I staggered down to the Kitchen that Friday morning in a total heap. For whatever reason I have struggled to sleep this week. No, before you say it, it was not because of big sexy dreams about a particular Rancher’s son who played wide receiver for the Elsworth Lions.

Modern Day Holly: Yeah, writing this I can see how you might see Rick as a huge fat stereotype of the love interest. The Football playing, popular, corn-fed all-American boy who is the masculine yet sensitive son of a rancher. It's an utter bodice ripper prime trope is it not? The problem is, I assure you he is unfortunately very real. More on that later.

“You look exhausted,” Mother opines as she sips her coffee. “Are you sure you’re ok to go to school?”

“Uhuh,” I complain, dumping my bag on the table next to me. “Just a rough night again.”

I catch a maternal hand on the forehead as she places toast and coffee in front of me. “You’re not running a fever, any other symptoms?”

“Just tired, not sure why.”

“Well if you can’t think of a valid excuse, I’ll be packing you off to school… what’s this?” she asks, pulling the half-exposed form for German class from my bag.

“Uh field trip for German class.”

“And I’m guessing it’s not to the local Christmas Market, right?”

“Uh, the actual ones in Germany, week, the start of December.”

A delicate eyebrow is raised. “When were you going to tell me about this? It’s due to be handed in today?”

“Oh, I forgot.”

I didn’t forget, I left it this late by accident. You might say it’s ‘just too late’ to get signed off on. I knew she’d want to talk to Dad and he’s away for a few days on business. I guess she won’t have time now, it's such a shame!

Frankly, I’d love to go, but I fear my ‘personal’ issues with Immigration and TSA might be problematic.

She reads the form and frowns. “Talk about last minute, Alex. I’d normally want to speak to your Dad about this first but I’m sure he’d be ok with it. I’ll get the forms for your passport when I’m in town later.”

Shit.

“You’re sure Dad will be ok with this?” I ask skeptically. “I know I left it so late, it’s my fault I can’t go.”

I get another eyebrow. “We spend twice this on Rob’s football needs in a school year. You never ask us for anything and you don’t play any sports so I don’t see why not. You do want to go, don’t you?”

“Well, yes, it would be quite exciting,” I admit. “I’ve never been to Germany and it would make my classes way more relevant.”

“Then you shall go to the ball Cinders,” Mom declares as she signs the damn form. I think my private little yay at being called Cinderella is overshadowed by the worry about flying like this. Why do I manage to hop from frying pan to fire so regularly?

Traveling to school with Mom is quite a different experience from driving with Dad. When I’m driving, she doesn’t criticize me for the little things like he does. It’s not that she’s not observant or I’m a bad driver, rather, that Dad can be a bit nitpicky at my style. I’m maybe a little more cautious on the road than he’d like, but I value protecting my car over driving like I own the road.

“You should invite that friend of yours over some time,” Mom offers as I pilot her Mercedes C class through the morning traffic.

“Hmm? Who?” At that moment I’m convinced she means Megan or Kara, but my list of friends isn’t that big.

“The one you went to see last week, Rya, no.…Rick?”

Uh oh. “I could,” I concede slowly. “I would feel quite inferior though; we don’t have a ranch and horses. I'm sure he’d be bored just playing games.”

“It’s just polite,” Mom continues. “Anyway you both play games and watch TV, you can go for a walk. There’s plenty to do. We don't exactly live in a slum.”

Do I want Rick anywhere near my house? I’m not sure I want to face that, given the circumstances. I suppose it would be better than his parents thinking I’m his girlfriend again...

“I’ll think about it, ok?”

She smiles. Mission accomplished; parent satisfied.

A few moments later we pull into the parking lot at school and both hop out before she settles into the driver’s seat. “I’ll see you tonight, alright darling?”

I give her a hug. “See you, Mom, I will.”

“Get me some passport photographs before you get home this afternoon, do you hear me? Do not dally around with this until it’s too late, Alex.”

I sigh. “Yes, mother.”

I’ve never been so sad that my mother said I could go on a foreign holiday.

When Gary, Meg, and Kara arrive at the common room fifteen, I’m sitting cross-legged on a sofa with a huge cup of coffee in my hands entirely untouched. Instead, I’m just staring at the wall across from me, inhaling the steam.

“Are you alive Alex?” Gary asks, giving me the strangest look. “You look almost comatose.”

I shake my head and focus on him. “Huh?”

“Are you ok?”

“Nosleeptired,” I mumble incoherently. “Wannagobackbed.”

Meg drops down beside me and starts leafing through her homework. “Thanks for the help on that physics last night, it made the difference.”

“Huh? What physics? Purple nail pol… OW, HEY.”

Without warning, Megan had elbowed me in the ribs like a convict shanking their favorite corrections officer. Somehow I’m barely able to maintain control of my coffee, although the little that does escape jolts me awake when it hits my thigh. “What was that for, bitch?” I complain rubbing my ribs.

“Whoops I slipped sorry! She grins theatrically. “Nothing wrong here eh? Just thanking you for the physics help, ALEX,” she repeats, emphasizing my name.

“Don’t call my sister a bitch you dumbass,” Gary scowls.

“She deserved it,” I glare back, giving her the slightest wink that he can’t see. The pain and the hot coffee snapped me awake enough that I realized I was about to casually let slip our nail polish adventures rather than our study cover. I need to get a serious grip on myself.

“Are you sure you’re not dating? You two are like an old married couple.” Gary stares at us both suspiciously. “Somethin' is weird here and I don’t like it.”

“What if I’m the one dating him?” Kara asks innocently from beside her brother.

Gary looks both suspicious and disgusted by the idea and I’m actually starting to have fun. “I’m dating them both Gary, I’m sorry to tell you this, but they arranged to take turns.”

“I preferred you miserable,” he scowls back at me crossing his arms. At least then you weren’t putting horrific images in my head.”

“Oh, Alex darling,” Megan coos as she leans over towards me. “If only he knew what we did in my room.”

Gary gags and I can’t help but laugh at the entire scene. Maybe this is what being happy feels like. It’s certainly better than feeling cut off from the world.

The bell rings and we head our separate ways to the salt mines of learning.

 

 

You all know how pep rallies work right? The entire school body gets ‘encouraged’ down to the sports hall and made to watch the band, the cheerleaders, and the football team perform their little social dance to encourage us to give a shit about high school sports. It’s a carefully managed little dance to engender us with ‘school spirit.” without really giving us a choice. God, I sound so cynical, don’t I?

The truth is, I would probably have some school spirit without it being forced on me. After all, I had Rob to cheer for and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was cheering for my friend Rick. Yes, just a friend, nothing more.

I can see you judging me, sod off.

The rallies always took the same format for us; the whole school piles inside and takes up the bleachers in what usually hosts our Basketball and netball games. The band plays from their area, the cheerleaders do some routines and skits and the team is introduced. Us being a swanky private school, there’s none of this name on a T-shirt business. No, the team wears dark slacks and red blazers with the team crest on the breast pocket. It’s very pro team at a major event and honestly a lot classier looking.

Carson the Quarterback gives a speech and the principal espouses the team’s successes to date. This week, we’re up against Southerton High; a local school with a pretty decent reputation, this should be arguably a tougher game than our first couple. Once everyone wraps up their speeches, skits, and various announcements, it’s time for a parade through the school grounds led by the band.

I spotted Meg and Kara hanging with a group of girls as we filed out to join the procession. They seemed happy; chatting and giggling away to each other. God, I long to be part of a group like that. To be able to chat and laugh with my girlfriends at school would be absolute eutopia. Kara spots me from across the crowd and gives me a little hand wave. I think she saw and wished the same thing too.

We go through the theatrics before we’re dispatched back to our afternoon of learning. For me, that’s Algebra and Chemistry with a rather relaxing double period of art to end the day. Art is one of the classes I truly love. Sure I was really into my sciences and knew what I wanted to do with my life, but art was something I truly enjoyed for the simple pleasure of creating something. It gave me an outlet; a way of expressing myself and honestly, I wasn’t exactly terrible at it.

I let my brush stroke lightly across the canvas as I put the finishing touches to a piece I had been working on since the start of the semester. It was a rather stylistic painting inspired by fantasy and comic book art that featured a sorceress wearing a long flowing robe. She was reaching out towards the viewer as she cast a spell, the light from the apparition playing off her skin and clothing as she channeled her passion into the act. I’d always envisaged it as an emotional moment and secretly, I saw myself in her pain and fury.

“The object source lighting here is excellent, Alex, I love the texture.”

I glance up at Mrs Canterbury, my art teacher standing just behind me. “Thanks, I wanted to really make it feel sharp and raw, kinda felt like being really smooth in my transitions didn’t tell that story. Does that make sense?”

She nods and points to the worn fabric of the robe. “I like the overall tone of the materials, nothing is too smooth, you choose to use texture in your brushwork to transition shades and it allows a far more elemental and vivid emotional response. This had better be for your portfolio?”

I glance back at the painting and nod. “Yeah, I think it is a keeper.”

“There’s a lot more emotion in your work this semester Alex,” Mrs Cantebury continues, still taking in my painting thoughtfully. “Prior works were accurate; you had good technique but it was very by the book. What I’m seeing now is a lot more expression and feeling. Not sure what you’re doing, but keep it up.”

‘Oh I’m just on large quantities of female hormones and it’s pushing my body through the correct puberty. I can finally open my eyes and feel like I’m the person I’m meant to be and I don’t want to play self forever sleep roulette.’ I don’t say…

“Thanks, I think I’m just in a better place at the moment.”

She smiles at me and continues on to the next student. Am I happier? Objectively yes. This year isn’t going the way I had planned but it’s not the worst problem to have in my situation. I might complain, but being ‘too’ girly has never exactly been a downside for me. Might it cause some problems? Yes, but not ones I can’t resolve. At the end of the day I’m positive that the source of my expression is the fact that I’m doing something about my biggest problem; being Holly Winters.

 

 

“Come on Rob! Smash him!”

“You are so into my brother,” I giggle over at Megan as I stuff more nachos in my mouth. “You want me to put a word in for you?”

“Don’t you dare Holly!” she gasps slapping my arm, a look of panic on her face. “Don’t you dare say a word to him!”

We’re sat a little bit away from most of the supporters. For mid-season games, we tend to have a bit of room to spread out before the playoffs. I’m rather glad of that fact at the moment as both of them are unapologetically calling me Holly. I’m also not acting like much of an Alex either; fuck it, who cares.

I decided to risk things a little bit tonight and I probably shouldn’t have in hindsight. I’m wearing the jeans that Rick’s mom gave me after the Creek incident. They’re not super tight but they fit me well; they could I guess pass for tighter boys' jeans if you didn’t look too closely. Most importantly, I know they’re girls’ jeans and it makes me feel better. With a baggy oversized sweater and my Rans sneakers, I feel like I can pretend I’m just another casually dressed down high school girl out here hanging with her besties at the game.

The game is in its third quarter and it’s been a bit of a nail-biter so far. We’re down twenty-six to twenty-nine and the Southerton guys are proving to be a rather tough challenge for our guys. Rob’s been battered black and blue and the rest of the team doesn’t look any better.

There’s a stoppage, and the coach pulls the right wide receiver and two other members of the offensive line off to replace them with substitutes.

“Hey look! They’re playing Rick!” I point out excitedly as I see the twenty-four jog out onto the field with the new players.

“She doesn’t like him,” Kara tells her sister theatrically. “Nope, not interested at all.”

“Shut up,” I growl with as much menace as I can manage. Look, I’m allowed to root for my friends. I know how much this means to him, I can certainly relate to wanting to be seen for who you are rather than what others think. He’s a good player too; I’m glad he’s getting time on the… Fine, yes, now I see it too.

The play starts back up again and I can sort of make out what the coach was planning from up here. I’m no expert, but I can see them filtering their plays to the right-hand side of the O line and towards a rather fresh Rick’s position.

The play kicks off and the quarterback, Carson catches the ball. He sends it long towards Rick’s side of the field and I watch the bodies surge in his direction. Almost like magic, the offensive linemen surge and crash against the bulk of the Southerton guys and Rick intercepts the pass.

I fight the urge to yell and scream as he runs the ball forward. The team is screening where they can but soon he’s clear of our guys and only has three of the defense left to handle. He dodges the first one, then a second player but as he reaches the line, the final opponent grabs him, and the two swing around. He looks like he’s about to stumble but he manages to keep his feet and he breaks free. Right as he’s about to be jumped by four guys, he manages to turn and lunge across into the endzone; Touchdown!

“Yes! Go Taylor!” I yell, jumping to my feet like the rest of the crowd. God, my heart is racing. I almost felt like I was down there with him.

“Aren’t you still meant to be pretending to be a boy?” Megan asks as the celebration dies down and we return to our seats.

“Yeah, I am. I have to,” I reply confused by her statement.

“Then why are you bouncing around screaming your ass off and making moon eyes at certain football players?”

“Am not,” I huff, crossing my arms and staring away pointedly NOT at Rick or any of our players. “It’s just school spirit.”

“Girl, you’re an awful liar.”

Kara steps into my defense. “Leave her alone Meg, she needs to let her chick flag fly sometimes, we just gotta make sure nobody else notices.”

“I’m not being that girly,” I complain.

Both sisters give me this look that translates to ‘Are you sure about that?’ and I sag. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Nobody’s noticed anything, they’re all more focused on the game.” Megan shrugs. “Don’t worry about it.”

“But I have to,” I sigh, the fun gone from the moment. “If I let myself slip at the wrong time I’m in serious trouble.”

“You’ve got to admit at some point that you like him,” Kara needles gently. “It’s ok, you know?”

I fidget awkwardly. “I have no problem admitting that I like boys,” I concede, refusing to look at them. “Just that one in particular.”

“Why? Liking him doesn’t mean you have to do anything about that.”

“I don’t want to give him any signals or let myself slip and risk that someone will see me like that.”

Kara squeezes my arm comfortingly. “Fighting it won’t help either, it’s painfully obvious that you’re into him, honey.”

I sag and simply nod. “Ok fine, I really like him ok? Being his friend is so difficult because it means that I get to see firsthand what a wonderful guy he truly is; he’s kind, sensitive, and gentle. He’s perfect and I cannot possibly have him, or any boy right now. Window shopping might be ok, but it’s pretty awful when you can’t ever have the dress.”

“I get it,” Meg replies with a smile. “It won’t be forever though, ok Holly?”

We’re having this touching little moment and my guard is entirely entirely down. Factor in for a moment, that Megan has just said my real name. We are not paying attention and it lands us in hot water number forty-five of the story so far.

“Hey! I thought that was you guys,” a female voice calls out from just along the bleachers.

Now remember, I’m wearing form-fitting jeans with an oversized sweater and my hair is out of my collar. Look, it gets irritating tucked in there all the time. Not only that, but I’m pretty much the same size as both Megan and Kara, and we’re sitting close together in the way girlfriends tend to do. Nothing here is screaming boy, truth be told, it’s not even whispering it softly.

A girl appears beside us and plops down on the bench. She’s a little taller than me and she has rich dark hair that flows around her shoulders in gorgeous waves that compliment her caramel skin.

“Oh Hey Moni,” Meg smiles. “You here for Ricardo?”

The girl rolls her eyes, “Yeah, but coach has had him benched all game, total waste of his talent.”

“Yeah, he’s making some weird calls tonight.”

She nods and makes a little ‘what can you do’ gesture. “I came over to find out if you got Miss Walker’s problems done in AP Algebra or not? How far did you get?”

“Third page,” Meg sighs, “It’s doing my head in.”

“Barely got past two so far,” the girl grimaces before she notices me trying to blend into the nopeness and her expression brightens. “Oh, hey, sorry, rude of me, Monica Carlos. I think I‘ve seen you around school…?”

Gulp, she probably has seen me in passing or with the girls but probably can’t place why or where right now. This isn’t going to be ideal if she does.

“Oh, uh, maybe,” I fib, “ah, hello.”

“Meg said, Holly, right? You go to our school?” she looks down and sees the crest on my sweater and rolls her eyes. “Silly me, course you do.”

“I uh, um, Holly ah, yeah.” my mouth is dry and I’m stumbling over my words. “Uh, my brother plays.” I thumb towards the field.

“Neat,” she grins. “My boyfriend, he’s on the team too; Ricardo Sanchez.”

I recognize the guy and nod my acknowledgment. He was there with Rob and his friends at the mall, remember RJ? I’ve seen him around school, I think he’s one of the seniors. This is getting messy fast and I’m entirely out of my depth. My pea brain has pretty much factored that she thinks I’m a girl, but she’s trying to work out why she hasn’t seen me around. I’m pretty sure my only saving grace is my guess that she’s a senior like Ricardo.

“Uh, I’m a junior,” I squeak, “like Megan and Kara.”

“Ah,” she grins, “That explains why I don’t know you. I’m in AP Algebra with Megan so that’s how we know each other.”

I smile politely and feel untold relief when she turns her attention back to math problems and Megan. I chance a quick look at Kara who is trying to decide if she wants to giggle at my nerves or join me in sweating. This isn’t a situation I had wanted to get into and we had sat ourselves away from the others to allow a little freedom. We had hoped that people would be focusing their attention on the game, not their fellow spectators. The problem was a small but troubling pile of lies was forming.

Another girl now knew that my name was Holly and was under the impression I was a junior at the Girls’ Division and our social circles were problematically close. While not high, so a chance meeting wasn’t entirely impossible. It was only my fairly recent addition to that social circle that had prevented this meeting from being super weird already. After a few minutes of chatter, Monica returned to her friends with a little wave. Don’t get me wrong, she seemed like a nice enough girl, but I really didn’t need to risk more problems at the moment.

“That’s a potential problem,” Kara frowns. “Good job we don’t move in the same social circles as her that often.”

“Yeah,” I grimace, “but I might.”

The girls look confused so I explain the predicament. “Ever since Rob got me to come hang out with him I’ve started to actually know some of those guys. Now add in Rick entering the scene, I’ve actually hung out at least twice voluntarily with those guys. I expect she sometimes hangs out with him too.”

“Oooh.” Kara joins the grimace train. “That is a problem.”

A cheer goes up from the crowd distracting us as our guys kick a field goal to supplement the touchdown. The excitement gave me a little reprieve from my worries, but it’s yet another straw on the camel’s back, straws intent on breaking it. Just like the match, my grasp on my tricky situation is a lead, but it’s a slim one.

In the end, our guys won by that very same narrow margin, one point; 30-29 to the Lions. It’s not a stomping but it’s a win. One they had to work far too hard to achieve. I can sympathize with that right now.

I tuck my ponytail back inside my sweatshirt and adopt my Alex hunch as we make our way down from the bleachers at the final whistle. It’s not quite as chaotic an atmosphere as the first games of the season but it’s a win and the team are still celebrating. I’m a little more reluctant to get too close to people since my run-in with Monica so I hang back and let the girls take the lead as we try to find Rob in the crowd of people.

“Hey squirt,” he grins as we find him chatting to Carson and Face over by the tunnel. “You guys good?”

“Yeah,” I shrug. “You ok? Looked rough out there tonight.”

Rob shrugs and for a moment I see past the big brother facade to the boy. “Yeah they were a little heavy-handed but I’m good, thanks, Alex.”

“I didn’t want your ass getting demolished out there, you’re my ride remember.”

He grins and ruffles my hair irritatingly. Why do tall people do that to us short folk? It’s rude.

“We doing West’s?” Carson asks the group.

“Gotta take these losers home and I got more homework than I wanna think about,” my brother grimaces. “Gonna have to be a rain check for me, dude.”

“I’m always down,” Face grins.

“Pretty sure you don’t got a home to go to dude,” Rob laughs. “Catch you guys, gonna head now.”

With a wave and a clatter of cleats, he jogs away down the tunnel to goes to get himself changed out of his uniform. After a few minutes of idle conversation with the others, we make our excuses and head out towards the parking lot to wait for Rob.

“You didn’t go say hi to Rick,” Meg observes as we walk.

“Nope,” I agree. “I guess I must have missed him in all the excitement, so unfortunate that, eh?”

“So, certainly not avoiding him on purpose.” she opines, eying me slyly.

“Certainly not. That would be incredibly childish and irresponsible.”

“Oh, of course not, no; not something a mature young woman would ever consider doing to solve her emotional problems.”

I roll my eyes but smile at the same time. That’s actually the first time someone’s ever said young woman to me and it feels incredibly right.

“You realize you’re basically being Meg at age thirteen right?” Kara chips in. “She pulled this same shit and still does it.”

“That’s not your place to say!” her sibling retorts playfully.

It’s one of those things I love about the Byrne girls. They tease and they dig but I know they have each other’s backs when it matters. I really wish I had that kind of relationship with either of my siblings but both age and gender have played a big part in that whole mess. It’s one I wish might have been very different.

Chrissie, my older sister, and I were once very close as children but as she grew, having her little brother hanging around wasn’t seen as cool. I sadly got kicked to the sidelines, which hurt especially badly given that I was in reality, her little sister. The pains of being transgender never let up, do they?

Rob; well he’s been fantastic if I’m objective, and what teenager is? He went out of his way to protect me and to show me kindness and I loved him for it. We might not be the relationship he thought, but I value him a great deal. More than he could possibly know.

“Oh hey, guys!”

Oh shit.

“Ah, hi Monica,” I smile politely. “Not heading to West’s with everyone else then?

She makes a face and crosses her arms. “No, Ricardo didn’t want to go because he didn’t get to play.”

I give Megan a wide-eyed ‘DANGER” look and use my eyeballs to suggest we should get rid of her. Yes, it looked as stupid as it sounded.

“You riding with him?” Megan asks leaping onto the ‘get her out of here’ train. “I’m sure he wants to leave after such a crappy day on the bench eh?”

She seems like a lovely girl and is, by all accounts pretty smart, but she doesn’t pick up what is being put down at all.

“Wait, this is Rob Winter’s car, right?” she asks looking back at me, “You’re Rob Winter’s sister?”

Gah, fuck.

“Uh, yes she is, but I think she’s got to… wait, is Laura waving at you Monica? Over by Sally’s car, I wonder what she wants?” Kara nudges with zero subtlety to try to dislodge our pesky conversationalist.

“Hey girls, Alex,”

Triple stack fuck burger with double fucking cheese.

"Rob, hi!” Monica beams, “Great game tonight.”

“Thanks,” he grins puffing up a little. God you predictable male, brother mine.

“I was just talking to your sister and I was like wow, so crazy huh?”

“Chrissie?”

“No Holly, silly,” she beams doing that wobbly head grin thing some girls do.

Oh no, please no…

“I knew you had an older sister but not a younger one too.”

I’m frozen there, I have no idea what to do right now so I’m useless for my own defense. My world is collapsing and I can only stare blankly at the middle distance.

“Rob, don’t we have to go for that thing?” Meg calls out, moving swiftly to the car door. “You said you’d get us back for… you know?”

“Yes!” Kara grabs my arm and drags me towards the back door and waits for a dazed Rob to unlock the car before stuffing me unceremoniously inside. “Haha, great joke Monica, see you at school on Monday!” She calls piling in after me.

A few moments later, a very confused-looking brother climbs behind the wheel and turns to look at us.

“What was all that about?” He asks, eying us with suspicion. “Why were you rushing me out of there and what the hell was Monica Carlos on about sisters?”

Thankfully Kara is on her game. “She was picking on Alex, calling him a girl, the sister quip was just her being a dick.” she rolls her eyes theatrically. “We just wanted to get out of there Rob.”

“Seriously?” he growls, his expression turning dark. “Fucking assholes are not going to do that in front of me. I’m going to give that bitch a piece of my fucking mind.” In a heartbeat, the door is open and he’s starting to step out of the car when I give up.

“Rob, wait!”

“One of you tell me the truth right now or I’m going to tear some chick apart,” he orders. His tone is not exactly encouraging but I don’t really have a choice anymore. Shit.

“Rob, it’s… Rob I uh… She didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kara interjects, “Rob, we’ll tell you everything but we’re not doing it in the parking lot at school. This isn’t the place for this conversation. We’ll tell you everything if we can go someplace a bit less public, ok?”

He looks like he wants to protest but he simply shrugs and slams the door. Without a word, he starts the car and pulls out of the lot and into traffic.

“What are you doing?” I whisper to Kara, “Aren’t we sticking to...?”

“With Monica's big mouth and him in the same social circles, this could explode in front of other people if you don’t do this now. This is your opportunity to get ahead of it. We could just explain earlier and move on, but this is a chance, ok?”

I stare out of the window and into the growing darkness as we drive away from school. My heart is in the pit of my stomach right now and I don’t want to confront this mess at all. I want to retreat back into my shell and hide because it’s easy. The status quo is safe, even if it hurts in the long run.

Rob pulls the car into a small park near home and shuts the engine off.

“Hey, Meg, go take Rob over to those benches, I need a word with Alex first,” Kara tells her sister. With a nod, Meg gets the message and takes Rob away before he can protest leaving just the two of us in the car.

“Take your sweater off,” Kara tells me. “Here,” she pulls her T-shirt over her head and hands it to me.

“What the hell are you doing? No, why?”

She looks at me, and it’s this motherly, kind, yet firm expression that I seriously hope I can master one day. It tells me ‘I know best, and you should be quiet and just do it.’

I shrug and pull my sweater over my head. Underneath, I’m wearing a looser shirt that I shrug off with it until we’re both sitting in the back of the car in our bras.

“Here, pop my shirt on, ok?” she offers handing me her far more fitted blue top.

I pull the top on feeling more than a little uncertain as to what her end goal is here. I trust Kara, absolutely. Whatever she thinks is right I’m willing to do.

After she shrugs on my baggy shirt, she pulls my hair out of the tie and finger combs it out until it's flowing around my shoulders. She nods approvingly and cracks open her handbag and sets to work on my face.

“Not that I don’t appreciate a makeover Kar, but why now?”

“Quiet,” she chides me as she outlines my left eye with a liner pencil. “If you’re going to be telling your brother, he needs to see the whole of you. He needs to see Holly at her best, not Alex at her worst.”

I can see her logic, but I’m so scared. I’m just glad someone else has a plan at the moment. Without the girls here I’d be a gibbering wreck of a girl. Kara finishes up with a few swipes of Mascara and traces my lips with a sweet-scented gloss. I can’t see myself at the moment, I’m sitting in the back of my brother’s Chevy in the park, but I can feel my hands shaking.

“Beautiful, Holly Winters, just beautiful.” Kara nods and smiles. “I’m going to go talk to him with Megan, when I call, you come and join us, ok?”

“What if this goes wrong? What if he tries to hurt me, or he yells and tells Mom and Dad?”

“Hush baby girl, he won’t, I know it,” she soothes. “He loves you, it's plain for anyone to see. Trust me on this, ok?”

I swallow and nod, and she gets out of the car and walks across to where the others are talking. Rob looks pretty miffed with both of the girls. I probably would be with this level of secrecy and subterfuge. Kara starts talking, and Rob seems to focus intently on her. The window is open and I can hear voices but can’t hear the exact words that they’re saying as the breeze carries them away.

I slouch down in my seat and try to quiet my violently beating heart. About forty feet away, my best friends are telling my brother that I’m really his sister; that the boy he grew up with is really a girl. I won’t lie, I’m freaking out inside my head, but I’m doing my best to keep my cool. I’m so glad that Meg and Kara are here and are doing this for me. I think on my own I’d have been a gibbering mess.

“Hey, Holly?” Megan calls softly as she approaches the car. Her words snap me out of my fog and I glance over.

“Is he mad?”

She sees what Kara did to me and smiles. “You look beautiful girl, and no, he’s not mad. Let's go see him huh?”

With a reluctant sigh, I slid out of the car and nervously adjusted my top. I feel so utterly exposed right now, everything I do to hide Holly has been stripped away, leaving her on full display. I’ve never actually been out in public as one hundred percent girl, add to that seeing my brother? Dear god, I’m shaking.

“Come on girl, don’t be afraid, ok?”

I look at Megan and grin sheepishly. “My heart is beating so hard right now.”

Megan reaches over and takes my hands in hers and smiles. It’s a simple thing but I feel so safe all of a sudden. Gathering all my strength, I keep hold of one of her hands and turn to face the two figures a little way off. Taking a deep breath, I stand up straight, there’s no point in hiding now. I walk across the grass from the parking lot to the picnic bench where Kara and Rob are standing talking, all the while fighting the urge to run away.

I get within about fifteen feet before I can make out the look on Rob’s face. He looks surprised, but it’s mixed with another expression I can’t quite read yet. I stop when I’m about five feet away and clasp my hands together in front of my body and wait for him to say something.

“Holly, right? Kara said that was the name you prefer?”

I swallow and nod, my voice comes out as a croak, “Please.”

“Is that really you?” he murmurs, staring at me. He shakes his head as though realizing how stupid the question sounds. “Of course it is, god… it’s not even that big a difference is it? Damn…”

“I’m sorry Rob; I didn’t want to ruin your night or life. I… it’s kinda complicated,” I sigh.

“Gender Dysphoria; Kara said. Like, you felt like you should have been born a girl like Chrissie.”

I raise my eyebrows. “I couldn’t carry on Rob. Every day moving through the world as Alex the boy just felt wrong. I… it isn’t who I am. I was hoping to make it to college before I told everyone. I didn’t want to risk getting thrown out or converted or upsetting you guys.”

Rob takes a step forward and I flinch away involuntarily, irrationally terrified of him. He looks nervous all of a sudden, as though he’s worried that he scared me.

I step forward and try my best to smile, but it comes out looking a little forced. “I love you, Rob, I just… I couldn’t take it anymore. This is who I am; Holly is the real me, not some act or some phase. This is who I really am inside. All I can ask is that I hope you don’t hate me.”

“I couldn’t hate you… Holly.” he smiles. “You’re my br…sister?

I smile, it feels good to hear him say those words.

“I’m not surprised,” he adds quietly. “Well, I am, but not at the same time. Somehow it all makes a strange sort of sense.”

Erk.

“What do you mean?”

“I think I’ve known that we were different for some time, I just didn’t really see it until you walked over here. We are related, but we’re not the same and we never have been. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you were born, I’ve seen your thing.” he chuckles darkly before cringing apologetically when he sees the twinge on my face.

“I mean, I think I’ve seen the girl sometimes, somewhere in there behind my little bro. I didn’t know what I was seeing. kinda like a guy who doesn’t know he needs glasses. The second he gets them though, it's so obvious, right?” He pauses and smiles slightly. “When I think back, I think I’ve seen my… little sister, showing through.” He says the words strangely, like he’s trying the word on for size. “Strangely it makes all the sense in the world.”

“You have?”

He nods. “Little moments, little gestures. There were times when I didn’t quite recognize you for a moment and I thought you were someone else. The mall the other weekend; when you were playing that game with Rick, the one with the basketball? For just a second, when you were laughing with him, it was like… I saw… a boy and a girl.” he gestures at me.

I really need to get a grip on my behavior; noted for the future. On the whole, though, this is going far better than I could have hoped; I’m still breathing and no straws are required.

“Is that a bad thing?” I ask slowly, testing the water.

He shakes his head and swallows, “I don’t think so.”

Shit, what are the chances?

“So… you want to be a girl, like, forever?”

I speak to him for the first time as myself, my real self. I look my brother in his eyes as his little sister and I nod assuredly. “I already am Rob, I just want everyone else to know it too.”

“I kinda figured,” he replies quietly. “It does seem to suit you, Holly”

Rob opens his arms and hesitates for a second. I see what he’s doing and I smile and step forward to accept the hug he’s offering. He wraps me in his arms and I hold on as tight as I can. It's been a long time since he’s done that and it feels incredible. I can’t control myself and tears fall from my eyes.

I don’t know how long we hold on to each other but by the time I step back and glance around, I realize Kara and Megan are back by the car giving us space.

“Where do we go from here?” Rob asks uncertainly.

“I have to keep this to myself, I can’t tell Mom and Dad yet. I don’t want to risk bad things happening Rob.”

“I’m sure they’d be fine Holly, how do you expect to hide… uh… all of this.” he gestures sheepishly at me.

I uh, don’t know,” I admit, “but even you didn’t see it till now.”

“I don’t know how I didn’t,” Rob admits. “Now I know, it’s so obvious that you’re a girl.” he freezes for a second then frowns. “How is it that you look… I mean, you… uh.”

Oh, tits question; this will be fun.

“Uh, when someone is trans, doctors block their birth hormones and put them on replacements that are bioidentical to the right kind they should have. I’ve ah… well, I found a way to get the medications that stop the wrong puberty and other ones that start the right one. ”

Rob sighs and shakes his head. “I should have known the kid of a doctor who plans to follow in her mom’s footsteps would find a medical solution to the problem.” he frowns suddenly, “Are you sure that it’s safe though? Is it permanent? Are you sure you want to go down this path forever?”

I reach out and take his hand and squeeze it. It’s a gesture I wouldn’t have dared to ever really share with him before. “Rob, I’m certain. When I first spotted the signs of puberty last year, I lost my mind. No offense, but the idea of my body becoming like yours horrified me to the point of dark thoughts. This is who I am, and it always will be. It’s who I’ve always been, I just had to hide.”

He thinks about what I said for a moment and then nods. “I had to ask Squirt.”

We turn and start walking back towards the car. “So, what does this mean going forward? Are you going to be hiding as Alex till you can’t anymore? What then?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. The Doctor knows, Meg and Kara, but I just… not yet, ok?”

He rolls his eyes and nudges my shoulder with a fist. “I guess the bro trip the other week wasn’t the best idea then huh?”

“I appreciate the gesture,” I offer. “It meant the world to me that you cared about me.”

“So, the thing tonight with Monica, she just assumed you were a chick because you were with those two? You do get yourself into some jams Spike.”

“Spike?”

Rob opens the car door and grins at me. “Yeah, I just thought of it now; Spike, like Holly bushes are spikey, real prickly. You’ll always know I mean Holly when I say that and nobody else will.”

Damn, unmelt my heart, please.

“That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said.” I beam.

“You guys good?” Kara asks as we both get into the car a few moments later.

Rob and I look at each other and smile. “Yeah,” I agree. “I don’t think I ever really considered it possible, but yes, we’re good.”

The ride home is a surreal experience for me. I’m here in a car with my best friends and my brother and everyone is treating me as Holly Winters. I almost can’t believe this, from the disaster panic of Monica Carlos and my terror at the idea of telling Rob, I never stopped to consider that my brother loved me more.

I swapped back to my own clothes and returned Kara’s shirt while we drove. I was sad to return to Boymode, or whatever actually counted as Boymode in my weird world. Letting Rob meet me as my authentic self had been incredible, but I knew it couldn’t last; I still had a persona to present at home. The makeup she had so carefully applied had been destroyed by my tears and so it had to be removed anyway. After we dropped them at their place and I gave each the biggest hug of their lives, we set off back to the house in relative quiet.

We pulled into the driveway and Rob shut off the car before turning to face me. “I’ll go along with your desires and keep tonight a secret, but I want you to promise me one thing, ok?”

“What?”

He fixes me with a serious look. “Don’t think I didn’t hear what you said about dark thoughts. You keep me in the loop going forward, ok Holly? This might all be new and it might be strange for me to adapt to but I’m going to try my best. I love you and you’re my blood, brother or sister. If that’s as my little sister Holly, I’m fine with that. I want you above ground and in my life, not miserable and dead, got it?”

I touch his arm and smile. “Rob, ever since I started doing something to correct nature’s mistake and set myself on the right path, those thoughts have been long gone. My life might be in two worlds right now, but It’s a life I want to live so very badly. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You looked so much like Mom tonight,” Rob murmurs quietly, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear that had escaped since I re-tied it. “I saw photographs of her as a kid and it was uncanny.”

“I guess that’s a good thing?”

“I worry for you at that school,” he replies, a look of concern on his features. “I was afraid for you before; you were never a fighter. Now though? Knowing what you are keeping hidden from them every day? Jesus Holly, I’m going to be freaking out.”

“Welcome to my world.” I chuckle darkly. “Welcome to the last sixteen years of my life.”

 

 

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