Wednesday, January 8^th, Hi mrs. Diary. Things aren't getting any better. My head is so messed up. It's like a big tug o war between who I am and who everyone expects me to be. Everyone expects me to be tommy, but I don't know if that is who I am.

I talked to Vince over aol last night. He said my gift for christmas might have been something better than a computer. He said maybe my aunt and mom let me find the real me. I don't know. What's the use of finding the real me if I can't bethe real me. Vince sent me his picture in his little wrestling tites. He is such a hunk. I made it my screen picture.

I ate take out chinese food with mom. We hardly spoke. It was like all of christmas didn't change anything now that I changed back. I don't know how I could tell her that I wasn't pretending to be tammy, I'm pretending to be Tommy now.

I went to school. Ughh. Okay, here is what happened, I put on my kahki girl pants. It felt good to be in something soft and cut right. I thought no one would really notice if I was in girl things, because they are pants and most boys are too stupid to know the difference. Was I ever wrong. I got found out and I got teased all day. I told them that my mom bought them and maybe she didn't realize. It was horrible. I had to hear the word fag so many times that I wanted to cry.

After school I almost got into a fight, but Sam was with me and cindy and I told them I didn't need to proove nothing. So I just really backed out of it. What's fighting proove anyway, that you're a neanderthall. Well Cindy went 'one was' meening one of the boys teasing me, I guess but that made sam and I laugh.

Sam came to Tonya's house with me. She said I was brave for trying what I tried. As soon as we got to babysitting we just talked about it and how I felt. I told her about being confused and she said I probably really know what I am deep down. I know what I am but I can't be it. It's so frustrating.

When tonya went to sleep, we did each others hair. I braided Sam's hair, and it came out pretty good for my first time. She made my ponytail poof a little bit. I need to get this junk out of my hair. Okay so Sam went before Glenn and Alexis came home. They called me Tammyagain and I thanked them. They told me to go to my aunt's since my mom was going to work late.

I went to Aunt Jan's and she asked about the pants. I broke down and cried and told her. She didn't get mad either. I thought she would. I told her that if I could stay Tammy she could take the computer back. She said don't be silly. Then I told her about being scared to tell mom. She said mom knew. I was like how does she know I just told you so you couldn't of. She said that a lot of people knew about tammy before I even put the dress on the first time. I was shocked. But she said if I want to stay Tammy I got to tell mom that myself. How can I tell her? Even if she knows won't she be mad? How can I tell her and not be in trouble or make her cry? I don't know, it's giving me a headache. Kiss Kiss.

Thursday, January 9^th, Hi Mrs. Diary. I am much better today I think. I talked to aunt Jan this morning and she said I didn't have to go to school. What a relief. PHEW.

Well I still had all that money from christmas and I thought of a way to tell mom. We went to wallmart. I found a nice white birthday dress with pink trim, oh it is so cute. Then we went to supercuts and they gave me a perm. The stuff they use smell so bad and you have to wait forever to finish and just read magazines. Actually the magazines were cool, but so much time and that bad smell. ICK SMELL. Well when it was done it wasn't a full perm but I don't know the name so OOPS. My hair got some curls to it. And the good thing is if I go to school I can just say this is how my hair is without all the gunk. Who cares what people think. Except my mom that is.

Okay so we went to my house and mom wasn't back yet. I got the birthday dress on and some hearty stockings and aunt Jan put some lipstick on and blush and did my nails. First sam came over. She was so happy for me and was going to stay as support for when mom came home. She said I was a knock out. Well mom came home. I was so nervous I felt sick. I mean really.

Well Sam and Aunt Jan hid in her room. Mom walked in the door and was like what is this? I told her á«this is what I really am.' She bent down and hugged me. Then she said she knew, she was waiting to see if I ever would find out. I asked how did she know and she said that when I got my school testing done by Sam's dad, one of the test was over being a girl or boy inside the head. She said we were trying to figure away for me to try it but I did on my own with the christmas gift. I guess my aunt didn't tell her she offered me the computer.

Mom hugged and kissed me over and over. I can't go to school like a girl though tomorrow, which stinks. But I can be normal at home at least. Also I can go with Sam and be myself there to. She said I will need to start seeing Sam's dad though for talking sessions. He usually charges 150 bucks but he is going to talk to me for free. That's kind of cool. I am going out to dinner soon so kiss kiss diary, happy birthday.