I’ve come to enjoy the young teenage girl I am and now there are even better reports: like my body is producing more of its own estrogen that supplements have been reduced. If they hold or get better it would mean my own body is making a normal amount of female hormones on their own. The disappointment is that I will still need to adopt to have children. It is strange to think of another boy making love to me, but it is becoming more and more a pleasant thought. Even the wish to have a baby feels natural.

Marcy has a new guy friend, she says he is not a boyfriend but I think he actually has a better chemistry with her. It is funny as Mack is a singer and Marcy and her best friend Deb are mentoring him as they’re becoming a musical trio. Mack has ability and gifts, but they need refining and development. They play in coffee huts and book nooks where someone might enjoy real quality music. I can’t say I am an old long hair fan of classical styles. It is really neat because it is more complicated and many can’t do it.

I am ten days away from singing at the Garden State Art Center up in Jersey. I had sent a practice disc to Carrie thinking she would be impressed. Jeanette sent me a hurried note back, “Get back to being you, Carrie doesn’t want you as an echo of her.” I now try to sing and imagine when Carrie would smile at me for being me. She sent me a sample of her rehearsing for “Sound of Music”. If it’s possible for me to be prouder of her I definitely am.

I asked to hear a complete disc of a song but Jeanette says, “No can do. Pirating of songs is so prevalent, they can’t take that risk.” Even when I get a practice disc I often need to sign for it to make sure it is in my hands.

The New Jersey concerts will be the last of my performing with Carrie for now. It is kind of sad and yet good. Carrie has a whole career she continues with. I would have to decide to become a performer if I continued. Carrie says I will always be a friend as well as on that board for single mothers. She tells me, “You might sing with me again sometime, but live your life and don’t hold your breath. I look forward to having you as a friend for a long time.”

Being in New Jersey with Carrie will be a big deal; it is like going home for Brice, the guy before becoming a bridesmaid. The hardest part isn’t even in seeing my dad and brothers. It will be Mom not being there. I hope she would be happy with me singing and being Brianna? I am lucky to have my new family and I know I am a Storm. I miss that Pop Pop will not be there.

Chad has become my boyfriend and I enjoy what he does to my body when he is around. He doesn’t have to touch me to do it, it just happens. I won’t say he hasn’t touched me but I haven’t let him get too far. Touching him is no longer disturbing, the idea used to send mixed feelings no more. The first time I pushed my hand into his pocket and surprised him. I thought it was funny when I got him to cream himself. I sent him home without saying goodbye to my parents. Marcy understood and we had a good laugh together.

Marcy told me, “Bri, you don’t have to do something for Chad to remember or like you.

Marcy helps me rehearse by accompanying me; she plays hitting different keys and with changes of tempo. Sandy even came over so I could practice with a baby crying. The hard part was we had to wait for Rose to get tired before she would act up. We all enjoyed her cooing, smiles along with visiting with Sandy.

Lacy and I enjoy double dating but Lacy enjoys dating around more than I do. Unfortunately, I might have gotten used to it. Chad was a jerk and just as I was getting ready to leave. It was yucky, worse than my monthly visitor which could happen as well.

Adding insult to injury, I have a major paper due while I am gone as well as my homework. Being part of a Charter School their expectations of students is a bit higher than I am used to. I will have a tutor at the concert but she won’t do the paper for me. She will insist on my studying and she’ll help me send it in. I wish singing was a sport and I went to a dumb jock school. Mom laughed at that idea, but all it did was to get her to tell the tutor “No way.”

We flew from Raleigh-Durham to New York City; I had the one-morning show and an afternoon program I needed to appear on. They said it was publicity to help sell tickets for the concerts; I hoped it wouldn’t scare people away. I had to sing one song each time with a recording of Carrie. It is not easy doing it with a recording. Luckily I practiced once and the program people knew to allow Marcy to signal me to begin to sing.

Marcy, Faith and I got some three hours to shop in the city and decided to shop the Fifth Avenue stores that we would not get to shop again. Trying on clothes is as much fun as anything, but not all stores seemed happy to have us come in. There were two shops where the salespeople went out of their way to be friendly and treat us well. I had decided to splurge and spend up to $800 dollars; sharing that with my sisters.

When I bought my skirt and blouse for over two hundred dollars it was not a big deal to the store but the salesgirl realized it was to me. Since Marcy and Faith both bought their stuff there, Jennifer our salesgirl was willing to sell me a special pair of panties for twenty-five dollars. She is right; they are special so I bought a pair for each of my sisters as well. That became extra expensive as Marcy reminded me I have a married sister, as well as my Mom.

Some people thought I was crazy getting five pairs of panties. The funny part I shared our big buy with Jeanette. When I talked to my dad and brothers I knew it was nothing to share. My Dad and brothers would be coming to the first concert and we would visit for breakfast.

I talk to my Dad once or twice a month, but this is the first time since I’m really a girl that they will see me. Dad is genuinely happy but kinda scared to hug me or kiss me even on the cheek. He does and during our visit, he’s getting more comfortable and enjoying our visits. Dan tells me, “Dad has been practicing the piano hoping he could play once when you sing.” I paused in surprise as it wasn’t until I was a teenager that I knew he could play at all. Dan tells me he is really good.

My oldest brother said, “Dad stuffed a lot of neat stuff inside when he became a dad.”

It shouldn’t have surprised me that he could play the piano and play it well; Grandma Grace was a great pianist and taught it as well. Dad didn’t quite select the best song for me, but says, “Your mother loved Andy Williams and Moon River.” It was neat to sing along with Dad at the piano. It was a healing moment as both of us; we were moved and touched at one time or another.

The first night of the concerts at the Garden State Art Center is electric. We know there are critics waiting to see how Carrie sings and performs with a New Jersey/New York audience. Some want her to flop, but they will be disappointed. Her fans are very present and with their help, she quickly wins the rest of the crowd over. She sings two songs from her time on American Idol which shows some breath to her music. Most of the songs are her hits, but she has chosen some songs of faith and classic ballads.

When she calls me up, the crowd delights me with applause. Carrie giggles, “You are starting to sound more like you are from the Carolinas.”

“I can say ‘Yous guys’ with the best of them. I like Springsteen, Whitney, Bonjovi, Frankie Valli, but there is something about Carrie and country that also rings for me.” Carrie’s accompaniment starts into Casanova Cowboy and I am in for the ride which we follow with Jesus take the Wheel and finally How Great Thou Art.

I didn’t realize we’re at intermission time when Carrie asks me to wait on stage and sing one more song as she introduces my dad as Uncle Charles. Needless to say, I sing Moon River and the audience was very nice in joining in with me as I suggested.

Near the end of the song, I see Pop Pop waiting for me as I walk off of the stage. The following two concerts along with singing with Carrie, I get to sing a medley of songs with Marcy accompanying me before Carrie comes back after intermission. I have a great time with Lacy and my sisters away from the concert. My now my cousins/brothers are happy for me, but I can tell they are uncomfortable with who I am. It kind of makes moving on easier.

I was surprised as I got called out to sign some pictures as well as a number of the programs after each concert. Some guys would even hit on me at the hotel, wanting a date, my phone number or to email me. There was at least one boy each night, who wanted to sit and visit with me or talk to me about problems with their girlfriends. I kind of wished I had more experience at being a girl, maybe then I would know what to say. Some of those boys said things I thought when I was Brice.

Mom Storm is right as my period came full force before the last concert was to begin. As a bit of humor, I was given a little purple heart-shaped pendant before I go on stage by Jeanette. The whole day is filled with many images flooding in on me. I’m thinking of my Mother and Grandmother and it isn’t easy to concentrate. I told Jeanette, “I’m not sure I can sing.” But Carrie still called me up and squeezed my hand as the music begins. Music is like therapy and the times I’ve practiced paid off and had given me enough confidence I could sing and make it through. “Jesus Take the Wheel” is like a prayer and anthem. I saw a young Mom and focused as I sang to her. She and I had talked before I went on stage and I knew she was comfortable with me focusing on her.

I got sassy with Casanova Cowboy, liking the feeling of being a girl not to be messed with. Carrie carried the song as we both went into the audience and picked on some guys. It was well received.

Carrie and I were singing our last song together and there’s a light on the woman next to Pop Pop. She is in my seat and I’m confused. Her clothes are not right; they’re old. She’s whispering to me but I can’t hear her or read her lips. The light shining on her dims and then she’s not there. Carrie gives me a hug as I’m to leave the stage, “Who was that woman with your Grandfather; she’s very proud of you?” I was glad Carrie saw her too.

When I got to my seat and asked Pop Pop; he told me he had not seen anyone. After the concert, I described to my Pop Pop and Carrie said she heard the woman from the stage. Pop drew out his handkerchief. “She told you she was very proud of you, didn’t she,” Pop asked? “It was a woman behind me and she sounded so much like your Grandmother I couldn’t turn around. She tapped me earlier on the shoulder and said, ‘I love Brianna so much; would you tell her that for me?’”

I fainted and had to lie down in Carrie’s dressing room until people were sure I was all right. I was glad Mom Storm was there. She, Marcy and Pop Pop all thought I should accept it as a mystery that meant my Grandmother knows about me. That and the news that Pop Pop was already moving back to be with us in North Carolina gave me warm feelings inside.

It wasn’t easy knowing I wouldn’t be singing with Carrie, but she and Jeanette said they’d see me in the spring. A concert was already scheduled for Duke University.

Dad was at the Concert and came to an after-concert party along with Pop. Dad gave me a small box that held some of my Mom’s jewelry and a few pictures of her and me. My Dad left early and we would not see each other for breakfast as planned. Grandpa said, “You look too much like your mother when she was your age in high school. Your Dad, like you, is still grieving; I hope you can appreciate that.”

I was handed a note, it was from Dr. Canfield, “Thanks for the tickets, we enjoyed seeing Carrie in Concert. We were taken with how you sang and how you are already an attractive young woman.” Jeanette told me Dr. Canfield said…

I got pulled away and was very angry but it was a newspaper reporter from where I use to live. She wanted a picture of me and to talk to me. “I kind of know your story, but it’s too unbelievable. There is too much information that does not exist. Please know I won’t tell about you. I just want to celebrate with you where you are.” My interview became a paragraph in a larger review of Carrie’s performance and an area girl who got to sing with her.

I got to swim in the ocean Monday morning before we headed home in a limousine. All the family enjoyed a chance to ride and talk. It was unusual for Dad Storm. I snuggled in his arms and slept much of the way home. Marcy told me I still talked much about the trip but it didn’t always make sense.

Monica, a new friend at school, asked me, “If it’s true that you broke up with Chad? I want to ask if you’re open to a double date Lance Rodgers.” I know Lance is a junior. He’s in my German class; it’s the second foreign language he is taking. He’s also in the drama club and chorus.

She’s looking for me at lunch and this time Lance is with her. He said hello in German and I didn’t respond except to say “Hi.” But I made up for it when he asked me for a date. “Ja, ich werde mit dir ausgehen.” Yes, I will go out with you. He smiled as Monica wanted to be sure I said yes.

He sat across from me and I was taken by his dark eyes. Since we had German after lunch, he asked if I would walk with him to class. We stopped by my locker so I could get what I needed for afternoon classes. Lance is a good looking guy at five foot eleven inches. He tells me, he’s a good runner. We both run cross-country and I missed a major conference meet as I was gone to Jersey. No one missed me as I am not good enough to figure in with the top girl runners. Lance makes a comment that tells me he has been watching me. “You know Brianna, if you wouldn’t hold your arms so high and stiff you’d be more relaxed and not tire so much during the race.”

“Do you say something like that to all the girls you date,” I asked?

“No, but as you see I’m not great in talking to girls. I only have brothers but you wouldn’t understand that.” I smiled as he didn’t know how much I, in fact, did understand. I hadn’t really dated as Brice; partly because I got tongue twisted when I tried to ask girls out.

“You could come over and help me with German, especially on a weekend. Then you’d be immersed in girl talk.”

Lance responded, “Is that an invitation? I’d like being friends and then date as we’d like to do something together.” After class Lance said, “I’d be happy to give you a ride home after school and that includes Lace if you want.”

Lance walked in the other direction before I answered. I said, “Yes”, I’m not sure he heard. Lacy was in my next class and excited about my news. She said, “He’ll wait to see if we come out toward the student’s parking lot.”

I asked, “How can you be so sure?” She smiled, “I have two cousins who would be happy to give you a ride home. Most of the sophomore and junior boys without a girlfriend know about this new girl.”

“So do you think Lance just wants to be one who dates me?”

Garner is a really good academic school and missing a few days means extra studying to do. The tutor helped, but two teachers tacked on more for added measure. American history is a bit different being in North Carolina. Even the American Revolution and independence are looked at differently. I’m not planning to get into arguments, but I might have some problems in the class. Mom already told me, Mr. Henderson was not a good draw of teachers for me.

Lance wasn’t sure what I said about the ride, but he was looking for us and happy to give us both a lift. First, we had a cross-country meet here before getting home. Lace is the good runner of the two of us and she figures to count as one of the runners for the girls’ team. I’ll pay for it tomorrow but I decide to break my routine and I’ll try to stay with Lace as long as possible. Since I’ll run behind Lacy I don’t tell her what I’m doing.

Once the race begins I relax my arms as Lance told me and take longer strides as coach has been telling me. Come half way I am less than ten yards behind Lace. I decide to keep my pace the next half mile. Usually, I’ve been slowing down around this time. My throat is dry, my lungs burn and my legs are getting heavy. But I ran through a wall and have gotten my second wind. There is a quarter mile left when I hear Lance cheering me. I’m sure I’m out of competition for placing but he is now personal. The time as I cross the finish line is two minutes faster than my best. Coach Janet cheers me as I’ve surprised her and being later in the season she’s thinking of next year as well.

Lance is there as well and holds me up encouraging me to walk before I sit down to rest. I know he’s right but I don’t want too. Finally, he needs to go and I can’t go any further. I flop down next to Lace. She finished ahead of me but looks better. She said she place fourth which is really good. But it also means I wasn’t that far from our fifth-place runner. Lace is really happy about my time and teases me, “Did Lance give you the incentive to run?”

The guys’ run after us and suddenly I know I’m rooting for Lance. I’ve recovered enough to walk over for the start and then took the shortcut to the halfway point with Lace. Lacy tells me, “Lance is ahead of his normal pace. It looks like you two are good for each other. Let’s hope late nights don’t rob either of you of your juices.”

“Quit that Lace,” I snap.

“Tell me you haven’t entertained the idea and I will,” she says looking to me for a reply. “I thought so, I hope you don’t mind be a red-blooded southern belle.”

We are back to the finish line and Lacy tells me, “Go walk down two hundred meters and make sure you encourage him to finish strongly. Let him know if he can catch the runner in front of him and tell him about runners behind him.”

Lance came into view running even with a teammate and another runner in a dead heat. “You two get running both of you need to place as best you can!” I want to encourage Lance, “Finish strong so I can give mouth to mouth.” Lance chuckled and then sped up two notches. Lance beat Greg by three strides as
Greg was only one stride ahead of the other guy.

I walked with Lance not realizing he wanted to hug me with his sweaty body. This afternoon I didn’t mind. We were walking to the country clubs locker rooms when I notice Pop Pop heading for the parking lot. Sorry, Lance, my Pop Pop’s over there and I didn’t even know he came to see me.

I ran and Lacy saw me and then my Grandpa. “Pop Pop, I didn’t know you were here. When did you come?”

“Chad and I came together. He was hoping to get back into your good graces,” he told me.

“I’m sorry Pop Pop, I didn’t mean to hurt him or ignore you. Why didn’t you let me know?” Lacy was now there and felt for the predicament. “I was just asked out by Lance today. Pop Pop do you believe in love at first sight?”

Pop Pop has a way of disarming things with humor, “Yes, for some it happens a number of times.”

“Dah Grandpa, I know this probably isn’t forever but it’s important now.”

Pop Pop opened his arms to hug me, “I know Princess and I’m happy for you. I just wasn’t expecting to see my granddaughter jump into a boy’s arms and…” Pop Pop was blushing for me. I thought it was sweet.

“Pop Pop can we have a ride home? We need to collect our stuff. We’ll be right back.”

Pop Pop apologized on the way home, “I’m sorry I came back early and forced you to share Marcy’s room again.” It was expected that Pop Pop would move back the weekend before Thanksgiving.

“But you wouldn’t have been to the concert in New Jersey or here now. Marcy’s living in her apartment most of the time with Christine. I told you I want you here don’t you believe me?” Lace chimed in, “Grandpa G, Brianna is really proud of you, she brags on you to friends at school.”

“But I’m an old fuddy-duddy, you left your new friend because of me.”

“That’s right Pop Pop, I really like Lance and I like you even more. You are my Fuddy Duddy. Unless you want to make me cry, you better stop talking like this,” I told him. Pop Pop stopped and made Lace and me both get ice cream sundaes. He still treats me like a little kid that he has to treat special. Neither Lace nor I really want to eat a lot of ice cream especially with toppings on it. But it’s part of what I love about him; he does so many little things for me and my sisters. I know he would like to be spoiling my brothers too.

Pop Pop and I have begun doing our family trees. I write Grandma Hurley, my Mom’s mother. I know she doesn’t understand why I want to be Brianna instead of Brice. I sent her a school picture of me but she says, “I want to remember your mother’s son.” The fact Mom approved of me didn’t change her thinking. She likes me doing the family tree and has given me information, but only with the promise that I won’t try to contact any of her or my grandfather’s relatives in England.

Mom Storm was upset I started dating Lance and seemed to give up on Chad. I told her, “I haven’t given up on Chad and I didn’t mean to hurt him. It’s just that I got asked for a date with Lance.” Mom only lets me go on a date once or twice a month. I told her these are the old days, but I was reminded they’re the rules of the house.

We went to a Halloween dance and I dressed as a Hooters girl as a ballerina. I had on the hot short shorts with a tutu around it. I acted as the big boobs worked against my balance which they would have if they weren’t mostly air.

This weekend I painted the rooms in Pop Pop’s apartment. There are still things to be done but this was something I could do. He was a bit particular and complained more than I'm used to. Mom told me, “You can get upset or realize he can be demanding at times. He isn’t going to change much. This is how he is when he settles in and stays for a while.”

I was able to get out and do some shopping therapy but I had to do it without buying anything. Monica and Lace both are close friends now and it isn’t unusual to have even more friends that come over or that I do things with. It’s like I have cross-country friends, friends from the chorus, school in general as well as the youth group at church.

I was over twice this week to see Sandy and Rose and her aunt. Her parents want her to come home, but they also want to adopt Rose. I am glad that Sandy is not moving back with them. The money people have given helps them to be able to do that. I take part in things at school but many things like who sings special songs or can represent the class or the school are already decided. Mom says, “You might get more opportunities to do things the longer you are here but don’t set your hopes on it.” I said it isn’t fair and she agreed. I complained but they chose a different girl and not me.

The next weekend we move Pop Pop into his room I’m getting cramps from my monthly visitor. I felt like crap, but I helped. I was glad Pop Pop was in a good mood. Dad was happy to have Lance’s help. I like that Lance and I are friends and study partners. Chad has asked me out again, but I told him to wait until after Christmas.

Thanksgiving and fall here are different, others say it has gotten cold but 60s are very cold to me. When they talk about the colonies and giving thanks Virginia is north to many and Boston is thought to be a liberal bastion. I didn’t see me as being liberal but I guess I am in some ways. I have learned it is not good to apologize for who I am.

Up in New Jersey, the leaves have fallen but here it is still green or golden. Mom, Faith and I went horseback riding. Lance would have gone but neither Faith nor I were allowed dates as it was a time with Mom.

I heard from Carrie and Jeanette and I'm supposed to go to a Board Meeting. Mom is taking me and Sandy and Rose as well. It is a good reminder that single moms have it kind of tough, especially the first Christmas when there are fewer things. Luckily Rose doesn’t know the difference. I gave Sandy an early Christmas gift of a gift card that she could use as she wished.

Making out a Christmas wish list is much different as Brianna. My first semester in high school is going well for me as I am getting mostly B’s. Mom and Pop Pop say I need to get some A’s if I hope to get a scholarship for college.

I was hoping for a good beginning to the holidays but I got a note from the school as Thanksgiving break began and as school let out. Mom was even more furious than I was upset. It was being asked that I prove I am a girl. Mom says, “Over her dead body.” Since I probably could pass the tests I wanted to protest but do the tests anyway.

Mom says, “It is not just about you but sets a precedent for the school that anyone could be challenged. You have already been pronounced to be a girl by several doctors with exams to back it up. If you subject yourself to more tests there is nothing that says you and others won’t be made to take other tests in the future.”

I said, “But Lance and others might be worried or think that their sexuality might be called into question.”

“Lance and others should accept you as you are. Someday when you are seriously involved with someone you might decide to tell them about your past. I think that person should know.”

“I will tell you here and now; I better not hear that you felt a need to prove to Lance or anyone else that you’re a girl. I am not naïve enough to think you’ll never do anything with someone you feel in love with. It just better not be to prove you are girl enough. I would ground you in a heartbeat and be very disappointed, do we understand each other?”

“But Mom…” Faith had come into the room and she said, “Bri, Mom’s right about both boys and about responding to things. It’s not the first time and it might not be the last.”

A few hours later I called Jeanette and my Mom had already talked to her and Carrie. Jeanette asked, “Would you would put Sandy or anyone else up to be challenged if they deserved help through one of our programs? Carrie says if you would you would probably be taken off the Board or given sensitivity training at the least. We want you to listen to your mother. We expect come tomorrow you will agree wither.”

It made me think of individuals who might feel alone when someone puts them down or challenges who they are.

Lance stopped at the house that evening; he obviously was in a fight. “Chad and I got in a fight with three guys. When they commented about us we were upset, but it was about comments they made about you that they wouldn’t take back that the fight began. Neither Chad nor I really wanted them to get out without a fight.”

Faith asked, “Did you win?”

“They said they were sorry, but…”

To be continued…