Vanilla Sky…part four.

Honestly I’m bubbling over inside.

I’ve got my hand filled with a bunch of tissues half the time and I’m getting to do stuff that I’ve wanted to always do. I’m playing girls games. I mean it too like hopscotch and we skip rope and sing those little chants that we have for when we do and I even take my turn at playing with the hula hoop.

So I’m crying as it all bubbles out of me and laughing…laughing at getting some of the little girl jokes or just how fun it is.

I don’t know any older transgirls but me I’ve know forever that I’m not a boy, never was, never will be and I had all these little things that so many little girls had denied to me. It was either by fear or more fear from my Step dad and my mom and stepsiblings.

But…

I just had a three way conversation with a seven and a nine year old girl about which is better the old My little pony and the new My little pony.

And yeah I’m way older but they treated me just like as real a girl as them.

And Dad’s taking pictures and Lizzie keeps getting me spare tissues and I cry on her twice…because I’m happy but there’s also a big ball of “Why” hurt inside that’s starting to unravel and stuff.

But she’s there.

I’m so used to shoving it all in until it hurts.

I’m so not used to someone, to so many people actually giving a shit. And dad…oh my god dad if he wasn’t over the moon cool enough as it was he get’s me a bottle of water and sits me on the swings to cool off from all the stuff going on and he…he pushes me on the swings.

Slowly and gently and he must have did that for the longest time and I only stop to go and help with the dishes. Some of the women there were going to say no but Lizzie looks at me and smiles and passes me a dish towel. “You can help dry so you get to know where everything goes.”

I know that a normal kid wouldn’t want to do the dishes and I’m likely strange for that but it to my step dad was women’s stuff and I was “A woman enough already.” He’d never get that wasn’t exactly an insult and would’ve just gotten him mad enough to make things worse.

But this… this was more than dishes to me.

This was getting to be part of the older women and teen girls. And this was us all talking and laughing and even nibbling at leftovers as we put them away or put them in things for people to take home with them.

I feel sort of strange just kind of bursting out about all this but it’s like a dream come true just being normal and being one of the girls only it’s not a dream because I could never come up with the accents or some of the thinks that these women are saying. Some of its pretty racy stuff but some of its clothes and kids and for some of the teenagers there boys.

I’m relieved when I find out that none of these girls here yet have a boyfriend yet. The all have boys that they like and stuff but no boyfriends.

It’s still a little intimidating especially since I’m not sure of my sexuality and stuff but by the time we’re done Selina, Anita, and Mercedes and Flora and Anne three Hispanic girls and two Pinays? I hope I got that right.

They got together and decided to help me move into my room.

So it’s upstairs all the way upstairs to what was the attic and….okay the ceiling’s got the whole slant thing going on but it’s tall and not cramped at all. I’m staring the entire attic by the looks of it is mine…?

I’ve got that hardwood click flooring and there’s a bathroom all my own with a big and shower unit and then there’s this really big closet not a walk in but six feet wide and I’ve these really nice looking tall white dressers with brass fittings as the handles on either side of this matching dressing room table…with this huge mirror and I’m just…

And there’s a matching daybed in white enameled metal right across from it that is just…

I’m getting hugged because I’m crying again and it’s just so much…

Then I see the best thing of all.

My Daddy made me a window seat. At the far end of my room and the house is this big round leaded glass circular window set in this bigger old fashioned bay window and right under it is this window seat…with cushioning set up but also lots of little pillows and each of the side walls of the seat are shelves for books and stuff.

I’m holding my hand over my mouth as I check it out and I do a little bouncy squee as I sit and the girls are all happy for me too and I look out the window and I can see the back part of the Vineyard and see just some of the gardens and stuff but it’s mostly these little sort of gentle rolling fields and so many fruit trees.

I’m picturing it all in blossoms and I hug myself and get all teary eyed and Anne sits in front of me and wipes my face.

“Sorry…”

“No…no be sorry you can cry…you get to be you now.”

Oh shit oh crap they know…they know?

I’m looking around at them waiting for stuff to start and them to freak out on me and stuff and they just look and smile or grin. Flora smiles and pops her gum. “Hey no big eh? My cousin a lady boi, she live in Germany as model and stuff and she cool she send my family money to afford to come here.”

Anita comes over and hugs me. “Samanta, chu so not a boy. An if chu not a boi then you a girl right?’

(Sniffle.) “R..right…I was scared you’d find out and you’d hate me for being a freak.”

“Freak, you not a freak.” Anita hugs me again. “If you’re a freak then I’ma freak.”

“Nuh-huh, you’re beautiful.”

Selina grins “Trus us you not a freak, Mercedes now she is a freak.” Mercedes squawks and grabs a pillow and swings at Selina who yells. “Mercedes was born with a tail!”

The whole thing turns into a pillow fight and there’s six screaming girls in the room including me.

Anita looks at me when we’re all panting and grinning. “Trus us hunny you are a girl, you need bigger boobies though the thing yous have aren’t big enough.”

Which get’s the girls cracking up and Flora and Anne already fighting over my gel forms when I’m done with them because their too small. Mercedes chimes in on that one too. “Chu? Chu think you are too small in the boobs? Chwana look at me I am the twin sister of John Liguizzano in a dress.”

And Anita and Selina both scream out. “Chi-chi we love you chi-chi!”

I’m laughing so hard it hurts and Flora and Anne look confused and even with their English being okay you try to explain Too Wong Fu to people that are English as a second language types.

Thank god for You Tube.

Then it turns into a fashion show as I have to try on things and different looks and stuff before my things get into my closet and we do things with my hair and my make-up and even dance and play music.

Selina can really dance and so can Anita, Mercedes has two left feet and I’m about on par amazingly enough with Anne and Flora.

It’s amazing how despite their heavy accents the girls for the most part can sing really well in English and Mercedes is the best and she can belt out the songs like Celine Dion and even Whitney Houston.

Anita has a cousin for everything…if you said you knew someone who lost both legs and a hand to a barber accident Anita has a cousin that does. And Flora does too.

It’s funny as heck when they get going and start to compare cousin storied in this one upswomanship kind of thing.

I’m tired out by the time it gets close to ten at night and I walk the girls home just to see where each of them lives. It’s neat that they live here on the vineyard with us and that they are as happy as they are.

I like the community feel that the place has here and every one of their parents are happy to see me and offer me a bite of something or a drink of something. I generally say no politely and say that I’m stuff which I am still and I take my time going back to the house and just getting a chance to breathe and take all of this in.

I see dad inside and I go over and I hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you Daddy, thank you I love all of it…everything.”

“Kitten you’re my baby girl…” he kisses me on my forehead. “I’m your Dad…and god let me be a lucky enough guy to get to love you and see you become this amazing young woman.”

“Daaddy…”

“I’m serious Samantha…you are so brave just being you…I…you’ve walked through so much hell already just to get here…I mean it, I can’t wait to see the woman you’re going to become.”

(Glomphy-sniffles.) “Daddy…” I hug him really tight this time and he gives me this big almost bear hug kind of squeeze and I let him…he could hug me twice as tight and it’d still be awesome.

Because he’s my daddy and every little girl need a daddy like him…

To love me as I am.

To hold me for his own sake.

To chase away the monsters.

To make me feel safe.

All my life the girl I am has missed these arms and being that safe…he can hold me like that all he wants…

My first night home teenager or not my daddy carried me to my room and tucked me into bed.