Can Dreams Come True?...Part 2

I helped Ryan do the dishes and we had coffee together and just sort of relaxed a little. It was starting to sort of get to that whole awkward stage where you sort of have no idea what to say or what to do next and it was making me fidgety.

“Thanks for staying and eating with me Josie.”

“Oh…aren’t I the one that should be thanking you?”

“Then we’re even then?”

“Hardly but this was really nice and unexpected Ryan.”

“Good, really nice I’ll take.”

“I should go…I don’t want to wear out my welcome.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Ryan we just met…I mean it…okay.” I do, I really do I am not easy to get along with.

He looks at me and there’s that gentle look again, not a smile but just…that kind of look from one of those people that’s kind of like having your body pillow. “Okay Josie.”

He takes my empty coffee cup and I fight my urge to wash it and not leave him with dirty dishes even if it’s a coffee cup and he walks me out from his door the whole six feet or so across our porch to my door.

“Josie?’

“Uhm…yes?”

“I had a really good time. Thanks for keeping me company this evening.”

“Okay…” Of course this, this is when my mouth doesn’t want to work. I unlock my door and slip inside. “Uhm…night Ryan.”

“G’nite Josie.”

I go inside and close my doors and I lock them and I lean against my door and I just try to breathe and I feel all shaky and just…I actually don’t know.

Just breathe Josie, just breathe.

And of course the light’s flashing on the damned answering machine again.

I know what’s there and after all the good that happened tonight and just the sinking feeling from looking at that damned light makes me want to cry.

I resist the urge to run upstairs and be sick and it takes some more breathing and a few shaky moments but I get over to the machine and I erase all of the messages.

No, not tonight, not even looking at them.

Instead I go up to bed and fall into it and curl up and have my little war inside of myself over why did I ever think that I could have a few minutes to breathe, just a little bit of happy.

And just how nice Ryan was and tonight was for me.

And that maybe just maybe that I am real, that someone see’s the real me as somebody.

And back and forth and back and forth and crying in my sleep because…because I’m a goddamned mess.

Is it really that hard for me to accept that someone might actually just like me for being me?

So yeah not much sleep and waking up at the sound of I think Ryan’s car pulling out in the morning. It’s an eight cylinder so it’s louder than I’m used to hearing. It’s early and I get up and stumble to my bathroom and I look ghastly…yeah that little bit of make up has me looking like Mimi from The Drew Carrie Show.

“Oh Ick.” My face feels almost…no it feels gross.

I get the faucet going with hot water and I grab a clean face cloth and let it get wet and really hot and then I get out my jar of cold cream to start de-gunking myself.

I know I’ll be so lucky as to have a pimple or something from this combined with my hormones and everything. It’s good me getting to be me really but there are parts of the whole second time round puberty bit that I could do without.

Maybe…maybe I could ask Ryan for some help? I mean I know he did mostly like barbering stuff but he went to school for this stuff so he’s bound to know more about it than me.

“Oh…mmmm…”

I love the feeling of a fresh hot washcloth on my face. I just sit there and lean on my counter and hold it to my face and just let the hot washcloth do its thing as I breathe through it.

Twice, then I take my meds and my hormones and then use the toilet and shower again and I’m just about to get ready for work when I realize I’m off today.

I look in the mirror. “Just…shoot me…just…” I brush my teeth and my mood’s kind of dragged down some more. I’m off…that should be a good thing unless you’re me and you can’t turn your brain off.

It’s going to be one of those take an extra Silexa kind of days.

And I do.

Actually on my doctors orders. There are some days when the balance of things is that just wrong or off you sometimes need some help and while I have them here I’ve been on them long enough to take one when I need one.

I sometimes really hate being off because I can’t turn my brain off and there’s also the whole thing of sometimes I just don’t feel like doing anything. It’s sort of felt like one of those days so I took an extra pill.

I walk and pace around the house for forty minutes before I get dressed and head to my kitchen and I make myself a pot of tea. Coffee’s okay but I drink enough of that at work or during my work week that I’m semi sick of it and I end up taking the pot. It’s one of those ceramic ones that you pour the hot water into to make tea instead of the tea pot on the stove. I have both but I want to take my tea with me into the living room and I look at my video games and decide on what I want to play I end up putting in Phantom Hourglass and trying to beat it finally.

Yes I play and like videogames. I have several different kinds of systems and I enjoy them a lot because they let me go someplace else. I wasn’t actually allowed much in the way of these things back home since dad pretty much considered them a wasted of time.

It sucked but most of my games are still sort of new to me and like most of my books I get them at flea markets and swap meets and stuff. Game re-sale stores are assholes and will buy a used game from people for sweet FA and they’ll re-sell it at a way too high price calling it a classic game.

Pot of tea, game set, drapes closed and I start playing from my last save point and it really helps me shut my brain down to play and enjoy, puzzle things out and work my controller.

Sometimes though I kind of wish that Link was a girl character.

I’m not sure why but that’s where I go with most fictional characters. I mean I’m a girl…so most of the stuff I read is with the main character being a girl. So I’ve kind of had this thing that if there’s a really cool character that’s in a book or a game or something else I sort of do this morph on them in my head.

Though when they do make a version sometimes like in comics…not that I’m a huge fan or a collector but they’re sort of an escape too…oh yeah when the do make a female version it usually ends up sucking kind of hard.

And yes these are some of the things that I think about. It’s kind of insulting sometimes when people just sort of expect you to grow up. I mean yeah I’m almost thirty and stuff but I don’t have a relationship, I don’t really have friends, some of the ones I did have left when I started to transition in college and others parted company when my depression came to be an issue with either them sick of me or me just not being able to be around them.

I’m struggling to be myself and struggling to fight off my depression and usually failing and there were some of my friends all hooked up and together being successful because they have each others back and I’m doing it alone…always alone and then they’re all lovey dovey.

And it hurt me.

It’s not their fault and their lives aren’t perfect but it’s hard…it’s really hard to be alone and happy and adjusted and…just all that bullshit when you just can’t.

And they’re there trying to include you but they’re together and happy and it hurts.

It’s shitty and petty and jealous of me…but it hurts and that’s why I stopped hanging around them…and after a few years….they stopped asking.

I save my game when I run out of tea and then it’s time for a potty break and then the decision of having a smoke or not. I had quit but then the whole thing with my family had sent my nerves through the roof and I broke down and bought a pack.

I have a few left in the pack and I’m at that cross roads of quitting again or buying a new pack.

I take the smokes out and feed them to the garbage disposal. “I quit, I really don’t need another thing in my life that I can’t afford.”

I’m right full of nerved up facing that down anxiety and yeah just things like that can set stuff off in someone who’s as messed up as me so I start to clean my place up. That’s a good thing because sometimes when I get hit it takes every scrap of my strength to just function from day to day actually getting stuff done in a major deal for me then so when I hit these times when I need to do something or I’ll start thinking too much…it’s a good thing.

I like lemon so I actually use a sponge mop on the walls and hard to reach spots that’s mostly sunlight soap and hot water and some lemon scented Mr. Clean and do the walls and the ceiling…I’m a bit ODC and I get into one of these serious cleaning fits I have to literally start from top to bottom. I open the windows too and air the place out and get the trash and stuff I don’t need…and de-clutter while I’m at it and save the floors for last since they have the most traffic on them and I go back to my couch with a book I’ve been trying to finish and another pot of tea and bask in the relative glow of actually feeling accomplished for as long as it lasts.

I hear the sound of Ryan’s big engine pulling in and I resist getting up and going over. He was being nice and his life isn’t my business.

But dammit…

I hear him going back and forth from the car to the house and it’s several trips and as much as I hate being nosey there’s that…I really am a girl and we’re curious people right? Aren’t we supposed to be?

I get up and I go to close my windows and I see he’s boxes of things and some bags from the grocery and hardware stores and some other things too?

I can’t help myself and I close the window and I open the front door and step outside. “Need a hand?”

“Sure.” He’s heading to the car and he’s taking some wood like lumber from the trunk. It looks like it was sticking out aways from the size of it and there are a couple of 4X4 inch posts that he’s carrying around back.

I think I was still giving him the confused look when he comes back around. He laughs and holds a bag from the hardware store up. “I know I should’ve asked since we share yard space but it’ll save money.”

I look inside and it’s the wire and fittings for a clothesline I think. “Clothesline?”

He nods. “I’ll brace together those two posts and sink it in there and we’ll have it to use instead of the dryer.”

“I’ve never lived in a place with a clothesline before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really, I’m a city kid and even out in the suburbs they’re really pretty rare.”

“Well I thought it’d be a good idea I love sheets fresh from outside.”

“Ryan its Grand Rapids it’s not that fresh.”

“If we fix up the yard some then it’ll be better.”

“What about Emil?”

“The Super? I talked to the landlord and he said as long as he didn’t have to pay he didn’t care. Emil’s not coming around anymore for the yard work.”

“Really? Who’s going to do that now?” Yes I already know the answer I just wanted to know what he was going to say.

Ryan actually looks around. “He wasn’t actually doing the work to begin with so at least this way he’s just not here being creepy.”

“If only I didn’t need him to fix stuff sometimes either…and yeah he is kind of a little creep isn’t he?”

Ryan’s getting some of the other things and nodding. “I got the same vibe from him too and he was only too eager to blab to me about you.”

I bite my lip and look down and little hurt and angry, I knew he’d outed me. I look at Ryan. He’s set the stuff on the steps and he’s closing up his car and has one of those non motor push mowers another thing that I’ve never seen before. Well I’ve seen them but never really up close or in a place I was living at.

“Those actually work?”

“Oh yeah they work really great as long as you keep them sharp and oiled fairly regular like and they’re really great.”

I start giving him and hand and I look over at him. “You have a washing machine don’t you?”

“Charlie had both and they’re kind of dated but they’re not used tons either. And you’re more than welcome to use it.”

“I don’t want to…how’d you know I didn’t?”

“You asked me instead of offering.”

“How do you know that’d I’d offer?”

He looks at me and gives me this smile and that sort of look like before. “You’d have offered Josie, you’re the kind of girl that would.”

I blush and bit my lip and it’s really nice that he thinks that but I’m not even sure that I would offer if I had one to offer to use.

“I…I’m not even sure that…you know Ryan I might not be a nice person…you barely know me.”

“Mmmm…like an asshole would be helping me with all of this?”

Okay well…he might just have me there.

And…and I actually laughed a little.

“Eat supper with me again?”

“You don’t have to feed me.’

“No I don’t but I hate eating alone plus there’s leftovers to use up.”

“Okay, okay so how’d the interview go?”

“Audition and it went really well actually…well it’s gotten me a spot in their weekend shows and I can try to work my way into more from there so it’s a start.”

“Cool, where at?”

“Rumors.”

“Never heard of it but that’s not going to pay the bills right?”

“Nope, but I’m going to set up shop here too.”

“Shop like the barber thing?”

“Yep, but for now I’ve got a chair I’m using at a place here in town just down the way call Murray’s.”

“That’s a black barber shop.” I’m looking at him. “How’d you get a job there?”

“Charlie went there and I stopped in and talked and me being white’s not a big deal.”

“Uhm…it’s not…kinda news to me.”

I really don’t mean to come across as a racist but this is a very heavy black part of the city and there are a lot of people that are black that kind of see white people in a less that tolerable light sometimes and while it might not be violent it’s not that friendly sometimes. Not that speaking as a white person that we haven’t earned it.

Ryan looks at me funny. “I’m not really getting that vibe there actually I spent the last three hours there cutting and shaving.”

“They let you near their neck with a blade?” I’m a little shocked.

“Josie…seriously…you be mannerly to people and they’ll treat you entirely differently.”

“I am mannerly.”

He’s giving me this look.

I’m getting embarrassed. “Sorry…”

“You went to school here right?”

“Not here but in the city yeah.”

“So you know any of the black kids you went to school with?”

“Uhm….” God I’m really trying to think… “No…”

“You live around any black families?”

“No, not really….” I’m getting a little horrified at myself. “Oh crap I am being racist aren’t I?”

“A little I don’t think you are but it’s more like you’ve got stereotype programming, like most folks who learn about you and transitioning some of them might not have anything actually against you it’s just not part of their life to change pro-nouns. You’ve sort of got the same thing.”

I nod. “Okay so most of the stuff that I think about black people’s wrong?’

“Yes and no, there’s always going to be people that are going to strive to show off the worst of any stereotype. Sometimes it’s actually to see how others will react to it.”

“Huh?”

“You pass a bunch of rough looking characters and you act scared because of how they look they might act like asshats just because you actually pre-judged them. Or they’ll do those things to like I said to see how you’ll react.”

“Oh…so you?”

“Oh heck Josie I just try and treat people no matter what with the benefit of the doubt first and then I’ll adjust that once they show me if that needs to change or not.”

“I’m going to so have to work on that.”

“Good, I had to learn that myself too remember. And working on it is a long way to making things better way too many people are very secure in their Pete Seger’s”

“Pete Seger’s?”

“Little boxes?”

“Uhm I’m not following.”

I set down the last of the stuff he bought and it’s mostly hardware stuff though a lot of the tools are from the cheap dollar outlet store like the screwdrivers and stuff I’d buy them there too if I ever thought about them. Honestly I did take shop in high school but I hated it and they didn’t teach us a whole lot either. I don’t know the difference between screwdriver set’s other than the brands names. Or why there’s a big difference between a five dollar hammer and a forty dollar hammer other than the brands. I’m not in the trades for that so really…Actually I have a small hammer for pictures and a multi-bit screw driver and that’s it.

Ryan’s taken out an acoustic guitar from a case he had in the hall closet and takes the guitar out. And he starts to play this song called little boxes.

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same…

There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same

And there's doctors and lawyers
And business executives…
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family…
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

There's a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

I’m smiling because one I’ve never heard this song before and at the same time this really, really says stuff to me about how I kind of feel sometimes about life. He has this really good voice too and it’s light and soft and almost that kind of voice that you hear on some Brit guy singers.

I’m sort of smiling again looking at him and he set’s the guitar aside. “It’s pretty old and kind of a hippy song form way back but it’s been played a lot more since Weeds came out.”

“I don’t know what that is either.”

“It’s a TV show.”

“Oh…don’t really watch a lot of TV.”

“I don’t either but I kind of do too when I can afford stuff mostly now though I look at TV online and then go to that site for the network and watch things there or just get a feel for what’s on.”

“Oh…nope to that too. I just…usually I’m too busy or tired for that.”

He looks at me and nods. “So you’re not totally against TV then?”

“No…just like I said, busy or tired.” Actually it’s usually tired and I can’t stand to watch a lot of stuff and the stuff I do feel like watching well…like I said it takes a lot of energy sometimes just to get through my day on the outside world.

“So…”

“So…?”

“So it’s Saturday night…well evening.”

“I don’t really like Saturday night live anymore.”

“No…it has started to suck but I was thinking that you might want to watch The Doctor with me.”

I’m blinking a few times. “You watch The Doctor?”

“Bow ties are cool.” And oh my god if he didn’t do an impression to go with it and I…I can’t help it. I’ve suddenly got my hands over my mouth and I’m giggling.

And it’s such a shock that I’m crying right after it and shaking. Yeah someone treating me like this is sort of freaky.

Ryan comes over and slips his arm around my shoulder and he leads me into the kitchen. “C’mon Pond let’s get you fixed up and supper started.”

(Sniffle.) “No fish fingers and custard okay…and can I be Rose?” (Sniffle.)

“You can be Rose or Amelia or even Clara if you want.” He’s still doing the accent and it’s not bad actually.

(Sniffle.) “Who’s Clara?”

“Well we’d better start watching to get caught up then.”

(Sniffle.) “…. Okay.”

Ryan makes us leftovers from the food from last night. It’s corn bread little finger sandwiches with some of the beans and some hot fresh fried bacon on them too and a little squirt of BBQ sauce and he gets two bowls with baby carrots and another with chunks of celery and we carry it all into his living room which shares the wall with mine and he sets up his TV and his DVR and we end up sitting on his floor our back against the couch and the coffee table pulled close like two really lazy people and he starts up the shows.

I’ve never done this before in my life.

Ryan…he just shows up and he’s my friend? And yet he’s like a whirlwind…I almost think I should keep looking for a blue box.