For the next four years after seeing the Psychologist and being dragged to work by my dad. I was forced to be dirty all day long with no place in sight to clean up and this is how I would stay until being able to reach home in the late afternoon. It was all I could do to keep going was to think about getting home to wash the day’s filth off my crying body and soul under the steamy water and lavender body wash. As time pasted bye though mom and dad had seemed too had forgotten about everything that had transpired. To them it was as if nothing had ever happened.

My Freshman year of high school I had my first date with a girl and I was caught up in the tradition that was homecoming. Although I was having fun with Maria something deep in my heart told me there is something wrong. She liked me a lot by her subtle displays of affection but I did not really know how to feel about this hole in my heart that was not seaming to be filled. She was as pretty as they can get but all I could do was look at her beauty and I was filled with jealousy. I think she was thinking that I really wanted to be with her when in all reality I just wanted to be her. The night was fun, confusing and mostly uneventful. We did kiss a few times but it felt weird at first but it did give me the slightest tingle.

We danced until about 10 pm then her mom picked us up from Crown Point High School and delivered me home. She gave me one last quick kiss good night before I disembarked from her Mother’s car. They drove off as I slowly walk up to the front door replaying the night in my head. Maria lived next door to my grandparent’s house on the other side of town. We only dated for a month or two as my mom was strict about going out with girls that were not in our church. I could not tell you how many times I heard her recite, “Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Cor. 15:33). If you have not guess by know my mother was being re-saved as a Jehovah Witness. I think my lucky stars that dad was born and raised a Catholic because as they would argue it give me a chance to not commit to either religion.

Maria and I had different lunch hours, which caused us to not see each other much. We had come to the logical conclusion not to date anymore. We were still friends and talked to each other when we saw each other in the hall, called each other on the phone, and helped each other with homework at the library. It was not what you would call a typical breakup. We remained friends but that too seemed to be slowly drifting away as the months went by.

Around December, Nikki a girl in my lunch and science class asked me out to the movies. It was not customary to be asked out by a girl this too seemed weird to me. I always checked with dad first, as he was the easiest to talk with giving me that way to go son speech. I then let dad work on mom for me and he would always tell her it was essential to allow me room to grow, make mistakes, and use the mistakes to building character. Without fail, it always seemed to work needless to say, I went and to hopefully have a good time.

While we were setting in the theater, she took a hold of my arm, placed it gently around her, and rested her head on my shoulder. I looked down at her, lowered my head to look in her eyes, and then we kissed a long soft kiss. It made me warm inside. We seemed to stare at each other forever in disbelief as the house lights came on we got up to leave the movie theater. I walked her home and saying our good nights there would not be a kiss this time.

We meet for lunch every day and would talk in a little hiding place which we kept all to our own. Nikki had become my best friend in the world. We made each other laugh, cry, and talked about our darkest secrets together. As the days seem to fly forever forward as if we were on a speeding train to the horizon we share such personal secretes I without an ounce of doubt felt I could trust her with the only secrete I never told anyone. I told her what happened when I was 10 and about what the Psychologist said. Shock and silent for a few minutes, which in turn seemed to feel like an eternity she smiled and said, “I won’t tell anyone and if you like I will help you be who you wanted to be”.

She then told me she always knew I was hiding something and she was extremely happy I trusted her enough to share such a huge reputation destroying secrete that in one slight slip could ruin my life in high school forever. It felt nice and refreshing to pour my heart out to someone, cry, and not be made fun of. She continued to hold me. Nikki had allowed me to cry until 5 minutes before the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. As we slowly walked back into the school, from our open campus for lunch I silently thought, “Nikki seemed to understand me”.

The next couple of days we went to our, secrete little spot to read teen magazines and giggle like two little schoolgirls. To be understood without being judged brought new life to my empty heart. One day I was walking down the hallway and she came up behind me and grabbed my butt. I spun around and there she was. She leaned in close and said, "Do you know you wiggle when you walk?" I blushed and said “NO!, I don’t Nikki what on earth are you talking about”. She smiled and said, “We’ll talk at lunch”.

I had wanted to talk at that exact moment but as there was only just enough time to get to class I said in a low sassy voice “OK Missy see you then”. While eating sandwiches for lunch and looking at the new 16 magazine I asked her why she said that earlier. Nikki said that she had been watching me and studying me since I let her in on my secrete. She began to list several things she had been noticing, “You walk 1 foot almost directly in front of the other as if you are walking on a balance beam. Most guys swagger they walk with a wide offset. Completely the opposite of what you were doing”.

As I looked at her with a prove it look on my face she showed me how I was walking. Trying to walk like a guy I started to laugh almost uncontrollably at his antics. She also playfully made fun of how I held my books and how I wore my backpack. I had never paid much attention to any of the things she had told me until that very moment. Without any hesitation she said, “You’re even getting real good at helping me shop for cloths”. I was surprised when she told me how sensitive I was with other people’s problems. Nikki reminded me how I listened to her and Cindy when they were down. “Most guys would only pretend to listen but you always listen and offer advice to help shows how much you care”. I loved helping people it made me feel better knowing even though I could not help myself I made a difference for them.

Nikki and I drew even closer over the upcoming days. She even gave me the name Chrissy. She thought it would help to keep people from putting two and two together. We stayed in touch all summer and hung out at the mall and the park making sure we kept up with the latest teen magazines. The summer was a blast Nikki and Cindy, Sam, Joan, Stacey, and I hung out all summer long.

We all would sit around talking about tips on hair, cloths, shoes, makeup, boys, and skin. The girls were shocked that I seem so easy to talk to and that I wasn’t bothered with the entire girl stuff as they called it. Little did they know how much I was jumping up and down on the inside with Nikki being the only exception. They all had become very comfortable with me around and all of our friendship grew in leaps and bounds.

One day at while Nikki was teaching me how to apply my makeup, which I was beginning to do much quicker and better, there was a knock on the door. Being that Shawn was not allowed up stairs in her room so I hurried up and ran down the stairs with neither of us really giving any thought about how I was dressed or looked when we rushed down stairs to opened the door it was then I realized I was still dressed as Chrissy. As Cindy and Stacey looked at me and asked, “Who is this Nikki”? I was completely frozen in place and my mouth was not working in the least.

Nikki without missing a beat introduced me as Chrissy a shy friend she meet a earlier this summer, that they haven’t been able to meet yet even though she had talked about me to them for some time now. “Do you want to go to the mall with us?” asked Cindy. “Hey, when did Shawn leave?” questioned Stacey. Little did they know I was standing right in front of them with my heart beating so fast it was ready for it to explode. They then said, “We’re glad to finally glad to meet you”.

Nikki and I started giggling hard; they looked at us suggesting we were crazy and giggled only because we were. This only made us giggle even harder while Nikki whispered in my ear, “I can’t believe they don’t recognize you, do you think we should we tell them?” I quietly said, “I’m not sure Nikki this is really scaring me, I don’t think I’m ready for anyone else to know just yet.”

Then Nikki said, “We should have some fun, you will be fine, nobody will even know who you are but you and me, besides this would be a great test for you” with that, we were off to the mall for some shopping. I was glad dad let me work a few days for him giving me some extra spending money since they all had an allowance. As we walked around the mall in and out of numerous stores, Nikki was keeping a close eye on me, just in case someone may have saw through me. I was so nervous it was not even close to being funny. She reassured me by saying, “just relax you are doing fine and your very convincing”. We tried on different out fits at several stores like Sears, J.C. Penney's, Victoria’s Secret, and a few other teen oriented stores.

After an hour, I was finally having a lot of fun. Nikki was a great friend to have. Everyone began to get hungry so we decided to go the burger king. When we got there, it was not too busy we got our food fairly fast taking a seat by the windows looking into the mall this way everyone could stare at the guys walking around. I had been admitted to the inner sanctum. The trip to the mall was completing my indoctrination into the teen female world. Every imaginable topic had come up from of boys, hair, zits, and viscous comments about any girl not currently with us however not necessarily in that order.

Just then, Nikki gave out a screech and said, “Chrissy, OH! My God it’s Dave”. Cindy and Stacey did not know Nikki had started seeing Dave again at the beginning of the summer since he was only going to be a freshman this year. They thought she was still seeing me, well Shawn the boy me anyways. She looked at them and said, “Don’t say a word I will explain later when we leave the mall”. She begged them not to look shocked and act as if they had just seen a mortal sin. She was now so nervous at what they would think since they thought that that we were still madly in love.

Dave saw her and came over, given her a big kiss, and then sat down with us. Cindy and Stacey looked at me then back at Nikki and Dave in disbelieve. Dave did not even seem to notice, as he was too involved in talking with Nikki. Dave said that he just wanted to say hi and to make sure they were still on for the movies on Friday. Nikki said, “Yes of course we are still on, I’m looking forward to it”. He informed Nikki that John, one of his friends from Merrillville High School a sophomore was feeling down and wanted to know if it was OK for him to tag along. Nikki said, “That’s fine by me, does John have a date to bring along”.

John broke up with his girlfriend about 2 months ago, Dave explained and he had not fully gotten over her yet. I was too busy staring in his eyes to hear what they were talking about any more. John introduced himself and I could barely mutter my name. He had Deep Blue eyes that you could get lost in; I was a sucker for blue eyes. He was absolutely gorgeous and on the Varsity foot ball team this coming year. He was very muscular about 6 foot 2 inches tall. I was only 5 foot 7 inches and that seemed to make him tower over me. I then heard Nikki say, “That’s OK Chrissy can come with us and keep him company”.

I spun around and looked at her in horror, was she nuts? I can’t go out on a date with John I mean he’s a guy. Just as I was beginning to protest the idea, John took my hand and said in a very polite voice, “Would you please come to the movies with me I would be honored to have such a beautiful girl to escort”. I just about melted, He was dreamy to look at and those eyes so blue and dreamy, my god what was I thinking.

Apparently I was not thinking as clearly as I should have because as I was trying to think and say “Hell no” I blurted out, “YES!! Of course, Yes! I would Love TO”. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “The weekend won’t come quickly enough I’ll see you on Friday”. With that Dave and John left and we were all setting in utter shock. I asked to be excused so I could go to the little girls’ room. I had to clear my head. I caught myself looking back at him to get one last look before I when in to the bathroom. All the girls saw me look back at him, ‘Damn Busted’ I thought.

I sat down in a stall, went potty, thought for a moment, and could not believe what I had just done. I quickly finished, went to wash my hands, touched up my makeup, and check my hair. Nikki came in and asked, “Are you OK?” “I’m so losing my mind Nikki how you think I’m doing?” I stammered. She said, “Relax Chrissy they’re gone now, we have to get back to my house before anything else happens like them calling you, your phone ringing, and then us try explaining how you have Shawn phone that’ll look good”. We walked out, met up with Cindy and Stacey, and walked out to the car.

When we got into the car, Cindy, Stacey, Sam, and Joan were all over her asking her. Then they started to defend me, they kept asking her "What about Shawn? How could you do this to Shawn?" I never knew how much they cared about me until that very moment. Poor Nikki could not even get out a word. I could see her holding everything back and shaking her head at me as if telling me to just keep my cool and stay quite but then I just blurted out at the top of me lungs, “She’s not cheating on me we’re not dating! We haven’t been dating since summer started, all this time it has been a rouse to help me!”

Cindy hit the brakes and I thought we were going to die as she swerved to not hit a car out of sure shock. Cindy stopped the car at the park near Nikki’s house that thank god was empty. She turned around, looked at me, as Stacey’s jaw was on the floor. All day long, we had been trying on new cloths, laughing, joking, getting nails done, and pedicures and they never even knew whom I was until that second. They sat there in utter shock. We all sat silent for what seemed like an eternity before Cindy said, “Shawn!! My god what are you doing? Are you crazy or something? Did you get hit in the head really hard or something?” Well I had no choice but to swear them into silence and tell them the whole story from when I was little and everything Nikki and I had been doing up till this morning.

They did not say anything until Stacey said out of the silence, "Damn, you look hot for a guy". I started to blush and we all started laughing. Then she said, “No wonder you have been so cool with all the girl stuff when you’re with us and this explains why you were so sweet and easy to talk to and hang out with.” Then I looked at Nikki and said, “What were you thinking hooking me up with John”, she said, “Well you’re the one that shouted Yes! OH, YES!!! I would love to go with you to the movies” as she was mocking me and batting her eyes. Then it hit ‘Oh My God’ I thought, she was right I did. That made me feel somewhat weird but ‘being a girl still felt right’ I thought to myself.

When we made it back to Nikki’s house and her parents were already home. Neither of us was paying any attention to anything but talking about what we were going to wear this coming Friday. Her mom was listening to us talk like to normal school girls as Nikki poured us each a glass of pop. Then her mom said, “So you all have dates huh”? “Yes we do” Nikki said, “Even Chrissy has a date mom”. She smiled at me and said, “I’m glad that you’re meeting more people Chrissy”, she thought I had just moved here this summer. Then Nikki just had to tell her mom how I almost fell over when John asked me out. However, I then had to explain how he looked and how dreamy his eyes looked.

We went up stair and planed out what we were going to wear. We decided on outfits that we had just bought today at the mall. Nikki’s mom yelled up and asked if I would stay for dinner I said, “I have to call home and ask thank you for inviting me Mrs. Verbanzik”. I called home and mom and dad said they were going to go dawn to the river early. I asked if I could stay for dinner and go to the movies with some friends on Friday. They said I could but I had better be home by 11:00 tonight and be home by midnight all weekend and if they called, I had better answer. “Yes mom and I will call you when I got home so you don’t worry,” I said. Going down to the river meant they were going to our summer cottage on Lake Shafer by Indiana Beach.

I was so excited that they finally trust me enough to stay home by myself. That night while I ate dinner with Nikki’s mom and dad. Nikki and I told them about the day we had, of course we left out who is really was and what we told the rest of the girls. Then Nikki had to embarrass me saying, “You should have seen how she reacted when John asked her out”. I sunk my head as I felt my cheeks become hot; I was blushing so bad her dad said, “Geese look she’s glowing”. I could not even say anything my throat and mouth were not cooperating so I just giggled. We all had a good time at dinner then I helped Nikki and her mom clean up the dishes. I thanked them for such a wonderful dinner and told Nikki I should be heading home. Nikki said she would meet me tomorrow at my house tomorrow.

Tomorrow had come oh too early as I slowly crawled from my bed to begin yet another day of mundane chores. It was my responsibility to maintain the laundry, yard work and house cleaning when my parents were not home to perform these many tasks. I fully understood how irresponsible they would accuse me of being if any of my chores were not completed upon their return to the extent that I would never be allowed to stay home unsupervised at a later time. Not to mention they had trusted me to finish them since they had paid me money in advance that I usually would not receive until they had inspected my work finding it to their standard.

The first task I chose to complete was taking care of the lawn just after placing a load of laundry in the wash. I always tried to multitask in just certain ways in order to complete the list with minimal down time. There was always a way to do things faster and I was bound and determined to have the most time for myself instead of putting things off for postponing things would just lesson the time I could be having fun.

If everything when smoothly I know I could be finished either in just a few hours leaving the rest of the day to spend with my friends or in self-discovery. Just after I had finished cutting the front portion of the lawn I would change over the laundry, start another load, grab a quick drink and head back out to start work in the back. Finished with my outside work I would begin with the inside dusting, mirrors, bathroom detail, dishing and the while continuing to change loads of laundry, folding and putting them away in their corresponding locations throughout the house. As I started putting away the mop bucket after finishing the bathroom I heard to doorbell ring, I quickly looked to see who was here.

Nikki and the girls were patiently waiting to invite them in to begin another long section or girl talk. “Hey guys please help yourself you know where the TV is and pop and stuff is in the kitchen. I still have a few things I have to finish up” I said. “You mean besides taking a shower?” Cindy said while giggling. Feigning insult, I said, “Yes I know I really need a shower, Thank you for noticing my hard work.”

I finished the dishes, taken my shower, put the last load of laundry into the dryer, folded the cloths fresh out of the dryer, and put all the folded cloths away. Then I did a quick check too double check to make sure everything was done. The only thing left to do was fold the cloths in the dryer that were still drying, “ok I think it is about time I enjoyed a break while the cloths finish drying” I thought to myself.

I sat down in the living room to be filled in on all the latest gossip mostly pertaining to boys, by Stacey. The buzzer rang on the dryer signaling it was time to get back at it. I said, “I‘ll be right back when this is done I’m free as a bird for the weekend”. Sam said, “You clean house real good, would you do my house some time”. I stuck my tongue out at her and started to giggle. “Thank you”, I said, “My mom like to keep a clean house, besides we all know they would start on me about being responsible if it wasn’t all done by Sunday”. We all giggled because everyone’s parents were the same as mine. We talked about all kinds of things over the next few hours from the latest fashions to the latest teen heartthrob.

Before we knew it, it was six o’clock and the boys would be here in an hour to pick us up. I jump into the shower just to be sure, beside you can never be to clean for a date right? Then off to my room with just a towel on. After being whistled at and scolded me for not having my towel on in an appropriate girl manner, I pull it up to cover my nipples. “Here let us help you out after all it’s not every day a girl has her first date”, added Cindy. They followed me to my room and helped me pick out a sexy pair of shorts, low cut tee that said Bad girl across the chest, pair of pink socks to match my shirt and my tennis shoes.

Nikki handed me a pair of realistic breast forms, with protruding nipples, which she has lifted from her mom who works for a plastic surgeon. From the way my face felt, I know I turned an extremely bright red. Everyone enjoyed a good laugh at my embarrassment. I was now officially a size 36-C. After I was dressed, I put on my makeup and earrings and a necklace that Nikki let me borrow. The girls just stared at me all slack jawed.

I said, “How do I look?” they were still silent. “What’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong”? Cindy shook her head and said “nothing that’s the problem. You look just like a real girl; I would never been able to tell if I didn’t watch you do it myself”. “I was really worried for a second don’t scare me like that. I thought something was hanging out or something”, I said. I was assured that everything was in place and I looked fine this allowed me to relax but only just. We talked for a few more minutes and walked back to Nikki’s house to wait for the boys.

We were not there for more than a few minute before the doorbell rang and I had completely frozen in my tracks. Nikki said, “The boys are here. Are you ready”? “I’m not sure this is a good idea anymore”, I managed to say while visibly shaking. Nikki said with confidence, “You really look fine now deep breath”. Just as I was releasing my breath Nikki opened the door, the boys came in, and John was stunning wearing a pair of Blue jean shorts and a Club Naked Tank top. You could see how much he worked out. He looked at me and said, “WOW, Chrissy you look great”. I looked into his deep blue eyes and barely managed to say, “Thank you you’re not so bad yourself”. Just like that, we were off to the movies.
I have to say John was ever the gentleman, he held my hand as we walked, opened the door, paid for everything in fact he would not let me pay for my candy. He had truly impressed me. With what seemed in uncountable amount of people, which was probably, 60 or 70 here, I was nervous to say the least however Nikki would give me a smile and I knew I was OK. John was introducing me to his friends from Merrillville High School who had come tonight.

All the girls were checking each other out as if sizing up the competition. I was receiving many dirty looks. I grabbed Nikki and told her what was happening she shrugged and said, “John was on the football team, what you expect they’re cheerleaders that wanted to go out with him. Relax their just jealous don’t even worry about them”. Nikki’s reassurance however was not making me feel any better. John gently grabbed me by the waist, brushed his fingers lightly through my hair, reassuring me how pretty I looked by his heart warming smile and we took are seats.

With my mind was attempting to swim through a cloud of emotions, odd feelings were starting to effect my judgment while watching the movie. John had put his arm around my shoulder and I sat with my head against his shoulder. The other boys all had their arms around their dates as well. However, I found that liked his arm around me. I tried to ignore the strong feeling that was swelling within my chest although I have to admit that the secure and warmth of John's muscular arm around me made me feel good. I found myself snuggling into his shoulder to which he responded by pulling me closer. Despite all the action on the screen, I found I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie as I kept sneaking peeks at John's face.

As the confused and conflicting emotions were filling my mind, there was this smell that tickled my nose however I could not put my finger on. ‘How do I feel about being in John's embrace’ I thought. Starting to go over what everyone had said, “Just go with the flow, have a good time, and most importantly try not to think about anything”. My brain overloaded with all the emotions I was starting to feel. ‘Here I am on a date with a boy, A Boy, what am I thinking!’ I thought.

While pondering all this, I just looked up at John wondering where this would lead me tomorrow he looked down at me, smiled at me with those big blue eyes, and kissed me a soft sweet kiss that sent a tingle all the way threw my body. ‘He kissed me, OH MY God, I have never felt like this before’, I thought. My heart started to beat faster and my body felt like it was on fire I was getting extremely hot. As he slowly pulled away, I saw Nikki and Cindy staring at me and all I could do was blush.

At McDonald's, I was sitting in a booth with Cindy and Nikki, the other girls in the next booth and all the guys were playing a arcade game while we waited for the boys to bring the food over. Cindy and Nikki were giving me a strange look. Then Nikki leaned over and whispered to me, “We saw you two kissing. I blushed and said quietly, “Hey come on I was just as surprised as you, believe me”. Cindy said “Yeah Right, it looked like you were surprised” then I said “No! Serious don’t even joke like that I’m just coming out of shock here” I shot them a stern glance "Fine, besides it was cute huh Nikki?” said Cindy. Nikki looked at me and said, “we’re ganna have to talk about this latter, shhh, the boys are coming”.

John and Dave walked Nikki and I back to her house. I was afraid for anyone to know where I lived. Not to mention all the problems that would start if mom and dad found out about Chrissy. I thanked John for a wonderful time. As we approached the door of Nikki’s house with his hand touching my face, his finger sliding down my cheek I looked away from him. He turned my head with my heart beating ever faster he lifted my chin and before I could react, his lips were pressed against mine for the second time that evening. I put my hands against his chest in and attempted to push him away.

However, I found my resistance to his advance fading as rapidly as a shooting star. I fell backwards into the side of the house as John's kisses became more passionate. My lips resisted for perhaps a millisecond, before allowing his probing tongue access as our tongues touched, suddenly, like somebody flipping a switch until my breath was taken away, I wanted so much to be a girl for John. I wanted to be his girl. I put my arms around his neck, trying to pull him closer to me, while I returned his kisses with pent up passion of my own. Never had I felt like this before, not with any girl, not with anyone.

John slid his hand up inside my top, caressing my skin and my skin was electrified. Nikki said loudly “hey me parents are home and might be looking out the windows people”. John gently touched my arm and said, “I wish you didn't have to go” just before he bent down to gave me another long kiss. As I walked toward Nikki’s front door of her house, I was melting inside. I never felt so free, so whole, so....me.

I walked home in a daze after they had left; Nikki called to make sure I got home all right. I assured her I was fine just a little tired. She said, “OK we will talk when I came over tomorrow. Good night”. “Good night Nikki, I will see you tomorrow”, I said, hung up the phone, and fell asleep dreaming of a boy.