Author's Note:Well seems my muse really got on a roll again. Thank God. I want to thank you all so much for following.{hugs}-~Rebecca

I had found myself awake early this morning, it had been three days since I had been released from the hospital after my stupid mistake. Most of what I had been doing the last few days had been lying around, resting, and doing schoolwork. My last day of suspension had been on Monday, but the doctors had held me out Tuesday as well, something about giving me one more day to recover. With all the naps I have taken, I just couldn’t sleep anymore. With a few hours to kill until I had to leave for school I kept finding my mind drifting back to the last few days.

I had to smile a bit thinking how odd my life had become, but at the same time I honestly didn’t feel that it was odd in a bad way, it was just different. My best friend in the entire world was now my girlfriend, but she had always been my friend, it was just back when she was a he and we played baseball and soccer together. My new close friend is a senior, who also is the star quarterback on the high school’s football team, who just happens to feel like he is a girl. Then there is me and all the weird excitement that has been my life for the last several years. Like I said, odd…

I’ve realized that I’m sort of in between the two of them. While yes, I’m transitioning, like Sam wants to do, I’m also a lot like Brett as I want to stay who I am… Or at least who I think I am. That is the kicker though, who exactly am I? I’ve started thinking about how I am so quick to come to someone’s defense and how typically that might be considered a more masculine kind of trait. I feel like a protector, but that isn’t necessarily masculine either, if you’ve ever seen a mother coming to the defense of their child that becomes obvious. Was that why I’m like I am? Is it a mothering type instinct or is it my masculine side coming out?

I also thought about how I consoled Brett when he had his breakdown at the hospital, and how that reminded me of something that Mom would do. Was the way I consoled him solely because of the hormones I’ve been taking? Or was it something else? Would I have done that before? I honestly think I would have. Brett was suffering from guilt, well mostly guilt along with his dysphoria, but it was mostly guilt. I truly understood guilt, I have had my share of it over the last few years. Seeing how my parents constantly worried and cried over my and my illness. I couldn’t help but feel that it was my fault, even though I knew logically that I had no say in the matter. I still felt it though, quite often actually. Now the guilt is because I’m struggling to accept my situation. Because when I struggle it causes my parents to worry even more… That’s all on me. I know that. I realized I’d have still tried to help him, even before I started my meds. Actually, I knew I would, without a doubt in my mind.

I’d been asking myself these things for the last two days. Something Brett had said when he came over on Monday had caused me to do a lot of soul searching. With Monday being our last day of suspension from the fight, he had gotten bored and came over here to hang out with me. With him being three grades ahead of me and Sam, he really didn’t ever know me from before. He had only heard from other people who had known me. I guess in a way he was trying to strengthen our budding friendship, I guess in a non-trans way. As far as I was concerned, he saved my ass and Sam’s from Clint. He was going to be a lifelong friend to me already.

I was pretty relieved when he showed up, I had been worrying about him and what he was going through. I saw through his fake smile as he left the hospital, after all I think I could have patented that one when I had been so sick. He stayed over here for a couple of hours, and until the last part of his visit we didn’t even discuss anything trans related. He even got me off the couch to toss the football around for a bit. That was actually pretty cool of him to do, I was so sick of sitting still it wasn’t funny. Even though football had never been my game, at least since first and second grade, I was glad for the distraction. While I had still been fast and agile back then, I would have made a great running back or even a receiver, I was always the last to be picked for teams because of my size… Being second string never sat well with me, I mean I wanted to play so I ended up dropping it and focused on baseball and soccer instead.

When I had finally worn myself out throwing the ball with him, I think it might have taken me forty minutes, we did sit down and have a conversation about our individual issues. He told me he really didn’t want to transition to be a girl. He didn’t really give me any reasons why, other than he thought he’d make an ugly girl, he tried to laugh at that like it was a joke. That caused me to take a better look at him, and while yes, he was huge, six-foot-two or three and close to two hundred and thirty pounds of solid muscle, other than that… Brett was actually what I would consider a pretty boy. He kind of had this surfer look with the longish wavy blonde hair, a fair complexion with an androgynous face, and piercing blue eyes. While his adams apple was noticeable it wasn’t very prominent. I felt that there was more to it than just being worried about his appearance.

I tried to tell him that it wouldn’t look as bad as he thought, especially if he started hormones. He just brushed it off and as he left was when he said the phrase that got me to thinking. He told me wouldn’t it be cool if we could have swapped… That way I could have been the strong big sports god, and he could have been the small petite person forced to take female hormones… I kinda laughed about it when he left… I couldn’t get it out of my head though.

At first, I thought yeah that would have been cool, being able to be big and strong and basically play any sport I wanted. Then I thought that for that to happen I would have to also swap my mutated gene problem and all that entailed. The years of wasting away, the puking until my throat bled… I realized that I wouldn’t ever trade this with anyone… I wouldn’t even swap with Clint with him being the asshole he is, I’d never wish this on anyone else. I then accepted that my illness was exactly that, it was mine, nobody else’s. Finally claiming my illness as mine, and not just accepting it, is what got my mind to running its marathon thinking session that I’ve been having. I’m pretty sure that was the reason I wasn’t freaking out this morning like I had done just a few weeks ago.

While I was standing there in my underwear looking in the mirror this morning, I couldn’t help but see that I already looked like a girl. A fairly cute girl at that. If I got a decent haircut and maybe thinned my eyebrows and with makeup I would probably even be pretty… That thought didn’t cause the panic that it did a month ago, it was just… It still didn’t feel right to me. I still didn’t feel like a girl, although I probably don’t have a clue what being a girl felt like, it just didn’t feel right to me. It would feel so wrong to me to start telling people that I’m a girl when I truly didn’t feel that way…

I also knew that I was going to have to work out my feelings towards this sooner rather than later. Due to my stupid mistake, plus how I would sometimes forget to take my estradiol pills, they inserted an estradiol pellet in my left ass cheek while I was in the hospital. With the constant flow of estrogen in my system they also modified my protein sludge I’m supposed to drink every day. For one thing they removed the T-blocker that was in it, the pellet should counter whatever testosterone my adrenal gland is producing, the other thing they changed both excited and truly terrified me.

My doctors weren’t happy with my overall muscle gain since my procedure. While I definitely had a more female shape to me, as I’ve said I am still really thin. I don’t know exactly what it is, but they told me they were going to try an HGH derivative with my shake. Along with the possibility that it should help me regrow some muscle, they also said there was a good chance that it might help me grow a little taller. I jumped at that chance, then they pulled the rug out from under me. Taking the new shake would probably accelerate my female puberty as well. I was really torn for a few minutes, but once I realized I was going to grow boobs one way or the other, the chance of gaining inches in height was easily worth the risk. I started drinking it yesterday, and other than the chalky aftertaste, which is nasty, at least they somehow made it taste a bit better while it was going down. Unfortunately, the consistency is still a grainy sludge… Lucky me, right?

Due to one other side effect, my parents, doctors and I have already decided to split the shake in half and take the half twice a day, especially after what happened yesterday. The old shake had always made me a bit jittery for a while, the new one… Oh my God… I was so wired within an hour of drinking it… After another hour of being around my parents they left and went to their bedroom to escape from my constant rambling… Sam on the other hand, couldn’t stop laughing at me. I had to steal her phone from her, just so she’d quit filming me for ‘posterity’. I tried to be mad at her, but had the roles been reversed… I’d have been doing the same thing… My mind didn’t slow down enough for me to fall asleep until after midnight, and even then, I woke up at four this morning bouncing with energy.

That’s why at five thirty I was already showered, hair dried, and had been checking myself out in the mirror for the last half hour. As I said, this wasn’t freaking me out anymore, but I still haven’t made the connection that the reflection was ‘me’… With a sigh I finally gave up and slipped on my jeans, of course they were my new female jeans and not my old ones. Mom had already gotten rid of those since I couldn’t fit into them anymore with my hips and ass. At least she had bought me some bigger generic tee-shirts made out of some heavier cotton to ensure my sports bras wouldn’t be as obvious. Out of habit I first tucked the shirt in, but with the way it showed off my shape down below my waist, I quickly untucked it. Seeing my body better camouflaged with clothing, I slipped my shoes on and headed downstairs. I’m slowly getting to be okay with the way my body is starting to look, being okay simply meaning that I’m not having a panic attack and hyperventilating about it anymore. I’m just not ready for the world to see it yet.

I was going over all the school work I had done since being expelled, plus the extra day I had to take off from doctor’s orders, when my parents came down to start breakfast.

Dad asked, “Jordan? How long have you been up?”

“A little over two hours I think… I couldn’t sleep anymore.”, I told him.

Mom frowned, “That’s not enough sleep. Was it because of your supplement?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know if it was that or the fact I haven’t been able to do anything but sit around the house for the last several days… Sitting still sucks.”

Dad chuckled, “Yeah you couldn’t ever sit still since you were a toddler… Too much nervous energy even back then.”

Mom asked Dad, “Should we give him the half a supplement this morning like they suggested? If he was up this early he might could skip it.”

Dad shook his head, “I don’t know… He might run out of steam before he gets home… Why don’t we leave it up to him? Jordan what do you think?”

I answered, “I’m okay having it… I don’t feel wired or anything right now, just wide awake. Better safe than sorry thought, I probably should drink it.”

Mom sighed, “Well I guess I better write you a letter if you get like you did last night… Just hope they don’t ask you any questions in class…”

Dad almost snorted his coffee at that moment. I whined, “I wasn’t that bad!”

Mom then pulled her phone out and played a video showing me rambling on ninety to nothing and talking so fast I almost couldn’t understand myself. She asked, “You were saying?”

I blushed in embarrassment, “Did Sam text you that one?”

She laughed, “No she didn’t. That was one I videoed. I didn’t think you’d believe me otherwise. Honey don’t be embarrassed. It was really cute… For like the first fifteen minutes… Maybe I can use this as blackmail to make sure you behave.”

I fussed, “Mom! That’s so not cool. Dad! Make her delete it.”

Dad by this time was hiding behind the morning news on his tablet, without looking up he said, “Huh what was that? I wasn’t paying attention.” He didn’t look up, obvious he was siding with mom.

Mom was grinning with her victory, so I told her, “Fine I won’t take the morning shot of it.”

She grinned, “Well I’m sure your teachers will be thankful.”

I mused, “Guess I’ll just drink a whole one when I get home then… They did say I needed to drink all of it in one day…”

Mom shook her head, “On that thought, I’ll make it for you.” She then got the package for today and using a knife cut the block in half and stuck it in the blender with the milk. I just sat there grinning, after all two could play at this game. She was in the middle of blending my slime when the doorbell dinged.

I hopped up and ran to the door, and as soon as I opened it Sam stepped in and gave me a quick kiss before I had time to even greet her. When she stepped back with her mischievous grin I told her, “Wow… You’re early.”

She kept grinning, “I hope you don’t mind.”

I shook my head, “Not at all… Just glad I was the one to open the door and not either of my parents…”

She giggled loudly and even snorted a couple of times, which only caused me to giggle along with her. Without the snorts of course. When she caught her breath she told me, “Yeah that could have been awkward…”

We were both still laughing when we walked into the kitchen holding hands, Mom asked, “What’s gotten into you two this early in the morning… Or do I even want to know…”

I laughed as I was sitting down, “Probably not Mom.” She smirked at me as if she knew exactly what had gotten into us as she sat my drink down in front of me.

Sam was eyeing my drink with concern and asked, “Is that going to be a good idea? You do remember last night…”

Dad laughed behind his tablet but otherwise kept out of the conversation, it was Mom who answered, “Well we suggested he skip this mornings, so he threated to drink a whole one this evening…”

Sam nodded knowingly and asked, “So you chickened out and you’re going to let the teachers deal with Mr. Talkative here…”

Mom laughed, “Pretty much… Can you blame us?”

Sam laughed hard enough to snort again, which I couldn’t help but to laugh along with her. As I lifted the drink to my lips I said, “You both know I’m right here, don’t you?” I then killed the slime and watched Sam shudder as it went down.

Dad softly stated behind his tablet, “Better the school than us…” To which set us all laughing again.

Thankfully breakfast was already ready as I was chugging the shake, which was great considering I needed something to ward off the after yuck flavor in my mouth. Mom even prepared a plate for Sam, and we all enjoyed breakfast.

Sam filled my parents in on how people were looking forward for me to return. It seems most had heard about my hospital visit, and several were concerned. What surprised me was hearing how a large amount of people were looking forward for me to come back due to how I stood up to Clint. I hadn’t expected that especially since I only stood up to him to get him off of Sam. I knew that most of the student body hadn’t been mean to her, but they still had kept their distance.

Sam also told me how the softball team had been bragging to everyone about her and how she was going to help them win state this year. While there were still several people who were rude to her, mostly people were slowly coming around. I couldn’t help but smile about that. I thought it was strange how she kept telling me how strong I was, but she was the one that was openly enduring how people looked at her, and ignored her… I just wish she knew how strong she really was.

We visited while we had breakfast and as I got my things ready for school. As Sam and I were leaving she asked if I needed her to take my backpack after everything. I thought about it and it was my bravado speaking when I told her I was okay. I actually was okay, I felt really good. The drink had had enough time to kick in but I didn’t feel exactly hyper just that I felt like my body was charged. She didn’t even argue with me about it this time, she just gently told me okay as she leaned in to give me a kiss before we started our walk.

We were about a third of the way walking hand in hand, when she told me, “You know, you’re really looking good. I mean you’ve always been cute and good looking, but its more than that. I’ve noticed it the last couple of days.”

“Really?”, I asked. I then thought about how I’ve made more forward progression in the last few days than I had in the last five months. I told her, “I’ve come a lot closer to accepting what’s happening to me… I mean truly accepting it, and not just knowing it… If that makes sense.”

She nodded, “You do seem a bit more relaxed and confident. It looks good on you.” She then leaned over in mid stride and pecked me on the cheek. She then asked, “So have you decided what you’re going to do?”

I shook my head and laughed, “No not yet, I’m not that far, but I’m getting closer.”

She nodded, “I get that… Just whenever you do decide… I’ll still be here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know Sam. I mean like I really know.”, I said, as I took the initiative to return the kiss to her cheek. Even if I had to stand on my toes to do so. She smiled at me an blushed.

We walked for a few more minutes when she stopped and turned to me, “Guess we better do this before we get around the corner so people cant see us.” She then bent over and kissed me, nothing very passionate, but still it made my body tingle. After we broke the kiss she let go of my hand and we started to walk the last block and a half to school.

That got me started to think about the rules about PDA at school, no kissing and stuff like that. We’re supposedly not even supposed to hold hands but every couple does and nothing is ever said to them. At least the straight couples do, I’ve yet to see any gay or lesbian couples holding hands on school grounds. That double standard was wrong, and I mean totally wrong and it pissed me off. I stopped us right before we were getting ready to cross the street, even though we were in plain view of everyone we were still technically not on school grounds.

Sam looked at me and asked, “Is everything okay?”

I told her, “I think so… Sam… You’re not embarrassed of me or anything are you?”

She shook her head, “Not at all Jordie… Do you think I am?”

I smiled at her and told her, “No I don’t think you are… I just needed to make sure though.”

She looked confused as she asked, “Okay… Why?”

I then reached up and caressed her cheek and pulled her gently down and kissed her in plain view of everyone, both students and teachers. I felt the hundred pairs of eyes on us, and honestly I felt good not hiding our relationship. As we broke our kiss I smiled at Sam and she smiled back at me slightly blushing. I then stuck my hand out for her to grasp.”

“Jordan… Aren’t you worried that everyone saw that?”, she asked.

I shook my head, “Not at all Sam. I’m glad they did.”

She smiled and gently took my offered hand, she asked, “So you aren’t worried what people might say?”

I shook my head, “The people that would say anything already have Sam… If they want to say anything else… Fuck em… I don’t care.” I then gently pulled her on the crosswalk to start what was going to be a really interesting day.

 
 
To be continued.