Life and Love are far more complicated than we can possibly understand. For one young cop, a journey of self-discovery will teach them that true strength was inside them all along.

“I’m really starting to get confused Kel,” Harry murmured as they walked up the steps to a property just off Van Ness. “I’m starting to feel like two people.”

His partner shook her head and smirked, despite her eyes glancing around cautiously as they approached the door. She knocked and announced them before turning to Dalton. “You’ve gotta find what feels right for you or you’ll go crazy… well crazier.”

Harry shot her a look as the door opened on its chain. “Mister Martinez?” Anderson asked neutrally. The man nodded slowly. “We had a report of another argument, want to come outside and talk to us?” The man seemed extremely uncertain as he glanced between the two deputies but eventually the door closed briefly before the sound of the chain rattling was followed by the door opening more fully.

The man stepped forward into the doorway and rolled his shoulders, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong Officers, all tranquilo here eh.”

Kelly pointed out onto the front yard, “Come on over here and talk to me for a minute ok?”

While the surly man followed his partner over, Harry glanced inside the hallway. There was a short dark Hispanic woman with her arm around a short boy standing in a doorway toward the rear of the property. “Can I come in?” He asked gently, smiling to reassure the woman.

She hesitated for a moment before nodding and gently encouraged the small boy off into one of the side rooms. Harry stepped through the threshold and glanced around casually, trying to take in as much as possible. “hablar Inglés?” Do you speak English?

The woman shook her head, “No mucha,” she admitted quietly looking nervous.

Harry switched to his broken Spanish, something he was learning to master quite quickly on this job. “You are well?”

She nodded, “We have an argument, it is fine, we argue about money.”

Harry nodded, the home was bare but appeared to be proudly kept. The couple certainly seemed to be trying. He didn’t notice alcohol bottles or any signs of disturbance. “I am sorry, I must ask, you are not hurt yes?”

The woman seemed shocked, “No, He does not hit me, we argue but we are happy… well, we try.”

“I understand, I must ask, I am sorry.” The woman seemed genuine and there were no signs of abuse visible on her and she appeared genuinely surprised by his question. It was likely that they’d just had a good old fashioned shouting match the way some couples do. Harry glanced at the small boy who was hovering in the kitchen, clutching a toy police car under his arm.

Harry glanced at the mother and then at the boy and smiled. “Hello, what is your name?” he asked squatting down to be less intimidating to the child. “Is that a police car?”

The little boy nodded and held it out in front of himself proudly. Harry grinned and reached into his thigh pocket and pulled out a small plastic Sheriff’s Department badge. He always kept a few on him for children. He glanced at the mother who nodded her assent and held it out towards the boy. “Here, for you.”

The boy approached slowly and took the star from Harry’s hand and smiled happily.

“What do you say?” his mother prompted.

The little boy smiled shyly, “Gracias señorita.”

Harry blushed slightly and nodded, “You’re welcome.” He stood and returned his attention to the mother, “I won’t take up any more of your time, have a good day.”

Harry said goodbye and made his way out of the home. He caught Anderson’s eye and nodded; everything was ok. He walked down the steps and waited by the car while she finished speaking with the husband.

A few moments later Kelly joined him and they got back into their patrol car. “All good,”

“One Adam Ninety-Three, Dispatch, we’re Ninty Eight on our call, show us back Ten-Eight.” Kelly called lazily over the radio as she slipped the car into gear.

“The kid called me señorita,” Harry mused as they pulled away from the curb.

Kelly chuckled as they merged into traffic. “Kids are preceptive,” she grinned. “You do seem different though, more relaxed.”

“I don’t feel relaxed,” muttered Harry as he watched traffic. “I feel more tense than I ever have in my life.”

“Want to get a drink later when we’re off shift? I think you need to let your hair down a bit.”

“Yeah,” Harry agreed slowly. “I think I could do with that.”

“Who’s coming?” Kelly grinned glancing over at her partner.

Harry thought for a moment. He was pretty sure it wasn’t really a question anymore. “Olivia.”

Olivia was hit with a wall of noise and music as she stepped into the Baja Catina off Washinton at nine that evening. The decor was a gaudy SoCal mix of Mexican beach bar and tourist trap but it was relatively popular. Most importantly, it wasn’t an establishment frequented by cops; Olivia didn’t want to deal with possibly running into colleagues that evening. She felt apprehensive going out at night dressed as she was. It was funny, for a woman born in the clubs of West Hollywood she should be used to nightlife in a skirt, but if anything that made her more aphehensive. She knew it was one of the city’s safer areas but she’d seen enough in her work to carry a healthy caution.

She’d worn a dress that evening and she was starting to regret the choice as she noticed several men glancing in her direction the moment she entered the bar. It was short and floral and fell off her shoulders with a peasant neckline. She wore a simple pair of heeled sandals and her hair was flowing around her neck. She felt as though she had to make an effort for her partner, as silly as it was. This was technically Kelly’s first time meeting Olivia, even though she’d met Mia more than once in the past.

She approached the bar and waited to order a drink. The bar was busy, but not entirely packed. Weeknights never got entirely quiet in the city but they did slow down a little from the weekend rush. She’d barely spoken to the barman when a tall handsome man had approached her and attempted to engage her in conversation.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, but I wish I had,” he grinned broadly eyeing her up like a piece of meat. Olivia glanced at him and smiled thinly, a neutral gesture. She’d met plenty of men like him before, although they hadn’t been straight. She wondered if certain stereotypes of men were universal across sexuality.

“First time here and I’m waiting for a friend,” she replied over the music before turning back toward the bar to collect her drink as she surreptitiously kept the tip of her finger over the open bottle.

“I don’t see them yet, want to hang with me for a little while?” The guy asked not reading the signals.

Olivia’s eyes flicked nervously around the bar to see if she could spot Kelly, but came up short. “Sorry no,” she offered politely, not wanting the man to ask her any further.

“Ah come on, you’re too pretty to be on your own,” he asked again, reaching out a hand to guide Olivia by the hip away from the bar.

“No thanks,” Olivia said a little more firmly than she’d intended as she pushed his hand away. “I’m good here, leave me alone please.”

“No need to be like tha…” the man trailed off as a woman slipped in beside Olivia.

“Fuck off buddy, she’s not interested.” Kelly stated flatly. She was smiling politely, but her gaze was ready to melt steel. The man scowled, finally taking the hint as he slinked away into the crowed bar.

“Well then,” Kelly grinned, “Not even here a few minutes and you’re already beating them off with a stick Blondie.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, “He wasn’t taking no for an answer.”

“You have this deer in the headlights innocent look that makes men melt,” Kelly chuckled. She looked Olivia a lot closer. “I recognized you because I know Mia but damn girl, this is a very new look for you.”

Olivia blushed, “I don’t look silly do I?”

Kelly shook her head and grinned broadly, “Not even remotely silly Mi…Olivia, you’re gorgeous and I’m jealous.” Kelly shook her head, “You know it’s funny that I’m going to trip up on calling you Mia more than… you know.”

Olivia nodded and felt a little embarrassment, “I’m not her, not like this. This is… me, I think.”

Kelly eventually managed to order a drink after shouldering her way to the bar and the pair made their way over to a booth where they were able to talk a little more freely away from the press of the crowd. Despite knowing her for years, Olivia was still extremely nervous around her partner. She knew she didn’t care, she’d seen Mia in her full glory many times and had a blast coming to shows, but this was a different situation entirely.

“So, you’re not weirded out by me?” She asked after they’d gotten settled.

Kelly shrugged and took a sip of her drink. “No, not even a bit to be honest. I’ve seen you in dresses before girly and it does seem to suit you. It’s a new look and I don’t know this version of you yet, but you’re still my partner.”

“I’m still not sure how I feel about this Kel,” Olivia admitted shyly. “It feels good, right maybe? It’s like I relate to people differently and I’m so much more free, but I still feel like I’m doing something wrong.”

“Why is it wrong?”

Olivia took a long drink of her beer and shrugged, “I don’t know, shouldn’t it be?”

Kelly shook her head and her expression softened, “No it’s not, not if its right for you. You’re the only one that matters kid.”

“That’s where I’m stuck, I have no idea.” Olivia admitted sadly. “The world tells me it’s wrong, but the more I do this, the more I don’t want it to stop.”

“Then don’t. But you need to see someone about it for sure.”

Olivia rested her elbows on the table and placed her chin on her palm. Why was she doing this? Was it for Richard or was that simply an excuse? She told herself at first that it was simply to make his life easier but she knew that wasn’t the case. Mia had been the excuse for this hadn’t she? Mia Calafia was a somewhat socially acceptable excuse to be someone else and who did she choose? A girl.

“When I first decided to continue with this after… that night, I told myself it was to ease Richard’s mind and to stay like that to prevent embarassment to him but that’s bullshit.” she sighed. “I could have just gone back to Harry and achieved the same thing.”

“Yeah,” Kelly agreed. “You didn’t though did you?”

“No.”

Kelly scooted around the booth and wrapped an arm around Olivia. “A couple of weeks ago when we had that nasty shoplifter, I told you that you were basically one of us. I didn’t mean because you were gay, I meant you specifically.”

“Me?”

Kellly nodded, “I maybe made some jokes about it, but I never really saw you as a guy, not really. I know that… technically you’re a guy, but somehow I never saw it. We’ve been partners for a year and the academy before that. I never felt like i had a guy as a partner, gay or not. It always felt like you were just another woman but a little different.”

Olivia frowned and made a face, “I feel like I should be insulted by that, but I’m not.”

“I’m no expert on this crap, I can’t tell you what specifically it is, but you’re just girly.”

“When did the woman raised by wolves become an expert on all things feminine?” Olivia smirked.

“I have the vagina card you snarky bitch.” Kelly grinned. She shook her empty drink at Olivia, wordlessly asking if she wanted another. With her answer she scooted out of the booth and vanished toward the bar.

Once she returned, Olivia chatted with her partner about less depressing matters. It felt good to be out and socializing, if only for a while. With how complicated her life was becoming, having Kelly in her corner was comforting. Raised with four brothers, the girl was a bit more brusk than most women she knew, but it was an endearing quality when mixed with Kelly’s trademark sarcastic honesty. She knew her friend would always tell her the truth.

As she took a cab back to her apartment, she contemplated Kelly’s opinions on her situation and wondered if things really were that simple. Who did it really effect other than her and Richard? If he was happy and so was she, the world’s opinions didn’t really effect her. Nobody else could decide her fate, that was all on her. All her… The more she allowed herself to think honestly, the more she knew what she’d been denying. This wasn’t for Richard, this wasn’t for anyone but herself.

The next week was exceedingly normal. Kelly didn’t seem to change how she treated Harry, but, the more she considered it, Olivia realized that she had always treated her like another girl anyway. Realizing it was what had changed.

Each night when she got home, she became Olivia once again. Her life was becoming more and more comfortable as she spent increasing time as this new version of herself. She shopped for groceries, ran errands and surfed. The only place she was really beginning to feel uncomfortable was at work. When she had to become Harry, it felt as though she was lying now. When had being who she was born as become a lie?

She knew that very little about her situation made sense. The world seemed to fit Olivia far better than it did Harry. He had existed, while she seemed to be blossoming into a more complete person. One that she was beginning to enjoy getting to know a great deal.

She’d performed two more shows since Olivia had entered the world and her appearance had raised a couple of eyebrows when she arrived at the club. Nobody had said anything to her but she could tell that they were more than curious. Her reception on stage had been as good as ever; Mia still had it despite the girl behind her’s growing turmoil. She had originally thought there was a world of difference between who she was on and off the microphone. Mia was hot, brash and sexual, a vivacious creature that lived to tease and prod. The world was her stage and she owned any room she entered.

Olivia had once thought that she personified everything that Harry was not, but she was starting to see that she shared far more with her than she realized. While she wasn’t anywhere near as loud as her stage persona, she was beginning to notice that a lot of her personality traits existed within her in a more normal way. Olivia was far more confident than Harry had ever been, her reservations currently aside. She was more ready to tease and joke and she felt more free to move and was more prepared to try new things.

Richard was a new thing she was starting to enjoy a great deal. With their work lives busy, they’d managed to snatch a few evenings together during the week. They’d only been dating for a couple of weeks, but she already felt like they were in a real relationship. She’d dated before, but nothing ever seemed to really stick. A relationship was new for her, and it was quite a rewarding experience. She found that while Harry had been frightened by the prospect, she embraced the feelings it brought her. She was really starting to feel strongly about the man.

That evening was no exception: It was Saturday night, and Olivia was sitting across from Richard in a beautiful restaurant just off Marina Del Rey. The mood was relaxed and romantic and Olivia was feeling wonderful.

“I feel very lucky tonight.” Richard said softly, caressing Olivia’s fingers across the table. “Every man in this place is jealous of me.”

Olivia blushed and looked down, “you’re too much.”

“I mean it, you look amazing.”

Olivia had dressed up a little more than she had felt comfortable with that evening. She’d taken one of Mia’s cocktail dresses and spent over an hour on her makeup. Her dress was a black silk cocktail affair with sphagetti straps that clung to her body in the right places. Her hair was up and hung in delicate ringlets. She wanted Richard to feel like she deserved to be seen with him.

“How was your case? Did you win?” She asked deflecting his attention from her appearance.

Richard shrugged, “Yeah we did, Judge ruled in the State’s favor like we expected. I don’t want to talk about work tonight though, I just want to enjoy the moment.”

“Sorry,” Olivia offered sipping her wine. “I find your work really interesting.”

“I’m glad you do, my hours aren’t exactly wonderful sometimes.” Richard admitted.

“We’re making it work,” Olivia offered, “and I like spending time with you. Even if it’s just dinner at my place or watching a movie on the sofa, its special.”

Richard smiled. “I’ve never done that with any of my past relationships you know; just spent time together. It always seemed about the sex, or about going out and being seen. I wanted to experience all the thrills and adventure.” He suddenly looked sheepish. “Not that I don’t want to do those things with you… I just love to spend time with you, it doesn’t need to be glitzy, I just want to be close.”

Olivia placed her desert fork down on her plate and pushed it away gently as she smiled at him, “yes, I know what you mean.”

“You want to head up the coast and make a day of surfing this weekend?” Richard asked hopefully, “I wanted to try Point Mugu up past Malibu, there’s a great little diner on the way back we could grab lunch at.”

Olivia smiled, “Yeah I’d love to, it would be nice. Spending the day together would be great.”

Richard grinned broadly and signalled for the waiter, “Great! We’ll get away from it all and have a blast, I can’t wait.”

The waiter brought Richard the cheque and he passed them his card as he stood and helped Olivia with her chair. “I can think of other amazing ways to spend time together too.” he whispered as he led her toward the door.

Richard pulled his car into the garage below his apartment in Santa Monica. The building was just off the main strip and had stunning views of the pier and the beach. She knew he had an expensive car, but the whole place felt like an entirely different world to her.

“I still can’t believe you’re this rich,” she marveled as she walked into the apartment with him.

Richard shrugged dismissively, “crime pays, well, arguing in court about crime does at least. Why? You only in this for the money like all the other girls?”

Olivia gently slapped his arm as he led her to the huge floor to ceiling windows of the living room. “I did it for the view.”

Richard grinned and retreated to a small bar at the side of the room and retrieved a bottle of champagne and a pair of glasses. “A drink?”

Olivia nodded, still staring out over the twinkling lights of the city toward the beach. “It’s beautiful up here.”

Richard popped the cork and poured two glasses. “You know, I bought it for the proximity to work. I wasn’t really that worried about the view beyond it being close enough to the beach to surf.”

Olivia took one of the offered glasses and smiled, “if I lived here I’d watch the sunset every day.”

Richard gently took her elbow and turned her to face him. “You’re so beautiful tonight.” he murmured, staring into her eyes. “Every day you just seem to amaze me again and again. I don’t know how you do it.”

Olivia glanced away then back up at him, “I feel lucky that you even want me,” she admitted shyly. “I never dreamed I’d find someone like you.”

Richard took her glass and placed it with his on the edge of a sidetable. He shook his head gently, “I’m the lucky one. I found someone that makes me want to slow down and enjoy life. someone that I care very deeply about and want to spend time with. She’s beautiful, exciting and an intellectual equal that I can talk to.”

Olivia blushed deeply as she stared into Richard’s eyes. “You’re being too generous,” she whispered softly, “I’m so broken.”

Richard shook his head and wrapped his arms around her waist. He lowered his head until they were almost eye to eye. “You’re not broken, you’re perfect.” He silenced any reply by kissing her gently on the lips.

Richard pulled their bodies together as they kissed and Olivia’s heart fluttered. The world around them seemed to close in until it was just a small bubble of existence occupied by two human beings. She returned his kiss with passion as his hands slid lower until they cupped her rear, the soft silk of her dress moving gently against her skin felt sensational.

Olivia felt her lips part and she moaned hungrily as Richard’s tongue slipped into her mouth. She ran her fingers through his hair as they stood entwined by the window, the lights of the city glittering like stars in the night sky.

Being this close to Richard did strange things to Olivia. She felt weak in his arms, yet, at the same time she buzzed with electricity. His every touch seemed to reach into her very being. Here in his arms, the world simply didn’t matter.

Richard withdrew gently and brushed a strand of hair from her eyes as he gazed at her with a silly expression. For such a confident man, he looked so innocently boyish at times she thought. She smiled shyly and pressed against his body. She knew what he wanted to do with the rest of their evening, and she wanted him just as much.

Richard took her hand and led her through to the bedroom. Thankfully, the blinds were drawn over the massive window as he led her toward the bed. Olivia’s breath caught in her throat as he slipped the straps of her dress from her shoulders and let it slide to the floor.

Olivia woke early the next morning. It took her a moment to recognize the unfamiliar surroundings in which she found herself. She could feel warmth beside her and glanced across to see Richard’s sleeping form beneath the sheets. She smiled happily, her heart singing proudly. He had been such a tender and considerate lover the night before she had wanted to cry.

She looked down at her own body under the knot of sheets that was partially covering her and felt disappointment well inside her. It seemed that every moment Olivia existed, Harry became more of a reminder that she was wrong. Each moment she felt a shard of happiness, he remind her that she was so very wrong. Slipping from the sheets, she wrapped herself as best she could with her dress and slipped into the bathroom. Self consciously, she locked the door behind herself and stepped into the shower.

Fifteen minutes later she returned to the bedroom wrapped in a towel and approached the bed. Richard was still sleeping and she knelt beside him. He looked so peaceful, it felt almost sinful to wake him but she had to go to work in two hours. She gently kissed him on the lips and stroked his cheek to rouse him.

Richard stirred and his eyes fluttered open. He glanced at her and smiled sleepily.

“Can you drive me home?” she asked softly, “I have to work.”

Richard’s sleepy smile transformed into a sly grin as he pulled her on top of him. Olivia squeaked and grabbed her towel as she landed on Richard’s chest. “I’m serious,” she pouted, “I’ve got a shift this morning.”

Richard kissed her playfully and rolled her off so he could climb out of bed. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll run you home. I’m just disapointed we can’t spend the morning in bed together.”

Olivia sat up on the covers and smiled sadly, “I’d far rather stay here with you today.”

While Richard showered and cleaned himself up for the day, Olivia changed back into her underwear then glanced at the dress that now lay on the foot of the bed. She grimaced and chose not to highlight her commute of shame. Checking Richard’s wardrobe she spotted a white shirt and snatched it from the hangar. Grabbing one of his belts she shrugged into the large shirt and buttoned it most of the way up before wrapping the belt around her waist. Rolling the sleeves, she slipped into her heels and applied a light amount of makeup and checked her reflection in the mirror.

She still had that ‘Spent the night at her boyfriend’s place’ look, but it was far better than the previous evening’s dress. Slipping into the kitchen, she managed to find her way enough to make a pot of coffee and a locate a pair of mugs. By the time Richard emerged fully dressed from the bedroom, she was sitting at the breakfast bar sipping her steaming elixir and feeling far more human.

“I can get used to this you know,” he grinned taking the offered mug. “Is that my shirt?”

Olivia grinned and nodded. “I didn’t want to look cheap going home in last night’s dress.”

Richard rolled his eyes and smirked. “Come on, my car’s downstairs.”

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