This is a follow on from my autobiography, A Tale of Release chapter 1

Review of first part

It would seem that the softness of silk and nylon had always been a fascination to me even from the age of three but never more than at the age of forty-seven after losing over 43kg or nearly 95lbs in the old terms. For some unknown reason I found myself standing in front of the bedroom mirror dressed in only a black bra, knickers, garter belt and stockings looking at myself and admiring what I saw in the mirror. The body was thinner than I could remember being for over thirty years and the whole image exploded in my head in a way that made my mind reel. Suddenly the doubts of the past came pouring back into my head, was I meant to be a girl, what would it be like, and what sort of girl I would be? The stream of images, doubts and questions bombarded me for a long time even after removing the clothes and putting them back neatly into their proper place so that I would not be found out.

But something had changed, like the Search for the Holy Grail I had a mission; to answer the questions and solve the doubts in my own mind. It was a period in my life that was very stressful and it was taking a toll on my peace of mind as well as my ability to cope with the demands of work and the problems that had grown over the years to a point where they needed fixing once and for all.

I wanted to get clothes but was too afraid to go shopping in person so eBay became a way of getting things without getting caught. My first purchase was a really nice pink bra, my first bra, I now know why the first one is so special for girls, it marks a time of change of growing up and becoming a woman. Little by little I purchased items on e-bay and had them sent to the post box that I had set up near work so that it was easy to collect. Each time something arrived I would race home trying to get there before anyone else and have time to try it on. Sometimes the purchase was rubbish, far from what the seller advertised, other times it was just great value and fitted perfectly.

One of the threads I followed on the web related to makeover services in the states and with an interstate business trip coming up I changed my searching to find a location that could help me find the girl within. A few recommendations, a couple of emails and the booking was made for six weeks time, just enough time to increase my wardrobe, makeup and accessories before flying out in search of the Holy Grail. At the hotel I waited until the time was close then had a very close shave, twice, just to make sure the beard would stay hidden for several hours. It was only a short taxi ride but one that had taken a lifetime to start, as I knocked at the door I knew my nerves were on edge but the goal lay close at hand and I had to go through with it, I had come too far to miss out. As she opened the door and I introduced myself there was a sense of being at the start of a window cleaning exercise, removing the grime so that I could see the girl within.

A month later while laying in bed, before the day started, Janet told me about a dream she had overnight, I was very confused, I knew I had to tell Janet, I also knew it would hurt both her and me. Confusion and fear raged within my head, could I survive, would Janet leave me, would it hurt her so much that she would go into depression again. Telling Janet about my feeling and the things I had done took over an hour and all the way through I shared my fear of losing her and the worry of being rejected. Janet consistently affirmed her love for me and the promise to stay with me and see this thing through to the end. I was surprised at her response and just kept trying to explain what transgenderism was and how it had been part of my life for so many years yet I was just finding out what it meant. We talked about how the boss would react and I thought it better not to tell them at work yet.

Over the next few days we discussed it several times and I eventually fronted up to work and told my boss about the issue and asked to stand down from major decision making areas while I sorted out the issue with Janet. I told him because there was no thought of not being supported through something that I saw as a need in my life. There was never a real thought of losing my job or being ridiculed, after four months I was sacked from work, it was cold, harsh and immediate with no compensation or warning.

The pressure on our marriage was considerable and at times it caused so much pain that we could have just walked away from the entire scene and never return, but at other times we knew we needed answers. The impact on our physical health was also hard to handle, pain and sleep loss, trouble with recurring injuries and just a feeling of loss and depression that remained with both of us on a daily basis. Thoughts of suicide came frequently along with depression and anger at being treated like worthless rags, discarded rather than cleaned, torn rather than repaired.

And now the story of what could have been!

Kerry sat at her desk in the spare bedroom, of her two bedroom unit, looking out of the window half watching and half remembering the last ten months. The desk was her father's old roll top desk with leather insert and small drawers for envelopes and stamps, very neat and tidy but not practical for a full desktop computer system. She used it for her writing and bill keeping with a laptop filling most of the desk area when it was used. The last year and a half had flown by and only now could she sit and think about it without bursting into tears. Her new boss, Bill, had seen the pain and confusion over the last 18 months and had insisted that she take two weeks off work and go away. Actually what Bill had seen was the pain Paul had gone through, initially he knew nothing about Kerry. He had always suspected that there was more to Paul than he could prove but didn’t want to know too much as he may have to make a decision about it.

Kerry’s mind drifted back over the time, Paul was more and more troubled by the conflict within his mind about being transgendered but not able to communicate the depth of his feelings to his wife. Kerry had been locked away and all of her clothes, shoes, makeup and jewelry thrown away, as far as others were concerned Kerry was dead. Paul had gone through many counseling sessions but Kerry had never gone away, he was not in need of healing or fixing up, it was their problem not his or hers. The tension continued between Paul and Janet with both shutting down their communications as if Kerry would just go away and things could return to normal. It never did return to normal and gradually the split became noticeable to others as well as Paul and Janet.

The physical split occurred one day when Janet walked into the house to find Paul sitting on the settee crying. “I can’t continue to live like this, and you deserve better” he said as Janet held his hand, she had dreaded this talk for many months but as it came she thought that everything would be OK. The pressure of lodging legal action against the directors of Paul’s last employer had drained them both, the simple process of ensuring confidentiality exploded when the directors retaliated with counter action seeking compensation and damages for Paul’s ‘deceptive lifestyle’. The legal bill had grown to twenty grand and still no result was in sight, the tension was ripping them apart.

Paul took a few days off work to talk with the kids about his decisions and what Janet would be telling them about his “problem” and why they had decided to split. It was not going to be easy to hide the main issue so Paul accepted that he had to be open about everything and hope the kids, who were actually all adults, would still love him and understand what he was doing and why. It was also a time to find a suitable small unit to rent and move out his clothes, some furniture and his business gear. Paul made sure that his old bank account was still active and with Janet’s knowledge they split the bank balance and locked the joint credit card accounts. Janet was to stay in the house and they would jointly maintain it until a decision would be made about divorce or reconciliation.

Paul had gone through the house and divided the furniture like the spare double bed, the second lounge suite, a full set of crockery with eight settings, the second dining table and chairs, the small fridge and the freezer. As they divided the house it was surprising how much he would actually end up with, the main shortage was a microwave and pans, a small cost compared to the main items. The unit came equipped with a washer and dryer so that could wait until he made firmer plans, he called a removalist to make it easier and the rest of his clothes fitted into the car and as he drove away Janet felt that he would not be coming back. Sitting next to him in the car was the unseen Kerry, she was excited about the future but concerned for the hurt Paul was about to feel.

Compared to their house the unit felt small and had limited access but was well placed for work and the river, about twenty years old but it had been refurbished recently. Paul planned to set aside one of the bedrooms as an office for work and had arranged a wireless broadband account so that connection would be alright until he could decide about buying a house or unit for himself. The furniture was easily moved in, the basic nature of the unit was fine for a few months but not over the long term. The removalist had left as Paul finished putting his clothes away in the wardrobe the impact of what he had done and the loneliness hit him. He turned around and sat down on the bed and cried, there was nothing Kerry could do except watch and let some of the pain they both felt flow out of the body they shared.

The next day was Saturday so Paul went shopping for the simple necessities of the house, microwave cooker, ironing board, mop, cleaning material, food, pantyhose, hair remover, nail polish remover, makeup, just a starting point. Another decision Paul made was to set timeframes for certain goals such as weight, hair, clothing etc, the first one to arrive would be the use of male underwear. He had decided that no male underwear would be washed and this meant that the ten or so pairs of jocks had only one more wearing before being thrown in the bin. This would force him to go to a nearby lingerie shop and procure enough knickers for a whole week or more so his first visit took place on Saturday afternoon.

The shop was positioned on a mixed use road, residential and commercial so foot traffic was mainly limited to prams and joggers heading to the local park. Paul drove past the shop carefully checking out the customers then parked the car just up the road and walked back to the front door, the place was empty and a single salesperson stood drinking her coffee behind the counter. Paul walked around the shop nervously looking at the treasure trove of clothes.

“Hi can I help you with something today?” asked Lisa smiling at Paul. “Our house was ransacked recently when it was robbed and my wife’s lingerie drawer ended up being thrown away” said Paul testing the storyline as he went “so she needs some nice stuff to replace what thirty years had collected please.” Lisa showed Paul some nice things but at this point Paul just wanted to get the basics “I was thinking of buying her some nice pants to replace the basic cotton ones she has been putting up with.” Paul chose a couple of sets of white silk and some light blue and some in what looked like a very tight black Lycra. He paid the bill and left fairly quickly without chatting or stopping to check out the rest of the shop.

His second visit was a few days later on the Thursday after work, Lisa was serving again and she remembered Paul’s visit from Saturday, “how did the wife like the pants?” she asked Paul “oh, very nice thanks” Paul said clumsily. Lisa let him walk around the shop looking at different things as she watched him, there was something that made Lisa twig about Paul’s real intentions.

“My name is Lisa, look I may be totally off base with this but can I ask who the bits are for?” Lisa said watching the sudden reddening of Paul’s face. “Sorry I didn’t mean to be rude it’s just that I like to make sure our customers are totally happy” Lisa said still watching Paul’s face “are they for you?”

Paul looked at her trying to decide if she was very observant or just making an outrageous guess and could he trust her. “We have several clients that enjoy our lingerie selections under their normal clothes, if you know what I mean” Lisa said feeling that she was not going to get a direct answer to her question. “What style are you looking for day wear or more risqué?” she asked Paul trying to get any lead as to what he wanted. “I need all of the basics to start with please” Paul said in quiet tones, “do you have anything apart from the things you bought on Saturday?” Lisa asked him, Paul shook his head. “Can I offer something special for you, we normally close at around seven on Thursdays, why don’t you go home change and come back wearing just a track suit or similar, I’ll close the shop and you can choose without being disturbed.”

Paul was back at quarter to seven wearing just sneakers and track suit without a t-shirt underneath waiting for Lisa to shut the shop. The outside light was turned off and the door blind was pulled down to give some privacy, “just come outback to the fitting rooms so I can check your measurements then we can start choosing something nice for you” Lisa told him while still being careful not to offend her new client. Lisa measured and noted every part of his body that counted but it would come down to trying them on for most things. “My plan is to lose at least 20kg over the next eight months so I need nice but not too expensive please” Paul said, letting Lisa in on his grand plan in just the smallest way. Camisole tops and night shirts, pants and garter belts all mounded up on the counter as Lisa helped to dress Paul in some nice items that he had only dreamt of for the last two years. “I really need a couple of bras as well but have no idea what size I should be” Paul said looking at the matching sets to his knickers. Lisa suggested that any size 38 would do depending on how big he wanted to look, the jump from just wearing some lingerie to presenting as a woman had just been made without Paul noticing the subtle switch in her focus.

Paul chose a couple of delicate numbers based purely on fitting size and colour to match his other bits, he had decided on a C cup size and thought that would allow some shape without being over the top. Lisa had only ever had a couple of clients that went the extra distance but she was well aware of what would be required for Paul to do a good job, “we also have some things that you will find very helpful” she said and showed him the control briefs at the back of the shop. By the time he had added on a body stocking, a nicely shaped one piece, silk topped stockings and more pantyhose the bill came to well over two hundred dollars and Paul knew that Lisa would be making a nice bonus on the out of hours sale. As Paul was picking up his bags Lisa told him that if he called in advance she would be happy to stay back and help him anytime. The first goal of new underwear had been reached within the set time, actually four days ahead of time.

The internet connection was going to get a pounding as e-bay was anonymous and Paul could shop without any threat. He arranged for a post office box near work to allow for regular pickups of mail and net purchases during daytime hours. The spare room had been set up as an office but with a second wardrobe area, Kerry would have a place for her stuff. Back at work Bill asked Paul how things were going and assured him of the availability of timeout if needed, his job would not be at risk. The projects could wait but Paul wanted to get back into it as a coping mechanism and take his mind off the pain, or that is what he told Bill. One of the guys had gone through separation a year earlier and offered to help Paul if he had any problems, an offer of joining them for drinks at a local pub after work to help Paul get over it was far from where Paul was at and had to make suitable thanks and promise to ask if he had anything to talk about. The reality was that even after fourteen days he had planned the next six months like a precision project and wanted to get started, he knew the goals and targets that had to be hit as well as the cost of each step. Hair grows at 2cm per month his hairdresser had once told him so deciding on hair length and amount of time available the rest was just mathematics. The internet was a great tool for shopping, clothing and medical services could be compared and researched without anyone knowing your name or location.

Paul sought the advice of a registered psychiatrist to give some stability and also help in the paperwork if he decided to proceed into a real life test (RLT) in the future, although the future was getting clearer every day. The initial consultation was very low key as doctor Anne got Paul to talk about the feelings he had gone through over the last two years and what he thought the future may look like. At the next visit the usual gender identification test, the hormone tests, and the psych evaluation were done to give Anne a clear picture to work with. At the end of the session she confirmed a higher feminine rating than normal, for a male, and also significant trends towards transgenderism. Anne finished her analysis with “there is really only one question that is still unanswered, when do you intend to start the RLT?” Paul had to think quickly about the answer. Finally he said “I guess that is still my main question isn’t it” he had no idea how it would be possible to transition at work or if he would look any good as a woman without serious rework of his face and body. Sessions were planned for every two months just to make sure he was still on a stable footing and prepare the RLT papers if needed.

As Paul’s emotions settled down he found that single living was much better than living in a house where there was too much stress and no communication. Janet had sought legal advice incase Paul didn’t return, what would be the best way of handling the money and investment property without losing tax advantages or future wealth. It was decided that Janet should rent a small unit and the main house should be rented out along with the other property under the company name thereby making each person equal partners under law. She chose a unit near the beach with just a short term lease agreement just in case Paul returned, although it was looking less likely each week.

They met each fortnight to cover the bills and talk things through but after three months the meetings got shorter and Paul kept the personal talk to a minimum. Janet noticed that his hair was much longer and he had lost quite a few kilos, his clothes looked somehow different than she had seen him wear before. If Janet had seen Paul during the weekend inside the unit she would have known the name of the woman that was bringing about such changes in his life, it was Kerry. Slowly Kerry added to her wardrobe, several visits to the lingerie shop where Lisa understood Paul had different needs and tried to make shopping easier.

The local hair dresser provided more than just haircuts and Paul got his chest and back waxed at his first visit, the next visit was to get them redone as well as his arms. The salon was only small and closed early on Thursday nights but Paul arranged for an appointment after hours to get his hair styled with a more flexible or slightly feminine style. By the third month Paul had both ears pierced and skin tone studs in them for work but as soon as he got home they got swapped for larger gold hoops or dangling earrings that touched his neck as they swung around. Makeup was a huge learning curve and Paul had a lit mirror installed in the bedroom along with a great magnifying mirror on an extension arm in the bathroom.

The other main choice he made was to only buy good quality makeup after trying some of the cheaper products he found that better quality also meant less use and better look, lipstick was a good example thicker and brighter as well as longer lasting. Eye liner and mascara seemed to go on just so much better and the finished look was well worth the extra cost. Paul’s mother had always said “never buy tat” or in plain English “you get what you pay for so don’t waste your money.” Now he was very certain she meant only buy goods skirts and dresses, so Paul did just as she instructed even knowing that the early purchases would be thrown away or sold online via eBay. One of the outfits Kerry had owned when she first arrived nearly three years earlier was a fully lined knee length grey skirt that felt just so good she had to have one just like it.

Being very good at retaining information such as website URL’s fashion label names etc it only took Paul a few minutes to track down a consultant that sold the clothes through a party plan option. Of course neither Paul nor Kerry had any plans to front up to a room full of real women and try on the clothes, but by offering a decent sale it was possible to arrange an out of hours private party for one at minimal notice to fit in with the consultants plans. Paul met Renee one Wednesday evening after a group booking had been cancelled the day before, they had talked over the phone and by referring to her work with the local cross dressers support group Paul was able to convince her that he was safe.

Paul fronted up wearing the same track suit he wore to Lisa’s shop but carried a bag of bits, bra inserts, wig, three pairs of shoes etc, he already had on pantyhose, camisole and bra as well as basic makeup. “Can I ask for one favour?” asked Paul “can I just make a few small changes and then please call me Kerry, it will save a lot of confusion for both of us.” Renee had no problems and let Kerry have some privacy while she adjusted herself, her camisole and bra showing as the track suit top was unzipped partly after inserting the breast forms to give the shape she wanted. They talked about styles and fittings etc as Renee flicked through several racks of current designs, Kerry loved the shopping in person and total safety of it all. The entire range was geared towards more mature ladies thought Kerry and although she thought of herself as being young she kept going back to one phrase, ‘age appropriate dressing’.

Renee helped Kerry select good fitting clothes that still would look good if she lost more weight, then it was dressing time and Renee asked if Kerry needed to be alone. “If you don’t mind I would appreciate your advice, I’m still new at this girl stuff” Kerry laughed trying more to make herself at ease than Renee. The new styles looked very nice and Kerry could have spent a good five hundred without thinking but she still had 10kg to go and that would be nearly two dress sizes. Understanding the problem Renee showed Kerry a rack of last year's demo stock that she had out back in her work room, one of the dresses she loved was on the rack but just too small, next month it would fit she told herself and took it straight away. Every two months Renee would call Kerry and see if she wanted to drop in, the clothes that no longer fitted her grew slowly as buying was far more fun than selling. It would be Renee that helped Kerry with many of her work outfits later on and just a good sense of what fitted with her body shape.

By the end of four months and with the help of hormones the body hair was reducing as was his waistline while the bust line had marginally increased, just an increase in the size of his aureoles with slight swelling behind them. Paul had decided that the first six months would be to get down to the right body size and change features that could, if anything happened, be undone and return to normal Paul mode. The web gave so many locations that could provide facial feminization surgery (FFS), sex reassignment surgery (SRS) or breast augmentation (BA) from London to LA and Thailand to Toronto. The prices varied depending on the local health prices but Thailand was by far the closest to Paul’s bank account, all these things would only take place if Paul changed his mind. The lawyer called about the legal action and gave Paul an update and then found out about the split of the marriage, Andrew wanted to know about Paul’s plans and offered his services if needed.

After six months Paul was down to 68kg and his waistline was down to just 30” with hips still at 36” and a chest of 36 but only enough breast matter for fill an A cup. A couple of extra visits to see Lisa in the lingerie shop helped keep Paul in good fitting underwear and it was her that spotted the growth in chest size. “I see that something is changing up top dear” Lisa said as she measured Paul for another bra one Thursday night after closing time, “just a few hormones nothing much , yet” he said in a playful voice. Lisa had been showing Paul some of the latest gear to arrive and he spotted a very nice dark blue corset that had just been unpacked “that looks absolutely fantastic, how much for me?” Paul asked Lisa not really concerned at how much it was since he could already see it hanging in the wardrobe at home.

Lisa measured under his chest and waist then found a corset that would fit properly, “slip off all your gear and I will help you put this on” Lisa told Paul rather than ask him, he had stopped being shy with her after the first time she saw him wearing the pants and was already stripping off. Lisa held the strings in place as she pulled each set tighter, top to middle then bottom to middle, Paul held his breath and then had to take small gasps of air until he settled down. The second tightening caused more pain and less air but the impact was stunning, the mirror did not lie about the hourglass shape that was being formed. Paul had brought with him the high quality breast forms that he had just ordered from a web store, size 5/6 or C cup, they sat on his hairless chest resting in the corset cups like precious jewels enclosed in silk and lace. The garter straps hung down his legs just waiting to be connected, Paul grabbed a pair of fine denier dark blue stockings and rolled them up his legs, then fed the straps under his silk pants and clipped them onto the stockings. Standing in the dressing room was the body of a well dressed woman as long as the face was covered, there was no appearance of hair or excess fat on the body and even the bump looked well hidden.

“Would you like to wear it home or do I put it into a bag for you?” said Lisa snapping Paul out of the spell binding image in the mirror. “I think we both know the answer to that one Lisa” Paul said as he turned around looking at the image again. The ride home was agonizingly slow for Paul, the traffic just crawled for some reason stopping him from getting home quicker. Unlocking the unit the first thing he did was pull off his track suit and sneakers then put on a pair of heels, the image had made it all the way home without changing except the posture was better with 3inches of heel causing the body to distort slightly. Any thought of dinner had vanished and Paul opened the wardrobe and selected the skirt he had purchased from Renee recently and put on a white silk blouse.

The corset made everything fit just so much better even if breathing was still difficult, the girl in the mirror was starting to look thinner and would need some padding at this rate. Paul applied a light coat of makeup and lipstick then went out into the lounge room, the curtains still open allowing Paul to see out to the river and city lights. He wanted to go out for a walk but could only bring himself to sit on the patio and drink his tea while feeling the restriction of the corset pressing into his ribcage.

The sun had set long ago and the moon was shining over the river casting light down the bicycle path that he rode on for exercise. Just as he was about to walk inside he changed his mind and opened the back gate and walked down to the river's edge looking around as he went, the click of heels on the cement path sounded like gunshots to Paul’s ears, he could imagine everyone in the district hearing the noise knowing that a man in a dress was out walking. Being outside the safety of the unit was a major step for Paul and one that he had not planned for at least another few months when the body had finished changing and hair was long enough to not require a wig. Paul stayed up reading and enjoying the feelings that flowed through his body longing for the time when this would be the norm rather than the exception. That weekend Paul asked Jill to pierce the ears again and this time to insert small diamond studs higher up the lobe, with the gold hoops they looked just so sexy.