Part 11 of 11

Chapter 16
"Patty, this is getting out of control!" I cried.

"Getting?" she asks.

"OK, It's gone over a cliff and dragged the wagon train with it. That good enough?"

"I suppose with my folks in Phoenix a Western allusion would be in order."

"How do you feel about eloping?" I asked.

"If we did that my mother would put out a hit on me"

"I thought it was my family that did things like that."

"If you had been born female your mother might have done that if you eloped. I think it's genetic or something, which is why you would even suggest such a thing."

"I guess I have more to learn about being a woman. So if it's genetic, why aren't you wanting a big wedding?"

"Maybe I've had to transfer enough of my female essence into you that the wedding urge has been weakened. Are you feeling any great need to wear white and carry a bouquet?"

"Now that you mention it… I could wear the dress and you could wear my suit with a fake mustache. How about a beard like the one those guys on the cough drops have?"

"This would be a lot easier if those stick-up-the-ass, moralistic hypocrites in the legislature would just let anyone who wanted to do it get married and keep their nose out of other people's business."

"You sound like Uncle Louie when he gets going about stupid laws. Of course, my family considers most laws stupid. Maybe we need to give up on the riverboat thing and take Charlie and Maude up on their offer to let us have the reception at their place. All we'd need to do is find a notary public…"

"Jesus! What am I thinking? Jenny is a notary public!"

"She is?

"Comes in handy since she works for a bunch of lawyers. And that means we can both wear dresses and not have to worry about anyone worrying why you have two names or why you look like a girl in a suit!"

"I've said it before, my lady is a genius. We'd better find Jenny!
 

"Jenny?"

"Hey! Nice to see you out of your room. Did you guys run out of energy or something?"

"We've been planning our wedding. It's gotten complicated."

"Why am I not surprised? You're actually going to marry the crook who fell through you bedroom ceiling?"

"I didn't fall, I jumped."

"But you fell for me."

"No, I fell on him, but that's a mere detail. I never intend to get that drunk again."

"Even at our reception?"

"Especially at your reception. It's considered bad form to puke on the bride. Either bride in this case."

"That's good, because you need to be sober to perform the ceremony for us."

"Huh?"

"The people at the boat place said that the first mate was a notary public and he could perform the ceremony. All that stuff about captains at sea being able to marry people is just plain wrong."

"And you're a notary public and a friend, so who better?" says Patty with a smile.

"Wow! I'd better check at the office to be sure that's all right. I'd hate to have my good friends have to be a test case if anything went wrong."

"I bet you know a few good lawyers if we need one."

"I do, but believe me you want to meet them at a cocktail bar and not before a legal bar. Liza, you have a weird look on your face."

"I was just thinking. If the family of the bride usually pays for the wedding and I'm going to be a bride after all, then…"

"Liza, I like your parents. I don't want you to do anything that would do them in before the wedding. Now my parents…"

"Weren't you just telling me that every mother in the world has a genetic urge to run her daughter's wedding?"

"I was, but your mother is still getting used to having a daughter."

"Maybe you should get them both on the phone together and let them duel it out?" suggests Jenny.

"You're wicked!" enthuses Patty.

"She's brilliant. Who gets to call first?" I asked.

"You do, it's a local call. I'm going to wait for the rates to go down at eleven."

"Thrifty, that's a virtue in a wife."
 

So we canceled our riverboat tickets and rescheduled the wedding, which wasn't much of a problem as we hadn't invited anyone yet. My phone call to Momma was interesting, she was still getting used to having a daughter but Patty was right - the opportunity to help plan her daughter's wedding couldn't be resisted.

So Pops got left home alone and Momma took us girls out for dinner and shopping. Of course we were hoping for some parental largess, especially since my new breasts had depleted what little savings we had. Wedding dresses were going to have to be cheap and simple. Which shows you how far I had to go in my path to womanhood. There is no such thing as a cheap or simple wedding dress, even off the rack.

Six days after our phone calls, Patty's mother arrived at the airport and rented a car, an incredible expense to two low-income working girls. Someday…

The Meeting of the Mothers ensued, and as soon as I was off shift and Patty did her last customer we were whisked away to our fates as brides. Being mothers, I suppose they thought we would need to eat before shopping in order to preserve our energy levels.

My mother was conservative in her shopping habits so, even though there were malls in Buffalo in 1977 she immediately headed for AM&As for important shopping. We fueled up at their restaurant, but we noticed that our mothers were exchanging Secret Mother Code during the meal. After a small dessert split between the four of us, they nodded to each other and handed us each a small gift-wrapped package.

Naturally we opened them, and I found an engagement ring and a wedding ring in mine. Unsurprisingly, Patty found the same. My rings came from my mother's grandmother and had been carefully preserved for a future daughter of the family. Patty's were from her father's mother. We were encouraged to put them on each other's fingers, but cautioned about doing the get-on-the-knee bit in public. There were people who just might get upset. Momma had talked to Wendy to get our ring sizes, then called Patty's Mom so the rings would fit us. I still haven't a clue how Wendy knew our ring sizes, life has its mysteries.

We both started crying and had to powder our noses in a hurry. This time I couldn't evade being in the lady's room with Momma because she had been sniffling too. Momma was impressed at how quickly I repaired my makeup, but by then it was second nature to me. No respectable woman in 1977 would appear with her face undone, not in a major store like AM&A.

I was shy about trying on dresses with both my Momma and Patty's mother watching, but after several changes of clothes I gave up on modesty and just let them help take one off and put another on. When it came to selecting the right bra and such, I just gave up and let them see my breast forms. I mean, how could I hide them? I had to do something with them while I was changing bras.

I was really glad we had left Pops at home.

I suppose I should count myself lucky that we found something acceptable to all at AM&As and didn't have to wander from store to store until we needed a travel agent and week-long bus passes in our quest. We both counted ourselves lucky that the mothers picked up the tab.

The only thing remaining for us was to wave our ring fingers in front of every one of our friends as we invited them to the wedding. I hope Charlie was ready for us.
 

The next day, when I asked Charlie and Maude if their offer was still open for a week from Sunday you would have thought the two of them had invented the institution of marriage all by themselves. Maude started designing the cake with her eyes closed as Charlie got what details we could give him.

Even warning him that the mothers-of-the-brides would be descending on him that afternoon didn't dim his enthusiasm. Next door at the salon we were commanded to show up hours before the wedding to be sure we were perfect in mind and body. No excuses accepted!

This getting married was strenuous!
 

To tell the truth, our two future mothers-in-law got on famously. I had several calls from Pops wondering if I knew where his wife had gotten to over the next few days. That seems funny in these days of cell phones and instant communication, but this was long before spammers could disturb you wherever you happened to be.

With the Moms on the job and the salon ladies in full festival mode, we didn't have to do much except watch the tube and gossip with our roommates. I, for one, was happy to cede control. Is that too much like a man's attitude?
 

The day arrived. Although the wedding was at 1 PM we were commanded to arrive at the salon by 8 AM, along with both mothers and our bridesmaids, Wendy and Jenny. Actually, we flipped a coin to decide which bride got which bridesmaid. I got Wendy and Patty got Jenny, not that it mattered all that much.

Our coworkers and friends swarmed around us like a hive of demented bees, performing a dance every bit as intricate as the one the bees use to tell their fellow workers where to find the pollen. Ingrid again marched me into the torture chamber and proceeded to flay me in perpetration for the nuptials. Before my anguished screams had faded from the room I was dragged out and tied to a chair, only to be replaced by the next victim.

Even though I had been working in the place for months, they found new and sadistic treatments that any bride absolutely must have to be prepared. It was decided that I should be a Farrah Fawcett Majors clone as I walked down the aisle, as she was very popular at the time. My hair was scrubbed, conditioned, curled sprayed and otherwise coerced into those flying wing kind of curls she wore back then. Actually, I liked it when they got done, not that I had any choice in the matter.

It was getting close to noon and we needed a light lunch, but Charlie and Maude were much too busy preparing the wedding feast. What else could we do but introduce Patty's Mom to chicken wings from the Anchor Bar? It was a good thing that the salon was well stocked with plastic aprons and capes.

Amazingly, everybody was ready by 12:30, including all the busy little bees who had turned out such wonderful work. We must have made quite as sight walking the block to the restaurant in all our finery. Even the weatherman cooperated with a clear, warm sunny day.

The wedding went off without a single hitch. The bridesmaids went down the center, both brides were escorted by their fathers, and then we threw everyone a curve. Jenny stepped forward, opened up a Bible and said those familiar words "Dearly beloved…"

If you've been reading this far, you didn't expect that anything would be normal at our wedding, did you? So she read the words, we said I do and we kissed the brides. The funny thing was, maybe half the people thought this was a lesbian faux-wedding and half knew that it was a real, legal wedding, only the names had been changed to protect the guilty.

I wish this were one of those stories that could include the personal and moving vows we made to each other, but that didn't happen. In that time and place the idea of writing your own vows was just not done. Maybe if my namesake had actually made it to California and gotten hitched there she would have written her own, but this was Buffalo in 1977. I did offer up a little prayer to her spirit in thanks for her gift of her name, I really hope she's happy wherever she is.

We didn't have a band or dancing, but we did have friends to talk to and it was a very pleasant afternoon. I actually got some time with Patty's father and he treated me like the lady I have become. He was very encouraging when I told him I was starting college in a few weeks, obviously a professor knows the value of an education.

The time came to depart, so we got out the door and who should be standing there but Mike The Cop. Really. He had been transferred a while ago but was back to see friends in the neighborhood. When he saw the 'Closed For Private Party' sign he was curious and couldn't believe his eyes when he saw who were the brides.

Lesbian weddings were not very well known back then and he was one confused cop. When we saw him, both Patty and I gave him a big kiss - right on the mouth, of course - and left him to wonder. I never got the chance to find out if he was upset because I dumped him for another woman.

With Mike the Cop looking like a fish out of water, we got into Pops' car, which he was loaning us for a couple of days, and headed out to Niagara Falls. Or at least we started to. Some joker had tied tin cans on the back end. When Patty and I got done laughing she jumped out and untied them and this time we got away.
 

So that's the story of how I became the woman I am today. I spent the next two years learning to be a court reporter and found that Liza liked being a student just as much as Vito hated being one. Every once in a while I think back and wonder just what would have happened to that little punk Vito if I hadn't come along. Vito was surrounded by criminals and punks, and those were the people he emulated. Eliza was surrounded with intelligent, caring, hardworking women, and that's who Eliza emulated. It was hard work catching up to the original Eliza in college, but the new Eliza was determined and had loads of support.

When I graduated both my folks and Patty's folks were there to celebrate and I started my career as a court reporter. I even had to report on a couple of distant relatives. Of course ethics would have made me find someone else to do the job if it was someone I really knew, but with my large family there's always a chance we will meet under less than optimal circumstances.

About a month after I graduated I came home to find a important looking envelope in the mail from a law firm in Pennsylvania. Was someone trying to recruit me? When I opened it I couldn't believe what I was reading. The lawyers were the ones handling the estate of Eliza Mae Hawkins' grandparents, who had passed away some years ago. Was I the same Eliza Mae Hawkins?

Their estate had been liquidated and the proceeds placed in escrow pending identification of the heir. They had been searching for Eliza Mae but had no luck until my name appeared on some official list when I became a court reporter. If I was the right Eliza Mae, I needed to get in contact with them before the money was forfeited to the State.

Was this real? Was it some kind of crazy scam where I needed to put up earnest money in order to get the big prize? (That was one of cousin Shelly's favorite scams. She could be very convincing.) I handed the letter to Patty and she starts getting very excited and says we need to ask Jenny about it.

So we wait for Jenny to get home, all excited. Jenny says it looks like it might be real, but she'll ask her lawyers to check these guys out tomorrow.

She did check and it was real. That left us with a big question: was it right for me to take the money? See how disgustingly respectable I had become?

We finally decided that if the original Eliza Mae wasn't around to get the money then we sure didn't want the State to get it, so I sprung for a long distance call at daytime rates and talked to the lawyers. If it all worked out we could even pay next month's phone bill with the money.

Which is how Patty and I suddenly became middle class people. Farming may not be the most lucrative way to make a living, but the dairy farm was worth a pretty penny. I paid off the rest of my school loans and suddenly we didn't have to worry about money any more. That's a nice feeling.

Patty was able to start her own salon, one of her biggest dreams. It also paid for my implants, no more having to fool around with falsies. I don't know who appreciated that more, me or Patty.

I don't really know if there is anything after this life, but if there is I intend to register a formal complaint when I get there. Why did whoever designed our bodies deprive men of the joy and satisfaction of having breasts? Did some celestial architect have a grudge against males that men would never know just how wonderful breasts are without a surgeon or an endocrinologist intervening? Playing with your lover's breasts is certainly satisfying, but it just isn't the same. That lack is just plain nasty and they need to change the design before another generation of men are deprived.

OK, end of rant.

Even though we could afford to move, we stayed in the apartment - it was convenient to our jobs and the rent was pretty decent. Besides, we liked our roommates. That didn't last too long, however, Wendy and her guy decided they were going to get married and suddenly Patty and I were bridesmaids instead of brides.

With one room open and no money worries, Patty and I decided we should try to make us a new roommate, who arrived about ten months after Wendy left. Patty's salon was doing very well and she had an assistant who kept things going while she nursed the baby, so everybody was happy.

By this time Jenny was serious about her guy and we were once again bridesmaids. We filled her room pretty easily. Then we kept at it and had a third. Our first was getting ready for school so we finally made the move to suburbia so our kids could get a decent education.

PTA meetings were sometimes interesting with two mothers attending, that kind of thing was pretty odd back then. We told everyone that Patty's no-good husband Vito had taken off and left her with the kids, with no explanation of how he happened to keep coming back to get her pregnant again. That made me the good friend helping her out with her brood. It was a pretty good story once we polished it up and told it a few times. By the time the statute of limitations was up, we didn't think it was worth the effort to try and change anything so we let the story stand.

The kids all called us both Mom, which still tickles my heart, and as they got older their friends called us both Mom as well.

When the Supreme Court finally made gay marriage legal Patty divorced her no-good, long-lost husband Vito. By an amazing coincidence the guy just happened to be in town the day the papers were served. He didn't contest the divorce and signed the papers even if it was hard for him to remember what his signature looked like.

Patty and I got married quietly with Jenny doing the deed once again. We were married in Jenny's living room one evening with her husband and a neighbor acting as witnesses. She had a hard time keeping a straight face and her husband and the neighbors didn't believe a word of how it really was between us.

That's how life is sometimes. A naive guy start out to rob a bank and ends up a bride. Along the way I learned far more than I could in any school. I learned the power of love, trust, generosity and friendship. Perhaps even honesty.

I would not be the woman I am without my three roommates trusting the confused kid who invaded their apartment without the slightest reason to do so. I would not be the woman I am without the love of my wife Patty. We could not have been married and found joy together without the generosity and friendship of all the people I had met as I learned to be a woman.

Perhaps the greatest lesson was that honesty can be a reason to live life to the full for no other reason than it works. That's true even if you come from a background where honesty isn't all that valuable a commodity. Which sounds strange coming from a woman who is living a life stolen from a confused girl who managed to lose hers.

As you can tell, I didn't give up the 'increase your vocabulary' columns and studied hard in English so I could speak properly and clearly.

Patty and I are retired these days after satisfying careers. When the local government went through it's last cycle of ineffective "cost cutting" they made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Considering where I came from, that's a thoroughly ironic phrase. So at age 59 1/2 (at least according to my birth certificate) I retired and Patty sold her shop and we go traveling and just enjoy life without the hassle of having to go to work.

As a skilled court reporter I lived through many changes as the technology advanced. I even spent a few years teaching at my old school, bringing new kids up to speed on how things are done in court these days.

Now we have two grandkids with a third on the way, and not a one of them will be appearing on the wrong side of the bar in a courtroom.