When Teri woke up, she turned and gazed at Jenn still under the covers. Not wanting to wake her, she slid out of bed and softly walked across the hall to the bathroom. As she sat, she tried not to think about yesterday but focused on their night together. Her day certainly ended on a high note, with both of them professing their love for each other while promising to make communication a priority. As she washed her hands and fluffed out her hair in the mirror, she wondered what the next chapter would be in their relationship.

As she was brushing her teeth, she tried not to think about the Wildcats heading to Atlanta. The word from their managers was that they’d be playing to a sold out arena. It was crazy to think that many people were paying big bucks to hear them play.

But there was one the other thing that was stuck in her brain. That was where John lived. Sure, it had only been a brief moment on the last night they were playing there at the Underground, but she couldn’t forget it. She had told Jenn about it briefly but not everything. She’d liked getting high and talking with him. He seemed so gentle and soft spoken. And while he hadn’t been aggressive, kissing him was dreamy. It was different. And when their kissing started to get more passionate, he held her tightly. That had put her over the edge.

A man. It was a difficult bridge to cross, admitting that she was looking at guys in a different light. She’d never had sexual dreams about anyone besides Jenn. And those thoughts of being with a guy were never actualized. But as Terry morphed into Tasha and then finally Teri, their love had grown dynamically. Now, Jenn was the most important part of her life, and she couldn't imagine living without her. But those thoughts about him stayed.

Teri didn’t want to mess up her relationship with Jenn, but still had this desire to do it again with John or maybe someone else as nice. Besides being handsome, tall, and muscular; he was sweet. There really hadn't been any negatives about the experience. Teri wondered what would happen if she saw him again. She kept trying to throw water on this fire, reminding herself that she’d been high; the moment was brief, and that was it. And there had never been any follow-up.

John had never made any effort to contact her. Teri felt like it was just quick moment in John’s life and that was it. But she couldn’t stop wondering what it would be like to have a guy she could feel comfortable hanging around with and maybe having more. She wondered what it would be like to be a passive woman in a man’s strong arms.

And that’s where the thoughts stopped. She really did not think about what it would be like to be naked and lying next to a guy. A guy who would continue to make her all hot and bothered until she lost her mind and succumbed to his wishes and needs. She wondered what it would be like to be held down and so totally controlled. And the idea of having multiple orgasms made her dizzy.

Teri assumed that John was probably disgusted discovering she wasn’t a real girl, but some mutant he had kissed. And if that’s how he felt, she prayed she didn’t see him ever again. Still in the back of her mind, she wondered about guys in general. Then she thought about Don and wondered what was that about? Kiss a friend from high school back when she was Terry?

Don’s a nice guy. He was always soft-spoken, cheerful, and, most importantly, never made any comments to hurt her. So why not just text him and see what would happen? Well, what could happen could be an embarrassing moment for both of them. She definitely was not going to do anything with one of her old friends, period. Regardless of how tempting it might be to experiment with a guy, doing anything with him was really crazy.

Six months ago, kissing a guy would have been totally alien. Kissing a guy and getting all turned on inside would have been a ticket to a mental hospital. But a lot had changed.

Fortunately, at that exact moment, Jenn woke up and came walking in wearing just a pair of panties. That sight was enough to take her mind off guys. As Teri kissed her and was pulled into her arms, all she thought about was how wonderful Jenn’s body felt.

Jenn was perfect. She was soft and smooth. She was shapely and incredibly beautiful. She was a genius and had a great, steady calmness about her. Teri knew she was lucky and should stop those errant thoughts.

Jenn frowned. “I smell your minty fresh breath, and mine has to be terrible. I need to brush.” She pushed Teri out of the way slapping her hard on the back side. “Go warn up the sheets 'cause I’m coming back to wrestle with you until you scream with pleasure. I’m making up for lost time.”

Teri laughed and did what she was told. She knew this was not the time to discuss an open relationship. She thought she might want to talk to her sister about all of that first. But in the meantime, she got her pajamas off and waited for Jenn to return.

Later that morning, Teri sought out her sister. “Hey, do you have a couple of minutes to talk?”

Lisa looked at her. “Yeah, we all heard about yesterday. Is that what you want to talk about?”

“Kinda. But more than that.”

Lisa grabbed her hand and started dragging her to the door. “C’mon. Let’s steal Gina’s car and go get lunch together. It’s been a while.”

Teri laughed. “Sure. Can it be something decadent like a chocolate milkshake and a cheeseburger?”

Lisa nodded as they climbed in. “Good thinking. So talk, little girl. Tell your older sister what’s the matter.”

Teri didn’t even hesitate. “Yesterday, Jenn and I had a big fight because Jenn had set up this three-way with Gina thinking I was game. She was so excited she shared some of her fantasies. She talked about getting so high with multiple sexual partners that it blew her head off.”

Lisa nodded as she parked. “Hey, let’s get take-out and drive over to the airport to finish all of this.”

They went in and placed their orders. Ten minutes later, both were sitting on the grass overlooking the airport runway. It was a familiar place for both of them.

Lisa said, “Shoot. You were talking about Jenn expressing her fantasies, and you got upset. Why?”

Teri took a big gulp of her milkshake and a bit of a bite of cheeseburger. “Oh, god. This is so good.” She wiped her hands and mouth and then started taking. “So, I interpreted that as her telling me, I have shortcomings and could never satisfy her. She was doing this with Gina because I wasn’t able to meet her needs.”

Lisa was eating and indicated that Teri should keep talking. “Okay, I hear you. By the way, are you growing up top?”

Teri blushed. “Uh-huh. I’ve quietly had to move up a size in bras. I’m more than an A. But in the meantime, I fucked it all up and walked out on them. I came back to the house and slept alone. In my mind, it was all over because of my handicaps.”

Lisa listened. “Yep. Tell me more.”

“I woke up and had a really shitty day. Nothing was going right except Lucinda made me pancakes. Eventually, Gina found me in the music room and started crying and apologizing. She was so sad and sorry. We sat outside and talked and well, Jenn showed up.”

Teri ate some more food. “You know, I never had breakfast today. So, Jenn and I had it out. She’d kinda told Gina that I was all about fooling around with other people and talked Gina into this. And we argued and finally made up when we realized how much we loved each other,”

Lisa nodded. “Sounds okay. So why are we out here eating junk food? By the way, junk food is good therapy.”

Teri smiled, “Don’t I know it! Well, the problem is that I still wonder about the guy I made out with in Atlanta. I mean, sure, I was stoned, but I really liked it. And sure, that was a one-off, no future cause he never knew I was intersex and thought I was a girl. And probably would be angry now. But regardless of John, I keep wondering about guys.”

Lisa just listened. “Uh-huh. You called yourself disabled. If you really want to be all girl, it’s just a corrective surgery. But if a guy knew you were intersex before fooling around, wouldn’t that make it okay?”

Teri wiped her eyes with her napkin. “Honestly, I don’t know anything about sex, and I’ve only been with Jenn. And when Amos kidnapped me, I was chained up and he was waving his thing in my face telling me what he was going to do. I was scared out of my mind.”

Lisa shot her head. “Uh, you gotta know that making love is not rape. A good guy knows that he’s gotta please his woman just like she’s going to please him. That’s what makes Smith so perfect. He’s the best lover I’ve ever known.”

Teri wondered. “But, you’ve had lots of guys, and you kinda indicated that maybe even a girl. So what should I do?”

Lisa waved her hand. “I’m not the best person to answer your questions. Before Smith, well, I wasn’t good with relationships. Maybe there’s something wrong with me because I really never thought about sex very much. Occasionally I’d get really horny, but even after fixing that problem, it never was as good as playing music with the band. In high school it was sports that kept me busy. And yes, Gina and I have slept in the same motel room for years and the same bed, too, when we’ve been on the road. I’ve enjoyed her, she is very skilled at love making, and a best friend.”

Teri shook her head. “I’m listening but having trouble separating sex from love. You and Gina; you and Smith.”

Lisa smiled. “Sure, it’s simple for me. I love Gina, but my love for Smith consumes me.”

“If Smith was gone for a month with EBR, would you sleep with Gina?”

Lisa shrugged. “I don’t know. It would have to be spontaneous. But I have no trouble waiting a month.”

“Well, I was wondering if Jenn and I should have an open relationship? Seriously, do you think we could handle it?”

Lisa smiled. “You have to be willing to lose Jenn if she discovers someone she loves more. It can happen even when you don’t have an open relationship. Cheating, lying, it all becomes painful. Makes you wonder if it’s worth it.”

Teri stared at her, waiting for an answer.

Lisa smiled. “I’m lucky that I found the guy I want to spend my life with. Without Smith, I’d still be wondering if love was going to happen for me.”

Teri shook her head. “I don’t know. At eighteen, we’re too young, aren’t we? Neither of us is worldly. Neither of us have any experience. We were both virgins.”

Lisa smiled. “Yeah. But you know, you’ve found love together. A lot of people will never experience what you have.”

“Yeah. But I think we both wonder what we’re missing.”

“Okay. So open it up, but talk, talk, talk. So when you find someone better, both of you will know it.”

“Lisa, that totally sucks. I don’t want to lose her!”

“But you also want to experience a guy. And when you get a real pussy, you’re going to want to test it out. And how are you going to feel watching Jenn get all dressed up and going out and spending the night with someone else?”

Teri shook her head. “She did that already. She spent the night with Gina.”

“And what did you do?”

“I cried and suffered, and after we talked, I did my best to satisfy her.”

“So you’re still together.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked about it?”

“No. Should we?”

“Totally. Jenn should describe what Gina did to please her and find out if Jenn really wants you to have a vagina, too.”

“That’s all kinda in the cards, isn't it?”

Lisa nodded. “But it’s your body, your decision.”

Teri shook her head. “Too much.”

Lisa said, “The two of you should sit down with Gina and talk together. After all, you’ve both had experiences with Gina, and she knows about open relationships.”

As they were gathering up their papers and sucking down the last of their milkshakes, a huge jet roared overhead. They both stopped to watch.

Teri turned to her sister. “Maybe our problems are not the end of the world. I don’t think either of us are going to die regardless of what’s decided.”

As they climbed back in the car, Lisa gave her sister a kiss. “You know something. You’ve become a different person. It’s not just the estrogen blowing you up, but you’re more relaxed and able to see the important things around you. You used to be a real pain in the ass.”

Teri grinned. “Thanks, that’s saying something coming from the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever known. But seriously, thank you for taking the time to help me out. I guess.”

“You guess. Why?”

“Because nothing good is going out of this.”

Lisa looked at Teri. “Seriously. Look how far you’ve come. You’ve known true love. You’ve finally settled into yourself. You’re a great musician and going to be a world famous rock star.”

“True. But, what if….”

“Stop the what-ifs! This is about outcomes. Think about what you’ll do and what you’ll say. Your goal is to try to stay positive. Regardless of how everything turns out, be able to hold your head high. Never be ashamed of who you are or what you’ve said.”

“Even if Jenn decides to leave you, just let her long for the deep love you’ve provided. Don’t give her an excuse to leave because you’re acting immature. Let her look back wondering if she really did make the right decision. After you leave her life, be so kind that she’ll think about you forever.”

“Lisa, it sounds like you’ve already decided that Jenn will leave me.”

“No. The two of you will break up. You’re right. You will drive yourselves crazy, wondering if you missed out on something better. And honestly, there is nothing better than good communication and great sex. I think you’ll both break up and, ten years from now, realize that the best thing you had was each other.”

“Oh, my God! That’s the bleakest thing I’ve ever heard!

Once we owned the world
It was ours together
Our lives were intertwined
But not forever

Winds and rain blew it away
Til all we had was a memory

I look and see how things have changed
Nothing looks shiny and bright
Those memories are all I have
And how we tried so long ago

I hope you’ve found the joy that we once had
Maybe you’re happy with what you’ve got
Maybe you don’t look back
But it’s all I think about
I’m frozen in time remembering what we shared

“Lisa, you’re breaking my heart. Tell me, how do Gina and Grace stay together?”

Lisa leaned over and hugged me. “Grace sees a bigger picture because of her knowledge and experiences. And Gina is so in love she can’t operate without Grace. But neither of them cares about the occasional straying.”

“When I asked Grace about their open relationship, she told me she’s more discreet than Gina.”

“So they both have affairs but remember their love for each other. That makes so much sense for them.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. Jenn and I both need to talk a bunch and maybe talk to Gina.”

Lisa smiled and nodded.

Teri came home and called Jenn. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.”

“Whatcha doing?”

“Packing up my stuff from our house. Remembering everything we did here and sobbing. We’re no longer a family, and my life is going into cardboard boxes. I’ve got three different sizes, books, clothes, and stuff. I want to give this place a Viking funeral and set it all on fire. Or maybe do the Indian thing and throw myself in when it’s blazing hot. Rake the ashes down the Ganges River.”

“Sounds like you need a break.”

“I’m still feeling shitty about what I did to you. It’s affecting my thinking. Everything looks so bleak.”

“Drive and come back here to me. We can take a walk in the woods and pretend we’re lost until we find the gingerbread house.”

Teri heard Jenn laugh and sob at the same time. “Hey, instead of throwing yourself on the burning pyre, we can become the Phoenix and rise from the ashes together.”

“Together?”

“Come over. It’s our last night at the Rendezvous. Come and do something with me, and I’ll share some of my fantasies til we play music.”

“Teri, I worry that we’re just going through the motions. I feel like I fucked things up so badly. I’m a selfish pig who only cares about herself. I made everything bad. I’ve become the vampire who only takes.”

“Jenn, I’m borrowing Gina’s car and coming to get you. Stop scaring me with all your talk. I will be there in ten minutes.”

She heard Jenn gasp. “You driving? You might never make it here. Stop. I’ve got my keys, and I’m leaving now. Don’t drive, Teri.”

Teri was standing on the lane watching Jenn come driving in. She parked and ran into her arms. “Everything is ruined because of me. Now, you hate me because I made you feel uncomfortable and inadequate. It’s because I was crazy and made something great die. I’m sorry, but I know you won’t believe me. No matter how much I apologize, you’ll always remember what I did and said.”

“You’re right.”

Jenn stared.

“It hurt because I felt like I couldn’t please or satisfy you. I don’t have what it takes to do that for you. And honestly, maybe it’s better to stop loving each other and part as friends.”

Jenn was crying and sobbing. “It’s all my fault. I brought this upon us, and now it’s ruined.

“No. We can still be friends. We can love each other and not stop caring about each other. We can be best friends forever, and you will be able to fill your needs without guilt.”

Jenn just looked at her and cried.

“You know what I think, Jenn. I don’t think you’re queer. I think you are pansexual and love me regardless of my realities. But I think you need to try out some guy or guys to let you know how much sex you really want and dream about. I haven’t asked you how your experience was with Gina because I want to keep everything we did the same.”

Teri hugged her. “I’m not sure I’m ready for an open relationship where you come home smelling of sex after being with someone else, fearing that they’re the one and you’re going to leave me. I’m not ready to build that wall inside to save myself pain.”

Jenn kept sobbing.

“Jenn, you’re crying because what I’m saying is true. You need to realize that I’m a dead end. Even with a surgery to build me a vagina, I’m just not real enough.”

Teri paused and squeezed her tight. “I do want to do something together before we free ourselves up. I want to sit down and talk to Gina. I have a lot of questions that I want answered. And I want to do that with you. Can you do that?”

Jenn sobbed into her chest. “I will do anything or be anything for you. You are in charge. I don’t deserve you, but I will do anything you want.”

“Okay. Let’s go find Gina.”

They found her curled up in her bed, reading a fairly large book. Teri stuck her head in the door. “Hey!”

“What’s up?”

‘Do you have thirty minutes for us? I have some questions.”

“Sure. What’s the topic?”

“Open relationships.”

“Uh-oh. Is this about the other night?”

“Uh, sort of. But not to rehash anything. I have to know how the two of you do it?”

“Okay, sure. But let’s go to your room; it’s more private.”

Gina led as they walked upstairs, but Teri couldn’t take her eyes off Gina’s body. It just seemed so lush and inviting.

As they walked through the door, Gina started removing all her clothes. She turned and looked at the surprised looks on Teri and Jenn’s faces. “What?”

Teri shrugged and started to get undressed. She looked at Jenn, who was following suit. Finally, when they were all naked, Gina came over and kissed each one of them.

“Now, show me some sugar, kids.”

Teri went over and wrapped her arms around Gina and gave her a full blown tongue deep kiss. As she was doing that, she was massaging her breast.

Then, they both looked at Jenn. She was shaking her head from side to side. Her crying had increased. She looked at both of them. “I want to kiss Teri first.”

Teri nodded, and Jenn came into her arms. She squeezed him tightly and kissed her face. She kissed everywhere and finally dove into her mouth hungrily, wanting to show how sorry she was.

Teri absorbed all her pain and took all her suffering away as she murmured, “I love you so much. I want us to win together.”

Momentarily, they both forgot that Gina was in the room as they held each other. They would have probably continued if Gina hadn’t said, ‘wow’ in a quiet voice.

Finally, Teri turned Jenn around to face Gina and pushed her slightly. Jenn froze and turned to look at Teri. “This is it. This is where you punish me and desert me forever. You want to see me in Gina’s arms so you can hurt us both.”

Teri shook her head. “No, I wanted to ask Gina how to survive an open relationship. I need guidance to understand how to be that person. Just kiss Gina so we can begin.”

Jenn kissed Gina on the cheek and Teri watched while Gina held her in her arms and whispered in her ear. She watched Gina kiss her face and kiss up all of her tears. Then she held her and rocked her.

Gina looked at Teri. “After you left, this is what we did. I held her and comforted her. She knew she’d fucked up and told me all about it. So I listened and held her. I told her that it was going to be all right. I promised her that we would all get through this. That was it, Teri. And when she finally calmed down, I held her while she fell asleep. Whenever she woke, I was there to soothe her and make her go back to sleep. That’s all that happened.”

When Jenn finally stood up and turned to Teri, “I want to hate you because you cut me off. You’ve stopped caring about me just because I slighted you. You gave up on me and thought the worst of me because I expressed my deepest fantasies, and you interpreted them as me making fun of you. All that disability shit. I love you, and I hate what is happening between us. Honest to God, you’ve kicked me out and stabbed a knife through both our hearts in the process.”

Teri nodded. “I wish that I was more. I wish that I could be everything in your life.”

“You are, shithead. In the past months, I have fallen so deeply in love with you that I couldn’t find my way out if I wanted. In one brief stupid statement, you’ve stopped believing in me and become feral about our relationship. I’ve told you that I’m sorry. But you have those hidden desires, too. I know you wonder about everything out there and whether they will bring you joy.”

Teri nodded. “Yes. I wonder what another person would do with me. I wonder what it would feel like to be treated like a toy, a sex doll. I wonder about that phrase ‘fuck your brains out’ that you said yesterday and whether that would be for me. Back when Amos had me chained down and telling me what he was going to do to me, I was excited. I never told anyone before, but I had orgasms. At the same time, I was waiting to die. I was trying to stay sane while my body wanted to thrash and moan. It was horrible.”

Gina looked at her. “Have you ever shared that with Grace?”

“No. I was too ashamed. And now you know what a sick fuck I am. No real sex organs, just this fucked up brain that gets off on pain and bondage. Yeah, I know what I am, but I swore I was going to my grave before I shared that.”

Gina came over and held her in her arms. “Why are you sharing that now?”

“Cause of Jenn. She shared her fantasy, and mine is to have some guy make me into his sex object and use me up.”

Gina nodded. “You could have that surgery and then fuck as many guys as you want. They’d never know. Truthfully, guys aren’t interested in you and your feelings. They want a hole to stick it in.”

Teri and Jenn sat on the bed. They watched as Gina joined them. “Okay, guys. So, I see a perfect relationship where you worship each other. But you haven’t been out in the real world and want to know how to kick up your heels without losing what you have. Am I right?”

Teri and Jenn found themselves both nodding. Teri grabbed Jenn’s hand and felt her lean into her. “My question is, how do you do it? You wander and screw whoever you want, and Grace does it too. What keeps you from going crazy?”

Gina thought for a minute. “For a long time, it was geography. The Wildcats were all over the United States, and Grace lived and worked in New York. So out of sight and kind of out of mind. I never equated sex with loving her. Sex was just a party, another high. And the next day, it was done. I was good to go with a few aspirin and some exercise.”

Jenn looked. “But that has changed. You and Grace are much closer geographically.”

Gina nodded. “And that became a real problem. Grace wanted more of a commitment from me. We broke off, and I was reevaluating whether I was ready to settle down. Seriously, touring was great. Fucking good-looking chicks is a blast and a party. I always like a party. You know, fun. But Grace wanted more and well until we were in New Orleans, and I realized just how short life could be. I realized that finding the right person was a crapshoot, and I had the best. I was a winner with Grace, so I’ve downplayed everything. But don’t tell Tiff because I won’t hear the end of it. You know, she’s jealous of my fooling around.”

Jenn shook her head. “Then why did you agree to fool around with us?”

“Oh, you’re both kidding. Look at you. The two of you are the sweetest morsels anyone could nibble on. And I thought it was going to be alright and hoped that maybe Grace would never know or forgive me.” Gina looked at Teri. “You know she has fantasies about you. But her professional code won’t allow it. Let me tell you how many tears she shed after just holding hands with you!”

Jenn looked at Teri. “What?”

Teri blushed. “We just held hands and stared at each other.”

Jenn squinted her eyes. “And you got off on it, didn't you? How firmly did she grip your hands? How close was she?”

Teri looked shell-shocked. “Yes. It was all that.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

Teri shook her head back and forth.

Gina held up a hand and grinned. “Uh, since we’re all together, can we get under the covers for a little playtime? I want a break.”

Teri and Jenn said it at the same time. “No.”

Gina smiled and stood up. She gathered up her clothes and slipped them back on. “Okay. I can see that my job is done here. I love you both.”

After she had left, Jenn moved closer to Teri. She pushed her under the covers and whispered, “I’ll bet you’re fantasizing about Atlanta boy. What was his name?”

“John.”

“Did he ever call you up or send you a text?”

Teri shook her head.

“So you’ve already learned what it’s like to think about somebody, and they just aren’t into you.”

“Yeah. It’s a fantasy.”

“Uh-huh. Well, it’s only three o’clock, and you don’t go to work until nine. Let’s find some moisturizer and gently rub it on. You can tell me your fantasies, and I can tell you mine.”

“You’re a dirty girl, Jenn. Dirty.”

“Right. And when we’re done, we can wash all that dirt off with conditioner and shampoo.”