Vanilla Sky…Part two.

I’m breathing a bit rapidly and shallowly as I’m looking at the store. I’m almost frozen in I don’t know fear… from going inside.

“Kitten?”

“Dad…? What do I do dad?”

“Just calm down and breathe it’s okay.”

I’m sort of whining. “Okay…look at me I can’t go in there…”

He turns me to look at him and stares in my eyes and then all over. “You’re right. Come on.”

“Where?”

“The salon.”

“What?”

“Samantha, you’re right kitten but it’ll be a lot easier on you and the store girls if they get that you’re in transition.”

“But…just…just telling people…letting them know?”

Oh god I’m not just scared but I feel sorta sick too. He kisses my forehead and we’re getting looks then he goes inside. I know I’m getting more looks as I’m sort of pacing and fidgeting.

I can hear him.

“Hi.”

“Hello can we help you today sir?”

“Well that all depends, what’s the policy here with LGBT customers?”

“It doesn’t matter here, we try and treat everyone the same.”

“I’ve a teen daughter that’s just starting to transition and she’s really nervous and scared.”

“It’s not easy coming out, I can tell you that much from personal experience.”

“Oh?”

“Tell her it’s fine, we’ll be gentle.”

I’m sort of pacing and sort of watching and I see her waving at me and smiling…I can’t help it I’m hugging myself a little and I’m scared because this is getting very, very real. Dad comes out and looks at me.

“She said she’d be gentle Sam.”

“I know…I heard you guys….You outed me…sorta…”

“No…I was asking as your dad if they’d be cool with you before you set foot one into a place that isn’t as cool as thee people are…And now I’m walking you inside and paying for your first make over.”

“I’m scared…I don’t want to look stupid or like some gay boy.”

“Well kitten we’ll tell her that and see what you want and what the can do okay?”

(|Sniffle.) “’Kay”

Dad…

Most dad’s wouldn’t walk into a place like a salon and they’d never have done stuff like what he’s done. Heck my Step-father wouldn’t even go in where mom goes to wait. He’d look at me like I did something wrong when I would.

Big Failure of the whole male-tests he’d put me through.

Oh course I failed them, I’m a girl.

I’m a girl…I’m a girl…I’m a girl…I’m almost mentally chanting it in my head like a strength mantra.

“Samantha? Hi I’m Lori, I’m going to take really good care of you okay sweetie?”

There’s times I get sick of getting treated with kid gloves, they did that a lot after my suicide attempt but I’m kind of glad she’s doing what she’s doing…taking off my jacket and then taking me out back behind the partition where they have he tanning stuff and waxing and stuff.

“First things first honey you’ll style a lot better once we get you feeling better, no more hiding as a boy with some of the fun stuff.”

“Fun stuff?”

“Lets get you waxed and smoothed and do the stuff that you’ve been missing.”

“My Step-dad in the states would have flipped out if he knew I’d tweezed or shave my armpits even.”

“Uh-uh, it’s here too some honey. My dad’s pretty cool too like yours but still uneasy with how to be around me. My mother…she just can’t wrap her head around how I can like girls.”

“I was born up here but I grew up mostly in Atlanta…you have to really be in the LGBT community there to be safe…the stereotypes are really justified down there especially with my school and my family.”

“Your mom wasn’t cool about it?” She’s measuring me as we’re talking and writing stuff down on a notepad.

“No, I’m not sure if it’s me being like this is making her look bad with her friends and stuff or that she’s all sort of one of those born again Christians since marrying my stepfather.”

“I take it he wasn’t cool with it?”

“No…not at all…my unmanliness I think was an insult to his presence or something.”

“Oh…, Yeah no shortage of assholes honey you just have to hang on…people are getting better…they’re caring a lot less about this stuff. Okay hon I’ll be right back…hey Lisa make Samantha a tea!”

This black girl with really long hair makes me a tea and I’ve never had chamomile tea before and I’m so not used to being in a place where I sound normal. Well not normal it’s just they don’t really have an accent here.

They don’t say eh all the time or hoser or aboot either. Gawd the used to tease me home about being half Canadian.

And in school it even got mixed up with me being outed. Socialist? Queernadian, Go back to Canuckistan, Get back to Canada where you queers belong…

We actually had a Youth of America Tea Party at my school. Oh no LGBT there not really but we had them.

I gotta admit though someone called me an Eski-Spic once that was inventive.

There’s nothing like that going on here. No one’s looking at me funny…no one’s being an asshole to me or to Lisa.

And the tea is really helping.

Lori give her paper off the notepad to dad and they talk a minute and then she’s back.

“Okay first thing’s first we get you out of those clothes and get started. Here’s a robe.”

Thank god I’m not getting like totally naked she even has a changing area. Yes I’m wearing panties…plain white cotton ones utility panties that I bought at my layover in New York.

As scared as I am being naked with it flopping out would be horrible and wearing boy shorts would have just felt so wrong.

I step out. “Ready…?”

“Okay the first step to is getting some of that boy you’re wearing off.”

“Okay like…”

“Body hair.”

“Oh…”

God my heart feels like a hummingbird…getting smooth…

Lori takes her time and she’s good. Well I think she’s good and she uses wax and some creams and stuff and we even shave my armpits and she does my eyebrows.

The feelings, the smoothness the smells just sort of balm my heart…I feel so much better like this…so much more me than that and it just gets getter.

Dad came back with some bags.

“Here you go girls, I’ll be out in the waiting area.”

Huh?

“Uhm okay Dad…”

Lori takes out clothes from the bags and underwear, a bra and gel inserts….

“I…oh…”

“Good man your dad, there’s no point getting me to try and do your hair without you looking the way you really should honey. And he said you were scared o go into the stores right?”

“Yeah…I…It just felt like I wasn’t allowed to go in there because of…” I just gesture at myself…”

“Hey, being a girl’s in you’re head…it’s in your soul not part of your biology Sam.”

“But…”

“Oh but nothing honey, I have genetic women in here that are broad in the shoulders or hairy as a gorilla they’re still women.”

“Yeah born women.”

“So were you Samantha.”

“Lori?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you so good with this? I though Lesbians had problems with t-girls?”

“Not me, there’s eve a couple of decent drag-clubs here in Halifax, the LGBT scene here isn’t huge and why there are some militant types that are so pissed they have a period they hate everything male they’re not the majority. We all hang out together and we all try to get along.”

“Oh…”

She doesn’t get me dressed right away instead we get my nails done just a mani-pedi which was over the moon good and she shampoos and conditions my hair while their drying.

Oh…a real shampoo job, with the hands running through my hair, doing stuff to my scalp…the rinse, the conditioning…I swear I can feel these soul toxins washing away…I had to battle had home to keep my hair long…

They had threatened to chop it off several times. If they did…I honestly think I would’ve walked into traffic or something.

She even shows me how to wrap it in the girl towel turban.

It means so much really. Even that.

It’s like I’ve gone from being me and locked out of a world I was supposed to belong to into this whole other world where they’re holding the door open for me and saying come on in little sister.

I’m wiping tears away.

Happy tears.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had happy tears since…well since I knew the difference between boys and girls and was so sure something was wrong…

The clothes are next and there’s a expensive pair of panties and bra. They’re really nice but tight too in this kind of stretchy fabric way. I tuck and they hold me in really well! There’s that just so kind of little bulge that a lot of girls have naturally anyway.

Gosh…looking in the mirror I see…I see me and I’m so glad I’m not wearing make up because it’d be wrecked.

The gel inserts are next and okay it sort of sounds ick but Lori actually uses a bit of denture adhesive gel in the center and apparently once in the bra up against me for awhile they’ll hold okay. If the bra is off they won’t stay in place but she says some of the drag queens use it too because tape and real glue’s hard on the skin.

I never heard of it and we get them in and settled after I slip the bra on. I actually don’t have a hard time with that. I’ve worn enough of mom’s that its easy. I’m wearing a 26B cup and they’re flesh toned and by the time I’m all in.

“Oh…oh Lori…”

“Hey Samantha, great to see you.”

“It…It…it’s good to be seen…?”

I stare in the mirror sort of shaking from all of this and it takes actually some effort to tear myself away from the mirror.

The clothes are next…just jeans flared ones and they have some pretty wildflowers embroidered on them here and there. They’re really pretty and I slip them on and they’re a bit off but not badly off…tight on my waist, a bit loose in the back and on my hips but they fit…not typical teen girl skin hugging but they fit.

And the right style of crotch resting against me in my panties just pushes home the right shape and the feeling of the right shape. Snug…and nothing just gross and …..gross…you ever have one of those skin tag things that sort of just hang off you like a freaky ugly wart thing…that’s what I’ve had all my life growing like this…this thing…and like cancer it’s stolen away my life…Dammit I never wanted this, never wanted to be a boy…I don’t hate them…I’m not like that but just…It’s not me…It’s never been me.

I’m shaking and crying and I must’ve looked like an idiot there in my bra and hugging myself with a hand over my flatness.

Lori walks me over to a seat and sits beside me. “I don’t get it, I can see the way this means to you but…I’ve always been good with being a girl…I can’t imagine what it’s like…”

(Sniffle.) “Sorry…I’m okay it’s just this was not something I…something I thought that I’d ever have…”

“You’re going to go all the way with this huh?”

“If I can…as soon as I can…”

“You’re Dad will get you there I haven’t seen many guys like him.”

“I barely know him mom got custody.”

“But he’s here and he’s trying.”

(Sniffle) “Yeah…”

“C’mon let’s get that top on and we can get you into a chair finally.”

“Okay…”

The top’s nothing really special either but it is too I mean it’s mine like the jeans. It’s a grey long-sleeved tee with a rose decal down the left side and it has girlish ruffle cut cuffs.

It is scoop necked a little and it sort of shows off my bra a bit…the long sleeves make my too big shoulders seem not so bad and even the nail polish helps.

I can see all these things I hate but they’re all being overshadowed by well by me…

Lori takes me out to her chair and she gives me a haircut…just an inch here and there but a really easy to manage girl style that fits me…bangs and just a little wavy in here and there.

I’m hugging them all and Dad pays with his credit card and gives me another bag with these velcro and nylon sandals that match my nails. I hug him hard and hang on to him for awhile.

“Thanks Daddy…”

“No problem Kitten.”

He holds me awhile longer and he looks at me. “So are you done in for the day, or can we go shopping.”

“I…we…we can go shopping I guess.”

He takes my arm and we head off into the mall to go look at least at stuff in the stores. I have…I’ve never felt this happy or this scared. Even after all the stuff this morning…I’m scared it’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me but there’s a huge part of me afraid to go into some of these stores where everything’s so pretty including the sales staff.

I’m afraid to even touch these things…it’s so scary in the higher end places because it’s like that or even the stores set up for my generation. I buy a few things looking at dad each time if it’s okay he nods.

“Sam, don’t worry about how much it costs.”

“But it’s, this is a lot of money.”

“It’s stuff you need honey, it’s just stuff yeah but it’s stuff you never got to have.”

“You…don’t have to make up for stuff dad…it’s…it’s okay.”

“Well…how about if you’d be making me happy?”

“Dad…” I cross my arms at him. He gestures at me smiling.

“That’s my girl.”

I’d just slipped right into it…oh…

I’m blushing both and smiling a bit at that. But I keep getting things…dad get’s me things too…cheap but fun costume jewelry stuff…the stuff we all sort of get or have wanted to at those mall kiosks.

He bought me an I-pod and an I-pad and my own laptop and a smartphone while he was at it…

“Dad! No, that’s…”

“Claimable both for your education honey and for the farm…he holds up a different credit card.”

“Oh…”

“Yep and I get a deal on the phones since we use there for the farm anyway.”

“Oh…cool…Frank never told me about his contracting business.”

“Well you’ll need to learn to help out, the farms a family business.”

“I will…”

“What is it Kitten?”

“I’m scared of getting bigger…like with all the farm work and everything.”

“Well I’m sure I can use you in the office and a half dozen other places.”

“Office?”

“You’ll see.”

We shop for a few more hours actually and the bigger department stores are easier for me in a way. Wow women’s clothes at The Bay are pretty expensive but it was more looking and me getting modest clothes that fit me…The changing rooms are scary…I…the though of cameras maybe makes me almost sick but I got through it. We even went to Toys ’R Us…I’m a little too old for toys and stuffies and Barbies but he gets me stuff anyways. It just makes me smile.

But I did notice dad buying school supplies for an army, and clothes for kids when we were at Zeller? Zellers…yeah that’s it and even some toy and sports stuff.

It took nearly an hour to pack and repack the truck.

“You hungry Kitten or can you wait until we get home. There’s going to be a big feed on and everything.”

“A Party?”

“Yes, no…you’re coming home so it’s a big deal but we try to do this not just for our immediate family but for other things.”

“Like?”

“We’ve staff that live on the farm, there’s birthdays and getting into the next grade and all those things.”

“Oh…no…I can wait…might be better with my nerves and everything today.”

“Okay.”

We leave Halifax/Dartmouth I guess that’s what they call it actually and head out on the highway. Instead of the interstate it’s called the Trans-Canada highway and I’m watching stuff as we go it’s a nice drive and there’s no where near the kind of traffic that I’m used to.

Dad’s got the radio on and he listens to this rock and roll station with some new stuff but mostly sort of semi older stuff. I don’t really know all the bands and stuff but I like the music. Home there’s a lot of country…not my choice but rap and hip hop is popular too…I’m not crazy about those either.

I guess I like pop, and some rock, a little grunge and some metal…some. The metal heads and rappers and the twangers all kind of are an intolerant bunch when it comes to people like me. I guess we offend their machoness.

I like Dido and Adele, Amy Winehouse and Katie Perry a bit. Red hot chili peppers, Greenday…stuff like that.

It doesn’t take long at all really to get to Wolfville…it’s just about sixty or seventy miles away and it’s really sort of déjá  vu. I lived around here when I was little so I kind of recognize things.

It…it might be okay to live here…it’s a university town home to Acadia University there’s enough here that you get a lot more going on than in a lot of towns this size and that might be good right?

We come in and go through town slowly then actually leave heading down main street until we leave town and it becomes the Evangeline tail heading out towards Grand Pre. We actually head out on something named the Old Post Road and five minutes later we’re pulling in.

There’s white painted fencing along the front of the property and we drive down a long dirt driveway. There’s goats in the fenced off areas and some small but long barns back along the edge of the pastures.

The main house is really big with three floors and a wrap around porch and a nice flower garden around it and then there’s the yard like a great big dirt parking lot set behind the house and there’s two huge but really nice looking wooden barns all stained and looking really classy? There’s another building with a more sort of modern barn look and an old sign with a this simple dusty yellow sign with white letters saying Vanilla Sky dairy? Then there’s a smaller building like a pre-fab home with a sign saying “office.” and several mini-homes or like trailers along one side of the parking area opposite the dairy place actually…I see also a really nice little playground jungle gym set up and picnic tables and people.

Indians (Native Americans.) and Mexicans and Asians?

“Dad? Who are they?” I’m not racist not really, I try not to act like that but the Natives well I can see there’s reservations I think near her but the others?

“Oh, like I said we’ve got people that live here. We get really busy around harvest and need the help and afterwards too so we helped get them work visas then their citizenships.”

“Not being…but why not locals?”

“Not enough interest, a lot of the kids won’t do it now and some just won’t bother so they’ve been bringing in migrants for awhile now in peak seasons here. I’ve got enough work that they can stay and give them a better shot at things. The Latinos came first in over from the states and the Phillpino‘s just in the last two years.”

“Oh…I’m sorry about not wanting to do farm work dad…I guess I’m kinda selfish that way.”

“No kiddo, the fact is a lot of it’s a generation thing, I didn’t want to work here either when I was your age or even come back here when I was younger. When your grandfather got sick and I had to come home I was kind of getting really sick of things down in Atlanta.”

“Mom said, she hated it up here.”

“I thought she’d come around but she never wanted to come back here.”

“How’d she end up here anyway?”

“She came up with me. She was in New Jersey visiting relatives one summer getting out of Atlanta and away with her family and I was down with a crew from Bragg’s.”

“Bragg’s?”

“Blueberries and other stuff they’re the biggest producer and handler of blueberries in Canada but we’d get a lot of our berries from the U.S.”

“Oh…so you two met over then?”

“Yeah and we did the long distance thing for two years and when I graduated college I went down and got a job and helped put her through school and she ended up getting hired up in Truro hospital through one of your grandmothers friends.”

“But she really never liked it up here.”

“Yeah…I think I missed it though…some stuff’s sort of familiar.”

We get out and I’m hit with smells that are just…good but odd and there’s a huge spread and close to thirty people.

Then there’s this woman coming over tall for a woman with long brown hair tied back out of the way and mixed skin, she looks Native American but half? Light skinned…but just stunning…jeans, t-shirt from what looks like a local beer company something called Alpine? Sneakers and these huge amazing chocolate or coffee brown eyes. And she’s not some waif Pocahontas wanna-be either…big full breasts, a little extra weight not much and pretty wide hips but they all fit her tall frame.”

“Hi you must be Samantha right?”

“Uhm…yes…yes Ma’am.”

“I’m Liz.”

“Hi….”

She looks at me and she just walks over like I’ve only been gone a short while instead of like forever.

Her smile goes right into her eyes.

Then she hugs me. “Welcome home Sam.”

There’s just so much mom coming off of her that I can’t help it…I’m shaking because it feels like forever since I’ve felt this. I start tearing up and she does too and then like just…I don’t know…we’re wiping tears and smiling and sniffling.

“Thank you…it feels good to have a home…”

Vanilla Sky…part three.

I’m not used to getting this kind of feeling from people. Especially from people that know about me. And Liz…my…stepmother…is just so amazing…and scary too. I meant what I said it’s nice to feel like I’ve got someplace now.

I don’t want to be stiff and rigid but I don’t know anyone here and I’m dressed as a girl, well the girl that I’m supposed to have been.

Lizzy looks at me and gives me a soft smile. “It’s okay, they’re all as nervous as you are.”

“They are?”

“Hey, yeah you’re the bosses daughter.”

“I am…oh damn…”

She laughs and has such a nice and easy smile. “It’ll be okay breathe, once we get stuff going and some music playing things’ll relax.”

Dad’s following us and he gets a big plastic cup of ice and he pour canned coconut water in it with something called ginger beef and heads to the grill area. I take a look at one of the bottles and there’s no alcohol in it. Maybe it’s something he’s picked up from the Phillpino’s here?

Lots of food and people, salads and potato salads and I’m….

I look at Lizzy. “Can I help? I’d feel too nervous just sitting here.”

“Gotcha, sure we got through a lot of stuff at these things and you can help me make dessert.”

“Dessert?”

“Oh nothing fancy just cheesecake shortcakes.”

“Okay but I’ve never really baked or cooked.”

“They’re non-baked.”

She takes me over to the back door? Of the main house and there’s this coat/mud room? There’s an open closet and a big rack to put boots on and even a bench to sit and put things on and off on with a nice ceramic tile floor. Makes sense if you’re running a farm. I wipe my feet on the mat there just in case and look for a place too sit.

“Oh don’t worry about you feet kiddo the yards pretty clean and we don’t worry about it when we’re putting a to do on we just clean up later.”

“Oh I just thought…”

“Yeah we do and we usually have a set of indoor shoes and an outside pair but we’ll just have too much traffic here today.”

“Uhm okay.”

She leads me up three steps that keep this room from the rest of the house and to my right there’s this big room that has washers and dryers three of each and a sink for stuff and a bench with a clothesline that comes into the house? On the opposite wall to the laundry stuff has to be a larder it’s all these shelves built into the wall full of canned goods and dry goods and preserves and baskets here and there full of things like potatoes, turnips, and other veggies and lots of apples.

Part of the hall leads to other parts of the house but just turning right leads me into this huge country kitchen. You know the really old ones where the longest wall ad part of the other wall is counter space with cupboards above and below it. There’s really modern looking appliances and some older looking ones and a big table instead of where most modern homes would have an island.

And the smells.

Mom wasn’t a bad cook, but this was like going to my Step-dad’s parents place with all those home cooking smells. Lizzy gets me an apron and we start baking. I’ve never done this before…mom and my step-dad would’ve freaked and “boys” weren’t allowed to take home ec. in my school.

Shortcakes the way they make them here is my first lesson. All I knew was those yellow store bought sponge cake twinkie mutation things. Lizzy shows me how to make these sweet biscuit things. Now in know overseas a biscuit’s a cookie or something but here it’s more like bread but more like a pastry thing?

We take five cups of self rising flour and add two cups of cake flour to it and two table spoons of baking powder and one of baking soda and a cup of white sugar. Then we have a liter or a quart of room temperature milk and mix the two and add in a teaspoon of vanilla extract and grate on a cheese grater half a pound of real butter. Then you fold the stuff together and not a whole lot because biscuits get tough if you over mix them and you still want the butter in those bits and not creamed into the dough. Then we tip it out onto the table after putting flour down on it and kind of pat it or roll it into a big flatter shape about an inch thick. Then we cut them out with a big water glass.

Okay it’s really cool to watch them bake, apparently the baking powder and soda start working and the gas from it makes them fluffy but it’s the water content in the butter escaping as it cooks and melts that makes them really get fluffy.

It’s like learning magic to me. And they’re sweet too not really sweet just like kind of a really sweet bready thing but flaky.

I’m more interested in the cooking than the eating. I swear if I let myself I’d be a balloon here. I’m too damn boyish and huge now. But baking, in my new clothes and my hair and everything and getting called Sam all the time I’m floating.

The cheesecake’s nowhere near as intimidating as I thought. Lizzy shows me how to make her no fail super cheesecake. It’s a full quart of whipping cream and a cup of sugar, the juice of one lemon and two half pound sticks of cream cheese. And all we do it use the icing beater on the mixer stand thing and mix it until the whipping cream becomes whipped cream. The cream cheese and the lemon juice gives it that tart kick with the sweet. It’s so not hard to do except you have to start it fast because of the lemon juice and the cream you shouldn’t let it sit and not whip it too long or the whipped cream becomes butter instead.

We have toppings for it that aren’t just strawberries but blueberries too and because we’re here she makes or has made this stuff that’s like apple pie filling with huge chunks in it of apples.

And she makes jello-sagna?

It’s the cheesecake stuff with three different kinds of Jell-O made into these cookie sheets that have cling wrap on them. Orange, Cherry and Lemon. She cut’s then on the sheets into cubes and folds them all together and it all goes into a big Tupperware rectangular dish with the graham cracker crumb stuff regular cheesecake has. She makes it really thick and puts it and the rest of the cheesecake stuff in the fridge to set.

I’m learning so much, and it’s girl stuff.

“C’mon Sam let’s get touched up before we got out to eat.”

“Uhm…okay…”

I head down the hall to the first floor bathroom and it’s two girls doing just a bit of primp and touch up and Lizzy shows me how.

“Thank, just…thanks so much this…you’ve been really good to me.”

“Sam…it’s no problem it doesn’t cost people to be decent to others.”

“Not where I come from.”

“I know, your dad told me.”

“I…I don’t think I’d have made it.”

“Hey, don’t say that you’re stronger than you can imagine.”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are, you’re a woman and we’re made to be that strong.”

“Maybe…”

She turns my head to look at her instead oh it hanging down. “You’re a girl right?”

“Y..yes…”

“Then it’s true.”

“Is it I wasn’t born a girl.”

“And there’s some women that weren’t born girls either despite their genes. I grew up with a girl like that and yeah she’s married with kids and a husband but she’s still not really a girl and she doesn’t act like one.”

“Oh so she’s?”

“My cousin Mel, and she’s not transgendered but she’s just fe-MALE.” She sort of said it hyphenated with that emphasis.

“Huh?”

“She’s straight, she’s female, but she’s one of the most stand up guys I know with breasts and a vagina.”

“Huh?”

“She’s just Mel, and you should just be Samantha. Don’t worry about stereotypes or labels even the LGBTQ ones just be Samantha and everything will work out.”

“But how do you know it’ll work out?”

“I don’t but you don’t know that it won’t work out so hurting and worrying and wondering if it will take time and energy and joy from the times when you could just be you.”

“But what if people don’t like me?”

“So, there’ll be lots of people that don’t like you. There’s lots of people that never liked me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m native….I’m a dirty Indian, wagon burner, ect. And I married your dad which pissed off some locals that though he should’ve married white and your dad’s got people mad at him for marrying me, it’s a tax thing and he brought in the workers and moved them in which some people didn’t like. Sam…there’s always going to be assholes, I learned if I let them and the people threatened by my happiness have their say and their way I’d be back home in Millbrook either in a shitty relationship, in a shitty job, a drunk or on drugs or all of the above. I decided a long time ago that I’m worth it, and so are you.”

“I am…” (Sniffle)

“Yes, oh god yes honey. You’re a girl…but so what you were born a boy. It’s a blessing.”

I choke sob a bit incredulous…. “A Blessing!?”

“Samantha…some people are born exactly what they are, some are deer or foxes or birds but you honey, you get to be a butterfly…you are actually able to transition and do it aware that you’re doing it…you’re not just a butterfly honey, but you’re a butterfly that’s able to paint her own wings.”

I…

Oh…

I…

“I can be who I want….?”

“Yes honey, of course you can!”

I lose it.

No one has said that to me, oh sure the doctors are all clinical and gender identity this and transgendered that but. To have someone tell me that it’s not a disorder, not a bad thing but…

That I can paint my own wings…..

I hug Lizzy and I happy bawl my eyes out on her shoulder.

And she moves us so she’s sitting on the edge of the tub there and pulls me onto her lap like I’m twelve and she holds me tight and rocks me as I cry.

“That’s it, that’s my girl…let those out. We need the happy sweet tears to wash the painful ones away. There we go, lets get your heart clean.”

I cry another good ten minutes before I’m done and I swear I feel like my head’s lighter. Like there was this weight tied there with a too tight headband that got taken off.

(Sniffle.) “Thank you…hank you so much.”

“Hey it’s okay…lets get you fixed up again and go eat.”

“Okay, I could eat, but I don’t want to get fat.”

“I get that, but don’t obsess about that either, we’ll have lots of time to get Samantha free and clear from the old you that you were hiding as.”

“But…”

“Tell you what, we’ll work on it together…not lose a pile of weight but get healthy.”

“Okay….but…” I’m looking outside.

“This is a special occasion, and we can splurge on these time because we’re feeding our hearts as much as our selves.”

I nod, biting my lip and smiling a little after that. “You’re the most upbeat person I’ve ever met.”

“Had to be, we all should be because like I’ve been saying Sam. Life’s hard enough on all of us we don’t need to give it any help.”

“I…I want to learn that…”

“Well come on.”

I head out with her and we join the others and I’m carefully trying to remember names. I’m surprised at how good everyone’s English is. But they all have accents and the women are all pretty or I find them so and so are the seven girls around my age and blush at the looks I’m getting from some of the boys.

There’s salads that I try and they’re good. I liked the one with the tomatoes and cucumbers with the apple bits and the water-melon, I’ve never had it like that and the dressing is so strange and good but barely there. I liked the coleslaw that Juanita made? It had grated sweet potato and carrot into it and grated raw turnip…I know sounded strange but it was kind of radish tasting.

I had a hamburger that dad grilled and was pretty good and I tried some of his lobster. Yeah they had this big feed of lobsters there and I’m not really sure that I’m any where near the lover of it that dad is. He eats even the green stuff in the bodies and the eggs and he had quite the few of them too but he’d open some and feed some to Lizzy or give some to me but dad…I mean he’d suck the salt water brothy juices out of the claws after he snapped it off the arm. He’d just grab the thumb claw and move in back and forth like a pump then he’d take the knife and crack it open.

I like the claws better than the lobster tails, the tails are good but chewy unless you cut them up. Dad likes nothing on his and others have different stuff they dip it in from butter to shrimp sauce to vinegars. I’m with dad on this one and like it plain.

They’re saving the bodies and all the little legs and oh that green stuff is called the Tomali and it’s like lobster liver or something. I wasn’t brave enough to try that, maybe in the future.

There was lots of other stuff there too like a big BBQ would have like steaks and chops and chicken and brats and hot dogs. And some regional stuff too, well regional for where the other families are from so there was fried garlic rice and pork? And there were tamales too. I have a tamale, and these were better than some I’ve had and I went with a vegetarian one they had with grilled green bell peppers and hot peppers and green onions in the middle.

I know not a lot for a teen boy but I ate like the girl I am and got to hold my plates and forks the way I felt, eat and chew the way I felt and just was me. I was allowed to be me for the very first meal of my life.

It felt so great.

I know I wasn’t as social as I could have been but neither were the others, we’re all sort of new to me being here and I will say they weren’t rude and excluded me from them talking. I think most of the kids here my age whether the boys or the girls are all immigrants from their accents and the fact they’re quiet.

But they say please and thank you and I even think I’m picking up a few words of either maybe.

The whole day is kind of an accomplishment. I’m watching some of the older men taking out instruments and stuff and start playing. It’s a mishmash of mostly Spanish stuff with a Philipino on one of those big hand drums they put between their legs and a flute joining in. Dad’s got quite a village thing here and he’s got another coconut ginger drink and is sitting with them and this old beat up amp and electric guitar.

I don’t think he drinks.

My Step dad used to drink, I mean I’ve nothing against someone having one but I’ve never really see an adult guy that didn’t.

I get a tug on my wrist and some of the littler kids, well the girls are hauling to the edge of the dirt yard and they’re making the thing for hopscotch…

“Can I?”

I’m doing this biting my lips kind of smiling thing as they’re saying yes.

And there’s jump rope too.

I’m…there’s this happy light something inside.

I take that first hop.

I’m going to paint my own wings.

Vanilla Sky…part four.

Honestly I’m bubbling over inside.

I’ve got my hand filled with a bunch of tissues half the time and I’m getting to do stuff that I’ve wanted to always do. I’m playing girls games. I mean it too like hopscotch and we skip rope and sing those little chants that we have for when we do and I even take my turn at playing with the hula hoop.

So I’m crying as it all bubbles out of me and laughing…laughing at getting some of the little girl jokes or just how fun it is.

I don’t know any older transgirls but me I’ve know forever that I’m not a boy, never was, never will be and I had all these little things that so many little girls had denied to me. It was either by fear or more fear from my Step dad and my mom and stepsiblings.

But…

I just had a three way conversation with a seven and a nine year old girl about which is better the old My little pony and the new My little pony.

And yeah I’m way older but they treated me just like as real a girl as them.

And Dad’s taking pictures and Lizzie keeps getting me spare tissues and I cry on her twice…because I’m happy but there’s also a big ball of “Why” hurt inside that’s starting to unravel and stuff.

But she’s there.

I’m so used to shoving it all in until it hurts.

I’m so not used to someone, to so many people actually giving a shit. And dad…oh my god dad if he wasn’t over the moon cool enough as it was he get’s me a bottle of water and sits me on the swings to cool off from all the stuff going on and he…he pushes me on the swings.

Slowly and gently and he must have did that for the longest time and I only stop to go and help with the dishes. Some of the women there were going to say no but Lizzie looks at me and smiles and passes me a dish towel. “You can help dry so you get to know where everything goes.”

I know that a normal kid wouldn’t want to do the dishes and I’m likely strange for that but it to my step dad was women’s stuff and I was “A woman enough already.” He’d never get that wasn’t exactly an insult and would’ve just gotten him mad enough to make things worse.

But this… this was more than dishes to me.

This was getting to be part of the older women and teen girls. And this was us all talking and laughing and even nibbling at leftovers as we put them away or put them in things for people to take home with them.

I feel sort of strange just kind of bursting out about all this but it’s like a dream come true just being normal and being one of the girls only it’s not a dream because I could never come up with the accents or some of the thinks that these women are saying. Some of its pretty racy stuff but some of its clothes and kids and for some of the teenagers there boys.

I’m relieved when I find out that none of these girls here yet have a boyfriend yet. The all have boys that they like and stuff but no boyfriends.

It’s still a little intimidating especially since I’m not sure of my sexuality and stuff but by the time we’re done Selina, Anita, and Mercedes and Flora and Anne three Hispanic girls and two Pinays? I hope I got that right.

They got together and decided to help me move into my room.

So it’s upstairs all the way upstairs to what was the attic and….okay the ceiling’s got the whole slant thing going on but it’s tall and not cramped at all. I’m staring the entire attic by the looks of it is mine…?

I’ve got that hardwood click flooring and there’s a bathroom all my own with a big and shower unit and then there’s this really big closet not a walk in but six feet wide and I’ve these really nice looking tall white dressers with brass fittings as the handles on either side of this matching dressing room table…with this huge mirror and I’m just…

And there’s a matching daybed in white enameled metal right across from it that is just…

I’m getting hugged because I’m crying again and it’s just so much…

Then I see the best thing of all.

My Daddy made me a window seat. At the far end of my room and the house is this big round leaded glass circular window set in this bigger old fashioned bay window and right under it is this window seat…with cushioning set up but also lots of little pillows and each of the side walls of the seat are shelves for books and stuff.

I’m holding my hand over my mouth as I check it out and I do a little bouncy squee as I sit and the girls are all happy for me too and I look out the window and I can see the back part of the Vineyard and see just some of the gardens and stuff but it’s mostly these little sort of gentle rolling fields and so many fruit trees.

I’m picturing it all in blossoms and I hug myself and get all teary eyed and Anne sits in front of me and wipes my face.

“Sorry…”

“No…no be sorry you can cry…you get to be you now.”

Oh shit oh crap they know…they know?

I’m looking around at them waiting for stuff to start and them to freak out on me and stuff and they just look and smile or grin. Flora smiles and pops her gum. “Hey no big eh? My cousin a lady boi, she live in Germany as model and stuff and she cool she send my family money to afford to come here.”

Anita comes over and hugs me. “Samanta, chu so not a boy. An if chu not a boi then you a girl right?’

(Sniffle.) “R..right…I was scared you’d find out and you’d hate me for being a freak.”

“Freak, you not a freak.” Anita hugs me again. “If you’re a freak then I’ma freak.”

“Nuh-huh, you’re beautiful.”

Selina grins “Trus us you not a freak, Mercedes now she is a freak.” Mercedes squawks and grabs a pillow and swings at Selina who yells. “Mercedes was born with a tail!”

The whole thing turns into a pillow fight and there’s six screaming girls in the room including me.

Anita looks at me when we’re all panting and grinning. “Trus us hunny you are a girl, you need bigger boobies though the thing yous have aren’t big enough.”

Which get’s the girls cracking up and Flora and Anne already fighting over my gel forms when I’m done with them because their too small. Mercedes chimes in on that one too. “Chu? Chu think you are too small in the boobs? Chwana look at me I am the twin sister of John Liguizzano in a dress.”

And Anita and Selina both scream out. “Chi-chi we love you chi-chi!”

I’m laughing so hard it hurts and Flora and Anne look confused and even with their English being okay you try to explain Too Wong Fu to people that are English as a second language types.

Thank god for You Tube.

Then it turns into a fashion show as I have to try on things and different looks and stuff before my things get into my closet and we do things with my hair and my make-up and even dance and play music.

Selina can really dance and so can Anita, Mercedes has two left feet and I’m about on par amazingly enough with Anne and Flora.

It’s amazing how despite their heavy accents the girls for the most part can sing really well in English and Mercedes is the best and she can belt out the songs like Celine Dion and even Whitney Houston.

Anita has a cousin for everything…if you said you knew someone who lost both legs and a hand to a barber accident Anita has a cousin that does. And Flora does too.

It’s funny as heck when they get going and start to compare cousin storied in this one upswomanship kind of thing.

I’m tired out by the time it gets close to ten at night and I walk the girls home just to see where each of them lives. It’s neat that they live here on the vineyard with us and that they are as happy as they are.

I like the community feel that the place has here and every one of their parents are happy to see me and offer me a bite of something or a drink of something. I generally say no politely and say that I’m stuff which I am still and I take my time going back to the house and just getting a chance to breathe and take all of this in.

I see dad inside and I go over and I hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you Daddy, thank you I love all of it…everything.”

“Kitten you’re my baby girl…” he kisses me on my forehead. “I’m your Dad…and god let me be a lucky enough guy to get to love you and see you become this amazing young woman.”

“Daaddy…”

“I’m serious Samantha…you are so brave just being you…I…you’ve walked through so much hell already just to get here…I mean it, I can’t wait to see the woman you’re going to become.”

(Glomphy-sniffles.) “Daddy…” I hug him really tight this time and he gives me this big almost bear hug kind of squeeze and I let him…he could hug me twice as tight and it’d still be awesome.

Because he’s my daddy and every little girl need a daddy like him…

To love me as I am.

To hold me for his own sake.

To chase away the monsters.

To make me feel safe.

All my life the girl I am has missed these arms and being that safe…he can hold me like that all he wants…

My first night home teenager or not my daddy carried me to my room and tucked me into bed.

Vanilla Sky…Part five.

The first few days I’ll admit to being totally in love with where I’m living and being afraid of it all at the same time. Lizzie did take me to Halifax again the next day after the party to a medical prosthetics shop and she bought me breast forms that getter fit my body size.

So I’m a c-cup now and these are really made of that new silicone stuff and are flesh colored and they even come with a medical adhesive. No not like the stuff in those internet stories that seems to be like superglue but the stuff is water proof.

And there’s a place that actually sells stuff for uhm those uhm…drag shows…I didn’t ever think that there was a drag community all the way up here but apparently yeah there is with a drag night club right in Halifax.

Anyway this store had things that I needed and didn’t know that I needed like dance gaff’s and some other things I can use like guides for make up and for my voice it was all kind of fast and exciting but I still really appreciated it all.

My boobs look so much better and them being the right size makes my shoulders seem less…guy like and wearing my gaff with my panties once I’m used to it and the breast forms on there attached I can actually just…

I can be me and there are time’s that I’m not him…unless I’m going to the bathroom and even then it’s almost like getting to be me is driving home the point of this is a birth defect.

But it’s not perfect majik but it’s still pretty perfect majik.

I’m getting registered for school soon and I’ve a few more appointment and Lizzie got me into her gyno and the woman is very nice and actually familiar with the transgendered. I thought I was rarer than that but I guess like they say it takes all kinds.

I’m just waiting with her for the results from my tests that she had sent off to a specialist.

But home there’s chores to do.

I’m sort of used to working but this isn’t my step-dad berating me for not being manly enough to carry fifty pound bags of cement. My dad’s not like that instead we are a vineyard farm and I always thought that it only meant wine like from grapes and stuff but we make apple and fruit wines and some are for drinking and some are for dessert? And some are for cooking and we’re actually getting pretty well known for them.

Our signature wine is Vanilla Sky and that’s an apple wine not a cider that’s aged in oak and the oak we use is when the vanillin’s? Come out of the wood during the aging process. And as wine goes it sells actually pretty cheaply at about close to twelve dollars a quart at the wine stores and the NSLC (Nova Scotia Liquor Commission.)

The really big deal wine that’s our big money thing I guess for the wines is this honey-crisp dessert wine that uses those apples and dried apples plus some actual honey and some real vanilla bean in the making of it and it’s like all ground up like we do with the regular apples for our wines but there’s a special cold machine that makes it a sort of Ice wine?

I’m really still learning all of that plus dad has some other things that he’s working on like apple brandy and apple schnapps and even a green apple rum. And he’s small batching stuff for testing using pears and plums and even cranberries and blueberries both pretty common enough here. I’m kind of surprised at just how like chemistry book smart that dad is and he doesn’t really drink. I mean he tastes but he doesn’t drink.

He’s said he’s thinking about even trying to microbrew some beer. Apparently microbrewery stuff is very popular with the university kids and a lot of the pubs and bars over in Halifax.

But mostly for my chores I’m dealing with the animals, we have a few cows about a dozen or so. I think we’re raising two for the beef and there’s pigs and they’re not as smelly as I thought and then we have goats. That’s Liz’s thing working with them and the milk from the goats and the cows and stuff. Oh and we have chickens and turkeys and dad’s even raising quail? Apparently there’s money with the fancy restaurants and stuff for both the birds and the eggs?

Liz is teaching me the ropes and her big this is making cheese, goat cheese mostly but she’s slowly working I guess on making cheeses that are supposed to go with the stuff we make to drink and then there’s this whole other section with some of the immigrant women making jams and preserves.

I’m really busy just learning to take care of the animals with the other kids and that’s enough in itself I never thought how much work went into this place but there is. And dad and Liz seem to have overlapped stuff so that some of the bi-products and waste from one thing goes to work another even the manures and that stuff gets mixed in this barn with like compost and other stuff like potting soil and gets stirred and mixed up by one of the men with one of those little tractor dozers until it becomes like clean and new super rich soil and stuff.

Which goes to the greenhouse where dad had stuff growing in one spot and plantings to get started for some thing else in another and even other stuff that I had no idea was so easy to grow and make money from like Micro-greens? Apparently fancy restaurants buy these little tiny seedling sprouts and use them for garnishes and stuff and they pay good money for them too.

Seriously and I thought I was worried about dad spending too much money on me.

I’m really just amazed at it all.

But it’s also that I’m Samantha here and ever dirty and smelly and doing chores I still get to be Samantha. I have cute farm overhauls with sunflowers on them and these cute rubber boots that dad bought for me in town that are printed rubber boots that apparently are pretty girly and popular with a matching sunflower print on them and I even can wear my hair in pig tails just because I want too and the only thing that gets said is from some of the little girls living here too for me to put their hair in them too.

I’ve even taken to babysitting the girls too. Which is amazing really that their parents don’t think I’m some freak that would do stupid evil stuff to their kids and while I still have enough boy there left that I can do okay at video games my heart’s with taking care of the girls.

Or rather they're taking care of me.

Honestly, there’s nothing like the hearts of little kids and the girls here they know I wasn’t born a girl and that I’m starting out all new so they’re dying to teach me about playing house, and coloring and dolls and Barbies and I even get to do stuff I used to cry over back home like how for the first time since I was little did I get to use an easy bake oven and make easy bake brownies.

I think they might have been the best brownies I’ve ever had including the fancy ones….my stepsister had one and I wanted to play with her and it so much that I’d watch them and my stepdad would toss me out of the house into the back yard to play and get some fresh air.

I was so scared to ever say anything until I literally broke. I used to cry myself to sleep over the feeling of things being wrong and not being allowed to just be me.

That first Betty Crocker mix chocolate cake batter brownie was like biting into the childhood I never got to have.

But I want to go to school, I really do and there’s so much stuff I want to learn really even if it’s scary and stuff. I’ve been following along sort of with the girls that are my age and looking at the homework and stuff they’re bringing home and helping out with the home work assignments with us starting to get together in my room since it’s the biggest after chores and supper.

Flora, Anita, Selina, Mercedes their becoming friends and I’ve never really had my own circle of friends before that I get to work and hang around with and stuff.

There’s just something amazing about just getting together and doing homework and eating popcorn and talking and watching TV, we always have it on much music so we can listen to the music and watch the shows. Vampire Diaries is so awesome and I like Pretty little liars too and we even talk about people and their friend at school…I even get to know them too with us all chatting on Facebook and AIM and messaging each other and stuff and even though I haven’t met some of them face to face yet we’ve talked even on voice chat. Not really by myself usually while the other girls are there but still.

I’m not alone and people know.

Yeah people know I’m a transgendered teen girl.

And their not freaking out?

I’ve never really been to a school or in a place like this before. I mean the school I’m going to be going too is like three maybe four hundred kids and they have a LGBT club with like thirty kids in it and they’ve had it for years I guess. There’s even a lesbian teacher there and a gay one too. I’ll be the only Trans kid there though this year.

Oh there’s still likely going to be people that are going to be sucky and ignorant for sure but compared to home where the so called Christian kids and the Family Values Boosters had closed down the LGBT club at my school this is paradise.

I’m in my room getting ready. It’s Friday night, actually for most of the people here it’s pay night and there’s a sort of tradition of taking the kids and going out. There’s all the regular stuff like paying the bills and getting the shopping done but I guess we go and do stuff like maybe see a movie and all of us go out for supper giving the parents a break from cooking and supper duties.

I’m actually going to wear a skirt, with a tee-shirt. Yeah I know but I have this nice yellow tee-shirt that’s really pretty and I have a sundress that I want to wear with it. I actually made it myself well with the girls showing me because Flora was making one for class and mine’s a pleated skirt with a sort of sunset color but it has this pattern of those red-brown-yellow gerbera daisies on it. It goes so well with the yellow tee and I have these really cute Mary Janes that will look great with it. I’m doing my hair and trying not to mess up my make-up with the girls…yeah we really do sort of congregate in my room especially since I have my own bathroom and Dad knocks on the door. Anita opens it.

“Samanta ess your fada!” She calls out and I come out and I smile at him, he’s actually cleaned up pretty good too.

“Hi daddy, we’re almost ready.”

“Okay Kitten here can you give these to the girls.” He passes me some brown envelopes and there’s tuff written on them. Oh there’s one for me? I call out the girls names and they squee and run over some snatching them from me and opening them and giggling and Selina’s smelling hers.

“Dad?”

“Pay checks.”

“Pay checks?”

“Yup, we’ll be downstairs.” He goes to leave and can’t help it. “I get one?”

“Sure do kiddo you’ve been working here at the farm right?”

“Yeah but I’m just…you guys spent so much on me already….”

“Samantha, that…that’s my job as you’re dad to make sure that you get to have a happy life. School, food, clothes and a roof over your head aren’t ever things that you have to earn from me. I’m your dad, it’s my job.”

“But, but it’s so much money…” I know I said that I wasn’t as worried about it but realistically he spent like likely thousands of dollars on me.

“Samantha…are you happy?”

“Yeah…god dad I’ve never been this happy…this right.”

“Then I’m already paid honey.”

“Daddy…..”

He smiles and walks over and he hugs me. “Look you earned that and with you working for the Vineyard I get to put you on our health plan too.”

“I thought health care was all covered up here?”

“It is but prescriptions aren’t usually.”

“Oh…” I look at the envelope.

Oh My God!

“Dad…! Fourteen dollars an hour!”

“Yes and it’s what the other girls are getting too.”

“But…but…”

“Minimum wage is $10.15.”

“But…but…fourteen dollars!”
“Well since you’re a student employee the government pays some of those wages close to half so we didn’t really see the point in short changing you all not when you can use the money and…I’m not giving you an allowance either so that’s a factor in it too.”

I just sort of numbly stare at it there’s deductions and stuff and it’s all above board but I have in my hands more cash than I ever had that was mine before.

He kisses my forehead. “Don’t go nuts honey you still have two weeks before your next pay check.”

He heads downstairs and I look at the girls and they look at me and we all do that scream and dance in one spot thing then the group hug and some more screaming.

“We’re going shopping!”

Vanilla Sky…Part six.

I’m scared and excited and terrified and elated and bouncy all at the same time because we’re going shopping and I have my own money and I’m going out with other girls my age.

We pile into all the vehicles and we head off down to new Minas where the closest mall well actual mall is and it’s kinda small compared to what I’m used to more like a galleria down in the states.

We all talk about where we want to go for supper first and end up going to Boston pizza which I didn’t think we had up here in Canada but we do and the food’s good. I mean who doesn’t like pizza? Well apparently dad and them are pasta people but me I’m a fan of a good slice and I get mine or mine and the girls with extra sauce and extra pepperoni.

Pepperoni pizza is my favorite pizza really just because it’s simple but I avoid the extra cheese and I blot. Okay blotting your pizza is just taking napkins and pressing down on top for a few minutes to soak up the extra oil and grease off the pizza. You’d be surprised at how much you don’t get into your system that way.

Food’s going to be something that I want to watch actually…I want to be smaller not bigger and stuff. I don’t want to go all psycho about it and like bulimic and stuff but just being careful.

Still it was good even if it tastes different. Not bad but different like they make all the stuff differently up here compared to home which they probably do. It’s actually spicier up here than down home which I thought would be the other way around.

After that though we’re not long in kissing the parents and taking off down the mall together.

Suzy Sheir, Pseudio, Northern reflections, Eclipse, Sears and all sorts of other places we go to and we mostly shop by looking at things and trying stuff on and that’s soooo much fun1

God I’m so tired of living a life where I was just skulking around and wanting and needing and aching for my life to start. I don’t even buy a whole lot of stuff but just try things on and watch and look and learn.

I meet Katelyn Prichard and her friends at City Streets. “The girls all do the “Hey Katelyn…” and she smiles and then I’m introduced.

“So…you’re the new girl?” She’s so pretty with big green eyes and long dark hair and a hint of something ethnic in her blood to give her this dusky look. Okay picture Catherine Zeta Jones as a teenager with none of the poise and grace lost.

“Uhm yes…Hi…I’m Samantha.”

“Katelyn, Sam…I like the name it fits you?”

“Really?”

She smiles and laughs. “Yes, much better than whatever you were born with.”

Oh shit.

I blush and look down. She moves and starts looking at one of the displays. “Sorry…pretty much everyone knows who you are.”

“Oh…”

“Hey, it’s alright I haven’t really heard a whole lot of bad about it.”

“You haven’t?”

“No…I mean for the most part you actually had some of us worried.”

“Worried?”

“Yeah some of the kids, some of the other girls we’re scared you were going to show up and be all hot or super hot like that model girl that Trump tried to block from going into the pageant that time.”

“Oh…well…I’m never going to look like that.”

She laughs; I don’t think most of us are going to look like that really.”

I look at her. “I think she is a PAIS girl.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s where your body doesn’t accept hormones right and you’re almost like rejecting the male hormones.”

“Oh…never heard of that.”

“The whole gender thing is actually really messed up and stuff.”

“Sounds like it, man…add that and the whole sexuality thing and there’s a double whammy.”

I nod. “There’s a lot of Whammy just being normally transgendered. I’m a little jealous of some of these people like that or are femininely leaning while being intersexed…it seems like such a head start compared to me.”

She looks at me. “Maybe but I think they have their own brand of hell too.”

I smile a little shyly at her. “Thanks for not freaking out about this Kate.”

“Katelyn…I’m not a fan of the short form of my name really I like the celticness of it. I’m glad that you’re not too freaked out by us not being bitches about it. You kind of get a different perspective down here in the Maritimes anyway just as long as you’re not in deep redneck country.”

“Really, I mean people are, they’ve been really good actually.”

She nods. “We’re a small area but we’re an area with a lot of colleges and tech schools and you get people here from all over. Gay people, Lesbian People, even people like you Sam so I guess well it kind of came down to either the whole area look like a bunch of inbred hillbillies and be all offensive or let people just be.”

I look at her. She’s really smart and well spoken for a girl our age and I think that’s kind of cool. Plus I’m really used to girls acting dumber than what they are so they “fit in” like they do back home.

“Still…Thanks Katelyn I’m really, really not used to the understanding here yet.”

One of the other girls with her laughs. “Katelyn’s just applying the sic degrees of toilet paper thing again.”

“Eeew…six degree’s of toilet paper?” I extend my hand to the girl. “Samantha.”

“Natasha, yeah it’s a karma thing.” She shakes my hand and that’s just strange too. I’ve never really shaken hands with a girl before. And I don’t know why either.

Katelyn rolls her eyes. “It’s not really a karma thing. Okay you’ve heard of the whole six degrees of separation thing?”

I nod. “I think so.”

She gestures with her hands when she talks so maybe there’s some Italian there. “Okay we all know the only major things about high school is getting through it to either get a job or get into university. Most of what happens in high school doesn’t have a huge bearing on what’s going on in the rest of your life after that…for the most part.”

I nod again. “Okay I guess…”

“Well that’s only true if you’re average with people or even decent. But if you’re a total shit to people, they remember it. They remember the people that were the bullies and that made their lives hell and you know what?”

Okay I’m interested because I have those people that I can’t stand like that not even including my family but a whole list of assholes from home. “Okay what?”

“That’s where the six degrees of toilet paper come in. If you were a miserable person and treat people like shit then going by the laws of the six degrees of separation it’ll come back to them…they’ll be doing something and they’ll meet someone that’s heard of them or gets mentioned to a friend or a friend of a friend but it will come back… “That person’s a bitch, don’t hire her she hurt someone I know.” And voila…their own shit they forced on others get’s smeared back in their face by a totally different party.”

I’m giggling. “Eeew gross, but actually kinda cool it’s still like karma though.”

“Oh well maybe but you explain that to the haters and they sort of get that a whole lot better than the whole karma thing.”

I nod and grin and we both quote. “Teaching this generation about good karma’s like teaching this generation about good credit.”

We both start to laugh. “Jinx!” We both say it at the same time and we actually end up laughing together and she actually gives me a hug. “Welcome to the valley Sam.”

“Thanks, you girls want a coffee? My treat?”

Both she and Natasha say sure and we get the others girls together and we head off to Tim Horton’s?

There’s almost ten of us actually and we’re laughing and chatting and headed into the coffee place.

They all know…they all know and they don’t care and it just really doesn’t seem to matter.

Okay…coffee and sugar and some more shopping.

And we walk into the place and I slow down and stop almost as I see other kids there and not just other kids but there’s boys there.

And they’re looking up at us all as we’re coming in.

Eeep…shit do I look alright?

Vanilla Sky…Part7.

There’s almost ten of us actually and we’re laughing and chatting and headed into the coffee place.

They all know…they all know and they don’t care and it just really doesn’t seem to matter.

Okay…coffee and sugar and some more shopping.

And we walk into the place and I slow down and stop almost as I see other kids there and not just other kids but there’s boys there.

And they’re looking up at us all as we’re coming in.

Eeep…shit do I look alright?

I have a sort of mini attack from it too. I mean the girls know and they’re being really kind of cool and things about all of this but…it’s boys.

And my experiences with boys have been the beat you up for being a queer faggot freak or stared at and quietly hated. At best they ignored me…the boys at the hospital don’t count. I mean we had one kid that thought that he was a ninja turtle.

Not that all of them were crazy like him just most were just as messed up as I was so it wasn’t really an issue and we were never really around the violent ones.

But I know red neck and my first thought was seeing these boys with the muscles and the farmers’ tans or just really good but that whole work outside tans was…uh-oh.

I’m blinking in shock when a group of about six of them get up from the tables they were at and offer us their seats. I’m nervous as I settle in and introductions are being made and the names are getting hard to keep track of but there smiles and shaking of hands.

Every one of the guys that shook my hand did it in a light gentle grip too. That was really nice. I’m not too sure of my self and especially of myself when it comes to me and sex. I mean there’s a few times that I’ve thought about both sexes but most of the time I was too focused on the thoughts that I’d never be me to really get a grip on things.

When they’re not trying to beat me up I think I can say that boys aren’t that bad. I’ll admit I have like zero experience but so far, it’s not that bad.

There two that are sort of more interesting than the others…Ian who is this ruddy blonde with freckles and a mix of light tan and sunburn with these big brown eyes and the thing about Ian is he’s Scottish. Well apparently his mum is and he’s from here but he’s got that accent.

Okay I’ll admit that I do really like the accent and he seems really quick to laugh at stuff.

Then there’s Shane.

And he’s…I have no idea what his family background is but he has this very light skinned black person thing going on and straight black hair and these ice blue eyes that just sort of pop in.

Okay he might just be sexy.

The girls that are from here draw his name out calling him Shaaaaaaaane. And it’s kind of cute but I’d never do it. Katelyn calls him just Shane mostly or she’ll call him double-double?

“Double-double?” I ask her.

“Double cream and double sugar he’s sweet and has that shot of double cream skin.”

“Oh… but…”

“He has that.”

“Huh, what?”

“A nice butt.”

I’m coughing on my coffee at that because Shane’s at the counter and he’s…Omigawd…he does have a nice butt.

And I have no idea why, or how it’s nice, or why I think it’s nice but.

Butt.

Shane has a nice butt.

And I’m sort of staring now and like I said I don’t know why I’m staring but it’s like this sudden kind of “Oh..” moment and of course just because my life would have to do something so perverse.

Shane turns around and he looks at me.

Oh crap.

And he’s looking at me and then he sort of turns a little more and looks at his butt and then he looks at me.

I can feel the blood rushing to my face.

He turns back around and I’m burying my face in my hands and Katelyn and the other girls are all laughing and giggling since I was caught but some of them are whistling at Shane.

I barely am able to peek through my fingers and I see him sitting down opposite me with this friendly smile on his face and this big yellow box of something called Timbits which turn out to be doughnut holes.

“Hi there, I’m Shane.” He opens up the box tearing off the flaps and tips in towards me. There’s a lot of different ones but I take one of the ones that look like they’re spiced with apple and cinnamon flavors.

“Uhm tha..thanks I’m Samantha.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Sa..same here.”

“You sound nervous; you don’t have to be nervous y’know.”

“But I…”

He straightens up like he’s giving a speech or something. “I will take that as a mark of a lady with excellent tastes.”

It’s kind of foolish looking and cute which I think is entirely the point and as much as I stared before I’m giggling now from what he’s doing.

And I’m blushing again since I wasn’t expecting this or to giggle and I’m hiding my face again and trying to cover my mouth.

Katelyn smacks him playfully. “Like you’d know good taste from some one just trying to figure out what she was looking at.”

“I happen to know that Sam has great taste.”

“Oh, you haven’t met her until now so how do you know that?”

He leans over sort of like it’s a secret. “She picked a chocolate Timbit.”

I uh…oh…Blush.

Vanilla Sky…Part 8.

Before…

And he’s…I have no idea what his family background is but he has this very light skinned black person thing going on and straight black hair and these ice blue eyes that just sort of pop in.

Okay he might just be sexy.

Now…

I’m blushing and Shane’s smiling at me but it’s this…

Oh dammit…Oh chocolate…

Seriously his mouth is just this certain way that his smile is just there…nice, really nice and like the rest of him and not too over the top but just right.

I don’t know what to do.

He’s a boy and I’m…

And he’s…

I look at Katelyn and she takes a drink of her coffee and raises an eyebrow.

I blush some more and take a drink of mine and she says. “Shane’s single by the way.”

I start to choke on my coffee.

“Katelyn Jeeze! I’m…I’m not…”

Shane smiles. “Not here any time at all and she’s trying to fix you up.” He passes me some napkins.

“Thanks…” I sort of swallow and there’s this.

I am soooo conscious that our hands just touched.

I…

Can I change that much this fast?

He still smiles and he goes for a Timbit?

“So what are you girls panning tonight?”

Katelyn shrugs. “This pretty much why what do you guys got planned?”

“Nothing major just going down to Sully’s beach, do some clamming and maybe a bonfire.”

“Clamming? Is that like fishing for clams?”

“Digging but yeah he says.”

“I’ve never really seen that is it fun?”

“Can be.” He smiles and I look at Katelyn and she’s already turned to the other girls and there’s some agreement and I bite my lower lip.

“Can I have a moment?”

“Sure.”

I get up and head outside and call my dad.

“Daddy?”

“Yes Samantha what’s up honey having fun?”

“Yes, oh wow yes I met some people and they’re nice Dad and they’re friendly and me being me’s not a big deal and we’re having coffee and they’re all really nice and…omigawd dad I’m rambling!”

He chuckles over the phone. “You’re a teenaged girl you’re allowed to do that.”

“They want to go clamming, is it okay if I go too?”

“At Sully’s beach?”

“Yeah how’d you know?”

“Some of the other girls are doing the same as you.”

“Oh…so..can I?”

“Yes, but be careful the mud can be pretty deep and it’s not quite like just being on the beach.”

“I…uhm…okay…”

“Do you have a ride?”

“I think so.”

“Well if you don’t call me at eleven or before that. I want you all home buy midnight.”

“Midnight! Dad wow…”

“No…you’re with a big group and all the girls so we’re trusting you more.”

“No alcohol, even if there’s others drinking you see the booze come out you call me for a ride.”

“Yes Daddy.” That’s such a non issue I really don’t like to drink and my Stepdad was a few beers after work all the time kind of guy.

It might not be the case but I always sort of put part of him being an asshole down to that.

“Dad…?”

“Yes Honey?”

“Thanks so much for this.”

“You’re welcome honey.” I can actually hear the warmth in his voice. I have really needed y’know someone that gives a shit in my life.

“Samantha?” He says.

“Yes dad?”

“Love you kiddo.”

“Love you too daddy.”

I turn in my phone and I head inside and look at Katelyn and Shane. “We have to be home before midnight but we can go, is that okay?”

Shane nods. “Gotta work tomorrow do midnight’s cool.”

The others agree and not only does Shane have a car.

A nice looking blue painted old Crown Victoria…oh it’s old and maybe from the eighties or nineties. But it’s big too lots of room inside and it has a lot of power. I haven’t been in an eight cylinder car in a long time.

No I’m not a car girl but this thing is old and there’s a big engine with lots of power that much I can tell.

Flora, Anne, Selina and Katelyn are with me in Shane’s car and the rest are mixed between Dwayne’s pick up…He’s dating Bridgette who Natasha’s cousin and then there’s Patrick with his Bronco.

There’s a lot of older cars and stuff here or with the kids my age. I will say that all three need work and Dwayne’s truck has patches of primer on it.

I can actually appreciate works in progress being one myself.

The beach is a small spot and I’m not sure what I was expecting but not all the sand bars and how far they go out there.

The actual beach is sandy and nice even though the grass really needs mowing and there’s thistles and stuff and a worn path not a wooden one and the guys helped us down the bank and I blush when Dwayne took my hand to steady me.

“You blush easy.”

“My…My first time.”

“Oh…you’re the girl becoming a girl later right? Fixing your sex and stuff.”

I blush deeper and sort of half step back, bite my lip and have the need to hug myself. “Yes…that’s kinda it.”

“Huh? Couldn’t really tell.”

Blink, blink…huh?

He starts walking and I go with. “You can’t”

He looks over at me. “Not that I was really looking seeing as I have Bridge but you’re not like acting all floofy gay and you’re not like a guy clunking around in girl’s clothes so yeah…you just looked like a girl to me. I mean you’re acting like one.”

“I am?”

“H’yeah…durr…self judging much.”

He grins and tosses me a zippo lighter. “I’m gonna help the guys you girls get a fire going?”

“Uhm…okay.”

He going and I…I have no tools to explain just how big a thing this just was to me.

We end up gathering lots of fire wood and the guy’s dig a pit and dragged over a couple of logs and Patrick had stuff in his Bronco and while the fire’s going we’re boiling bottled water in a big camping kettle and the guys are clamming.

You dig them up with spades some but Shane has an actual clamming fork and we’re getting g these clams that are sort of white-blue-grey and between an inch to two long and squirt like crazy.

We all went out when the fire was raging at full burn or at least to try it. Dad was right there’s sand but there’s also like lots of like channels of mud too and I got a foot in there and got sucked in to my calf and nearly fell if it wasn’t for Shane.

I blushed when he caught me.

A lot.

Most of us girl’s went in early though washing the mud off our feet together. Then it was the kettle a can of canned milk and carnation instant hot chocolate.

I’ve never had hot chocolate like this and never by a campfire and the ocean before.

I get good weepy and Katelyn comes over with Anne. “Sam? Are you okay?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…just…I’m just happy…it’s…I couldn’t imagine my life being this…just even this much ever y’know.”

Katelyn smiles but Anne is nodding. “I was little home but I can remember it, we weren’t…we have no money then, some people do home but many don’t. I never have new clothes before coming here…never have my own room before. I never have money or friends and mother and father had to work so hard to just get what we have and now…now this is so totally different.”

We hug each other and Katelyn nods. Well how about we gather some shells and stuff while the boys are still doing the clamming.”

Part of me squee’s and we get shells of all kinds and I go a little nuts but I want to gather enough of each kind to fill up some jars with at home to decorate my room and I even get some sand and beach glass too.

By the time we’re done the boys are back and they rinse off their catch? Dig? And they let them set for awhile with water and something to let them spit the sand out more and we do another round of hot chocolates and stoke up the fire and play Frisbee.

It’s just goofing off and laughing and having fun and Dwayne even got his truck close to the bank and turned on the radio so we all had music.

It was likely nine or so by the time they did the clams and just boiled in sea water and Patrick had stuff for the rest with him which was one of the reasons why the guys were at the mall.

Butter in little tin dishes and garlic butter too melted and I like mine either plain or with a little bit of butter until Shane shows me how to eat one from the half shell with some of the water…broth…I guess they just use enough water to steam them instead of boil them and then a little bit of melted butter.

I never really liked clams before this.

So not breaded fried clam strips.

Between eating and taking and cleaning everything up and making sure the fire’s out…?

“Aren’t we going to put out the fire guys?”

Shane smiles and say’s. “You’ve never seen the tide come in have you?”

“Yeah, I’ve been to the…”

There’s a little ripple out there and I can almost see this flood of water coming.

I’m kind of perplexed watching it until in like twenty minutes the fire’s out and the water’s starting to touch my toes.

“Wow…what?”

“Bay of Fundy tides Sam, fastest and highest tides in the world.” Shane says smiling.

“Okay…that was very, very cool.” I’m actually sill impressed with it still and still stealing glances at the water as we walk back to the vehicles and the guys drive us all home.

Music on, heater on, friends and just…I want to live now…I want my life so badly now.

Vanilla Sky…Part 9.

*Before…

I’m kind of perplexed watching it until in like twenty minutes the fire’s out and the water’s starting to touch my toes.

“Wow…what?”

“Bay of Fundy tides Sam, fastest and highest tides in the world.” Shane says smiling.

“Okay…that was very, very cool.” I’m actually sill impressed with it still and still stealing glances at the water as we walk back to the vehicles and the guys drive us all home. Music’s on, heater on, friends and just…I want to live now…I want my life so badly now.

*And Now…

We got home or Shane and the guys dropped us all off and I get my things and…and okay we hug the guys and some of the girls that we’ve, well I’ve made friends with and I’m on the happy edge of that whole girly kind of squee feeling and crying because I’m happy.

God I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been in my life.

Dad’s up when I make my way into the house with my things after saying goodnight to the girls.

I can smell hot cider filling the air in the house from the kitchen and I peek my head inside.

“Hi daddy.”

“Hey Princess, so how was the beach?”

“Muddy and mucky but it was so much fun.”

“I’m glad want to tell me?”

“All of it?”

“All of it even the boy parts.”

I blush.

He grins. “So there are boy parts?”

“I don’t know but yeah…there was a few sort of moments.”

“Good I want to hear about them.”

“You do?”

He comes over and he kisses my on my forehead. “Honey I missed so much of your life and so did you and I don’t care if you’re like a lot of other girls and found out that you like boys or that you like girls it doesn’t matter honey as long as you’re safe and happy. I want to be connected to your life y’know.”

I latch onto him with this really big hug and he walks me into the kitchen and he pours out vanilla hot cider. It’s apple cider heated up on the stove with a cinnamon stick bit and a vanilla bean or piece of one of those too and here’s the thing that makes it just so…

Dad spoons out some vanilla ice cream into two tall coffee mugs and pours the boiling cider over it and it melts and cools and acts like a sort of creamer too. It’s like this apple and vanilla spice kind of latte thing.

That and some graham crackers right out of the packet and I’m sitting with Dad in the kitchen telling him all about the beach and building a fire and the mall and Katelyn and the girls and things not mattering with them and the beach again and Dwayne being really nice to me too and…and Shane.

Okay I leave Shane until last because I’m kind of scared.

“But he’s so sweet Dad and he’s cute and I never thought that I’d think that a guy’d be cute but he is and wow…he has these amazing eyes.”

And Dad’s awesome because he does listen and he doesn’t mind my teenaged ramble and stuff and he even takes me down to the basement where we find some jelly jars and we put my sea shells in them and I take them to my room and set them up.

……………….The best thing about working on a farm and stuff is that you’re really working on a farm. It has been actually keeping me busy most of the week and free from stressing about school.

And hormones…Oh I really had no idea that when I was getting started on them that I was going to feel so sick…I was good for a while then it’s all of a sudden oops you’re pregnant and he’s some morning sickness like feelings.

It’s settled off now that my body is normalizing into my new self which is good and well better than good since I swear my brain feels better.

I honestly thought I’d be tons more emotional though but I don’t strongly react that way to stuff on a chemical level I guess.

But I can see them working…yeah it’s just little things like my skin looking better and different and my hair’s getting thicker, not longer yet not really. But there is also the fact that I have things that I never had before. The right vitamins and I can be myself and I’m using my things, girl things that I never had before like the right shampoo and conditioners and lotion and face creams and all those things that my Step-dad would have thrown an absolute shit fit over.

It’s so different here, so different from home since there’s some things where you are doing stuff because it’s stuff that the girls do and then there’s stuff that the guys do.

Like doing the wood, we have wood that we’re doing up for some of the places on the farm and stuff and the guys all deal with the logs and the big chunks but once it’s like firewood sized it’s kind of all of us doing it.

The guys still do the gross or heavy lifting jobs and stuff but I’ve shoveled manure too and I have a pair of really cute rubber boots for it too they’re sort of like those green rubber boots you see the guys wear but mine are literally made for girls and the whole outside surface of them has that look like reflective tape.

They’re pretty.

And apparently kind of the thing to wear in bad weather here or working on the vineyard and the farm.

And despite the food, I’m working that hard and biking whenever I need something from the gas-station sort of general store down the way I’ve lost six pounds. It actually looks like more since I think I put on muscle too.

Not in a bad way though…just after being locked up in the Kooky house I didn’t really have much muscle tone at all so its work muscle and not like work out muscle.

Oh and two days ago I got new boobs…Liz my step mom had them ordered and measured for me so I’m done with the 26’s and now I’m a 34 B and with it came some new bras to fit and stuff and we donated my other breast forms to the breast cancer society.

They fit so much better and I look so much better and we might have put a dent in Daddy’s credit card again with them and the bra and a few other things like corsets but it was so worth it.

And today…

Today I start in the office.

Like Dad promised.

Liz meets me in the office and I wanted to make a good impression so I’m wearing a nice blouse and a skirt that goes good with it and flats but I’m dressed like I would be for a normal office job.

I feel.

God I love the way this feels really. Heck I’m even wearing nylons and just a little make up and I smile a little shyly when I come into the office and Liz is making coffee there and she stops and she looks at me.

“Wow Samantha you look amazing.”

“I do?”

“Absolutely, every inch the professional young lady.”

“Really?”

“Definitely, hang on I want to go get changed too.”

“What? No you don’t have to.”

“I want to, besides what good is it that I have the clothes but I actually don’t wear them on the days that I’m in the office?”

“Uhm…okay?”

“You finish making the coffee and I’ll be right back.”

She leaves and I make the coffee and I take a box of tissues and I slip to the kitchen and get a little dish with lemon Mr. Clean and I just sort of dust a little. It actually needs it and stuff and it’s tweaking my girl cleaning gene. I just get the really worst of the dust but I’m coming back here after supper.

Liz comes down and I’m in a bit of a stunned shock. She’s in a pair of slacks and some nice shoes and a bronze satin blouse and just combining that with her natural Amerindian great looks and her long hair she’s both professional and she’s totally striking too.

“Wow, you look great.”

“Thank you I was going for business casual.” She sniff’s the air. “You cleaned?”

“Yeah it was a little dusty. You don’t mind right?”

“Mind…you cleaning. Wow Atlanta must be a really strange place.”

“Mom and my step dad would have thrown a fit if I cleaned and looked like I enjoyed it.”

“You like cleaning?”

“No but I love when it’s done and everything looks really cool and fresh or pretty.”

“I’m so making you our office manager when we get you trained.”

“There’s not enough of us for me to manage.”

“No silly, like keep everything here ship-shape and stuff like that between everything else your dad and I do this kind of gets left over as side projects.”

“Seriously?”

“Sure am if you want too.”

I take a big breath. “Yes, yes definitely.”

“Okay let’s get started.”

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever really started to learn how to do. I’m not bad at math and stuff and I’m really good at typing but doing stuff with actual business programs and stuff that is actually like real things for our family business it’s a lot to take in and there’s also this huge pile of real involved in all of this.

We’re just getting into the filing and sorting kind of stuff when Liz says. “Okay I’m starved let’s go get some lunch. Go grab your purse.”

“My purse?”

“We’re doing an office day we should do an office lunch, come on I’m taking you to town for lunch.”

“Uhm…okay.”

I get my purse and Liz drives us into town and we stop at this nice little place called The Cattail café and it’s small but has a nice patio in the back and a decent little view of the water and there’s a waiter that gets us a table and I’m nervous.

Liz smiles at me and she shows me what to do with my coat and my purse and the waiter comes back. “What can I get you ladies?’

Ladies….wow…that felt really good.

And not just the recognition or maybe not getting recognized but this is…I’m out on a girls lunch just like those women I’d watch doing the same for so long and now it’s me.

I get the soup of the day and a small garden salad and Liz gets the same and the canapé small tray for us too and she orders two glasses of sparkling cider.

I look at her when it comes and she passes me one and I take it. “You’re too young for a champagne lunch Sam so it’s this and ginger ale for now.” She smiles and she does the chink glasses and toast thing. “To your first day.”

We clink glasses and I blush and I take a little breath and look her in the eyes. “Thanks Mom, thanks for all of this.”

I called her mom and I really, really meant it.

Vanilla Sky…Part 10. The Finale

*Before…

Liz smiles at me and she shows me what to do with my coat and my purse and the waiter comes back. “What can I get you ladies?’
Ladies….wow…that felt really good.
And not just the recognition or maybe not getting recognized but this is…I’m out on a girls lunch just like those women I’d watch doing the same for so long and now it’s me.
I get the soup of the day and a small garden salad and Liz gets the same and the canapé small tray for us too and she orders two glasses of sparkling cider.
I look at her when it comes and she passes me one and I take it. “You’re too young for a champagne lunch Sam so it’s this and ginger ale for now.” She smiles and she does the chink glasses and toast thing. “To your first day.”
We clink glasses and I blush and I take a little breath and look her in the eyes. “Thanks Mom, thanks for all of this.”
I called her mom and I really, really meant it.

* And Now…

That was a good day and it wasn’t the last.

Liz/Mom doesn’t push things with us but she just takes me as I am and I do my work in the different parts of the farm helping out as well as things in the orchards and with the gardens and to some extent with the vineyard too.

And the office, at least a few days a week and I’m in the office and there I get to dress office pretty and I have an excuse for shopping for it and things.

Actually I need a lot of things despite how much Daddy spent trying to outfit me with all of the stuff that I didn’t have.

But there’s a lot, a lot of stuff that girls that get to be girls all of their lives just sort of have.

And yes I’m saving money up for things and all but I’m still shopping.

Anna and Mercedes and the girls are too and they have stuff they need to since we’re all sort of looking at it like…

We moved…there was something bad like a twister in our lives before coming here and it’s like we lost all of our stuff and we’re starting over.

I mean ribbons and hair elastics, crowns and clips and scrunches and comb-clips and that’s just some of the stuff for hair and that’s not counting combs and brushes and trimmers and shampoos and conditioners and treatments and all of those things plus nails and nail stuff and jewelry and mock-jewelry.

I like mock-jewelry it’s plastic and there’s a lot of cuteness and fun to it and you don’t have to usually worry about a faux-turquoise bracelet turning your wrist green.

And Mom/Liz shops with me sometimes too and so does some of the other mom’s and the girls especially when we went again to Halifax and to the Mic Mac Mall and we’re all sort of behind in things even the mom’s and it was this huge deal with like three cars and one of the trucks from the farm with the cap on the box for us to put all of our bags and things.

I so get it too…never having nice things that were “Your Nice Things.”

And then there’s just the looking and shopping together, and getting junk food and eating together.

And changing together.

Safety in numbers.

And this huge, huge thing where we’re getting into that kind of trust and sister-friends stuff where I’m just like them…and I know that race and trans is a thing like we shouldn’t like measure and stuff but it’s just sort of become this whole… Native, Pilipino, Mexican and Dominican and Trans girls.

It’s so much more than nice too to have this be a non-thing for me now.

I mean it’s a thing and it’ll likely always be a thing but it’s very quickly going from….

I’m trans and my name is Samantha.

To…

I’m Samantha and I just happen to be trans.

And that’s feeling good.

I like Canada, it’s nice here and I know that I’m still seeing it with rose colored glasses but people here are nice. I know there’s buttheads everywhere but it’s not like home. I mean home you can actually see if you’re paying attention to it people being racist and stuff.

At the mall there’s black people and I don’t see the security guys following them around, I don’t see people being the way they were home to them and the same for the girls with me. I don’t see anyone here giving them the go back to where you came from looks.

Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of nice people home and there’s people that are very open minded and nice and all but there’s just more…more people not willing to use that side of freedom of speech here.

And guns.

I haven’t seen a gun on people here at all…only on the police, not even on the security people.

And that’s weird because literally people here don’t even think about it…I mean it’s like it literally never crosses their minds here.

And honestly there’s like people around here are missing that knot of tension in the air.

And debit cards here or banking cards here.

They’re everywhere, no one uses cheques for much and no one uses cash that much either and you can even just tap your card to the card reader instead of swiping and stuff.

And they have Starbucks but they have more Tim Horton’s and they have all of the chips.

Like all of them.

Every time I go to the store for junk food I get a new flavor of chips.

Or type.

I love smoky bacon chips, or sour cream and bacon chips, Party-mix which I like because it’s so much of everything and then there’s my favorite called Ringalos and they have Miss Vickie’s and Old Dutch and Humpty Dumpty and it just keeps going on.

I don’t overdo the junk food since I am trying to lose weight and trying to get into girls shape too. Actually I buy them to try, eat some and dad will literally eat anything and he’ll finish the rest off.

But I’m eating better and I swear it’s not just the hormones and the blockers but the air here and the lack of all of the stress here that’s really helping me.

And I’m on a diet.

Well sort of.

I’ve cut out a lot of protein and the bigger bulky stuff and I limit my junk food to 1 treat thing a day six days a week and Sunday we do a big group pot luck and that’s my cheat day.

But it’s actually been easy here on the farm.

There’s so much to snack on that it’s easy to just sort of graze. I mean fruit when you pretty much want it or getting veggies from the garden. I’ll be doing chore and I’ll do one tuna on whole wheat sandwich and the rest will be an apple and some peas and beans and maybe even leaf lettuce out of the garden.

And add in all of that work.

And Liz/Mom and me and the girls getting together in the hay barn on Saturday mornings and doing like yoga and exercises as like this whole sort of girl thing.

That’s pretty damned awesome too…and it’s fun.

And dad got us all bikes.

He knew this guy out by Wolfville that had bikes and was doing this bike rental thing for the college students and the guy wasn’t doing so well so he bought a whole bunch of old bikes from him and we all have bikes.

And I actually got to learn just how big a deal a bike was to the girls once I got the not from Canada/America perspective.

And it’s helped me lose some more weight too sort of and get my legs in shape some and it’s all…And that’s all sort of really starting.

My hair’s filling out.

My face is getting clearer and it’s smoothening out and I see less of him every day and more of me.

I’ve started the itchy chest boobs.

……………..

And that brings us to today and my first day seeing the gang without my inserts and just myself and a padded bra…well gels and a bikini top.

I’m all shaved and cleaned up and I’m wearing my hair down and I have a Vanilla-Sky tee-shirt on that Liz/Mom had made up and it’s a light powdery blue with an artist done picture of the orchards and the pressing barn and the archway sign for the driveway with the name.

I like them and I kind of wear it with pride…I’m part of this.

I have a pair of light sneakers on and a denim skirt and I’m a big beach bag with me and a cloth grocery shopping bag and I’ve got some changes of things with me and sunscreen and water and make-up and all sorts of purse things with me and we’re going out to the beach again for the day this time so I’ve rubber boots and bug spray and in the grocery bag I have some stuff I made and some salsa and some cooked ground beef and grated cheese and nacho chips and some of those heavy tinfoil roaster things that you see caterers use and some foil.

I just get my rubber boots cleaned off from the farm stuff when I see the old blue 80’s Crown Vic pulling up the yard and my heart does this flip-patter.

Shane.

Shane’s coming to pick me up.

Oh…and yet yay.

He pulls in and he’s.

He’s in shorts and they’re not too short but that’s it other than one of those straw cowboy hats and he’s got no shirt on and he’s even a little darker caramel colored and I can’t help but to stare.

Muscles on his chest and his arms and even some in his legs. He’s not like some huge guy buy he’s so…so...so definitely a guy and it’s making my girl thoughts certainly have girl thoughts and that’s still.

It’s yay and it’s scary and it’s really scary because it’s me being pretty sure that I like boys.

And definitely like this boy.

He comes over and he looks at me and he’s smiling. “So are you ready for like a full day?”

It’s actually Saturday morning…ish like ten thirty and I nod. “Really ready I’ve been wanting to have another beach day before school starts and everything.”

“Yeah us too and we’re actually I think going to have a good day.”

He takes my boots and the grocery bag and he grins. “Oh…noms, noms are good we’ve brought some too.”

The girls come out with us and that’s sort of a big deal that they’re going and stuff but Katelyn said that there was going to be lots of other girls there and that the girls would be okay and stuff from the guys and that the parents could stop by anytime that they wanted.

We all load into the car and load up the car since the girls just brought stuff too and clothes and things and food and we all pile into the car and…and I get front middle seat somehow.

Oh wow…and there’s the fact it’s a stick and Shane has to reach over and shift.

And I’m blushing.

But he passes me the CD case he has. “You’re in charge of the tunes okay?”

I nod and smile and have a little gulp inside. “Okay…sure.”

Wow…music here’s really different too in Canada.

Yeah they have the same sort of stuff online and things and all of that but they also listen to all of this old stuff all of the time too.

I sort of shy away front stuff that my step-dad would listen to though. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with country and Kid-Rock and all that rockabilly stuff but it’s just. It just leaves this whole sort of bad taste in my mouth.

So I put in this odd sounding band called The Tragically Hip and we start listening to that.

I kind of like it.

It’s really different, but I like it and I think that Daddy listens to this stuff.

We pull into Sully’s beach and right off I see things are different one there’s some of the grass mowed in the center of the road or track way coming it and then when we get to the ground there that’s above the beach like a bunch of the bushes are gone there and there’s the other cars there and I see two cars I don’t know and there’s Patrick and Dwayne there building this sort of…

“Is that an outhouse?”

Shane laughs. “Yes it is including a pit and all well enough from the beach and everything. Nothing but the best for the girls.'

I smile and blush. “Thank you, I don’t imagine there were a whole lot of us looking forward to using the woods.”

Shane nods. “Yeah given as we weren’t too sure that there’s be enough actual woods this close to the beach we thought this might be best.”

I smile and I’m still nervous just being around him.

I mean…

I’m feeling my attraction like I’ve got sunburn and he’s well…hot.

“I for one appreciate it considering I don’t really want to step in something.”

Shane laughs and helps with the stuff out of the trunk and he carries it over to these card tables that are sort of wedged with big chunky firewood into this sort of place to call a food prep place and then there’s another guy with a truck and he’s with Natasha and he’s got an older truck with the all metal tailgate and we’re actually tailgating.

This, this I know how to do actually.

Actually tailgating was sort of the one few things I didn’t mind doing home as a family of sorts.

Well except for the whole bullshit from my step-brother who would always say derogatory crap and call me stuff like pansy.

Well he can go and do rude sexually questionable things to himself.

I don’t have to deal with his stuff ever again.

Actually from any of them since they found out that I was actually transitioning.

The last letter from my mother was to say that she was praying for me and a whole bunch of like passive aggressive digs towards gays and trannies.

I sent her letter back with a few good Polaroid shots of me as me.

And I haven’t heard from them since.

Katelyn’s there and Natasha and some other girls too and I get introductions and so do the girls that are with me and one of the girls Amy? Starts talking to Anne in Pilipino or like whatever it’s called and we’re all sort of getting out things organized.

The grass is short now and someone mowed it here and that’s nice.

There’s a big firepit down at the beach with stones and everything and a big pile of driftwood.

Someone actually brought a bunch of those folding aluminum lawn chairs and there’s coolers full of pop and juices and waters and then there’s buckets and clamming gear too and there’s like twenty or thirty of us?

Holy…holy wow I’m at a high school party.

I’m actually at the pre-high school high school party and I’m not like being ignored or teased or made to feel like crap.

The tide’s still going out so there’s some drinks passed out and Dwayne actually has a stereo like for a house in set up with this cute little camping generator thing from like Black and Decker? And music starts to play with something called *Patio Lanterns* I’ve never heard it before and we’re all just talking and listening to music and some people are setting up like tents and stuff too.

I actually hear that some of them are going to be staying the night and me and the girls still have a midnight curfew and that’s mostly because we’re being careful and stuff but because we’ve got church tomorrow too.

Yeah church, we actually go and I actually don’t get accosted or anything.

Sure there’s a few odd and sort of hurtful looks from some people but not that many and most people have been pretty good about the whole thing with me.

And the girls and their families are big church goers.

But this, being included and hanging out with these other kids and getting things together and talking and having fun is so just amazing.

It’s like something that I’d have never like dreamed of being possible only a year ago, less than a year ago.

There’s some LGBT kids here!

I see two guys that are sort of cute holding hands!

And I see one girl actually show up and kiss another girl like fully on the lips!

Okay part of me is very squee.

And I know that it’s sort of like odd to be happy as I am over this but with them here I suddenly feel a lot less out of place.

And that and the fact that really, like physically I’m not that out of sorts here. There’s three girls here taller than me and there’s a couple of heavier one’s than me and a few that we’re close and then there’s lots of like just regular girls it’s helping that I am fitting in more.

I put my can of iced tea in the big blue bag we have for the recyclables and I turn to see Shane there and he’s offering me s big triangle slice of watermelon.

Watermelon tastes different up here it’s actually good but not as sweet as ours usually are.

But I still like it and it’s still yummy.

“Thanks, this is quite the shindig.”

He grins. “Shindig?”

“Not enough music for a hootenanny.”

He laughs.

Oh that’s kind of yay.

I made him laugh.

And that makes me feel yay.

“I’m glad that you’re liking it we try to have a big get together a couple of times before school starts and before we’re doing blueberries.”

I nod. “I’ve been hearing a lot about that here, it’s a pretty big thing?”

“Yeah if you’re a good raker or can get onto a harvester crew.”

“So what are you doing?”

“Both.”

I look at Shane. “Both?”

He nods. “It’s really good money and I’m a good raker and I need the money for school and for my car and some other stuff.”

“Other stuff?”

“University for one.”

I wince. “Oh yeah I’ve still got to really make a plan on that too.”

Shane is eating but trying not to be a pig or something and he’s got some paper towel and passes me some as we’re eating.

“I’m not sure what I’m going to do since there’s a lot of things that I want to do but I was actually thinking of going to trade school instead of university.”

I eat some and wipe then swallow. “Really?”

Shane nods. “My dad says that there’s a whole lot of older people in the trades retiring and there’s not a lot of people to like fill the space and stuff.”

I look towards home. “I was thinking business school and maybe cooking or something to do with the vineyard. I like working there and we have so much.”

He nods. “Maybe like one of those vineyard café restaurants you hear about on like the wine tours.”

“Ooooh….I never even thought of that.”

No seriously that’s a good idea.

And it happened before I could stop myself and I’m suddenly hugging him and we kiss.

It was a small kiss, it was a thank you kiss but it was a kiss from me…from a girl like me to a boy.

And Shane doesn’t freak out.

“Oh…sorry…sorry..”

He looks at me. “Why?”

“I got excited by the cool idea.”

“No…why are you sorry?”

I stop.

“Because I hugged you and kissed you.”

“I know, still trying to get why that’s a bad thing.”

“Because I’m trans…”

He looks amused. “I know and I’m still trying to get why this is a bad thing.”

“I…”

I have no idea what to say and he walks away backwards a bit before turning and going over to the other guys.

And I have no clue what to do or what just happened so I shove an extra big chunk of watermelon in my mouth.

I can’t help but to watch him too with this funny feeling that sort of is running through me and I can’t help but to notice the feeling.

Serious butterflies and lightning.

I’m standing there eating and watching the guys go out and they have buckets and clamming gear and then Katelyn comes over and she hip bumps me.

I look at her and color.

She grins. “So that’s a definite nod to liking boys?”

“Yeah, I really think so yeah.”

“So how’s that playing out in your head?” She actually sounds concerned.

“I don’t know, I’m scared…there’s the trans thing and the she was a boy thing and then there’s the gay stuff and I’m like terrified of how I feel but I want to feel this too, it’s like…it’s like that scary-good-tingly feeling is something that I want to feel, to like crush on people and maybe have it back like any other girl.”

Katelyn nods. “We seriously take stuff for granted us Cis-folks.”

“Cis-folks?” I look at her.

She nods. “I’ve been reading up on stuff.”

I start walking because she’s walking. “A lot of people don’t like that label.”

She makes a face. “I can sort of see their arguments too but at the same time it’s better than non-trans and a lot of these people against Cis are like these really nasty people in that whole radfem crowd who basically don’t like that things are like equaled out.”

I nod and I make a face. “I honestly really try and to stay away and out of trans things and Terf things online it really for a lot of it is like triggering or just makes me feel like sad and anxious.”

Katelyn nods. “Gotcha I’ll like tone down my allyship rhetoric and stuff, I just wanted you to know we’re like cool with it.”

I smile and I give her a hug. “You’re awesome for even trying.”

She grins and we go and we help the other girls with the other stuff while the guys are all out clamming.

It’s actually nice getting things all set up and yeah it’s sort of cliché with the girls doing this and the guys out there but it’s not like that it’s actually a good time and there really isn’t anyone doing stuff they don’t want to do.

There’s some guys on the beach doing other stuff and there a guys and girls game of Frisbee going on too so it’s like not all of us doing “the girl thing” just some of us.

And I really don’t mind.

A lot of it’s like food prep and that’s like mixing things and getting stuff set into the coolers and we have lots of stuff that’s camping and beach friendly. We’ve got stuff to cook it too like fry pans and there’s like three hibachi grills on the back of one of the tailgates and there’s one of those hot plates set up too with that little generator.

We make potato salad and it’s not like I’ve ever seen, well other than like here and it’s lots of boiled potatoes and then there’s diced onion and celery that’s raw and then there’s diced dill and sweet pickles and capers and they put apple cider vinegar in it all and then there’s whole grain mustard and Miracle-Whip and the strangest thing of all is that they put boiled eggs in it and canned peas.

Home it’s potatoes and it’s celery and sometimes a little bit of relish but corn sometimes and it’s like mayonnaise and sometimes some sour cream.

This, this is like some kind of cold casserole that’s going into the coolers.

And someone brought like mini-hot dogs and sliders and things and then there’s potato chips and dips and there’s tortilla chips and salsa.

Boughten salsa…and that’s kinda…But it’s still stuff people brought.

I take out the stuff that I brought and that’s Tostito cups those chips and I bought two bags of the whole wheat ones and I have a seven layer dip that’s like salsa that I made and cream cheese and then there’s like refried beans and more salsa, basic coleslaw and there’s chili-sauce cooked ground pork, then there’s black beans and then there’s some shredded cheese and on top it’s pretty much your standard seven layer dip.

And I have Caesar mini-salad and that’s Iceberg and Romaine lettuce chopped really fine like ribbons and then I added a jalapeno all chopped up for a little zing and three cloves of garlic all chopped up because it’s like Caesar salad and I have chopped bacon into little bits and I have some grilled boneless skinless chicken breast I cubed really fine too and all I have to do now is to dress it before I serve it up and that’s with like just Caesar salad dressing and a bag of asiago cheese because I could get a bag of that shredded from Kraft at the grocery store and it’s like sharp and salty enough.

The guys are coming in or some of them with buckets and I see Dwayne taker them and he pours them into this big Rubbermaid tub and he’s adding this bit of cornmeal to the water with like sugar in it?

He looks at me. “They’ll smell the sugar and the cornmeal is like grit so these clams in new water will suck that in and they’ll spit out the sand that’s like in them.”

“Oh…wow I mean I don’t know much about clams or clamming but that’s something that I’ve never heard of before.”

He grins. “We’ll get them cleaning themselves out then we’ll do up a big feed and have fun.”

I nod and I watch what the others are doing still trying to help but like not trying to get in anyone’s way and sort of caught between having a good time and being a wallflower.

I’m still even now really trying to get used to people outside the girls calling me Samantha or even just Sam in that girl way and then realizing they’re actually talking to me.

I do find myself talking more and more especially when there’s lots of questions about down home and how things are down there.

And…it’s so unusual to get asked if I can speak southern belle.

I’ve never really wanted to because of home and it’s not like all of the people that live in the south have an accent it’s a kind of regional thing that some folks have and some folks don’t really.

I’ve never picked it up just naturally but like anyone that lives in anyplace like known for a type of accent we can sure add it on.

Which actually gets funny with the girls doing their accents but like exaggeratedly and then there’s some of the locals that do Franglais which is like the French but English version of Spanglish that we have in the states and then we have the guy with the half ton with the tail-gate kitchen we’re using called Dylan he’s doing this thing called “Newfie” and I can sort of get most of it and then Natasha who has family in the states but like out in Wisconsin is doing this “Ooooh…hey…don’tcha-know. “ and “You betcha”

It’s like she’s right off of that show Fargo or something and it’s a whole lot of fun.

Then the rest of the guys are coming in with clams and someone has a bucket of something called razor clams and then there’s like this big bucket of mussels and some of the guys start to clean the beards off of them and stuff and I’ve never had mussels before but I’m willing to try them.

Then the guys are getting clean and someone starts a water fight and then there’s yelling and screaming but like all fun yelling and screaming as the guys are now trying ti get some of the girls wet and other people are getting caught in it and I’m trying to not get hit but that’s not working and I’m doing that arms up and vainly trying to block myself from getting too wet and it’s not working and I’m soon wet and I’m splashed.

And then there’s some laughing and stuff and I’m…

My shirt if soaked and it’s right through to my things underneath and with this look from a few and a huge gulp of air I peel out of the tee-shirt and there I am in a top, it a bikini top and the wet skin and coastal summer breeze on my skin and blowing my hair and I’m blushing like crazy and almost cringing and I look to see who’s looking and yeah there are a few and some of the boys are grinning?

Oh shit!

Blush!!!

They’re grinning and staring at my chest which seemed a whole lot smaller when I left the house and under a tee-shirt.

My face is so hot too and my cheeks are burning and burning and why…why can’t I stop smiling though even though my frigging ears feel hot.

“Hey towel?”

I look to see Shane there and he’s sort of drying himself off.

Which means he’s wet.

And that is oh.

Oh holy cheese oh….oh wow.

I was never that, I could like never be that like him I mean it’s just he’s all and I want to…I want to touch him.

Does it feel like this with other girls when they have someone that they like?

I reach out and I take the towel and I’m still blushing and I’m careful dabbing myself dry and Shane’s watching me as he’s getting a can of iced tea, he raises an eyebrow and I nod. It’s kind of nice too because it’s Arizona iced tea and that’s a brand from home even though my favorite is actually the Georgia brand itself and their sweet tea.

It’s still a nice taste from home sort of and it’s better than the Snapple or Lipton versions.

He brings us each a can and I pass him back his towel.

“Thanks.”

He opens my can for me and that…that was kinda cool.

I know that sounds weird and stuff too but it was.

Shane flips the towel over and around his neck and the music seems to change with him looking at me and he takes a drink and then offers his hand.

“Want to dance with me?”

I look and the music’s cranking up and we’re all here so people are actually yeah starting to dance.

“Uhm…okay, I’ve never really done this though with a boy.”

“Think of this as like training for like all the school dances.”

“I…” Oh…oh well actually going to a school dance never crossed my mind.

He takes my hand and we set down our drinks and it’s kind of nice this is the dry kind of party and we don’t have to wonder about stuff like home.

For a place with a legal drinking age of twenty one there was a lot of kids that lived to get wasted and thought that was having fun.

Then again it was Atlanta and there’s a huge difference between here and there.

We start dancing and trying that first dance… *Two Princes?* to get sort of into the rhythm with everyone else dancing out there on the sand.

I’m so not used to the music around here.

They actually sang along with *Life was a Highway*?

Okay a good song by still like so different.

The music’s still good… *Head over feet.*
*Good vibrations*
*My future’s so bright I gotta wear shades*
*Glory days*
*Soak up the sun*
*All I wanna do is have some fun*
*Kiss me*
*West coast*

And there’s a whole lot of others but it’s this mix of like old stuff and semi-pop and it’s fun.

And I’ve never danced so much either.

I dance with Shane and then I dance with Patrick and then this guy called Blake who’s shy and really quiet but wow can he dance and it was a lot to like keep up with him and I can just like sort of see him on an actual dance floor or something.

Then there’s like this girl mix that gets put in as the guys are getting out blankets and stuff and the sun’s starting to set and they’re building a fire…a pretty big fire and they’re so being guys about it. A lot of us girls just sort of watch and keep dancing and stuff mostly together and it’s fun too since we’re also like showing each other stuff or like how to do certain like dance moves and I’m actually…

I’m actually showing them things here too.

I mean I’m a self-taught bedroom sort of girl dancer but the stuff that I do is from home and it’s definitely different than some of the stuff here and the girls with me are doing that too and there’s this whole kind of thing going on where we’re just having so much fun and we’re being ourselves.

I’m one…really happy that I actually don’t have two left feet.

And there hits this thing in all of that when I actually forget about everything that I used to be and it’s just Samantha.

Me.

This is my place, my friends and this is like so my time.

We stop to just listen to tunes and eat after that and even that’s fun. I actually cleavage drip a few times and it’s laugh worthy kind of stuff and I’m not the only one either but it’s just such a natural thing right now that it’s wonderfully fun.

Some of the clams get boiled plain and some get the butter and garlic butter treatment and the razor clams do too and Dwayne had a pot for the hot plate and he heats up oil in it and he does up fried clams in just buttermilk then rolled in flour and salt and pepper.

The first fresh fried clams I’ve ever had and I like them and the guys that got the razor clams fried those and then with some melted garlic butter put them on hot dog buns like a po’boy with like not much else on them and really they don’t need it and…and…and…

I end up sharing one with Shane sort of out of the blue and I’m eating the bite he fed me and there’s hot juices and butter running down my chin and he uses the towel to wipe it away and he’s so close.

“Sam…”

“Mmm?” My mouth was full and I’m trying to do that fast chew and swallow thing.

“I like you.”

Big hard swallow and then some ice tea.

(Breathy-pant.) “You do?...I mean I like you too.”

Blush…

“Can I kiss you?”

“I…” (Swallow then tiny voice…) “Okay…”

And he does, he leans in and over and he gives me my first real kiss on the lips and I’m inhaling and inhaling and filling like a balloon ready to burst with air and feelings and then he keeps kissing me, or like he just sort of starts all over again and I have no choice but to exhale and when I’m doing that and Shane kissing me it’s like part of my brain goes the way of all of the butter out there in the pots and melts.

In that delicious melty he sort of tastes salty and kind of sweet way.

And we break the kiss to stare at each other.

And he smiles and he blushes too some.

“That was amazing.”

“That…” I nod.

That was my first kiss, my like first real kiss.

I look at him. “You don’t mind all the rest of it?”

Shane shakes his head no. “All I know is you Sam and nothing else and yeah you’re a little different but you’re not that different.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really.”

“But sex?”

He grins. “Aren’t you the one being forward?”

Blush… “Shaaaaane.”

Some of the girls laugh hearing that.

“Let’s figure that stuff out if we get to the point of figuring that stuff out.”

“I…but…what…?”

He blushes and he grins through it. “I like you, I like you a lot you’re shy and smart and you’re funny and you’re really honest about stuff and who you are and that’s like things I’m seriously looking for in a girlfriend.”

Gulp.

“Girlfriend?”

He slips his fingers into mine and he looks at me. “Girlfriend…go out with me? I know we don’t have a whole lot of summer left but I’d actually be really happy if you’d go out with me some.”

“Like more than once?”

“Like more than once I hope, but we can like have a first date first and like go from there?”

My heart’s beating so fast and I’m not sure if this night’s even real at this point but I sort of do this bobble head nod and say. “Yes, I mean I’d like that too.”

Then we’re like both sitting there and holding hands and smiling and both sort of slide closer and we share a small kiss again.

*Epilogue….

The rest of the party went really well and Shane and I sort of stuck close and we ate and danced and talked and we even went just for a beach walk and held hand and it was about eleven when he drove me and the girls all home after we all had such a huge welcome of all these hugs and trades on numbers and e-mails and Facebook stuff.

All of our parents were thrilled to have us all home and all sober and actually bearing some leftovers and things.

Dad and Mom really tucked into the fried clams we brought back with us.

And then there was this whole explosion in the kitchen with Mom and the girls and me and the other Moms when it became the whole we danced with boys, we talked with boys and I was asked out.

And it was this whole until three in the morning girls and woman’s thing.

Even with the girls it was a huge thing for them and fun for their moms too, like they might be careful and stuff and want the girls and me safe but they were like all our ages and there’s so much we all have in common.

Including this whole sort of Mom wishes that we all got to do this and actually be ourselves and be girls and have fun and not grow up too fast.

It was smiles and stories and laughs and tears and chocolate ice cream and churros.

*** Shane and I had a second date…it was actually at the movies.

Then we sort of had this sort of date when it was like time to like harvest all this corn and I took the job too as did like everyone since it’s like a pretty big deal here and it’s all bound for the grocery stores and they actually tent to not pick it with a machine.

It’s actually pretty cool in the tall stalks and there are nowhere near the bugs or the kinds of bugs here that we have down home and we have these big shoulder bag packs to fill and you just take off the ear and dump it over your shoulder.

Thankfully Dwayne was there at the end by the wagons to muscle the bags off and dump them and we get our ticket punched for five dollars.

We had a picnic lunch date.

I made sweet tea like from home and we had chili-dogs.

I made chili and put it in a soup thermos and it had room for the hot dogs so I grilled four at home and I stuck them in the chili and took the buns and some coleslaw and a spoon with me.

Then he came and worked for dad when the apples came due and we spent a lot of time together then.

It was dating and sort of not dating?

But it was fun.

Even just going for drives.

And me and him at the laundromat in town as he was washing his blueberry clothes and use eating bagged popcorn from the video store in the crappy seats and watching DVD’s together on my laptop.

We did a whole lot of stuff and we still are.

I’ve changed a little more, grown into myself a little physically more and into myself inside a huge amount more to go with all of that.

Such a huge difference that the love of family and having someone makes.

And well as to how things might go this year, my first year at my new school well I don’t know but I’m wearing Shane’s jacket his high school jacket not a grad jacket or a team one but it’s still well y’know.

We’re going steady.

And I just don’t have a fresh start but I actually have a life, a good life now and it’s just going to get better I think.

I hope.

And if y’all read this and well here’s to y’all having hope too.