Idol

Idol - 1984- Age 15
I should try and be normal!

The strange woman sat on the side of the bed. She started telling me how much she loved me and she was so proud of my success. She promised that it was hard for her to be separated from me, but now we will always be together. Then she got a bit stern and asked me why I always dressed as a tomboy. She told me I was always the prettiest girl and it was a shame to try and be something that I was not. I could feel a tear running down my face. I was not afraid. I knew this woman was not dangerous and in a way, she reminded me so much of my mother. I even wondered if she was an angel. I did not scream or say anything. She stopped talking to me and began singing a lullaby.

Then all hell broke loose. John (my bodyguard) came in and dragged her from the side of the bed. The strange woman was pleading and screaming as high as she could. The screaming caused so much chaos that Dad came up to the room. His eyes were red and he was sweaty. In other words, he was as high as a kite. Now we had the woman screaming, and Dad screaming at John blaming him for a lack of security. I was in tears and begged John to take an easy on the woman. Then Dad vented his anger at me by saying it was all my fault and I was a wimp and a crybaby.

The next few days were chaos, where Dad bought a mansion in the rich area of town. Despite the new mansion being in my name, I had no say in where we would live or what mansion we would have. It made me think about how rich I was and how could Dad decide what to do with my money? I also did not like that the new mansion was like Fort Knox and that I would be living so far away from Chloe and Nick. The only good thing was that Stepmom would be living in luxury. It was also something I had to get used to, a life living in a mansion, cooks and servants and a limousine.

I could not forget the woman that intruded on my house. I felt sorry for her. She must have big problems thinking I was her child. She made me remember my mom that died when before I even started school. The memory of my mom made me cry myself to sleep every night. I missed her so much but the memories I had of her were very vague. When I closed my eyes, it was hard to see her. Besides that, I still blamed myself for her death.

Chloe was different now that she was my girlfriend. She always wanted to be romantic, like holding hands and kissing. She wanted us to express our deepest feelings. She had lots of plans for the future. I had a problem. Chloe was a great friend, but I could not be romantic with her. It felt so wrong. Still, I did like the idea of having a girlfriend. I just had to learn how to be romantic.

Cameron was now free to do what he wanted. He no longer spoke with Dad or Ronny. I admired Cameron. He had a talent for songwriting and he was the reason that I was so famous. Cameron wanted to write songs for others and even produce songs and albums. At the same time, he did not want to hurt me, so he asked me for my blessing. I told him to follow his dreams. I knew that he would help a lot of people's careers. It was now that I felt close to Cameron. We supported each other. It was a shame that Dad did not support Cameron. He accused him of being a traitor and would never write a song for me again.

I should not have been sad. "Hot Memories" sold an astonishing 25 million albums and had several hit singles. Only Micheal Jackson was selling more and I could live with that. I was now a superstar on a pedestal with so many other legends. This was hard to believe. I was only 15 and was at the height of fame. Chloe and Nick were always there to make sure that I remained humble and didn't become some diva. The only problem I had was my dad, that was never satisfied. He wanted more success. He talked about me doing more tours, albums and films. There was no time to enjoy the success that I had now. Dad's plans sometimes stressed me.

I should have enjoyed the success, but since the strange woman intruded in my room, I felt so bad. I do not think I was depressed. I just felt as if the memories of my mother and granny were slowly fading away. I wanted to remember them. I would look at old photo albums where I was dressed as a girl, and they would be standing next to me with smiles on my face. Those were the days when I could look pretty. Now I could dress in long tops that reminded me of a dress or wear limited makeup. This helped me remember who I was and remember my mother and granny.

It was also around now that I stopped wetting the bed. I took this as a sign that I was growing up. It made me think of a lot of things. Maybe I should be more responsible and be the person my fans wanted me to be. I was sure my voice would break soon and I would start getting a beard. I should have experienced some signs I was no longer a child by now, but I suppose the puberty blockers I had years ago delayed that. It still made me think that my body would look more male, and that would make me look strange if I still wore feminine things. I have seen pictures of drag queens, and some were not pretty. I needed to act my age. I must admit that this was hard and it took me some time to tell Stepmom that I did not need diapers anymore

My private life was a mess. It seemed as if Chloe was always getting mad at me. She wanted me to be more romantic, and I could not do this the way that she wanted. I did try, but somehow something was stopping me. At times, she accused me that I only wanted to be her boyfriend to stop rumours in the press that I was gay. How could I respond to this? It was the truth. Chloe was my best friend and I figured if anyone could be my girlfriend, it should have been her. I also knew that it would stop any gay rumours. I thought I could be romantic with Chloe. The truth was that I was just using her.

My professional life was going great. I was invited to the grammy show. I took Chloe with me. She was very shy with all the pictures that were being taken. I told her that she was now an important part of my world, and this was part of it. I was nominated for several Grammys and won one for "Memories." I think everyone in the audience shed a tear when I dedicated the Grammy to my mother. Cameron also won an award for being the best songwriter. I was so proud of him. It was a good night especially because Chloe and I did not fight. We even held hands and I kissed her when I won the grammy.

Cameron spoke with me after the awards. He was happy as he was writing some songs for another pop singer and even producing the album. He wanted to warn me about Dad. Cameron said that I should realize that I was rich. I would get the money when I was 18. That is if there was any money left. Dad administered my money and it was my money that was paying for Dad's Luxus lifestyle as well as drugs and drink. There were rumours that Dad paid himself an excessive wage as my manager and he had made bad investments on my behalf. I understood what Cameron was saying... I should not trust my Dad.

Nick was openly gay, which Dad did not like. However, Nick was a good friend and I did not care what his sexual orientation was. Nick was a bit like me, he always liked dressing as a girl, but the difference was he never lived as a girl. It was just dressing up. He wanted to dress up as a girl with me one day and was disappointed when I said no. I explained that it was time that I grew up and I had to take care of my image and reputation. I could no longer be a sissy and pretend that I was a girl. Nick sighed and told me that the makeup I used, long t-shirts and tight pants were a way of looking feminine. Why was I ignoring who I was and so worried about what fans and the media thought about me?

I just wanted peace in my life. I did not want the media, fans or Dad judging me. I wanted to be normal and not have to hide secrets and lie all the time. I even tried patching things up with my oldest brother Ronny. He did not want to speak with me and blamed me for ruining his life.

It was time to grow up. My voice finally started to break. The doctor told me that my voice will never be deep and that I could always hit the high notes. Still, it would not be a child's voice. Dad did not like this, as he said it was a gay voice. Dad did not listen to the doctor when he said that I needed to take a break from singing, and let my vocal cords adjust and grow. Dad decided that I would once again be going on a tour.

Nick and Chloe were once again backing singers, and we had just as much fun as we did on the previous tour. I should have been pleased with the tour. It was sold out and the reviews were good. However, there were still arguments between Chloe and me as she thought that I did not show her enough affection. This was not the worse. It was extremely hard to perform. Because my voice was changing, I could not always hit the right notes. This made Dad so mad every time, as he blamed me for not trying enough. I did not like when we had to cancel several concerts because I could not sing. I was lucky that my fans seemed to have understood.

After the tour was done, I had a big argument with Dad. It was when he complained that we had to refund tickets and the tour did not make as much as it could. I got mad and asked him how much money did I have? What was his wage? Was I not old enough that I could decide what my money would be used for? This outburst made Dad mad. He told me it was not my money but the family's money! I would not have had success if it was not because of him. Dad wanted me to admit that I needed him.

I admitted it and hid for a week in my room watching Shirley Temple films. I have done what mom wanted and I have done what everyone else wanted. I became famous and was the most famous teen on earth. I also thought that Shirley Temple retired when she was an adult. People loved her as a child star but could not accept her as an adult. She stopped acting and did other things that she wanted. It made me think if people would like me now that I was on the verge of becoming an adult?

Should I retire while I was at the top?

Nick visited me and tried to cheer me up. We talked about everything except fame. I started smiling as we acted like teens. We were soon laughing and ended up wrestling on the bed. Nick ended up pinning me down, and then it happened. It was not his fault or my fault. It was as if time stopped.... as we kissed each other.