk to school.”

“I have to commend you for being brave enough to come to school wearing a girl’s cheer uniform to honor Coach T. Aside from the incident with Taylor this afternoon. How have you been treated?”

“People have treated me differently all day. I thought I’d be seen as a weirdo. Some guy in a cheerleader outfit. But it’s been different.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“On one hand, people have been friendlier to me than they ever have. A few complimented me on how pretty I was in my uniform.” I can’t stop the grin on my face. “On the other hand,” I feel my smile begin to wilt. “I'm not used to this much attention. The incident in the bathroom with Taylor showed me how vulnerable I was. All I could think about at the moment was how afraid I was.” I feel the anxiety building within me. I cross my arms over my chest, and my knees are squeezing together. “When I was pulled into the bathroom, it wasn’t Taylor that pulled me in there. I mean it was Taylor, but to me?” I cringe. “It was some guy that pulled me into a place where…” I hug myself tighter. “I wouldn’t be able to stop him…” I look up feeling distraught. “Do you know what that’s like?”

“For someone in your position…”

“My position? This entire day, people have treated me like a girl, as if it as the most natural thing in the world. People had been asking me to be honest with myself. Asking if this is who I really am. Some were even happy that I was no longer ‘hiding.’ I don’t know what to make of it. What I do know is that I…”

I start to recall how I felt when Taylor grabbed me, The shock of being pulled against my will. The fear of the unknown consequences of donning a girl’s uniform, in concert with feeling so naked. Then to have Taylor pin me against the wall and not knowing what would happen next. That nobody was there to stop him. “I don’t want to be that vulnerable. I don’t want to be that helpless. I don’t ever want to be that scared!” I cover my face with my hand hanging my head, sobbing. I quietly utter, “This has been the best and worst day of my life.”

Mrs. Yates gives me a moment to calm down.

“Aaron, you’ve been through a lot. Not just today but at least the last month. You’re in a new school, your sister was injured, and you feel responsible. You were forced on to the squad and then was removed. Your coach passed away, and you were assaulted on your first day at school dressed as a young lady. That’s a lot for anyone to handle. You are under a lot of stress. That stress is something that will continue to build unless you find a way to manage it.”

“How would I do that?”

“You could work with a counselor, someone you feel comfortable speaking with.”

“Aren’t you the counselor?”

“Well yes and no. I’m only contracted with the district on an as-needed basis. There isn’t enough money to staff a counselor full time for the district let alone each school.”

“Oh, I don’t think my parents can afford a therapist. We’re barely making ends meet as it is.”

“How about this? I’ll give you my card, and you can have your parents call me, maybe we can work something out. In the meantime, I’m contracted for the next week, so we can meet either during lunch or after school if you would like.” She hands me one of her cards. Then I realize the uniform doesn’t have any pockets.

“I’d like that.” I sheepishly accept the card.

“I have to ask, do you intend to continue dressing as a young woman?”

“No, it was just supposed to be for today.”

There is a soft knock on the door. Dr. Corning peeks her head in. “How are things going in here?”

Mrs. Yates walks over to Dr. Corning, “Gloria, may I speak with you for a moment?”

“Of course, Teresa.”

“Oh, Miss Stewart? I believe you left this in the Nurse’s office.” Dr. Corning holds out my backpack which I accept happily.

I place the card in the backpack pouch. “I have to use the restroom, may I?”

“You may use the restroom by the nurse’s office, but return here afterward.” Dr. Corning says to me, looking at the clock on her wall.

I use the commode which is definitely cleaner than the ones in the ladies room. Sitting just to pee is kind of odd for me, but it’s better than splashing my bare legs.

I walk over to the mirror. My makeup is a mess. That irks me for some reason. I grab a paper towel from the dispenser and wet it at the sink. I dab the areas under my eyes, where dark streaks from my tears had dried. I gently dab at my cheeks as well. My lips are a mess. I walk over to my backpack and retrieve the lipgloss. I walk over to the mirror and smooth a coat of the lacquer on my lips as I hear a knock on the door.

“Aaron?” Dr. Corning peeks her head in. She spies me at the mirror. She watches me as if studying me, She waits for me to finish. I close the tube of lipgloss and turn around and give her a slightly embarrassed smile.

“Sorry, Dr. Corning. I was just…” I cast my eyes downward. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“Nonsense, Miss Stewart, you don’t have to apologize… It’s perfectly natural for a young lady to want to make herself presentable. Now, please follow me to my office will you? I’d like to continue our conversation.”

I walk with Dr. Corning to her office. Mrs. Yates is already there. Dr. Corning takes a seat at her desk, and I take my seat this time remembering to tuck my skirt under me and cross my legs with my fingers laced over my knee. I take a deep breath. “Okay.”

I’m not sure what was said. They asked me questions, and I answered. I kept thinking about all the people that my prank had hurt. I needed to make it up to them, I just didn’t know how. I thought going to the field to watch practice would help clear my head.

I found the field empty. I had forgotten that there was no coach to supervise the practice and give access to the locker rooms.

I started the day surrounded by the girls on the squad. I felt like I was one of them, part of a team. They had accepted me into their fold. Defended me, rallied around me when I was assaulted. I felt the bond with them grow and the pain of watching Ellie's anguish from her realization of what might have happened to her from my actions.

I needed to repair the chasm between Amber and me. I needed bridge the gulf growing between Ellie and me. I needed my sisters. I have not returned their kindness. Perhaps, it took losing the people close to me to realize how important they are to me. They had been so selfless towards me. Taylor risked his future in trying to help me. Ellie risked the ire of the squad in reaching out to me. Monica risked the respect of the squad by welcoming me in. I’ve done nothing to be worthy of their kindness. It's time I changed that.

At day’s end, I’m looking out on an empty field. Is this what the future holds without a coach? Is there still a squad? I need them so much. Sadly, I leave the field and start my long walk home. Alone.


Author's note: I hope you all don't mind the early and longer chapter. I knew I didn't have web access on Monday to upload this chapter, so I posted it early. I'll resume the Monday posting schedule with Chapter 13. Thank you all for reading, commenting, and encouraging this story along.

Special thanks to those that PM'd me with their input on how to improve this story. I love you all for taking an interest and helping to make me become a better writer!

Hugs!
Leila

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Comments

Wow Hon........

D. Eden's picture

I mean just wow.

This was a very emotional chapter, and yes, I cried through a lot of it.

This story has gotten better and better with each new chapter. I can't wait to see more!

D.

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

actually

You can post them as much as you want. If you post 13 on this tuesday or even today I wouldn't mind at all.

Good story.

Best Chapter Yet!

Ravens_Woe's picture

This chapter has been (in my opinion) the best one yet. Every chapter has been better then the last and leaving me with more question. Such as will Ellie forgive Aaron? What will Aaron's parents and sister think. I can't wait to find out!

Eagerly Raven

oh no...

This has been such a tear jerker... and then to top it off add Taylor to the casualty list.
This was one of those chapters you knew was going to hurt, you just didn't know how bad
it was going to be.. I think this hit all the boxes..

Make them cry [ x ]
Make them cry more [ x ]
Make them cry a lot more [ x ]
Make them sad [ x ]
Make them cry even more [ x ]

Yup... I def need a new tissue box. sigh poor Aaron, those hits just keep coming...
Such a wonderfully written story, I can't imagine what comes next, I know Aaron will
probably be Erin soon, past that wow.... darts at a chalkboard.

Sara

Not sure ...

It is plain that Aaron will be living as a girl. With all the stress and painful incidents it is not surprising that he is having a psychological break. Still, I hope they don't rush into getting him on drugs and getting a lesbian psychologist to suggest that he should be living as a girl. That is exactly what happened to me, and it completely blew the lid off my life, completely. Now days, I live as a woman because I am a woman. Would rather had more of a choice though.

After 12 + years I have come to peace with it, but it never would have been my first choice.

Poor kid.

Gwen

How is it that Ellie just

How is it that Ellie just realized that she was just as vulnerable as Amber when Aaron blew the horn when she was up there with her? She is either an airhead or so focused on herself that all else is irrelevant.... I am leaning towards focused on herself. She knew he blew the horn and caused the accident- she knew that days ago! But until now she didn't realize she was up there too?

Edit: Something smells rotten with her. She has been Aaron's biggest supporter and pushing him towards femininity but when it is turning out that everyone accepts him she has her little breakdown? I am not entirely buying her friendliness now. It smells too fishy, as if she wanted revenge and humiliation.

And the poor boy is getting nothing but crap from everyone, every person he has come into contact with has an agenda and it seems that nobody cares one bit about Aaron, only how it affects them. I guess the only one who is being genuine is Lisa but that could be living vicariously through Aaron.

I'm told STFU more times in a day than most people get told in a lifetime

But they're just kids

I didn't know myself very well at that age. I wouldn't think these middle teens would either. At least they are trying to do right by each other, even if it isn't working well. When I read about HS age kids stabbing and killing each other today, I'm glad that didn't occur in my school.

Ellie

Ellie only wanted Aaron to wear the shell and white pants. Lisa was the one who introduced the 'you should be natural' concept and thought Aaron should wear the whole uniform. Lisa's cousin did the hair and Beth, Ellie's sister did Aaron's makeup. Ellie was the one that saw Aaron's reaction in the mirror. That made Ellie concerned. Ellie's motives are loyalty to Amber and her concern that nobody was reaching out to Aaron. Ellie became more of a sister to Aaron than a friend. In Ellie's mind Aaron was that close too.

Ellie originally thought the prank was more of a whim than it really was. Ellie felt hurt that Aaron pulled the prank over the objections of Taylor. She realize that she too was a "target" and felt hurt that Aaron's intentions were so sinister. It was Ellie's read of Aaron's sinister intentions that got her upset.

Hope this helps!

Hugs,
Leila

It does, it just seemed so

It does, it just seemed so sudden and her eagerness not entirely sincere but now I am not so sure that Lisa is going to be the friend Aaron needs now as she is the only one who is likely to approach him now that the real story is out- you certainly have gotten me thinking a lot more than I have thought before, you are weaving an intricate tale.

I'm told STFU more times in a day than most people get told in a lifetime

The butterfly always has to struggle to escape from the coccoon

it looks like Aaron's struggle to let Erin emerge is a long and difficult one. Perhaps more so because she doesn't seem to know that she is actually a beautiful butterfly inside, though others seem to see it only to let the facade of the ugly caterpillar blind them at points to the truly beautiful creature within struggling to emerge.

I am a Proud mostly Native American woman. I am bi-polar. I am married, and mother to three boys. I hope we can be friends.

I'm left feeling truly bad

I'm left feeling truly bad and sorry for Aaron because s/he is so close to a total "melt-down" it isn't even funny; yet no-one really seems to be zeroing in on that issue. She has been giving out "clues", such as her crying jags, her self-pity, and her angst regarding her sister and the injuries she received from the prank; yet it still does not seem to get through.
I also feel that her name is being stated and used in the feminine form of Erin by everyone, including the Counselor and the principal. This is because the two names Aaron and Erin sound so very, very much alike when spoken or heard. More reinforcement in Erin's mind that s/he is indeed seen and being treated as a girl rather than a boy.
I do agree with Taylor being sent to another school, because it would safer for him after what other students saw him doing with Aaron. I do not agree with decision to expell him, rather I would simply make it a move for safety, with a three-four day suspension, and leave it at that.
Be expelled would be a huge black mark on his school records.

First Step!

My5InchFMHeels's picture

First step has been taken now if Aaron does talk to Mrs. Yates. It's pretty clear, if Aaron doesn't get some kind of relief soon, such as finding a way to make amends, a serious breakdown is likely to incur. Grief over Amber, Ellie just realizing (though she should have long ago) she was in that very same position as Amber, Taylor going about trying to get to the bottom of it all wrong, somethings gotta give before the dam breaks.

Hopefully we'll see a turn around chapter soon, to give Aaron something positive, perhaps a new coach?

Over reaction

I think expelling Taylor is an over reaction which amounts to injustice. Yes he should have been censured for his actions but if every child in every school was expelled for such an action half the schools would be empty. I concede that in this story the school seems to be devoid of identifiable bullies so is that because of the no tollerance policy?.....oh I forget, its just a story.

Either way I feel Taylor has been served badly by well meaning adults who should have been a little more charitable and understanding of his confusion. A loyal friend looking out for you is something to be cherished not discarded.

Will

and all too common

tigger's picture

In my state, we have a number of offenses that state law requires to be treated with zero tolerance and specifies the minimum level of discipline - usually at least long term suspension if not expulsion. If a school board attempts to look at mitigating factors and reduce the penalty, they can be overridden by higher authority. At least here abouts, expulsion still goes to the school board for final determination and we're making in-roads at getting the zero tolerance laws off the books.

I agree it is dumb to have a mandatory, one size fits all punishment, but that is the reaction you get from 'one issue' politicians who want to look tough in the papers and the news sound bites.

T

I believe with the meltdown

and the empty field, combined with losing everyone important out of his life, Aaron will probably feel like leaving earth permanently. If I were in his position with the same set of circumstances, I would. Probably stepping out in front of a vehicle, or jumping off a building. What has been written indicates that he has no important contacts left (hardly), his life is crap,

what is there to live for?

Nothing.

So in his mind, why stay?

Leaving would be more enticing; reincarnate into a different life.

Sephrena

63_Not needed_unknown.jpg
 

ps: I know that Aaron is really Erin inside. Subconsciously all those years he was hiding her inside using the pranks to deflect his girlish behavior away. Yes, Erin is also so repressed she never once tried on her sister's clothing outside the cheerleading uniform. We have yet to see Erin actually emerge fully.

Aaron

I think it's important to draw the distinction between how "alone" Aaron felt when he was starting out and where he finds himself now. I would contend that Aaron is less susceptible to suicide now. Before, Aaron had no real allies and the hostility of the school.

We've reached a point where Aaron did see the squad rally around him. He saw the benefit of their concern for him. The student body was reacting positively to Aaron even showing support for their deceased coach. Aaron endured a traumatic event at school, but knows that even Taylor had nothing but good intentions for his act. Aaron tried in vain to intercede on Taylor's behalf.

The sense Aaron is feeling, in staring out at the empty field, is the threat posed to the squad that welcomed him. The possibility that the friends that he finally established a connection with could experience the anquish of losing the squad. The squad wasn't together at practice, thereby Aaron having to walk home alone. Aaron is 'alone' because he doesn't have the squad with him not because the world is against him. That's the source of his resolve now (concern for the squad). which is progress from his resolve when Dr. Corning allowed him to rejoin the squad (concern for his membership in the squad).

Hugs,
Leila

Not Good!

tigger's picture

Okay, I was a high school teacher and an administrator in my time, and I have some big time problems with this whole scenario.

1. Where are/were Aaron's parents? Gotta tell you, s/he would not be leaving my sight until his parents were there to take charge of the child. The kid just had a major breakdown in front of the counselor. Guess what, that bit about only telling if she learns s/he might be a danger to herself? Think we might be there? Darn tootin' we are!

2. I'd have every teacher, administrator, volunteer in the building keeping a close eye on Aaron, and Id still be scared.

Let's look at this. Whether the intent was there, regardless of what his subsequent rational (?) responses are, that kid just suffered an assault that for his mind reacted to as a prelude to rape or worse. S/he's already suffering from PTSD and NOT being treated/counseled for it.

He has NO support outside of school hours. His parents are gone. His sister is gone. The Coach, who at least was starting to listen to him just DIED (think that might make some connections to his sister's condition?) He just lost his best and only friend. S/he just lost the only person who has been at all in hir corner through this whole mess and the counselor they brought in only made him more aware of hir total isolation from any support because the school can't afford her full time services.

And they are letting hir walk home? ALONE? Not on my watch. If I could not reach the parents and could not turn Aaron over to an authorized, responsible adult, I would be thinking very hard about calling CPS. Yeah, I know - not well thought of here, but I would not have let hir go to the bathroom alone at that point - Dr. Corning had not even talked to the psychologist yet who had just told the principal that they needed to talk.

The ONLY positive thing I got out of the end of that story was Aaron's conviction to change, implication being for the 'better'. But guess what? NO ONE ELSE HEARD THAT! S/he was thinking it!

This whole mess, start to finish, would have/should have increased administration's attention to this child's mental and emotional state, and all they've done is react and not always well.

Ever play the old game 'time bomb' where you play catch with the black ball with the timer inside and the one who has it when the timer goes 'ding' loses? Well, Aaron is winding down and I don't see anyone around to even try to catch hir.

That school needs HELP, almost as much as Aaron.

This isn't a cliff-hanger - the cliff is cracking behind hir.

Tiggs

You probably proved my point better than I tried to

Suicide is a knocking here.

The question is, will Erin commit it before others realize she will? I don't know the answer.

Inside me, I know what I would do.

anime-girls-crying.jpg

Eek! Not good!

Aaron's not in a good place right now. His world is crumbling around him, even his gender is crumbling away! I too share in the worry that he could possibly think checking out is an option, but I believe he cares to much for his family to do something like that. Leila dear, more please! Loving Hugs Talia

Clues have been given

Jamie Lee's picture

Arron is so emotionally wrought, that he can't relate the order of events in a coherent manner. When he tried defending Taylor, who should not have been expelled but given an in school suspension, Arron gave Dr. Corning all the information she needed to get to the crux of the problem. And that's where both Dr. Yates and Dr. Corning should have started in questioning Arron.

Instead, Dr. Yates started at the rear and continued pressing those questions. She doesn't understand that Arron is more than just feeling responsible for Amber getting hurt, he IS responsible for her getting hurt.

Neither of the doctors understand that Taylor tried talking Arron out of doing the prank. And walked off before it was pulled. Taylor, an uninformed, concerned friend, got expelled because of what Arron initially did. Taylor didn't know on that day, everyone but him saw Arron as Erin, a girl. Taylor only felt his friend had been forced into dressing as a girl. Before being expelled, or even expulsion even considered, Dr. Corning should have gotten ALL the facts before making a decision. She is the one person who ASSUMED Arron was presenting as a girl. She IS the one who blind sided Arron with questions he hadn't considered. She made too many assumptions without LISTENING to what everyone was saying. Including, and specifically, Arron.

Arron should have been in counseling because of how he felt after Amber got hurt when he pulled that prank. Because no one could see the need for counseling, things started snowballing. One thing was piled on another, piled on another, etc. And now Dr. Yates has been brought in to find out if Arron had thought about being a girl? How about she go back and help him deal with felling guilty for hurting Amber? Then deal with being put on the cheer squad as punishment and being perceived as a girl. The root problem has to be dealt with before other concerns are addressed.

And during his last emotional outburst, Arron gave both doctors the order in which he needed help.

Others have feelings too.