Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 12

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Author's Note:I finally got this one finished, I’mm So sorry it took me this long. As I posted in my last blog I’m getting better after the change in my HRT meds, but I’m not quite there yet. Thank you all for following this, and I truly hope you enjoy.{hugs}-~Rebecca

I woke up the next morning to find myself alone in my bed. I wasn’t surprised, but wistfully I thought how nice it would have been to see Sam’s face when I woke up. Looking around my room I realized that this was the first time since being here that I woke up alone in my room. Part of me hated the thought of being alone, but at the same time with everything that had come out, I was mostly thankful for the quiet time.

I slowly sat up and while there were still a few aches and pains, most of the soreness had faded. Other than the few winces I made sitting up, at least I didn’t make any actual groans this time. I debated hitting the call button, but decided I’d see how hard it was to stand on my own first. I found my strength was returning and other than being a bit wobbly, I was able to stand easily enough and make my short journey to the bathroom.

While I was sitting down doing my business I realized that other than the sponge baths, I hadn’t showered in a couple of days and I smelled. I found a seat was built into the shower, so thankfully I didn’t have to risk falling. The warm water felt amazing as my tired and sore muscles absorbed the heat. It didn’t take me too long to bathe, and once I was finished washing I just sat under the water trying to relax. I had no clue how long I sat there when the bathroom door opened.

“Jordan, you okay in there?”, Mom asked.

“Yeah Mom… I was just finishing up in here.”, I told her. I hoped she didn’t know how long I had been sitting there, so I quickly shut the water off.

“Umm okay… I brought you some clothes. The doctors told me that you’re going to be released today. I thought you’d be happy to get out of that gown they gave you.”

Turning off the water I told her, “Thanks Mom… You have no idea…”

She quickly handed me a towel while trying not to look at me directly, “I think I do sweetie… Do you need any help getting dressed?”

Blushing, because I really didn’t want her to see any more of my body’s changes than she already had, I told her, “Thanks but I’m okay… I’m strong enough and my balance is mostly back… I’m good.”

“Okay honey, I’ll be in the room out here. Just yell if you need anything.”, she told me as she softly closed the door.

I quickly finished drying off and grabbed the bag of clothes she had laid on the counter. The first piece I pulled out made me frown. It was one of the bras she had bought for me. At least it was just a basic non-frilly cotton bra, but it was still a bra… I whined, “Mom why did you bring me this?”

I heard her voice through the door, “Are you talking about the bra? You have to wear something Jordan. They’re getting big enough to start bouncing… You’re really not going to like that.”

Listening to her I decided to see, so I bounced on my toes to check. Unfortunately, she was right, while it didn’t hurt I definitely felt them move on their own. I groaned, “Why didn’t you bring the sports bras then…”

I heard her sigh, “I thought you were okay with wearing a regular one… You did to the group…
Look, if you want I can go back home and grab some different things.”

I shook my head, even if she couldn’t see it. I told her, “No, that’s okay Mom… I’ll wear it…”

I sighed and fastened the bra in front and slid it around before I slid my arms into the straps. Pulling out the other part of my underwear I grimaced as I slid the plain cotton panties on. Honestly, neither the bra or panties felt uncomfortable, after all they were both soft plain cotton. I turned at that moment to look at myself in the full-length mirror hanging on the bathroom door and gasped. I could hardly see anything resembling a boy looking back at me in the mirror. I saw a young teen-age girl in her underwear staring back at me. I could see that it was mostly still my face at least, but the hormones had even softened some of my facial features. The girl was thin, but she no longer looked emaciated like the boy that I remembered.

Taking a deep sigh, I pulled the remainder of the clothes out of the bag, noticing one of the items was one of the new pair of jeans she had bought along with one of my old tee-shirts. I quickly pulled those on and took another glance in the mirror, hoping that those would cover up the girl so that I could see more of the old me again. Unfortunately, the only kind of boy that I saw would at most be considered a tomboy. A tomboy with a shitty haircut. Great…

I felt a slight shudder run through my body at the thought that I already looked more female than male. Even knowing that this all was going to happen, it was still a huge blow to my male psyche. I felt the urge to start crying, but thankfully was able to hold it back this time. It was no longer as strong of an urge as I was slowly starting to accept all of this. Of course, accepting it and being okay with it are two completely different issues. I softly sighed as I remembered this is still better than what I had been facing. Having Sam in my life was helping a lot.

Stepping out of the bathroom I noticed Mom reading a magazine sitting in one of the chairs, I told her, “Mom, thanks for bringing me some clothes. Even with… I still appreciate it…”

She looked up and I caught the momentary surprise on her face as she saw how the clothes made me look, she told me, “You’re welcome sweetie.” Then she took a moment to look me over once again, and as her eyes rested back up to mine she asked, “So how are you doing?”

I felt my shoulders shrug as I said, “I guess I’m doing alright…”

I saw the concern written clearly on her face as she said, “You don’t look alright… I wish I could help you more than I am…” She motioned for me to come closer, so I did.

I softly tell her, “I know… I’m sorry Mom… I’m trying to be… I’m… It’s… It’s just so hard… I mean I’ve known this was going to happen… It’s just…” I stopped talking as I felt my chest start to tighten and I took a deep breath, biting my bottom lip to keep it from quivering.

She gently grabbed me by the arms and pulled me to her lap and told me, “I know you’re trying baby… Come here and sit with me okay.”

I half-heartedly fussed, “Mom… I’m too big to sit on your lap…” I didn’t try to resist too much, as if it would have mattered. Mom was stronger than I was. I’m not going to lie, even though I felt I was too grown to sit in my mom’s lap it felt good to lean into her as she wrapped her arms around me.

She gently teased, “You’ll never be too big to sit in my lap…” She gently held me and softly rocked with me. I immediately felt a lot of the tension quickly start to fade as I gently held on to her. After several minutes she asked, or maybe was more of a statement, “So, you and Sam?”

Swallowing hard I ask with a bit of fear in my voice, “Umm… What about us?”

She softly chuckled, “Don’t worry Jordan, it’s just me asking as your Mom. I take it when I found you both asleep last night holding hands that you’ve worked everything out with her?”

I softly say, “Oh… Yeah… I guess we have… Umm… Mom? It doesn’t bother you that you caught us kissing?”

I felt her shake her head as she responded, “I guess no more than it would bother any mother to see her son kissing a pretty girl… As long as you’re not planning on more than just kissing right now…”

I gently shook my head, “Nope… Just kissing… I don’t think we could do anything even if we wanted to with our… You know… Our situation…”

She asked, “You mean with you still being physically male? Or with her blockers and… Well… your surgery?”

I nodded and said, “All the above… I mean… Right now, when she kisses me… Or even just holding my hand… It makes my skin all tingly… She makes me feel something… I just never thought I’d ever feel anything with anyone ever since the denutation…”

She fussed, “Jordan Taylor! I’ve told you not to call it that!”

That caused me to chuckle, “Well that’s what happened isn’t it? They denutted me you know…”

She groaned, “That’s it, you definitely inherited your fathers horrible sense of humor…” She softly giggled though, then she gently kissed the top of my head and told me, “I’m glad that she makes you feel those things sweetie… That’s important.” She then started rocking with me again.

Giving her a gentle squeeze, I tell her, “Thanks Mom.” I felt her nod her head as she started to hum as she rocked me. I distinctly remember the last time she did this. I was close to the lowest I had gotten, and everyone was surprised how hard I was still hanging on. As much as that closeness I remembered when I was so close to dying, this was so much better. I didn’t even feel tired or anything, but it still only took me a few moments before I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

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I didn’t know how long I slept but I roused slightly when the door to my room opened and a familiar voice said, “Jordan? Mrs. T.? Oh…”

I felt my mom jerk slightly, I guess she had fallen asleep too. She still managed to say, “Hi Sam.”

Sam quietly asked, “If you both need your rest we can come back?”

Mom said, “Don’t be silly. Jordan honey?” She gently shook me to try to awake me.

I started to sit up and said, “I’m awake…” It was then that both Mom and I realized that I had drooled on her blouse… A lot… I apologize, “Mom… I’m sorry…”

She laughed, “It’s okay baby. It’s just a shirt, it’ll wash out fine… It just meant you were tired…”

I quickly stood up wiping my face of any residual drool as I blushed. I then stretched and smiled, “Hey Sam…” She was holding back laughter at my embarrassment, but her eyes quickly grew wide as I stretched. I wasn’t thinking about my changes, but with her expression I realized she could see how developed I was, with how everything was fitting me. I quickly stopped my stretch and started to turn away, so she couldn’t see.

Sam quickly stepped over to me and gently turned me back towards her. She told me, “Jordan its okay… You don’t have to hide from me… I promise none of this matters to me.”

I sigh as I look into her eyes, “I know… It’s just a reflex I guess… I’m sorry…”

She smiled at me in a way that made my skin get all tingly, she then teased, “I know, it’s okay… So, what’s a girl have to do to get a kiss from her boyfriend?”

I immediately felt my heart start to race as I felt myself start to blush. I couldn’t think of anything to say, besides actions are louder than words anyway. Right? So, I took half a step closer to her and not even caring how unmasculine it might have looked, I rocked up on my tip-toes as she bent her head down slightly until our lips met. I’m sure that it looked comical, here I was standing on my tip-toes to kiss my girlfriend with my arms wrapped around her waist, and her arms draped around my shoulders. Honestly neither of us cared, or at least we didn’t until we heard another voice clear their throat. I quickly slid back down off my toes and looked behind Sam where the voice come from.

Seeing the tall guy leaning in the doorway I said, “Hey Brett… How’re you doing?”

“Pretty good.”, he answered, but then his brows slightly knitted together as he asked, “Since you’re the one in the hospital, shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

I laughed, but then glanced at Sam and then back at him, “Yeah I guess… I’m doing… better…” I then gave Sam a gentle squeeze since my arms were still around her waist, and said, “I’m getting better though… I take it you gave Sam a ride here?”

He nodded, “Yeah, she asked me if I could at church this morning. I didn’t mind… After seeing you Friday night…” He paused as he glanced over at my mother who was smiling at Sam and me. He continued, “I umm… Wanted to see how you were doing too… Thought we might could talk…”

I nodded, but before I could ask Mom for privacy she stood up and said, “I think I’m going to stretch my legs… Do any of you want anything to drink from the cafeteria?” She quickly took our requests and then stepped out of the room, but not before asking Brett, “Are you the one that jumped in to help Jordan during that fight?”

He told her, “Yes Mrs. Taylor… Although I think I was probably helping Clint more, I saw the look on Jordan’s face after he got hit… Clint was going to have his hands full with him…”

That actually made Mom laugh, “Maybe so, but glad we didn’t have to find out… Thank you though for helping my son.”

He blushed and told her, “You’re welcome Mrs. Taylor… I wanted you to know I really admire Jordan… He’s the kind of guy I wish I could be.” He looked almost ashamed at that moment, but he recovered quickly and added, “I really look up to him, you know… Well not actually… but… You know what I mean right?”

Mom laughed, and told him, “Yes I know what you mean… Seriously, thank you for looking out for him. For looking out for them both…”

He nodded and softly told her, “It’s what friends do… Or at least what they’re supposed to do.” She nodded as she stepped out of the room and gently eased the door close.

I told him, “Just so you know Brett, my Mom’s really cool… You could have talked in front of her. She wouldn’t care.” I motioned for us to sit down, I sat down on the bed and Sam sat down next to me clutching my hand in hers. Brett took the chair once he moved it closer to the bed.

He told me, “Yeah I know… Since she’s so awesome with Sam and you… It’s just… Hard… To talk about it…”

I laughed, not at him but at his statement, “You do remember who you’re talking to right? I get that… Sam didn’t tell me anything… I wanted you to know that… Just that Friday wasn’t a ‘friends allowed’ group… You don’t have to tell me anything Brett… I promise you though I won’t say anything to anyone unless you give me the okay…” Sam let go of my left hand with hers, and then moved one arm around my back and grabbed my hand now in her right as she gave me a side hug.

Brett nodded, “I know you wouldn’t Jordan… You’re a good… guy… Is that right? You still identify as a guy?” I nodded, and he continued, “You’re actually one of the most standup guys I’ve ever known…”

I shook my head as I tried to keep my voice catching in my throat, “Brett… No, I’m not… I…”

Sam gave my hand a squeeze, “Jordan stop it. You are… You always try to do the right thing Jordan… You always jump in to defend those that can’t or won’t defend themselves… You’re an amazing guy.”

It took me a moment to get my emotions under control, the praise they were both giving me was starting to overwhelm me. I quickly tried to change the subject, “What did you mean about wishing you were the kind of guy like me? You were at the group… Doesn’t that mean you’re trans as well?”

He nodded and swallowed hard, as he softly spoke, “Yeah I am… That doesn’t mean I want to be…”

I utter, “Oh…” In all my reading I’ve read that a lot of trans people wished that they weren’t trans. Most fought hard and long to try to retain that person they thought they were born to be. I’ve also read that most eventually lose that struggle, either by eventually transitioning or far, far worse… I asked, “So did you know since you were little that you were… Different?”

Brett shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know… I don’t think that I knew I felt like I was a girl… I knew that girl things didn’t bother me… Actually, I used to be drawn to my Mom’s stuff… Like her shoes and makeup and stuff… Everything didn’t really hit me until a few months ago…”

Sam spoke up, “Brett I’m sorry…”

He gave Sam a sad smile, “It’s not your fault Sam… It’s okay… This is all on me…” At my confused expression Brett continued, “She wants to blame herself… I had all this crap buried for a long time… When she came out at church at the beginning of the summer… All those feelings came back… It was like they were uncovered… They’ve been so strong… It’s been rough… No matter what though it’s not her fault…”

I thought about what he said, and something stuck out in my head. I asked, “You said you used to be drawn to her stuff… What happened to change that and cause you to bury it?”

Brett looked up towards the ceiling, I could see his eyes starting to tear up, as he said, “My Dad happened… I was like eight or nine and he caught me playing with her make-up and wearing her dress…” He scoffed as he wiped his eyes.

Somberly I asked, “What did he do Brett?”

He half laughed and sobbed, “What else for an asshole like him to do… He tried to beat the gay out of me… I was only a kid… Except I wasn’t gay…”

Seeing him start to cry like he was, this big huge quarterback made me feel like shit, complete and total shit… I realized exactly how lucky I was, and how lucky Sam was for the parents that we had. No matter how close I came to dying, or what they had to do to save me, I was still the lucky one. As he was staring down at his hands clasp in front of him I could see the tears start falling, and it broke my heart. He was a good guy, even if he wasn’t he didn’t deserve that. Without a word I gently got up and stepped up to him and as he looked up at me I leaned in and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. It took him a moment before he hugged me back and as he cried I softly told him, “Brett… It’s okay, let it out man. Just let it out. Just know that it’s not your fault either okay…”

He sobbed, “But it is… If I didn’t feel this way… He wouldn’t have left…”

It then hit me with what the coach had told me, he had been blaming himself for his father bailing. It pissed me off, “Brett, it’s not your fault okay. Your dad is just an asshole. He shouldn’t have ever beaten you for that… He shouldn’t have left… His job was to love you, and he fucked that up Brett. Not you, you got that?”

He shook his head, “But… but… I was the only child… The only son… It’s what I was supposed to be…”

I gave him a gently shake to get him to look at me, when he did I told him, “Look at me Brett… I’m an only child, and the only son… Don’t you think I realize that I’ll never give my parents grandkids… They’re amazing parents, I can only imagine how amazing they would have been as grandparents… I can’t do those things for them Brett… No matter how bad I wish I could… It’s not your fault…”

He argued, “Jordan that’s bullshit and you know it. You had that problem with your testosterone, it’s a medical condition that you couldn’t help. It’s not the same!”

I shook my head at him as I softly told him, “Brett… I’ve read too much about this since my diagnosis… From what I’ve read and how I understand it… You couldn’t help it either… Right?”

He looked directly into my eyes as if he was trying to stare into my soul, I simply stared back at him. He started to sputter, “But I thought I could forget it… I mean if I tried more maybe I could… Maybe if I…”

I said more forcefully, “Brett, you couldn’t help it…” He quit sputtering and stared at me, and I repeated softly, “It’s not your fault…”

There was a look in his eyes the moment that clicked with him, he quickly wrapped his arms around me as started crying again. He hugged me tight, tight enough that it hurt, a lot. Sam saw me grimace in pain, and she looked like she was going to say something to him, but I waived her off. He needed this, and I’ve hurt a lot worse than this. I just returned the hug as he cried and crushed me, as I kept consoling him telling him it would be okay.

This continued for several minutes until there was a knock at the door. Brett quickly let go and jumped into the bathroom as my Mom opened the door and came in. She asked, “Is everything okay in here?” Sam and I nodded, both of us were probably close to crying ourselves. I’m surprised though I held it together as well as I did. With the way Mom was staring at us, I’m sure she knew something was up, but thankfully she didn’t ask.

A few minutes later, after he had rinsed off his face, Brett came out of the bathroom. His eyes were still slightly puffy and red, but he had a smile plastered on his face. It almost reached his eyes, but not quite. He asked, “Sam you were going to ride home with them, right?” She nodded, so he continued, “Well I need to get out of here, Mom was going to be needing some help around the house so… Mrs. Taylor… Like I said, you have an amazing son…”

Mom smiled, but concern was clearly on her face as she told him, “I know I do… Thank you though…”

I stepped up to him and asked, “You okay?”

He shook his head, “No… I think I’m better though…”

I nod and tell him, “I totally get that… I don’t know if I’m ever going to be truly okay with this… I’m striving for better though… I can live with better…” I hold up my hand for a fist bump with him, he started to return it but at the last second, he leaned down and gave me a hug.

He whispered, “Dude, even though you aren’t tall… You’re still the biggest man I know Jordan…” He then nodded to everyone and said, “Mrs. Taylor it was a pleasure, and Sam? See ya later.” He was then out the door.

I was staring at the door and thinking about what all had just happened when Sam came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me. She whispered in my ear, “I heard what he told you… He’s right Jordan, you are.”

I turned to look at mom and I could see that she had probably a million or so questions about what just happened. Thankfully before she could ask, I asked her, “So are we ready to blow this joint or what?”

Sam giggled, and Mom smiled at me and nodded. She said, “Well let’s see what we have to do to get out of here.”

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Several hours later I had been napping on the couch when Sam woke me up. She had ridden home with us from the hospital and by the time we had gotten home I had been exhausted. She went home to change out of her church clothes and grab a few movies while I rested. She had brought three more movies from her Marvel collection trying to get me caught up to speed in the whole Marvel Movie Universe. We had popped some popcorn and gotten drinks and had already put in the DVD and it was waiting at the title screen.

We were trying to get comfortable on the couch and due to me being so much shorter than her it was a bit difficult. Finally, she put some throw pillows against the armrest and told me, “Look just turn sideways and lean against the pillows.” She then sat between my legs and tried to get herself positioned, so her head was resting on my chest, carefully between my boobs.

It took several tries for her to find the right spot and I tried to joke with her, “With you being so much taller maybe I should be the one laying on you.”

She sat up and turned to face me, “I don’t think so Mister. Isn’t it supposed to be the girl that leans against her BOYfriend?”

She then smiled softly at me, and I got exactly what she was trying to do. As long as I was going to hold out that I was still a boy, she was going to try to reinforce to me that I was still the guy in the relationship. I felt my heart jump into my throat, this honestly made me love her even more. It was in that moment that I realized, I was already in love with Sam. She was my best friend, no matter what. She was going to stick by me no matter how much I changed, and I was going to stick by her as long as she would let me.

I swallowed hard and tried to tell her how I felt, I stumbled, “Sam… I just want you to know how much… I mean I think I… No wait… I know that I…”

She smiled and interrupted me, “I know…” She then leaned in and gave me a soft kiss, then she leaned back slightly and whispered, “Me too…”

I asked, “Really?”

She nodded and then gently leaned back in for a kiss, this one was a bit longer than the last one. I felt… I don’t know, but I felt more from it… Right before she drew back I felt her tongue lightly dance across my lips before she broke the kiss. I felt a slight shudder run through my body, she then smirked and asked, “Jordan… Can I ask you something?”

I nodded, “Sure anything…”

She then giggled, “Will you shut up, so we can start the movie?”

Her smile and the light in her eyes as she teased me made my heart flutter, I softly said as I nodded and returned her smile, “K.”

She quickly turned back around and gently rested her head on my chest, she grabbed the remote, and held up a bag and asked, “Popcorn?”

I nodded as I gently brushed her hair away from her face with one hand, leaned down and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. As I reached into the bag to get a handful of popcorn she hit play…

 
 
To be continued.