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Part 1
by Bailey Summers
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One of the only real femme things is my face…I’m a strawberry blonde so kind of baby faced and I keep my hair long…but the rest of me is…I’m five ten, one seventy almost and got too much size…too much shoulder from working as a contractors helper for my step dad.
I hate my body.
And not really looking like a girl gave people plenty of ammo at school to make my life hell. Pushed, shoved, kicked from behind…spit on. Getting yelled at and accosted by the preachy kids, prank calls, online torture…then the last straw was getting jumped by a crowd of kids…I was lucky some good Samaritan had showed up with a baseball bat. But the teachers didn’t do a thing with the stuff in school and the cops with the swarming attack…
Yeah well why wasn’t I pulled out of school?
Image Credit: Girl in Sunset.
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday, 08/28/2012 - 06:58:53 AM.(-0400), Vanilla Sky was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers to enjoy. ~Sephrena
Part 1
It was hot and just the start of summer as I got off the plane in Halifax. I guess I should say that’s Halifax, Nova Scotia in Canada. I’m coming up for the summer and maybe longer depending on stuff home.
It’s getting pretty bad down home. That’s Atlanta, Georgia or it has been since I was nine and my parents split up. And before you get to thinking it, no I don’t have the accent. I should but I was just never able to pick it up.
The list of reasons for coming to see my Dad is pretty long and could be imaginary but really it’s not. I’m a male to female transgendered teen. Mom’s so not fucking thrilled about that and my Stepfather and step and half sibs think I’m a freak. Mom’s I don’t know pissed, beyond pissed at me. See I started with cross-dressing only when you’re trans and in the clothes you have to wear everyday well that’s when you’re cross-dressing. I was just so desperate to feel normal.
She wasn’t happy about that. Can’t blame her too much they were her clothes. I’ve got a step-sister and hers might have fit but I don’t really want to dress as a skank.
But my Stepfamily wanted the little pervert out of the house. My Stepfather just well he wasn’t violent he’s not that kind of guy but he’s very good at emotional warfare. It’s like he’s so good at it that me being trans is just he knew…it’s just exactly why I’m the way that I am. He can just look at you and send waves of disappointment into you. I never asked to be different, I didn’t want this. But to him of course I did.
I got found out or rather outed by my Step-siblings and soon it was through school and I went from this scary looking loner kid with the army jacket and the sunglasses and getting voted to most likely “Columbine” to being the freak that thinks he’s a girl.
One of the only real femme things is my face…I’m a strawberry blonde so kind of baby faced and I keep my hair long…but the rest of me is…I’m five ten, one seventy almost and got too much size…too much shoulder from working as a contractors helper for my step dad.
I hate my body.
And not really looking like a girl gave people plenty of ammo at school to make my life hell. Pushed, shoved, kicked from behind…spit on. Getting yelled at and accosted by the preachy kids, prank calls, online torture…then the last straw was getting jumped by a crowd of kids…I was lucky some good Samaritan had showed up with a baseball bat. But the teachers didn’t do a thing with the stuff in school and the cops with the swarming attack…
Yeah well why wasn’t I pulled out of school? Why wasn’t I seeing a shrink…exactly the attitude they had my fault, then my folks for not dealing with me. I was sent to a shrink and they wanted to lock me up for depression…anger…and skirted the whole thing of my GID.
Sorry I wasn’t going for a pun. And if you’re not the kind of guy that they can see being a fag or tranny then you’re crazy.
That led to drugs that left me in this haze of not being right there…? Like being covered in emotional cotton.
It was like I wasn’t a girl, don’t be fucking stupid look at you…you’ll just be a freak. Then the drugs were drowning out the girl inside and that’s when I took all of them and other pills…smoked a joint and took a hot bath with a chef’s knife from the kitchen and my stepfathers bottle of Johnny Walker.
Obviously it didn’t kill me but it was close…I still have the ECG paper where my heart stopped seven times before they got me stable.
That led to a month in the nuthouse but at least there the Doc took me off the stuff I was on and actually said I was transgendered.
It’s been two weeks since the official diagnosis and they did everything they could to pawn me off on my birth father as fast as I could be shipped off.
From Atlanta to NC then from there to here. I’m looking out the window and I wasn’t expecting the city to be that big. I mean I only kind of heard about it because my birth dad’s Canadian. But I always sort of thought of it as smaller…I don’t know like less or something?
It’s weird seeing all the trees though. We got them at home sure but you don’t see real woods this close to cities like this. It’s like nothing like I know. I have seen my birth dad in a long time too and he knows all of it, he knows everything that’s going on and…
I’ll never forget that he called…and he asked, not ordered but asked. “Samantha? Would you like to come home and live with me?”
It was huge because he used my name, the one I’ve used in therapy. Sean is the name I was born with. And he asked me. That was huge enough to get me to come.
We land and it’s really not a big airport, I get my bag from the overhead and get off the plane and look for my birth dad. I see him at the baggage area and there’s no mistaking it’s him. He looks like what I’ll have to look forward to growing up.
Tall six five and solid muscle but not a gym rat’s body but hard work, same hair as me but cut short, clean shaven in slacks and (eye roll) sneakers without socks and a clean t-shirt and his leather jacket. I remember the jacket he had that when he was living with us. Mom and him broke up when he had to come back here after his dad passed away. Literally coming home to work on and save the family farm.
Great…farm life…Just what I need hard work day in and day out to make me even bigger than I am now.
I walk up slowly and he’s getting my luggage. “Dad…”
He turns and looks at me…
He smiles. “Hey Samantha.”
Oh…to hear that? No hesitation, right off the bat. I’m trying not to choke up and cry then he’s there and wrapping his arms around me. I’m no good after that, I put my head into his chest and cry a bit.
Home…it was just me being a freak and…he’s.
“Why…?” (Sniffle)
“Because you’re my child and I have always loved you no matter what.”
“But I’m….”
“Not alone in what you’re going through…I have a computer honey, and an open mind…I can read.”
“But God says…”
“No…people say what God says and while not being religious honey I’d like to think he’s given me a daughter because I have more than enough love for my kid that your gender is a non issue.”
“Really?” (Sniffle.)
“Yeah, besides there’s trans people everywhere…so you don’t fit certain molds. At least you’re being you.”
“Dad…?”
“Yes Sam?”
“Thank you?”
“No problem…so….”
“So..?”
“How’d you like to go shopping…I’m going to bet my daughter doesn’t have her own clothes and stuff right?”
“No…just my boy stuff.”
“Okay, let’s go and we can get you things that you’re going to need.”
“Really?”
“Yes really.”
He takes my bags and leads me to the parking area and honestly I have to pinch myself twice. I mean this can’t be real right? I’m still in shock thought when he gets to the Car and he drives a Silverado hybrid? It look pretty new and it has a logo sign on it saying Vanilla Sky Winery?
“What’s that Dad?”
“Oh the name of the family farm.”
“Vanilla Sky?”
“Your Step mom’s idea.”
I stop and stare at him. He remarried? I didn’t know. “Oh…I never heard…I didn’t know…”
“I told your mother…we sent letters and stuff.”
“I got the present but never seen any of the letters…”
“Hmmm…yep, she wasn’t happy. I’ve got them saved though.”
“Can I read them?”
“Sure Kitten.”
“Kitten?”
“Too much?”
“No I’m just…this is not what I’ve been used to.”
“Yeah and honestly me too, it caught me flat footed but Lizzy got my head on straight.”
“Lizzy?”
“Your Step-mom.”
“Oh…you were freaked?”
“Yes.”
“Oh…”
“It’s a lot to take in Sam and the fact you had tried to kill yourself on top of that….”
“Sorry….”
“Good…you scared the hell out of me. Lizzy made me see a live daughters better than a miserable or dead son.”
“Sorry…”
“In the past, we’re going to try to just keep living and trying to be happy.”
“Okay…so you make wine?”
“We make wine and a bunch of things, we use mostly apples since we live in the valley.”
“The Valley?”
“Annapolis valley, it’s just shortened by pretty much everyone in the province to that.”
“Oh…good to know.”
“We started the vineyard because sometimes the market for apples can be iffy, so we went into apple wines, mixed fruit wines and some ciders and other things. We’re doing pretty good really after a few lean years.”
“Oh…cool?”
“I think so, it’s paid for your college fund.”
“I have a college fund?”
“Yes, we make too much for you to get a loan so…I’ve been putting money away since our grandfather started it.”
“Started what?”
“Your college fund. He had been saving since you were born and the tuition costs in the states and stuff being what they are…he died and I took it over and just kept adding to it.”
“Wow…I don’t remember him.”
“We got lots of time to learn the family ins and outs. Eve some videos.”
We stop and we’re at this pretty good sized place called the Mic-Mac-Mall? We head inside and start looking around and dad starts heading towards a place called Garage clothing and it’s for girls my age…hip…decent looking clothes and I’m staring at them and it’s so hard to move my feet…to take those steps inside…I mean look at me…I’m….
God I’m scared to death.
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Comments
Cool father
'nuff said.
Every time I read about folks who have physical barriers to passing I silently thank the Goddess for the relatively normal height and weight my Asian heritage affords me at least in the US and maybe northern China. Luckily taller women are more common now, even in Asia, what with better nutrition these days, especially in Korea, where I was treated just like any other woman at hotels and stuff on a trip I had to go on business. Oh I was taller than a lot of men, no doubt, but I must have looked liked a model or something ;-) *yes, I was being facetious*
Edit: Oh cool! Kim Ah Joong is 170cm tall no wonder I was not so noticed :)
Hopefully a bunch of T-blockers/hormones will reduce Sam's musculature to more reasonable levels for a woman for her height and weight. The latter, say about 150 pounds. Her proportions is always the problem and that may or may not change depending on the 'mones response.
Kim
Sam would be thrilled if she could look more
the way that she feels inside. Things are going to be very, very different than anything she's used to.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Yay!
There's a new Bailey story up. (Or pfui, Bailey will be spread even thinner. :) ). Better yet, this one's in the Valley (even if they're still over an hour away). Try not to make me too homesick, please.
I love the Valley too Miranda:)
I'll try not to make you feel too homesick.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
It takes time
for us to realize and accept what we are. It takes time too, for others to do the same. Samantha's father had that time before they met to work though the process. Better a live daughter than a dead son, indeed.
There is hope here.
Thanks Bailey!
hugs
Grover
Thanks Grover and You're right...
Her dad had time to get things straight in his head and his heart. He wants a live daughter more than a dead son. He's seen the records of Sam's institutional stay. He knows she needs the hope.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
YET ANOTHER STORY?
Are you mad?
P.S. blink if you can't speak. Is your muse holding you hostage? Forcing you to write?
-- grin --
Damn but you are prolific and good.
Sad to say I have seen the step parent/the hell with the kids from the first marriage crap before.
A school friend of mine and his sister were adoptees as the mom was barren.
Then she died of cancer.
Once the new mom had a couple kids... Hasta la Vista to the adoptees.
Amazing what you can make a dad do when you hold his dic*.
-- snicker --
But yeah, this sounds like another good, sad, but interesting tale.
Got a hint birth womb was a rather religious woman and thus saw sin and sinner in her confused son. Clearly they gave him/her no real help. Once they where informed what his real problem was they wanted the abomination out of their happy home ASAP.
Bastar*s.
Eagar to meet the step mom. Why did she persuade birth dad to take the child in? Is SHE TG? Family member TG or just a very tolerant soul?
That birth mom prevented/intercepted -- hum, isn't interfering with the mail a crime? -- correspondence is cruel but understandable.
To be honest unless they change our hero/heroine is well worth to be rid of them that toxic family.
As much as I hate to see people hurt, I sure hope the step kids implode. Would serve the self righteous parents to have the *chosen ones* turn out to be the real sinners, not the gender confused first child.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
It would b a nice twist if
Sam's stepshit's kids find out about the college fund and get pissy jealous about their freak step sister getting a free ride... they deserve a big fat zero for outing Sam... and the bio scunt mom, when she realizes that her kid has a better life then she could or was willing to supply. Sam is on her first steps in a real journey and i wish her nothing but happiness.
Diana
Sam's a good kid but that might be something she'd do
once she got some confidence. It'd be some nice living well vengeance.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
The Mom's pretty right wing and the step dad is too.
She wants her child to be normal and Sam being TG is like a blot on her and her life. She's one of those...God made you a boy so straighten up and fly right. She's already making stuff up so Sam isn't her fault.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Great Start, Bailey
Girl, your talent simply astounds me. This story looks like it is going to be really good.
Joani
Thanks Joani
I'm hoping that'd it be a good one.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I Like
Kudos on a great start to your next story. Now on to chapter 2
HUGS RICHIE2
It's coming:)
Thanks so much for reading and commenting Richie2.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
" a live daughters better than a miserable or dead son.â€
darn straight. I think I'm going to really like this one. Nice to see a supportive Dad.
And a supportive Step-mom too. Some parents want to...
get things right and care for their kids no matter what.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
5' 10"..
there are all sizes of women, time will tell what hormones and targeted work outs will do.
a supportive family always a help.
interesting start, thanks
There are all different sizes but there's also...
the dreaded beast of teen media body image and that's something Sam's been hit with. She'd love for some change...anything to be more who she really is.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Truth to be said you astound me.
Your talent and depth stun me right past wow straight into Joy.
Another great story start, that I will be following rain, shine, earth quake, or Tsunami. Love your stories again thanks for your sharing.
Huggles
Misha
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Thanks Wolfness I'm glad you liked this:)
There's more coming soon.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I love How This Is Starting
I see a lot of potential for some wonderful things. Hopefully, we will meet his stepmother soon. I'll bet she's just as nice as she's been made out to be. She might be wiser than we realize.
Portia
The step-mom will be see soon:)
I'm really glad that you liked this Portia. I'd like to show maybe a little bit of Nova Scotia in this story.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Happy now
I've always liked vanilla as an ice cream and soft drink flavour (mmmmm... cream soda) and the trend continued here! I wasn't sure where this was going given the tag cautions but in the end... happy tears. *sniffle*
Okay, you made a happy one so you're forgiven for the angst in Angel and Jenna's life now. ;-)
*hugs*
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Thanks Jemima:)
Vanilla's a great flavor but scent too and there's something clean about it...more on that though later. I'm glad this had a pick me up quality to it.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Ooohhh
To have a tenth of the Bailey talent !!
someone up further said prolific ...that's not the half of it, the talent to put it down and get peopel to read and feel for the characters is the real thing
Just as always Bailey Girl you have captured so many of us
Love and Hugs
Dani
Danielle_O
"Life is pain, Princess ~ anyone telling you different is trying to sell you something."
Thanks Danielle:)
It's really good to see you on here and commenting, heck just being on here is nice given the stuff you've been through and are going through. I'm blushing from the praise honey but I'm really glad that you enjoyed this. I want Sam to feel real for people, relatable.
*Love and Super Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
great
bailey, what a great start to a new story. i love most of your offerings. a few slip through the cracks. i am amazed at the the work it requires to keep all these stories going at the same time. keep up the good work.
robert
Thanks so much RJ:)
I'm really glad that you have been enjoying the stuff I've been writing and the time and care to comment is always appreciated.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
To be who we are, Bailey, as you well know, is why we
go through the rlt on hormones, and being a girl full time. This is why it is called a journey. But the journey only begins with the rlt and the hormones, and it goes on and on until we die. The journey we take to be ourselves is fraught with dangers, disappointment, sadness, loneliness. It is only when we have support do we see ourselves as we are.
Samantha is lucky to have an accepting father who would rather have a live daughter than an unhappy or dead son.
You wrote this from the heart I can tell. Thank you for sharing.
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
Thanks Barbara:)
There's a lot of a lot of my TG friends, Sisters and My Beloved in the stories I try and write even some of the out of standard perspective ones. There's a lot of voices out there to be heard and stories to get told and I'm just honored that I can add a voice.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Vanilla Sky...Part one.
Good start
++++++++++++
Cartman: A fine day of plundering we had boys. What about yourselves? Here you are lads, plenty of booty to go around. A round of grog for me boys. A round of grog for everyone!
Thanks Grog:)
Much appreciated.
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Okay, I'm hooked!
My first thought? Bailey, ANOTHER story?? Second thought? Damn, this is good!
Excellent start! I can't wait to see how things change for her. What's the cool stepmom really like? Will we see more of the idiot Mom and selfish Step-dad? How about the skanky step-sister?
Will she be accepted in her new life? I was SO impressed with his Dad, but will he stay that cool?
Can't wait for more!
Wren
Yes another story:)
Some ideas are just to in my brain to leave them be:)
More is coming!
*Big Hugz*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
O.O another Bailey story.
Ah Bailey what am I going to do you have so many stories running along with the other great authors on the site, can I just be a hermit and read all day. One thing I do know I will have to buy some serious pallets of tissue for happy and sad cries before this is over. Smiles, Jenn.
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Thanks Jenn C. so much:)
I'm really glad that you had a chance to read this and that you enjoyed it so much:) The comments really do mean a lot and help me keep writing.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Sorry, couldn't read much of this
I really like your writing, but this is just too close to a painful part of my life, so I had to stop.
In grade and high school, I was the kid that wasn't. Being the tiny short runt with a goofy smile made it easy to overlook me. And because of the bullies, disappearing, and being invisible was a survival tactic.
It's funny because in grade school, I was speedy, coordinated and loved softball. I could outhit any of the other kids. From the eighth grade to my freshman year, everyone else shot up, bulked up and got meaner. I was sometimes as much as a foot shorter than even the girls. So, football, basket ball, and especially wrestling were just OUT for me. Gymnastics were interesting because it was so easy and so fun! I just pissed off the jock coach because I could go up a rope clear to the ceiling, way up there and come down like a monkey, but his big, strong, mean, aggressive wonder boys couldn't even get half way up there. I was asked to go out for the varsity Gymnastics team, but by then bullying by my father and everyone else in my life... I was too frightened.
In those days, you were male or female. Intersexed children were ignored or murdered.
That's okay Gwen:)
I'm glad that you enjoy my stories and there's a whole lot of people here that have really been through so much. I'm constantly amazed at the strength I get to see here.
*Great Big HUGS!*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Hugs
I love
"But God says…â€
“No…people say what God says"
Thank you for my sunday read:)
God has no religion Gandhi
Love and Hugs Hanna
Love And Hugs Hanna
((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))
Blessed Be
Thanks Hanna:)
I loved your quote and the line you tossed in there at the end.
*Love and Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Yep
Hooked. Had me crying and I don't do that easily.
Good beginning
Sadly what a lot of trans go through at the beginning and some never make it.
This is in my history file now and I'll come back to it later to read some more. It's a little after three AM and I'm toast.
Hugs hon
Life is a gift. Treasure it until it is time to return it
always,
Barb
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Just who are the crazy people?
Sean wanting to be a girl must mean he's crazy, so let's dope him up and that will fix him. That seems to be the mothers' answer to keeping her face clean. And lock him away while you're at it, that too will straighten him out.
Yeah, that straightened him out. It straightened him out so much that he attempted suicide. Talk about a cry for help. And what did the family do? Ship him off to his dad as fast as they could.
After dad entered the scene, it's safe to say Sam is in better hands than with the thing that bore him.
That family, the school, and police should have a get together in court and explain why they let Sean be attacked as he was. Then take every penny they all have. After all, together, their inaction endangered Sean.
Others have feelings too.
In high school I got duck
In high school I got duck taped to a spine bored and beaten with baseball bats