Christmas was drawing near, and I was experiencing a blue as well as a bright Christmas. I missed my brothers and my Dad a fair amount, and it was my first Christmas without my mother who I miss every day. Like Grandma Grace, she is treasured, and I want to share so much with her. People keep reminding me she's there in my heart, ‘like I could forget’. But I wonder why I haven’t seen my Mom like I have Grandma Grace or sense her presence. I wonder if it means Mom is upset with me. Maybe she wasn’t accepting of my change as I thought. Everyone is happy and I don’t want to depress them with my problems.

I am so lucky to have Pop Pop here and being in the Storm family that’s enormous in my life but the swing between the blue of depression and the moments of joy I experience hurts. Mom Storm says it’s going to be a little extra special of a Christmas for me because it’s my first in their family. I will meet some cousins I haven’t met yet.

I know, I saw most of them at Amanda’s wedding, but they weren’t cousins then. I'm looking forward to making friends with Kayla and Renae. They’re both close to my age. Marcy tells me, “You’ll probably like meeting your cousin Trevor, especially if his friend stops over at Grandma Storm’s.” Marcy tells me, “Steve (Hart) is no special jock, but he’s a great guy. He’s taken with Faith, but she’s taken not interested in him.”

“What’s wrong with him that Faith’s not taken with him,” I asked?

Marcy giggled, “It’s mostly Trevor; he teases her too much and she has trouble liking his friends. But Faith is also taken more with sports guys.”

“So are you saying he’s a geek?”

Marcy smiles, “Smart yes but no geek. He loves computers I’m told, but not so tied to them. Faith’s friend Josie says he’s outgoing and into a lot of things.”

It was the last day of school before the Semester-Winter-Holiday break. Johnny had invited me to the dance tonight, but now is skipping out. His family is having an early Christmas away with his married sister’s family. He didn’t have the nerve to tell me until just now when he kissed me and dropped me off at home.

I ran into the house slamming the door behind me and I’m running to Pop Pop’s room when I see Trevor just quick enough to avoid running into him. Instead, I run into another guy with my books flying or falling to the floor. The guy and I became tied together as we fall. “Dam-it, this is not my day,” I yell! It was really a good day until the last few minutes. “I’m sorry but please get your paws off of me!”

I had a nice outfit on, but it might as well have been a mini-dress for all that was showing. I rolled off this guy and his eyes were glued to the edge of my skirt and all he could see. True enough, the top of my legs couldn’t have been but eight inches below his eyes. “What are your eyes glued on? Do you mind looking elsewhere?”

He leaned his head back and fixed his gaze on my eyes though he had to look up over my blouse. Mom comes into the living room, “What’s going on in here? Brianna was that you racing in here and slamming the door?” The guy offers to help me up as he rises.

I know none of it was his fault, but it was like someone was going to get my anger and he was in the path of the lightning. I am still upset as I shake my arms out of his hands. Mom is upset with me, “Bri, I don’t know what is up, but you apologize and get yourself together right now.” She wanted to yell but she didn’t.

I quickly gave an insincere apology. “I’m sorry Mom but it wasn’t my fault. Johnny just told me as he dropped me off he’s going out of town and not taking me to the dance!” I lifted my skirt, knowing I ruined a good pair of pantyhose that I put on new this morning. “Look at this Mom, I just ruined this.”

“Young lady, push your skirt down. You are no longer a little girl who can show herself like that.”

Trevor snickered, “Don’t worry Aunt Ruth, Steve and I don’t mind the slightest. We would have seen more if she was wearing a swimsuit.”

I'm used to a house of women except for Pop Pop who should be in his apartment and Dad who wasn’t home. This is such a reversal of the house I grew up in of all boys and men, other than my mom. “Mom, can I be excused. I want to go to Grandpa and get some sympathy and blow off some steam.”

“I’m not sure your Pop Pop can handle it if you explode with him as you have here?” Mom stares at me waiting for me to calm down and to look at her.

“First say hello to your cousin Trevor and introduce yourself to his friend. Please be nice about it,” Mom says.

The guy finally dares to speak again, “Hi, I’m Steve one of Trevor’s friends that live on this side of the Raleigh-Durham area. Trevor said you’re said to be quite spirited, very open, and up-front. I doubt this is quite what he meant, but I like what I’ve seen.” Mom and I both pause and look at him. “I didn’t mean that the way you might be thinking.”

I relax as I’m not the one now embarrassed. I look to Trevor, “I thought you were going to be over at Grandma Storm’s?”

“We’ve already settled in there and we came over to find out about the dance. Steve said there was one here but he didn’t know if outside guys would be welcome.”

“It depends if you go with someone you’d be more than welcome. If you two go alone, as long as you don’t ask to dance with someone’s girlfriend, you should be alright. Lacy, Sally, and I usually go to the dance together and dance with our guys. But tonight only Lacy’s boyfriend will be there. Sally is between boyfriends and you just heard about me. You could go with us but I’m not dancing with my cousin, even if we’re not blood-related.”

“Is that Sally Mohr, Lacy’s friend? I’d be more than comfortable being with her. I just hope Faith hasn’t poisoned her against me. And Steve was hoping to meet you anyway.” I looked at Steve, remembering what Marcy had said and finding myself liking what I was seeing.

I enjoyed going to the dance with Steve. He wasn't pushy or expecting anything special. I could believe how much of a girl I am tonight. During the first slow dance, I already knew he brushed his teeth and used deodorant. I wasn't pushing for a kiss, but it does take away the fun of a kiss if a guy has bad breath.

Tonight it was my chance to brush out my Mom’s hair and to do her nails. Mom looks very pretty for her early forties which she was amused about when I said it wrong. I guess her newly married daughter telling her she would be a grandmother next June had something to do with her being sensitive to being older.

I knew Mandy planned to be married several years before she got pregnant, but I guess she trusted Richard’s protection was enough. Mandy told Mom, “At least I graduated from college before I got married and had my baby.” Brushing Mom’s hair was like therapy. I could feel her relaxing. It was actually nice to be there for her in a small way.

But as I was doing Mom’s nails I realized she now had me confiding in her. She was happy that Carrie had called me though I wasn't home at the time. With Marcy’s prodding, I had called her back; I love talking to Carrie but I always fear I am bothering her. I even began to talk about my Mother which I tended to do only with Marcy. But there were things only my two Moms had talked about. Plus Mom now could speak to me about my first mother having been sick, wondering how she felt about me.

She told me about another time my mother knew I had been in her clothes. My mother realized I had rolled up one of her skirts pretending I had pretty legs and was another teen girl. Not only had I wrinkled the heck out of her skirt; she saw I had shaved my legs. I didn’t have enough hair on my legs to worry about. My mother used a scented shave cream for herself and she knew every time I shaved my legs the past winter. “Did you notice, I bought you the same shave cream to use here?”

‘I noticed but I thought it was just a coincidence. It was a help knowing my Mother knew more about me. But why didn’t she tell me she knew?’

It was ten days before Christmas when I wrote on a Christmas card to send to my Father. I now think of him as Dad to Brice. My father called me when he got the card and though we had trouble visiting we both were glad about the card and that we were talking. Mom Storm reminds me, he will always be my father. I acknowledge to her while I was hurt that he didn’t embrace me as Brice we both loved each other. I think she’s right that someday I will feel and remember the love more than the hurt. I appreciate that she doesn’t press me to get there right away.

Mom, Marcy, and sometimes Dad Storm are there for me allowing me to express what’s on my heart. I was able to keep my Christmas gifts for others over at Mandy and Richard’s place. Thus it is where I went to wrap many of them with Mandy’s help.

I have picked up some things as a girl, but until Mandy helped me, I was mostly thumbs when it came to wrapping and decorating gifts. I remember the curly cues my Mother had tied on Christmas gifts. She had even taught me how to do them but this year it was escaping me like my mother’s closeness. Learning to do it again and hearing Silent Night seemed to bring me closer to feeling her presence.

A few times I would think of her as I tried to sleep and the closer she felt, my eyes would fill with tears. The nights Marcy was home, she more than once knelt next to my bed in the darkness of the room. “It’s good to feel her close to your heart, doesn’t it,” she would say?

“But I begin to tear and when I do. I don’t like that” I tell her.

“Yes that’s called emotions and I guess Brianna would rather be the boy Brice and not acknowledge them.” I appreciate Marcy so much, she says things in a way I know I’m heard and yet in a way that I better understand.

“Marcy, you have a mean side that suggests that.” She lightly giggled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

It was a rare winter storm that blew in a cold front and a half foot of snow followed within hours. It gave me enough time to get outside and to build a snowman. I didn’t need a white Christmas but I had been longing for a winter storm. The whole region stopped or should have. Two families of friends I knew had accidents sliding on the slick roads. I was for once glad I wasn’t driving yet. I did slip and fall in the wet snow. I didn’t remember noticing wet panties as I did now.

The worst part was Devon, a boy from school drove up and I wasn’t able to rush back in the house to change. He said he needed a girl’s help in picking a gift for his Mom and younger sister Karen, who was in my grade. She and I were friends though not too close. Our connection was she said her brother liked me. I then had set out to know him. He was rather cute in a handsome sort of way.

I wanted to go in and change but he insisted he only had time for me to ask permission and go with him. Mom was no help, quickly permitting me to go. “Make sure you call if you’re going to be later than five.” It wasn’t yet noon, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem.

I knew what Karen looked like and could reasonably guess her sizes. Devon told me she was either a six or a size ten. I then knew it had to be a size six. He wasn’t sure about his Mom’s size, hair color, or complexion. I borrowed his phone to search for pictures of his Mom of which he had three. There was one of his mother and sister together and it helped a whole lot in figuring things out.

We were searching through the mall for over an hour. He was jumping from one idea to another when I mentioned, “It would have been nice if they had given you a list of what they wanted for sure.”

I was amused when he reached into his shirt pocket and produces lists from each of them as well as his mother’s suggestions for a grandmother. I knew Karen’s colors as well as her taste in clothes so it wasn’t hard to come up with an outfit she’d like. Devon told me, “She expects me to get a pair of designer jeans even though she’ll take them back and exchange them.” He went out on a limb, chose between two outfits, and bought one – a top and a pretty skirt. He bought a cute running top for his mother and I talked him into splurging for a 4th Gen MP3 MP4 Player FM Radio Video Music Player and to nestle it into the top’s pouch.

His mother had suggested a case for her grandmother to store quilts in. I had seen a wood craftsman in the mall and was sure he had quilt racks. The craftsman wasn’t happy and Devon wasn’t sure about the idea. The way Devon describes his grandmother having three quilts piled on a chair; I was sure it was something she didn’t have.

The craftsman had nice furniture and it wasn’t badly priced. The only problem I saw was he had too many items displayed that it looked like he hadn’t sold any. He laughed at my idea that he needed to sell something. “If you sell Devon that three rail quilt rack at a reasonable price, I’ll buy the padded footrest for by Pop Pop.”

It was fun as for once, I would have enough money to spend for Christmas. It wasn’t a lot but for me, it was significantly more. The man sold us at a reasonable price what we were wanting to buy.

I was very, very happy when Devon’s Mom was pleased with the quilt rack Devon bought and she assured him that his sister would be tickled to receive the outfit he had bought her. She even said we had gotten the right size and colors for her. As a reward for helping Devon in his shopping, Mrs. Hill invited me to stay for dinner and Karen soon asked if I could stay overnight. I confided with Mrs. Hill, “I had fallen in the snow earlier and my bottom has not been dry all day.”

She said, “How about a compromise as Karen doesn’t often have friends over. We will keep your Grandfather’s present safe here for you until Christmas Eve and Devon will give you a ride home to pick up the clothes you need for a comfortable stay over.” She smiles, “Is that okay with you?”

I knew my parents would be happy that I was making new friends. I’m sure Faith would vouch for Devon and Karen being good people to be with. I called Mom and I was right. I was glad that she insisted I be home by noon. She reminded me I had promised to take Pop Pop Christmas shopping.

When I got home to get my clothes, Marcy joked, “That was convenient a new friend invites you over and she happens to be the sister of a new boyfriend.”

“He’s not a new boyfriend yet. I don’t think I will mind if he becomes one.” I told her about my buns and panty being damp all day.

“I guess being used to the cold did not include a wet panty? That is when having a dry liner handy wouldn’t have hurt.” I lift a panty liner out of my purse, I was not fully thinking like a regular girl. She hugged me, “You are doing super Sis.”

I told her about the leg stool I had gotten Grandpa Will. She smiled, “I’d be happy to go in on half of it for his Christmas present.” I wanted to do it by myself, but I happily agreed. I am so thankful that they, before me, adopted Pop Pop as their grandfather. Marcy followed me downstairs, checking out Devon before I left. “You better be nice to my sister,” she warned Devon. He was amused and said he would.

Faith threw me my stuffed kitty, “You better take this to keep warm. Devon, Mittens is her security blanket so don’t tease her.”

Devon simply says goodbye to my parents and Grandpa. Pop invites him to call him Will. It was the first time I remember him doing that since he lived with us in New Jersey. I leaned over to Devon when he got into the car to take me back to his home. I kissed him on the cheek, “Thank you for being so sweet.”

“You know your sisters just saw you kiss me.”

“Yes, I know good and well, but it was solely for you,” I said. I tried to snuggle up to him with the seatbelt fastened behind me.

“If you don’t want to get on my Mom’s bad side; you better fasten yourself in the seatbelt. My Mom’s a stickler on that,” he tells me. Parking the car off the far side of the garage allowed Devon the privacy to give me a warm hug and kiss. “Thanks so much for helping me today, you’ve helped to make it a special Christmas. I hope you will allow me to take you to church if you go on Christmas Eve and that you’ll come over to our house during the holidays?”

I had already hoped he would think of something like that, but I had not expected him to ask already. “Won’t your girlfriend be angry,” I ask.

“I don’t have one, but I’m hoping too before Christmas.” With that, he kisses me, “I’d like you to be my girlfriend, but it might be good to wait until tomorrow to tell our folks.”

‘I really wasn’t planning or wanting a boyfriend right yet, but it feels alright to change my mind.’

When we went into the house I must have been glowing or smiling with a goofy smile. Karen quickly said, “You didn’t already ask her to be your girlfriend, did you?” Without a chance to answer she said, “We hoped she would be but you could have waited until tomorrow?”

“He only asked if we could go to the Christmas Eve service together,” I said.

His Mom was surprised, “That’s a first and something no other girl got him to do.”

“I didn’t, he asked if he could go with me,” I said. I was impressed.

His dad spoke, “Maybe now the other girls will let him concentrate on basketball.”

That made me think of Johnny who enjoyed basketball more than football. It could make it awkward being around the team with Johnny there. I had liked Johnny a lot but we had become mostly friends. I felt bad and hoped Johnny wouldn’t be hurt or angry with me.

I text Sandy before I went to sleep. We would have chatted but I needed to visit with Karen. Karen knew I was upset about something. We got up and went and talked to her Mom. “Mrs. Hill, you might be the wrong one to confide in, I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on being a girlfriend and I’m afraid it might hurt another guy’s feeling when he finds out.”

Mrs. Hill said, “You can call me Bev if you will. Regarding hurting a boy’s feelings, you better get used to it. I suspect in time you’ll break a lot of boys’ hearts. Along with being pretty, Karen says you are liked by many of the boys.”

Karen spoke up, “Most of the boys in our grade are hurt because you usually date upperclassmen.”

When we went back to Karen’s room we stayed up and visited until 3:00 in the morning. Karen was happy that she saw my breasts were normal and that I actually wasn’t the prettiest girl in our grade. “Karen, do you know how beautiful you are,” I asked?

“I wasn’t fishing for a compliment,” she said.

“I knew that, but being around Carrie Underwood. I’ve come to understand many of us discount ourselves. Some of us think you see yourself as Devon’s little sister too much. And you complimenting others so often, kind of discounts you. You’re pretty like your Mom and you are as likable as your brother. We wouldn’t want you to become conceited, but you are neat in your own right.”

After breakfast, I was wanting to go home, even though I also wanted to be around Devon. He had a morning basketball practice and I went home before he came back to his house.

Pop Pop wasn’t comfortable driving in the holiday traffic but he did well getting to and from the mall. I held onto Pop’s arm most of the places we went. It wasn’t always easy walking that slowly, but I enjoyed being with him. He wanted to spoil me for Christmas and he would. But it was Mandy and Richard’s first Christmas together and Pop Pop’s first Christmas in a home where he could stay with family. It was the first I learned he felt guilty loving this family.

My mother had gotten upset once with Pop-Pop and that was why he had moved to Florida. Mom’s reaction was really about a problem she had with her own dad. But it had caused Pop Pop to live away from us. Mom had pushed me to come to the Storm’s with Pop Pop for the wedding. She had felt bad because he and I had been very close.

I don’t know if I was just old enough to understand and be there for my grandfather or if I as Brianna was a better listener. I know as Brianna I am more comfortable with my feelings and not afraid to give him hugs. As Brice, I often stayed a distance from Pop Pop when he came back to our home. I had been so afraid of crying around him; afraid he would leave early.

Pop Pop has changed too, he is no longer unwilling to remember and talk about Grandma Grace with me. Sadly, he doesn’t have a lot of pictures of her. He wouldn’t say if his woman friends got rid of any of the pictures. He just said he wasn’t able to find them when he emptied his apartment in Florida.

Several times since he’s been back; I’ve needed to assure him I love being Brianna, and it wasn’t something he caused me to become. I don’t think the New York doctors or those here would have allowed the change to take place if they thought that.

Buying gifts didn’t take very long. It was our visit that took up most of the time. I had taken the gifts out to the car and we had lunch at one of the restaurants attached to the mall. “Pop Pop don’t you think it is weird that it’s just a half year and I have a boyfriend?”

Pop said, “Since the first time here that you mentioned your Grandmother, I’ve been seeing you as her granddaughter. I haven’t felt like I do about you since your Aunt Betty was in high school. I am sorry if you want me to think of you as Brice. …The only thing I could think of the other night when your friend Devon wrapped his arm around your waist was? She’s so beautiful and I like that boy for her.”

“I don’t want you two to date forever as I want both of you to go to college. But if you would come back together when you’re old enough and have your education; I wouldn’t be sorry if you two married.”

“Pop-Pop, you didn’t.” I became quiet, I couldn’t believe it. I just pictured myself as a bride and was sad because I wanted a better look at the bridal gown….

This year I will be tickled with my gifts as I can’t wait to twirl as I hold up a dress or something pretty. But it is the intangible things like my family, Pop-Pop, yes Devon, but especially Pop Pop, Marcy, Mom, and Lacy…

To be continued…