Vanilla Sky…Part 10. The Finale

*Before…

Liz smiles at me and she shows me what to do with my coat and my purse and the waiter comes back. “What can I get you ladies?’
Ladies….wow…that felt really good.
And not just the recognition or maybe not getting recognized but this is…I’m out on a girls lunch just like those women I’d watch doing the same for so long and now it’s me.
I get the soup of the day and a small garden salad and Liz gets the same and the canapé small tray for us too and she orders two glasses of sparkling cider.
I look at her when it comes and she passes me one and I take it. “You’re too young for a champagne lunch Sam so it’s this and ginger ale for now.” She smiles and she does the chink glasses and toast thing. “To your first day.”
We clink glasses and I blush and I take a little breath and look her in the eyes. “Thanks Mom, thanks for all of this.”
I called her mom and I really, really meant it.

* And Now…

That was a good day and it wasn’t the last.

Liz/Mom doesn’t push things with us but she just takes me as I am and I do my work in the different parts of the farm helping out as well as things in the orchards and with the gardens and to some extent with the vineyard too.

And the office, at least a few days a week and I’m in the office and there I get to dress office pretty and I have an excuse for shopping for it and things.

Actually I need a lot of things despite how much Daddy spent trying to outfit me with all of the stuff that I didn’t have.

But there’s a lot, a lot of stuff that girls that get to be girls all of their lives just sort of have.

And yes I’m saving money up for things and all but I’m still shopping.

Anna and Mercedes and the girls are too and they have stuff they need to since we’re all sort of looking at it like…

We moved…there was something bad like a twister in our lives before coming here and it’s like we lost all of our stuff and we’re starting over.

I mean ribbons and hair elastics, crowns and clips and scrunches and comb-clips and that’s just some of the stuff for hair and that’s not counting combs and brushes and trimmers and shampoos and conditioners and treatments and all of those things plus nails and nail stuff and jewelry and mock-jewelry.

I like mock-jewelry it’s plastic and there’s a lot of cuteness and fun to it and you don’t have to usually worry about a faux-turquoise bracelet turning your wrist green.

And Mom/Liz shops with me sometimes too and so does some of the other mom’s and the girls especially when we went again to Halifax and to the Mic Mac Mall and we’re all sort of behind in things even the mom’s and it was this huge deal with like three cars and one of the trucks from the farm with the cap on the box for us to put all of our bags and things.

I so get it too…never having nice things that were “Your Nice Things.”

And then there’s just the looking and shopping together, and getting junk food and eating together.

And changing together.

Safety in numbers.

And this huge, huge thing where we’re getting into that kind of trust and sister-friends stuff where I’m just like them…and I know that race and trans is a thing like we shouldn’t like measure and stuff but it’s just sort of become this whole… Native, Pilipino, Mexican and Dominican and Trans girls.

It’s so much more than nice too to have this be a non-thing for me now.

I mean it’s a thing and it’ll likely always be a thing but it’s very quickly going from….

I’m trans and my name is Samantha.

To…

I’m Samantha and I just happen to be trans.

And that’s feeling good.

I like Canada, it’s nice here and I know that I’m still seeing it with rose colored glasses but people here are nice. I know there’s buttheads everywhere but it’s not like home. I mean home you can actually see if you’re paying attention to it people being racist and stuff.

At the mall there’s black people and I don’t see the security guys following them around, I don’t see people being the way they were home to them and the same for the girls with me. I don’t see anyone here giving them the go back to where you came from looks.

Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of nice people home and there’s people that are very open minded and nice and all but there’s just more…more people not willing to use that side of freedom of speech here.

And guns.

I haven’t seen a gun on people here at all…only on the police, not even on the security people.

And that’s weird because literally people here don’t even think about it…I mean it’s like it literally never crosses their minds here.

And honestly there’s like people around here are missing that knot of tension in the air.

And debit cards here or banking cards here.

They’re everywhere, no one uses cheques for much and no one uses cash that much either and you can even just tap your card to the card reader instead of swiping and stuff.

And they have Starbucks but they have more Tim Horton’s and they have all of the chips.

Like all of them.

Every time I go to the store for junk food I get a new flavor of chips.

Or type.

I love smoky bacon chips, or sour cream and bacon chips, Party-mix which I like because it’s so much of everything and then there’s my favorite called Ringalos and they have Miss Vickie’s and Old Dutch and Humpty Dumpty and it just keeps going on.

I don’t overdo the junk food since I am trying to lose weight and trying to get into girls shape too. Actually I buy them to try, eat some and dad will literally eat anything and he’ll finish the rest off.

But I’m eating better and I swear it’s not just the hormones and the blockers but the air here and the lack of all of the stress here that’s really helping me.

And I’m on a diet.

Well sort of.

I’ve cut out a lot of protein and the bigger bulky stuff and I limit my junk food to 1 treat thing a day six days a week and Sunday we do a big group pot luck and that’s my cheat day.

But it’s actually been easy here on the farm.

There’s so much to snack on that it’s easy to just sort of graze. I mean fruit when you pretty much want it or getting veggies from the garden. I’ll be doing chore and I’ll do one tuna on whole wheat sandwich and the rest will be an apple and some peas and beans and maybe even leaf lettuce out of the garden.

And add in all of that work.

And Liz/Mom and me and the girls getting together in the hay barn on Saturday mornings and doing like yoga and exercises as like this whole sort of girl thing.

That’s pretty damned awesome too…and it’s fun.

And dad got us all bikes.

He knew this guy out by Wolfville that had bikes and was doing this bike rental thing for the college students and the guy wasn’t doing so well so he bought a whole bunch of old bikes from him and we all have bikes.

And I actually got to learn just how big a deal a bike was to the girls once I got the not from Canada/America perspective.

And it’s helped me lose some more weight too sort of and get my legs in shape some and it’s all…And that’s all sort of really starting.

My hair’s filling out.

My face is getting clearer and it’s smoothening out and I see less of him every day and more of me.

I’ve started the itchy chest boobs.

……………..

And that brings us to today and my first day seeing the gang without my inserts and just myself and a padded bra…well gels and a bikini top.

I’m all shaved and cleaned up and I’m wearing my hair down and I have a Vanilla-Sky tee-shirt on that Liz/Mom had made up and it’s a light powdery blue with an artist done picture of the orchards and the pressing barn and the archway sign for the driveway with the name.

I like them and I kind of wear it with pride…I’m part of this.

I have a pair of light sneakers on and a denim skirt and I’m a big beach bag with me and a cloth grocery shopping bag and I’ve got some changes of things with me and sunscreen and water and make-up and all sorts of purse things with me and we’re going out to the beach again for the day this time so I’ve rubber boots and bug spray and in the grocery bag I have some stuff I made and some salsa and some cooked ground beef and grated cheese and nacho chips and some of those heavy tinfoil roaster things that you see caterers use and some foil.

I just get my rubber boots cleaned off from the farm stuff when I see the old blue 80’s Crown Vic pulling up the yard and my heart does this flip-patter.

Shane.

Shane’s coming to pick me up.

Oh…and yet yay.

He pulls in and he’s.

He’s in shorts and they’re not too short but that’s it other than one of those straw cowboy hats and he’s got no shirt on and he’s even a little darker caramel colored and I can’t help but to stare.

Muscles on his chest and his arms and even some in his legs. He’s not like some huge guy buy he’s so…so...so definitely a guy and it’s making my girl thoughts certainly have girl thoughts and that’s still.

It’s yay and it’s scary and it’s really scary because it’s me being pretty sure that I like boys.

And definitely like this boy.

He comes over and he looks at me and he’s smiling. “So are you ready for like a full day?”

It’s actually Saturday morning…ish like ten thirty and I nod. “Really ready I’ve been wanting to have another beach day before school starts and everything.”

“Yeah us too and we’re actually I think going to have a good day.”

He takes my boots and the grocery bag and he grins. “Oh…noms, noms are good we’ve brought some too.”

The girls come out with us and that’s sort of a big deal that they’re going and stuff but Katelyn said that there was going to be lots of other girls there and that the girls would be okay and stuff from the guys and that the parents could stop by anytime that they wanted.

We all load into the car and load up the car since the girls just brought stuff too and clothes and things and food and we all pile into the car and…and I get front middle seat somehow.

Oh wow…and there’s the fact it’s a stick and Shane has to reach over and shift.

And I’m blushing.

But he passes me the CD case he has. “You’re in charge of the tunes okay?”

I nod and smile and have a little gulp inside. “Okay…sure.”

Wow…music here’s really different too in Canada.

Yeah they have the same sort of stuff online and things and all of that but they also listen to all of this old stuff all of the time too.

I sort of shy away front stuff that my step-dad would listen to though. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with country and Kid-Rock and all that rockabilly stuff but it’s just. It just leaves this whole sort of bad taste in my mouth.

So I put in this odd sounding band called The Tragically Hip and we start listening to that.

I kind of like it.

It’s really different, but I like it and I think that Daddy listens to this stuff.

We pull into Sully’s beach and right off I see things are different one there’s some of the grass mowed in the center of the road or track way coming it and then when we get to the ground there that’s above the beach like a bunch of the bushes are gone there and there’s the other cars there and I see two cars I don’t know and there’s Patrick and Dwayne there building this sort of…

“Is that an outhouse?”

Shane laughs. “Yes it is including a pit and all well enough from the beach and everything. Nothing but the best for the girls.'

I smile and blush. “Thank you, I don’t imagine there were a whole lot of us looking forward to using the woods.”

Shane nods. “Yeah given as we weren’t too sure that there’s be enough actual woods this close to the beach we thought this might be best.”

I smile and I’m still nervous just being around him.

I mean…

I’m feeling my attraction like I’ve got sunburn and he’s well…hot.

“I for one appreciate it considering I don’t really want to step in something.”

Shane laughs and helps with the stuff out of the trunk and he carries it over to these card tables that are sort of wedged with big chunky firewood into this sort of place to call a food prep place and then there’s another guy with a truck and he’s with Natasha and he’s got an older truck with the all metal tailgate and we’re actually tailgating.

This, this I know how to do actually.

Actually tailgating was sort of the one few things I didn’t mind doing home as a family of sorts.

Well except for the whole bullshit from my step-brother who would always say derogatory crap and call me stuff like pansy.

Well he can go and do rude sexually questionable things to himself.

I don’t have to deal with his stuff ever again.

Actually from any of them since they found out that I was actually transitioning.

The last letter from my mother was to say that she was praying for me and a whole bunch of like passive aggressive digs towards gays and trannies.

I sent her letter back with a few good Polaroid shots of me as me.

And I haven’t heard from them since.

Katelyn’s there and Natasha and some other girls too and I get introductions and so do the girls that are with me and one of the girls Amy? Starts talking to Anne in Pilipino or like whatever it’s called and we’re all sort of getting out things organized.

The grass is short now and someone mowed it here and that’s nice.

There’s a big firepit down at the beach with stones and everything and a big pile of driftwood.

Someone actually brought a bunch of those folding aluminum lawn chairs and there’s coolers full of pop and juices and waters and then there’s buckets and clamming gear too and there’s like twenty or thirty of us?

Holy…holy wow I’m at a high school party.

I’m actually at the pre-high school high school party and I’m not like being ignored or teased or made to feel like crap.

The tide’s still going out so there’s some drinks passed out and Dwayne actually has a stereo like for a house in set up with this cute little camping generator thing from like Black and Decker? And music starts to play with something called *Patio Lanterns* I’ve never heard it before and we’re all just talking and listening to music and some people are setting up like tents and stuff too.

I actually hear that some of them are going to be staying the night and me and the girls still have a midnight curfew and that’s mostly because we’re being careful and stuff but because we’ve got church tomorrow too.

Yeah church, we actually go and I actually don’t get accosted or anything.

Sure there’s a few odd and sort of hurtful looks from some people but not that many and most people have been pretty good about the whole thing with me.

And the girls and their families are big church goers.

But this, being included and hanging out with these other kids and getting things together and talking and having fun is so just amazing.

It’s like something that I’d have never like dreamed of being possible only a year ago, less than a year ago.

There’s some LGBT kids here!

I see two guys that are sort of cute holding hands!

And I see one girl actually show up and kiss another girl like fully on the lips!

Okay part of me is very squee.

And I know that it’s sort of like odd to be happy as I am over this but with them here I suddenly feel a lot less out of place.

And that and the fact that really, like physically I’m not that out of sorts here. There’s three girls here taller than me and there’s a couple of heavier one’s than me and a few that we’re close and then there’s lots of like just regular girls it’s helping that I am fitting in more.

I put my can of iced tea in the big blue bag we have for the recyclables and I turn to see Shane there and he’s offering me s big triangle slice of watermelon.

Watermelon tastes different up here it’s actually good but not as sweet as ours usually are.

But I still like it and it’s still yummy.

“Thanks, this is quite the shindig.”

He grins. “Shindig?”

“Not enough music for a hootenanny.”

He laughs.

Oh that’s kind of yay.

I made him laugh.

And that makes me feel yay.

“I’m glad that you’re liking it we try to have a big get together a couple of times before school starts and before we’re doing blueberries.”

I nod. “I’ve been hearing a lot about that here, it’s a pretty big thing?”

“Yeah if you’re a good raker or can get onto a harvester crew.”

“So what are you doing?”

“Both.”

I look at Shane. “Both?”

He nods. “It’s really good money and I’m a good raker and I need the money for school and for my car and some other stuff.”

“Other stuff?”

“University for one.”

I wince. “Oh yeah I’ve still got to really make a plan on that too.”

Shane is eating but trying not to be a pig or something and he’s got some paper towel and passes me some as we’re eating.

“I’m not sure what I’m going to do since there’s a lot of things that I want to do but I was actually thinking of going to trade school instead of university.”

I eat some and wipe then swallow. “Really?”

Shane nods. “My dad says that there’s a whole lot of older people in the trades retiring and there’s not a lot of people to like fill the space and stuff.”

I look towards home. “I was thinking business school and maybe cooking or something to do with the vineyard. I like working there and we have so much.”

He nods. “Maybe like one of those vineyard café restaurants you hear about on like the wine tours.”

“Ooooh….I never even thought of that.”

No seriously that’s a good idea.

And it happened before I could stop myself and I’m suddenly hugging him and we kiss.

It was a small kiss, it was a thank you kiss but it was a kiss from me…from a girl like me to a boy.

And Shane doesn’t freak out.

“Oh…sorry…sorry..”

He looks at me. “Why?”

“I got excited by the cool idea.”

“No…why are you sorry?”

I stop.

“Because I hugged you and kissed you.”

“I know, still trying to get why that’s a bad thing.”

“Because I’m trans…”

He looks amused. “I know and I’m still trying to get why this is a bad thing.”

“I…”

I have no idea what to say and he walks away backwards a bit before turning and going over to the other guys.

And I have no clue what to do or what just happened so I shove an extra big chunk of watermelon in my mouth.

I can’t help but to watch him too with this funny feeling that sort of is running through me and I can’t help but to notice the feeling.

Serious butterflies and lightning.

I’m standing there eating and watching the guys go out and they have buckets and clamming gear and then Katelyn comes over and she hip bumps me.

I look at her and color.

She grins. “So that’s a definite nod to liking boys?”

“Yeah, I really think so yeah.”

“So how’s that playing out in your head?” She actually sounds concerned.

“I don’t know, I’m scared…there’s the trans thing and the she was a boy thing and then there’s the gay stuff and I’m like terrified of how I feel but I want to feel this too, it’s like…it’s like that scary-good-tingly feeling is something that I want to feel, to like crush on people and maybe have it back like any other girl.”

Katelyn nods. “We seriously take stuff for granted us Cis-folks.”

“Cis-folks?” I look at her.

She nods. “I’ve been reading up on stuff.”

I start walking because she’s walking. “A lot of people don’t like that label.”

She makes a face. “I can sort of see their arguments too but at the same time it’s better than non-trans and a lot of these people against Cis are like these really nasty people in that whole radfem crowd who basically don’t like that things are like equaled out.”

I nod and I make a face. “I honestly really try and to stay away and out of trans things and Terf things online it really for a lot of it is like triggering or just makes me feel like sad and anxious.”

Katelyn nods. “Gotcha I’ll like tone down my allyship rhetoric and stuff, I just wanted you to know we’re like cool with it.”

I smile and I give her a hug. “You’re awesome for even trying.”

She grins and we go and we help the other girls with the other stuff while the guys are all out clamming.

It’s actually nice getting things all set up and yeah it’s sort of cliché with the girls doing this and the guys out there but it’s not like that it’s actually a good time and there really isn’t anyone doing stuff they don’t want to do.

There’s some guys on the beach doing other stuff and there a guys and girls game of Frisbee going on too so it’s like not all of us doing “the girl thing” just some of us.

And I really don’t mind.

A lot of it’s like food prep and that’s like mixing things and getting stuff set into the coolers and we have lots of stuff that’s camping and beach friendly. We’ve got stuff to cook it too like fry pans and there’s like three hibachi grills on the back of one of the tailgates and there’s one of those hot plates set up too with that little generator.

We make potato salad and it’s not like I’ve ever seen, well other than like here and it’s lots of boiled potatoes and then there’s diced onion and celery that’s raw and then there’s diced dill and sweet pickles and capers and they put apple cider vinegar in it all and then there’s whole grain mustard and Miracle-Whip and the strangest thing of all is that they put boiled eggs in it and canned peas.

Home it’s potatoes and it’s celery and sometimes a little bit of relish but corn sometimes and it’s like mayonnaise and sometimes some sour cream.

This, this is like some kind of cold casserole that’s going into the coolers.

And someone brought like mini-hot dogs and sliders and things and then there’s potato chips and dips and there’s tortilla chips and salsa.

Boughten salsa…and that’s kinda…But it’s still stuff people brought.

I take out the stuff that I brought and that’s Tostito cups those chips and I bought two bags of the whole wheat ones and I have a seven layer dip that’s like salsa that I made and cream cheese and then there’s like refried beans and more salsa, basic coleslaw and there’s chili-sauce cooked ground pork, then there’s black beans and then there’s some shredded cheese and on top it’s pretty much your standard seven layer dip.

And I have Caesar mini-salad and that’s Iceberg and Romaine lettuce chopped really fine like ribbons and then I added a jalapeno all chopped up for a little zing and three cloves of garlic all chopped up because it’s like Caesar salad and I have chopped bacon into little bits and I have some grilled boneless skinless chicken breast I cubed really fine too and all I have to do now is to dress it before I serve it up and that’s with like just Caesar salad dressing and a bag of asiago cheese because I could get a bag of that shredded from Kraft at the grocery store and it’s like sharp and salty enough.

The guys are coming in or some of them with buckets and I see Dwayne taker them and he pours them into this big Rubbermaid tub and he’s adding this bit of cornmeal to the water with like sugar in it?

He looks at me. “They’ll smell the sugar and the cornmeal is like grit so these clams in new water will suck that in and they’ll spit out the sand that’s like in them.”

“Oh…wow I mean I don’t know much about clams or clamming but that’s something that I’ve never heard of before.”

He grins. “We’ll get them cleaning themselves out then we’ll do up a big feed and have fun.”

I nod and I watch what the others are doing still trying to help but like not trying to get in anyone’s way and sort of caught between having a good time and being a wallflower.

I’m still even now really trying to get used to people outside the girls calling me Samantha or even just Sam in that girl way and then realizing they’re actually talking to me.

I do find myself talking more and more especially when there’s lots of questions about down home and how things are down there.

And…it’s so unusual to get asked if I can speak southern belle.

I’ve never really wanted to because of home and it’s not like all of the people that live in the south have an accent it’s a kind of regional thing that some folks have and some folks don’t really.

I’ve never picked it up just naturally but like anyone that lives in anyplace like known for a type of accent we can sure add it on.

Which actually gets funny with the girls doing their accents but like exaggeratedly and then there’s some of the locals that do Franglais which is like the French but English version of Spanglish that we have in the states and then we have the guy with the half ton with the tail-gate kitchen we’re using called Dylan he’s doing this thing called “Newfie” and I can sort of get most of it and then Natasha who has family in the states but like out in Wisconsin is doing this “Ooooh…hey…don’tcha-know. “ and “You betcha”

It’s like she’s right off of that show Fargo or something and it’s a whole lot of fun.

Then the rest of the guys are coming in with clams and someone has a bucket of something called razor clams and then there’s like this big bucket of mussels and some of the guys start to clean the beards off of them and stuff and I’ve never had mussels before but I’m willing to try them.

Then the guys are getting clean and someone starts a water fight and then there’s yelling and screaming but like all fun yelling and screaming as the guys are now trying ti get some of the girls wet and other people are getting caught in it and I’m trying to not get hit but that’s not working and I’m doing that arms up and vainly trying to block myself from getting too wet and it’s not working and I’m soon wet and I’m splashed.

And then there’s some laughing and stuff and I’m…

My shirt if soaked and it’s right through to my things underneath and with this look from a few and a huge gulp of air I peel out of the tee-shirt and there I am in a top, it a bikini top and the wet skin and coastal summer breeze on my skin and blowing my hair and I’m blushing like crazy and almost cringing and I look to see who’s looking and yeah there are a few and some of the boys are grinning?

Oh shit!

Blush!!!

They’re grinning and staring at my chest which seemed a whole lot smaller when I left the house and under a tee-shirt.

My face is so hot too and my cheeks are burning and burning and why…why can’t I stop smiling though even though my frigging ears feel hot.

“Hey towel?”

I look to see Shane there and he’s sort of drying himself off.

Which means he’s wet.

And that is oh.

Oh holy cheese oh….oh wow.

I was never that, I could like never be that like him I mean it’s just he’s all and I want to…I want to touch him.

Does it feel like this with other girls when they have someone that they like?

I reach out and I take the towel and I’m still blushing and I’m careful dabbing myself dry and Shane’s watching me as he’s getting a can of iced tea, he raises an eyebrow and I nod. It’s kind of nice too because it’s Arizona iced tea and that’s a brand from home even though my favorite is actually the Georgia brand itself and their sweet tea.

It’s still a nice taste from home sort of and it’s better than the Snapple or Lipton versions.

He brings us each a can and I pass him back his towel.

“Thanks.”

He opens my can for me and that…that was kinda cool.

I know that sounds weird and stuff too but it was.

Shane flips the towel over and around his neck and the music seems to change with him looking at me and he takes a drink and then offers his hand.

“Want to dance with me?”

I look and the music’s cranking up and we’re all here so people are actually yeah starting to dance.

“Uhm…okay, I’ve never really done this though with a boy.”

“Think of this as like training for like all the school dances.”

“I…” Oh…oh well actually going to a school dance never crossed my mind.

He takes my hand and we set down our drinks and it’s kind of nice this is the dry kind of party and we don’t have to wonder about stuff like home.

For a place with a legal drinking age of twenty one there was a lot of kids that lived to get wasted and thought that was having fun.

Then again it was Atlanta and there’s a huge difference between here and there.

We start dancing and trying that first dance… *Two Princes?* to get sort of into the rhythm with everyone else dancing out there on the sand.

I’m so not used to the music around here.

They actually sang along with *Life was a Highway*?

Okay a good song by still like so different.

The music’s still good… *Head over feet.*
*Good vibrations*
*My future’s so bright I gotta wear shades*
*Glory days*
*Soak up the sun*
*All I wanna do is have some fun*
*Kiss me*
*West coast*

And there’s a whole lot of others but it’s this mix of like old stuff and semi-pop and it’s fun.

And I’ve never danced so much either.

I dance with Shane and then I dance with Patrick and then this guy called Blake who’s shy and really quiet but wow can he dance and it was a lot to like keep up with him and I can just like sort of see him on an actual dance floor or something.

Then there’s like this girl mix that gets put in as the guys are getting out blankets and stuff and the sun’s starting to set and they’re building a fire…a pretty big fire and they’re so being guys about it. A lot of us girls just sort of watch and keep dancing and stuff mostly together and it’s fun too since we’re also like showing each other stuff or like how to do certain like dance moves and I’m actually…

I’m actually showing them things here too.

I mean I’m a self-taught bedroom sort of girl dancer but the stuff that I do is from home and it’s definitely different than some of the stuff here and the girls with me are doing that too and there’s this whole kind of thing going on where we’re just having so much fun and we’re being ourselves.

I’m one…really happy that I actually don’t have two left feet.

And there hits this thing in all of that when I actually forget about everything that I used to be and it’s just Samantha.

Me.

This is my place, my friends and this is like so my time.

We stop to just listen to tunes and eat after that and even that’s fun. I actually cleavage drip a few times and it’s laugh worthy kind of stuff and I’m not the only one either but it’s just such a natural thing right now that it’s wonderfully fun.

Some of the clams get boiled plain and some get the butter and garlic butter treatment and the razor clams do too and Dwayne had a pot for the hot plate and he heats up oil in it and he does up fried clams in just buttermilk then rolled in flour and salt and pepper.

The first fresh fried clams I’ve ever had and I like them and the guys that got the razor clams fried those and then with some melted garlic butter put them on hot dog buns like a po’boy with like not much else on them and really they don’t need it and…and…and…

I end up sharing one with Shane sort of out of the blue and I’m eating the bite he fed me and there’s hot juices and butter running down my chin and he uses the towel to wipe it away and he’s so close.

“Sam…”

“Mmm?” My mouth was full and I’m trying to do that fast chew and swallow thing.

“I like you.”

Big hard swallow and then some ice tea.

(Breathy-pant.) “You do?...I mean I like you too.”

Blush…

“Can I kiss you?”

“I…” (Swallow then tiny voice…) “Okay…”

And he does, he leans in and over and he gives me my first real kiss on the lips and I’m inhaling and inhaling and filling like a balloon ready to burst with air and feelings and then he keeps kissing me, or like he just sort of starts all over again and I have no choice but to exhale and when I’m doing that and Shane kissing me it’s like part of my brain goes the way of all of the butter out there in the pots and melts.

In that delicious melty he sort of tastes salty and kind of sweet way.

And we break the kiss to stare at each other.

And he smiles and he blushes too some.

“That was amazing.”

“That…” I nod.

That was my first kiss, my like first real kiss.

I look at him. “You don’t mind all the rest of it?”

Shane shakes his head no. “All I know is you Sam and nothing else and yeah you’re a little different but you’re not that different.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really.”

“But sex?”

He grins. “Aren’t you the one being forward?”

Blush… “Shaaaaane.”

Some of the girls laugh hearing that.

“Let’s figure that stuff out if we get to the point of figuring that stuff out.”

“I…but…what…?”

He blushes and he grins through it. “I like you, I like you a lot you’re shy and smart and you’re funny and you’re really honest about stuff and who you are and that’s like things I’m seriously looking for in a girlfriend.”

Gulp.

“Girlfriend?”

He slips his fingers into mine and he looks at me. “Girlfriend…go out with me? I know we don’t have a whole lot of summer left but I’d actually be really happy if you’d go out with me some.”

“Like more than once?”

“Like more than once I hope, but we can like have a first date first and like go from there?”

My heart’s beating so fast and I’m not sure if this night’s even real at this point but I sort of do this bobble head nod and say. “Yes, I mean I’d like that too.”

Then we’re like both sitting there and holding hands and smiling and both sort of slide closer and we share a small kiss again.

*Epilogue….

The rest of the party went really well and Shane and I sort of stuck close and we ate and danced and talked and we even went just for a beach walk and held hand and it was about eleven when he drove me and the girls all home after we all had such a huge welcome of all these hugs and trades on numbers and e-mails and Facebook stuff.

All of our parents were thrilled to have us all home and all sober and actually bearing some leftovers and things.

Dad and Mom really tucked into the fried clams we brought back with us.

And then there was this whole explosion in the kitchen with Mom and the girls and me and the other Moms when it became the whole we danced with boys, we talked with boys and I was asked out.

And it was this whole until three in the morning girls and woman’s thing.

Even with the girls it was a huge thing for them and fun for their moms too, like they might be careful and stuff and want the girls and me safe but they were like all our ages and there’s so much we all have in common.

Including this whole sort of Mom wishes that we all got to do this and actually be ourselves and be girls and have fun and not grow up too fast.

It was smiles and stories and laughs and tears and chocolate ice cream and churros.

*** Shane and I had a second date…it was actually at the movies.

Then we sort of had this sort of date when it was like time to like harvest all this corn and I took the job too as did like everyone since it’s like a pretty big deal here and it’s all bound for the grocery stores and they actually tent to not pick it with a machine.

It’s actually pretty cool in the tall stalks and there are nowhere near the bugs or the kinds of bugs here that we have down home and we have these big shoulder bag packs to fill and you just take off the ear and dump it over your shoulder.

Thankfully Dwayne was there at the end by the wagons to muscle the bags off and dump them and we get our ticket punched for five dollars.

We had a picnic lunch date.

I made sweet tea like from home and we had chili-dogs.

I made chili and put it in a soup thermos and it had room for the hot dogs so I grilled four at home and I stuck them in the chili and took the buns and some coleslaw and a spoon with me.

Then he came and worked for dad when the apples came due and we spent a lot of time together then.

It was dating and sort of not dating?

But it was fun.

Even just going for drives.

And me and him at the laundromat in town as he was washing his blueberry clothes and use eating bagged popcorn from the video store in the crappy seats and watching DVD’s together on my laptop.

We did a whole lot of stuff and we still are.

I’ve changed a little more, grown into myself a little physically more and into myself inside a huge amount more to go with all of that.

Such a huge difference that the love of family and having someone makes.

And well as to how things might go this year, my first year at my new school well I don’t know but I’m wearing Shane’s jacket his high school jacket not a grad jacket or a team one but it’s still well y’know.

We’re going steady.

And I just don’t have a fresh start but I actually have a life, a good life now and it’s just going to get better I think.

I hope.

And if y’all read this and well here’s to y’all having hope too.