Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 11

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Author's Note:Many apologies for the cliff hangers, and the time it took me to get this one finished. Thank you to all those who have commented, and if you saw my blog post you'd have seen the bit about my daughters graduation. This last two weeks on top of getting my oldest through her graduation, this last week was helping my middle through her finals. That and with them only being barely a year apart, through both of their birthdays. Gosh I'm tired lol. Hopefully this one will make up the last chapter like I had promised. {hugs}-~Rebecca

When I regained consciousness, I was almost blinded by the bright light that was in the room. I quickly shut my eyes and groaned, my entire body felt as if I’d been run over by a truck. I tried to open my eyes again, this time much more slowly. As everything slowly came into focus I recognized the room I was in as a hospital room, I’ve been in enough to know. I also realized that I was hooked up to monitors with an IV, I immediately started wondering how badly I had screwed up. Looking around I saw my Mom sitting in a chair besides my bed. She had her head resting in her hand with her eyes closed and appeared to be taking a nap. With the light in the room and not being able to see out a window I had no idea what time, or even what day it was. I tried to sit up some so I could look around better and groaned again much louder.

Mom immediately sat up, “Jordan… How do you feel?”

“I’m really sore, it’s like every single muscle hurts…”, I told her. Then I apologized, “Mom, I’m sorry… I didn’t think that this would happen… I just thought it might help…”

“Help? Help what? How could you have thought this would help anything? You know what that medication did to you.”, she accused.

I muttered, “I just… I don’t know Mom… After everything that had happened… Sam texted me and I had agreed to talk with her on Saturday… I was just so messed up… It had never made me this sick before. I thought it would just help me clear my head enough to talk without breaking down again…”

She sighed, “Jordan… From what your doctor told me, before the operation your body had built up a resistance to the protein malfunction… Since then though… You had no resistances built up anymore so it....”

I sighed in understanding, “So it hit me like a Mac truck…” She nodded. I then added, “Wish they didn’t pull back and forth so many times.” I chuckled softly, only because it hurt to do so.

Mom shook her head at me and said, “How can you joke right now?”

I softly shrugged my shoulders, even that caused me to wince a bit. I told her, “What else can I do Mom? I was stupid I know that… Now…”

About that time a nurse came in to check on me, after I told her how sore I was she injected something into my IV to help me relax. I fell back asleep a few minutes later.

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The next time I woke up the lights didn’t hurt my eyes near as badly as earlier. The room appeared a bit darker now, and I realized it must have been evening, due to hardly any light coming in through the windows behind me. I didn’t see my parents when I glanced around the room, but I did see a slightly familiar face sitting in the chair reading out of a notebook. I started to try to sit up, and while I wasn’t as sore as earlier, it still caused me to groan slightly.

My new gender therapist looked up and asked, “Hey Jordan, how are you feeling?”

I sighed, I knew I would be asked this constantly for the foreseeable future, but I was already getting tired of hearing it. I told him, “I guess I’m doing okay… I’m just sore…”

He leaned over and helped me sit up and place a pillow behind me instead of operating the bed’s machinery. He told me, “You know that you worried a lot of people.”

I nodded, “I know… I wasn’t trying to… I just thought that it would help get get a handle on things…”

He nodded, “I’ve already talked to your parents… Your Mom told me what you had told her this morning… I understand why you did it… You realize though that it was pretty foolish, don’t you?”

I snorted, “Yeah… Well waking up in the hospital sort of pointed that out to me…” He laughed hard. I realized what I said and apologized, “Sorry… Sometimes I’m kind of an ass…”

He chuckled, “Dr. Byrnes put down that you were a smart ass in his notes. I can see why he did now. That’s perfectly okay with me. Some might disagree, but I’ve always thought a high level of sarcasm is a good marker for mental stability. Having a sense of humor is actually healthy Jordan.”

I rolled my eyes, “I should be the poster child for mental health then…”

He laughed again, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves Jordan. It’s just one of the many markers I look for. You’ve got a lot on your plate, without a doubt, but I know you can get through this.”

I nodded, and said softly, “I know… It’s just so damn hard…”

He told me gently, “I know it is… You’ve got a lot of people here for you that want to help. Not only your friends and family, but also every single person in the group are here for you. I hope you come back, they can help.”

I softly told him, “I know I have a lot of support… It’s just that… I feel like nobody understands what I’m going through… When people tell me that ‘I can get through this’, inside I’m like how the eff do you know? They don’t know what I’m going through… It all seems so fake to me…”

He started, “Jordan… That’s why the group would be good for you. They can understand what you’re going through… Especially if you’re there to explain it to them…”

I blurt out, “But they all want to be girls… Like Ella, I think her name was, they would all love for this to happen to them… How can they understand…”

He shook his head, “I know that Jordan…They understand the battle with their gender though. You don’t want to be a girl… Would it matter to you if I told you that I understood?”

I looked at him quizzically and said, “Well you’re supposed to sort of understand right? That’s what they teach you in college right?”

He shook his head, “No they didn’t teach me this in college… Well maybe they tried to teach us to be empathetic, but… You know what? While I usually do this on a first session, and since we’ve yet to have a real session… I think introductions are in order.”

I mutter, “But we’ve already met?”

He laughed softly, “Just humor me Jordan.”

Still looking at him strangely and trying to figure out what he’s up to, I stick my hand out and say, “Okay… I’m Christopher Jordan Taylor… The third…” Yeah… I hated my first name… Well maybe not hated, but both my Dad and Granddad were ‘Chris’. So, I went with Jordan as soon as they let me decide. Tradition just wasn’t really my thing.

He raised his eyebrows at hearing ‘The Third’, but he shook my hand anyway and stated, “Jordan, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Tabitha Anne Rodrick… Or at least that’s what my parents named me.”

I was stunned. I looked at Tim and realized a few things that I hadn’t paid much attention to. I realized he wasn’t as big as most guys, of course he was still huge compared to me. He had large eyes with long eyelashes, but most of his facial features were hidden behind an almost full beard.

I stammer, “Wait… You’re…”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m transgender too… I don’t usually spread that around. It’s hard enough being the only gender therapist in this town, while people generally are pretty decent here… There’s enough that already want to run my practice out of here… I always disclose that to my patients on our first session though. I want them to know I understand, and not just as book knowledge.” He paused to let that sink in, then he continued, “Jordan… I transitioned when I was working on my doctorate. I always knew from a young age that being Tabitha was wrong for me. I know what it’s like watching your body develop as female, when that’s the last thing you want… While I know that you have limited options with what you can do… I want you to know I do understand most of what you’re dealing with… I want to help you, you just have to let me.”

I was stunned, I softly asked, “Is that why you became a gender therapist?”

He nodded, “Yes, it is. Even though I only transitioned ten years ago, finding a therapist that dealt with this was difficult… I wanted to give back in a way to the community. Ultimately though, I simply wanted to help people. People that are struggling with a gender identity problem, people like you Jordan.”

I slowly nodded, “Okay…”

He asked, “Okay? To what? Will you let me help you?”

I said, “Yeah… I’d like to try at least…”

He smiled, “Well that’s good enough for right now… I’m going to get out of here… I understand that you’ve got your parents here and it’s late. So, I’m going to head out to let your next visitor in. I’ll reschedule our next appointment to be sooner if that’s okay with you.”

I nodded, “That’s okay with me… Thanks Doc… Err I mean Tim…”

He laughed as he was getting up to leave, “That’s okay Jordan. Either works, but I’d prefer if you just call me Tim. I’ve found that having a good friend is better than just a therapist… Friends call each other by their name and not title.”

I laughed, “Well wouldn’t that make you both?”

He turned to face me right before he stepped out of the room, “That’s what I’m aiming for Jordan. See you in a few days.”

I sat back in the bed for a moment, just letting all that information sink in. I knew what I did was stupid… Well I knew it now, you know that old saying about hindsight being 20/20 and all… I also realized how it probably looked to everyone around me, even with me trying to explain that I seriously wasn’t trying to hurt myself. That’s what they all probably thought. That’s why Tim was here, and the look on my parent’s face. I knew I had to start making progress with… well me… I realized that I liked Tim… I didn’t really dislike my old therapist, but he was always so clinical with me… Tim was different… I liked different.

I also tried to get out of bed, the nurses had removed my IV and stuff, and I desperately didn’t want to use the bedpan. I struggled for a minute to get up, and while I felt weak, I was nowhere near as weak as I used to be. Maybe I should have pressed the pager to have someone help me to the bathroom, but as you’ve all guessed. My ass is incredibly stubborn, if you hadn’t figured that out by now.

It had taken me several minutes to get my business done, I had to hold on to the wall and furniture to help me not to fall. Once I was finished and had washed my hands, I started making my way back to the bed. As I stepped out of the bathroom the face I saw waiting on me almost made me fall. She was quick though and hopped up to help support me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”, Sam asked me as she helped me to the bed. I wanted to be mad at her. To be mad about her storming away from me in the stairwell, for her holding on to Brett’s hand at the group… I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t. All I knew was I felt so relieved to see her, and how good it felt for her arm to be around me. She even smelled so good, but not in that girly fruity lotion type of smell… She just smelled like Sam. It made my heart race.

As she helped me into a sitting position on the bed I told her, “I was just wanting to use the bathroom… I’m sorry…”

She scolded me, “You don’t have to do everything by yourself Jordan… It’s okay to ask for help, you stubborn ass.”

I sighed, “I know…”

Then her face softened, and I could see the concern clearly when she asked, “So are you going to be okay? I mean from this at least?”

I told her, “Yeah I think so… They don’t think I did any permanent damage or anything, so just a setback to my overall recovery… I’ll be sore and tired for a few days is all…”

She nodded, “I’m really glad you’re going to be okay… I’m still mad at you though…”

I sigh, “I don’t blame you Sam… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth… I was just so scared… I tried to though…”

She shook her head, “That’s not what I’m mad at Jordan… I understand that now… I’m mad at you because you promised…” She started to tear up and her voice started to crack. I looked at her confused, and she took a deep breath and said, “The relay races in the nursing home… You promised to be there… I thought you were breaking that promise when your Mom told me you were in the hospital this morning…” I saw her face as the first tear streaked down her cheek.

I tried to reassure her, “Sam I wasn’t trying to break that promise… I swear… My emotions they’ve just been… Overwhelming… I thought it would help me get a bit of control of them when we talked… I’m sorry…” I felt the emotions well up within me in the moment. I guess Sam noticed it when she leaned over and grabbed me in a tight hug. While it hurt slightly with my muscles being as sore as they were, it felt much better to have her hug me. I could deal with my muscle ache.

She whispered in my ear, “Jordan… The last couple of days, especially today I realized something… I don’t want you in my life… I need you… I need my best friend Jordan…”

I nodded and whimpered in her grasp, “I need my best friend too Sam…”

We sat there and hugged for a long time as we both softly wept in each other’s arms. When we separated she told me, “I’m not mad at you anymore okay? But if you try something stupid like this again, I’ll kick your ass. Do you understand me?” She then let out a watery giggle.

I laughed softly and told her, “Deal… So best friends still?”

She nodded and said, “Of course… Even though I needed some time to think… You didn’t stop being my best friend… I promise…”

I nodded, then asked her, “So now that you know everything… Do you regret kissing me in the stairwell?”

She looked confused and told me, “No… Why would you think I regretted that?”

I looked down at my hands and told her, “I remember you telling me that you were into guys… Now that you know… I won’t be a guy much longer… Or if I’m even a guy now…”

Realization struck on her face, she told me, “Jordan I said I thought I was maybe into guys… If he was the right one… I was talking about you… I honestly thought that you wouldn’t be into me…”

Confused I asked her, “Why? I told you that I was into girls…”

It was her turn to look down at her hands in her lap, “But I’m not a girl… I’m a trans-girl…”

I scold her, “Shut up! Sam you’re a girl…”

She tried to argue, “But I am, I’m…”

I interrupt, “Answer this honestly… Are you a girl? Or are you a boy?”

Sam mutters, “But I still have a…”

“Stop it Sam.” I tell her. “Boy or a girl?”

She looks up at me and softly says, “A girl…”

I smiled at her, “That’s what I thought… It doesn’t matter to me if your trans… I don’t even think of you as my best trans friend… Your just my best friend, who happens to be a girl you know?”

She smiles softly and asks, “Really? I just thought that… You’d want to be with like a real girl…”

I scold again, “Stop it Sam… If you didn’t notice, I kissed you back didn’t I?

She blushed and said, “I thought I had imagined that part… When we were kissing… When I touched your… Did you? You know? I felt you start shaking…”

That caused me to blush as I told her, “I don’t know what happened… My entire body was tingling and then… I honestly don’t know what happened…”

We sat there for a few moments in silence, her just sitting beside me on the bed and holding hands. Finally, she said, “So this entire time you thought I wouldn’t be interested in you because you’re changing, and I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me because I’m trans…”

I let that sink in for a moment, all the thoughts we each had had. Simply because we kept beating around the bush and not saying exactly what we had meant. With how I had been so afraid to totally open up with Sam, and in a way, she was doing the same. I finally joked, “Aren’t we a pair…”

She softly giggled, then after a moment she softly told me, “I’d still like us to be…” She then stared directly at me while softly biting her lip waiting for my response.

I asked, “Really?” She just nodded, still biting her lip, which caused my insides to flutter. “It doesn’t bother you that my body is changing? I mean I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do…”

She gave my hand a squeeze, “Jordan… No, it doesn’t matter to me… No matter what you decide to do, you’ll still be my best friend right?” I simply nod, afraid of saying anything to ruin the moment. She continues, “It doesn’t matter if you decide to have your breasts removed or keep them and just be a guy with boobs. I don’t even care if you decide that being a girl is the way to go… Jordan I like you okay… Doesn’t matter what your body does or doesn’t do.”

I nod and softly say, “Okay…” I felt the tears forming, but I didn’t do anything to stop them. I just sat there staring into Sam’s brown eyes, enjoying that small moment with her. I didn’t mind that I felt that I was crying, because I wasn’t upset. I might have had several different emotions running through me, but mostly I was relieved and happy that she was sitting here with me.

She softly wiped the tears off my cheek and asked, “Hey what’s wrong?”

I shook my head and told her, “Nothing… These are good tears, at least that’s what they feel like.” I gently put my hand over her hand that was still caressing my cheek.

She smiled at me and then slowly leaned towards me slightly, then paused for a moment staring into my eyes. I softly nodded to her and she leaned further in until our lips touched. I gently moved my hand from her hand and slowly moved it to her cheek, and we both sat there kissing for several long moments until I heard someone clear her throat.

Sam and I both quickly sat up and turned to look at the person at the door as Mom smiled and said, “I see that you two have made up.”

I felt my face turn crimson at being caught kissing Sam, and not because she was trans. Looking at Sam I saw her face was bright red as well. I told Mom, “Yeah we have…”

Mom smirked at our embarrassment and told us, “Well I was just coming to check on you two, and to tell Sam that her mom said she could ride home with me once visiting hours are over.”

Sam looked up at my Mom and said, “Thanks Mrs. T. I’m umm sorry you caught us… Umm…”

Mom actually giggled at Sam, she teased, “Sam honey… I don’t mind… Isn’t that what boyfriend and girlfriends normally do?”

Both of our faces blushed an even deeper shade of red to Mom’s amusement, she softly laughed and told us, “I’ll go back in the waiting room and let you two have some more time. Sam we’ve got just under an hour until visiting hours are over by the way.”

Sam told her, “Thanks Mrs. T. Don’t you want to visit Jordan though? I can wait in the visiting room.”

Mom smiled and told her, “No sweetie, I think you two need the time right now. I’ll come up and get you when its time.” With that she was back out the door.

Sam exclaimed, “Oh… my… God…”

I laughed, “My sentiments exactly…” We both then broke into giggles. I then noticed how tired Sam looked, I think told her so, “You look wiped out… How long have you been here?”

She shook her head, “I’m okay Jordan… I’ve been here since this morning… When I texted you this morning to see if we could talk as soon as practice was over, your mom sent me a text telling me you were admitted last night… I got my Mom to drop me off right after…”

I apologized, “God I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for you to miss practice…”

Sam told me, “Don’t… It’s okay… The girls understood, and they were concerned too. So, I’ve been answering texts most of the day… You’ve basically got the entire softball team as friends now, you know that, right?”

I nodded, “Shelly talked to me a bit after that one practice… She said that she would love to be friends with me…”

Sam scooted a bit closer to me and said, “Jordan… They’re all impressed with you…” She then looked closer at me and softly told me, “You said I looked tired… You should see yourself. You look exhausted…”

I shrugged my shoulders, and told her, “I’m okay… I’m kinda used to be worn out…”

She gave me a concerned look and told me, “Why don’t you lie down and get some rest okay? You need to get stronger, so you can get out of here.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap and said, “I don’t want you to leave Sam… I can stay awake till visiting hours are over. It’ll be okay.”

She shook her head, “Don’t argue… Why don’t we compromise… Why don’t you lie down, and I’ll stay until you fall asleep?” I nodded, she then said,” Well then lie down and scoot over.” She then proceeded to kick her shoes off.

Confused I asked, “What are you doing?”

She giggled and said, “I’m not stripping, you dork, now scoot over. I’m staying on top of the covers.”

I slid over and laid on my left side, she then lied down next to me on top of the covers. I asked, “Like this?”

She smiled, and gently put her hand on top of mine, “Yeah, is this okay?” I just nodded back smiling.

We stayed like that and talked for probably the next half hour, occasionally sharing a light kiss, both of us were slowly nodding off. As I was staring at her, and watching her eyes start drooping, I remembered something important. Even with everything that had happened I couldn’t believe I had forgotten this. I asked, “Sam… You said you weren’t into guys? Right?”

She nodded and softly muttered, “Umm humm, Yeah… Not into guys… Just you…”

I asked, “Umm… Last night… What were you doing with Brett at the group? I saw you holding his hand.”

She said, with her eyes still closed, “Yeah… It was the first time he’d ever been… He was nervous.”

Confused, I asked, “So you invited him to come?”

She giggled softly, “No silly… Last night wasn’t a ‘Loved one’s’ meeting… Brett was invited by Tim.” She then fell asleep, or at least her breathing drifted off into a slow and steady rhythm.

I muttered, “Oh…” I was still stunned with that revelation as I felt myself start to drift off as well.

Authors afterthought : I did want to say, the character of Tim is a shout out to my own GT. Who also dropped that bomb on me on our first session. I thought that was actually too cool not to include in this story. ~ Rebecca
 
 
To be continued.