Dear mum,

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love you have given me throughout my life. I know the sacrifices you have made to raise me and my brothers. The long hours you worked to put food on the table. Scrimping and saving to take us away on holidays.

Now that I’m old enough to understand you explained that dad never wanted children. Which explains why he rarely came on holiday with us. Why he never did things with us like our friend’s dad’s did. I can forgive him that. I understand now people want what they want.

You were so strong to stay with him after he beat you up that night when I was ten. You lost your front teeth and had two black eyes. You knew you would have to go back to him if we were to have any semblance of a normal family life. I can’t ever forgive him that. Even though he is not here anymore to ask. I would never understand a man punching his wife.

You told me he did it because you discovered his affair and threatened to leave him. If he was so possessive of you, why did he wander? I don’t understand him. I don’t understand how he used the threat of not visiting your dying mother in hospital against you. I still love him he was my dad. He was just a right bastard sometimes.

I know some women say men are like little boys that never grow up. I guess dad was one of them. I remember the few times he would take me and Paul fishing. I was the one running around untangling lines and tying hooks on. It was like I was the adult at twelve years old. Being the middle son, I was always the peacemaker. Keeping everyone out of trouble. I seemed to go from twelve to thirty in one go. I never had my mad teenage years.

Gary told me once all he learned from dad was how not to be a father to his own children. You were always our mother and father. Recently you told me he was a lovely boy when you met him. You said he changed after he came back from national service. The army made a man of him. Swearing, drinking and smoking. You loved him so you married.

I remember living in a caravan when I was three. You took me potato picking. Even then you did what you had to keep us fed. You are the one that has always been there for us. I don’t think anyone can truly appreciate their parents until they are parent themselves.

You keep thanking me for being there for you during covid. Thanking me for doing your shopping and taking you on holidays. I’m just returning what you have done for me. It’s an honor to get the chance to repay what you have done for me.

I love you mum and will always be there for you, like you were for me. There is just one secret I never told you. When we were coming back from shopping, and you heard the phone-in about trans issues. You said that you could understand why a man would want to be a woman. You said you would never want to be a man.

I nearly told you then. I know you always wanted a daughter. You had one. I have struggled with my gender all my life mum. I always wanted to be a girl. When dad caught me trying on your clothes at five, he scared me so much. He was so angry. I knew what I did was the worse thing in the world.

I don’t know if he ever told you. It made me scared of admitting it to anyone. So I did what I do and tried to make peace with myself and make the best of what I was.

It doesn’t go away though mum. Even now it tear's me apart not being who I want to be. I would just love to share it with the person I trust most in the world. Please understand. I’m not going to do anything drastic. I’m still the usual me. I just wanted you to know, to understand.

I don’t know why I’m the way I am. Perhaps I saw you and dad, and knew you were the one I wanted to be like.

Love you mum . Please understand.

I wrote this a few weeks back. I don't know if I will ever have the courage to send it. What if she doesn't understand? Once I let the genie out of the bottle, it won't go back in.