Dear Friends,

Thank you for reading and writing. (Especially the writing part!) It's great to hear your opinions and how this affected you. I knew I was walking on thin ice here. But, it seemed like the right time. Excuse the mistakes in this portion. My spelling checkers, three, do not like slang and are always trying to turn my stories into business letters or dissertations. That's not how the Cats talk. So ignore the spelling or grammatical errors cause sometimes I'm 'toopid'

When Teri woke up, she turned over and stared at the empty side of her bed. She felt alone. But instead of thinking, she turned over and went back to sleep.

When her bladder finally forced her up, she thought about how comical her exit had been last night.

It was definitely something a stoner would do. She’d walked away leaving all her clothes and possessions in the bedroom where Gina and Jenn were. She knew she wasn’t going to return to the bedroom to get her clothes or ask for anyone’s help. So she searched around and found clothes in Jenn’s mom’s drawers and closets. After finding clothes, she had to get her own ride.

She’d fumbled at first with the how-to part, but was happy that Gina had left her phone out on the porch where they’d gotten high. It was still totally unlocked so she was able to use the Uber app. A nice woman picked her up ten minutes later and took her straight to her door.

Fortunately, there was a hidden key and she was able to quietly tip toe in and go up to her room. Everything in her mind was jumbled and confused but she knew that she wanted was sleep.

Getting up, she realized that she still had Jenn’s mom’s underpants on. After washing her face and brushing her teeth, she got out her own clothes and got dressed. She found Lucinda downstairs who happily made her pancakes and bacon. As she wolfed everything down, she remembered her last meal was lunch with Grace, Gina, and Jenn. She decided she was still fuzzy brained and promised not to think about Jenn or anything that happened yesterday.

Instead, she went down in their studio and plugged in her guitar. She started playing. At first it was just finger exercises and then it became chords and finally she was playing solos from some of her favorite guitarists. Recently, she’d been focusing on rock gods from twenty years ago. Those guys were easy to find on YouTube and it was fun to watch them playing live.

She was in the zone when she realized she was not alone. She turned around slowly and Gina was standing there crying. She stopped and stared at Gina.

“Oh, Teri. I’m sorry. I fucked up. It seemed like such a good idea and Jenn really was excited. I thought that it was okay with you since she said you’d ventured out with other people, including me. But when you left I suddenly realized what a mess it had become. I’m sorry that I didn’t really think about your feelings.”

Teri gave her a hug. “Stop blaming yourself. You offered to shelve it for another day and I just went along with what Jenn wanted. Just like I’ve just rolled over to do whatever she’s wanted forever. I loved her so much that I wasn’t thinking about myself, just going along for the ride. And suddenly I realized that the whole scene wasn’t what I wanted.”

Gina still sobbed. “Jenn told me that you’d made out with several guys and lusted for them. And she reminded me about you pleasing me on the couch in the old theater. It just sounded like you were up for this.”

Teri set her guitar back in the rack and the two of them went outside. They both sat in chairs facing the forrest. “Yeah, well, I’m not going to defend myself. I was heavily drugged with the first two guys and the third guy, well, I was pretty high, too. You and Jenn are the only women I’ve tried to please. Obviously, I did a satisfactory job with you. But yesterday after listening to Jenn talk, she wanted a lot more than what I could provide her.”

“Do you want to know what happened last night?”

Teri shook her head. “Nah. That’s yesterday’s news and I’m only looking forward. I’ve got to figure out what I want to do.”

Gina looked at her. “What about Jenn?”

Another voice suddenly interrupted their conversation. “Yeah, what about Jenn?”

Teri and Gina both turned to see Jenn standing there. She looked unhappy.

Teri shrugged and looked at Jenn. “Hey. I blame myself for yesterday. I wasn’t in the proper state of mind to romp with you and Gina. Maybe under different circumstances it might have been good. But when you started talking about doing it with groups and trying to be blown away with a sexual adventures, that’s when I realized that I was never going to satisfy you.”

“But….”

Teri held her hand up. “No blame, no fault. You are who you are and I’m whom I am. Until yesterday, I thought I was enough, even with my shortcomings. And I thought loving you was enough. I’ve followed your lead trying to please you.”

“But I’ve watched enough porn to see what happens when several guys all work together to get a woman over the top. And you know what I thought? I couldn’t be one of those guys because my equipment didn’t work even when I was just good, old Terry. And I could never be that woman because my equipment isn’t there. And honestly, I wouldn’t have a clue about how to appreciate mind-blowing sex.”

Teri wiped a tear from her eye. She was still watching Jenn and never realized that Gina had left. “I still love you. But there’s no do overs. What you really want is something I can’t provide. And I realized at that point that I had never been a swinger. You painted a picture for Gina that was a lie. You made it out like I sought out pleasure from guys and Gina. I’m not making excuses. I enjoyed all those encounters, but the only time I initiated anything was with Gina and you’d told me to make her happy. That was the day you called me baby and said that I was yours to give away. You might have been joking, but I felt like a dog.”

“Okay, Jenn. That’s not who I want to be. I’m boring and handicapped in bed. And yesterday I realized that our relationship was never going to be enough for you. It’s important to say the truth out loud and just deal with it. My body doesn’t have to be the elephant in the room. We know that I have nothing to offer you and that my intersex diagnosis is real.”

Teri took a deep breath knowing that this had to be said. “I just hope we can remain good friends. That way, you have no guilt and can be who you want to be.”

Jenn stared at her. She had listened and understood what Teri had said. She had driven out to the band house thinking of all the things she would say to apologize and make it right. She was in love with Teri and all of this was breaking her heart. But part of her still wanted more even though she had trouble admitting it. She knew she’d been a little crazy yesterday and hanging out with Gina only stimulated her fantasies.

As the tears rolled down her face, she nodded. “You’re right. I’m the one who’s fucked up. I will never stop loving you and only wish this whole thing had never happened. But it’s not about your limitations. I never settled or felt unsatisfied with you. But when I heard how you got high and experimented with other people, I was jealous. Sure, I understand how all of that wasn’t in your plans.”

She wiped the tears from her face. Then she lost it. “Fuck you, then. After I’m gone, you’re going to remember all the good times because that’s all we’ve ever had. And I’m going to remember how you did everything in your power to show me your love. I’m going to be heartbroken that I fucked up the best thing I’ve ever had cause I lost my mind for one night. And yes, the sex with Gina was great but afterwards I realized that it wasn’t any better than what you and I have. I’m stupid and foolish. You are the only one I have ever had sex with and now I know that screwing with someone just to screw isn’t like what we had.”

Jenn took a step closer to Teri who stood up. She noticed that her arms were at her sides. “You know. I just wished you could hurt me like I hurt you. I wish we were even so we could start again. I was a horrible person telling you to go out and experience guys, because I thought that there was more out there that I was missing. I’m so fucked up. Maybe I should move closer to my sister and let her hook me up in the adult industry so I can screw my brains out until I don’t have any left. Maybe then, when I’m used up and stupid, I will realize how I gave up the golden ring of happiness with you.”

Teri raised her hand and said, “Stop.”

Jenn stood there letting the tears run down her face. She didn’t want to sob or let her nose start to run, but she knew she was close.

Teri nodded. “I’m not as hurt as you think. I understand your need to experiment. And I experienced that when I was high with the guy in Atlanta. Sure, he didn’t know I was intersex and just thought I was a girl. We’d talked a bunch and then when we got high, I felt like I was in a dream. And when he held me and kissed me, it caused me to melt down and get pretty excited. I liked it.”

Teri stood on the spot. “I get it and well, maybe cause of that guy, I understand how you want more. I will remember all the wonderful times we’ve had and will miss every moment as I move forward. No one likes to be alone and knowing that the most beautiful woman in the world once loved me. I wonder if that will ever happen to me again?”

Jenn sobbed. “Can’t we try? You know I love you and you love me. Why can’t we just move forward and make new rules?”

Teri choked. “What, so you can go out partying and come home after being with someone else? And I’m supposed to just take you back after they filled the needs that I couldn’t. Am I supposed to wonder every time we meet someone new thinking you’re going to want to try this guy or girl out? Am I supposed to hold you after someone else has mauled you and got you off? No, Jenn. I couldn’t do that. But I understand you have different hungers that need to be met.”

Jenn stood there listening to Teri get mad at her.

“Jenn, I’m going to have new rules. I’m going to grow a backbone and be proud of myself. No more pity parties or worrying about whether someone else’s needs are being met. I’m going to stand on my own two feet and do what it takes to make me happy. And if that isn’t enough for another person, so be it. I have a disability but I’m not going to let that run me anymore.”

Jenn cried.

“I free you, Jenn. You can walk away knowing that we are both better than before. And I know you’ll find another person who can truly satisfy you. We both know it’s not me, but that’s nobody’s fault. I know that everyone would jump at the chance to have you in their arms. I know that you’ll have your choice of partners. We can walk our own paths knowing that our time together was golden.”

Jenn stood there. “Oh, fuck. I’m not going to just listen to you talk like what we had wasn’t earth moving. And yes, you are right. I was fucked up thinking that there’s something out there that I was missing. Sure, break up with me and send me away. Stand on your high fuckin’ horse pretending that I have this defect or hunger that I can’t control. Imagine me going out and intensionally hurting you and then coming back to you smelling of sex and somebody else. Fuck you for thinking so little of me. I can learn, you asshole. I can grow. But I want to grow with you. I want us to grow together, not thinking back on what it could have been. You’re a fucking moron. Our sex life has been great and I don’t think anything could top it. But if you want to use this as an excuse to walk away, just go. Be an asshole and just have your own pity party. I have held you and comforted you plenty. I proved my worth to you and now, after I fuck up and want to learn, you’re kicking me the fuck out.”

Jenn walked closer and stared him in the face. “You’re an asshole just like me. You want to write sad songs about the worst breakup in history, go ahead. It won’t be long until you realize that I wanted to make this right. I’m not a quitter and neither are you. I hate you for making this so hard, but I deserve it too.” She leaned in close enough that Teri didn’t see the slap coming.

It hit Teri in the cheek and was hard enough to make her head spin. She immediately grabbed both Jenn’s arms. To keep her from breaking free, she had to twist Jenn around and pull her back into her own body. With her arms wrapped tightly around, Jenn couldn’t move. As Teri felt her relax, she turned her around and kissed her hard on the mouth. She grabbed Jenn’s lower lip with her teeth and did not let go. Finally, Teri released her bite to kiss her hard again thrusting her tongue deep in her mouth. This wasn’t make up love, this was sex. .

Teri dragged her off on the grass and proceeded to ravage her. She squeezed and bit and did not let her up. She tore off Jenn’s clothes and bit her soft flesh with pressure but never breaking the skin. She sucked and kissed and never let her up. Teri never stopped her attack on her lover. She wasn’t punishing her, just taking out all his pent-up fears on her. She knew Jenn wasn’t in pain as her cries got louder and louder as one orgasm after another racked her body. Jenn flailed and gasped, trying her best to gain control. But Teri refused to let her up until she was crying aloud as her body writhed out of control.

When Teri stopped and released her grip, Jenn didn’t move. She just lay there humming and running her fingers through the grass. Finally, she sat up. “Oh, shit, Rock Star. You sent me through the roof. I was so high I know I passed out. That had to be the most momentous time I have ever had.”

Teri nodded. “No more nice girl. From now on, I’m going to ride you like a pony and and put you away wet. Maybe we need to try a little bondage or a lash or two. We’re going to watch fifty shades together and then you’re going to be my slave. You want your world rocked, well, I’m the one who’s going to do it.”

Jenn started crying. “Oh, please don’t think that’s what I want. Sure, it’s nice once in a while, but I want a deep love from you that makes me feel special. I want to be your princess, not your slave.”

Teri knew what she wanted. She never stopped wanting Jenn but tried to cut that part of her out. And she wasn’t standing strong, she was just having anther enormous pity party. “I’m pathetic,” she thought to herself. “I’m such a waste of a person that I should find a hole and crawl in waiting to die.”

Trying to find a solution all she could think, if they started again, when would the next time be? Every time they were separated would she worry that Jenn was out having a sex romp? She knew that after last night, everything had changed. “I don’t know what to do. Sure, I love you and having you back would be the greatest thing ever. But, having you back would cause my brain to just worry until the next time you saw something you wanted. You have no control. You agreed that you were manipulating me so you could get what you want. I can’t live like that. I’m not a character in a short story who get used and manipulated and thrown out with the trash. ”

Jenn stood there. “You know you’re right and wrong at the same time. I would never do anything to break your heart or fuck up what we have. But how do the Cats do it? I get Zoe. She’s been in love with Bruno since forever. And sure, Tiffany was totally destroyed by Mr. Wrong last year and lived like a nun until Mike came into her life. But how can Lisa go from her doctor lover to Smith like changing a tire? I know she said that she and the doc had an understanding, but we’re supposed to believe that she’s engaged and totally going to spend her life with him? Does Smith wonder that sometime she’ll leave him, too? And Gina. She fucks whomever she wants anytime the mood strikes, but she’s in love with Grace. How’s that work? How does Grace take her back?”

Teri shook her head. “Okay, so the way I understand it with Grace and Gina. They both fuck around. They have an open relationship but each one knows the difference between sex and true love. I think Grace understands Gina well, but she’s just more discreet.”

“But how’s that different from your sister fucking some doctor exclusively and just dropping him for Smith. What if Grace or Gina find another person they like better? Where’s the true love then?”

Teri nodded. “You’re right. There’s no guarantees. I think the only guarantee is to remain by yourself and celibate. To survive the loneliness knowing the pain of heartbreak could never happen. We could be married and have kids and still end up getting divorced because we find someone new. There are no guarantees. Yeah, I know about what your dad did to your family. He totally played your mom and you and your sister, using you as pawns with no regard to love.”

“Honestly, Jenn. I don’t know the answer. Maybe we should both just do what we want and grow armor so we don’t get hurt. You see someone you want to fuck, you just go ahead.”

“Right. It’s not just me that screws up. You know, when you came home and told me about the Atlanta guy and how you got high with him and had orgasms when he held you and kissed you, I didn’t fucking scream or yell or play any games. I just tried to understand. And sure, sailor guy and Amos, when you were having rude thoughts, you were doped up. But admit that when you were high, you wanted all sorts of gooey experiences with them.”

“And I never fucking said one word. I just loved you more because you were being honest and loving with me. But you’re going back to Atlanta for the weekend and what if Atlanta guy was to approach you and say he read you were intersex but that didn’t matter cause he can’t stop thinking about him. Whatcha gonna do then? You gonna spread your legs and open your mouth to please him?”

Teri was steaming. “I wish I could slap your mouth closed, but can’t because you’re right. I also lusted for the sound engineer at the underground and was doing flip-flops over her. And the only reason I held back was because I was scared of myself.”

“I don’t know the answer. I just wish I could be all you need and want. I just wish I could keep you satisfied that you’d never want to leave me or think about anyone else. I just wish that you got excited over me cause I could get you excited just by looking at you. That’s a lot of wishes.”

“Deal, Rock Star. You have me whenever you want, anytime you want to make me scream. I want you to exhaust me so there will never be a next time. And if we lust, we need to share those feelings and not bottle them up. And maybe I need to go see someone. Maybe my dad issues need to be shared with a professional. Teri, honestly, I will do anything to keep you.”

Teri picked her up in his arms and kissed her.

Jenn was crying. “Oh, I love you so much and will be the best girl you could ever want. No trips, no games, no manipulating. I promise.”

Teri carried her through into the music room and stood her up on her feet. “I can’t be mean to you and have trouble being mad at you. But if you need a couple of hard smacks on the butt, you have to beg.” With that, Teri took an open hand and smacked her bottom, but not too hard but not too soft.

Jenn grabbed Teri’s hand and led her upstairs. As they walked into their room, she kissed her hard and whispered, “Now, it’s my turn.”