Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 18

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Author's Note:I hate that it's taken me this long to finish this chapter. Unfortunately writing has had to take a pretty low priority as of late. I'm still writing whenever I can, Thanksgiving break finally gave me enough of a breather to catch up some on my writing. Hope you still enjoy.-~Rebecca

Before

He nodded, “It’s Lyndsey…”

Sam nodded and told him, “We figured that… I told Jordan what happened with you two…”

He looked at me and I nodded. I told him, “Look I understand why you did it. I know it sucks, but I understand.”

He looked back down at his unopened drink and said, “She came up and talked for a bit. The normal small talk kind of stuff. How are you? What’s going on? That type of stuff. It was when she told me that she was glad that I was supporting you two. That’s when something clicked.”

Sam gasped, but I was totally confused. I asked, “What clicked?”

He looked up at me and I could see his eyes were filled with tears and they were just starting to spill out. He said, “She knows Jordan, or at least she thinks she does…”

Still confused I asked, “What does she think she knows?”

He choked back a sob and said, “Me Jordan… I think she knows about me…”

Now

Sam gasped, “Oh my God!” as she quickly held her hands over her mouth in surprise.

I blurted out, “Wait… Huh? How could she know? Sam and I haven’t said anything Brett. I promise.”

He nodded and said, “I know you haven’t… It was… We had been talking… She had known I had been pushing people away… First her. Then my friends on the team. She talked about how she wanted to be there for me. Then she said she was glad that I was here supporting you two… She realized that you two were the only ones I’ve been hanging around lately… That was when… I saw it in her eyes man… She knows…”

I glanced worriedly at Sam and then back to Brett, who was in full blown tears by now. I told him, “Okay… So, she might know. Would that be terrible if she knew what was up? She’s cool with me and Sam, I’m positive she’d be okay with you.”

“No… How could she be? It’s different Jordan… Our situation is different. She was supposed to be... Ya know… The one.”, he told me while shaking his head violently.

I was confused for a moment before I realized what he meant, I asked, “You were planning on her being the girl you were going to marry?”

He nodded trying to hold back tears, “Yeah… We had even talked about it… After college. I only suggested we break up to spare her all this… At least until I could make it go away again. I have to make it go away.”

Sam gently said, “Brett. You know it never will truly go away… You know that, don’t you?”

He started rocking slightly as he said, “I made it go away once… Maybe I can do it again.”

I rested my hand on his shoulder and softly told him, “No Brett… You repressed it after what your Dad did to you. It never went away… Even if you could repress it again, would you go back to Lyndsey then?”

He shrugged his shoulders and muttered, ‘Maybe… I’d probably try to… I love her Jordan. I really do… She was my best friend.”

I smiled sadly and told him, “Then you need to talk to her. Tell her the truth. Trust me on that okay. You saw what happened with me and Sam when I kept this from her… Talk to Lynds, okay?”

He closed his eyes and a single tear slipped down his cheek as he said, “How?!? How do I tell her this? It’ll hurt her even worse… Won’t it?”

Sam told him, “She’s already hurting Brett, she’s just not sure why. Even if she has a general idea. She needs to know the truth. It will help her heal, I promise.”

He asked, “And then what? Do you think she’d take me back? How could she?”

Sam responded, “I don’t know if she’ll consider dating someone who’s trans… She’s really cool with me and Jord though… You never know.”

I told him, “You said she was your best friend?”, he nodded so I continued, “If you had the option of her still being your friend or her not being in your life at all, what would you pick?”

He thought for a few moments, then after wiping some tears away with the back of his hand he said softly, “I want her in my life, without a doubt… You’re both right. I need to tell her… But how? When do I do it?”

Sam said, “If she already suspects then you need to do it now or if not now, then as soon as possible.”

He nodded, “Okay. I hate to ask… Would you two mind? Uh…”

Sam smiled, “Of course I’ll be with you if you want. Right Jordan?”

I chuckled, “Do you really have to ask? Brett you’re my friend and you both know how I stand by my friends.”

Brett softly smiled, “Yeah I do… Thank you. Both of you.”

Sam asked him, “So when do you want to do this?”

He thought for a moment and said, “You both seem to think the sooner the better… Can we try to do it today? At least before I chicken out…”

I nodded, “Well I do have the whole afternoon free… Do you want to do it here?”

He nodded, “If you don’t mind. I feel safe here… I’d like to go home and clean up first though…”

Sam nodded, “Yeah me too… So, in about two hours then? I can call her and get her to come over then.”

Brett told her, “That sounds good to me.”

I thought hard for a moment, I knew my parents wouldn’t mind us doing this here but with what was going on I knew they needed to have a bit of a clue what is going on. I asked him, “Brett… Can I tell my parents what’s going on? I understand if you don’t want me to, but I really think an adult other than your parents need to know… Plus it would make sure they wouldn’t interrupt us when this happens… I promise they won’t say anything, and they’ll support you too…”

Sam agreed, “Yeah Brett that’s a good idea, his parents are really cool like that.”

He slowly nodded, “Okay… I’m just scared though…”

I gave him a hug, “I get it man… Trust me… You have every right to be scared… Fuck that, terrified even… I do promise that we’ll be here for you, okay?”

He nodded, and with much more determination that I had seen from him in the last few hours he got up and offered to give Sam a lift home. A few minutes later I waved as they drove off and then went to the living room to talk to my parents.

Our conversation didn’t take too terribly long, even with the surprised gasps from mom and the concerned glances my Dad gave me. They both told me they understood and that they were proud of me and Sam and how we were trying to help our friend. They both promised to give us our space, but also reminded me that they were here if we needed them and to not hesitate to ask for help. Logically I knew that we’d need adults but for the moment I hoped that we could handle this. Right now, I truly believed that for now Brett just needed our support, and we were going to give it to him.

About forty-five minutes later I had showered and made it back to my bedroom to get dressed. I was wanting comfy clothing but going through my clothes I found everything that I had once considered comfort clothes were now gone. It wasn’t due to my Mom removing everything because it was guy stuff either. Nothing that I had owned before, other than my shirts, fit anymore. Even my old baggy jeans weren’t baggy enough to get past my hips and ass with how I’ve been filling out. I sighed dramatically and closed my eyes and dug into my jean drawer and picked out some randomly. I did the same with my shirts. I ended up with a pair of high wasted jeans Mom had found at Old Navy, they were made from this stretchy material and felt really soft.

I quickly shimmied into the jeans, they were tight but not uncomfortable. The soft stretchy material made them fit like a glove though, and they showed off every curve. I sighed as I noticed how well they actually fit, part of me was still uncomfortable but the other part of me was acceptance… I think. For the most part though I didn’t mind how they made me look, that was until I was checking out my ass in the mirror when I noticed I could see the lines from my underwear clearly showing, the jeans were that freaking snug. I didn’t want Mom or even Sam to notice the obvious lines if they even looked at my butt. Then I remembered how Sam normally checks me out and I blushed when I realized that I actually wanted her to check me out.

I quickly ripped the jeans off and started to look for something else to wear when I just sank back down to sit on my bed. I still wanted to fight my changes and to say to hell with all of this, but I remembered how stressful it was for everyone around me when I struggled… I wiped my eyes, at least this time I hadn’t broken down in tears, but they were still uncomfortably moist. I silently got up and swapped out my underwear for the other ones Mom had bought. She had told me that she wouldn’t force me to wear them but wanted me to have them when I was ready. I honestly didn’t think I was truly ready for this though. It had been awhile since I had uttered my mantra but standing here in a bra with a matching thong uncomfortably flossing my ass cheeks, I needed the reminder for myself. I repeatedly mumbled, “It’s still better than the alternative…”, until I at least could partially believe it.

Once I had regained my resolve, I took another glance in my mirror at the girl standing there. I noticed what was left of my manhood, while it never had gotten hard, was noticeably obvious in the front of the soft cotton thong. I frowned as I realized how wrong that looked, so I gently tucked it like I had read about and then marveled once again at my reflection. I felt my skin tingle slightly as a shiver passed through my body. Other than the shaggy brownish blonde mop on her head this girl looked like she could be an underwear model. For a quick moment I thought about finally getting a haircut to match the new me, but quickly tossed that idea aside. I just put on a pair of thongs without someone holding a gun to my head, one major hurdle at time was all I could handle. I quickly got dressed back in my jeans and maroon polo shirt. I had just put on socks and my Chucks when I heard the doorbell ring. I quickly shouted I’d get it and sprinted downstairs to open the door. When I opened the door instead of finding either Brett or Sam like I was expecting, I found Lyndsey standing there nervously.

Surprised I said, “Hey Lynds… You’re early…”

She glanced around and asked, “Should I come back then? I can…”

I shook my head, “No, come on in. It’s just you beat everyone else back is all.”

I quickly lead her into the kitchen and asked, “You want a drink or anything?”

“A diet coke if you have one…”, she said and was quiet for a moment and asked, “Is Brett… I don’t know how to ask this, but Brett. Does he?”

I was grabbing the cans of soda and glasses, so I quickly interrupted her and said, “Lynds I can’t say anything right now… It’s not my issue to tell… What did Sam tell you?”

She shrugged, “Not much… She told me that Brett really needed to talk and that I needed to come over here. When I asked her why I had to come here she just said that it was a safe place and that we both had support here… Jordan I’m worried about him… Can you tell me if he’s okay?”

I started pouring the soda and sighed, “He’s trying to be… Right now, he’s dealing with a shit ton of stuff… Sam and I don’t even know everything he’s dealing with… We want to help him though… That’s why we offered to do this here. He’s a really good guy Lynds, he needs us to be there for him…”

She wiped a tear away, “He’s a great guy… At least before his Dad left and all the crap started happening… He pushed everyone away, even me… He became so damn focused on football and quit spending time with anyone… Then you two came along and the way he’s supporting you two… I just started thinking that he might… Be more into you two than me… I’ve read that some guys like… You know umm… prefer trans girls…”

I was shocked and couldn’t answer for a minute before I blurted out, “That’s not it, I swear… Trust me, he only wants to be with you… That I do know.”

She looked like she didn’t want to believe me, but before I could say anything the doorbell chimed. I looked to make sure that she’d be okay for a second and ran to get the door. Thankfully it was Sam standing there, her hair still damp from her shower. I sighed in relief and gave her a quick kiss and led her into the kitchen with Lyndsey. While they were talking, I sent Brett a quick text and less than a minute later I got the response that he was almost here.

I asked, “Sam why don’t you show her up to my room while I’ll wait here for the big guy okay?”

She nodded and quickly led Lynds up the stairs. I roughly sat down in the chair and took a deep breath. I had been worried about Brett and if he could make it through this, but right now I was worried if I could handle it. Sitting there and watching Lyndsey be so heartbroken actually made my chest hurt. All I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it will be okay. I was trying to figure out when I got so touchy feely, because I knew this was something new that had snuck up on me. I was lost in thought when the sound of Brett’s car pulling up brought me out of it. I went and opened the door as he was about to knock.

I told him, “I’m so glad you’re back… Lynds got her about twenty minutes ago. She tried asking questions, but I didn’t tell her much of anything…”

He looked scared when he asked in a small voice, “So she already knows?”

I shook my head, “No… She thought you were a… Shit I don’t know how to say this, but she though you were a chaser…”

He looked confused and asked, “A chaser?” I guess when he said the words it finally clicked, and he muttered, “She thought I was into Sam and you like that? Shit that’s even worse… All I’ve wanted was her…”

I nodded, “I know! I told her that… That’s all I said though… C’mon and let’s get upstairs to break up the girls and whatever they’re talking about now…”

Before I could get the door closed, I heard Brett gasp and as I turned around, I saw Mom. I inwardly groaned, I thought she was going to give us some space.

He glanced at me and back towards my mother and asked, “Did he tell you?” Mom gently nodded, and he told her, “I’m sorry…”

She quickly stepped up towards him and reassured him, “Sweetie you have nothing to apologize for.” She waited for a moment for him to say something but all he did was look down ashamed. She gently cupped his cheeks with her hands and directed him to look up at her and she gently told him, “You’ve been a good friend to Jordan. You’ve stood up for him and Sam both. You’re a good bo… Person… You don’t have to be sorry for anything okay?”

He tried to nod as a few tears spilled out he sputtered, “I just… I didn’t know what… I’m just so scared of what’s going to happen… When… If this gets out…”

I thought mom was going to start to cry and I was afraid I might to, but I stoically tried to sniff the damn moisture out of my eyes. Mom let go of his face and wrapped him in a hug as she asked, “Jordan told us that you felt safe here.”

He softly told her, “Yes Ma’am… I do…”

She smiled and told him, “I’m glad that you do… It’s still a safe place. You are welcome anytime you need okay?”

After the moment was over Mom went back into the living room with Dad. I looked at Brett and asked, “So you ready for this?”

He snorted while wiping his eyes, “Hell no! Not at all… But let’s do it anyway…”

I giggled, “That’s the spirit, come on and let’s do this…”

He half laughed and snorted as he told me, “You are so weird… You know that, right?”

Walking up the stairs I chuckled and told him, “Hey that’s just part of my charm.” He just followed me chuckling softly.

When I opened the door to my room, I saw Sam and Lynds hugging, I paused and asked, “Is this a good time or should we wait?”

Sam shook her head as she let go of the hug and told us, “No come on in.”

I entered my bedroom and noticed that Brett had paused outside in the hallway trembling. I gently went back and grasped his big hand and pulled him inside. I reassured him, “Dude you’ve got this okay…” Hesitantly he let me lead him into the room.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence with Brett staring at his feet, it was Lynds who spoke first, “Hi… Sam told me you needed to talk to me, so I’m here… I’m here whenever you’re ready…”

He slowly looked up at her and said, “Lynds I’m so sorry… I never meant to hurt you… You were the last person I ever wanted to hurt…”

She softly asked, “Then why did you push me away…”

He sighed, “Because I was trying to not hurt you. At least not as bad as if you knew what was really going on…”

She responded, “But that hurt me too Brett…” She paused for a moment and then sighed, “You already know that though… I was starting to think that you were sticking by Sam and Jordan because you liked them more than me because of… Well, you know?”

He shook his head and told her, “I do like them, but not like that…As friends, I swear… Lyndsey I only tried to keep this from you because I… I love you… I was afraid if you knew the truth… That you’d hate me… I couldn’t handle that…”

Confused she asked, “Why do you think that I’d hate you over the truth? Did you want to break up with me or something? Dammit what is going on Brett?!?

He looked up unable to maintain eye contact with her and softly said, “I’ve been supportive of Sam and Jordan not because I like them like that… I’ve been supporting them because I’m like them…”

Lyndsey looked confused for a moment, then looked at the both of us and then it dawned on her. Surprised she said, “Wait… You’re trans?” He nodded at her while biting his lower lip. She appeared stunned for several moments and asked again, “So you’re transgender like them?”

He told her, “Yeah… Sort of… I mean… Like Sam I feel that I should have always been a girl… But like Jordan I never wanted to be… I don’t want this Lynds. I’ve been trying to make it go away again…” the first sob broke from him as he shook. Between the sobs he was able to get out, “It won’t… Go… Away… I’ve tried…Nothing works… I’m sorry…”

I started towards him, but Sam held me back, I was about to tell her to let me go when Lyndsey finally got up and wrapped her arms around him. He just kept repeating how sorry he was as she led him and sat him down on the bed cradling his head to her chest. She was whispering something in his ear as he cried.

I didn’t know what to do, so the next few minutes were some of the most uncomfortable I’ve ever had. I wanted to be there and support my friends, both of them. It was Sam holding me that got me through it. Sometime after they had sat down Sam gently wrapped her arms around me from behind and just simply held me until they were through. When Brett finally recovered it was Lyndsey who spoke first.

“Brett tell me everything okay… You don’t have to be afraid.”

He nodded and then started pouring out his soul to her, well us. He first started telling her what he had said to me in the hospital. About how he would play in his mom’s things, and then the beating his father gave him when he got caught. How he had been able to hide it way until he thought it was gone forever. How when Sam came out those feelings came back. Then he started telling her things that Sam and I hadn’t even heard about.

He told us how he had gone to his parents for help, not for help to transition but to make it go away again. His father had exploded, but his Mom had asked him if he was sure that was what he wanted. Then his father went off on his Mom, and when it looked like it was going to get physical how Brett stepped in and threw his dad to the floor. How he had threatened his father if he ever raised his hand to his mother again. It was shortly after that his dad left taking his clothes and shortly after had taken everything else. He had taken all the money out of the bank and leaving them both broke with no way to pay the bills. His mother had quit working while pregnant and his father wouldn’t ever let her return to work, she was supposed to be the dutiful housewife. That had been several months ago.

He then told us how his mom was struggling and trying to get a job but had only been able to do data entry type stuff as a stay at home work program. They had been staying afloat, but just barely. He told us how his only chance right now was to get a scholarship, and while he had good grades he hadn’t been worried to bother trying to apply for any academic scholarships. Football was his only chance. Even if he thought he could transition into something semi-passable he couldn’t risk his chance for an athletic scholarship. He told us how supportive his mother had been and how she said she’d be there no matter if he transitioned or not. He then told us the really bad news. It seemed that the divorce summons had been delivered a few weeks ago and they had until the second week of November before they had to appear in court. There was no way that his mother could afford an attorney and then he told us about the threats his father had made…

If his mother was to sign away the house and everything else, they could both walk away, with nothing but the clothes on their back. If they tried to fight, he was going to fight for custody and bring to light how his mother had turned his son into a sissy freak. He was going to out Brett to everyone in his anger, no matter how much it would hurt his son. There was no guarantee though he wouldn’t out Brett even if they did comply with his demands. They were trapped and no longer had any options.

I was so angry I was ready to beat the asshole to death, but it got my mind to working with an idea. I told Brett, “You have to fight him Brett. You can’t let him win.”

He asked, “But how? We can’t get an attorney… Nobody will take on Dad’s lawyer without cash up front, cash we don’t have.”

I sighed then I had an idea, I told him, “I have an idea, but I need to talk to my Mom first… Still you can’t let him win Brett. It sounds like he will out you no matter what just to ruin you. Please trust me okay.”

Lyndsey spoke, “Jordan’s right… Your father is enough of a judgmental asshole that he would out you even if you walked away just out of vindictiveness. It wouldn’t matter to him what happened to you… He’d probably think you deserved it…”

Sam agreed, “Brett they’re right… I don’t know how we could stop him from talking, and he probably will just be thinking that it would be an even bigger win for him.”

Brett looked really frustrated and asked, “But how will we fight him, remember we don’t have a lawyer!”

I told him, “Let me ask some favors okay? I think I know someone who can help.”

Brett looked confused and then Sam smiled big as she remembered, “Brett trust him…”

He looked at me and snorted, “Let me guess you know people?”

I laughed, “Well it’s more like I know people who know people… No promises but I have a good feeling they can help with that… Don’t worry about it.”

He sighed, “Okay… Weirdly I do trust you… So, what about if or when he talks, and everyone knows about me… Even if I’m not trying to transition or anything. Just people knowing, if it got out it could kill my chances for a scholarship.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… Except if he does, we’re here for you dude. We’re not going anywhere, understand?”

Sam nodded, and Lyndsey spoke up, “Bet your sweet bippy, we’ll all be here for you. If it comes to that we can get the whole softball team by you too.”

Brett looked at her intently for a few quick seconds, “You don’t know how glad I am that you are still here… Are we… Friends at least? Do you think you could? Well after knowing about me… Think we could go back to being… more?”

Lyndsey sadly smiled, “Brett I don’t know… I’m sorry but I don’t. I do still care about you… I’ll always want you as my friend… I just don’t know if I could be romantically involved… With a girl… I’ve never even thought about it.”

He looked down and sighed, “Well you don’t have to worry about me transitioning… I’d make a huge ugly woman…”

She smiled, “Actually I don’t think you’d look that bad… You’d be tall but…” Lyndsey started grinning mischievously.

Brett hadn’t noticed her grin, but my curiosity was about to drive me nuts, I asked her, “So what are you thinking?”

She grinned and said, “I have an idea how to get ahead of anything his father might say. First off though we need to see what you’d look like as a girl.”

Brett looked torn and stunned. He asked, “What you mean like right now? Here?”

She laughed, “No not here… I don’t think anyone here has anything that would fit… No, I’m talking about something totally different. You know how magicians always use misdirection in their acts?”

I glanced at Sam and she appeared as confused as I am. Brett asked, “Yeah, so are we supposed to do magic?”

She gently shoved him while giggling, “No, you big dummy, we need something highly public. What better kind of misdirection is there than telling the truth, but in a way that makes it appear to be a joke?”

Stunned, Brett asked, “You want me to go out in public? How do we do that and make it not look anything but obvious?”

She smiled, “Duh… Remember our Halloween dance is in a few weeks?”

Brett looked at her in disbelief and slowly said, “Yeah…”

She giggled, “Well I do kind of need a date… I have the perfect costume in mind…”

 
 
To be continued.