Totally Insane 29–Machinations.
by Angharad

It was a few days after my close encounter with Auntie Em’s ceiling that I next bumped into Collin Matthews. Gemma and I were hanging out in town. Philip was going to meet us after he’d been to the dentist–it was only a check up, so no big deal.

We, that is, Gemma and I, were emerging from a clothes shop where she’d talked me into buying a very short skirt–Mummy will kill me, but that’s another story.

“Well look who it isn’t?” said a boy’s voice and we glanced up to see these two quite large boys standing outside the shop. “Where’s your baby today?”

Stepping between Matthews and me, Gemma said, “She doesn’t have a baby, she’s like twelve, you turkey.”

“Twelve? Geez, she’s got a twin with a baby then. We saw them down by the playing fields last week.”

“Well, she’d have like been in school then, wouldn’t she?” Gemma could be quite forceful when she wanted. I stood behind her, protecting her in case one of the dummies in the window decided to attack her–while she dealt with the two dummies in the front.

“You sure it wasn’t you?” said Matthews staring intently at me. I shook my head to indicate no. He was still grumbling about it when they walked off.

“What was all that about, Kylie?” demanded Gemma.

“Oh, nothing.”

“C’mon, girl, talk–or I’ll call him back and say it was you.”

“Not Collin Matthews, puuullleese,” I pretended to beg.

“Well, like ‘fess up, then.”

“Okay, okay, I surrender.” We moved into the middle of a small arcade. “It’s nothing really. I took Auntie Em’s baby out for a walk ‘cos they were having builders in and it was all dirty and noisy.”

“What they havin’ done?”

“A new kitchen ceiling, the old one fell on me.”
“What?” Her eyes became enormous–“it fell on you? You’re kiddin’, aren’t you?”

“No, they had a burst pipe and I heard the dripping, went to investigate and this huge bulge in the ceiling burst just as I went into the kitchen. Nearly drowned me.” Gemma ran through the scenario in her mind’s eye, looked concerned and then laughed.

“I’ll bet that was funny.”

“Not at the time, I had quite nice clothes on.”

“What about Matthews?”

“Well, like I said, I took baby Sarah out in the pram while the builders were doing the ceiling. I walked down around the park and round the bottom of the playing fields .”

“No wonder they thought you were a push over.”

“A push over?”

“Yeah, only girls who put themselves about, hang out down there.”

“Where am I supposed to take the baby for a walk then, where it’s quiet and free from cars and lorries?”

“I dunno, do I? I mean, it’s not like I’ve had to take my baby out, is it? I mean, I’m not a teen mum, like someone I know.” She began to laugh. As I realised she was only pulling my leg, I laughed as well. “I dunno, Kylie, you’ve only like been a girl five minutes and already you’ve got yourself a reputation as a push over and people think you’re a teenage mum.”

I blushed, and tried to shrug it off. “Quick in here,” I pushed her into a little shop.

“I don’t want baby clothes,” she protested, “I’m not a teen mum, like someone we know.”

“Shush, look away.” I tried to spin her around as Brian walked past. A moment later there was a tap on the window and Brian was standing outside. He was beckoning to me–oh poo.

“Hi girls. Say, Kylie, you couldn’t like lend me a tenner, could ya?” I knew it would end in tears–what does he spend it on? He gets far more than I do–if I don’t count what Uncle Kit slipped me for baby sitting and making lunch that day. I did work hard, and I put all the dinner on.

I could see us all now, seated around the dining table–that means it’s gonna a be posh meal. I paraded out with this roast chicken, which Daddy carved while me and Mummy brought out several dishes of vegetables. Uncle Kit opened a bottle of wine and me and Brian were allowed to have a small drop as well. Can’t say I really liked it that much, but it was nice to be offered some.

I’d put the chicken in the oven after lunch, so it was cooked for ages on a lowish heat. The meat absolutely fell off the bone. I did the roast spuds in the other oven just like Mummy told me to, and they were brown and crisp. In fact everything was surprisingly edible. I expected Mummy to be home early, but she got held up–some kid in her school got knocked down sneaking off home–he was only nine, so there was a right hoo-ha about it. She looked quite frazzled when she got home. Even Daddy got home before her that night.

I had everything pretty well under control–at least I hoped I did. Brian was up in his room, so asking him for help was like asking for miracles–no, probably harder than that. I laid the table and checked everything. We were having melon for starters–so Mummy could do that when she got home–and some trifle for pudding.

I finished the table, making a little display with some flowers I cut from the garden. It looked amateurish, but that’s probably because I am. Then I slipped upstairs and after a little wash changed into a dress–not the one which had been irrigated the day before, another one. I redid my lippy and put on some mascara, checked my hair and nails, slipped into my red shoes–the ones with heels, a squirt of smellies and I was quite the little hostess.

I was pottering in the kitchen with an apron around me–well I seem to be a dirt magnet these days–when Daddy arrived. “Hi, Daddy,” I called throwing my arms around him.

He pecked me on the cheek and complimented me on my outfit and asked why I looked so tidy and where was my mother and Brian?”

“The Johnsons are coming to dinner, Mummy hasn’t got home yet and Brian is up in his room.”

“Okay, what’s the first course?” he asked.

“Melon.”

“Have you prepared it?”

“No, I don’t know how.”

“I don’t know how your mother was going to do it, if I show you, you can do the rest while I have a shower, okay?”

“Yes, Daddy.” I love it when they show me how to do something new.” He took out the two melons and cut them into quarters, longways, then told me to scoop out the seeds, we wash them and put them on the bird table in the winter. Then he took some oranges and cut them in quarters, and using some long wooden skewer things he upended the piece of orange into the middle of the melon so it was like a sail on a yacht. After that, he popped a cherry on the top of the skewer and placed his creation on a dish in the fridge. I thought it was so clever–I’d never have thought of it in a million years–okay, maybe in a few thousand.

While he scrubbed up and put on his best casual trousers and shirt–the one I bought him–he really likes it, I got on and made a whole fleet of melon boats. I was just finishing when Mummy arrived looking very harassed.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” I stood aside to show her the fruits of my labours, quite literally this time. “Oh, I wasn’t going to do those.”

“Well you weren’t here,” I started to sniff. She should have been pleased with me, not disappointed. “It was Daddy’s idea, and I think it’s clever.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she gave me a monster hug, “You’ve done really well, that chicken smells so nice. Did you baste it with the glaze we made up last night?”

“Yes, Mummy, I did before I put it in the oven and a couple of times since.”

“You be careful around hot fat, my girl.”

“Well, you weren’t here to do it.”

“I know, its been a terrible day in school–for two pins, I’d go up to bed with a stiff drink and stay there.”

“But you can’t, Mummy, Auntie Em and Uncle Kit are coming in half an hour.”

“I know–I’d better go and shower, wash off the dirt of the day and all that stuff. Be an angel and make me a cuppa, will you–and bring it up.”

“What shall I do about the melon?”

“It’s fine, I’ll show you a little trick on presentation when I come back down, gotta go–don’t forget the tea, and I expect your dad’d like one too.” Ten minutes later I was delivering two cups of tea to the bedroom. Mum was already dressed–in trousers!

“You’re wearing trousers?” I gasped.

“Yes, why not? I mean, it’s your dinner party, so as long as you’re in a dress civilisation is quite safe.” She laughed and I heard Daddy chuckle from the bathroom.

“I hope Auntie Em is in a skirt,” I huffed as I left and heard them laugh again. I hoped they wouldn’t phone over the road and get her to wear trousers just to pull a prank on me.

They both came down a short while later, they both looked much better than when they’d arrived. Mummy showed me how to spray some wiggly lines from a can of cream on to the plates to make it look like the sea, although the plates had to be cold. She checked the dinner–everything was ready and right on time, the Johnsons arrived.

Auntie Em was wearing a pair of trousers too, with a matching shirt and a lovely pashmina. “Goodness, I’m the only one in skirt,” I grumbled.

“Well as our hostess, it is sort of accepted that you would have dressed for the occasion.” Auntie Em smirked as did Mummy and Daddy.

“And very smart you look, too,” said Uncle Kit who was in a pair of nice jeans and striped shirt–it looked expensive. Brian came down in his clean jeans and Batman tee shirt.

He was wearing the same tee shirt now, which may have strengthened the memory of that evening. Actually, he looked almost tidy for once. “C’mon Ky, let’s ‘ave that tenner.”

“I don’t think I’ve got a tenner, I just bought a new skirt.” I held up the bag for him to see.

“Don’t gimme that, Ky, I know you’ve got plenty. You never come shopping with less than thirty quid.” How did he know that. “Hi, Gem, how’s Karen?”

“She’s okay.”

“Give her my love.”

“Better disinfect it first,” I said stepping back sharply.

“Look ‘ere, Sis, jus’ ‘cos you’re a girl, don’t mean I can’t tan your arse in the middle of the shopping centre.”

Some how I managed to control my mouth, it nearly told him he wouldn’t dare–which is exactly what it would have taken to make him do it. Instead I made my own threat to sanctions, financial ones–“If you lay one finger on me, Brian Mosse, I won’t lend you anything.”

“Only kiddin’, Sis.” He smiled his most disarming smile and I glowered at him. I hated to think how much he’d borrowed over the past year, let alone over the last several. Talk about bad debts–he was like funding a third world country.

I handed him the money and he, smiled once again and walked off, “Oh, you both look very smart, ladies.” We smiled at him, ”Shows how appearances can be deceptive.”

We both frowned at him, he laughed out loud as he sped away. “Arsehole,” muttered Gemma under her breath. We both agreed on something very fundamental.

“Does Karen borrow from you?” I asked my companion.

“No way, she spends very carefully–she’ll, like, take all day deciding over which pair of knickers to buy.”

“Will she? Gosh, Mummy buys all mine–I mean, I like get to choose most of them.”

“Does your mum, choose all your clothes?”

“No, we have a fifty-fifty arrangement, I choose them–she pays for them.”

“Kylie, you are funny.” We continued window shopping for another half an hour and I spotted Philip walking towards us. He gave us both a hug and kissed me. Gemma smirked at that. “I dunno, Kylie, a girl for five minutes and you got a boyfriend.”

I blushed and felt like challenging her, but she’d eat me alive, so I let it pass. Philip however, replied, “Don’t you have one then, Gem?”

“No, I’m between them at the moment.” She said and I’m sure we both thought she was fibbing.

“’Cos I know someone who’d like to go out with you.”

“Like who?”

“Craig Lloyd.”

“Craig Lloyd, you serious?”

“Yeah, course I am.”

“But he’s in the year above us,” I said.

“Yeah, I know.” Philip wasn’t pleased at me stating the obvious.

“So how do you, like, know him, then?” Gemma voiced the question I wanted to ask.

“Badminton–he plays for the same team as me an’ Kylie.”

“He does?” I croaked in surprise. I mean everyone loved Craig Lloyd, he was clever and good looking and he was also good at sport. He was a very popular captain of the under fifteen’s rugby team, and one of the few boys not to tease or bully me.

“Kylie hasn’t long been a member of the club.”

“I wasn’t aware I was a member at all,” I said cynically.

“Yeah, Mum paid for it as a birthday present for you.”

“Glad you told me,” I said sarcastically, especially after she’d acted so badly the last time we’d played.

“Yeah, she wanted it to be a surprise.”

“It’s that alright.” It was too, especially to me.

“So, do you fancy going out with Craig?” Phillip asked Gemma.

“I might do.”

“If you want me to organise it, I’m gonna need a bit more enthusiasm than that,” Philip said bluntly.

“Well, alright then, like set it up.” As soon as Gemma said this, Philip pulled out his phone and speed dialled.

“The eagle has landed,” he said into his phone and laughed. Gemma and I looked at each other.

“Isn’t that something to do with the Apollo moon landings?” I asked, or some old film with Clint Eastwood? I had a vague recollection of Daddy watching it, he might even have it on DVD.

“How do I know,” shrugged Philip, “it was long before my time.”

“How do you know, Kylie?” said Gemma poking me gently, “I mean it’s hardly a girl thing, is it?”

“My dad is into science and stuff, I pick it up by osmosis.”

“Eeeewwch,” said Gemma pulling a face, “my dad is too, but I don’t.”

“So what do you learn, then?”

“What, from my dad?” she asked.

“Yeah, from him.”

“Mainly how to wrap him around my little finger–what else are dads for?”

“Okay, point taken.” I let her think I was in agreement, but I hoped I had more respect for my father than that–he was after all a decent enough chap, and he spoilt me anyway–recently, he’d also become quite protective of me, more so than he’d been when I was a boy. So I had no complaints, at the same time, I didn’t have to share it with them.

“See, we’ll make a girl of you yet, Kylie,” Gemma laughed.

“I think nature got there first,” challenged Philip, “I mean we’ve all treated her like a girl for much longer than she’s admitted it. I know you called her Kylie, ‘cos she told me and Karen always referred to her as Brian’s little sister, didn’t she?”

“Yeah, okay, we always like thought she was more girl than boy–and Mummy always thought she was a girl. We just didn’t correct her, which is probably just as well.”

I reflected upon this–it was just as well, Mrs Smith didn’t know–otherwise my nuts would have been toast, after I shared a bed with Gemma that night. They have always called me Kylie, and treated me as a girl, now I think about it. At times it irritated me–but maybe they were seeing things I couldn’t. I still can’t believe all of his arose because Mummy caught me dressed as a schoolgirl, the day of the aborted letter recovery. It’s perhaps ironic, that the person who had the most difficulty with my changeover was Brian, yet he precipitated it all. Without his harebrained scheme, I’d still be Kyle and pretending to be a boy. I wonder if I ever would have discovered that I should have been a girl, left to my own devices? Part of me doubts it.

“Hi, Craig,” called Philip to someone behind me, besides I was lost in my own thoughts. “This is Gemma, and Kylie.”

“Hi, Gemma, so you’re Karen’s sister?” Gemma blushed and went all shy. She nodded her reply. “One of the best looking girls in town, your sister…” I thought he’d just killed his romance prematurely then he saved it, “It obviously runs in the family, because you are too.” He took her hand and kissed it. A few months ago, I’d have pretended to make vomit noises, now I thought it was cute, if a little corny.

“You look familiar,” said Craig looking at me. “Kylie? Didn’t we used to call that rock music geek, Kylie?” I was blushing. “Geez, it is you, isn’t it?”

“Relax, Craig, it’s all above board–Kylie is transgendered or transsexual or whatever, which means she’s really a girl and is having treatment for it.” Philip came to my rescue. “I mean we all thought she was really a girl anyway, I mean Gemma’s mum always treated her as a girl and isn’t aware of the change over.”

“Yeah, okay, it’s kewl alright–it’s you that’s gonna be kissing her not me. Gemma’s all girl, I can see that.”

“So is Kylie,” protested Philip.

“What? she had the operation then?”

“No, but take it from me, she is a girl,” Philip reassured his friend.

“It’s true, Craig,” said Gemma, “she really is a girl.”

“Where we goin’ then?” asked Craig.

“There’s a couple of good films on at the multiplex,” suggested Philip.

“Sounds kewl,” Craig agreed and we got steered towards the cinema. In lots of ways it felt nice letting the boys think they were deciding what to do. Either Gem or I could have vetoed it with a single word, but we didn’t.

I offered to pay for my ticket but Philip refused my offer, Gemma didn’t even offer. I wasn’t sure who was doing it right, maybe we both were–all I know is Mummy told me the first time I went out with Philip, to pay my way, then the boy has no leverage to try and go too far. It made sense then and still does now.

We watched a chick flick which Gem wanted to see. It was okay and I was sniffing before the end, and Philip had his arm around me. I noticed that Gem and Craig were getting very friendly, trying to chew each other’s face off. So Philip and I had a few kisses too.

When we came out of the cinema, we went for a milk shake and then Philip walked me home. I think Craig may still have been getting his head around my change in status, but to be fair to him, he kept it to himself if he was having problems.

We arrived home at tea time and Mummy invited Philip to stay to eat, he was about to decline when she said, “Kylie’s cooking, aren’t you sweetheart?” It was the first I’d heard of it.

There are some advantages to being a girl, but equally, there are some disadvantages–treating boys as if they are helpless morons, is one of the latter, even if it’s often true.

Thanks to Gabi for express editing.