TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 13 SUMMER AND SCHOOL....HOPE PERHAPS?

The Summer started off for me quiet. I knew what needed to be done for any posibility of a future.

Future..my definition is at that time unknown and unobtainable. I now realize years later. it was very much obtainable.
My reunion with Jenn was pleasant and at the same time strained. She never pressed me nor questioned me on my motives for leaving. She quietly observed my every action. I personally was emotionally and physically drained. My journey done..or at least part of it was. Where do I go from here? That question I asked myself a few weeks after I stepped off the bus. Personally I had a few options opened to me. One; continue my road of self distruction. two; try and make a life for myslef. Three; school. each of these options possessed a number of additional questions and no answers. I decided to break my silence to Jenn one night after she came home from work.

Me: " Jenn, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place as to where I want to take my future, my existance."

Jenn responded with. " well what do you want to do? And how do you see yourself now?"

Me: "I am not really sure, I could continue at present, or maybe attempt something new."

Jenn: " What is the definition of new for you? Do you want to go to school? Look for work? You cannot work in short skirts like you wear. If you want I can help you, for what I know it will be hard for you."

Me: " I know, I have no idea, no training, I have street smarts, life in general I have to relearn. I am a Adult."

At 17 I was more mature than most adults were and definitely more adept at life and it's struggles. I grew yp when I left at 15, I never fully recovered from that when i returned after the mess I encountered west. I was lost, I felt hopeless. I was HOPELESS. I felt ashamed for what I did. I learned years later that abuse begets more abuse. I only wish I knew what I know now almost 30 years after the fact. I guess it is true what they say, Hindsight is 20/20.

****

Days passed , nights endurred. Most sleepless. The nightmare of that brutal attack west haunted my nightmares and my thoughts. It was later told to me I had PTSD. Wow, way to much information to digest and attempt to understand. The difference was I was the one being shot at close range, execution stlye. I would always wake up in a sweat, or crying or both. I think I must have scared the hell out of Jenn at times with my nightmares. She always looked frightened when she saw me the mornings after my nightmares. Jenn never said anything directly to me. There was nothing to be said. I knew I needed assistance from someone, I had no clue who I needed to talk to. These nightmares haunt me still.

****
Nearly 2 months after arriving, I began to see some light for me. I went to get a doctor and had a complete physical. I was Disease free. That was a relief. I was elated. I picked up the local newspaper and started browsing. I had no relevant expierience to work a so called normal job. I saw a advert for open house at the local high schols.
I went and called the number to the one school closest to where Jenn and I lived. I recieved more information and the times to pop by and look and talk with the teacher representatives for the local school division and the principal. Did I see a small glimmer...yes .

Later that evening I asked Jenn if she would be able to accompany me to this high school on the given date which was august 12th at 7 pm. She readily agreed to split shifts with someone at her work. I thanked her. As the following weks progressed I needed to obtain new clothes , so off to the shops to select clothes. Well Trust me when I say I had no idea what runners or sneakers were. I was ignorant to that fact. High school culture was going to be very different for me to say the least.

I chose a few new pairs of jeans and tops and decided to pass on the sneakers/runners. I was so used to heels. To be honest it would take many years for me to get accustomed to sneakers/runners. The night of the open house. I dressed down from my regular skirts and tank tops and somewhat heavu make up. I placed my hair in a tight braid. My hair was down to my rear end at that time. My nails were immaculate as was my makeup. We only had 5 blocks to the school. and let me tell you when I first laid my eyes on this building it was huge and the butterflies were tieing knots in my stomache. The School was built in the early 20th century and had been upgraded to a modern style. The total number of students taught was close to 600. I was so nervous and it showed.

Upon entereing this school, the first thing i noticed was the ornate chandeliers and lighting. Also the paintings, the columns of grnite and marble. I was impressed. There were arrows directing us to this massive hall with seats. (country girl everything was huge). Anyhow, the dias on the stage where all the important people sat and would eventually speak. I wll not bore you with al the proceedings. I will say this I was enthusiastic at this new revelation. Maybe I did have a future. Maybe hope too. Time would definitely tell over the next 4 years. I only had a grade eight education when I left home. That seemed to me as a lifetime ago.I suppose it was. There were tables set up in the gym for class registration. Jenn went with me. OH my, what a list of classes to sign up for. There was Maths, Sciences, History, Gym of course, Home Ec, Computers, Shop (Woodworking, Automotive, Electronics etc). I talked to several teachers that night. and I signed up for grade nine courses. They included Math, Trigonometry, Biology, Physics, Chemistry and History. Oh boy, was I in trouble here. Whew, I thought I was going to die after that class list was given me. Before I attended classes I needed to take a bunch of apptitude tests to determine where my learning strengths and weaknesses were going to sit. Well 1 week later I crammed into a small classroom and took the required tests. I found out later I was smarted than I thought. I was in and in some way I was releived.

There was hope, some. Maybe not so much of a future. I had to survive this. I had these reacurring thoughts that this was a very bad choice for me. My thoughts drifted back to my life on the streets. I was not quite so confident I would survive this unknown environment. new questions arose for me. Would I be okay in this situation? Could I make Friends? How difficult would this be for me? I knew the answers to all these years later of course. I did manage to survive, make freinds,and yes I did find it extremely challenging and difficult. I took this adventure as a new stage in my life with vigor. maybe not enthusiasm or being happy. I did take it with the preferencial grain of salt. School started for me 1 week before labour day here in Canada, the first monday n September. That first week would proove to be very, very interesting and challenging to say the least. I was so lost and confused... I needed a road map to get to all my classes and especially a classroom that would be my "homeroom". very different. far different from K til 8 in a rural setting. I guess my adventure would begin... Who knew how it would turn out for me.... I certainly did not have the slightest clue. Oh well.......

TO BE CONTINUED

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