Totally Insane 15–Deflections.
by Angharad

The rest of the day went very well. I helped Auntie Emma, with a bit of housework and she showed me how to do my hair a couple of different ways. I had never realised just how many different ways there were of doing hair. Mind you, Brian is like David Beckham, he’s always changing his hairstyle, currently it looks like an explosion in a glue factory. He gets his gel through Daddy’s shop, which is just as well, he uses a pot a week. Mummy makes him sleep with a cloth on his pillow, ‘cos it makes his pillows all gooey.

I did some homework as well, it was alright I suppose. I don’t particularly like maths, I can do arithmetic, but geometry seems to confuse me–maybe I need another angle on it? Hee hee, actually, I’m quite good at it, Pythagor-wotsit, and his square hippopotamus. Those ancient Greeks were a weird bunch–I mean, their names to start with–Euripedes–(I remember that one from the knock knock joke, you rip-a-dees pants an’you buy me a new pair). Euclid–what sort of name is that? Just imagine walking into a room and saying, “You Clid?” and him shaking his head. Alexander–now that’s a great name–hee hee. Philip, that’s a good name too, I rather like Philip–erm, I guess you already know that. What about, Anaximander? Sounds like some sort of lizard.

“Kylie, have you finished your homework?”

“Yes Auntie Em-ma,” I blushed. She’d only just told me her name and I’m shortening it.

“How about some tea and piece of cake?”

“Yummy,” was all I said. It was home made cake, a fruit cake–like me. She told me the next time she made one, she’d show me how. This was like, so much fun, beats school, any day.

Soon it was time for me to go home, and I thanked her for looking after me. We had a little hug and she kissed me on the cheek. “You’re a lovely kid, Kylie, don’t change will you?”

I felt perplexed by this, “But I want to change, I want to be a girl, permanently.”

“I didn’t mean that, Kylie. I meant, don’t stop being an honest and decent kid. In my book, you’re already a girl. Enjoy your badminton game.” She smiled at me and I blushed. I’d told her about Philip, maybe I talk too much, they say girls do.

I went back to the empty house and let myself in. It was four o’clock and I began to do some vegetables for dinner. By the time Mummy came home at five–she gave me a hug and a kiss–we never used to do that, I had the potatoes ready to boil and the carrots and cabbage all ready, too. We had a chicken, which she popped in the oven. She showed me how to wash it and sprinkle some special seasoning on it, and she also shoved an onion–a peeled one, up inside it. “Next time, you can do this,” she smiled at me. She had thanked me for doing the veg, calling me, ‘her little angel’. It made me feel appreciated.

“I asked Daddy if I could play badminton tonight. He said, I could.”

“What time?”

“I didn’t ask him.”

“Don’t you think it might be a good idea?”

“Erm, yes.” I dashed off to the phone and called Philip. Two minutes later, I dashed back. “He’s collecting me at half six.”

“You might have to make do with a sandwich, Kylie, this chicken will only just be done by then. I wish you’d said earlier, we could have had something else.”

“A sandwich is fine, Mummy, I don’t want too much before I play or I’ll be very heavy.”

“Okay, sweetheart, what would you like?”

I ended up with an egg sandwich. Mummy showed me how to hard boil an egg and then drop it in cold water or it burns your fingers. Once it’s cool, you gently bash it and pick off the shell–clever eh! Then you mash it all up with some mayonnaise and a little salt and pepper and spread it on your bread. Scrumptious. I had some cress with mine, even more scrummy.

I had changed into my badminton kit, Gemma’s old tennis skirt and the frilly panties. As I put them on, I felt rather guilty about the chicken in the oven, they might be related. I checked my hair and my lippie and went to wait for Philip.

We walked hand in hand to his mother’s car and she smiled, I think she smiled, maybe it was wind, like Baby Sarah. “Hello Kyle–ee,” she said as I got into the car.

“Good evening, Mrs Gonnersall,” I said politely back.

“How’s being a girl, been today?” she asked. I wasn’t sure if she was mocking me or interested.

I played it straight, “It was lovely, Mrs G, I helped bathe and change Baby Sarah with Mrs Johnson, and she showed me how to do my hair a different way.”

“Very nice, I’m sure. What’s this Philip told me about a fight involving your Brian?”

I blushed and felt very hot. “On Sunday, some bigger boys got funny with me and Philip. They called me names and threatened to beat us up. One of them had a knife. Brian, stopped it.”

“Philip told me he thrashed the three of them, is that right?”

“Erm, sort of.”

“Stupid boys, no wonder you’re jumping ship.”

I had to think about that last remark, but it seemed one way of putting what I was doing. “Two of them’s dads are in the police force.”

“Oops,” said Mrs Gonnersall, “that could be trouble.”

“Daddy had to take me to the cop-shop, this morning. He said he’s gonna sue them for assault.”

“The police?” gasped Philip.

“No, you sausage, the boys.”

“Oh, yeah, why not?”

“Philip, sweetheart, I don’t think it’s quite that easy,” said his mum, “ you have to have witnesses and so on, otherwise it’s your word against theirs.”

“I’ll be a witness,” he volunteered.

“I’m not sure you’d want to be. Courts are not nice places, they have people called barristers–although I can think of a similar sounding word which is far more appropriate–who’ll skin you alive. They’re very clever people who can twist everything you say to mean the exact opposite.”

I suddenly felt very afraid of the court, unless it was a badminton one. Talking of which, we were dropped off outside and Mummy was coming at nine to collect us. We walked into the leisure centre holding hands and chattering.

“Are we playing in a match tonight?” I asked.

“Yeah, just a league one”, he walked up to the notice board and swore.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“We’re playing Grunter and his girlfriend, that’s what.”

“You’re joking?”

“No, I’m not. Hang on, this is under thirteens, he must have a younger brother.”

“I think he has, and he’s over there.” I pointed across the centre, a smaller version of the pig who’d attacked me, had just entered with a girl in a tracksuit. “Erm, is this a good idea? I mean like if he knows, then we’re gonna get a load of like, grief,” I asked Philip.

“If he doesn’t know, we’ll be alright. Maybe I should call you something else, your name isn’t up on the card. How about Kate?”

“If you leave the ‘e’ off my surname, it would be different, wouldn’t it, and you could say it was a spelling mistake.”

“Do you spell Moss, with an ‘e’ then?”

“Yes, course I do.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. I’ll put you in as Miss K. Moss.”

“Isn’t Kate Moss a supermodel?” I asked, knowing full well she was.

“I dunno, I’ll bet you’re prettier anyway.” He said and squeezed my hand and I blushed again. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out something which he shoved in mine. “I got these for you.”

I looked at the strip of foil, “What are these?”

“Hormones, you said you wanted some.”

“Where did you get them?” I said, hiding them in my hand although I was blushing enough to catch fire.

“My mum, she won’t miss them, she forgets to take them half the time.”

“You’ll get into trouble if she finds out.”

“Nah, she’ll think she lost them, she’s always doing it.”

“I dunno, I mean that’s like, stealing.”

“Do you want boobs or not?”

“Course I do.”

“Stick them in your bag then.” I did, feeling as if everyone was watching me. I really did want to take them, but I was afraid. My parents would kill me if they found out. Daddy would go absolutely ballistic, he’s always on about old ladies sharing prescription drugs, and how dangerous it is.”

“Philip, you and your partner are on,” said a man who pointed to the far court.

“Ready?” Philip said smiling at me.

“I s’pose.”

“Remember, this time it’s personal,” he said in a funny voice and I nearly wet myself I felt so tense.

The other grunter, didn’t recognise me. We had a knock around for five minutes and then swapped ends for the start of the game. I played like someone with no arms, I was absolutely useless.

“What’s the matter Ky-ate? You’re playing like a spastic,” Philip glared at me.

“I dunno, just not with it tonight.”

“C’mon, focus, just hit the bloody thing back over the net, I’ll do the rest.”

“Okay, okay.” I felt worse now, I was losing us the match.

“Just relax, okay, take some deep breaths.” I did as I was told. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly and deeply. I felt myself calm down a bit. “Right, now remember how you played the other night?” I nodded back, my eyes still closed, “See yourself playing like that, knocking everything back, drop shots an’ all.” I nodded again. “Okay, keep that in mind and just play like that again.”

“I wish,” I replied.

“Yeah, just do it. This isn’t Kyle, it’s Kylie–remember she can play better than him.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Come on,” called Grunter, “what’s taking so friggin’ long?”

“We’re ready,” Phillip called back, adding just for my ears, ‘pig face’. I giggled and felt some of the tension leave me.

In the second game, they relaxed a little too much and as my game improved, we won. It was now the decider. Philip was easily as good as Grunter, and I suspect, on my game, I was as good as his partner, a reasonably pleasant girl called Maisie, a dark eyed blonde, with roots as dark as her eyes. At least my hair colour was natural.

They served and we beat them, I saved her drop shot, flipping it back just over the net, Grunter had to dash in and scoop it higher over the net and Philip pounced with a smash that would have killed anyone stood in front of it. I gasped at the speed of it, the other two just didn’t see it at all.

They tried harder, but we concentrated on Maisie, who began to get a little pressured and made mistakes. Grunter started making unhelpful comments to her and she snapped back at him. At this point we knew we could win it, Philip winked at me and I kept popping little shots over the net until he was forced to come in for them too, then I lobbed to the far court. He had to dash back and his resultant return, Philip smashed again, it landed just inside the back line.

We won by five points, they fell completely apart after the last smash, and we shook hands and left as quickly as possible afterwards. I felt uncomfortable being in the same room as one of my attacker’s brothers. I think Maisie may have felt similar, she stormed off and left him behind.

We met in the ladies. I had just been to the loo and was about to wash my hands. “Hi, well done, you played well.”

“Yeah, when Philip reminded me I was allowed to hit it back.”

“Yeah,” she laughed and went into a cubicle.

I washed my hands quickly and left. Philip was waiting outside for me, “Your mum’s here, so gi’s a quick kiss.” How could I resist? We had a quick tongue wrestle and ran out to Mummy’s car.

“Hello, Sweetheart, Philip–good game.”

“Yeah, drive off quick, Mummy.”

“Okay, my darling.” She turned the ignition and we left straight away. A little way down the road, she stopped and said, “What was all that about, you haven’t robbed a bank have you?”

“No, Mummy, but you’ll never guess who we just played.”

“The Olympic champions?”

“No, Grunter’s baby brother.”

“Who is Grunter?”

“One of the boys Brian hit.”

“Oh, did they recognise you?”

“No, we got away with that.”

“I hope so, we’ll doubtless hear if you didn’t.”

“Are you okay, Philip?” she asked.

“Me, yeah, I’m like, great, thanks Mrs Mosse.”

“Fancy some chippies on the way home?” asked Mummy.

“Oh what? Yesssssssss.” I said, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

“What about you, Philip?”

“Yes please, Mrs Mosse.”

“Okay, next stop Alf’s chip shop.”

We sat in the car, munching chips. The polystyrene trays looked like a massacre had taken place as we both ladled tomato sauce over the fried potato pieces. After we’d finished, the rubbish was taken back inside for the shop to dispose of, and we drove home with the windows open to get rid of the smell.

I gave Philip a peck on the cheek as we dropped him off, and Mummy beeped as we drove away, I waved frantically to him and he did the same back. In some ways he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, if girls of eleven have boyfriends.

When we got back there was a big discussion about how I’d made myself vulnerable. I protested that I didn’t know who we were playing, neither did Philip until we got there. Eventually, it died down and Brian, who amazingly was in that night, told me that Gemma had phoned.

I excused myself and called her back, taking the cordless phone up to my bedroom. “Hi Gem, it’s Kylie.”

“Oh hi, Kylie, how ya’doin’?”

“I’m like, okay, just got back from badminton.”

“Did you wear my old things again?”

“Yep, including the chicken bum knickers.” She laughed back to me and it was a couple of minutes before we could talk properly.

“It’s my birthday next Friday, and Mum says I can have some friends around for a party and a sleep-over, wanna come?”

“Oh wow! Erm, I’d love to but is it a good idea?”

“Course, none of them know you either way, so why not?”

“I’ll have to ask my mum, but yes, I’d love to. Can I call you back tomorrow.”

“Yeah, course. I hope you can come.”

“You might have to help me a bit, I mean what do you wear?”

“Anything, just bring a nightie and a toothbrush.”

“What will we sleep on?”

“We have some camping thingies, you blow them up. Oh, bring a sleeping bag if you have one?”

“I have, somewhere, I think. Can we get together before and you can tell me if my stuff is okay?”

“If you like, I’ll pop over tomorrow night, then you can save a phone call.”

“Is that okay? I mean, it’s like, putting you to a load of trouble.”

“No it isn’t, besides I get to see what my girl friend has in her wardrobe. You’ve seen mine.”

“Yeah, an’ mine is a bit smaller, like a lot smaller.”

“That’s okay, I’ve like, been buying a bit longer than you.”

“Yeah, I suppose you have. Does your mum know about me, I mean like, the before I became Kylie?”

“No way, if she did, she’d have done your operation for you the next morning.” We both laughed nervously at that. “She’s always thought you were a girl, and of course when Brian was friends with Karen, and Mum referred to you as his little sister, he encouraged it. So she assumed you were a girl, let’s face it, you never really were much of a boy, were you? Karen and I always talked about you as a girl and called you Kylie. We almost sorta forgot you weren’t, and now we’ve been proved right, and you’re invited to my party.”

“Yeah, thanks. Erm, what time tomorrow, only we have to go to the clinic again tomorrow afters. I dunno what time we’ll be home.”

“I’ll have to have dinner and do my homework, how about seven thirty?”

“That sounds great, with you here, Mummy will find it difficult to say no.”

“She’d better not, I’ve got you top of the list.”

“What do we like, do?”

“We watch a film, usually a chick flick, do each other’s hair and play a few games and eat and drink of course.”

“Sounds fun, “ I said a little anxiously, it was all uncharted territory for me.

“Who did you play tonight?”

“You wouldn’t believe it, but the younger brother of one of the boys who Brian had the fight with.” I brought her up to date with that situation.

“So these boys were, like gonna do you some serious damage?”

“I dunno, possibly, they had a knife.”

“Oh my God, a knife–how horrible.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know Brian was there, he came running in like Superman and beat the crap out of the three of them. Philip was good, he helped too.”

“What, Philip Gonnersall?”

“Yeah, my badminton partner.”

“Sounds like he’s more than that, if you were like out walking together.”

“Erm, he might be…” I said quietly.

“Oh my God, Kylie, you’ve only been a girl two weeks and you’ve got a boyfriend,” she shrieked down the phone.”

“So, I didn’t plan it, it just, like happened.”

“My God, you and Philip Gonnersall, like wow!”

“He’s nice and I like, like him.”

“It’s kewl, I just didn’t think it would happen so fast. It’s really, like, kewl. Did you win tonight, you and Mr Kewl Gonnersall?”

“Yeah, although I played like a earthworm in the first game.”

“An earthworm–yuck, horrible wriggly things.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t even hit the net, let alone the shuttle.”

“So how did you win, did the horrid boy’s brother go home, or something?”

“No, I got my game together and Philip played a blinder. They thought they had a pushover and relaxed too much, we got the second game and in the third, we concentrated on her game and she fell apart.”

“Who’s she–the cat’s mother?”

“No she seemed quite nice, Maisie something, can’t remember.”

“Not Maisie MacIntosh?”

“Could be, why?”

“Did he call her, ’Apple’, ‘cos everyone does?”

“He was calling her something, coulda been Apple, why do they call her that?”

“Think about it, Apple and Macintosh.”

“No, doesn’t ring any bells.”

“Kylie, I don’t believe you, Apple Mac, the computers–you dum dum.”

“Oops, yeah, now you say it, of course.” I blushed, it wasn’t exactly the hardest association I’d ever heard.

“I hope you liked her, she’s in my class and she’s coming to my party.”

“Oh, perhaps I’d better not then.”

“Why? If we don’t talk about it who’s gonna know?”

“Well you’ll have to call me Kate.”

“Kate? Why for God’s sake?”

“We, used that name tonight, in case Grunter recognised me.”

“Oh, well I’m sure we’ll get round that somehow, so say you’ll come.”

“If Mummy says I can.”

“I’ll be round tomorrow, she’ll say yes.”

I put the phone down and wondered if it was a good idea or not. Gemma, obviously did and was going to try and get me to go. I wondered what Mummy would say, she might just say no, which would solve my worries but part of me would really like to go. I mean, how do I like, grow up to be a woman, if I don’t have some experiences as a girl?

I know sleep-overs are an American thing, but it sounds fun in lots of ways, and I need to make more friends. I need more anyway, but especially as a girl. I also need to get together with Gemma more often, she’s good fun.

I stretched out and my bag fell off the bed, it rattled and I remembered the pills. A sudden hot flush went through me, if anyone ever got to find out about this, I’d be grounded for life. I pulled out the pills, I’d hide them in my jewellery box, it had a secret drawer which would take them. I looked at the strip of foil and it almost felt too hot to hold. I really really wanted boobs, I knew I was still young and maybe Dr Shrinkwotsit would prescribe them for me. I wondered what they tasted like? I was so tempted, my mother called from downstairs and I jumped almost out of my skin. I hurriedly hid the pills in my box and went to see what she wanted.

~~~~~

Diolch yn fawr to Gabi for editing and improvements, any errors, omissions, emissions and permissions - please see Bonzi.