The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3247 by Angharad Copyright© 2020 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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For my good friend, AG who likes to read this in bed (still no one is perfect!).

After seeing the hedgehogs, I decided to revisit a book I'd got a year or two ago, part of the excellent New Naturalists' series published by William Collins. The book simply termed Hedgehogs by Pat Morris showed a photo of hedgehogs mating. The female flattens her spines to enable the male to mount her and if they are all as well endowed as the male in the photo, I'm glad I'm not a hedgehog - hung like a horse doesn't come close to it. I don't have a fixation with male genitals honestly, but it seems certain species do have record setting genitalia, the yellow necked mouse having a large scrotum, barnacles have the longest penises in direct proportion to their overall size and now we have hedgehog stallions - it's enough to make a girl dizzy.

I'm more familiar with Dr Pat Morris for his dormouse studies, he was one of the original researchers in this country which it appears he only did because he couldn't get funding to do hedgehogs. He's retired now but used to teach at Royal Holloway College which is part of London University and is a regular attendee of dormouse conferences.

Danni came into my study while I was perusing the book and asked me what I was reading. I showed it to her and she asked if she could borrow it. She knows she has to return any of my books once she's finished with them, so I handed it to her. She flicked through it and said, "I think I could get quite interested in hedgehogs, they are quite cuddly, aren't they?"

"That's not the adjective I'd use to describe them, but then I have handled a few of them in my time."

She looked at me wondering what I was on about, then the penny dropped and she gave me an, "Oops, perhaps not that cuddly." This was accompanied by a rather fetching blush and shrug.

"Wotcher doin'?" asked the brain poking her head round the door.

"Talking about hedgehogs, why?" asked Danni.

"Oh, that all?" responded the pygmy genius.

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Didn't know you were interested in hedgehogs, seeing as they don't wear designer clothes or makeup or drive expensive motors."

"Well I am, so there. I'm not just into material things ya know."

"Coulda fooled me," Trish retorted and left us with Danni glowing rather red and looking equally irritated.

"One of these days..." said the elder sibling.

"Don't take any notice of her, she's just teasing."

"Yeah I suppose so, but seeing as soccer is finished, or rather I'm finished with soccer, I'm possibly looking into doing something else with my life and I quite like the sort of things you do, Mum, chasing dormice and things. Maybe I'll study animals for a career."

"Well there's loads of options, do a natural science degree, biology, zoology, ecology and so on, or environmental science is another possible path, even veterinary science is possible but that is a long course of study, like medicine."

"Ugh no, they spend half their time putting things to sleep, don't wanna do that; nah, chasing dormice or watching hedgehogs looks like much more fun."

"Well whatever you want to do, just study well and get good exam results and you really then have a better chance to choose where and what you want to study."

"I'm hardly likely to be head hunted by Cambridge like 'our robot', am I?"

"No perhaps not, but then neither was I and I like to think I've done reasonably well for myself."

She put the book down on my desk and hugged me, "Mum, you have done incredibly well for, you know..."

"You know?" I queried.

"Well, you know, being so old and things," she squeezed me and disappeared in an echo of giggles clutching the hedgehog book as she went. Sometimes I wonder about many things but the fun we have as a family, where the children feel safe enough to tease me gently and where I can do the same shows, I hope, that we have a loving environment so may be doing a few things right. Also possibly one of my offspring is interested in following in my footsteps and I suspect that if she gets reasonable A-level grades, that Sussex may be interested in taking her, possibly if I dropped a word in the right place - or is that verging on nepotism? I hope not, and if she got good results, surely that would be the important thing. I decided it was and went off to start getting them ready for bed.

"That girl pleasantly surprises me from time to time," I said sitting with Simon in the lounge and sipping a dry white wine.

"Which one would that be?"

"Danni of course."

"Of course, I mean it's only pick one from ten." He sighed and rolled his eyes - multi-tasking? Or as near as he gets to it.

"Yeah okay, point taken."

"What about her, Danni, that is?"

"She's gone off with my hedgehog book..."

"Want me to get it back from her?"

"No, I loaned it to her because she wanted to read it."

"Oh, what does she want to read that for, it's hardly Cosmo or Vogue, is it?"

"She's having a think about her career options."

"Yeah, but being a hedgehog isn't one of them - is it?" He looked horrified.

"Nah, I can only turn boys into toads."

"Or girls," he said quietly then blushed when I glowered at him. "Sorry, I didn't mean that as it might have sounded."

"How was it meant to sound then?"

"It was just a knee jerk, sorry."

It hurt because I hadn't really turned any of them into anything but nice young women from rough and ready sow's ears. "I will only accept being a factor in Danni's conversion by making her wear female clothing for the month, circumstances did the rest with some help from Pia."

"What happened to her? Our friendly eunuch."

"Si, that is a bit uncalled for."

"Well she's hardly a female like our lot is she?"

He had a point but I did see that night she came to see Danni and she looked a bit more presentable, though what sort of surgery could be done to create some sort of facsimile to a female pudenda, I hate to think. I'm sure something could be done but that isn't my problem, I have enough of my own without worrying about other people's kids.

"I think she's trying a bit harder to appear female these days."

"How d'you know that?"

"Danni has met up with her sister, Carly, occasionally."

"Not sure I feel happy with ours having any sort of contact with their family."

"Come off it, Si, you can't penalise a sister for what her brother did, she wasn't involved, was she? Talk about give a dog a bad name..."

"Oh, all right," he conceded and poured himself some more wine. I declined his offer of another glass, I'd have to get up in the night if I did. My bladder isn't what it was and I suspect the slight repositioning during surgery doesn't help. "Just don't let them get us involved with that little weirdo."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well you're an innate do-gooder." He offered me and I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or a criticism. "The good Samaritan would look like a miser compared to you."

"Very funny, not." I replied. "To start with the Good Samaritan was a parable, a story or allegory, I'm real."

"Yeah, I was using it as an allegory."

"Oh well that's okay then."

"Why what difference does it make?"

"None I suppose but you're always describing me in far better terms than I deserve."

"So does a certain paediatric consultant, who thinks you really are an angel."

"I think he just likes to keep me on side in case I have to raise one of his failures, you know what they say, good doctors don't bury their mistakes - they send for me."

Simon chuckled and finished his wine but I persuaded him not to finish the bottle suggesting he leave it for David to cook with tomorrow. Sometimes he's hard work to train but tonight he seemed in a mellow mood. Now all I needed to do was find out why.