I wish I could get you
Out of my mind
But I think about it all the time
And I wish I could not think
For once in my life
But when I see your face
I can't escape my mind

The feeling of an extreme panic attack overtook me as soon as I tuned back to the front. I could feel my eyes twitch and the sensation of hands grabbing at my shoulders and pulling down. I had to look at a microscopic dot on the blackboard. An atom of chalk dust was my guardian angel, convincing me to just look at it and to not turn to see…him.
Perhaps I heard the name wrong. Maybe this was Anthony-anything-but-and-maybe-just-rhymes-with-Riesche. I closed my eyes and tried to wipe the memories away. I had grown since then. I had hundreds of session hours with my therapist to keep my mind above it all, that Anthony was in the past and I could remember him as someone who could have been hit by a car or been eaten by a wolverine, bear or a rabid raccoon…but no, he was sitting in the back of the room and my expression looked like I was ready to collapse to the floor. I did the only thing I thought I could at that moment: I scrambled from my desk, past Mr. Cain, and ran out of the room without asking for any form of permission.

“You okay?”
“What are you doing in here?” I asked as I looked up to see Frank standing next to the door.
“The next girl who walks in here is going to ask the same question. I’ll tell them I’m in here for you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You darted out of Balum’s class like your hair was on fire.”
“I’m not going back there, Frank. I’m not.”
I leaned onto one of the sinks. “Of course, now, everyone’s going to tell him.”
“Not everyone. I can kind of guess who the asshole will be. Hey, we said we’d take care of this if it ever happened.”
“It’s not supposed to happen, Frank!” I yelled as I slammed fists against the painted cinderblock wall.
He nodded.
“I’ve had three pretty good years and now…this.”
“It can go two, maybe three ways, Joanna.”
“We could kill him?” I was all open to wrapping my backpack straps around his neck and pulling with all my might.
“That would be the fourth option. Kind of a nuclear one…that we may not want to say too loudly.”
“What are our options?”
“Okay, you’re going to get pissed with the first—”
“I am not going to let bygones be bygones. I am not going to be the bigger person. I will fight like the dirtiest bitch fighter there ever was! This is a high school, not a country. There’s no fricking Geneva Convention that will. Save. His. Ass!”
“Okay, option two is we tell Mr. Cain and let the school handle it.”
“Ooh, yeah, because they handled it so well then.”
“Do you want me to kick his ass, Jo?”
“Was that option three?”
“I hadn’t really thought of a third one…was kind of hoping you’d go with the first.”
We stared at each other for a few moments.
I took a deep breath. “I can’t let it go, Frank.”
“I know.”
“He’s going to paint me into something I’m not.”
“We’re not going to let him. You are Joanna Annette Peterson, not whoever he may think you are.”
“So, we’re using full names today?”
“You started it,” Frank replied with a shrug. “You okay?”
I nodded a few times and then turned away from him.
“Jo?”
“No, I can’t go back in there. I can’t go into that hall with him being there.”
“Shall we have class in here? I call dibs on stall one. It looks cleaner than the others.”
“I want to brave, I do, but I have hundreds of hours of therapy based on what I would do if he ever came back and there he is.”
“Okay, hear me out.”
I turned around to face him but Frank looked to the ground and then refused to look me in the eye.
“What?”
“Maybe he’s different now. Perhaps life has caught up with him or he’s grown a conscience since then.”
“The only way I’m going to leave this room is that if he even looks at me, you will help me kick his ass.”
“Do you think April would look at me as being heroic?”
“Depends on the backstory you tell her.” I replied as I took a deep breath.
“Can I embellish a little bit?”
“Sure, go for it.” I replied as the bell rang.
“Let’s get our books.”

We left the restroom with a few students gawking at Frank stepping out of the girls room. It took a little explaining to Mrs. Balum about what happened. I avoided the details but mentioned the bad history I shared with Anthony as Frank gathered our stuff.

I kept my focus on my locker. I didn’t look for Anthony, but I could see him—barely—in the corner of eye and I could sweat he was looking at me. Perhaps timing just the right moment to throw a verbal barb or attempt to rip off what I was wearing.

“Do you see April?”
“No.”
“But you saw Anthony.”
“Uh-huh. Is he looking at me?”
“No, it looks like he’s being crowded by the old crew.”
“Can I hit him with my car?”
“Calm down a bit there, Bronson.”
“April at your six o’clock.”
Frank turned back around and kind of frantically looked for her, even though she was pretty much in front of us.
“Hey, Frank,” she said with a big wave and a wide smile.
“April,” he replied as he tried to stay “cool”. “Ahh, are you doing anything for lunch?”
“Lunchroom, I guess.”
“I have a much better place in mind. Somewhere where we can get whatever you want and have a bit of conversation too.”
“Where is that?”
“Ahh, that will be a surprise. Are you game?”
She looked at him with eyes that were so huge I almost asked her if she was manga character. “I’m interested.”
If I was not standing there, I was certain they would have been all over each other.
“Meet me under the clock at lunch.”
“I’ll do that,” she replied. “I gotta get to class now, though. I’m falling behind in Spanish.”
“Of course. I’ll see you later.”
She made another huge wave to him and looked like a lovestruck little girl while doing it. I guess she had gotten over her Medical Lake boyfriend. I fought back a scowl as Frank turned back to me.
“I think it’s going to go beyond just the dance.”
I only nodded as we continued walking to our lockers.
“We’ll walk to the store during lunch, and I will let her buy whatever she wants. Could I borrow a five?”
I reached into my purse and took out a five-dollar bill.
“Are you keeping a running total?”
“Should I?” I asked as I passed the bill to Frank.
“Now I feel guilty.”
“You can make it up to me when I pummel you with the sword.”
“You’re seriously thinking about kicking my ass, aren’t you?”
“A bit.”
“Whatever you do, do not put Anthony’s face on my body.”
“I don’t know,” I replied as I opened my locker. “it feels like that would be a great release.”
“A release would be to scream, write a missive or meditate.”
“Ooh, you’re sounding like my therapist now.” I snarked as I grabbed Frank’s books.
“As much as you hate him, that does sound like pretty good advice. So, if I write it on a piece of paper and stuck it in a fortune cookie, would you listen to said words?”
“You’re going to be late for P.E.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Jo.”
I nodded as I opened the locker below mine and placed Frank’s books inside.
“Hey, Joey!”
I usually ignored anyone who called me Joey or Joseph—which had not happened for quite a while. The hallway became dead quiet as I turned to the sound of a voice that last I heard had asked me to dance.
“Tony Riesche,” I said as I lowered my backpack from off of my shoulder.
“How it’s hanging?”
“It’s a little heavy,” I replied as I held it in my hands.
“I’ll bet.”
“I missed you, Tony.”
“Really?”
“But I won’t now,” I replied as I swung it into his face—allowing the keychains attached to it scratch his face. It worked quite well as his face turned red. First in embarrassment and then in outrage. There was a great chance I was about to get my ass kicked.
But I would regret nothing. It would be worth it.

Escape My Mind by Grace VanderWaal