Part 15 of 29

Thursday, August 15, 2013
Had another session with Audrey today. No tears and heavy stuff this time, but more "What do I do from here?" Somehow when I talk to Audrey I have to get things straight in my mind so I can tell her about them. She knows the right question to ask when I run dry and she's helping me.

My blood work came back and I appear to be normal. Hah! Well, I do have low testosterone, low normal, but low. Audrey says I may appreciate that when I get older because I may not go bald. Testosterone is what gives men erections and muscles and such, but it is also one of the reasons men go bald if they have too much of it. I guess if I can get an erection for Mary Ann I must have enough of it to get by.

Today we talked about the physical side of staying Angel the Woman. The low testosterone might be why I don't have to shave so much. It could start to happen one of these days, though. She gave me the name of an electrologist to consult, but warned me not to do anything permanent quite yet. Strictly to learn what was involved so I could make an informed choice.

She asked and it seems that male puberty has been very kind to me. My voice didn't change all that much and I didn't end up with bulging muscles. Thanks to my Hispanic heritage I have a face that doesn't scream 'male' or 'female.' With long hair, some jewelry and a little makeup I do look like a girl. I got told that innumerable times in high school by the jocks, but since I didn't want to be a jock I just ignored it. The friends I had just didn't care.

I asked but no, she wouldn't consider referring me to anyone for real breasts.

One Day At A Time.

Then there's the problem of attending school as Angel the Woman. I wasn't worried about the bathrooms because I have been using the lady's room for some time now and no one has figured out I wasn't qualified to use the place. The problem was gym class. You have to take gym class and I wasn't going to be able to pull that off!

So she pulls this riff on me. She asks if I've ever seen the Wizard of Oz, and I say "Who hasn't." So she starts doing the Wizard bit.

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. As for you, my genderized friend, you want some breasts. You don't know how lucky you are not to have them. What you have is a brain, and you are headed for a university, a seat of great learning, where women go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts with no more brains than you have. So to get your diploma you will need a letter!"

She stared at me, inviting the question. So I obliged her.

"A letter?"

"A letter stating I am treating you for gender dysphoria and they had better treat you as a woman and make accommodation for your diagnosis or I'll send the Wicked Witch of Publicity after them unless they let you substitute basket weaving for field hockey or some such. Lets you use the lady's room without worrying about it, too."

"I already do that."

"Yes, but you can't go home to Kansas again and this will help. Believe me, somewhere along the line someone will ask some awkward questions. Best to be prepared for them. When you get to the college admissions department ask for Gail Savoy. She's familiar with the issues involved and will help you out."

"Yes, oh great and wonderful Wizard!"

"Good, that's settled. Remember, no permanent changes in your body until you have a good deal more time living as a woman. No drugs, no hormones, no surgery.

"I don't want to be crass," she continued, "but we need to talk about money. I want you to keep seeing me on a regular basis and I would assume your father will try to remove you from his health insurance. I don't think he can do it, but you never know. That shouldn't be too much of a problem because I do work at the college and can continue to see you on a routine basis as a student without bankrupting you.

"Should this progress to making some fundamental changes in your body it probably wouldn't be covered by insurance anyway, so that is not an immediate concern. I want to warn you that just about everything connected with any form of transition is going to run into large sums of money. We'll talk about that when the time comes, if it ever does. For now I think you will be content to be Angel the Girl for some time to come, but that's up to you. Just be honest with me and we will deal with the issues as they come up."

"Wouldn't it be easier for the Wizard to wave a magic wand and do away with all the complications of reality?"

"Like I said before - 'Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.' Find me a wizard and I'll consult with him, otherwise, come see me in another two weeks unless something drastic happens. Meantime, just enjoy being a girl."

I fully intended to follow her advice.
 

Friday, August 16
I took the day off from the library, but it wasn't any vacation. I spent the whole day on the phone or at the computer or wandering around the community college. Calling my high school for a transcript, changing my FAFSA so I am an independent student, even calling my old doctor to prove I have a meningitis vaccination. Bureaucracy at it's slowest!

I spent the rest of my time wandering from office to office at the community college, trying to register at the last minute. Gail was as nice as Audrey said she would be. She read the letter and gave me an appraising look, then matter of factly gave me the rundown on the school's policy for transgendered students. Seems I wasn't the first to go there. Everything's tentative but I am now a Liberal Arts major, or will be when the proper paperwork arrives. They didn't have a History major, which is where I eventually want to go, but I was planning to do my first two years at a community college before transferring, so that is fine.

It would be nicer to go to the same school with Mary Ann, but there's no way I'm going to get into the University in time. It wasn't that long ago that I was worrying about being miles away from Mary Ann and now I'm carping because we are living together but going to different schools. Some people just can't be satisfied.
 

Saturday, August 17
We went ring shopping today. Engagement ring shopping, that is. With the crisis after I had said 'yes' we hadn't had time to look for a ring, but today we made time.

I hadn't considered what would happen when two women went shopping for an engagement ring. The reactions were interesting, some stores took it as an opportunity to sell two rings (which we couldn't afford), some just showed us what they had and one of them was snotty as hell. They didn't get our business.

Mary Ann likes emeralds so we didn't look for diamonds, much to the merchant's dismay. We tramped all over and would you believe we found the ring at Sears? Don't tell anybody, it just doesn't sound right to get your engagement ring from a chain store.

It is a pretty ring, though. It has to be sized, so we have to wait until it's ready on Thursday. To make up for it we bought matching sets of earrings. I hadn't realized how much fun it is to have pierced ears. Not only do I get to pick out a bra and panty in some nice color each morning, but I get to decide which earrings to wear. I just didn't know what Angel the Boy was missing.

Glad I found out.
 

Sunday, August 18
Mom called today. When I heard her voice I started crying again.

What is it with all the crying? I didn't used to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't think it's the 'boys don't cry' thing, not really. In talking with Audrey I have realized that I had been hiding a lot of my emotions from myself. As I have grown to question my Dad's rigid views of the world I have had to hide that questioning from him and my family.

Being disowned pretty much proves I was right to be hiding my questions, but now that it is out in the open I am starting to deal with my emotions. Is that feminine? I really hope it isn't. It ought to be just plain human.

Talking to Mom was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I wanted to hear her voice, to try and explain what had happened to me, to tell her I loved her. Funny thing was, she wanted to do the same thing. I tried as best as I could, but I know she didn't really understand. I told her about our transgender project for the library and gave her the titles of a couple of books she could read. She wasn't sure that she could do it until Dad calmed down.

"He's hurting Angel, but he won't admit it. I can't talk to him right now, he won't listen. I tried to get him to talk to Rev. Tally but he won't go, he's too embarrassed to let anyone know about you."

"I'm sorry Mom. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just found out I needed something that I didn't have to be a whole person."

"I... I hope you find what you need, Angel. I love you and your Dad does too. Someday he'll realize that."

We talked more, I told her about school and staying with Grandpa, all the little things in life. When I was able to get past the strain it was lovely to have a mother-daughter talk. It was kind of like the way we talked before, but there was a difference, at least for me.

I wasn't even embarrassed when she asked about my breast forms, although talking with my mother about stuffing my bra has to be one of the strangest things I have ever done. She couldn't figure out how I was able to look like I had breasts. Mom is a little naive.
 

Monday, August 19
The last week of internship has arrived. Funny how it seems like I've been here forever. Chuck is going off to Berkeley, Beth to Buffalo State and Mary Ann and I are staying here. Nothing much has changed, I still want to invent that book shelving machine. Maybe I should go into engineering instead of history. Nah, I hate math. Is that why I feel so happy as a woman. Is that sexist to ask?

Who cares?

The display on the Triangle Fire is just about done, with four of us it went a lot faster. There are plenty of books in our holdings and even some original materials like contemporary papers on Microfilm. The project has grown and now includes more material on the Union movement in general. Grandpa has taken an interest in the project and has that look like something big is hatching in his brain.

He won't tell us what it is, though.

We're planning a party on Thursday for one last lunch together. For some strange reason known to those sitting at some desk in a deep, dark corner of the library the internship ends Thursday, not Friday. So all the people who can get away will be joining us for lunch, including Grandpa.

It used to be that I was hoping that day wouldn't come because it meant the end of Angel the Girl. Angel the Woman took care of that and even through all the hurt I'm glad that I can stay what I've become. Who knows what it will be like in the future, but for now it's the right thing to do.
 

Wednesday, August 21
Only one more day until the ring is ready. In one way I'm happy that it won't come until after the internship because it would require a whole lot of explanation of who Mary Ann is engaged to. Since Grandpa still works at the library that might yet prove embarrassing. Not that Grandpa would care, but why make life more complicated than it is already?

But I really wish I could see their faces when they saw the ring.
 

Thursday, August 22
The lunch was great, everyone had a fine time and I got a small case of the sniffles. I got hugged by more men in that hour than have hugged me in the entire rest of my life. For that matter I hugged more women than I have in the entire rest of my life. I'm going to miss them all.

Grandpa revealed his surprise at the lunch. The Liar's Club is supposed to be marching in the Labor day Parade and he has decided that the story of the Triangle Fire would make a very fitting theme. Since most of the victims were young, his idea is to have us dress up in period costume and play the part. He and his cronies (and Chuck) will dress as the Robber Barons who owned the factory. The material we collected for the display will be adapted and we will hand it out along the parade route. He called it hiding education behind theater.

I had to ask why the Liar's Club was involved. Why, the Club was all about telling a good story. Just because the story happened to be true made no difference. Besides, all of his stories were the absolute truth anyway.

How could we resist?

I could hardly wait for the day to end so we could get the ring. We had agreed to keep it in its box until we could bring it home and show Grandpa and Eve when I put it on her hand. Kind of silly, but it felt right.

We got home and invited Grandpa and Eve into the living room and I knelt down and put the ring on her finger. It didn't matter if I was wearing a skirt when I did it, some things you should do in the traditional way. The emerald gleamed in the light from the big bay window.

Then I got a surprise. Mary Ann opened her purse and took out a small, velvet covered box. With a huge grin she knelt in front of me and put an engagement ring on my finger. Grandpa was beaming with a 20,000 watt smile on his face.

"Angel, I gave that ring to Sylvia more years ago than I want to remember, and she wore it until she passed on. I had planned to have one of my grandsons give it to their lady, but it seems very right that you should wear it now. When people say things like 'she would have approved' it's usually a load of crap, but I think some of Sylvia's spirit has settled in your being, as silly as that sounds."

What could I do? I kissed him, and Eve and Mary Ann and I would have kissed anybody walking down the street if I had the chance.

"It fits!" was all I could say.

"Of course," Mary Ann replied. "Why do you think I had I had them measure your finger when we were finding my ring?"

"Grandpa, how can I marry someone as devious as she is?"

"You normally do it by saying 'I Do' when the right person asks you."

"I'm glad you cleared that up. I guess it's OK to marry you then, lover."

"Whew!" I've never seen a more theatrical sigh than my darling gave me. "I was afraid I was going to have to trick you into getting matching wedding dresses. Now we can just go shopping together."

But the theatrics weren't over yet. We started to sit down but we were startled to see Grandpa kneel in front of Eve.

"Eve, my darling, I'm afraid this old coot has had to have his grandchildren remind him about just what love really is. It's not just about two people, but it includes family and the whole community. I can never forget Sylvia but I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and telling the entire world we are in love?"

"Earle!"

"Yes, darling?"

"Earle, that's my line, you old coot. Yes, darling, of course I'll marry you, if only to watch the faces of your friends who you told you would never marry again. You may have to resign as President of the Liar's Club."

"What difference would it make? You're next in line, anyway."

He reached in his pocket and pulled out the evening's third little velvet covered box. "I hope you don't mind me choosing this ring without you, but I think I know your tastes well enough by now to please you."

He handed her the box and she opened it. Of course we all had to admire the ring as he placed it on her finger.

"Earle, you may pretend to be an old curmudgeon but you are a sentimental old fool." She held up her hand to the light. "It's a good thing I love sentimental old fools. I just wish I had a surprise to pull on you, but I think there have been enough for one night. I want to go to bed and celebrate our engagement."

"I knew I was going to marry a practical woman. Good night, children."

They left. So what else could we do but go to bed and celebrate ourselves?
 

Friday, August 23
The paperwork is done, I'm an official student and have my courses lined up. One week of vacation and then school starts. The only problem I see is that I'm going to have to dress down when I go or I'm going to stand out. I didn't see very many women in skirts when I visited the campus, but there are still a few who wear them. I guess I'm going to have to do a balancing act between my love of skirts and normal women's love of slacks. After dressing as a young professional all summer it's going to be quite a change.

One thing for sure, I'm going to stay away from jeans, I'll be damned if I'm going to wear that padded panty all day. It's fun on special occasions, but not every day. I think I look pretty good in a T-shirt and skirt, and I don't intend to bare my belly button even if I like to look at girls who do. I hope it gets cool sooner than normal, I like wearing shorts but Angel the Woman isn't so good looking in them. My lack of hips is all too obvious.

After the paperwork runaround at school we went to a movie to celebrate our vacation, and I'm going to stop writing now since Mary Ann wants to do some celebrating in bed.

Bye!