I helped Ashley to decorate the house for Cathy and Cassandra’s arrival at home. Once again, I prepared dinner for them. All Ashley will need to do is to put things on the stove and in the oven as I have left notes for everything. I didn’t know Julie felt the need to stop over to make sure I did everything correctly. She says she didn’t want the new mother to be poisoned, ha. I’m sure she wanted to check on her domestic husband and enjoy the change.

I got to greet Cathy, Bridgette and Cassandra, seeing their new pride and joy, Cassandra being welcomed home. Bridgette was pleasantly surprised. Ashley and I had waited until she went to the hospital before we put most of the decorations around the house. Flowers and balloons had since arrived, adding a festive glow. We had little signs and colorful streamers across doorways and dipping down from lights.

I tried to get out of going to my therapist’s appointment, but Bridgette insisted I keep my appointments with Dr. Apgar. My appointment was at 4:00 p.m. and I was pushed out of the house at 3:00. I had not taken the clues that they wanted family time.

We were early into our visit, and I told her about Cathy having their baby. Dr. Josie Apgar thanked me and we visited a little, “Tell me, please about the other week in Philadelphia, when you said, someone named Gloria came onto you and wanted to make love to you, Elaine?”

“I’m not sure what you want me to talk about.”

“Well, you want to be loved. Wouldn’t that have been a great opportunity to allow someone to make love to you,” she asks?

I can feel I’m getting aroused just at the idea, but I have other, stronger feelings building inside. I’m ready to tear, “But… but I didn’t want to be like Dan, only in skirts. I wanted it so badly, but I want it to last more than fifteen minutes. But yes, I want to be loved, is that so bad!”

Josie smiles and says, “Why is that so hard to say? I hope you feel good about saying that out loud.” I look up and instead of looking away as I had been, I now look directly at Josie. I think to myself, ‘I did say it, didn’t I. Josie does not seem to think any the less of me.’

“My father!” I shouted. “He said I wanted to be cuddled and treated like a sweet thing like my sister. He said I wasn’t pretty that I was to be strong like him. He said, ‘If I wanted to love all I needed to do was to grow up and to take it.’”

“I tried to be like him; I even outdid him. But he always held against me any sign of weakness.”

Josie probed, “What does your father think of you now?”

I was strong and emphatic, but it was all Elaine’s voice, “I don’t care any longer. I haven’t talked to him in over a year. My Mom and sister Elaine know that's enough for me. They’re supportive, the only thing they don’t want to see is the old Dan back.” The idea of my dad knowing sends shivers up and down my spine. I think I was actually shaking.

Dr. Josie inquired, “How did you feel after you Mom and Sister came to know about you as Elaine?”

I smiled through my tears, “I felt their love which I hadn’t felt for so long; it was warm…”

But I changed the conversation and began by sharing about Cathy giving birth to Cassandra and how I helped around the house getting it ready. I prepared a meal yesterday but only Ashley and later Bridgette enjoyed it. I fixed another meal today along with decorating the house. I was a little upset because Julie had come over with Robin to make sure I prepared the meal properly. I had it all set with instructions for when Ashley was to take out the soup to heat and simmer it on the stove. I had chicken breasts to bake over a bed of rice in the oven and two choices for vegetables to be steamed. Ashley had agreed to slice some of Cathy’s favorite bread and cheese.

Josie realized I was stewing about meeting with her, not being thanked for what I had done and not being with them like I wanted. “You do realize Elaine that you are not family; you live in the apartment attached to theirs?”

It hit me, ‘Elaine is new, and she is not a little girl she often acts like at Bridgette’s.’ “Why do I find myself acting like a little girl,” I asked Josie?

Without any expression to give any thought away, Josie asks, “How old is the little girl?”

“I feel like I am eleven, no ten,” I tell her.

She asks, “Who should be thanking you?”

“Well, it’s not going to be my father that’s for sure! It would be nice if it would be Bridgette or Cathy; maybe Julie, my Mother, and Sister could acknowledge what I’ve done.”

Josie asks, “Do your mother or sister know the baby was born or how you have helped?”

She somehow realized they hadn’t. “I don’t know why as Elaine, I expected them to know or praise me?”

Josie asks, “Don’t you really know, think?”

“I want them to see me as Elaine; I want to know if they will love me?” It is like scales are falling from my eyes and I can see. I am happy but also gripped by fear. “I shouldn’t feel like this, I have Julie, Robin, and our own baby coming.” My mood changes, “I can’t be a woman, I’m a father.”

Josie reaches to touch the palms of my hands. “Relax, you have just taken a big step. I think you are in a better place to make things work out if they will.” I smile, though part of it is uneasy. I prefer to know now that everything will be alright. I know what Dr. Apgar said is true, ‘I am in a better position to make things work.’

“Elaine, how do you think Julie and Robin feel about you right now?” I smile as I feel warm inside; I can almost feel their embrace. I see a rose on Josie’s desk, I get up to walk to it and pick it out of its vase and smell it. “You like the beauty and fragrance of the rose?”

I tell her, “It reminds me of the other week when we went to eat together and the violinist came over to play for us. He gave each of us a rose thinking we were all women. I really liked it but was afraid to tell anyone.”

Josie asks, “Do you really think, they didn’t know you liked receiving the rose? Did you take the roses with you as you left the restaurant?”

‘Why did she ask that question,’ “You know we each took our rose. I offered mine to Robin and then Julie, but they told me it was mine. I was glad because I didn’t really want to give it away.”

Josie waits until I look up and faintly smiled. “You know, Julie and Robin and your mother and sister love you, Elaine?” I quietly whisper “Yes.” “Close your eyes for a moment. Now let your wife and daughter, your mother and Ruth come and embrace you.” I can see and feel their presence. I am moved with tears but the tears spring from warmth, I’m loved. “It’s okay if you have tears;” Josie says, “I am pretty sure I can see tears in Julie’s eyes as well as your Mom’s. Did you feel the baby’s kick; I think even she is comfortable with you.” I pause thinking, ‘Can she see what I’m seeing?’ I had felt the baby. While all were tearfully happy for me, Julie and my Mom were the ones most moved to tears.

I feel their embrace, open my eyes knowing that they are not there but that's okay. I am both emotionally happy as well as feeling tired. It is almost 6:00 p.m. when our session ends.

I go to Giuseppe's from where I text Bridgette; “I decided to take my time and give your family time.”

I order a soup and a salad for my dinner. I am sipping a glass of wine when Mama Giuseppe sits across from me. “You’re a more comfortable young lady with yourself, no,” she asks?

I lift my glass and tip it to her, “Yes, thank you.” I tell her that Cathy had her baby and we talk about the baby and how babies change lives.

Mama asks, “Do you have any children?” I pick up my purse and search for my pictures of Robin and Julie, plus I now even have a copy of the baby’s ultrasound. “You a proud parent and now happy. Will you remain a woman?”

I look around and between the noise and people sitting away from us, there's no fear of being heard. “I will for a while, maybe for a long time. I am kind of scared but I guess this is part of who I am. Please don’t tell Bridgette, I’ve said that.”

Mama Giuseppe tells me, “I understand, many things have changed since I grew up that I do not understand. But I know you are a better person than when I first met you. You were filled with bitter vinegar, now you seem to be a good woman. I like you and know you are not strange. Bridgette and Cathy are like family. I have been taught differently, but I cannot believe God does not love them any longer. I too know better.”

It is 8:30 p.m. when I leave the restaurant. It is only about three blocks to the apartment. Mama even has her nephew Frankie walk me home.

I knock from my apartment to Bridgette and Cathy’s and Ashley invites me in. “My Mom called you; she said you left your appointment around 6:00 o’clock. Where have you been?”

Instead of getting defensive I calmly reply, “I sent her a message earlier that I would stop to eat at Giuseppe’s for dinner. I wanted to give you family time.”

Ashley’s eyes brighten up as she notices a change in me. She says, “I remember when I became more comfortable in my own skin. It seems you are becoming more content with yourself.” Ashley paused a moment, “So do you really like yourself or are you just doing time and appeasing everyone?”

I look at this girl who has recently turned sixteen; somehow she understands that I use to think like that. “Yes, I am liking me and others much more. My therapist helped me to put some pieces together and I received some love that I hadn’t felt.”

Ashley opens her arms to embrace me, and I step in to receive it. Soon Ashley takes me by the hand and leads me to Cathy, Bridgette, and baby Cassandra. Cathy is nursing Cassandra and I’m initially embarrassed that I intruded. Cathy warmly smiles, “Come and sit down and relax, for now, you are one of us, one of the girls.”

I sit down, it’s beautiful to see Cathy nursing. Aroused is not the right word. It is as though my body yearns to feel what she is experiencing. It’s like my body has a kindred spirit that is longing for something.

Bridgette speaks up, “Aren’t they beautiful? Cassandra looks so much like her mother.” Cassandra pauses in nursing and Cathy gently breaks the suction. Bridgette lifts Cassandra, bringing her to her shoulder to burp. It is a gentle sound and the baby is alert. The baby seems tiny and so fragile. “Ooou, her diaper just turned warm,” the baby’s making a face and Bridgette asks what she is doing, knowing full well. She waits a moment and then changes their little girl, before giving her back to Cathy.

I did not stay long, though I enjoyed being with them immensely. Bridgette follows me back to my apartment. “So how was your appointment,” Bridgette asks? I sit down and encourage her as well.

“It was like an epiphany I think they call it. Josie, Dr. Apgar helped me to let some walls down. It was like dam water washing over me but in a good way. I felt loved,” I know a big smile came to my expression and Bridgette was happy for me.

We continued to visit, among other things Bridgette said, “If you stay around long enough, maybe you’ll see me being pregnant.”

“If I’m around? What does that mean,” I ask?

Bridgette, “Well, it means, maybe you should quit your job and get on with being Dan. On the other hand, if you continue as you’re going, you’re picking up new patterns in your behavior and maybe in six to twelve months, you’ll be ready to be back home or on your own. How you're beginning to do things, needs to become second nature. It will take a while but it will be better for everyone including you.”

I sit up, taking to heart what she said, “How about when our baby comes if I’m really good could I stay home permanently?”

Bridgette giggled, “I should have known better than to say anything this soon. Your and Julie’s baby will be here in two weeks or so. You are getting better but it will take a while before things to become second nature to Elaine. And then more time to make sure it's second nature to Dan.”

I speak up, “I’m not jumping at returning to Dan, though I want too. I know you think I’ll go back to old ways. Not only am I coming to like women’s fashions; I don’t want to have done all this for nothing. I like who I’m becoming.”

I say, “You can’t know how nice it is to feel love. I like that at work I’m living up to my potential again.” Bridgette smiles, I think she’s hearing and believing what I’m saying. “I stopped at Mama Giuseppe’s and she sat with me as I ate. She could tell I’ve changed, and I enjoyed chatting with her.”

Bridgette asks me to stand up and turn around. “Is that one of your new outfits?” I tell her yes. “I didn’t see what you wore when you left. One way I can tell how you’re doing is that your clothes still look good after seven hours. That wasn’t usually true when you started this.”

When I shower, I find myself singing Fleetwood Mac tunes singing Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie’s parts. I enjoy the water running down my body. I dream of some guy coming in behind me and I like his touch. ‘I can’t believe I’m liking that. It’s okay no one else is here and no one else knows.’

I have lunch with Julie on Thursday and then I go with her to her doctor’s appointment. We go to our last prenatal class and I receive compliments as people are finally comfortable with me.

Come Friday, Staci and I are visiting about our project. A co-worker has realized I am Dan and asks, “How long do you have to put up with this charade?”

I made the mistake of saying “I might stay like this.”

Later when I passed him again, he whispers, “How would you like to have a real man?” I stopped, not believing what I heard. He whispers again, “You look like you could be a girl or do I have to use the back door?”

I stand my ground saying, “You can’t say things like that. You know it can get you in trouble?”

John says, “Go ahead, who do you think they’re going to believe. My record is cleaner than yours Dan. I suggest you stay out of my way unless you want my attention. Do you understand?” I just walked away.

I told Lynn but when she asked, “Are you telling me the truth? Are you sure you didn’t come on to him?” I experienced what women colleagues often complained about as sexual harassment. Lynn said she would not make much of it at this point, stating John was under Max’s protection in another division.

Lynn did say, “I will make note of it and if I ever have the chance he will get his walking papers. He is not very valuable to the company. If he would push his luck in the future, whisper back, ‘You too could be wearing a skirt.’ Truth is we wouldn’t waste our time.”

Over ten days later, I was invited to a corporate function out on Long Island. I got out the beautiful outfit Gloria Williams and her mother purchased for me. I went with the silk panties and satin and lace bra. I would wear silk stockings as well. Having the beautiful blouse on sent shivers over my whole body.

I didn’t have my skirt on when there was a knock at the door from Bridgette’s apartment. I wasn’t thinking as I called for whoever to come in. My bedroom door was wide open as Ashley and Bridgette came in and saw me through the open door. I looked up and there they were looking directly at me. All I could say was, “Isn’t this blouse beautiful, I’ll never have anything like it and the skirt again.”

Ashley snickered, “Please put on your skirt, so we can see them together.” Ashley found a chair out of my sight.

Bridgette came in and close the door behind her. “Lynn called and said she would be here in forty minutes to pick you up. Can I help to make sure you are ready on time?”

“Why is she picking me up? I am willing to take a cab and pay for the expense,” I say.

Bridgette smiles, “That is why; you don’t show up in a cab to where you are going at Bethpage out on Long Island. This is no small estate you are going to. They will be sizing you up to see if you are worthy of rising into the upper echelon or need to be let go. You have a great mind in figuring how to make things work, but your social thinking and skills need to be developed if you have any chance of breaking the glass ceiling in middle management.”

She continues, “You will do well tonight if you take your cues from Marilyn Watts, but please don’t stick too close to her. Stacy and or Deborah will likely be there, you might trade off being near to one or the other. If someone offers you a chance to swim in their pool, gracefully decline. That person or someone is trying to discount you as a pretty face and body. You have both, but you are their socially and on business as Lynn's associate.”

I sit to put on my silk stockings and Bridgette compliments me. “You’re very good in putting them on, and it is a good occasion for wearing them. Many of the women will notice and may be envious, but do not flaunt or say that you are wearing them.” When I put on the skirt Bridgette compliments me on how I look overall. She opens the bedroom door, “Ashley, you should see how beautiful the outfit and Elaine are.”

Ashley is impressed and flatters me with praise and then asks, “Can I help with the last of your makeup?” I sit in a small chair near a vanity mirror. Ashley smooths my makeup, adds color to my cheeks and eyes. I look in the mirror and see a woman worthy of being where I am going. It is a look I had not obtained or needed until tonight.

I look back to Ashley, “Thank you, Ashley, you continue to amaze me. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take you shopping sometime and treat you.” Bridgette finished styling my hair and sprayed it ever so lightly. “You might need the extra hold if you are outside at all.” There is a tap on a horn and Ashley confirms, “I think your ride is here. Here’s your purse, do you have everything you need in it?” I check everything, I have my keys for getting back in, my phone, tissues, makeup. Bridgette hands me a wrap and I’m out the door.

It took a good hour plus to get there and a good five minutes from the gate to be let out of the car. There are seventy guests, I know five and recognize maybe fifteen others. Bridgette was right I stepped into a world I don’t really know. Mrs. Mary Halstead greets us warmly. Upon hearing I’m Elaine Hall, she says, “My husband has mentioned you. You’re Marilyn’s associate are you not?”

“I am just her assistant, and she is very good.”

“Would you mind if I show you around,” she asks? She actually offers me her arm, which I take. She calls a waiter to offer me a glass of wine. When she takes one, I follow doing the same. She says, “During this downturn, Warren says, ‘your division is actually growing. And he says that you working with Marilyn and others is an important part. How is that?”

We are interrupted by others and the conversation changes to fashion, yachts, the stock market, and one-up-man-ship. Warren Halstead is a key member of the Board of Directors. He is a younger member coming from old-money. Seemingly several are out to embarrass Warren and his wife for reasons I don’t know or understand.

I had done some of my homework before coming and I knew what a few of them did. Warren was invited to the Board three years ago by CEO Bradley Cooper. I was first taken back when a Mrs. Marti Johnson calls Mrs. Halstead’s dress quaint and compliments her on a modest yet nice gathering.

I speak, “I do not have your vast experience, but it was my understanding that this will be the largest such gathering, some forty percent bigger than any of the other gatherings in the past three years for sure and may five years.”

Ms. Johnson backtracks, “I assure you, you misunderstood me.” She quickly moves on. Staci later confirms for me that the Johnsons are from a division that acts as a holding company I acquiring, merging, and selling off companies. They had acquired land and companies that are presently doing very poorly on the books and as real estate.

The meal was great, though it was too rich and beyond my experience and expertise in evaluating. Fortunately, I ate with Deborah and she guided me through proper meal etiquette. If Mrs. Halstead or others would ask later I knew what I ate and why it was superb. I enjoyed the jazz quartet that played prior to dinner. Mr. Brad Cooper’s address put the company in a good light, but spoke to areas of concern both in light of the economy and company performance. He stated, “Politics aside, many people in the business world are talking about jumping ship, but few know where to jump. The fleet of our corporation will do better by sailing forward the best we can. We shouldn’t get stagnant nor complacent.” He pointed to Lynn and our communications and security division as taking pro-active yet financially responsible routes in going forward.

It was near 9:00 p.m. when I receive a call from Julie, her water had broken and she's in route to the hospital. It was not necessarily wise, but I pushed away from the table. I did not have access to Lynn. Fortunately Mrs. Halstead came to see what my need was. “Elaine, how can I help you?”

I tell her, “I need to get to a Manhattan hospital, I have a family emergency.”

Mary firsts suggests, “Maybe another family member can cover for you until you can get there? I know it feels important to you, may be if you tell me more, I can be of help.”

I am walking in circles, I know if I say the truth it quite likely means my career would be over. “I am sorry Mrs. Halstead, it’s hard to explain, but my wife has just gone to the hospital to have a baby. I need to get there as soon as I can. But I came with Marilyn Watts, so my transport is not mine.”

She says, “I know who you are.” Mrs. Halstead’s face goes a little red, as she calls out, “Marie, call Rodney here promptly to give this woman a quick ride to Manhattan, I will get a state trooper friend to get us some added help.”

With Rodney’s heavy foot on the gas and a State Trooper catching up to us fifteen miles down the road, we make very good time. We are to Columbia Presbyterian south of the George Washington Bridge in record time.

My heart and nerves are returning near normal as Bridgette meets me with news that Julie is fine and has just dilated to five. I quickly wash, gown and get to Julie. She had only been there thirty minutes herself. I would like to go out to kiss and speak to Robin and my mother. But I don’t; while Julie’s parents know about me, this will be the first time they see me in all of Elaine’s glory.

Often second and third babies can come quickly, and Julie carries the baby until 1:14 in the morning. She gives birth to a girl and she is beautiful. She weigh 7 pounds 14 ounces and is 20.21 inches long. She has little wisps of auburn hair like her mother. I know her name but wait to say it until Julie can be the one to tell our moms and Robin in the room.

Mr. and Mrs. Hunt are taken back when they first see me. Sharon cautiously comes up to me, peers into my eyes, “Dan …Elaine the spouse does not usually come in heels and so finely dressed.” She gives me a big hug, though I am sure she would just as well sit me down for a lecture. But Robin is in my arms. “Daddy how is Mommy and my baby sister, I want to see them!”

“You will have to wait. They need to get your Mommy situated in her room.”

Robin glides her hand over my face, “Daddy, you look especially pretty. Did you get pretty for Mommy and the baby?”

I am brought back in thought and remembering where I’ve been. I look around to see if Rodney or a state trooper were here. Bridgette assures me, “Everything is fine. Lynn says she’ll speak to you soon. She and Mary Halstead send their wishes for mom and baby.” With Robin still in one arm and straddled on a hip, I give a big hug to Bridgette. I am for some reason filled with tears and celebrating in her arms. Ashley is with her and hugs all three of us. She has some tissues and begins to dab my eyes and fix my makeup and then my hair.

I am antsy and leave the waiting area and head to find Julie and the baby. It is a beautiful room despite the building being old. Julie is up in the bed and nursing. She looks up to me, “Isn’t Andrea the most beautiful baby?” I kind of echo her, “Andrea Juliet is beautiful like her mother.”

A nurse comes in, “Sorry but only the spouse is allowed in so far.”

Julie speaks up, “This is my spouse, Elaine.” She can’t help but giggle at the nurse’s embarrassment. The nurse thinks a game is being played and speaks up again, “I was told you have a husband, now would you tell me which is it, is she your spouse or you have a husband?”

“I’m sorry for the confusion,” Julie says, “Elaine announced she’s transgendered after I became pregnant again.” Satisfied with the answer, though not too pleased, the nurse leaves.

“Honey how could you tell her that?”

Julie smiles, “You are much too pretty as Elaine, Honey; it would take way too much effort to explain otherwise. Frankly, I am not sure there is more truth to it than we want to admit.” She pats the edge of the bed, wanting me close. I lean over and give her a kiss. She says, “It even feels like I’m kissing the woman I love.” I know what she means as it is different kissing with lipstick and having her hand touching my cheek.

Another nurse comes in, “It is likely your little girl needs her diaper changed. Elaine is it? …Let me show you how to care for your little girl.” I become nervous but the nurse is ready to assure me, “We have not lost a baby yet, but we have taught a quite a few spouses to be of help with their new daughters and sons.”

I needed to wash my hands again, before I check the diaper and begin to clean our little girl. “Good, you have a gentle touch and know how to wipe her.” Heidi shows me how to put a little ointment around the remnant of Andrea’s belly cord. The first diaper was too loose so I had to do it again.

Julie has sat up to dangle her feet. I think she's amused to see me being domestic.

I stepped back thinking I was done. Heidi’s voice goes up, “Never back away from a baby and leave her up there on her own.” Andrea was not in danger of falling, but Heidi wants me never to assume that or that the baby won’t move. Heidi lifts Andrea, placing her on a clean and warm baby blanket. She then shows me how to wrap her and pick her up.

She undoes the blanket and I need to repeat everything. With one hand under her bottom and sliding the other under her head. I lift her up, set he down and wrap her snuggly and bring Andrea into the crook of my arm. I am picking up and holding my daughter. It might not seem like much except for a parent who hasn’t been there recently. I am looking down, admiring Andrea, but something is very different. I had held Robin but this is different, why?

Julia voice is tender, there’s her tone of understanding, “You’re looking over your breasts at her that is different for a dad.” I give Julia a hug and kiss after I laid down Andrea in her in-room bassinette.

I smile and say to Julia, “It’s not just the breasts but the change of perspective that has come with them that has made the difference.”

Julia, “But you enjoy having them don’t you?”

I ask, “Are you ready to see Robin and our mothers?”

Julia says, “Yes but before you get them, please answer my question about your breasts?”

I smile, “I like them, women’s fashions, craziest of all, I now like working with women again.”

I go get our mothers, Julie’s Dad and Robin to see Julie and the baby.

Julie is holding Andrea as Robin walks in and over to her Mother and Sister. Julie smiles, “Robin this is your sister Andrea Juliet.” Robin and the Moms are all smiling as is Julie’s Dad. I am impressed as I see George Hunt anew. I hadn’t liked my Dad for years. But his influence had caused me to see my father-in-law as weak and a wuss. I was now sending up a prayer, “May my girls find guys strong like their Grandfather Hunt.”

George takes me aside; I see him glance at me up and down. “I understand where the Elaine came from, but why did you change your last name?”

“Dad, it was to keep my identity under wraps. Plus if it didn’t work, I wouldn’t be as much of an embarrassment to the family.”

His face became a bit stern, “Can’t you at least use your own voice Dan?”

Julie started to speak, but I cut in, “Do you really want to hear a male voice coming from me when I look like this. It is not that easy to change my voice back and forth.”

He asks, “Can you speak as Dan as you want?”

“Truthfully, it takes more of an effort. It is easier to stay as Elaine, even Robin and Julie find it easier, I think.” Mr. Hunt looks to his daughter Julie, she shakes her head yes and beams a grin.

He goes and visits with Julie and her Mom. Robin is sitting on my lap, and we talk.

Nurse Heidi is soon in the room, “I am asking you to leave so mom and baby can get their needed rest. I would like to suggest that visitors tomorrow wait until afternoon. Elaine you can come as early as 8:30 in the morning if you are going to help, otherwise stay home till the others come.”

We go out to the waiting room and only Bridgette is still there. She hands me an overnight bag, “I suggest you let Julio take you, Robin and all the parents back to your home for tonight.”

The Halls speak up, they are staying in the city. I would do the same with Robin and my Mom but both need a change of clothes and we decide, Robin would do better in her own bed and home…

To be continued…

(If you have not read *Ashley Phoenix Riley, you might enjoy doing so. It is a completed story. Please leave comments there, noting if you are reading *APR now. )

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