Part 1 - After having a life changing experience, it's hard to go back to the way things were.

It was January 1983. New York was still it's usual high paced self and it was still cold. But after the Christmas I just had life seemed to lose some of its pizzazz. At night I would lay in my bed, clutch my Cabbage Patch doll close to my chest and think back of that wonderful day that was Christmas. I could still remember how happy I was and how natural I felt in the maroon party dress; it was a day like no other, and perhaps that was the problem. Sure, the morning after Christmas when I woke up I was still in those wonderful panties that had the Disney Princesses on them and a long shirt served as a make shift nightgown, but things eventually returned back to normal. I was once again Keith, a boy doing his best to fit in the role the life gave him.

Part of me hoped that I could make a reappearance as Katie for New Years Eve, but my aunt had to work the next day and my aunt and I wound up watching the ball drop on television because she had work the next morning. It was okay, I mean, I love spending time with my aunt, and I did my best to hide my disappointment.

School started back up shortly after the new year and everything fell back into the same old routine. Everything was the same, except for me, who suddenly couldn't put my heart into the facade I carefully displayed my whole life. I just did my best to make it through each day with as little strife as possible, secretly waiting for night time to come around so as I drifted off to sleep I could relive the one moment in time where everything was real and everything was perfect.

Time kept steadily marching on, but things were about to change without me even knowing. It all started around the seventeenth a few days before my eight birthday. Though most children would be looking forward to another round of receiving presents, i was impartial to the day ever coming around.

It was the seventeenth, as I said, and it was a Monday. I was laying in bed sleeping, my white cat, Mirage, was curled up between my legs and sleeping while resting on the crook of my knee.

"Keith," my Aunt Roe said softly as she shook my shoulder, "time to get up and get ready for school."

I was obedient in waking up, as I always was. I found out long ago it was pointless to start the day with a fight, but being woken up was a new procedure for me. It use to be that once the clock hit 6 A.M. I was up and ready to go. Usually I would watch cartoons for an hour while eating a bowl of cereal before I would even have to start to get dressed. I suppose GI Joe didn't have the same draw as it use to and those extra moments of sleep gave hope to the chance that I would dream about Christmas and being Katie once more.

I kicked my covers downs, no longer keeping to my past routine of slinking out of bed so I would leave the covers undisturbed and forego the chore of having to make it. I sat up in bed and looked at my aunt expectantly, though I couldn't fathom why.

"Good morning," my Aunt said as she sat down on the bed next to me.

"Good morning, Aunt Roe," I mumbled in reply as I arched my back in a stretch.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay," my Aunt asked as she placed her hand on my forehead to gauge my temperature.

"I'm fine," I said, not pulling a way as I use to do. I just allowed her to show this act of kindness and concern without protest.

"Are you sure?" My aunt pressed, almost like she was trying to elicit a response or a whine out of mine.

"Yeah," I said noncommittally. "I feel okay."

"Maybe we should keep you home from school, just to be sure," my Aunt offered.

"That's okay," I said. "I don't need to miss school and I really need to get my spelling words for the week and stuff."

"If you're sure," my Aunt said, the worry was evident in her voice.

"I'm sure." I gave a weak smile as I rested my head against her arm.

"Okay then, I have your clothes laid out for you on your toy chest," my Aunt said as she stood up. "You got about a half an hour before the bus gets here so don't dilly dally."

"I won't," I said as I watched my Aunt walk out the room.

I stood up and took to making my bed. I know my Aunt didn't ask me to, but it was the right thing to do. My cat never strayed from his spot on the bed, he just looked up at me as if to ask if I was done yet. I tucked the blanket under the mattress, gave my cat a few scratches behind his ear and took a deep breath. Another day as Keith was about to get underway.

I took off my pajamas and placed them on my desk. When I was dressed I would take them to the bathroom and place them in a hamper. That was a new habit I had gotten into, Forgoing my usual clumping them in a ball and tossing them into a corner for my aunt to take care of later. I slid down my white boy underwear and placed them with the rest of my night clothes. Standing naked in my room, I glanced down at my body, at the inch of flesh that ever since Christmas was the bane of my existence.

"If it weren't for you," I whispered at my penis, "life would be perfect."

I shook my head, knowing that it was pointless to argue with my anatomy. No matter how often I told it I wanted it gone, my penis had no choice but to stay where it was. I didn't know why I was concerned with that particular part of me anyway, after all when I was Katie it wasn't like it went anywhere. But I also knew that it was what was keeping me from being Katie all the time and I was forming a strong dislike for the dangling piece of flesh between my legs.

I really didn't have time to loathe my anatomy properly, I had to get ready for school. I slid on a pair of fresh white underwear, noticing how imperfect they really were. They didn't have that softness that the girl's panties I had wore did. They didn't fit as snug against my body and give me the same sense of security. And they most certainly didn't have any style; they were just plain white unders with two blue stripes around the elastic band. Though the elastic clung close to my waist, the crotch felt baggy and loose, making me wonder how much I lacked in that particular area compared to other boys. But, then again, was I really lacking as a boy, or did I have too much excess as a girl.

I shook my head, knowing that now was not the time to contemplate such things. I quickly put on my blue jeans and long sleeved shirt. It amazed me at how Spartan boy clothes were, they were meant to be worn, not enjoyed and certainly not to look at. They were just so plain and that caused me to frown as I put on my socks and sneakers for the day.

I gave my cat one last goodbye pet along his back, grabbed my book bag and joined my aunt in the kitchen where a hot pop-tart was waiting for me.

"You know what this Saturday is," my aunt said in an excited voice.

Even though I was glum from the male clothes that I once again found myself trapped in, I couldn't help but smile. "Yes," I said as a swallowed a nibble of Pop-Tart. "I'm going to be eight."

"That's right," my aunt said, pleased to see my mood lighten. "Do you want anything special?"

"Banana cake," I replied. Banana cake is regular cake but with a banana cream filling with slices of fresh banana in two of the layers, not to be confused with banana-nut bread. It was my favorite flavored cake.

"That goes without saying," Aunt Roe replied. "You haven't left any hints around at what gift you want."

I was torn, there really wasn't any item that I wanted and I know my Aunt couldn't make me go back in time to have Christmas all over again. "Some video games would be nice," I said by default. "Maybe Ms. Pacman."

My aunt smiled. "I'll see what I can do."

Ms. Pacman really wasn't a hint that I wanted to be Katie once again, it just so happened to be the most popular video game of the year and was everywhere. Though I could tell my aunt pretty much damn near everything, I couldn't bring myself to ask for the one thing I really wanted. Somewhere along the line, me being a girl was a subject that was not to be broached and I didn't understand why.

"The bus will be here soon," My Aunt told me after I drank my last sip of milk.

"Okay," I said as I stood up, put on my heavy blue winter coat and slipped my book bag over my shoulder. I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Be good."

"I'll try," I said and then gave a sly grin. Those always seemed to be our last words whenever I went to school. I left the apartment and waited in the small foyer just inside the apartment to keep me from the cold.

Within five minutes the bus came, punctual as always. I opened up the door and was greeted by the cold New York Winter air. I shuffled quickly to the bus and climbed aboard. I was one of the first kids picked up so the bus was virtually empty.

Prior to Christmas I use to make my way all the way into the back of the bus so I could get the last seat. That was the seat that bounced you around the most and also you were the furthest away from the bus driver and matron and could get away with more and sometimes even get away with telling dirty jokes. But I quit doing that ever since school started back up, it just didn't seem fun anymore and felt like I was doing something wrong. Instead, I sat on the seat opposite the matron and just behind the driver so I could stare out the window as the world past me by.

No one talked to me on the trip to school and that was fine with me. I could hear the noise from the back, the loud cackling that I was once drawn too no longer held any appeal. It was like even though I no longer dressed like Katie, I was no longer the Keith I use to be. I frowned as I looked out the window, feeling trapped between two worlds and wondered if I even belonged in either of them.

It only took forty minutes for the bus to make its rounds and drop us off at school. Once there we, the children, were immediately deposited into the school yard where we would be free to do whatever we wanted until the whistles blew and we had to get in our respective lines for our classes.

PS 71 was a large four floor red brick building that was probably a converted factory. The only item of distinction was the enormous circular chimney that extended from the top on looked almost like a nuclear silo. The only other thing that always struck me as odd, was it didn't have a name. Not Ridgewood Elementary or George Washington Elementary school, it was just Public School 71, it was a number and I was just one of the products this education factor turned out.

Even in the dead of winter, with the blistering cold, the yard was alive with noise and activity. Kids were yelling and laughing and running around, letting off the last bit of energy before they had to sit still for the next three hours have information crammed into their brains whether they liked it or not.

I use to be one of the masses that would run and holler and be a general goofball with the rest of the minions, but even that didn't seem fun anymore. Instead, I found a small cubby hole where some of the girls gathered around to keep safe from both the cold and from annoying boys that wanted to tease them.

"What are you doing here, Keith," Mary, a girl from my class said in a high pitched scold.

"Nothing," I said in a voice a little bit louder than a whisper. "I just don't want to freeze." That really wasn't a lie, but it also wasn't the total truth either. One of the benefits of staying where I was outside of not freezing was hearing what the girls had to say. There conversations were always interesting and had a depth to them that I didn't find when talking to boys. Though I never participated in the conversations, it gave me a strange sense of belonging just being in the vicinity.

"Shouldn't you be playing with the other cavemen," Mary continued her questioning and I noticed other girls were becoming interested in the exchange.

I really didn't want to be the center of attention and was getting kind of annoyed that Mary wouldn't just let me be. "It's too cold and I don't feel like it," I said as I took a step back towards the wall.

"You know what I think," Mary said as she took a step forward. "I think you're a spy and you listen to everything we say and then tell all your friends so they can make fun of us. That's what I think."

I could see the other girls grow suspicious of me.

"Ever since we came back from break all you do is hang around us," Mary continued her accusations. "But you never say anything and you do your best to not be noticed, just like a spy does."

"I'm not a spy," I said in almost a plea.

"You sure act like one," Mary said firmly. "We should just kick you out of here and make you go with your own kind. We don't want boy spies around us, Keith."

I was almost in tears. I no longer had my own kind and I felt so alone and unwanted.

"Leave him alone, Mary," Jessica, another girl from my class came to my defense. "He's not hurting anyone.:

"Sure he's not," Mary said snidely. "I just wouldn't tell any secrets around the spy. Not unless you want the whole school to know."

With those words Mary and a group of girls made their way to the other end of the little nook where we all were and Jessica and I were left alone.

"Some people," Jessica said in exasperation. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said as I ran my coat sleeve across my nose.

"Don't mind Mary, she don't trust anyone," Jessica said as she moved closer to me, as if she didn't want to be overheard. "I don't mind you hanging out with us."

"You don't?" I asked in surprise.

"Nah, there's something different about you then the other boys, I kind of like that. You're the only boy I know that's not an idiot."

I let out a light laugh and smiled.

"That's better," Jessica said. "So did you get into a fight with one of the guys?"

"No," I said in surprise of the question. "If I did they would probably beat me up."

Jessica looked me over and was once again reminded of my diminutive size. "Probably," she said and then laughed. "Is one of them teasing you?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Okay," Jessica said as she was evidently trying to think of some other line of questioning. "Then why are you hanging around with us girls? Boys don't ever do that."

"I don't know," I said quietly. "Its just that it doesn't seem fun anymore hanging with the guys. All they do is get loud and talk about dumb things and I guess I'm bored.'

Jessica gave a strained smile. "If you say so. Hey, if you need a friend, I wouldn't mind being one for you."

I smiled. "I would like that," I said with a glow. "I would like that a lot."

"Good, we're friends." Jessica gave me a quick hug.

The way she said that we're friends made me know that she meant something more than the friend's I had in the past. This wasn't going to be just an acquaintance that I happen to spend a lot of time with, there was a commitment there, at least on her part.

"There's something different about you, Keith Leonard, and I hope one day you tell me what it is, because I like it.'

I was so tempted to tell her about Christmas and about me being Katie and that I wanted to live as a girl more. My mind worked at just how I could tell her and not seem like a sideshow freak. As I was formulating my response, the whistles blew and it was time to line up for class. Since I was so short I was near the front of the boys' line and Jessica was near the back of the girls and the chance to let out my secret slipped away.

We marched haphazardly through the school hallways being led by the teacher as if we were some motley weekend soldiers being led away to a POW camp. Noise was kept to a minimum and so were our spirits as another Monday in the New York City public school system was about to begin.

I entered the classroom and made my way to the large coat closet with just about everyone else. The boys were all shoving and cramming into the small area as if each certain hook that they hung their winter garments on gave them a reward. Though I use to participate in the anarchy before Christmas, I no longer saw the point and simply waited the mini-melee out. When the boys filed out, I simply waited my turn and hung up my thick winter coat on whatever hook was available.

The whole episode of coat hanging only took a mere three minutes, and though it wasn't the most efficient way of going about things, I suppose it went quick enough for Mrs. Round not to change the procedure. I shook my head at it, but what was I to do, I was only a kid.

I made my way to my desk, second row, third seat back. I was actually proud of my desk, for the first time in my schooling history it was actually tidy and didn't look like the aftermath of a nuclear bomb test site. I placed my book bag over the back of the chair and settled into the plastic seat.

In the mornings, we didn't need to be told what to do, it had already been well established. I reached behind me and pulled my black and white composition notebook out of my bag and placed it on my desk. I took out a sharpened pencil from my desk and copied what was on the black board.

"Today is January 17th, 1983," I copied from the board. In the past I would get involved in the unspoken competition with the other boys as to who could finish copying the daily writing assignment quickest, but I suppose I realized that wasn't the purpose of the work that we were given. Instead, I concentrated on making me cursive writing as neat as possible. I discovered that if I didn't hold the pencil so tightly, that I actually wrote neater.

Mrs. Round was making her way up and down the rows to check on our progress. She stopped briefly at my desk. "Very nice, Keith," she said in almost a whisper. "I'm glad to see you applying yourself."

I smiled in response and continued on with my work.

"Kiss up," Brett Reynolds said from behind me as soon as the teacher was out of earshot.

I just shrugged it off. I mean, what was I suppose to do, respond and say no I'm not. That would've just gotten me in trouble. Besides, Brett was twice as tall as me and there was a rumor going around that he even shaved every morning. I certainly didn't need that kind of opposition in my life.

The rest of the morning fell into the familiar pattern of every other Monday morning we had all year. We did some math work, as we tried to figure out our multiplication tables. For some reason math came easy to me and I didn't struggle with it as much as other kids in my class. Then we did some social studies where we continued learning about the great city of New York and memorized the five boroughs. And just before lunch we got our spelling words for the week.

The buzzer came over the intercom to signal that it was time for lunch. A frenzy of activity began to happen as all the boys made a mad dash back to the coat closet. It was the daily practice at my school that after you ate your meal you could go outside for almost half an hour. I stayed in my seat for a moment and just watched the lunacy. It wasn't like the person who got his coat first was going to leave the room any quicker than the person who got his coat last and I wondered how I ever use to participate in such madness. After an appropriate time passed, I made my way to the back and though I wasn't the very last person to get my coat, I certainly wasn't in any hurry.

I took my place in line, where I belonged and like good little inmates, we all marched towards the lunch room.

Lunch was quite different for me as well since I had returned from Christmas break. I wasn't so concerned about finishing as quick as possible so I could spend a few more seconds outside in the freezing cold. I'm not saying the food was of any better quality, but today we were served hotdogs and that was a hard meal to mess up.

Though I didn't want to, I took my seat at the boys side of the long table. Part of me contemplated sitting with Jessica and the other girls, but I knew that would mean instant teasing and I didn't feel I needed that much grief in my life. Besides, even though Jessica probably wouldn't mind me sitting with her, I was sure Mary would make a comment and I didn't know what the other girls would think. I was torn between to worlds; the world I so much wanted to be a part of and the world in which life had thrust me into by the sole reason that I had a penis.

It didn't matter, I just took my seat and started preparing my lunch. The hotdog was already on the bun and I added mustard from a little package and then loaded up some baked beans on top of it. Though it wasn't the neatest way to eat the meal, I followed what every other boy was doing so I didn't look like a total outcast.

I sat eating my lunch as the other boys talked about what they always talked about during lunch; stupid things. Today's topic was the A-team and which character they represented. Everyone wanted to be Hannibal Smith, the leader and was making fun of others saying they were more like Murdoch. I decided to forego any participation in the discussion because the show had lost it's appeal to me. Guns and fights and car chases use to appeal to me, but I knew I was different now. Actually, I wasn't different, but instead of conforming to what the world told me I should be, I was finally being true to myself and figured I didn't need to be bored for an hour so I could get into silly discussions on what fictitious character I was.

Though the conversation around me dragged on and on, and I could see that it went in a circle that would never end, i was able to finish my meal in a reasonable time. I knew I had some time to catch some fresh air and maybe get a chance to talk to Jessica some more before we had to go back to class and finish the day.

I zipped up my coat and made my way to the side exit that would lead into the yard. The sun was shining brightly but it was still bitterly cold. A bunch of boys were running around playing a spirited game of freeze tag, which was amazingly appropriate for the weather. i didn't want to get sweaty in this cold, neither did I feel like getting slapped hard, which was one of the new aspects of the game, so I decided to head to where the girls were hiding.

As I walked across the small yard i did my best to stay unnoticed. I certainly didn't want to be invited to play a game in which I didn't want to join, but if I were asked I would be compelled to conform to what was expected of me.

"Mr. Leonard," I heard a voice call out over me.

I stopped and turned around to see Mr. Mayo just a few feet away. "Yes, sir."

"Where do you think you are going?" he asked sternly.

"Just over there," I said as I motioned to the girls with my head.

"And why would you be going over there, hmm," he continued.

"So I could talk to Jessica," I said as plainly as I could.

"I think the girls would prefer it if you left them alone," Mr. Mayo said bluntly.

"But I..."

"But nothing, leave the girls alone and stop pestering them or you'll be at the punishment table for the next week."

The punishment table was an area set up at the front of the lunchroom that got their meal last and was forced to spend lunch break writing sentences over and over for what they did wrong. "But I was just," I tried to come up with some explanation.

"This is your last warning," Mr. Mayo said strongly, "go hang out with the boys where you belong."

I let out a deep sigh. "Okay." I gave in. not wanting my lunchtimes ruined for a week. I took a look over to the area where the girls were, the area where I wanted to be and noticed that Mary was watching me and Mr. Mayo with piqued interest. As soon as she saw me looking she stuck her tongue out at me and then turned away.

"Get moving," Mr. Mayo commanded.

With head down and shoulders slumped, I turned the opposite direction of where I originally intended to be and made my way to the other side of the yard. Though I wasn't allowed to hang around the girls, I was in no means going to participate in a game that I didn't want to play. Instead, I walked to the far end of the yard and sat down against the fence post. I did my best not to cry, I knew that would lead me to be teased relentlessly, but I couldn't keep from pouting.

Luckily no one noticed me, or if they did, they didn't care. I just sat in the corner of the yard and kept to myself, feeling very much alone in the world. I wondered if this was how E.T. felt when he was forgotten on Earth. It dawned on me how much my thinking had changed ever since my Christmas day as Katie. Then again, maybe it hadn't changed, I always cared about how others felt, but whenever those thoughts would pop up, I would weigh it against how I thought the world wanted me to respond and chased those thoughts of caring away to the outer reaches of my mind.

"What are you doing way over here?" A familiar voice asked even though I wasn't paying close enough attention to see Jessica approach me.

"Nothing," I said sourly, trying my best not to whine or sound pouty.

"Can I do nothing with you?" Jessica asked as she sat down next to me.

"Sure," I replied, but I was starting to get curious as to why Jessica suddenly was taking so much interest in me.

"So," Jessica said in an elongated manner and let the word just hang in the air like a little cartoon balloon that had nowhere else to go.

I looked up at Jessica. I don't suppose I had a reason, but I certainly didn't want to seem rude at the same time. "Have you ever imagined that your life was a movie and you were just as actress playing a role?"

Jessica giggled. "Sometimes, when I'm home, in front of the mirror, I pretend that I'm singing in one of those new music videos, does that count?"

I smiled. "I sometimes think my whole life is a movie and I'm an actress playing the role of Keith."

"You mean actor," Jessica corrected me. "Only girls are actresses."

I didn't realize that I had let the wrong word slip out, but I think I used the one I really intended. I didn't bother telling Jessica that, who knows what would've happened. "Sometimes I wish I could get another part."

Jessica put her arm around me and let me lean my head on her shoulder. "I think you should just be you and leave the movies for the Ridgewood Theatre."

"I'll try to be me," I said and then gave a sly grin.

Before we could go any further into our conversation, the whistles started to blow and it was time to line up so we could get back to class. It just goes to show that as a third grader, you didn't get much say in what you did,

We marched back to our classroom and repeated the same procedure as we did when we arrived in the morning. In the afternoons we worked on science, which was mostly just reading out of text books and answering questions at the back of the chapter. Then we ended the day practicing our cursive writing, which, unlike what Brett Reynolds had told us, did not consist of writing dirty words.

It was nearing three o'clock and Mrs. Round let us grab our coats a little early so we could leave as soon as the finally buzzer sounded. All 30 eyes of the students watched the clock silently as it ticked away the final minute, and, as usual, the second hand paused briefly at the 59th second.

Finally the buzzer sounded. The other boys acted like there was a million dollars on the other side of the door as they leapt from their desk and power walked as quick as possible to the door. As they jockeyed for position, I calmly stood up and gathered my book bag. I wasn't in too big of a hurry to simply get to my bus.

"Keith," Mrs. Round said as I walked up the row.

"Yes, Mrs. Round," I said as I paused at her desk.

"I want you to give this letter to your aunt," she said as she handed me a plain white envelope. "I want to see her tomorrow to discuss certain things."

My eyes grew wide open and I fought the urge to simply break down and cry. "But I didn't do nothing wrong," I pleaded.

"I didn't say you did anything wrong," Mrs. Round said. "I just need to speak to your aunt, that's all. Okay?"

"Okay," I replied forlornly as I carefully placed the envelope in the front zipper compartment of my book bag.

"Make sure she gets that letter," Mrs. Round reiterated as I made my way to the door with my head down.

"I will," I said solemnly and then left the classroom.

I walked down the busy hallway of the elementary school, but really wasn't paying attention to those around me. I was too busy wondering what it was that I could've done wrong. I handed in all of my homework, I wasn't even close to getting into any fights, and I don't think I talked back once since I returned from school from winter break. Maybe that sneaky Mary made up lies about me, I thought. It was bad enough that I couldn't hang out in the little cubby hole with the girls at lunch, maybe she was trying to get me suspended all together.

I found my way to the bus and sat in my accustomed seat up front. Being sent home with a note was never good and I didn't even know what I was in trouble for to come up with a good excuse as to why it happened.

I looked up at the sky, I wondered if maybe my life was really a movie and I wasn't pretending. "Cut!" I pictured an imaginary director saying. But no matter how much I wanted it, I was still cast in the role of Keith. Not a glamorous role for an actress, that was for sure.

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Author's note: I am hoping to post on this story every three days until completion .