It is amazing how an unsolicited phone call can turn your day upside down. I’d been on the phone for almost half an hour with one of these before I ended the call feeling both mystified and frustrated. I sat at my desk for well over half an hour trying to make some sense of what had transpired on the call. Finally, I called out to Sue Fredericks, my No 2 and right-hand woman.

“Sue, what’s my diary like for the rest of the week?”

I’m sure that my request took her by surprise but as ever, she didn’t bat an eyelid.

“You have a meeting with the prospective PCB suppliers pencilled in for Thursday but so far, they have not confirmed it. Otherwise, there is nothing that can’t be put off. Why?”

I got up and went to face her.

“That call was both interesting and disturbing. I need to make some calls but it is highly likely that I’ll be heading down to London. There are a couple of people that I need to see sooner rather than later.”

“Something serious then?”

“That’s just it, I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. The call might have been a fishing expedition but there are a couple of old University mates that will have a better idea than me. Stuck here on the edge of the known world, we tend to let most of the world pass us by, don’t we?”

Sue laughed.
Grimsby is hardly on any main tourist route and because of the frankly abysmal UK road system, you have to make a decisive effort to get to our neck of the woods. The only tourists we get are those who are hopelessly lost on their way to somewhere far more important such as Devon.

“Being on the edge of the world is what helps make it nice and peaceful here,” she joked. Her husband was from across the Humber in Hull.

“Sleeping while standing up, more like and that’s why I setup shop here. But… Well, I won’t say anything more until I know more.”

Sue mimicked a zip closing her mouth.

I sighed. That woman was a wonder and about the only good thing to come out of my marriage to Jessica. Sue had been my former wife’s, Jessica’s BFF all through their university days. Jessica had managed almost two years in Grimsby before trading me in for a newer model from the far hipper and cooler City of Manchester.

“Thanks Sue. It may be nothing but it can’t hurt to check it out.”

That night, I made a few phone calls and set up a couple of meetings for late the next day and early the day after. That meant spending a night in London and paying London prices for everything, but I had to find out what the unexpected call had meant.

---

[the next afternoon]
"Mr Johns will see you now," said a drone secretary with enough makeup on her face to sink a battleship. Her job was to very much, 'repel all boarders' but as my name was on 'the list', she had to let me into the inner sanctum of Steve Johns, assistant head of Mergers and Acquisitions for a London Merchant Bank.

My appointment was for 14:00 and it was now close to 15:00. The ‘drone’ had not even told him that I was here and waiting until 14:30. My ‘Sue’ could teach her a thing or two about the proper way to manage a manager and to dress in a way that told everyone that she was a woman but strictly ‘hands off’. This secretary had gone out of her way to make herself look like a clone of a catwalk model from when they all had ultra-short hair. The absence of any makeup or perfume plus dressing like a man told me all I needed to know about her. I would never have dated her in a million years.

I got up and followed her into the inner sanctum.

“Tony! How great to see you again,” said Steve.

Steve Johns was in my eyes, a phoney, always had been and always will be but somehow, he’d wangled his way into this job, so if I had to suck up to him for an hour or so then so be it.

“Likewise, Steve.”

I looked around at the ‘drone’. She was still hovering as if she was waiting for a coded instruction from her master.

“Claire, this my old Uni drinking buddy, Ant Richardson. How long has it been Ant?”

“Too long Steve.”

“That will be all Claire. Please tell Mr Brooks that I’ll see him at 08:00 tomorrow.”

‘Claire’ looked a bit indignant that this interloper was affecting the smooth running of her domain, but she nodded her head and left us alone.

“Take a seat Ant, I was beginning to think that you weren’t coming.”

“I was here on time but ‘Claire’ took an instant dislike to me so waited for half an hour before realising that I was not going away to announce my presence.”

Steve smiled.
“Claire is there to repel boarders and by the cut of your suit, you clearly fall into the pirate gang.”

“Most weeks, I don’t wear this POS.”

“You always were a more hands on sort of guy. I see from you last filing with companies house that your business is doing well.”

“Don’t give me that crap Steve. You had forgotten all about a minnow like me until you read my email.”

Steve smiled.
“Yeah. You got me. But your email intrigued me so why are you really here?”

“Have you heard of a company called Nimonic Investments, and an individual called Toby Youngman?”

The smile that was on Steve’s face disappeared in a flash.
“Toby Youngman is a leech, a slimy poisonous blood sucking leech. How do you know him or even about him? That creature is the lowest of the low in M&A. He really is in the pirate class. Claire would eat him for lunch and spit out just his guts.”

“Thanks for that description, Steve. He called me out of the blue yesterday morning and tried to get me to sign up for his services.”

“I will say one thing for that slimeball, he is generally aware of a bid for a company long before the rest of us. We hate him with a vengeance as he tries to milk us for way too much in consultancy fees as well as some rather dubious share dealings if you get my meaning. But… somehow, he gets wind of a deal months and months before the rest of us. That is his only redeeming character.”

I had much the same view of him from the searching I’d done the previous evening.

“What did he say? Was it something like ‘I have heard a rumour that an unnamed company is going to prepare a bid for your company. I can’t say who it is but if you sign up with me, I’ll make sure that you get a good deal?”

“That’s pretty close. That’s why I thought of you. I’m far too small a fry for your company to be interested but…?”

“You want some independent advice on the cheap?”

I smiled.
“Something like that. I can see that he is well known to you so how about it?”

Steve leaned back in his very expensive swivel chair. After looking me over once more, he smiled and said,

“You would do well to stay the hell away from him and his ilk. I can put you onto a good advisor who won’t try to rip you off… Not if they want any business from us in the future if you know what I mean?”

“That would help. I have a meeting setup for tomorrow with Rona McDaid. Dave Porter, do you remember him? I spoke to him yesterday and he recommended Rona. I called her and within a few minutes, she told me that she would meet me tomorrow.”

Steve smiled.
“My… you have been busy. Rona is as good as anyone when it comes to business restructuring to stop a slimeball like Toby. If she has agreed to meet you so quickly then she might still be smarting after her last encounter with Toby. He tried to frame her for insider dealing only to find that it was one of the companies’ chief accountant that was doing it and paying him off with part of the profits. Even so, the FCA had a few words with her afterwards or so the rumour mill was saying that the time.”

I smiled.
“I remembered the lecture that Prof Acres gave us in our final year. She had some good ideas about managing a hostile takeover but that is a long time ago and things have moved on a lot since then.”

“Rona won’t come cheap, but she is about the best independent advisor there is. If I were you, I’d offer her a bit of the company so that when the bid comes, she has a vested interest to talk it up. That way, you could defer any payment to her for a while if you know what I mean.”

I’d read a lot of reports about Rona and how she worked. Steve was confirming that.

“I’ll think about it when the time comes.”

Steve looked at his watch.

“Want to have a good thrashing on the court? I have one booked in half an hour.”

We used to play squash against each other when we were at Uni. I used to beat him four times out of five.

“Sorry Steve, I’ll have to pass on that. I’ve not played in six or seven years. It would be a massacre judging buy the trophies in your cabinet.”

“Shame about that. I’d love to get the chance to even the score… just a little bit.”

Steve was a giant of a man compared to my relatively tiny physique. Yet I was always nimbler on my feet than him. That was then and it was clear that he was taking ‘working out’ to a whole new level. I did wonder if some steroids were helping him put on so much muscle.

“Another time maybe?”

“Yeah.”

That was it, my audience was over.

I stepped out of the building that contained his office feeling rather unclean. Luckily, my hotel was just a few stops away on the tube and a walk over the river to the south bank. I needed a stiff drink and a good shower.

---

[The next day]

I’d arranged to meet Rona McDaid at Speakers Corner. As it was the weekend, there were a lot of tourists taking selfies of themselves and a few soapbox speakers, but I recognised her from her press photos.

“Rona? I’m Tony Randall.”

She smiled and stuck out her hand.
“Pleased to meet you. Shall we walk and talk? Any excuse to get out from behind my desk for an hour besides, there is less chance of being overheard isn’t there?”

I knew that I was going to like Rona from that moment. She didn't beat about the bush.

We walked in the general direction of the Royal Albert Hall. I did most of the talking to start with. I could tell by the various facial expressions that some of what I was saying was good but mostly bad.

At the end of my explanation, she simply said,
“If I were to offer you say thirty million in cash for your company right now… would you accept it?”

I was taken a bit by surprise by the question.

“I’d have to think about it. There is more than money at stake here.”

She grinned back at me.
“That is the right answer. You are thinking beyond the money. That is good in my view. Well, it has to be or we would not be having this discussion. I don’t like timewasters. From what you have said, you care deeply about both the business and the people who work for you, but you are only too aware of the dangers that lie ahead for operations like you who need to expand to keep up with demand. You will need the financing but don’t want the problems that dealing with most financiers would involve especially those ratbags who call themselves Venture Capitalists…They are the only other option as the banks are only interested in 150% security which you don’t have. Your company is profitable but lacks the cash in the bank to make the investment that is needed to take it to the next level and you are reluctant to dilute your shareholding by more than a few percent…”

This woman had clearly done her research on me and my company.

“I think that we can do business. Why don’t we head back the way we came and we can draw up some terms of engagement for my help… If you still want it that is?”

“I think so, but what if there is no offer for my company?”

“You and I will have a relationship going forward because I’ll own a tiny bit of the company. Not enough to force a seat on the board, I don’t to this active investor thing, but if I own a stake in the business, then I am always ready to discuss the business with you. I have contacts that could provide the much-needed financing at a level of interest that would be far more acceptable than most other sources. Therefore, it is in both our interests for your company to succeed, isn’t it?”

“It is. Thanks… Yes, I think we can come to some agreement.”

[three hours later]
Those three hours went by in a flash. Rona took either a 1% or a 5% stake in my company depending on what happened in the next six months. She was right about a ‘small’ stake and was very acceptable to me. In return, I had a plan to structure the business so that if a takeover came and was too good to refuse, everyone in the business would get some of the proceeds. The sums she mentioned were to my eyes, silly money but she laid it out for me. She was able to take my business apart with just the financial statements and the press releases of my clients. She knew how big my order book was to within 10% and that was genuinely scary. If she could do that in less than 24 hours, then this mysterious company could do the same… If nothing happened then she’d own 1% as payment for her services in restructuring the company ownership. I liked her way of working. Involving her didn't cripple my cash flow.

Her final words were,
“Take the contract and run it past your legal people. If they ok it then sign it and send it back then we are in this together. I hate seeing small business get taken to the cleaners by the likes of Toby Youngman.”

I got on the train back to deepest, darkest Grimsby feeling a lot happier.

The deal with Rona was signed off less than a week later. I put in place a plan that would benefit my employees should a takeover happen within a year.

---

[Four months later]

Business was booming thanks to the rapid expansion of wind power in the North Sea. I’d almost forgotten about Rona and our deal when she called me out of the blue late on Friday afternoon.

“Toby Slimeball Youngman is going to put in an offer on behalf of an unnamed company on Monday. Call me when he makes the offer. I should have more information to share by then.”

That was it, short and sweet… well depending on which side of the fence you were on. I did hear an announcer in the background. It sounded like she was in a Railway Station somewhere. However, what she said was right to the point. It was going to ruin my weekend for sure but that sort of thing happens if you are a business owner.

---

[Monday afternoon]

Toby Youngman called just before 15:00. I’d just opened the email that contained the details of the offer. I feigned ignorance of the email and just listened to him rant on about the opportunity of a lifetime that would set me up for life and other crap. I sort of tuned him out while I scanned the email.

The big problem was the sum that they were offering. Rona's off-the-cuff valuation was more than double their opening offer. That set alarm bells ringing but I held off telling him to take a hike into the path of an oncoming train. That would come later.

I listened to him and thanked him for the heads up on the offer and that it would receive my attention the next day. Before he called, I had been right in the middle of making sure that our latest VAT return was correct. That was more important in the short term than some out-of-the-blue takeover being fronted by a poisonous leech.

I spent the rest of the afternoon checking over the return before sending the details to our accountant. He'd check them as well and if they were ok, he'd make the filing before the end of Tuesday.

With the dreaded VAT out of the way, I looked that the offer document once again. It appeared to be written in half a dozen styles which made it likely that it was a cut/paste job from other bid documents. That struck me as pure laziness. I was very much in the ‘if a job is worth doing then it is worth doing well’ camp.

Once I had read it all and resisted sending back a simple ‘On Yer Bike’ message, I forwarded it to Rona and followed that up with a text.

A few minutes later, she responded with ‘Got it! I’ll call you later to discuss.’

That was all I could hope for so after printing out the whole offer document and the associated attachments I gathered my things and went home.

---

Rona called me just before 20:00 that evening.

Her opening remark was simple…
“Interesting but also an insult.”

“That’s what I was thinking. Their valuation is a load of bollocks to put it bluntly.”

She laughed.
“Exactly and this is why you should reject it out of hand, but not before Friday Afternoon.”

It took me a few seconds to twig what she was on about.

“You want them to work all weekend on a new bid?”

“I do and also give us time to plan our next move.”

“When we did the restructuring, you went into great detail how you came to your valuation. Things have moved on with the backlog. The new version of the product is selling well beyond our initial expectations. I’ve put the wheels in motion to hire another six people.”

I heard a chuckle down the phone.
“If that is true then this offer is even more of an insult. Hold on a moment.”

Rona left me hanging on the phone for almost a minute. When she returned, she said,
“Sorry about that. I think I can put a few things on hold for this week. How about I drop by after work tomorrow? I don’t want to come to the factory you never know who is watching the comings and goings.”

What she said made perfect sense but…

I looked around at my home. Since I'd been living on my own, I'd let things slip. For a moment I panicked. Then I relaxed. She'd have to take my home as she sees it. Deep down, I knew that it was a mess, but all I could do was a bit of tidying. A proper deep clean would take days, days that I just didn't have.

Rona must have detected my hesitation.
“Is there something wrong?”

“No… It will be fine. What time will you be here? I’ll need some time to whip up something to eat.”

“Don’t worry yourself on that. I’ll bring something with me. I’ll be there about six.”

She’d let me off that small hook.

“Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I hung up feeling both relieved and anxious. Relieved that I would not have to cook something and anxious because I knew that no matter what I did to tidy the place, she’d see right through it.

Although my mind was on the bid, I spent the rest of the evening cleaning the kitchen and downstairs toilet. At least they’d be semi-decent for Rona.

---

I fully expected a phone call from Toby 'sleazebag' the next day, but none materialised which was a relief more than anything. I went home at a decent time hoping to be able to clean a bit more of the house before Rona arrived, but she was waiting for me.

“Sorry for being early, I got a bit carried away with the food and it will take a bit longer to prepare than I had hoped.”

“No problem,” I replied knowing deep down that it was a big problem.

I let her into the house while I put her car into my garage. If someone was watching then they’d see my car outside or that was what I hoped.

I went into the kitchen to face the music. Rona was busy with the food preparation so I played my part and opened the bottle of wine that she’d brought. Then I did panic. If we drank the whole thing then she’d not be able to drive.

I poured us both a small glass for which I got a ‘thanks’. Then I disappeared and headed upstairs to make up a bed in the guest room. At least that room had not been turned into a junk room like the other two bedrooms. I did my best at tidying everything before the smells of dinner began wafting up from the kitchen.

I went back to the kitchen. Rona was frying off some onions. Without even blinking she remarked,

“You need a housekeeper.”

She’d got me there. I knew that I did. She wasn’t the first person to mention it, but something always got in the way of me sorting one out. I’m sure that my expression changed as she looked at me and smiled.

“I know just the person for the job.”

I was coming to appreciate that Rona was a woman who said very little but when she did, you listened.

[to be continued]
This story was inspired by the artwork shown below. It was on the wall of an hotel in Trondheim, Norway in July 2022. I will be back in Trondheim on my way to Nordkapp next Thursday night but at a different hotel. I wonder what inspiration I will get this year?