How many times have we heard some one say “If I only had my life over it would be different” but if we could force our lives to be ‘reset’ without losing any of the memories we had, how would we handle it and what changes would we select before pressing the button.

Most people have made comment about when and where they were born, school subjects, career, when they got married and who they married, but what about gender, build, hair colour, disposition? Lets assume that science has evolved so much that it is all possible, would you press the button and what settings would you make, what is the optimal configuration for the best life, and why would blonde be better than brunette. Why would being 5’6” be better than 6’2” or hazel eyes better than blue, surely the family and who is working or how much the family earns could make more difference.

As he finished the selections from the lists he paused and thought for the last time, the next decision was final and life as he knew it would cease for about nine months. Would he be happier as a blue eyed blonde girl living in a family of only one child to professional parents and expectations of a comfortable life. He had read all of the technical journals or white pages and seen the test results, it was now up to his choices, a planned life of luxury and all the things he had longed for. He pressed the final button committing the programme and starting the shutdown of his own life, his eyes closed and breathing stopped as the drugs flowed into his brain and induced the state of semi-death without a real death, his mind had simply stalled and the soul was waiting for the eternal light to come. The light never came, it was like watching a very long movie where the ambient lights came on so slowly over nine months. Firstly the pumping of blood through the body then movement as limbs grew and feet could be pushed into the wall of the womb, turning and moving as the time ticked on. Things got tight then one day everything seemed to change she was upside down and had dropped lower, her heart beat was getting louder and it was obviously a time of change. The pain increased and then movement as every muscle seemed to be pushing her towards the light, was this the end of life or the start of her new life.

She was being held by a woman that was obviously glad to see her daughter at last, the doctor stood nearby and made comments about scores and weights but she had no idea what it all meant as the nipple was pushed into her mouth. Sleep, feed, more sleep and more feed so it went on for many days until she started to understand her name and who the people were that seemed very excited every time she smiled or giggled. Nappies gave way to pants then a dress and then it was her first day at school, the years had gone so quickly and Susan had learnt that she could get away with murder if she only looked at her dad with puppy dog eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. Primary school flew by as she learnt about maths and English, writing stories and poetry being her flair, sports only made a small impact but she had good control and a talent for being creative. High school was only a few days away when something happened in Susan’s mind, an image flashed into her mind that seemed too real to be a dream. She was sitting at a console pressing buttons but in the mirror she could only see the face of an old man, grey hair and wrinkles with a frown on his face that showed a depth of despair. Just as quickly the image was gone but not the memory of the image, it stayed away for nearly a month but came back in the middle of a dream, the same face and the hollow eyes that seemed to be saying so much.

Through high school the image never seemed to leave her but slowly Susan understood what was happening, it was like building a jigsaw puzzle from scratch without seeing the original picture, piece by piece it went together. She started to write it down in her private journal, the face the feelings she had about the man, the things she saw as if seeing a life in reverse. The image got younger and younger until he was around her age and at the end of high school. Then one day Susan sat down to read the story in the correct order, the young boy had such a confusing life his mind was being battered by doubts and thoughts that he didn’t understand. Susan saw a life that was so open and full of hope, he had dreams and family around him but those thoughts kept getting at him. As Susan followed the life she saw the changes, his family being formed and growing up, his life being lived to the full. She stopped reading and had to wait for the pain to go down, it was as if it was real for her, how could a story make so much impact on her, a dream that had haunted her for nearly five years.

It was nearly another month before she could get back to the story, her exams had finished and she had time to think about her future. She had grown into a very attractive young woman, nearly five foot six and as some had said her legs seemed to go on forever. Susan loved her blonde hair and her body had gone through puberty and high school without any of the things her friends had experienced, pimples, extra fat on her hips or bum. She had done enough sport to stay trim but nothing more than a game of tennis every week, her friends had complained how she could eat the horse and never gain the weight. “It’s just my chemistry” she would say and hoped it would never change. Her parents had been great, as doctors they had provided the best schooling for their only child, she was never spoilt but knew that she had a privileged life compared to others and tried hard to keep balanced. School was over and university lay ahead, she had chosen a creative uni and her parents had supported her choice of subjects, her future was her choice. The next three months would help form her future more than she could ever understand, the face in the dreams was part of her life and as she sat there reading the rest of the story she again felt the pain and doubts in this reflected life.

This time the pain hit her and caused her to crumple up in a ball, her parents were both at work and it would be at least six hours before they returned. She lay there trying to think, the image pushed into her mind and held her attention, it seemed to be looking at her and crying out for her to listen. Susan tried to shut it away but it came back, “I need to talk with you” he said to her, she squeezed her eyes shut but the face remained in her mind’s eye. “I need to talk with you” he said again, Susan struggled but could only see the face of the young boy with tears in his eyes. “How can we talk when you are just a dream” she found her self saying, “just like this” he said waiting for her response. “I don’t understand, you are just my imagination” she said only half convinced of it’s truth, “sorry but I don’t know how to convince you but I am far more than just an imagination” he said. “It’s been a long time showing you all about my life” he said, “what do you mean, your life, how can a dream have a life” Susan asked. “I don’t know what you remember about your early years, have you thought about why you are the only child?’ he asked her. Susan had been told that her parents had trouble conceiving and her mum was IVF assisted to get pregnant, the project had been funded through a local university that employed her dad on a research grant.

The image faded and Susan got up and walked into the kitchen for a drink, “I don’t have to be visible to talk with you” he said making Susan jump. “What, I was trying to stop thinking about you” Susan said trying hard to think of something else. “Look, my name is Bill and I need you to understand some things” Bill told her, “you are still in my head unless you can show me otherwise” Susan said, thinking that would stop the discussion. “Okay, have you heard of project PhoenixIV?” asked Bill, “not that I can remember, what is it all about” questioned Susan suddenly interested in what was happening. “Google it and then come and ask me about it before you read anything” suggested Jill. Susan sat down at her laptop and keyed in ‘Project PhoenixIV’ into her search engine, only two entries came up and both referred to an IVF cloning project started some twenty years ago and finished after only ten years. “Bill, what does it mean?” asked Susan starting to read more of the intro, “check out the location and names associated with the project, anything familiar” said Bill. Susan scanned the files and came across the names of the project team, her father was down the list. “What was the main goal for the project?” asked Susan, “to clone a person and give them the perfect life they have chosen from a list of options” replied Bill. Susan read more until she came across the project brief, ‘to allow a cloned person a second chance at life as they would want it’ she stopped unsure about the next question.

Bill started to say something but Susan stopped him, she was trying to put it together in her head and every way she looked at it the conclusion was stupid. “Are you saying that you designed my life with your own life?” asked Susan, Bill had over 18 years to think of this response “in a way, yes, but only the basics” he said. Over the next hour Bill told her how his life contained so many questions and doubts, fears and concerns, Phoenix was a way of testing his thought that life could have been better. Susan had real trouble getting over the fact that her life was constructed by someone who had planned it and like a straw boat had launched it into the sea to see what would happen. She went through many questions in her head, Bill heard them all but just waited patiently for her to address him directly. “Bill, does this mean that you made me do things while I was growing up?” she asked him thinking the worst, “no, I have had no control since I finished the initial program” he replied. “Let me explain that, I only selected the life that I wanted us to have but it was only the starting point you, however, give it an identity.”