You have to understand that when I packed for this trip, sleepovers were not exactly high on the list of important things to prepare for. Thus, my selection of available night clothing runs to shorts and baggy T-shirts; stuff that can pass for a boy’s if I need it to. With my shaved and rather girly legs, this might be a bit of an issue, even if I add a sweater or hoodie to hide my shape. My only option? Repurpose some sweatpants and hope this all works out ok.

Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to hang with Tina and the other girls for the duration of this trip, but I know that being seen around so many other girls tends to make people see past the thin veneer of boy. Ugh, dominoes can kiss my delectable ass.

Back in my room, I changed into a pair of sweatpants and grabbed one of the oversized T-shirts that I had been using for sleeping. With a hooded sweatshirt over the top, I felt reasonably shapeless and bulky enough to get the job done. Tucking my hair into the back of the collar, I grabbed my supplies and headed off for a night of paradoxical adventures. I was both looking forward to tonight and dreading it at the same time.

I knocked on Tina’s door a few moments later and it was opened almost immediately. Inside, a grinning blonde devil in shorty PJs was greedily munching a bag of mini pretzels. She waved and hooked her thumb toward the room behind her. “Hey, come on in, macho man.”

I shot her a look as I stepped inside and hefted my offerings. “Looks like you got started early, I see.”

Tina shrugged and rubbed her stomach. “I’m hungry and I could do with growing a little bit.”

This girl is like, five foot two and skinny, she’s not entirely wrong.“Yeah, but you want to grow up, not out.” I indicate, poking her as I pass. “Where’s Sarah?”

Tina shrugged, “She said she was going to grab some stuff downstairs. Chlo and Em are on their way over.”

“I really don’t think this is such a good idea,” I complain. “As fun as it sounds, don’t you think it’s a bit risky?”

Tina made a face and shook her head. “No, not at all. Have some fun, Hol; you only live once. Nobody here would care if they knew anyway. They’re good chicks.”

“If they do care, I’m fucked,” I point out dryly. “If they find out that I’m a girl and have an issue with it then I’ll be exposed to everyone.”

Tina threw a pretzel at me, “Nah, your biggest problem is them being jealous of your boyfriend, I promise.”

I plopped down on her bed and snatched up the thrown pretzel and stuck it in my mouth. “They can be jealous all they want as long as they keep their hands off him. Mister tall, dark, and great ass is all mine.”

She shakes her head and smiles, “I have no idea how these fools can’t see you’re a girl.”

A knock at the door interrupts our conversation and Tina heads off to let the new arrivals in. I make sure I’m sitting back and looking as manly as possible. Basically just spread my legs and slumped. This feels so weird, I don’t know why guys do that.

Chloe and Emma enter with armfuls of snacks. It turns out the porky train had made a few stops today on its way to Gobble Gobble station. Beds are appropriated and snacks are spread out before us. As threatened, everyone is in their pajamas; which given that it’s winter and a hotel, is a variety of T-shirts, shorts, sweatpants, and tank tops. What? Did you expect everyone to be in frilly night dresses or silky chemises? Honestly, I don’t exactly feel entirely out of place, just a tad warm with the hoodie hiding my body.

“My god, have I told you how gorgeous your hair is Alex, why do you never let it down?” Emma asks, stuffing some toffee into her maw. “You always have it tied back and stuffed in your collar. It’s such a shame to hide hair like that.”

Jeez, we’re playing twenty questions already, my favorite. I shrug and try to look disinterested. “I just don’t want it in the way, that’s all.”

“Why not get it cut then?” Chloe asks, “I find my hair such a hassle sometimes but my Mom won’t let me chop it short.”

“You’d look weird with short hair,” Emma chips in, folding her friend’s hair up to mimic a short bob. “Your face would look kinda fat.”

“I don’t think so,” I offer, “Plus, you should do what you want, who cares what others think? I think you’d look really pretty either way.”

See? I’m a smart girl; compliment and encourage Chloe. This distracts her and everyone else from the questions about my own hair. I’m a cunning lil bitch when I want to be.

Chloe gives me an appreciative look, “so why don’t you let it down now? I want to see it.”

Fuck, dodged one missile right into the second.

“Heeeey, anyone for some little pastry things?” Tina asks brightly, waving around a little package of cinnamon-scented delights.

“Sure,” Chloe grins, grabbing one before pivoting her attention back to me. “Come on Alex, please? I want to see how long it is.”

I don’t think I get to dodge this one any longer, let’s hope I can afford a domino or two.

Reluctantly I pull my ponytail out of my collar, slip the tie off it, and let it flop down straight. “There, see?”

Chloe rolls her eyes and scooches over. “No, not like that, you can’t just let it flop, you’ve got to fluff it up like…” She trails off as she fluffs up my long brunette hair, letting it fall around my face, and just stares at me open-mouthed.

“What?” I ask, acting like I don’t know what she’s seeing. Chloe and Emma are staring at me and Tina is trying not to laugh behind them both. I avoid looking at her or I’ll lose my poker face.

“Alex, you’re… no offense, but you’re really cute.”

“Ah, uh, thanks, that’s what every guy wants to hear.” I bluff, crossing my arms defensively.

Chloe shakes her head, “No, I don’t think you understand. Please don’t be offended by this Alex, but you look really cute… for a girl. I thought you looked a bit girly earlier, but wow, like, you’re actually really pretty.”

I turn red, like, cartoon fire truck red. Think rising red level as steam starts pouring out of my ears and a blowoff valve on my head whistles, cartoon red.

“I uh…”

Chloe screws her face up. “God I shouldn’t have said that, it’s probably just your hair, do…”

“No, you’re right though,” Emma adds. “Before in the market, I was convinced that you were some girl that we just never really noticed in class before. When Chloe told me you were in the boys' school, I was like, totally shocked.”

“Guys, come on, you’re embarrassing him,” Tina interjects. “Alex, they’re just joking, you don’t look like a girl.”

At that moment, there’s the sound of a card in the door lock and it swings open to reveal Sarah carrying two bags of soda bottles. “There was a store just down the road I saw last night, it was still open, so we have drinks!” she beams, hip-bumping the door closed behind her and kicking her shoes at the wall. “What are we…”

You know why she stopped talking right? You know exactly why she shut up and just goldfished.

“Oh my god, Alex, you’re a girl… I knew it!”

Fuckiyaki Beef with spring rolls and egg fried rice. Why me? Who did I piss on in a past life to deserve this?

“Uh, no… I’m not,” I gag intelligently. “I’m a boy...”

Sarah places the drinks on the side table and shrugs out of her coat. “No way, nope, that makes so much sense now… the boyfriend, the denials, you never hang around with the guys… your voice, frame, everything. How the hell are you… why are you hiding out as a boy at an all-boys school?”

Jesus tittyfucking Christ, I say again, why me.

Tina steps up and touches her friend’s shoulder, “Hey, Sarah, dial it down. Alex is embarrassed, he’s not a girl.”

“Are you in on this?” she asks her roommate, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. “How come you and Alex ran off at the airport?”

“To get coffee, duh.”

“You were late at security, I bet your passport says you’re a girl,” she points out, looking smug.

I rub my eyes and sigh. I don’t think I’m getting out of this one intact, so it’s time to take the reins. “It’s… not that simple but you’re right and you’re wrong.”

“Alex…?” Tina asks uncertainly.

“It’s ok Tina,” I shrug. “I don’t think I get out of this without the truth. I told you coming tonight was a stupid idea.”

“You sure?” she asks again, balling her fists like she’s ready to take them all on. It’s weird seeing someone so tiny turn into a protector all of a sudden. She turns to the others and glares. “What Alex is going to say goes no further than this room, got it? Like, pain of death, got it?”

“Sure,” Chloe shrugs uncertainly, glancing around at the others. Emma nods and Sarah frowns but gives her assent as well. The whole room turns to look at me and I can feel a bead of sweat roll right between my shoulder blades.

With a sigh, I haul the hoodie over my head and finger-brush my hair. I sit upright and open my posture. “I am a girl, but it’s not that simple,” I admit.

There’s a couple of gasps as people take in Holly and realize they had been totally wrong, but right, but also wrong, but also right… you know what I mean.

“How are you in the boys' school?” Chloe asks, disbelievingly, “Is this some prank?”

And now I ruined the brief moment where I was just another girl. “Because,” I sigh, “technically I am; I’m transgender.”

“You want to be a boy?” Emma asks, “Why?”

I’d laugh if that was the first time I’d heard that. Trust me, It happens a lot more in life when you actually look like the sex you identify as and people find out that you’re trans. It’s probably the weirdest when doctors do it; oh boy they get a surprise.

“No, I was born a… boy,” I admit sheepishly. “I’m not one though… I couldn’t… be one.”

“Holly was born a boy, but she’s a girl like us in her heart and soul,” Tina Interjects. “She’s transitioning, which means she’s taking hormones, which is why she looks like us. She’s transferring to our school at the start of the semester, they’re making her finish this one out with the boys. That means she has to stay undercover as Alex till she can get out.”

“Oh my god, that explains the boyfriend,” Sarah breathes. “I knew I heard that right… no wonder you were dodging my questions, sorry!”

“Your name is Holly?” Chloe asks, “That’s really pretty.”

I nod. “It’s what my Mom and Dad were going to name me if I had been born a girl… like I was meant to be. I chose to keep it because that’s who I’m meant to be; their daughter.”

“That’s sweet,” she agrees. Her face changes as she realizes what started all this mess. “Oh god, I’m sorry… the hair thing… I didn’t mean to. Oh, and I said you were so… wait, that’s not an insult, is it?”

I chuckle for the first time in this landmine-infested conversation and smile. “No, not to me. Thanks for that, actually.”

“So like, none of them know, at all?” Emma asks.

“No,” I shake my head. “Well, not true, but it’s limited. Our teachers do, and yes, I had an issue at immigration.” I roll my eyes. “They thought my boy’s passport was wrong.”

“No shit,” Sarah admitted, raising her eyebrows.

“Hang on, you said boyfriend. Does he go to our school?” Chloe asks, zeroing in on the hot gossip like a laser beam.

“Uh, maybe?” I concede.

“Oh, she blushes!” Emma giggles. “Go on, who? You’ve got to tell us!”

“I don’t know if I want to say,” I shrug, feeling the heat boil out of my ears. “I’m… it’s still kinda new.”

“Ok, well… this needs some investigation.” Chloe grinned. “No names, but we do have questions.”

“And snacks,” Tina pointed out, offering a bag of fudge.

“Oh, the drinks!” Sarah slaps her forehead. “I totally forgot them in the whole ‘Alex is a girl,’ business.”

“Is he cute?” Emma asks slyly. “I know you don’t want to say who, but you have to tell us some about him.”

I smile as I think about Rick. “He’s kind and considerate; always putting me first. Gorgeous, strong. I feel so… special whenever he’s around.”

“Yup, she’s a girl alright.” Chloe giggles. “He sounds like a real treat.”

“So, like how did you know?” Emma asked the sixty-four thousand dollar question.

“That I’m a girl?” I furrow my brow. “How did you know?”

Emma makes a face, “I dunno; I just am.”

“Kinda the same,” I admit. “Ever since I knew there was a difference, I just knew I was meant to be on this side. It didn’t make sense. I had boy parts and to my parents, I was their son Alex. It never felt right… like wearing clothes meant for someone else; it felt awkward, ill-fitting, wrong.”

“That must be so weird,” she admits.

“Now imagine that nobody else can see the weird clothes that don’t fit. That restricts your movement, makes you feel swamped and uncomfortable all the time. They change everything you do; make it harder, separate you from sensation and feeling. Now imagine that everyone else fits theirs just fine.”

“Surprisingly easy to understand,” Sarah concedes. “That sounds like shit.”

“I’ve known Holly for a few months,” Tina admits, drawing everyone else’s attention. “We first met at Skyline, the gym thing school offers. She was joining me and the Byrne sisters for a doubles game and we ended up playing most weeks. Always thought she was a childhood friend of theirs that went to a different school.”

She looked at me and smiled, “You can imagine my surprise when I turned up at the airport and saw her tomboy ass lurking with the boy’s class.”

“I didn’t mean to lie,” I smile apologetically. “It was just nice being a normal girl for once… not, different.”

“Nah you didn’t lie,” she shrugs. “Technically you never once told me anything that wasn’t true. I would have done the same thing in your shoes.”

I got a whole bunch of questions from the girls that you’ve heard me answer before. Why do I have boobs? When did I know? What does the boys' bathroom smell like… the usual things. I do my best to answer them all as well as possible.

Thankfully the conversation eventually turns away from me, if you can possibly imagine that. I think that somehow I’ve survived this one. I have no idea why, but I think I lucked out here; four girls know about me and are seemingly ok about it.

I don’t really know Chloe or Emma, but they do seem genuinely nice. If Tina is cool with them then I guess they’re good. Sarah still feels like a wildcard, but time will tell. The cat is out of the bag and causing chaos, so I guess I have to make a thing out of this and see how it goes.

I accept a glass of soda from Sarah and drink deeply. The truth, it seems, is very thirsty work. Someone turned on the TV to a crappy movie. It’s in German, so we aren’t really paying that much attention. Now that I’m not quite such a major topic, we dive into the snackfest properly.

Sitting here hanging with these girls is actually really fun. Sure, we’re pigging out and chatting about literally anything and everything, but for once I don’t feel any pressure. Maybe trying to be Alex for this long now is actually hard for me? I haven’t actually been him for more than seven or eight hours in a row in months. Was it really October when I came out? God.

“Were you there last week? God, it was such a good game!” Emma enthuses. “The guys were on fire, they totally dominated. Johnson and Winters on the defense didn’t let a thing get past them.”

Tina snorts, “I don’t think she’s put two and two together yet.”

For once, I actually giggle along myself. “No, I don’t think she has.”

“What?”

“Who was that you were talking about?”

Emma frowns. “Kyle Johnson and Rob Winters, the linebacker and corner guard?”

“Wait, your last name is Winters, isn’t it?” Sarah interjects slightly faster than her friend.

“Wait, you’re related to Rob Winters?” Emma blinks. “But he has a little… Oh.”

“Cool transition from back handspring to foot in mouth there Em,” Chloe giggles before her face changes to shock. “Wait, now I know why I thought you were a girl when we first met! I remember seeing you at the games! You’re always with Megan and Kara Byrne. You three were always together and I just… assumed.”

“Ah, yep. I’m amazing at pulling off boy,” I smirk. “Rob’s my big brother, I always came to games to support him.”

“I don’t know how I didn’t put two and two together sooner.” Emma shakes her head. “Yeah, that’s it… wow, I had no idea.”

“You had no idea because you hit your head on too many landings.” Chloe snerks. At my blank look, she smiles. “We’re on the cheer squad, JV members.”

Who’da guessed it, me being tight with cheerleaders. Before you even think about hinting that I might try out for the squad next semester, this isn’t one of those billion trans-fiction adventures, so get your disappointment out of the way now.

And so it was that I ended up sharing a snack-filled evening with four of my future classmates. How the hell did I end up here? I’m thousands of miles from home and I couldn’t manage to keep myself hidden for a few measly days.

Honestly? I’m somewhat relieved. It was one thing to have the teachers know, but it’s another to have some peers that I can share myself with. This semester cannot be over fast enough, but I’m glad I’ll have more than Kara and Meg when I start next semester.

Thankfully, we chatted about far more inconsequential things than my messed-up self. Getting included in conversations about fashion, music, and boys was truly refreshing. Sure, I had gotten to have these conversations with the sisters, but those two were practically MY sisters. This felt more normal somehow… there was no secret here. Honestly, we were having such a good time, we kinda forgot to go to bed… yeah, all of us.

 

 

I woke up feeling a lot more tired than normal and with a pressing urge to pee. I was in a hotel room, but I was reasonably sure that it wasn’t mine. There was another body sleeping close to me and I was far too warm. Cracking an eye, I was met with an unfamiliar pillow. Turning my head, I spotted Tina, stretched out and fast asleep beside me, and from the feel of it, someone’s foot was on the back of my neck.

“What time is it?” A voice croaked from somewhere on the other side of the pile of bodies.

“Six,” someone groaned, “I need to pee.”

The bed shifted and footsteps padded away. I pulled some hair out of my mouth and cracked an eye. My view? Blonde hair.

I stretched, removed the leg, and rolled over, falling off the bed in the process. The jolt woke me far more successfully than I had imagined.

You did count correctly earlier, there were indeed only two beds. At some point during the night, both had been pushed together to make a better picnic space and as such, all five of us ended up curled up in various blankets and pillows in a general heap.

Pulling myself to my feet, I padded towards the bathroom and passed a sleepy-looking Chloe on the way. “Morning,” I murmured, stifling a yawn.

Chloe grunted something unintelligible in return and made her way back toward the bed. Diving into the bathroom, I closed the door and dropped my sweats before slumping onto the toilet seat. Vent procedure complete, I redressed and returned to the main room.

Other than Tina, who was miraculously still face down in a pillow, most everyone else was awake and either upright or in the process of redressing. No, none of us were naked, but various extra clothing got ditched during the night. It turns out a pile of bodies is quite warm.

“I’m going to head back to my room,” I offer, grabbing my hoodie. “See you all at breakfast?”

Receiving a general murmur of agreement from some of the heaps of flesh, I let myself out of the room. The corridor was thankfully quiet, so I scuttled back along the corridor to my own room in relative anonymity. Sure, being seen leaving a girl's room might be bro cred, but It’s also attention I’d rather avoid. Plus, who would actually believe that I had slept with a girl?

Once I’m back and safe behind the locked door, I’m able to properly go about my morning routine. My mouth feels like a hamster died in it after going to bed without brushing my teeth, so that’s my first port of call. After that, well, you don’t care for me to describe showering and washing of smelly bits, do you? No? Good, I wasn’t going to, you perverts.

Once I’m clean, I throw on a fresh pair of panties and a sports bra before dressing in my usual Alex drab of jeans, tee, and sweatshirt before shoving my feet into my Rans. With a final check, I stuck my keycard in my pocket and headed for the restaurant.

I got down to breakfast a little before seven and the place was still largely empty. After grabbing my food, I looked around to see who I could recognize from our group that was braving the early hour. Other than two guys I didn’t know, I spotted Chloe and Emma already sitting with their food. How the hell did they manage to make it down here so fast?

A little part of me told me that I should sit by myself or join the boys for the sake of my cursed masquerade. The louder voice, however, Holly’s voice, told me to just sit with my friends; who the hell even cared anyway? Decision made, I walked over with my head held high.

“Hey guys,” I smiled, taking a seat beside them. I’m pretty sure waking up in the same bed earns me a modicum of casual familiarity.

“Hey,” Chloe replied with more joy than I felt. “Last night was epic, wasn’t it?”

“It was pretty fun,” I conceded. “Though sleeping with someone’s foot on my head was kinda new.”

“She tosses and turns like crazy,” Emma rolled her eyes. “She’s been like that since kindergarten.”

“You two have known each other a long time then?”

Chloe nods, “Yeah, we were doing sleepovers and stuff almost our entire lives, we even did dance class together.”

“I think I can count last night as my first proper one,” I admit, taking a bite out of my Brötchen. It was kinda neat.”

“Your first? oh...” Emma caught on quicker than I’d expected. “Well cool! Glad we could be a part of your cherry pop experience.”

“Speaking of that, you never did tell us who it is that you’re dating,” Chloe leered playfully.

I rolled my eyes, “Who died and made you Sarah?”

Emma snickered at that comment, “She can be a little bit of a terrier at times, but her dad’s Chief of Police, so that’s no surprise really.”

“I’m just defensive about everything at the moment.” I sigh. “Plus Tina kinda joked that people might hate me more for who I’m dating than what I… am.”

“Oh she probably didn’t mean anything by it,” Chloe shrugs. “It’s got to be weird though for you... He goes to our school, right?”

“Yeah, it’s how we kinda fell into… whatever this is,” I admit. “I kept trying to deny my feelings for him and avoid it. All the while, he kept trying to be friends with me and we clicked. Somehow, I couldn’t resist catching feelings. It turns out that at the same time that I was trying to deny how I felt, so was he. The only difference was I was giving him a crisis of sexuality.”

“How do you mean?” Emma asks, sipping her coffee, enraptured by my revelations.

“I knew I was a girl, and that he was a boy,” I explain, glancing around to make sure we’re not being overheard. “I wasn’t particularly worried about being attracted to a boy.”

“Based on what he told me, his eyes saw a boy, but his mind and heart somehow knew that I was a girl. He started falling for me without consciously realizing what was happening. By the time he did, he was struggling with the idea that he was attracted to a boy.”

“Until he didn’t,” Chloe finishes with a grin. “That’s really freaking adorable.”

I nod, and my stomach does that little romantic flip-flop thing I’ve come to really cherish. “I never knew that loving a guy could feel so normal or so wonderful; being his girl, it feels… right.”

“What’s right?” Tina asks abruptly as she drops down on my other side, shortly followed by Sarah. “Morning ladies.”

“We were just discussing who someone is dating,” Chloe grinned conspiratorially. “A certain chica is being coy.”

“I mean, I would,” Tina nodded her agreement. “One that fine? She’s going to have a lot of jealous rivals come January.”

“God, I want to know who it is so badly,” Sarah groaned.

Does it really matter? They like me, they won’t care, right? Why am I afraid to say? A hold-over of Alex, let it go, girl…

I take a long draught of my coffee and swallow before placing the cup back on the table. “Rick Taylor.”

“Rick Taylor what?” Emma asks with a frown that turns rapidly to a look of shock. “No freaking way!”

“Yes way,” I hiss. “Inside voices perhaps?”

“Oh my god, he is beyond gorgeous, I totally approve,” Chloe beams. “That guy is so fine.”

“Yeah, Tina mentioned his unavailability might break a few hearts.”

“Not half,” she cackled. “He’s up there with your brother and Carson for top hotties on the team.”

I make a face, “Can we not put my brother on a pedestal like that? At least not while I’m eating. Plus he’s taken too.”

“He is?” Emma asked, a look of regret flashing across her face. “And uh… sorry.”

Thankfully breakfast conversation diverts away from my love life to other topics of far more mundane scope. The restaurant is starting to get busier, so it was probably wise that we kept this one in more discreet environs. The weirdest part is the girls have switched to Alex and male pronouns almost seamlessly, I’m rather impressed actually.

“Listen up everyone, I don’t want to have to repeat myself,” Frau Whistler announced loudly, immediately silencing the horde of excitable teens in the hotel lobby.

“Today will have a slightly slower pace than yesterday, but we will have some free time for you this afternoon to shop in Bonn. We’re making a historical stop first at the House of the History of the Federal Republic of Germany and yes, while I know this might be a little dry for some of you but we will be visiting the Christmas market down in Bonn after lunch. Right! Everyone off to your rooms, I want you down here ready to go in fifteen minutes!”

Dispatched, we scurried off about our ways like a horde of rats. Teenagers getting organized is a mess at the best of times, now? Well, it’s a blessing we get anything done at all. I didn’t take long to get myself sorted because Alex drag is super easy; I was already in it. I grabbed my bag, my camera, and my coat and scooted off downstairs.

“Alex, can I have a word?”

I look over and spot Frau Whistler standing with Herr Norton to one side of the lobby, both looking a little weird.

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Ah, I don’t quite… how should I put this,” Herr Norton starts out, blushing. Danger Holly Winters, Danger.

“We overheard a student mention that you were seen leaving a girl’s room this morning,” Frau Whistler continued, raising her eyebrow. “I’m sure there’s an innocent explanation, given… certain circumstances. Nothing untoward occurred, right?”

Well, this is awkward. On a scale of one to ten, it’s a solid fifteen and I turn bright pink on the spot. “No ma’am, nothing at all… that’s… gosh, no.”

She smiles and gives Herr Norton a glance that seems to read, ‘I told you so.’

“Ma’am, nothing remotely inappropriate happened. We were… ah… hanging out, and we all just fell asleep.”

“Miss Booth and Miss Appleton’s room I presume,” she raises an eyebrow. “I assume this means that there are new members of the circle. Who else?”

“Yes ma’am, Sarah obviously,” I admit, “Chloe Johnson and Emma Newman too, Ma’am.”

“No problems?” Herr Norton chips in, “Nothing we need to worry about?”

“No sir, everything is fine, they’re really great.”

“Ok, on your way then,” Frau Whistler offered, dismissing me to join the others now arriving in the lobby.

Well, that was embarrassing, but hey, when is anything ever simple in my life? I expect if someone saw me this will be mentioned today. At least I’m now aware of it and not on the back foot. For once I might be prepared.

“What was all that about?” one of the guys, Danny Masters, smirks as I leave our educators behind. “You in trouble now, Winters?”

“Probably about him being caught in some girl’s room.” a guy next to Gary chips in. “I heard Pete mention it at breakfast.”

“And what are you getting up to in there, Winters?”

I smile politely and I quickly evaluate my situation. Teachers in close proximity, risk of pounding is low. Must distract in boyspeak to remove any suspicion of Holly. Situation: ripe for a low blow. “Well, your mom wasn’t available Danny, I had to improvise.”

I dart off before he can remember to be pissed off. The trail of laughter behind me lets me know his mates have turned on him now. Do I sail too close to the wind sometimes? Yes, but it sure as hell distracts attention from me. I’ve learned to be an expert deflector over the years.

The journey out to the history museum wasn’t particularly long; Just like heading into Cologne, it was about twelve miles with the usual city traffic, so we were parking outside the modern structure about forty-five minutes later. German city traffic is as bad as ours it turns out, who knew?

The museum told the story of Germany after the Second World War. Now most Americans I’m sure know that period of history pretty well, or at least, the high school version; war in Europe, America arrived and saved the day. Obviously, it’s a lot more complicated than that and nowhere near as clean-cut.

This place told the story of the post-war recovery of Germany, the Cold War, and the eventual reunification of Germany into the state it is today. It was humbling and it was honest without any punches being pulled. Its overall modern aesthetic also served to tell us history in a far less stuffy way. It used pop culture and props to really drive home the changes. Despite Frau Whistler’s warnings about stuffy history, it seemed most everyone was highly engaged.

After a brief stop at the gift shop, our horde reboarded the coach and departed towards the center of the city and the Christmas markets beyond. Want me to describe more of those? Nah, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to a hundred. It was quite different from Cologne, but it was also incredibly similar. It did allow us to stock up on treats and various foods that we had since hoovered. Whoops.

Did I just buy food? Of course not. The markets contained plenty of crafts and unique products offered for sale, most of course, with a seasonal theme. Still on the lookout for suitable gifts, I managed to score big with a couple of real winners.

I found a great big wooden nutcracker shaped like the classic soldier for Dad. For Chrissie, I found a beautiful wooden carved figure of a girl in a red cape and a white dress holding a wicker basket wrapped in holly and ivy in her arms. The cute part? The basket was hollowed out to hold a stubby little candle. Neat, suitcase-suitable, and uniquely German; I was on a fine run here.

Our second day in Deutschland was more relaxed than my first two, but only slightly. Was I getting myself into more trouble now that more people knew about me? Absolutely, but at the same time, it hadn’t spread further and my friends accepted me as one of them, what more could I ask?

The truth was, I was likely sailing far closer to the wind than was realistically sensible, but what teenager can remain objective one hundred percent of the time? I couldn’t live the life of a penitent nun, all while watching my friends have the times of their lives. Nobody could manage to remain perfect through all of that. I just had to manage when I let Holly out.

I know it must sound insane, but being the boy I had outwardly presented as for years was very difficult now. It was exhausting and it was physically draining to keep up the mask. Having let Holly out of the bag and allowed myself to grow as my real self, had separated me from an act I had played so well. This trip, even for a few days, had thrust me into far more Alex time than I had been experiencing at home. Being Holly with a few friends even for a short while was a pressure relief valve.

“Oh my god, I heard, like, amazing stuff about this Pimkie place from my pen pal, we totally gotta go check it out!” Emma enthused, dragging Chloe towards what appeared to be a high-street fashion emporium. We had been given some shopping time after the markets to explore Bonn as long as we promised not to get into too much trouble.

Fat chance.

“Coming?” Tina asked, slowing down to walk beside me.

I eyed the place and shrugged sadly, “Nah. I would love to, but... reasons.”

“Nobody would notice,” she pointed out. “Live a little, girl.”

Really, I did want to, but I also knew that it would be the one time someone I knew would see me.

“Nah, another time.” I defer, spotting a fitting excuse. “I think I’ll pop in there and get something for Rob, I have a decent idea of what to get for him.”

“A toy shop?” Tina queried, raising an eyebrow. “Getting him a dolly?”

“Kinda,” I grin.

The toy store I had spotted is massive. This place is spread over several floors and seems to carry literally everything you could possibly imagine, from plushies through to video games. The interior was like a child’s fantasy land with massive displays and the German favorite, Playmobil everywhere, even life-sized!

I wandered around aimlessly staring at the incredible displays of model trains and dolls feeling a little nostalgic. Hey look, I may be a girl, but I’m still a nerd, and nerdy stuff does interest me.

On the third floor, I found what I had been looking for; scale models. See, one thing you don’t know about my brother dearest is that he loves airplanes. Like Dad, he’s obsessed with the things. He doesn’t talk about it in school because he thinks people would call him a geek, but I genuinely believe he might actually have a future in aviation.

While I had gotten the others various German gifts, I wanted to get Rob something special; a model airplane in the German airline Lufthansa’s colors. Dad might be an aeronautical engineer who specializes in military projects, but Rob wants to be an airline pilot. I’m pretty sure he will be really happy if I can find him something appropriate.

A quick look past the various model kits and train sets and I find a selection of diecast models of various aircraft from the dawn of time through to the modern era. After a few minutes of searching, I find a Jumbo Jet in the blue, white, and yellow of the German flag carrier. It’s a little pricey at fifty Euros, but I think Rob will love it.

A voice behind me makes me jump, clutching the box to my chest. “I thought that was you.”

I blink up at Gary and swallow, “Uh, hi.”

Gary shoves his hands in his pockets and nods at the airplane in my hands. “Thought you’d be over the road with those girls. I’ve barely seen you apart since we got here.”

“You got a problem with that?” I frown, straightening up and giving him a death glare.

“That’s not as intimidating as you think it is,” he chuckles. His look shifts and I can’t quite read it for a moment.

“I was getting Rob a gift if you must know.” I point out, waggling the airliner, hoping that invoking the violent wall of brother might remind him of the threat that has kept him quiet.

“I figured,” he shrugs. “Airplanes aren’t really your thing, are they princess?”

I elevate the death scowl to level two. “Don’t call me princess, Gary.”

Gary, in his defense, steps back and holds up his hands, recognizing my look is one or two levels below significant risk to his blood supply. “Easy, ok? I’m sorry. I don’t know when you became so touchy about shit, dude.”

“Are you going to get out of my way so I can get back to my friends?”

There’s almost a pained look on his face, but he complies and moves out of my way.

“Thank you,” I murmur acidly as I pass by him, not even giving him the satisfaction of looking at him.

I leave him behind me and don’t give him the satisfaction of looking back. Being alone with him like that felt different now; colder. I’m not sure how to talk to someone that I know doesn’t like me as a person. Once, we were good friends and I would never have considered being afraid of him. Now? Gary is physically stronger than me and he holds power over my ability to remain hidden. If I hadn’t been so emboldened by our being in a public place like this I might have acquiesced and placated him.

I pay for Rob’s gift and head straight across the street to where the girls are still tearing apart the clothing store. Frustrated at Gary’s words, I head inside without even a pause to reevaluate my decision. Who does he even think he’s calling Princess?

 

There will be a one week break for Christmas due to my traveling to see family. I will resume posting Fake It on the first week of 2025!! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, io Saturnalia, or however you vibe. See you soon, it's only going to get way better!
Alyssa.

 

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