I woke up the next morning feeling an unexplainable flood of calmness. Perhaps that’s the wrong word to use, I know exactly why I’m happy, but for some reason, the world seems more full of color and light today. Is this what living without depression feels like? Shit, you should really try it.

Again, I’m still not curled up in a pretty nightie with my hair in rollers, this isn’t that sort of book. I’m not hiding though, and It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. At the time, I couldn’t explain it in words that made sense. Modern-day Holly would tell you that it feels like a bra that is too tight but makes your boobs look amazing. You wear the damn thing all day because you just have to look perfect and at the end of the day, you take that monster off and just feel free.

I roll out of bed and take care of my morning routine before wandering downstairs to grab breakfast. Unlike in the past, I’m just wearing the oversized T-shirt and shorts that I had slept in, my hair is loose and my chest is visible; I’m not hiding who I am anymore. Would I like to be wearing girly girl shit from now on? Absolutely, but one doesn’t transition overnight and I am nothing if not patient. I’m just glad that I don’t have to hunch all the time. Hiding who you are twenty-four hours a day is truly exhausting.

I stroll into the kitchen and scruff Rob’s hair as I pass, making a beeline for the coffee pot. I might not be hiding my true sex anymore, but I’m still a slave to the caffeine gods.

“Morning squirt.”

“I thought I was Spike now?”

“Nah,” Rob shrugs. “Squirt still applies at home; Little bro or little sis, it’s a privilege of age.”

“Great,” I sigh shoving a pop-tart in the toaster. “What are you doing today?”

“Going to school, then gonna go hang with some of the guys later, probably,” he replies around a mouth of toast.

“I don’t think I’ll get any more invites to bro time at the mall, total tragedy that.”

“Probably not,” he admits with a chuckle. “I wouldn’t want them scamming on my sister. Although, that one time you did, it helped you get some cool points at school; Ironic that.”

“How so?”

“You finally climbed the social ladder only for it to turn out you never wanted to be on it to start with.”

I bite into my piping hot pop tart and chew thoughtfully. “That’s pretty accurate. They’re nice guys and I certainly see a different side of them now, but I never ever wanted to be one of them.”

Rob shakes his head. “This is going to be so weird if you come back to our school.”

“I probably am for now. Most likely until Christmas, at least.”

He looks me up and down and simply smirks. “Not sure how you’ll manage that.”

“Same way I’ve been doing it this entire time,” I shrug with resignation. “Layers, slouching and scowling. Works a charm.”

His face changes and he just looks sad. “God, now I get it. That sounds truly awful, Holly.”

He didn’t even pause when he used my name, I don’t think he realized how much that meant to me at the time.

 

 

I knocked on the front door of the Byrne house later that afternoon. Turns out a day of rest, reading, and letting myself heal was more important than doing girly things instantly. Just being Holly while openly and authentically made it all worthwhile.

I’m dressed down in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt, playing the role of grungy Alex the weedy nerd. Despite my entire reason for coming here being makeup and fashion, I still have to run the gauntlet of Gary and the Byrne parental units who are not yet in the loop. The strange part is that while this mode of dress has been my norm for so very long, it now feels so utterly false.

I suspect the truth is that I finally opened the box and realized the cat was alive and well. The poison didn’t do anything and she’s sitting there licking her paw like nothing is wrong, annoyed that it took me this long to open it. Schrodinger never took cats into the equation in his calculations.

Mom and Rob accept me, and Dad does too, by all reports. It’s early days, but I might actually get to live my life as Holly Winters. I never thought I’d see the day that happened if I’m being honest. I know that sounds ridiculous given what I’ve done so far, but in truth, it all felt very theoretical.

I’m in uncharted territory and my plan is shot to crap. I’m making this up as I go along now, but the overriding truth is that my future is female. That knowledge has banished my identity as Alex to nothing more than a suit of armor, a disguise. Is that weird? Yes, absolutely. It feels like I’m an alien in a people suit, or is that a people in an Alien suit?

Gary opens the door and raises an eyebrow. “Oh, it’s you. How are you feeling?”

“Uh, yeah, could be worse I guess. The Doctors released me without any permanent damage; just some stitches.” I smile like it’s no big deal. “Is Meg in?”

“Not in school today so it can’t be homework? What’s really going on?”

“It might be schoolwork,” I offer.

“Don’t be daft, you spend more time with my sisters than you do with me. Next, you’ll be telling me that you’re gay and swapping fashion tips with them.”

“He’s not gay,” Megan announces swanning past her brother and wrapping me in her arms. “We’re in love Gary, I’m sorry, I can’t hold it back any longer, Alex.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” he gags.

Megan and I are holding each other, bodies pressed together and she looks at me, her face mere inches from my own, and raises an eyebrow. I totally mistranslate this question and grin back at her. Meg, reading entirely the wrong signals and permission before diving in and planting a big wet one, right on my lips in full view of her brother.

“Oh god, that looks so wrong.” Gary gags and flees the scene with great haste.

Meg detangles herself from me and smirks. “Well, that got rid of him.”

I’m not quite sure what just happened, but it was very weird. I must have looked like I had just swallowed a lemon because Megan started laughing when she saw the expression on my face. “Yeah, that didn’t do a thing for me either.”

“What was that for?”

“He’ll never bother us again if he thinks there’s any boy/girl shit going on. This also protects your rep ‘stud’,” she chuckles.

I roll my eyes and follow her into the house. “Like I ever had any reputation to protect.”

Yeah, if you’re keeping track that was technically my first kiss. Coincidentally, it rather succinctly confirmed that I have zero interest in girls; no sapphic shenanigans in this story, I do apologize. In years to come I will have many female friends with Guitar Center membership cards, but I will sadly never shop there myself.

Once we’re safely locked in her room, I toss my sweater over the back of her chair leaving me in just a tank top and jeans, before I plop down on the bed next to Kara. Right now, she’s wondering what we’re both cackling about.

“She just kissed me in front of Gary, and on the lips too,” I accuse, jabbing a finger toward Megan.

Kara makes a face, “Ew, why?”

Meg shrugs, “To get him to butt out and absolutely guarantee he spreads that story.”

“I’m pretty sure Meg is attempting to use camouflage to hide me, but I seriously question its effectiveness.”

“It’s not the… worst idea,” Kara concedes. “The fake girlfriend thing could totally throw them off.”

“I have no idea how long that would even be necessary,” I point out. “I know I’m going back to school in the short term, and it’s not awful there. I’ll probably be ok till we have some sort of plan. Honestly, It would likely just confuse things more. Perhaps something to keep in the bag in case we need it?”

Meg shrugs and agrees.

“I cannot tell you how good it was to see you and your mom together yesterday.” Kara smiles, changing the subject to far more pressing matters. “I’m so freaking happy for you, Holly.”

“Now is when I gotta be extra careful,” I sigh. “Rather than one big lie, I get to live one foot in the open and one in the shadows. It’s going to be a lot easier to make mistakes now; to forget who I’m meant to be at a given time.”

“Don’t try and be Alex and Holly,” Kara suggests. “Be Holly all the time, but wear a mask that looks like Alex. If you’re always Holly, you’ll never slip up.”

I ponder the suggestion and it does actually have some merit to it. With everything unraveling so quickly in my life, I’ve not really had the time to process the actual mechanics of how I’m going to cope. I absolutely want to live my life out of school as the real me if I’m able to.

Switching back and forth between ‘Alex’ and ‘Holly’ will become complicated. Being one hundred percent Holly, and using an ‘Alex’ mask would allow me to remain centered in one personality but keep control. Will it be weirder? Oh god, absolutely; this is about to be as weird as hell.

“I think that would work,” I admit. “I’m always the girl, but at school, I just put up an Alex mask, but behind it, still Holly.”

“Yeah, it will help you remember better; that way you don’t make mistakes.”

“Can we skip to the fun part now?” Meg asks, almost bouncing with energy, “I wanna start going through stuff!”

I hold my hands up and laugh, “Ok, ok, relax! I submit myself to your will, Megan. Do your worst. Just remember what Mom said; nothing permanent ok?”

“Right missy, down to your underwear! The time for modesty is long over.” Kara announces, gesturing at my jeans and top. I consider resisting, but I reject the idea. That’s what Alex would do and Alex is long gone. I pull my tank over my head and unbutton the jeans and let them drop to the floor. Standing there in just my sports bra and panties, I rest my hands on my hips and smile sheepishly.

“You’re enjoying this, huh?” Megan asks, handing me a real bra.

“I thought you were too big?”

“I am,” she agrees, “but I got this the other day after we went shopping for more sports bras. same band but an A cup instead, so it should fit you just right.”

I give her this look that is half smile, half hug with my eyes and shamelessly pull the sports bra over my head. I don’t cover myself; for once in my life I have nothing to be ashamed of about my body.

Megan shakes her head and grins. “You’ve sure have changed your tune girl. I remember not so long ago there was this shy little creature who was beat red at the vague idea of nudity.”

I shrug, which is such a strange gesture topless because I feel my boobs bouncing. “I am still, but I have nothing to hide from you two. I trust you and I’m not ashamed of looking like me.”

“And you have nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie,” Kara adds. “You’re gorgeous and brave and absolutely no different to either of us.”

My expression darkens. “A bit different sadly, but I can’t do anything about that yet.”

Meg squeezes my shoulder as she hands me the bra, “no different.”

She helps me fasten and adjust the bra and I follow her instructions to reach into the cups and settle my boobs properly. Looking down, I see my small but very much real boobs lifted up and presented front and center on my…well, front and center.

The mirror on Megan’s wall shows a teenage girl. She’s a little on the plain side, but still, without a doubt, one hundred percent female. I can’t tell you how long I’ve dreamed of seeing her looking back at me. I smile and turn to face my teachers, “what’s next?”

“The teen girl staple, the denim mini,” Kara offers, handing me the garment. “This one is a bit small for me, and your hips are slightly narrower so it should fit great. I’m far too fat for it.”

She’s absolutely not fat at all and I make sure that I tell her so while I slip the garment up my legs and around my hip. It's a pretty normal shade of blue denim and it comes to just above mid-thigh. Modesty is not the intent of this garment, but my very first mini looks like it belongs on me. The feeling is unusual. If you’ve never worn a short skirt, trust me, they’re strange at first. You feel incredibly exposed, but you do get used to it pretty quickly. They’re certainly great for ventilation, that’s for sure.

Next, Meg hands me a camisole which is pretty self-explanatory. It’s pale blue and has thin spaghetti straps with a little trim of lace around the top edge. Pulling it down like a tank, I settle it around my chest and turn to face the mirror.

Looking back at me is a casually dressed teenage girl and it takes me a second for my brain to process that she is, in fact, me. The skirt and cami are really simple staples but they feel amazing after shapeless boys' clothes. The skirt sits at the widest point of my hips which somehow looks even wider now with these clothes. The cami comes down to just above the waist of the skirt leaving just a thin sliver of skin around my middle where they don’t quite meet. The top exposes the rounded tops of my breasts and the smallest hint of depth between them.

No, it’s not cleavage. No A-cup titties in the world are going to give you cleavage without tape, padding, and serious mechanical interventions. What I have is noticeable boobs that look like they belong on someone of my frame. Everything looks like it belongs and I am absolutely living for it.

I twirl around and beam at the two sisters. Both are standing there like proud mothers regarding their creation. Sure, it’s just some clothes, but I feel so powerful right now, it’s almost indescribable. Trust me, I’ve tried, I’m writing this book and I can’t think of a better way of phrasing it.

“Thank you.” I grin. “This… this feels so right.”

“From where I’m looking, I’m jealous,” Kara grins. “Now if you’re quite done preening, it’s time for the serious work.

“Lets do this.”

Opening my mouth here was a huge mistake on my part. Giving these two animals permission to use me as their fashion doll was undeniably fun, but dear god, they never stopped. During that morning, I think I tried on more clothes than I thought two girls could possibly own. Tops, skirts, pants, bras, nightwear and dresses. It’s quite literally a transgender girl’s dream come true. I would spend an entire chapter describing the feeling of the fabric in explicit detail or how the cut of the hem brushing against my thighs felt. What is it these stories always mention? Oh yes, how the gentle swell of my breasts in the cups of the bras heaved with each breath. Doesn’t quite work that way, but hell, you’ve read that frilliness in every other story. In this one, we have far bigger fish to fry.

After roughly two hours of changing in and out of various clothes, I had a nice pile of stuff that was being donated to the Holly collection. Yes, I know it sounds like I’m a famine in Africa, but hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I’m modeling my favorite outfit of the bunch, just staring at myself in the mirror. It’s not even anything particularly amazing, but I feel like a billion dollars.

I’m wearing this stretchy navy blue long-sleeve top that has a wide sweeping scoop neck that shows off my collarbones and the top of my breasts without showing too much. It’s cropped and comes up to just an inch or two above my belly button. Below, I’m wearing this cream skater skirt with this chunky brown belt. Sure, it’s not some tiny miniskirt, but it swishes, and I really feel so pretty when I’m wearing it.

I have a bunch of bangles and rings on that the girls have donated to the cause and I’m just moving slightly in front of the mirror, enjoying the feeling of the skirt as it moves against my legs. The bangles are shifting on my wrists, clinking softly and my hair is loose and flowing around my shoulders. I feel like a princess and I am truly joyful for the first time in my life.

“You’re happy aren’t you?” Meg asks sliding up beside me.

I nod, still watching my hair move in the mirror. “Yeah, think I am.”

“There is no way you were meant to be a boy,” she murmurs, nudging me with her shoulder. “You, me and Kar, we’re no different. Sure you started out on a different path, but anyone would be a fool to see you differently.”

“Tell the world that,” I sigh, losing a little bit of the happiness I’d been savoring. “They might disagree with you.”

“I do hope they let you come to our school.” she continues, pointedly ignoring my bout of pessimism. “Kar and I will take care of you. Nobody fucks with our girl.”

I smile and hug her. “That’s everything to me, Megan.”

 

 

Walking home in girls' clothes, no, my new clothes, feels both liberating and terrifying. In time, I expect it will simply feel like walking home. Once, that idea seemed so very distant, but now, it feels like it’s just around the corner.

After we were done for the afternoon, Meg distracted Gary and her parents while Kara and I snuck out with the two bags of clothes they were donating to the New Girl charity. The CIA should really recruit us, we’re fantastic at keeping things secret.

Kara and Meg are walking with me and I’m so excited to see Mom and Rob when I get home. Just being here with my best friends feels like the most correct thing in the world. What really worries me is how I’m going to pack this away when I have to get back to school. They never include this in the trans stories, do they?

Caught up in the excitement of how I was feeling, I had almost forgotten that to the rest of the world, I was technically a boy. When the first car passed us, I sudden and crippling bout of panic. Irrationally, I was convinced against all odds that the driver would screach to a halt and proclaim me ‘boy’ at the top of his lungs. Picture the whole village assembling with pitchforks and flaming torches coming out to banish the freak, and you’ll have a reasonable idea of how my idiot mind was doing loops.

After a few cars passed and even some dog walkers I began to slowly relax. I didn’t ever mention this terror to the girls, because I didn’t want to appear silly. In my head, I knew how I looked, but a little part of me still told me that I was wrong. Call it internalized transphobia or just plain nerves, but It was scary.

Modern Day Holly here; Even twenty years later, and utterly convinced by all facts that nobody has a damn clue, I still occasionally feel this way. It makes no sense, but then, brain worms never do.

“You’re fine Hol, nobody could possibly tell,” Kara assures me, knowing exactly why I’m tense. “They see a girl when you dress as a boy, how could they even begin to see through your panties and work out you’re only a little different?”

“Ew see-through panties,” Megan giggles.

“Don’t be gross,” I join in, snickering at the idea. “Who would wear see-through panties?” wouldn’t the plastic be all sweaty anyway?”

By the time we turn the corner onto my street, we’ve become a gleefully galavanting giggling gaggle of gals. Yes, that alliteration does go hard, I do agree.

The walk is largely uneventful and we cover the distance in the usual few minutes, even walking slower and chatting. As we reach my house, however, I stop dead in my tracks. In the driveway ahead of me is Dad’s car; he’s home.

“Oh shit,”

“Your Dad?” Megan asks stopping beside me on the sidewalk. “He’s cool, right?”

“Apparently he is, but I’ve not exactly had a chance to find out for real.” I mutter. “I didn’t really want to dive in at the deep end in case he’s weird about this.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. Your mom said they’ve both known for ages right?”

I shrug and frown. “That doesn’t stop it being scary.”

Kara grabs my hand and squeezes. “We’ll come with you to meet him then get out of your way, ok?” We’ll be there.”

I take a deep breath and we make our way up to the front door. My heart is thumping and I feel quite nauseous. Seem like an overreaction? Sure, it likely is, but when you’re in my shoes you see things very differently. To me, Mom and Rob’s acceptance and my happiness now could be totally undone by Dad saying no. If he rejects me, it might as well all be for naught. It’s irritating to be this negatively minded, but it’s how I learned to survive.

I unlock the door and tentatively make my way inside. We ditch my booty by the door and head through towards the kitchen where we can hear voices.

“Mom?”

“Honey, is that you?”

No time like the present, I guess. I steel my nerves and walk through the doorway into the kitchen to face the music.

“Hey, uh, I’m home.”

Dad is right there beside her at the counter with a glass of wine in his hand. I suppose I’d want a drink too if I was about to deal with my errant child’s gender fuckery.

I smile nervously and can feel sweat beading along my hairline, “uh, hey Dad.”

He just looks at me, there’s no judgment, theres no anger or pride or sadness. He just looks at me. It’s almost like he’s trying to take in every detail of my appearance like we’ve never met. To this day, I’ve yet to find the courage to ask what he saw that first day. When his child came home dressed like a teenage girl. A girl that looked indistinguishable from her friends. Was it the death of his son, or the birth of his daughter?

“Alex? Is that you?”

“Michael, it’s Holly, we discussed this.”

Dad shakes his head like’s clearing a fog. “Are you ok? How are you feeling?”

Well, it’s a good thing he remembers that I got the crap knocked out of me at least. That it’s top of his list of questions over ‘why are you wearing a skirt’ means a lot, I suppose.

“I feel fine Dad, honest. The back of my head’s a little sore still, I have a few stitches, but I’ll live.”

“I swear, if that school doesn’t…” he trails off, and I can see him clenching his fists. I’ve seen my Dad angry before, but never clenched his fists and wanted to hit something angry.

He looks up and seems to spot Meg and Kara standing awkwardly beside me. “You’re…Holly’s friends, right?” he asks uncertainly. “Thank you for, ah, being there for…her.”

“No problem Mister Winters” Kara offers. She turns to me and squeezes my arm. “We’ll get out of here, good luck girl, you got this.”

I give her a quick hug and watch my backup leave. They did the hard bit and got me in the door. Now, the rest is on me.

Rob joins us in the kitchen, sensing it’s time for the family pow wow and I turn to face the music.

“So…”

“Yes!” Mom agrees. “Now seems as good a time as any, so off to the living room you lot, I’m not doing this standing up.”

“Can I have a beer?” Rob asks, “I feel like I’m going to need a drink.”

“Nice try Robert,” Mom chides, “you’ll manage, I’m sure.”

Rob’s dejected theatrics make me giggle a little and I know he’s playing up to lighten the mood, I appreciate that.

In the living room, we all find a spot to sit. We have a couple of sofas so I end up sitting beside Mom, while Rob and Dad sit across from us. I feel like we already made a pretty big statement by doing that, and I’m positive that it’s Mom’s express intention.

“So, I’ll start, shall I?” she begins, looking around at everyone. “Obviously Chrissie isn’t here, talking to her will be your job, darling.”

I nod, I was going to do that later, depending on how this afternoon went. “Dad,” I start, looking across at my father. “I’m really sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” he frowns.

I sigh, “I was never the son you wanted me to be, I’m not like Rob. I couldn’t… I guess now you know why.”

Dad shakes his head. “I should be the one apologizing to you, kiddo; I kept pushing you towards sports and trying to get you to do more manly things. Taking you hunting, fishing, those father-son weekends. I was trying to relate to you the way I did with Rob and I can see that wasn’t what you needed.”

“I appreciated it though,” I smile gently. “I do like spending time with you even if I was always just sitting in the boat reading while you fished.”

He smiles back and I feel safe knowing that he truly loves me. He might not know how to relate to me for the moment, but I can sense his love. I suddenly feel rather foolish that I ever doubted them.

“I didn’t expect things to come out this way,” I admit, going for the main topic. “I suppose I was afraid of what you would all think of me. I had planned to wait until college and then…well, my plans sucked.”

“We were more worried that you were hurt darling,” Mom admits. “After that, this all didn’t seem quite so important.”

“But it is,” I reassert, looking at them all in turn, “it is important.”

I stand up and I stand before all three of them and hold out my hands beside me. “This is who I am, I won’t demand anything, but I really need to be myself. If I have to wait until college, then so be it. I’ll go upstairs now and change clothes and pretend to be Alex until I graduate if I have to. The truth is, it would be pretending; I’m not Alex, not him.”

“I’d really like to be allowed to live as myself, as Holly, if you would allow me to. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I know it’s not what you had planned for me, but it’s what I have to do. This isn’t new or a change; this is who I’ve always been. I’m the same person and I think and feel and react exactly how I always have.”

Mom stands up and hugs me as the tears start falling down my cheeks. I pretty much stress vented my entire opening argument and I’m not sure what I have left in the tank. I know it must be frustrating to you the reader to see me being so wildly bipolar, but from my perspective at the time, it was still very much all to play for. My life was up in the air and I didn’t know what the next day would bring. The last few days had drained me dry and I was operating largely on hope and caffeine.

“We wouldn’t dream of making you wait until college, Holly.” Mom answers softly. “Everyone here, we are a family. We love you and we want you to be happy. It’s going to be a difficult road but it’s one we’ll take together… once you’ve told Chrissie, that is.”

Oh yes, sister at college in Chicago, that’s going to be a fun phone call.

She continues. “Your father and I have suspected this for a long time and we’ve known for long enough to know we both just want our child, our daughter,” she continues looking over at Dad, “to be happy.”

“It’s going to be a difficult road, Holly.” Dad agrees. “I love you unconditionally; never question that. Is it a surprise to see my youngest child before me looking like the spitting image of her mother? Yes, it’s quite a surprise. Does it suit you? Absolutely.”

I think that’s the sweetest thing he’s ever said to me.

I walk over and I reach out towards him, taking his hands as he offers them. “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry I couldn’t be Alex, that I couldn’t be a boy..”

“Just don’t cost me as much as Chrissie.” he chuckles softly, a silly smile on his face.

“Actually, given the medical treatments required, she’s going to cost you more.” Mom offers unhelpfully.

Dad’s face does a weird series of contortions as he calculates what I’m going to cost him. I think now might be a bad time to ask about a prom dress, maybe when I’m thirty.

Mom guides me back over to the sofa and sits me down. “I’m glad we have that sorted; it allows us to move on to far more important issues, like how we move forward from here.”

“Do you mean like school?” I ask tentatively.

She nods. “School specifically, but life in general. I think it goes without saying that we’re all in agreement that she can live as herself going forward. What’s going to matter most is how we approach school and proper medical care.”

“Like a psychiatrist?”

She nods, “A Gender specialist specifically. I’m going to make some calls and see what we can set up.”

“Are you seriously expecting her to go back to school as a boy?” Rob asks, speaking for the first time. “I know she’s not really changed that much since last week, but I don’t think I can see her that way anymore.”

Mom shrugs, “She may have to initially, Robert, but that will depend on the school. We’ll arrange a meeting and we’ll talk to them about what they would want to do and make a plan. She might need to go to an entirely new school.”

“Like public highschool?” I ask uncertainly. It would be scary being alone without any friends at all.

Mom makes a face. “I’d rather not, but we will see. I assume if we can, you’d want to join Megan and Kara?”

I nod, “I really do. I know my status would be known, but I can almost live with the idea, knowing I have friends. Enough in my life is changing already without an entirely new school to handle.”

“I’ll look after you, sis.” Rob offers. “If you have to come back to our school, I’ve got you.”

“I’ve managed so far,” I opine. “They see what they want to see and it’s not been too bad.”

“I don’t think we’ll have any Brandon-shaped problems.” Rob scowls. “The team’s on your side there.”

“They probably wouldn’t be if they knew that I was sat here like this.”

Rob chuckles. “I don’t know, I think more than most would be ok with you, somehow.”

“So the plan,” Mother interjects, “is for you to take the week off to ensure there are no lasting effects of the concussion. We will make an appointment to see the principal.”

“Now would be ideal,” Dad offers. “With the attack, they’ll be bending over backward to accommodate us, so bringing up our second issue at the same time would be beneficial.”

“You think that they will be more likely to work with us?” Mom asks.

He nods. “They’re partially liable and whenever ambulances end up rushing students off campus, there’s PR to manage and parents to appease. Keeping us happy would be in their best interest, especially if we frame it as for her safety.”

I feel like an asset in a merger, but I know that Dad knows his stuff when it comes to lawyers, deals, and leaning on companies. If he thinks he has a way of making the school do what we want, I’m down for it.

Sitting here with my family while we discuss my future is a surreal experience. I’m dressed like any other teenage girl and my family knows. They’re calling me she and her and using my real name. I know it’s partly the estrogen, but I keep wanting to burst into happy tears. Who would have guessed that getting my ass beat would have ended up being this good for me?

I’m ok with the idea of going back to school as Alex in the short term. I know that it’s only temporary and I won’t have to hide myself at home. Would I like to go straight to the Girl's School after my week off is up? Sure, but that’s just not realistic, unfortunately.

What does the future hold? This week at least, it’s going to be meetings and doctors and Principals. I’ll have my family behind me, so let’s see what happens. For the first time in my life, I’m cautiously optimistic about the future. Holly Winters will have a life, but it’s going to require some careful steps first.

Oh, I do enjoy living in a minefield.

 

 

I was getting ready for bed later that evening while I pondered one of the most consequential days in my life so far. Anyone who tells you emotional exhaustion is any less wearing than physical has clearly never experienced it.

I was brushing my teeth in the master bathroom of the Winters family home wearing a pair of silk shortie pajamas that Meg had donated to the cause. I wasn’t hiding who I was, nor was I afraid of the future anymore. My parents loved me, my brother loved me and we had a plan for the future where I might actually get to live my life as the girl I knew that I was truly meant to be.

Is this the end of the espresso depresso segment of the novel? Yes, yes it is. I cannot begin to describe the relief I felt that evening. I felt lighter, I felt freer than I ever have in my young life. I felt safe and I felt seen; that is a far better drug than caffeine.

“Are you heading to bed, honey?” Mom calls, sticking her head around the door.

I nod, rinsing out my mouth. “Mhm, I’m early done.”

She smiles and stands there leaning against the door jam while I finish up. “You’re very pretty darling, I don’t think I’ve had a chance to say that yet.”

I blush bright red. I mean, this is new territory for me; being complimented on my feminine features. “Thanks, Mom.”

She gestures at my loose hair. “Do you want me to braid that for you before you go to bed?”

I nod and smile, “Yeah, that would be nice.”

Mom steps in behind me, and I watch in the mirror as she takes my hair and begins weaving it into a braid behind my head.

“Is this weird for you still?” I ask quietly.

She shakes her head. “No, I suppose it’s actually something I’ve been looking forward to. Once I came to terms with who you really were, I think I started to dream of being able to do the things I did with Chrissie, with you too. Although, that did depend on you letting us know who you were. I had started to worry that you wouldn’t come to me.”

“I was so scared Mom,” I murmur sadly. “I hoped you’d be ok with me, but I just… I was so afraid of the worst case that it became my obsession. I suffered for so long with the world telling me how wrong these feelings were, how it was sinful and disgusting it was to feel this way.”

Mom smiles sadly over my shoulder as she braids my hair. “I cannot begin to imagine how that felt for you, baby. The truth is that you have me now, and you always will. I will always love you and I won’t let anyone hurt you.” she smiles.

As she finishes my hair, she turns me around and kisses me on the forehead. “I love you Holly Juliette Winters. Now no more dallying; boy or girl, you’ve still got a bedtime.”

Parents; you love them, but they still have to go and slap down the law like that. Being a teenager has its drawbacks, I guess. Just this once, I skip out on the angsty response and comply dutifully. She’s earned a fair few parental air miles over the last few days, so I think I can give her this one… but just this one, mind; I’m still a teenager after all.

 

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