The End

Dear Mom, Dad, Granny, Friends..... Everyone I know.

I have lived on this earth for 12 years. It is now time to say goodbye. I cannot continue being me. I cannot live with myself. I am a freak. I am a sinner. I am so unhappy. If I kill myself, I will be at peace. I will not be afraid to be me. I know that suicide is a sin, but I need peace.

Mom, You and Dad love me. But would you really love me if you know who I am? What I done? What am I inside? The truth is that I am a sissy. I feel like I am a girl inside a boy’s body. I feel like that this girl is punching the boy’s body, and wants to come out.

If the girl in me came out, no one would love me. You wouldn't love me. Dad wouldn't love me. You know me as a boy. You want me to play football and things like that. You want me to like Spiderman and action men. If you knew the truth, you would not love me. You would think that I am a freak. That the devil himself is in me. I cannot live without you and Dad loved me.

At School, They tease me already. They don't like the fact that I have long hair and that I am not that strong. They don't think that I am not normal. They call me faggot and sissy. I am not normal. I do not know what is wrong with me. Did God put me in the wrong body? Did God make a mistake? Is the devil really in me? Sometimes at night, I take one of my sisters Barbie dolls. I lie with the Barbie and look at her. I think does she have a boy in her body or was she a boy because she has no privates. I cry myself to sleep. This is nearly every night. I hate that I am not normal. I hate that every day more and more people are finding out. This is why I have to say goodbye to this world.

Mom, remember that time when I woke up and wet my briefs. I hid in the toilet and wouldn't come out. I hid the briefs. I know you found them because they were not there later. I went through my drawers and couldn't find any briefs or boxers. I started crying. As usual, you came to my aid and hugged me until I stopped crying. You looked for some briefs and you couldn't find any. Then you said I could loan my sisters panties. I started crying again. What if the others have seen this at school? They would call me every name in the world. I could not wear girl’s panties, only girls wore them. You said it would only be for one day so I looked at them. They were so pretty. I remember to this day what they looked like. They were white with some lace and they had a picture of a flower on them. I put them on. They were so soft against my skin. It was nearly like putting a cloud on. I felt so pretty with them on. It was a shame that I had to wear trousers on top of them. That day at school, I felt special. I never felt so happy in my life. It was just because I was wearing panties. I know this sounds weird, and it is. But the easiest way to explain it is that I was missing a leg or arm until that day. When I put the panties on, I was myself again. I was whole.

Mom, don't blame yourself. You did not turn me into what I am now. But from that day, I wanted to be your daughter. You only wanted me to be a son.

Every time you got my sister a pretty dress or toys. I cried inside and at nighttime, I cried to God. I blamed God for creating me the way I am. Why did you not buy pretty dresses for me? Why did you not brush my hair as long as you did with hers? Why did you not buy me the same toys she had? If you only knew how sad I was, then you would understand. I still do this, when she gets things and I just can look. It’s hard looking and not being able to enjoy.

You know Louisa. She is my best friend. But she is the only person in the world who knows who I really am. One day, when I was 9. I was at her house. We were watching Top Model on TV. It was where these beautiful women were models. Their clothes were so pretty. Well, Louise tried to talk to me but I was glued to the TV. Then she knew that I liked it. It was only when she said that sometimes she played model, then she got my attention. We went up to her room and she showed me her clothes that she used for the beauty pageants that her mum makes her go to sometimes. I don't know why she hates it because when I first saw the dresses, my mouth could have caught a thousand flies it was open so much. They were so pretty and beautiful. They were in the prettiest colours and some were fluffy dresses and others were like princess dresses and some were party dresses and sundresses. Some looked like the ones you wore when you were a girl Mum.
She put one of them on.

Yes, Mum, I did see her in her panties, but I didn't think about what you want to ask. I just was looking forward to seeing the dress on her. She put one on. I remember it even though it was 3 years ago. It was white and went down to her knees, it had puffy short sleeves. I don't think I said much, I just looked.

Then she shocked me. She said I should try on a dress. I didn’t even argue. I picked this cowboy dress with straps over the shoulder. It had a rose on the belly. I felt so pretty again in it. Just like that day I wore the panties, I felt like I was myself again. I wasn't just me, I was really me. Anyhow she gave me these panties to put on as well, they had roses and lace and then she helped me put tights on.

I was shocked when I looked in the mirror. I looked exactly like a girl. I was a girl. I know you probably hate me by now and think I am the worse child in the world. But I was a girl. I was happy that week, and then I remembered we went to Church. I don't remember what I was wearing, but I remember that my sister was sitting beside me, and I wanted too much to have the Sunday dress she was wearing. I sometimes felt the side of it when she was sitting down and didn’t notice I was feeling it. I felt sad again.

It didn't help that the priest was talking about sin. He said that if we sinned we would go to hell. I thought it was a sin wanting to be a girl, and that meant that I would go to Hell. I tried to listen to what the priest said and accept Gods will. But it was hard.

Every time I thought that I wanted to be a girl. I said a prayer. I felt so bad. The only time I was happy was when I visited Louise. Every time I visited her, I dressed in her clothes. I was a girl at her house. She also thought I was a girl and she we agreed that I was her secret sister. I was so happy when I visited her. I know I wrote that I was so happy so many times, but I was. I looked like a girl, played like a girl, treated like a girl and that made me happy

But every time I came home, I felt sad again. What Louise and I did was just a fantasy. It was just pretending. It was just me acting like a girl. I thought it was a sin because I was trying to be something that God didn't want me to be. On top of that, I was not your son that you wanted me to be. I was so ashamed. Life was horrible. It still is. I told you they call me a sissy and gay. They think I am too girly. The truth is they are right. Mom and Dad, you think it’s just a phase. Well, it’s a hell of a long phase to go through. I think all parents turn a blind eye to their children's faults. And my fear was that you would soon find out who I really am, and hate me for it.

The one time I am happy is at Louisa’s. She really considered me as her sister. Once I told her that sometimes I pee in my trousers and I like it. She then came up with an idea to put a diaper on me. I wasn't at all embarrassed that she saw my private parts. We were sisters. When she put the diaper on me and a baby dress, I looked in the mirror. I felt so happy. I looked like her baby sister. This happened when I was 10. We do it every time now. I dress as a baby and she gives me a bottle. I know you probably think that this is some sort of sex game, but it honestly is not. We do love each other, Louise and me. But I love her as a big sister and she loves me as a little sister. So now you know what I go to her house so much.

Once Louisa made me sad. We were looking at the TV, and she asked me did I fancy this boy on TV. I was silent. I thought he was cute. Then she asked me which boys in school I thought was cute. Without thinking I told her who it was. She smiled and said I was really a girl. I smiled back, but part of me felt bad. Especially when I came home. I was once again in my boy's clothes and was lying down on my bed thinking of boys. I must be gay. That was the only answer that I have. I must be a freak. I know I am not a girl. I am just a sissy and a gay, everything you don't want me to be. It is time that I end it all. Remember that I love you.

Love you and this is the end...

Now is a chance to pee and to get some handkerchiefs or something to drink. It is advised to wait a few minutes to read the epilogue,

It has been several months since I wrote this letter. The question you are asking is if I am in heaven or Hell.

The answer is heaven

But it is heaven on earth. Writing this letter was good for me. It let me open my heart not to others, but to myself.

I did not kill myself. I did not commit suicide. Why?

Because suicide is a sin. God gives us life. He gives us a chance on earth to learn who we are. He is not a God that will throw us into hell because we feel that we are confused. He is a God of love and compassion.

He could have made me a sissy. I could even be a girl in a boy’s body. I could even be gay. But after I wrote this letter, I thought there are children that are being sexually abused. There are children that do not have hands or feet. There are children that cannot talk or even think.

My problem looks very small compared to these people. This is a proof that God loves me.

I never told my parents. I never showed them this letter. Part of me thinks that it will hurt them. I would love for them to treat me like a girl. But I cannot get everything I wish in life.