Totally Insane 17–Reparations.
by Angharad

My various scratches and grazes hurt when I went to bed, especially when I moved my leg down the bed and pulled the plaster off. It bled and I had to put on another one–it also made me squeak a bit too. I’m not very brave when it comes to pain.

Next morning, the cuts and scratches hurt even more in the shower–although none started bleeding again. I managed to get out of the bathroom before my Klingon brother crawled out from under his stone. I was drying my hair when he sneaked in behind me and squirted something up my skirt. It was cold and I jumped and yelled, I also bashed my head on the bedroom door.

“Brian, leave Kylie alone,” shouted my mother from downstairs. I don’t know if she heard my shout or his maniacal laughter–I didn’t know pigs could laugh. I found out later he’d squirted cold water up my dress, so it wouldn’t mark or damage the material or me.

I had a chance to retaliate at breakfast, but didn’t take it, he’d have had to change his shirt and Mummy would have made me wash it. I don’t think Brian actually knows which is the washing machine and which is the cooker. The fridge he can recognise, because he makes a beeline for it when he comes home from school. So I suppose that puts him on a par with the cat, who also worked out various kitchen gadgets–mainly the fridge and the tin opener. Yeah, that sounds about right, if pushed I ‘spect Brian could just about recognise a tin opener.

Auntie Emma had agreed to supervise me for another week, which was good for me. I got to help with baby Sarah, which was infinitely preferable to school. I think long term, I was likely to end up going to the same school as Gemma and Karen, which is funny, seeing as my going there set all this off in the first place.

I knocked on Auntie Em’s door and waited. I was pressed up against it because it was raining and I was trying not to get too wet. She opened the door and I fell backwards into the house. Thankfully, neither of us were hurt although we both got a bit of a shock from it.

She did the grown up bit and told me off; I apologised and looked suitably penitent for a few minutes, before she shrugged and asked me to get Sarah out of her cot. I was so enthusiastic, that she called after me, “Walk please, Kylie, we don’t want any more accidents.” So I had to moderate my keenness and walk carefully to the nursery. I lifted and carried the baby back down to Auntie Emma, very carefully. She gurgled and cooed to me all the way and I made similar noises back. I really loved helping with her, maybe I would consider working with babies as a job.

If I said that to Mummy, she’d be quite happy for me to become a midwife or a nursery nurse, she might not want me to teach–she keeps saying she wouldn’t advise anyone to go into teaching. Daddy, would probably suggest I should become a paedophile or whatever it is they call doctors who look after babies, or is that an obstructitian–something like that, anyway. Brian wants to join the army, so I suppose he’ll have to learn to recognise a gun as well as a tin opener and fridge. Neither of our ‘rents are too happy about it, but as a psycho, he’ll probably be well suited to shooting people.

Auntie Em watched as I bathed Sarah and dressed her, then I fed her and put her down for her morning sleep. “You are getting so good at this, Kylie,” she said after I’d finished, “I’ll know where to come if I need a sitter.”

“She’s such a good baby,” I sounded as if I was a world expert on them rather than a total novice, “and I like helping to look after her.”

I went and did some schoolwork which I’d had for about a week, this was quite interesting for a change, it was about insects. I had to put a list of them in categories or classes, and say why I thought they went in that group. I used Auntie Em’s computer and it was quite easy, after I looked up each one. Cheating? Not really, I confirmed what I knew anyway about them. Daddy, is into wildlife quite a bit, when he has time, so I just remembered what he’d told me.

After that I did some arithmetic, cor aren’t logarithms boring? I spent a whole hour doing those, so my brain was numb when Auntie Em brought in a sandwich and a cuppa. After we’d eaten, I helped her with Sarah again, then we washed up and started her dinner.

At three, I had to go because I’d promised to vacuum the lounge and dining room and start the dinner. It felt quite strange being alone in the house and I locked the doors, which made me feel a little safer. I’d never felt worried there before, although I suppose I wasn’t ever very much on my own before.

I wondered if being a girl made me more scared than if I was a boy, then laughed about it. I was still the same, only the clothes had changed–but had they? I did things differently than a few weeks ago and I don’t know why. As a boy, I’d help my parents a bit, but no more than I had to and I’d also expect a bit of pocket money for doing it. As a girl, I hadn’t had any extra money but Mummy and Daddy had spent quite a lot on various bits and pieces for me.

I had shown Auntie Em, my bag of old cosmetics from the shop. She helped me go through them and keep what suited my colouring and complexion and we put the other stuff in a second bag. I wondered if they’d be any use to the other girls at Gemma’s party. I’d try and ask her, if they were, they could help themselves.

I had to get her a present as well as a card, maybe I could speak to Mummy or Auntie Em about it. I know I was supposed to be a girl now, and I know I am, but it’s not been for very long has it? Maybe girls who’ve been doing it a bit longer like different things to those like me who only started recently. If it was my birthday, I’d really like some new screwdrivers and a bench-top vice, I wonder if Gemma is in to locks and things?

I was busy puzzling over these things while I chopped the carrots and listened to Led Zep, after all Jimmy Page was part of the reason I had long hair. Or was he?

Oh no, some more soul searching–how big was my soul, and did we search it, or did it mean we were searching for it? Did we actually have one? I’d have a look on the internet later, probably on Wiki. What was a soul? Oh boy, where do these questions come from?

I played some air guitar for ‘Whole lot of love’ then got back to my carrots. I still hadn’t decided if I was heading for girldom when I started growing my hair or whether it sort of happened after. A bit like chicken and egg stuff.

I mean it’s obvious that an egg needs a chicken to lay it–so that’s the answer. I chopped another carrot, so where did the chicken come from? An egg–so that must have come first. Oh poo! This stuff is more difficult than I thought. Still, I knew that Jimmy Page came before me, ‘cos he’s a lot older. He’s actually older than my Dad–so he must be like, ancient. I wonder if Robert Plant is as old? Another topic for Wiki, after dinner.

I put the vegetables in saucepans and placed them on the cooker. I didn’t need to cook them, Mummy would do that when she came home. I think we were having chicken thighs, so they wouldn’t take too long to cook–hark at me, what do I know? Two weeks ago, a saucepan was something I’d only ever hit with a wooden spoon when pretending to drum like John Bonham. According to Daddy, he, Bonham, died in nineteen eighty, after which the band split up.

I looked at the chicken thighs in the fridge. Surely they wouldn’t take that long to cook, which was why Mummy didn’t ask me to switch the oven on–at least that’s what I assumed.

I was clearing up any mess in the kitchen and putting the vegetable scraps in the compost bag, when I heard a noise behind me. I spun round and Brian was walking in from the front door. My heart was thumping, I’d been so busy listening to the music and thinking my own thoughts, I hadn’t heard him come in.

“Why’s the door locked?” he demanded aggressively.

“I s’pose I forgot to undo it.” It wasn’t the real reason, but I wasn’t going to tell him that I felt nervous on my own.

“Bloody girls! Just for that you can take the compost down the garden.”

“Hey, that’s your job.”

“Well, how about you just got promoted to a pretend boy and you do it.”

“No, I’ve just done the vegetables.”

“So, I’ve just been to school all day, unlike you, I s’pose you were playing with Baby Sarah or better still, playing with her hot mother.” His eyes lit up with a strange sort of energy which I would eventually learn was called lust. “Nah, you’d rather play with Philip bloody Gonnersall–yuck! So take out the compost–right?” The last word was uttered in a semi-threatening manner.

“I’ll tell Mummy on you.”

“I’ll tell Mummy on you,” he repeated in a silly voice, “Geez, Kyle, you really are a bloody big sissy aren’t you?”

“No I’mnot, I’m a girl.”

“Yeah, yeah, a girl with bollocks–a sissy.”

“No I’m not, I’m not a sissy,” I felt my eyes become wet and I started to cry.

“Oh geez, what are you cryin’ for?”

“You called me a sissy, and I’m not, I’m a girl.”

“Okay, okay, you’re a bloody girl, like so what, take the compost down the garden, there’s a good GIRL, before I smack you one.”

“You’re a big pig!” I exclaimed at him, the tears still running down my cheeks.

“Yeah, well you’ve either got it or you ain’t. I got it, you ain’t.” He pointed at the compost and seething with resentment, I picked it up and took it down the garden to the bin. However, instead of putting it tidily in the bin, I just tipped it on the ground alongside it. When Daddy saw it, he’d be asking how it got there and of course I wouldn’t know anything about it, would I? Revenge is something you sometimes have to wait for.

“Hey, girly, get me a Doc Peppers,” he called down the stairs.

“Get it yourself, I’m not your maid,” I called back.

He came storming down the stairs, “I told you to do something.”

“So?”

“So do it.”

“No, I’m not your maid.”

“Well you don’t look like the butler, do you.” He poked me in the chest, and I squeaked. He hadn’t hurt me, just surprised me, “Geez, are those real?” he referred to my ‘boobs’. Obviously he couldn’t tell the difference between foam and fat, so maybe he wasn’t the great lover he pretended to be.

I held my hands across in front of me. “Come on, gi’s a look.”

“No, leave me alone you.”

“Come on, girly, I’ll bet bloody Gonnersall gets to see them all the time.”

“Leave me alone you big ape.”

He pushed me back against the wall and I wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do next, when Mummy’s car pulled up in the drive. He looked at me and at the back door, then he fled upstairs. I was shocked and for a moment didn’t do anything except stand flat against the wall aware of the small tear in my dress..

Brian and I had fought, sort of–usually they were massacres in his favour–but I would fight back as best I could. He’d always win, and I’d end up howling but I had never felt shocked before. I felt violated and dirty. There was something about this encounter which was different to anything that had happened between us before. I suppose, something sexual had happened to him at any rate and he just ignored my feelings to satisfy his own curiosity or gratification.

I was still standing against the wall with silent tears pouring down my face when Mummy walked in. She had armfuls of stuff but I could neither speak nor move.

“Kylie, give me hand will you?” She staggered to the kitchen table. “Kylie, don’t just stand there. Kylie? What’s the matter?” She dumped the stuff unceremoniously and rushed over to me. “What’s the matter? What’s happened to you?”

I still couldn’t speak but I flung my arms around her and sobbed against her breasts. “What on earth has happened, sweetheart?” She hugged me for several minutes cooing to me. “Is Brian home?” she asked me. When I shuddered at this, she asked, “Has Brian upset you?” I still couldn’t speak and I clung on to her, trembling.

“Okay, sweetheart, I’ll get to the bottom of this.” She sat me on a chair and went to the hall and yelled, “BRIAN, GET YOURSELF DOWN HERE, NOW.”
She came back to me, “What did he do?”

“He tried to see my boobs,” I said haltingly interspersed with sobs and more tears.

“He did what?” The look on her face went from one of sympathy to anger in a nanosecond. “I’ll murder him, BRI…oh, there you are. Just what did you try to do to your sister?”

I couldn’t look at either of them, and held my face in my hands and wept some more.

“I haven’t touched her, she’s made it up.”

“Did you, Kylie?” she asked me, and I shook my head and wailed. “What did you do?”

“Nothin’,I didn’t do nothin’.”

“Anything, didn’t do anything–have years of education not penetrated that tiny little brain of yours one iota? She says you tried to touch her breasts, did you?”

“No, honest, I didn’t.” How could he lie like that?

“I don’t believe you, Brian. If you ever as much as lay one finger on your sister again, I’ll send for the police, assuming your father doesn’t actually kill you first. Now, get out of here, go to your room and stay there.”

“She’s lying, I didn’t touch her. Bloody sissy,” I heard him shout as he went back upstairs.

“No Brian, she isn’t a sissy, she’s your sister–remember, the one who sewed your pants and made your dumplings, and this is her reward–you stupid boy, keep out of my sight until your father comes home; he can deal with you.”

Mummy came back over to me, and smiled at me, “Come on, kiddywinks, let’s have a cuppa, eh?” I still felt shocked but I presume she made some tea for us, because a little later, she poured us each a cup and I sat on her lap and drank it, while she held me with her left arm.

“Feel better now?” she asked and I nodded. “Can you tell me what he did?”

“He tried to touch my boobs,” I sniffed and felt my eyes moisten again.

“But you haven’t..okay, sweetheart, he doesn’t know that does he?”

“No, I s’pose not,” I sniffed.

“And that’s not the point is it? He attempted to violate you and he has to learn that isn’t acceptable at any time or level. Your father is going to be really mad with him, I think he’s gone much too far this time. Though what we do about it, I’m not sure. Anyway, let’s get the dinner on and I’ll have a think about it. Stupid boy.” She shook her head and I helped her with the dinner.

Just before six, my father came home, he spoke to my mother and kissed her on the cheek, and he hugged me and pecked me on the cheek. “Stuart, I need to talk with you, can you watch the dinner a minute, Kylie?” They went off to his office.

I felt myself blush, I knew what they were talking about and I felt sad. In some ways I didn’t want Brian to be punished, although I knew it was coming and he deserved it. He had saved me that day when I was out with Philip and I hadn’t forgotten. He’d also been relatively nice to me the past few days. I was simply shocked when he tried to pull my top open, something he wouldn’t have done to me as his brother. I couldn’t understand him at all. I mean when I kiss Philip, I get a nice feeling in my tummy, and I s’pose he does too, but he doesn’t try to rip my clothes off.

I was in the kitchen watching the potatoes boiling, when Daddy came in, Mummy was behind him. “Tell me what happened?” I related how he’d been calling me names and tried to bully me into taking the compost out, then he spoke about Auntie Em and suddenly, he poked me in the chest and tried to see inside my bra.

“So he thinks you have breasts and he wanted to see them?” said my father, and I nodded. “Irrespective of whether or not you have them, what he did was very wrong. I’m sorry he did it to you, Kylie. In a very short time, he will also be very sorry he did it. How do you think I should punish him?”

“I don’t know,” I said looking at the floor, “don’t hurt him will you?”

“I won’t physically touch him, although I feel like giving him a sound thrashing.”

“Oh don’t do that, Daddy.” I threw my arms around him.

“Don’t do what, sweetheart?”

“Don’t hit him.”

“I’m not going to, much as I’m tempted. But I need some way to make him understand he can’t do this to you or other girls.”

“Make him wear his own bra,” I said, and sniggered. My father laughed.

“It would serve him right, and maybe he wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get his hands inside one, if it was his own,” agreed my mother.

“It certainly has it’s appeal,” Daddy chuckled,” but I’m sure it would fall foul of some law or other. I shall threaten him with it and hit his pocket money–again. Quite what I’m going to do with that boy, I don’t know. Okay, let’s get it over.”

“Watch the dinner,” said Mummy as she followed Daddy upstairs.

I had turned off the cooker as everything was cooked, well except the oven and I left that to Mummy to check. I was pretty sure the chicken was done, although I remembered something about making sure it was thoroughly cooked or it can poison you. So I left it sizzling in the oven.

The condemned man arrived with the firing squad. “Apologise to your sister,” said the larger of the two guards.

“I’m really sorry, Kylie. I don’t know what came over me. I’ll never disrespect you again. I promise.”

“Or what will happen?” asked the large guard.

“I’ll have to wear girls’ underwear for a month.”

“A month!” I burst out laughing.

Mummy waved one of her bras in front of him, “Sure you don’t want to try one now?”

He blushed and looked at the kitchen floor, “No.”

“You so much as breathe on your sister again, and you’ll be wearing the frilliest bras and panties, I can find–and you’ll be wearing them to school and down the gym.”

I think I saw a tear run down his cheek. “I said, I’m sorry.”

“Words are cheap Brian, I simply want you to understand the consequences of your actions. I want you grow up as a decent, responsible man, respecting women and other men, not giving vent to stupid urges to gratify yourself at the expense of someone else, especially your sister. I am disappointed in you, especially after you got involved in a fight to protect her. I really hoped you were starting to grow up.” As my mother turned the screw, I saw a tear drip from his face and land on the kitchen floor.

I felt an awful conflict of feelings, part of me wanted to hurt him for what he’d done and part of me wanted to run and hug him, because I couldn’t bear to see him cry. Something inside me knew I couldn’t interfere, so I turned away and began to lay the cutlery on the table.

Dinner was a very muted affair. We all sat and ate in silence for most of it. “What has happened here today, we speak about to no one, is that understood?” My father said, looking at me.

“Yes, Daddy, I won’t tell anyone.”

After we cleared up, Mummy and I, that is, we were going to watch a film together when Philip called. I went out for a walk with him to the park. We held hands, but to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it. He wanted to kiss me, and I moved away.

“Are you okay?”

“No, not really; Brian and me, we had a fight earlier.”

“What he hit you?”

“No he pushed me against a wall, and it hurt my scratches and things. So I’m, like, sore all over.” I was telling fibs but I had promised Daddy to keep quiet.

“I began to think you didn’t like me anymore.”

“No, I like you lots, Philip, I’m just not in the best of moods.” I kissed him on the cheek.

He put his arm around me, “Does that hurt?”

“No, that’s alright, I suppose.”

“Does that hurt?” he asked stroking my back.

“A little,” I lied, it was doing anything but hurting me, but just the thought of it was also revolting me.

“Wanna go back home?”

“Yes please,” I replied and he stood up and held my hand all the way home.

“Is that the hedge?” he asked looking at Auntie Em’s pyrocanthus.

“Yes, why?”

“Geez, look at the thorns on it,” he jabbed his finger against one and quickly withdrew it, shoving it in his mouth and sucking it. “Wow, those are sharp, and you fell into it?”

“Yes, how do you think I got the scratches on my face and body.”

“It could have like, stuck in your eye and you could have like, lost an eyeball.”
I shuddered at the thought of it. It was completely over the top detail. “I like, heard about this kid, who like, bent down to pick something up in the garden, and poked his eye out on a stick, ewwch.”

I felt very sick and it was as much as I could do to keep my dinner down. Why do boys like to explore such horrid things?

“It ran down his face…”

I ran too, for the cloakroom as I tried not to share my dinner with him before I got there.

~~~~~

Thanks to Gabi for head-hitting and other violent suggestions.