Tragedy of the Spirit Part 12 Hope and Home....A new life perhaps?.
Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64

At the midst of the gunshots I did not know where to go....... I ducked and covered up as best I could. All I saw were flashes and then sparks and then quiet.....

The earie quiet was priceless. the noise was non existant. there was not even a sqeek from the rats and mice that surrounded the alley's trash cans. I lay still in the fetal position for maybe 20 minutes, it felt like a day. When I brought my head arround to see the sight on the opposite corner and the blood glistening as the street lights reflected. That was earie, I have never seen that sight before, there were also 4 bodies in various positions laying about. There was glass shattered about from car and shop windows. All I could hear was the sound of sirens as my head and ears began to clear. I looked at myself and I guessed I was safe from everything, I was however wrong, I was bleeding from my ankle. My shoes were off, my good jigh heeled shoes! DAMN, where were they? I located them about 4 feet away and behind me. My nylons were a wreck, ripped and torn. I looked like hell, my makeup was smeared as i looked up into the glass of the shop 3 feet from where my body lay. I was shaking and very scared. My concern was, was I shot?. All I ermember was the shots and me going to the sidewalk. Did I pass out for a second? What was happening arround me? I was not so sure anymore.

Mayhem errupted as police, ambulance and even fire personelle showed up. Alot of the girls that worked the corners fled. I stayed as I was shaken and not sure what was entirely happeneing. I felt I was shot as the blood kept trickling off my ankle. My body hurt, my head hurt and I was a mess. When the Emt's came accross the street to asses me, I was in shock and could not speak. I remember this as it would haunt me for many years to come. They looked e over and pronounced me okay. I had concrete splinters in my ankle and my knee. I was cleaned up and asked to sit still til the detectives came to talk to me. I was so shaken, scared. The detectives showed up and questioned me about what I saw. I related to tem what I only wittnessed before i covered up on the ground. It was not alot. I told them I saw a white truck approach and drop a girl off and then a blue car speed toward the truck and stop rather abruptly and 3 people jumped out, next I knew there were shots going off like fireworks. Rapid fireworks. I told them I went down and then slowly got up when I thought everythign was okay. The ove detective asked me if I knew the girls names. I relied "not really, I only knew them by nicknames and by seeing them." They scowled at me ad I shrugged. I was cold and shaking. I was escourted to the ambulance and covered with a blanket and given some water. That night would change my existance on the streets for ever. I had survived for nearly 22 months living in cheap rooms and being abused, raped, "loved", and I thought I had found acceptance. Alot of burning questions arrose that night for me. Going home? What was I going to do? Where was home? Will my life change? Yes, it had in a dramatic way.

******

I was shaking still when I arrived and entered my cheap room 4 hours later. I decided at that moment I was done. I decided to pack what belongings I had and head to where ever I decided to end up. It was shame really, I look back and think to myself , Wow! I had a good life here on the streets. I felt loved, accepted and yes I made money. Take all the shit I enduured growing up in that shit hole for a house with those "parents", this was a vacation for me. I belonged here. This was home! This was MY life! This was acceptable. OH my , I was so messed up? Or was I?. Yes I was so screwed up, I was scared of what my life was going to be. Did I have a life after this? What was I going to do? I packed up everything I had in my dufflebag and my small case. I went and sat on the couch and cried and cried. Mandy came in. She wss on of the 7 girls that lived in this tiny place. She looked very concerned. she asked me what was wrong.
Mandy: " what is going on? You leaving Mel?"

I nodded my head.

Mandy gor a worried look on her face and said : " what the hell went on? Where will you go?

I looked at her with tear streaked eyes and said.: " some asshole shot for girls and I have no idea where the hell I am going as yet, I have to get out of here."

Mandy: " what!!!! Who got shot? When? Were you there? "

I replied: " Yes, four girls were shot and I thought I was shot as well, I went down to protect myself."
I continued. " cops were everywhere, ambulance and fire, I am so f'in pissed off right now I am so scared, I am going to have f'in nightmares after this, there was so much blood." I think she saw me shaking so badly she came over to comfort me. I initially covered up to protect myself because of her quick movement towards me. I cried. She must have comforted me for a while, because I woke up several hours later, still shaking. I had decided to leave, set out for whereever I ended up as usual. I went to the corner store and used the payphone and saw the yellow tape still arround the scene. The street was still blocked off and there were people with camers and little things with numbers on them. I was shaking as I made my way to call Jenn. I was lucky in one respect she was out. I left a voice mail on her machine.

I told her I was ok, and that I would contact her when I had the next oppertunity. I just never mentioned to her that I would be going back to see her. The thoughts ranged from school to my continued to life a prstitute, too run and keep running. The stairs to the room seemed long and endless. When I reached it I opened the door and grabbed my belongings and I left. No note, no goodbye's. I left. My future was definitely in my hands now. As unknown as it was going to be, it was MY LIFE.

******

When I stepped off the bus in my home city, I was dirty and needed abth so bad. I garnered a single seat near the back of the Greyhound bus so I was alone and able to sleep. The terminal was busy as I entered it and went straight to the phones and called Jenn. This time I caught her.

Jenn: " Hello"

Me: " Hi Jenn, I am here."

Jenn: " Where are you?"

Me: " At the bus station. Can you meet me?"

Jenn: " I can be there soon."

Me: " good, I will see you soon." I hung up and went to find a seat away from everyone. I loked like hell and I think it was noticed by those arround me. I was wearing a torn skirt and top. My makeup was somewhat ok, not perfect. It was adequate. One hour and twenty minutes later Jenn arrived and immidiately saw me. She ran to me and hugged me. There was definite concern on her face. We left and went back to her place where she told me to clean up and we shall talk. Thai is exactly what went on. I took a logn shower and dressed in tight jeans and pink cutoff top. I felt better, to a degree. I was not looking forward to talking with Jenn about this. I did.

Jenn: " What happened to you? I go scared when you called me? I could not reach you?"

Me: " There was a shooting, I was slightly injured in that" Nothing serious I was not shot.

Jenn: " Thank god for that."

Me: " No kidding" I replied.

I explained te whole event up to my going to the ground and protecting myself. She was perplexedand releived I think. When I look back at our conversation, it seems to real still. I ate and went to bed. jenn left for work.

*****

A few weeks had passed and my nightmares never left me. I was the opne that was shot, not those that were. I was still scared and I knew damn well I was going to have to deal with this soon. There was just so many things I needed to deal with. First on my priority level was to get my financial situation out and then shop. That is exactly what I did. You see when I started. i banked everything I made, kinda a "rainy day fund". Well I was not disappointed , I made close to 29,000.00$ for the 22 months on the road and that included interest. I felt I did good by banking this money. You see that when you are a TGIRL, you are treated extra special while on the streets. I did make good and I felt special.

Those memories and those nightmares continued for the remainder of the summer. To this day they still exist. I decided that I was going to enroll in school if I could for the fall. This was going to be a new challenge and a new future for me. Was it? I had mentone dit to Jenn that nigth as to what my decission was and she readilly agreed to help me. Was this going to be "exiting"...NOT. Going to school,Not in the least. You see there was no way I could attend with what I learned on the streets. Steets smarts was one thing, education in a confioned space..not so good. The decission was made and I would follow through.

We started looking at schools at the end of July, and we settled on Two that were posibles. Both were technical schools and had very good curriculums as well as standings within the community. We filled out the required forms and waited for the acceptance letters. One of them I was going to attend, That was yet to be determined. The acceptance letter arrived while I was out shopping and Jenn intercepted it and told me about it when i arrived home. I was in and a new chapter began.

**** After my drama with the shooting and those persistant nightmares. It was suggested by Jenn to seek some help, I reluctantly declined as I was still upset over this whole incident. The nightmares continued well into the weeks leading up to the first day of school and long afterwards. I went and saw a Physchologist who dealt with this type of ailment. Sheila called it Post Dramatic Stress. I told her about my upbringing. The hell I had spent at home, the life I lead on the streets. She seemed impressed with my cander as well as my dress. even though it was stil short skirts and tops, with heels). You see , I never was able to beat wearing them. they were comfortable and I thought fashionable. even when it was -40 and very cold O waore them, I guess you get used to them after awhile. I loved showing off my long legs, my body looked good. I was proud of it. After many visits to Sheila and we sorted out several issues. I was also diagnosed with being a transexual. That was a term I never new about. That was a issue I was very unaware of being. I considered myself a female. some thought I wasm a freak, some thought I was normal, some thought I was pretty, I know what my clients thought os me and that was the "third gender" and they got the best of both worlds. I loved myself for the first time. I guess being pushed into a situation as I was, it would make anyone grow up quick. I became a adult at 15, I learned street smarts, I knew the strength I gained by being there. I also never forgot the pain and the abuse. I guess that what will and was that drove me. yes, there was a tragedy. Yes, there was a loss. Yes, there was hope, yes there was no spirit. I guess you could say that well all these things compiled to make things worse for me. There was a glimmer of a futurefor me. As e4ventful as my life was and seems it is all true. It is a testmount to I guess the strength that was endurred durring my first 18 years of my life. a spirit that was lost...Will it be found.....

To be continued

please your comments are welcome.points to improve on are also welcome.

Thank you for those who have commented. I appreciate it very much.
Mellissa N. (prairie_girl_64)