“Mom ah Dad, that was just a friend from school that’s all”, I said fumbling over every word. I didn’t know how to tell them but as fate would have it I wouldn’t have too. “Shawn don’t you even think of lying to me I saw you kissing that boy earlier on the square. There is no way my son is going to become some flamboyant Fagot,” she screamed. “And Shawn if you think for one second I raised you to be some Fairy you are sorely mistaken my boy,” Dad said with a fiery tone. It had seemed dad had found his voice finally. They took turns yelling at me and telling me how much of a disappointment I am. They would not let me speak a word so all I could do while sitting on the couch was cry. “Now get your ass cleaned up and go straight to bed, we will discuss this in the morning and your freedom as you know it is so defiantly over my boy”.

As I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror one last time and I thought how being a girl could be both the most wonderful thing and at the same time the worse thing in my life. I washed all the makeup off my face and looked again only to see red swollen eyes from the constant crying since I had gotten home. I walked quickly back to my room to avoid and looks from my parents. I couldn’t stop crying what was so wrong with me being who I really am I thought to myself while getting undressed for bed. I crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and cried. All I ever wanted was to be a girl I knew in my mind, felt it in my heart and soul.

The next morning was a wake-up call from hell. My head was pounding from all the crying I had done last night and the sound of the lawn mower going was not a good sign considering it was my job. I slowly gathered myself up to go and face this day as dad had stopped mowing and came back inside for another cup of coffee when seeing me, he just looked away in disgust and left thru the door leading back into the garage. Mom was washing some dishes, paused to look at me briefly and said, “Well at least you look semi normal this morning. You slept through breakfast and we’re about to try and have some lunch but neither your father nor I seem to have much of an appetite after what we saw last night.”

I knew she wanted to just jump on me right there and beat the hell out of me but it was as if she was waiting for something. The answer came as soon as I heard the lawn mower start back up and dad started to mow the already perfectly mowed lawn again. I sat there thinking about what I was going to say repeatedly in my head. I tried to speak but everything that I knew needed to be said was just going to hurt her and dad. Finally I said, “Mom I’m sorry, for hurting you and dad, it’s just I don’t feel like a boy anymore in fact I have never felt like a boy”.

“Don’t you start that shit again; I thought all that girl stuff was all behind us. Do you have any clue how this all looks. Do you have any clue I will look at the Kingdom Hall if all this gets out. I can’t believe how selfish you are being this is going to affect us more then it will you. I raised you better than this and you are going to stop this shit right this instant. As for you spending time with your friends you can forget that too cause your grounded for your next three lifetimes.”

She then sent me off to my room and told me I had better think long and hard about what I had done. As I shut the door to my room, I heard her say, “I want every piece of girl crap you had on last night and whatever you might be hiding brought outside to the burn pile in ten minute young man.” “But mom no please I bought this with my own money please you can’t do this” I said though my tears.

“Look no son of mine is going to dress like some drag queen. I’ve told you before you’re a boy so start acting like it you’re turning sixteen in two more weeks it’s time to start acting like a man, and if you don’t like it then you can go just like your sister,” she said. That was it I knew where this was going to go I would have to leave just like my sister to be free from all of this.

I ran back into my room and called Nikki as fast as my fingers would dial. Nikki answered and I began to tell her everything that had happened since leaving the dance. I was back into tears as I was telling her what my mom wanted to do to Chrissy’s stuff. Nikki said, “There is no way in hell I’m going to let her do that Chrissy you worked hard to get enough money to buy all that stuff.” She paused for a moment then continued, “I have an idea I have to make a few phone calls and we will be right over.”

“What, what do you mean we? My mom is not going to like everyone coming over I’m very grounded at the moment,” I said. “Chrissy if you think me or any of the other girls are going to let this happen to one of our sisters your crazy. Now let me go I will be there in fifteen minutes just stall for me, OK?” said Nikki. I told her I would stall as long as I could but she needed to hurry.

Nikki true to her words was over there with all the girls in less than fifteen minutes. Mom was not happy when she opened the door to see Nikki and the girls there. I came out of my room to the front door and my mom just looked at me with a smirk. To me she said, “Did you get everything like I asked you?” I shook my head no. “Well then maybe we need to tell your friends here what you did last night or you can do as you were told.”

Mom had only seen John and me last night so she assumed that none of the girls knew. I guess she thought it would scare me back to doing what she had asked but what happened next totally took my mom off guard. “Mrs. Hanzal we need to talk to Chrissy for a minute please if you do not mind please.” said Nikki. My mom was too shocked to even say a word as Nikki and the girls walked right past her and drug me off to my room.

“Ok here is the deal, we have found a way for you to continue being Chrissy,” said Nikki. “Yes, you can come and live with me,” said Sam. “What I can’t do that I think your mom might notice a thing or two if I stayed with you, like me not being a real girl.” I told Sam. “No you’ll be just fine Chrissy, besides my mom already knows,” Sam said as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I called her after Nikki filled me in about your parents seeing you.” The rest of us spun around and looked at her eye wide in disbelief.

Cindy was the first to speak, “What do you mean your mom already knows”? Sam looked straight at us and said that she told her mom everything and her mom said if Chrissy needed to stay with us, she would be cool with it. “The thing is guys that my mom is a lot cooler then you think. You know she worked at a bar right,” we all nodded, “Well that bar is a gay bar and she has meet a lot of people like Chrissy before and she thinks that what Chrissy is doing is courageous,” said Sam. “My mom is cool with it Chrissy however” she said, “If you do live with us you will be held to the same rules as me.” “I don’t know what to say Sam, thank you, you have made it possible for me to stay Chrissy,” I said as I grabbed her in a great big hug.

Just then Mom stormed thru the door yelling, “Wait do you mean to tell me that all of you are in on this too.” All the Girls nodded, and then mom said, “Fine then all of you can watch as I end this charade and I never what any of you near my son again.” Dad had come in and heard mom yelling at us. “What is going on here? I have a bad enough headache without you scream like a mad woman,” dad said.

“Well honey it seems as if these girls are part of our son’s problem, they’re co-conspirators,” mom said. Then mom and dad told the girls that they must leave and they best never show their faces at this house again. I stood up and for the first time had the strength to say what I needed to, “Mom, Dad I can’t go on living this way I am Chrissy and this is who I really am and you always talk about unconditional love so prove it let me be who I really am.” If you can’t then I can’t live here anymore because I would rather be dead then live this lie of being a boy anymore.”

My dad came thru the door like a bullet, grabbed me and said, “Why you little shit you know what you have put us through? Just when we had though all this crap was behind us we find out that you have been lying and sneaking around behind our backs.” He pulled me back into the living room and it hurt so I shouted, “Let go of me your hurting Me!”

“Good maybe this will be a good wake-up call for you,” said dad. I pushed him away but that only made dad even madder. Dad went to slap me so I ducked and did the most terrible thing I had ever done in my life I punched him right in the face. Mom was shocked but pulled herself together quickly as she saw dad balling up his fist and here I was in my first fistfight with my dad. Mom went to the phone and called the police.

When the police had arrived, it was not a pretty scene dad and I had destroyed most of the living room, dad was lying on the grass outside after I pushed him thru the big picture window. Mom was beside him pointing inside the house shouting that I had gone crazy. The police asked me to come out of my room and I of course refused but told the girls that they should leave, as this was not going to go well. As the girls walked out, they pleaded with the police, told them that my dad had attacked me first and I was just defending myself. However, with the way my dad looked I might not have believed it either. The police began to force their way into the room and I don’t quite know why but I began to defend my room like a knight defending his Kingdom.

When all was said and done, I had been charged with one count of domestic battery and six counts of assault and battery. They finally had me handcuffed and placed into the back of the police car. They drove me to Lake County Juvenile Center more commonly known as LCJC. The kid version of jail and it was scary. They made me strip down naked and took everything from me. I was give a oversized pair of buys underwear, a pair of tube socks, an ugly orange jumpsuit, and shoes with no laces. Then I was taken to B wing, it was the wing where the worse kids go; kids that had all committed felonies and now I was one of them. The first night was awful, it was cold and lonely being locked up for what I had hoped to be the last time in my life.

The next morning they let us out to the common room to get ready for breakfast. We had to stay single file much like being back in grade school as we made our way to the cafeteria. There was a lot of talking going on when we were eating. People were talking about why I was there and two boys arguing over food and then out of no were one of them broke the end of his spoon off and stabbed the other boy in the neck. Blood was going everywhere, the guards grab the one boy, cuffed him as another guard took a towel and was trying to stop the bleeding of the other boy who now was choking on his own blood. I was never so scared in my whole life all I wanted to do was talk to Nikki but I was only aloud to call home. My parents did not answer so I left a message on the answering machine asking them to please come get me.

Thankfully, the rest of the day was uneventful. Just before bed, one of the guards told me I was going to see the judge tomorrow. I was scared what if the judge left me in here, what if I ended up like the other boy. We did not even know if the other boy lived or died but by the amount of blood, we already knew his grizzly fate. I didn’t want to die in this place; I wanted to be Chrissy again. As I lay awake for hours crying not knowing what could happen tomorrow only made it worse I wondered what will happen to Chrissy when or if I ever got out of here. I closed my eyes for what I hoped would be the last time in the dismal place and prayed, “Please GOD let me get out of here. Let me find a way to become who I really am.” With that, I drifted off to sleep.

When I walked into the courtroom, I could feel the sweat running down my back as I took me seat in front of the judge. I had never been is such a room before, the ceiling was tall like a cathedral and if was as if I stepped right into an old movie. I sat at a table alone with my mother setting behind me. “She came,” I thought “but where is dad”? Then I looked over to the right and there was the prosecutor shuffling papers and folders about the desk. Behind him sat the six officers that had responded to the house. I had a terrible shiver go down my spine that told me this wasn’t going to go well.

The judge (Mr. Gillis) called the court to order and I was made to stand as the charges against me were read. “What do you have to say for yourself young man?” the judge asked me. “Sir my dad came after me and I was just trying to defend myself”, I responded. “Well what about the officers whom you attacked in your bedroom?” said Judge Gillis. “Sir I have no excused for my actions with the officers I was scared and did not know what was going on, but I should not have attacked them, I was just scared and was not thinking. I wish I could go back and change what I have done but I know I can’t. I am guilty of harming the officers Sir,” I told the judge as it was the truth and I knew in my heart what I did was wrong.

“Mrs. Hanzal do you have anything to add?” speaking to my mother behind me. “Yes your honor I do, my husband like my son both have very short fuses and my son did respond in self defense to my husband, but it was a very tense situation and my son although not meaning to provoked my husband’s attack with his defiance,” my mother stated badly. “As far as the officers are concerned once my son has lost himself in anger he suffers from a black out as the psychologist called it. He doesn’t know what he is doing until it is too late. As you can see, my son also admitted he was wrong and his conscious is eating him.”

Then the judge replied, “This is all very well Mrs. Hanzal but you son has committed a serious offense. Therefore, I must hold him accountable for his actions.” The judge turned to the prosecutor and asked, “Does this boy have any prior record?” “No your honor he has no prior record and none of the officers had ever meet the boy till the day of the incident,” said the prosecutor. The judge turned to look at me, “My boy you do understand how serious these charges are right?”

With tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks, “Yes sir, and I’m so sorry for what I have done, I wish to apologize for what I have done to the officers, I know they were only doing their job and I acted like a fool. It was my fault and I know I need to be punished.” My tears were in full flow now and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

“Does the prosecution have any recommendations?” asked Judge Gillis. “Yes your honor we do, in the light of the defendant’s admittance and his sincere testimony. We recommend probation as this is his first offense for a length to be determined by the court.” “Very well then Mrs. Hanzal are you prepared to take your son back into custody?” speaking now to my mother. “Yes your honor I am,” replied my mom.

“Then will the defendant please rise for sentencing,” said Judge Gillis. “It is the decision of the court that Mr. Hanzal will herby be sentenced to one year probation and six months house arrest and if there are no objections,” he paused. “No? Then I hereby deem this hearing concluded, court dismissed.” The gavel sounded and as the Judge stood so did everyone in the courtroom as he stepped down and left.

The bailiff came over to me and removed my handcuffs and my mother came to me still with disappointment in her eyes. “May I be excused for a minute there is something I need to do,” I asked my mom. She nodded. I walked over to the officers and thru my eyes, still tearing asked each of them to forgive me and told them how sorry I was for what I had done. They seemed to be truly shocked by what I had done.

Then one officer step forward, “My boy everyone has done something they regret doing even me let’s just remember this and learn from it, OK?” With that, he gave me a small hug and told me to be good and mind my mom. The other officers either rubbed my head or patted my back telling me not to worry about it and to just stay out of trouble. My mom seemed pleased by my actions and even let a small smile of pride creep across her face.

The prosecutor showed my mom and me to the probation department. We meet with who was to be my probation officer, Mrs. Kim. She told us how it was going to work and she would follow us back to the house to get the monitoring system installed. We arrived at the house and she explained how it works. If I went too far the machine would send an alarm to the police station. Then the police would come to find out why I had left the boundary.

The bracelet they attached to my ankle had three colors on it. Green indicated I was safely inside the boundary, yellow meant I was approaching the boundary, and red meant I was outside the boundary and in big trouble. She told me I would also need to call a number she gave me before I left in the morning for school and when I arrived at school. She told me there was only a half hour window so I was not to forget or dilly-dally or I would find myself in contempt. Then police would come and pick me up so I would have to see the Judge again.

She gave my mother a different number for her to call if she was going to take me with her shopping or to a doctor’s appointment. While I was under probation, I also could not leave the county without prior approval. She reminded me to come straight home because the system would reactivate at three pm just thirty minutes from the final bell. If I need to stay after I would need to make sure to have my mom call. Then after my mom wrote her a check for the fee’s Mrs. Kim left.

My mom looked at me not knowing what to say. “Would you like something to eat,” mom asked me. “Yes please the food was horrible and I was too upset to eat this morning,” I said. “Mom I’m very sorry about all this, it’s just I well ... Oh never mind it’s just too hard to explain how I feel.” Mom just looked at me there was no way she was going to help me say what I needed too. I also knew there was no way she was going to except the real me either.

“Shawn?” asked my mom. “You’re not going to stop all this nonsense, are you?” I looked at her and seeing the pain in her eyes made me almost falter in my resolve, “Mom you have taught me right from wrong and to always follow my heart to be true to myself so I can be true to Jehovah,” I paused allowing this to sink in for a minute. “I cannot be true to myself, my heart, or to Jehovah if I live as you want me to.”

My mom then cut me off before I could say another word, “So you are saying that no matter how much it hurts me and Bob you will continue with the dress up crap.” “Mom please, I have finally found the real me please don’t ask me to live a lie,” I said hoping that her hatred of lying would help me. She looked at me with tears streaking down her cheeks and said, “What happened to my little boy?”

She paused for a moment and I didn’t dare say a word as I could see she was starting to get angry. She finally spoke with ultimatum, “You will not while you are under my roof ever dress again, if I so much as hear about you dressed you will be out on the street just like your sister.” I looked at my mom and with a cry in my voice said, “I guess I should get to packing then, because I cannot live this lie anymore, Mom I would rather be dead.” With that, I went to my room to cry.

Dad came home at usual time and he and mom talked over dinner. I refused to eat and was determined to stay hidden in my room for as long as I had to stay under this roof. Mom kept me home all week and I could feel the depression taking over me. I could barely eat and I cried almost all day every day. I had even started to contemplate suicide by the time the weekend came along.

Normally I would be meeting up with the girls for a nice day at the mall or getting ready for John to pick me up for the game. I hadn’t been able to use the phone and let everyone know I was alright. Mom had left early to go to the school and pick up my homework and missed assignments. It wasn’t till after three in the afternoon she returned.

She came into my room and said, “Here are Chrissy’s assignments, you couldn’t believe the shock I had when I found out you have been going to school like that.” I looked at her with fear, had she told the school it was a falsehood? Then she continued, “It was all I could do to grab you books and walk out without crying. How could you do this to me and your dad?” She set to books down on my desk and left the room in tears once more.

I didn’t dare come out of my room for the rest of the night except to go to the bathroom. I could not look either of them in the face, not because I was ashamed but because I couldn’t stand to see the hatred and contempt on their faces. I could hear mom telling dad what had happened after he was finished with dinner. Dad was outraged and yelling about how I was a good for nothing, ungrateful spoiled brat.

Mom asked him what they should do and he didn’t say anything at first then I heard, “Well let me call Joe and we’ll see what we can do.” I knew this didn’t bode well for me the last time I hear dad say that my sister was on her way out the door without so much as a bye your leave. The rest of the weekend, I buried myself in my schoolwork trying to catch up on all my late work.

Mom came in late Sunday evening and told me to hurry off to bed because I had school in the morning and placed my phone down on my desk. “You are not ungrounded by a long shot but you can use the phone for now,” she said. I left the phone there and simply nodded to my mom. I finished the problems I was working on and then slowly picked up the phone and called Nikki.

“Hello,” Nikki answered the phone. “Hello Nikki it’s me and so far I’m alive,” I said with a hushed tone in my voice. “Oh my god we thought you were dead, have you been in LCJC all this time?” Nikki asked. “No I got out after court on Monday but my mom kept me home all week, and I’m on house arrest,” I said. “Wow that must be just awful so what all happened.” I filled Nikki in on everything that had transpired while I was in LCJC and the courtroom up to mom finding out I was dressing like Chrissy at school, I even told her about my mom’s ultimatum.

“So what are you going to do then,” she asked with so urgency. “I don’t know but I told her I can’t keep living a lie, Nikki I know who I am and if that means they throw me out then so be it. I would rather be dead then live as Shawn my whole life,” I said as if an ultimatum to myself. “Chrissy don’t say things like that, it’s not funny, beside you still have us,” Nikki said in her sisterly way. “Should we meet you at Sam’s then?” “Yes I will meet you there, and Nikki thanks for being so understanding and helping me,” I said almost in tears once more. “Hey that’s what sisters are for, now get some sleep and I will see you in the morning.” I hung up the phone and left it connected to the charger. I slowly crawled into bed and closed my eyes.

I woke up to the ringing of my alarm clock and quickly eat breakfast and took a shower. I quickly got dressed; packed my school bag, called the probation office with the number Mrs. Kim gave me and told them I was leaving for school. I practically ran down to Sam’s and she was waiting for me. True to my word to my mother, I would continue to be Chrissy even if it meant I could no longer live under their roof. It was a big risk but one I was willing to take for my own sanity.

Nikki arrived a minute or two later cursing at herself for being late. I told her of my new time restrictions last night on the phone. I tried to get her to calm down, as I didn’t want her making such a fuss. We still had plenty of time, to make it. We made it to school with five minutes to spare, it did help that I was getting much quicker dressing myself. We meet Joan at her bus and then walked inside so I could make my next phone call.

I was finally, back at school, my safe haven from all things bad. This was me, Chrissy, surrounded by my best friends. I turned in my late work and the teachers just smiled greeting me back to class. School was pretty much the same as it always is, going to class and talking with friends. I was asked a few times about my new jewelry.

I explained that I had gotten into a fight with my parents and I had ran away and the police picked me up put me in LCJC for the weekend and the judge placed me on house arrest for the next six months and probation for the next year. The story was boring enough that is was completely accepted and the big deal was of my ankle bracelet soon forgotten.

Home didn’t seem much like home anymore none of us were talking to each other and I would retire to my room just after my chores were completed. I didn’t want to look at them anymore then they wanted to look at me. However, this all changed a week later when my dad told me to come out and sit in the living room. I didn’t know what I had done as far as they knew I was not being Chrissy anymore as they assumed I wouldn’t with my new time restrictions have time to change before school.

“OK Shawn you are turned sixteen today and this is your moment of truth. I have something to ask you and I don’t want any lies or bullshit from you.” Dad looked at mom to see if she was ready to continue and she simply nodded for him to continue. “OK here is the deal your mother and I want to know if you are going to grow up and be a man now that you are sixteen or are you going to continue with all this girly crap?” dad asked with a ting of anger in his voice.

“Are you saying that if I want to continue to be Chrissy that you will allow me to be who I really am?” I asked hoping my parents finally understood that that is who I really am. “No I’m not saying anything right now I want you to tell me what you are planning to do from this point forward in your life, you have a choice to make and depending on your choice so do we,” dad said with a direct cold voice.

“Well if I get to make the choice then I would have to be true to who I am and I would chose to be Chrissy now and always,” I told them both. I was sound in my resolve and I knew it would not be easy for them to ever understand why. “Well my boy I am sorry to hear that, you know we have told you that you can never live under our roof like that,” He paused to look at mom who was already beginning to cry. He looked back at me then handed me a piece of paper, “Shawn you give us no choice then, I have to ask you to leave this house immediately, we cannot and will not condone your actions or your choice.”

“So you are throwing me out just like you did Bonita, you won’t even try to understand why or listen to the doctor? You are just going to get rid of me?” I said with anger building up in me. “You give us no choice, it was your decision to remain on this immoral path so you must walk it alone and you may only take with you what you have paid for with you own money. You will not be allowed to take any family pictures with you. When you leave this house you will leave everything of our son behind,” Bob said.

“How can you do this? So much for unconditional love huh,” that sent a stab threw my mom and she began to cry uncontrollably. I was becoming bitter by the second but somehow dad remained calm and just asked me to please go and start packing my belongings. It was Wednesday afternoon my birthday September 23, my sweet sixteen and I’m being evicted from my home. I ran to my room and called Nikki filling her in on everything.

Although I was extremely angry I was in tears I could not believe my parents would do this to me. “Where am I supposed to go Nikki, I have nowhere to go,” I told her. “Chrissy relax you will be fine we knew this might happen sooner or later but you do have somewhere to go. Just get packed,” Nikki said in a reassuring voice. Nikki told me the girls and her would be there soon to help move my things out and then hung up. I just wanted to be me, the real me inside of the awful disgusting body. I thought to myself as I was packing my belongings that I knew I could take with me.

Sam was the first to arrive as she lived the closest. Mom was not happy to see the girls coming over as she had forbid them to ever come to this house again; however, I told dad that this was their wish and I needed help if I was going to leave quickly to spare mom as much grief as possible. I seemed since able enough to me and it must have to dad too because he stood aside allowing them access to the house and my room.

We took out my alarm clock, stereo, and other belongings that my parents knew were mine. I knew they would not put up a fuss with these items as they were being loaded into Cindy’s moms van. The next I knew was going to be more problematic as I climbed up into the attic and slowly lowered eight extra large gym bags down to the girls. I opened a few of the bags and took out proper cloths to wear as my parents said; I must leave everything of their son’s behind.

Then with one last look around my room, I said goodbye and with each of us carrying two bags, apiece I stepped out of my room for the last time. My mom seeing the bags and me began to make a huge fuss, as I knew she would. My dad almost seemed lost as he looked at me. I stopped and said, “Dad you told me I can take whatever I paid for and I paid for these with my own money and I have done as you asked I have left everything of your son’s behind.”

“I took off the cloths you bought me and am now wearing the cloths I bought so could you and mom please step aside so we may leave.” “Where the hell did all this come from I want to see what you are trying to sneak out,” mom said as she grabbed one of the bags that Nikki was holding. Nikki kept her grip firm but it had broken the zipper nonetheless and a few lacy panties dropped to the floor. My mom covered her mouth with a gasp as Nikki quietly but quickly picked up my panties and stuffed them back into the broken bag.

My dad went and held my mother as we continued to walk to the door. One by one, we filled out of the house. As I reached the door I stopped and turned to face, my parents for what I hoped would not be the last time and said, “I’m sorry that I have hurt you but, I want you to know I will always love you and I forgive you for this.” Then I turned around and went out to place my bags into the van.

I took one last look at the door, my mom and dad just standing there looking at me in disbelief that I was really leaving. I was praying that mom would run out and tell me it was all a big mistake and I could stay and be who I really am but it was not to be. I called the probation number and told them that my parents had just asked me to leave; they told me that my parents had shown them my emancipation papers and simply asked if I knew where I was going. I gave them the new address of where I was going to stay and they told me they would be by tomorrow to collect the device from my parent’s house and install it at the new address after school. I said, “Thank you” and hung up the phone.

As Cindy pulled the van out of driveway and we slowly pulled away, I could not hold back any longer. I was determined to show a strong resolve to my parents but with them no longer in sight, I let go allowed myself a good cry. Sam was on the phone to her mom, telling her everything that had happened. Sam was doing a lot of “Yes Mom, I understand Mom, I will Mom, Yes Mom as soon as I help her unpack.” I could only imagine what was being said and I was so hoping that I was not going to be a burden. Nikki didn’t say anything she just held me as I cried.