Idol

Idol - 1983- Age 14
It's all based on lies

The tour was over. It was sold out and the reviews were great. I am sure that millions were made. Besides the tour, I had an album that sold 8 million copies and several hit singles. I also had a movie that had done well, and another one on its way. I do not know how anyone could complain about my career and how it was going. This was not the case. They were worried about the rumours that were in the newspapers that I wore diapers. The PR department in the record company was using a lot of effort trying to convince the fans that the public that the picture was fake and asked why would a teenager wear a diaper. I felt sorta bad, as it was a lie. I did use diapers. Would the fans know it was a lie? In any case, Dad said that he always knew that my strange sissy and baby ways would ruin me. I always felt like a problem and inferior when Dad was around.

Cameron was also in Dad's bad book. He wanted to write songs for other artists. Cameron had a lot of money from the royalties from the songs he wrote for me. He told me that he had lots of ideas, and he wanted to live a good life from songwriting. My reaction was to support his wishes, as long as he wrote songs for me. I wanted him to do what he loved and live the life that he wanted. Dad would not accept it and for some reason, it was against the contract that Cameron had. Cameron could only work for me for 2 albums. This upset Cameron and he promised never to speak to Dad again. I hoped that he was not mad at me.

I was receiving a lot of fan mail. John, my bodyguard went through it. He took out all the weird letters. These were mainly the sexual ones. The scary ones were the death threats and the threats to kidnap me. I wondered why these were not given to the police. John told me that most were harmless and that if the police did investigate them all, they would need a whole police department to do it. I tried not to think so much about the threats, as it would only scare me. I did overhear John talk to my dad about one woman who constantly wrote claiming that I was her son. John wanted us to take these letters seriously, but Dad just ignored him, saying that she just wanted money.

I visited mom's and granny's graves. They were next to each other in a family plot. This was one of the times that I could escape and think and talk with the two people that loved me the most. There was still a debate in the media if I wore diapers or not, and Dad was still trying to make me into a macho man. I missed the days when mom or granny would dress me in pretty girl clothes or brush my hair. I missed the days when I could just play with dolls. Still, I now achieved Mom's and Grannies' wishes. I was a celebrity and had success. I started crying and asked mom and granny in heaven who I was. Was I the teen sex symbol that made girls scream or a sissy baby that hid this side of me from the world? Was Chloe right when she said I was just gender fluid? I cried begging for an answer on who I was and what the world should know. I heard some blitzes as the paparazzi were hiding in the bushes taking pictures.

It was time to record another album. There was a lot of pressure on me as the record company was afraid that the bubble has burst. The media was still debating if I wore diapers or not. Did I have a fetish? The good thing was that Nick and Chloe were allowed in the studio. They were once again backing singers. Cameron also had some songs ready, that was way better than the previous songs that he had written. There were some very powerful ballads as well as cool dance songs. The album would be called "Hot Memories." I loved one of the songs called "Memories", as it was a strong ballad that was about my mother. Chloe cried when she heard the song.

Even Mr Spenser (the record company executive) loved the album. He did tell me that I needed to work on promotion for the record. This meant more photoshoots and interviews. I did not want to do the interviews, as I did not like the personal questions. I was afraid that I would tell a secret that Dad did not want the world to know. What would happen if I admitted that I was a bedwetter and the diaper rumours were true. Dad would kill me if I admitted that I used to wear girl clothes. The tablets that Dad gave me made things much easier. I was now constantly using them. They gave me energy and made me giddy and more submissive.

I was allowed to pick my clothes now. I tended to wear long tops that went to my thighs and tight jeans or leggings. Dad did not like this style, as he wanted me to dress more conservatively. I liked this style as it was my style. Nick said that the long tops looked like dresses. I knew he was joking, but in a way, he had a point. Maybe this was my way of telling the world that I did not identify myself as a boy or a girl. I could be both!

The Jesus film was released, and it went to number one at the box office. The reviews were mixed. Some loved my performance, and some thought I was trying too hard. I paid a lot of attention to the reviews while Dad said that it was the ticket sales that mattered. The film was helped by the first song from "Hot Memories" that was called "It's Party Time." which was a bubble gum pop song. It was a top 10 song. Of course, Dad was not satisfied. He expected another number one.

Dad came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea. I was to do a concert at my old school and it would be televised. I was unsure about this. I remember the other children used to tease and bully me because I was small for my age and girly. I did want to see that school again. When I whined about it, Dad would just give me some tablets. They made me happy and I didn't care. The show came and it was held in the gym. The same people that were teasing me years before were now cheering for me. The show went great until I started to hear echoes and the room started revolving around me. I stopped singing as I started to feel strange all over my body. My heart was galloping. I collapsed. I don't remember much after this, except people panicking and being lifted out on a stretcher.

The next thing I knew was that I was in the hospital. I was not sick. The doctor explained that I was taking too many tablets. My heart could not deal with this. Dad was more concerned that the news would leak and people would think that I was a drug addict. This would be bad for my career. Stepmom was shocked when she heard that Dad had been drugging me. She thought it was child abuse and had wanted to tell the authorities. She even wanted to leave Dad but said it would only mean I would have no one that would protect me. I think whatever love Stepmom had for Dad vanished and she started to hate the man she married.

I was at home recovering after the hospital. The press was told that I was exhausted and that Dad wanted me to rest. The press made him look like the father of the year. It was my stepmom that insisted that I had time to rest. Dad did not waste time. He would tell me about his ambitions and the plans that he had for me. He would warn me that the press should not know about my sissy or baby fetishes. I had to be a teen idol that every girl wanted to have as a boyfriend. I also had to be a good catholic and had to appear pure and have a healthy religious morality. There were so many lies that the media was told. This meant that the fans did not know who I really was.

My bodyguard was still afraid of some woman that claimed she was my mother. He was sure that she was stalking me. Dad told him not to worry. There was very little she could do besides buy my albums. The world was full of strange people and I was a target for their crazy ways. I did not know if Dad even knew what he was saying. He was becoming worse than Ronny as he was beginning to drink a lot more and sniff powder. His excuse was that it was stressful being my manager. His worse problem was to hide the truth about me that I was a sissy and a baby. This made me feel guilty. Dad was becoming a drug addict and alcoholic because of me. Did I also make Ronny one?

There were still rumours about the diapers and some were asking why I had knee-length tops on. I refused to answer these questions. The only comment was that I thought I dressed better than many pop or rockstars. Humour goes a long way! I did not want them to think I was transgender. Besides, it was none of their business, I did not consider myself transgender. I was gender fluid. A lot of rockstars wore make-up and dressed weirdly. I was learning fast to only talk about my career and leave my private life out of interviews. They only wanted to talk about Ronny being an addict, my mom's death or diapers. Nick thought it was a mistake. He thought I could be a role model for many teens like me.

Dad did not like the way I dressed. He thought it too feminine. I was getting older and listened to him less and less. He never had anything good to say to me and never praised me for the success I had. It was never enough. He boasted how much he had to protect my image. He would get drunk and tell me how embarrassed he was with me and how ashamed he was. This hurt like a knife every time he had said it. I think it was, for this reason, that I started wearing eye makeup. I was telling Dad in this way that I decided how I looked. It was my money that paid for his drugs.

I had a huge argument with Dad one day when he once again called me a freak and a wimp. I was on my way to a talk show to promote the upcoming single. I started by telling the host that the next single was about my mother and how much I missed her. The host wanted to ask me about my collapse. I interrupted him and admitted that the rumours about diapers were true. I told the audience, "I am not ashamed that I use them. It does not mean that I am a baby. They keep my bed dry and one day I will not need them. Millions of boys and girls wet their beds and they are teased or made to feel ashamed about it. Some are punished. You are not alone!"

Dad was waiting for me in the green room. He was not mad. He just mumbled that I just destroyed my career. He was wrong. The media loved me for my honesty and I would stand up for bedwetters. As far as I know, this was never done by a celebrity before. Both "memories" and the album "Hot Memories" went to the top. This was a time when Michael Jackson was having a huge success with "Thriller" and the charts were dominated by David Bowie, Wham and Culture Club. I was so proud that I had so many fans that supported me! It was a humble feeling knowing that you are at the top of the charts and selling millions. Even Elton John sent me a telegram congratulating me.

Shortly after the album was released, there was an article in the newspaper that I was gay. It quickly became a public debate. This hurt me a lot more than the diaper rumours, as I did not know my sexual orientation. At 14, it was not important for me. I was worried about what my fans would think about this. This was 1983 and being gay was not cool. The record company wanted me to deny it. I told them if I said no, they would not believe it and write what they wanted. Once again I did not think it was their business.

Chloe told me not to worry about it. Then I got an idea. I asked Chloe if she wanted to be my girlfriend. I tried telling her it had nothing to do with the gay rumours, which was not all that true. She smile and told me that she always had a soft spot for me. We were now boyfriend and girlfriend. A few days later, the record company leaked this news to the media, except the media was told that Chloe had been my girlfriend for a few months. It was another lie...

The gay rumour was dead. I now had another hit single and album and a girlfriend. I was in bed one night thinking that my granny and mom would be proud of me. I was still famous and it seemed like my fame was growing all the time. My smile disappeared when a woman suddenly was standing next to my bed.