Tragedy of the Spirit Part 21 DEJA VU

copyrite 2008 paririe_girl_64

Life was always and has never been kind to me. If I could turn the clock back in time I guess I would wish I was never born.

Why? You ask, well it is Deja Vu all over again. The summer started off nice and quiet. Jenn went to visit family and I had reign of the apartment. I had picked up a small part time job at the local convienience store for my first "legit" job. I was happy about that. My hours were only 4 hours Monday, Wednesday, Saturday. A total of 12 hours a week. Not bad considering I would work up to 18 n the street. This was a substancial change. Anyhow, my school work progressed as I took on homework to get ahead in my classes for the fall semester.

My world abruptly thought it would end one friday as I was walking from the library. My nemesis ADAM. He rounded the corner from the library and immediately sought me out by following me to the bus. I quickened my pace and he litterally ran and caught up to me and knocked me down. In broad daylight, he immediatly punched me in the face and started to pound on my body. I had no fight as my hands were kinda pinned by his kneesas he was punching me. I went unconcious soon after and woke up in the ER. My worst nightmare all over again with that prick. The ER nurse, Karen came in and told me that I was raped and started asking all sorts of questions about my gender and my health background etc. Some I was willing to answer others I shrugged off. I know she was trying to help , I was just not to comfortable. Karen told me I was badly bruiised on my face and my rbs were broken(2 left side). I wished I ws dead after the beating I jsut took. I asked her if they got ADAM. She told me she was not sure. I srugged. I hurt like hell. I cried. and then I fell asleep.

Several days passed and I was released from the hospital. I went home and via cab and went to bed on the couch. I made sure tho that the hospital called my work so they knew I was hospital bound. Over the next few weeks I really struggled. Jenn came home and she freaked out. I told her about my run in with ADAM. We had a cry session. I debated yet again my purpose. It brought horrid memories of life on the farm dealing with my abusers,my "father" and "brother". I get depressed really quickly. I wanted to end my life and I almost did, it was the middle of july and I remember grabbing a kitchen knofe with a 6 inch blade and going into the bathroom and running the bath water and climbing into the tub. I remember slashing the insides of both my legs high enuff on them. Near my groin area. I passed out.

I woke in the phsiche ward back at the hospital where only a few weeks previous I was released. I was strapped to the bed with them heavy restraints. I cried. I screamed to high hell over being tied down like a crazed animal. I woke up a day later. I cried. When was this shit ever going to be right for me. I hate my life, I hate FUCKING MEN , I hate everything period. I found out is was Jenn whom had found me in the tub and screamed and called 911. I owe her so much. I wanted to die. I so wanted to end it all and see what came next if anything. Life sucked and I hated everything in it. I even blamed Jenn for rescuing me. I was so angry, all those pent up feelings and emotions flooded back. and I was reliving hell on earth again. I had no escape this time. I was confined to a bed and a room. NOT FUN.

week and a half later a woman came in and sat at the side of the bed and introduced herself to me. Her name was Sheila. Sheila was a short woman of 5 foot 4 and heavy set, not too heavy. She wore glasses and had greyish brown hair. She carried a file folder and a clipboard. She looked at my file and then we started to talk.

Sheila: " Hi Mellissa, how are you feeling today?"

Me: " ok, maybe, not sure, I want out of here"

Sheila: " not going to happen, we have to have a along talk and ten I WILL decide what you will do." she emphatically stated.

Me: " why me, Why can I not die and be left alone."

Sheila: " You tell me why you want to die?, Tell me why you hate yourself?" She had one of those looks that could shake apples from a tree as she stared at me. They were not kind eyes.

Me: " I want too, I hate life, I hate MEN, I hate everything, Why shouldn't I die?" I fired back at her.

Sheila: " Tell me why you hate your life. Tell me why you want to die. You are skipping the questions with asking questions." She made notes and then scowled at me. I could immediately tell this was going to be a long day with this bitch here. I turned my head and closed my eyes.

Sheila: " Why don't yu talk with me, I am here to assist you and hope to help you and then see what happens after our little chat here today."

Me: " why should I, you think I am a freak, a idiot, a nobody, why would you fucking care." she shook her head at me and started to say something.

Sheila: " why would you say that, Mellissa. I am here to help you. I am here to listen to you> I want to help you if I can. I do now some of your background from talking to Jenn. You do remember who Jenn is, right?"

I nodded.

Sheila: " well then tell me , I cannot help yu if you do not open up to me and tell me why you want to die?" her demenour changed slightly to a more calm state.

I told her the reasons why I wanted to die.

Me: " Sheila, the reason I want to die is I cannot keep living and feeling that everyone wants to abuse me and to hurt me . I want to die so I do not want to feel pain, to feel used. Fuck I was used like a punching bag at home for 9 fucking years and then a life of hell on the streets and you expect me to want to keep living. I have nothing to give, I am nothing. I am to be used and fucking abused by everyone and hurt in the process."

She kept writing notes. She was calm and got up after several more questions , never did respond to my response to her inquires. All she did was I will see you tomorrow. I went to sleep.

After the following weekend Sheila paid me a second visit, this one longer than the first and I was alot calmer and somewhat rested. I asked for the restraints to be taken off and they were not. I was told that they would not be til I was no longer a threat to myself. Fuck what can I do there , I had nothing to kill myself with. Oh well. We had a much more intense session. I was told by her that I was what they called a transexual. I never knew. I told her I was forced into this situation and never looked back. I told her I had suffered so much abuse at the hands of my "FATHER" and "BROTHER" that I had no choice to life as a girl and to survive on the streets, I told her about the hormones and my mothers lack of attention and care, I told her of the severe rapes and beatings. THe attemps of suicid eat home, the solation I was in. The freedome I enjoyed when iw as riding. That was the only time I was truely able to escape the horror. She asked me about the hormones and where I got them. I told her that my mother gave them to e in my food. I told her once I was on the streets I bought the pills and took them. I was a nice comfortable 34 c at 18 years of age. I mentioned yto her the horrible sights I saw, the ongoing abuse on the streets I suffered. She looked as tho she could faint as I described the horror I saw when I witnessed the murders. After several hours she left. I was left alone to contemplate my fate. Deja Vu becomes true.....

TO BE CONTINUED

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