TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 23 BURDEN OF EXISTANCE EPISODE 1

Copyright 2008 Prairie_girl_64

I awoke on friday morning with a severe headache and inclination to jot a poem, not a good one in my recollection. However; it holds some meaning now that I have located it in my journals. I have decided to post it here. Firstly I would like to draw back to fall of 1987. That particular day did not begin well for me. I faced yet a challenge that today it is amazing that I have kept a level head.

September 22nd.

I woke up with my entire body aching and my vison not quite what I thought it would be. Stumbilng to the bathroom and almost falling. I grabbed the wall and tried unsuccesffully to maintain my balance. I fell. I struggled to get upright. jenn was at work, I was alone and a bit scared. I felt extremely week and somewhat disoriented. I eventually managed to make it to the bathrrom and attempt to look at myself in the mirror. As blurry as i appeared in the mirror I knew something was drastically wrong with me. I stumbled towards the phone by holding onto the walls and I fell once again. Nearly missing the table in the kitchen I eached the phone. I dialed 911 and waited til te ambulance arrived. I was assessed and rushed to the ER.

Once at the ER i was given a battery of tests. Those included a CT scan and a MRI. A battery of blood work was done on me and I was admitted to the hospital. The following morning I was still disoriented and was not completely aware of my surroundings. Attempting to rise from my bed , I fell to the floor crashing hard. The nurses came and placed me in the bed and told me that f I needed anything I was to call them. Several hours passed by and the doctors arrived. My GP was first in and was first to speak to me.

DR: " Good Morning Mellissa."

Me: " HI" was all I could muster out of my dry mouth and I could barely see him.

DR: " This Dr's Mc Millan and Hughs." I nodded even tho I could not see them clearly.

He proceeded to explain to me what was up with me.

DR: " Mellissa, We have determined with the results of the MRI and the CT scan that you have Multiple Sclerosis."

I was not sure what the hell that was let alone what they were talking about. What the hell is this Multiple Sclerosis shit? I was getting ansy, and very scared. He went on to describe the symptoms to me.

DR: " MS, Mellissa is a neurological disorder that affects the MyLin Lining arround the nervous system, it can cause all sorts of problems. Thos e symptoms can be from dizziness to blindness to musculature spasms. They can also be deadly."

Fuck!!! he got right the heart of the matter. I was getting shakes and all I remember was the nurse being called.

I was awkwe several hours later. I was not sure what had transpired several hours previous. I was shocked and taken aback with what my GP mentioned to me. I never gave Mc Millan and Hughs a oppertunity to speak to me at all. Jenn was called I guess and the message was that she would be up after 7 pm that night. I was still having vision issues and just could not wrap my head arrround this at all. I began to wonder why? What the Fuck? What was happening to my perfect body? Well ok , maybe not exactly perfect, just my body. I swore I would look after it and I damn well did a good job of it too. Was this my fault? Was this my idiotic parents doing? I was lost and getting pissed in the process. I pushed the callbutton and the RN came in. Her name was natalie, she was tall, thin, short blonde hair cut pixie style, blue eyes and a eagle tatoo on her ankle which I could see under her nylons. She wasked me if I was alright and needed pain medication. I gratefully declined and asked her what went on this morning. She told me she would get ahold of Doctor Hughs. he will explain it to me. I just nodded my head.

Ninety minutes later Doctor Hughs and Jenn walked into my room. After a gentle hug and greetings,Doctor Hughs preceeded to tell me what was actually going on with my body. For fuck sake I was 23 years old I did not need this shit to happen to me. Hadn't I been to hell and back? Shit!!!!

DR HUGHS: " Mellissa, I understand you are wondering what was going on and what your body is doing to you?" I nodded. " Well basically your body is having a fight with in itself to maintain electrical impulses to your muscles and your brain(simple terms). The problem is we do not know why or how but your body is fighting." I started to cry. jenn held my hand. He proceed to tell me tat he was a neurologist and mainly looked after MS clients and I was now going to be looked after by him. I was to undergo more tests and tests and more tests to figure out the extent of this. He left 2 hours later and jenn and I talked.

Jenn: " My God Girl, I cannot leave you alone it seems without something going on in your life."

Me: " yes, looks that way girlfreind. Shit, I cannot understand this." I told her how I ended up here and what happened at home, she told me that she saw the table and the wall where my handprints were and the disaray of the phone table. The EMT'S left a bit of a mess. She said she cleaned it up. She got worried whehn the hospital called her at work. I apologized too her profusely. She told me not to worry about it. She asked me if there was anyone I needed to contact. I nodded my head in the negative. She left and I went to sleep.

The next 5 days I was given a multitude of tests, I was a wreck to say the least. I was diagnosed with Remittant MS, which means I will have bouts of fatigue, dizzyness and bouts of vision loss. I was given meds to assist me in dealing with them, Copaxone along with vitamins. My HRT was also changed to a lower doseage. I was realeased several days after that. Over the course of the fall and winter and the following several months I deveoped a attitude in how I dealt with this. I attended my University classes and pounced on them with a vengeance. Talk about a double whammy. That christmas I was having a quiet dinner by myself, I started shaking veery violently. I knocked alot of things over I was later told and I ended up back in the hospital and was hit by the realization I had Epilepsy. I knew I had tremmors etc. I never expected this to happen to me twice in a few short konths. Again I was given Medication to assist in the Seizures. They never worked what they were supposed to do. I was taken off on after a nother. and given a medication called DILANTIN. This med has assisted in maintaining my seizures within limits. I still have seizures and some are very violent( I have been told). I was once again comforted by Jenn and she was obviously filled in on what had happened to me.

I was shaken to the core twice in a few short months. Fuck, my life was hell. What was going on with me? Was this punishment for something? Or maybe more punishment. Fuck I had no idea. I later found out I had the Epilepsy since I was a little kid. I really started hating my life once again and becomming more and more depressed. I channeked my energies into school and trying to talk about this to Jenn and those that would listen to me. I wrote a little peice of prose that kinda summed up how I felt. It is caled the BURDEN:

MY BURDEN

MY BURDEN WAS TO BE BORN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO TRY AND LIVE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO ACCEPT MY FATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO ESCAPE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO RUN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO HATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO DEGRADE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TO TRY AND LOVE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN WAS TO WONDER WHY? ….

MY BURDE WAS TO DISTRUST GOD….

MY BURDEN IS TO FEAR MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TRYING TO CARE FOR ME….

MY BURDEN IS TO GROW OLD….

MY BURDEN IS TO BE ALONE….

MY BURDEN IS TO DIE….

MY BURDEN ALONE AND NO OTHER…. END OF DISCUSSION!!.

Mellissa N Copyright 1987 (prairie_girl_64)

The weeks progressed nto months and eventually turned into years and my MS gradually increased upon my life as well as my Epilepsy. I was so shaken and shaken to the core. I was so scared. I looked at this as a continuation of the personal hell I was to endure in my life. I began to feel like I was a total burden on those arround me. I began to feel that I was just that burden. To Jenn, to those I met and talked too at university, to work, too those I met at the bus stop each morning. Yes I felt self pity. For the first time in my life I felt like a failure. My life was turning to shit and I was being dragged into the pile. I was so emotional. I was so scared. I was so pissed off. yes I almost ended there and then. I didn't. I came to realize after many long aruous chats with Jenn and those arround me that I had some kind of purpose. I dated yes, however none panned out. I was kinda glad of that tho.

I still have bouts of depression today over my place in this world and if I truely am a burden to those arround me. I guess I will never know for sure. I often think of how my life has changed so dramatically and drastically over the course of my life. That in the early part of 1992 I would face my most schallenging and most scary event in my life 8 months later in october of that year. I would be on a downward spiral. This event would test me to the limits and send my to extreme thoughts and depression. That Event would be with JASON. I would dub him my hell on earth experience since my "father". And I ma being extremely kind here. Hell on earth does not and will not express my thoughts and feelings here. Damn I hate my life..........

TO BE CONTINUED.

POINTS TO IMPROVE ON ARE WELCOME AS WELL AS COMMENTS. thanks very much for your support.