I’m in the car riding in the back seat with Staci, with Mr. Miller watching us in the mirror. Staci whispers, “I bet my Dad doesn’t know you’re wearing a camis. Is it your sister’s?”

I’m shocked and look up to the mirror glad he wasn’t looking at that moment. “Why are you so quiet back there,” her mother asks? “Staci, what are you whispering about?”

I’m holding my breath, worried about what she might say. Sarah speaks up, “Staci says she can still see a little of Stephanie in Steven. I think he’s worried our Dad is going to be angry.”

She asks, “Mom, would it be okay if I polish his nails before they go home tonight?”

“You can’t, we have Christmas with my family tomorrow morning and dinner at noon. Your mom has invited me to be here with Staci and your family’s Christmas.”

Sarah teases her father, “Dad, you would mind if Steve’s a girly-boy when he comes over tomorrow?”

Dad didn’t hear it all as there was a distraction as he drove. He responded, “Whatever you want Staci within reason. It will be good to have your boyfriend over.”

His wife Julie says, “Paul what are you saying, you don’t mind how Steven presents himself tomorrow?”

“It’s still going to be Steven isn’t it; please let me drive the streets are slick. I need to concentrate.”

“Don’t worry Mom; I want it to be Steven tomorrow. Though if Sarah can do some of her fancy work on his fingernails; I wouldn’t mind that. I even think Grams would see that as cute in a way.”

Once back at their house, Sarah took hold of me and ran up to her room. There she gave me red and green fingernails with white French tips. It looks more festive for the holiday than feminine. Neither Mom nor the Millers complained. As we’re leaving Sarah came over and whispers to me. I hope tomorrow there will be a little of Stephanie under your slacks and shirt. But I’m warning you not to wear a white blouse with a bright green or red camis underneath it.”

I told the two sisters, “I’m going to come tomorrow purely as Steven for you Staci.”

Sarah says, “I am sure she already likes the way Steph is hiding underneath your clothes. And I hope you won’t take off your nail polish.”

We were soon home and I got ready for bed. I went down to say goodnight to my Mom and she handed me a gift, “I thought you might rather I give this to you before your grandparents open gifts with us tomorrow.” I open it and it is a pair of satin teddy bear pajamas.

I kiss her and in Steph’s voice say, “Thanks, Mommy.” I go back, take a shower, and change into my satin pajamas.

Come Christmas morning, I’m up early because I got used to it as Steph. I am soon down getting a cup of tea and a piece of sweet bread with mom. I’m still down there at 8:30 when Grams knocks on the door and comes walking in. Mom says, “I thought you didn’t want her to see you like that?”

Grams was there watching me as I ran for my bedroom, that is instead of offering to help Gramps with the packages. I’m quick to get out of the teddies and pulled out my underwear. Unfortunately, I didn’t expect my panties to be on top, nor Heidi’s old camis. I have them both on and I’m pulling my jeans on when Grams knocks and enters the room. With a smile, she asks as she sits, “How is my young granddaughter doing?”

“I’m sorry Grams, it was a funny joke that got out of hand.”

“You don’t appear like you’re hurt by it. You know, most boys would be furious. Come here and let me hug you before you finish getting dressed and cover everything up.” Grams sees my nails and the studs in my ears. I was happy that she got up and left my room without saying anything more.

Gramps joked about my fingernails as I gave him a handshake. He says, “It looks like you’re learning early that a girl can get you to do strange things.” He smiles, “When I was growing up a boy could get beat up for something like that.”

I say, “They still can Gramps.”

My first present from my grandparents is a slim pair of jeans. After Grams asked me to try them on. Grandpa says, “Boy, you’re so thin and with those fingernails, you could be a younger version of Elle.” Elle and Heidi are both coming back into the room with new outfits on. Grams has very good taste for a grandma.

Grandma asks Elle, “Your Gramps thinks Steven could look like a younger you do you in the slim jeans I gave him, do you think he does?”

Elle smiles, “Yes, sometimes like now, I can see Stephanie move than Steve. I am sure his girlfriend Staci thinks it too. That’s why his fingernails got painted for Christmas.”

After the presents were opened Grams ordered me to her side and I could tell something changed. “Hold out your right hand Steven; palm side down!” I smelled a strange odor and before I realized what it was it was too late. Grams had two fingernails and then a third wet with the nail polish remover and a cotton ball.

“Grams, what are you doing. I was going to wear them over to my girlfriend’s house this afternoon.”

She smiled, “You’re a good looking young man Steven. Surely you don’t want to be seen as more girly than she is. I love your fine features but we do not want you to look like a girl now, do we?” I wondered, who the ‘we’ were? Mom was surprised when she came in to see the commotion, but wouldn’t say anything to her mom.

I was sure Mom was going to show her pictures of me on our shopping trip. That didn’t happen. Mom asked me to be quiet and be respectful for now to my grandma.

Christmas Day at home and with the Millers was quite nice, but I can’t say for me it was a Merry Christmas.

My appointment Tuesday with Dr. Spriggs did not quite go the way I was hoping. She told my mother, “I think we need a time for Steven to be staying as himself and that he needs to undergo counseling and some medical and psychological exams. If he’s really transgender that will become more obvious. If it does happen, we will be supportive of him. It is more likely that he was a guy exploring and pushing boundaries which it most usually is. The reality is that most of us are not purely male or female. Please read and study the difference between human sexuality and gender identity.”

I was allowed to dress as Stephanie on New Year’s Eve both my girlfriend Staci and Allison who knew of me were both happy to see me again. After they helped me change and do my makeup and hair, we were able to go out for a while as three girlfriends.

The other time was when Elle and I went on the Ellie Goulding concert trip. Each of the singers who won a contest got to sing their song and one of Goulding’s songs on the way up to the concert. The concert and trip helped me to solidify my resolve to not let go of myself as Stephanie.

My sister Elle informed me she knew I had been back into her closet. “You know Steph that Mom knows a little of what you’re doing. She told me two pieces of my clothing ended up in the laundry after I was back at college. She hopes you’re telling your counselor and not doing it too much.”

I ask, “Why doesn’t Mom say that to me?”

Elle, “She’s afraid you’ll begin to do it more. She’s supposed to be our Mom insisting we do what we’re told. As the doctor said, you’re to be spending this time purely as Steven.”

“I have been except for last weekend when Mom was out.”

“That’s not quite true Stephanie. I could tell most of your skirts and dresses have been worn again, or am I wrong?”

We were on our way up to the concert and I say, “Shush, I don’t want the others to hear.”

A girl sitting behind us was listening in, “It’s not like any of us here are going to mind you’re a Tgirl. If you want, at the concert I can be like your girlfriend. My girl couldn’t come.”

Hearing the live concert of Ellie Goulding is like a rocking thunderstorm with colored lights instead of lightning and her voice as the rain. It’s extra nice as we go backstage after the concert to see her hoping for autographs. I like how she’s in such good shape, watching her body move in a fluid motion. She asks, “Who has the music for their song?”

Amy, the girl seeing me as a girlfriend offers me. “She has, she sings Taylor Swift’s, ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’. Ellie even sang with me once I’m halfway through it. It is like we’re across from one another singing sharing the same microphone. She knows I’m mesmerized as we sing together. I hug her as we finish the song and then realize I probably shouldn’t have.

Ellie says, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you’re not a woman.” She holds me there; “It’s not obvious, someone told me I should hear you. They said you haven’t been back to their place.” She gives me two of her CDs and signs one of the discs.

We’re to this hotel to sleep until the early morning but my sister and I stay in the lounge visiting with others. We choose to sleep on the bus after breakfast, on the way home.

It was several weeks later my Mom and Dr. Spriggs confront me. “We needed to pressure you to be Steven and see how you handled things.” Dr. Spriggs, “I really do want to encourage you to remain as Steve until your spring or holiday break. If you feel as strongly then about Stephanie; we will consider you having times you can come to the university or go singing as Stephanie. It will be a full five months maybe six before we’ll think about Stephanie having a twenty-four-seven experience. Is that fair enough?” It really wasn’t a question but a statement about how it was to be.

My sister Elle had already invited me to go with her during spring break. I said yes to Mom and Dr. Spriggs, but I fully intend to be Stephanie most of the time during spring break.

The following week I begin attending sessions with Brianna and Hope again at the university. It was the week after that that Allie Ottoman came with me. I had gone to Allie’s after school and changed to be Steph. Her mom took us to the university and picked us up as well. The next week I went here to the group program then would travel to Elle’s college on a campus visit. Our school and hers both start spring break that Friday.

It’s humorous to me as I had wanted to go for a special college day with Elle, but they only had opportunities for sisters or nieces and female cousins. The women in Elle’s living complex had to sign-off for me to be there as Stephanie a Tgirl. I got to visit with one of their Psychologists on Thursday morning, while Elle was at a lab class for environmental sciences.

Dr. Angela Stover met with me; I’m guessing she’s in her early thirties. She knows and respects Dr. Spriggs. She seemed quickly to identify that my desire to be Stephanie has been long-standing and deeply rooted in me. Angela encourages me not to wrestle about if I’m a Tgirl, “You should be stretching yourself to make sure you’re doing more than being a woman in the stereotypical ways.” She says, “You can be Steven and still be a Tgirl. Do you want to fully change including your body to be Stephanie full-time? Or to what extent do you need time to explore who you are?”

She, like the news mentioned this morning, said the gulf shore area where Elle usually goes was having traumatic storms. It was helpful; though I had not been wanting to hear it: “Dr. Spriggs has done you a good service in pressing you to have time as Steven.”

I had blood work drawn after breakfast and Dr. Angela asks, “Do you know how different your hormone levels are from the average high school males. You seem to have more aromatase activity that is not usual for a high school male. Your testosterone activity should be at or going towards its highest levels in your body at this time. While your estrogen and progesterone levels should be minimal. Actually, I’m not familiar with hearing about male progesterone or luteinizing hormone levels. I think of it as helping young women in triggering ovulation. I hope you’re not going to tell me you’ve had a period recently.”

The idea initially is gross to me. Angela tells me, “I don’t think any boy is going to want the cramps or bloating that many girls experience.”

I say, “But if it means someone like me was really a girl, I think we might count it worthwhile.” She told me, it was much more likely to mean that your blood sample somehow got contaminated or mixed up with someone else.”

When Elle got back to her apartment, she laughed at the thought of the mix-up with my blood sample. She said, “Whether it was contaminated or mixed up, it does not bode well with that clinic. I sure hope Planned Parenthood continues to be funded so I can continue to use it.”

She says, “There are two girls from our sorority house that want to take you on a tour of the house and campus yet this afternoon. They should be here shortly. They want you dressed so they can take you out.”

“But I thought we’re to be getting ready to leave early in the morning?”

Elle says, “I’m not wanting to go against two sisters’ request. Besides I thought you’d kind of enjoy being out with them.”

I check what I have out and haven’t already worn; a blueprint skater dress is jumping out at me. Steve’s mind is yelling no way. I am holding it up when Elle knocks and steps in. “I see you changed your mind and that you’re wanting to go out with them. …They called and said they should be here in five to ten minutes.”

“You might want to wear your sheer pair of leggings in case it gets cool out tonight.” They’re white and would set off my legs at night if the lights catch them. I try them on with the skater dress. While I’m uncomfortable about the possibility of guys looking at me, I am excited about how I look. I borrow Elle’s heels and I’m hurrying to do my makeup. Stormy, as she’s called, comes all the way in to where I’m doing my makeup.

You don’t need to get fancy for the tour, instead pack what you need in your purse and let’s get going. You can fancy up later in my room with me. That’s if you’re not afraid.” I can’t believe she’s saying that as she is a knockout. Her complexion is so even that it radiates beauty. We step out to Elle together and there’s Nancy Hamilton who looks to be statuesque blue blood. Stormy turns to me, “And you were jealous of me, now what do you have to say?”

“I can’t go anywhere with the two of you.”

Nancy says, “I have a dress you’ll want to be out in after I show you a surprise I have for you.” She wouldn’t even give me a hint about what that might be. It is two-thirty after we leave the sorority house. We’ve seen the main floor of two buildings; one with a mammoth lecture hall. I thought it was an auditorium at first. But then I remembered that was on the other side of the campus. The second building had a state of the art communication/computer hall that accommodates up to fifteen hundred people. The third building is where we meet Adrienne Storm an associate of Admissions. She welcomes me, “One it is so nice to meet you, your sister speaks well of you. I do not know if you know siblings of students here qualify for a special student rate as well as some other grant opportunities.

I think I saw over a dozen buildings as well as took two evaluation assessments for Ms. Strong. She told me she’d have one result that she’d soon send me. I wasn’t sure what soon meant.

Once we’ve seen ten more buildings, we’re back to Stormy and Nancy’s suite at the sorority house, and there is a message to call Elle or Mom. Afraid, it might be bad news; I call Elle, asking, “What happened?” I was expecting her to ask if I was sitting down and with someone.

“You’re being offered a Presidential scholarship to come to Northwestern’s Academy next year for their focused program one year and to be offered a Presidential Scholarship to attend Northwestern University beginning the following year. …Mom got the message fifteen minutes ago and she’s ecstatic for you if it is what you want.”

“She was taken back by the fact that you had met with Admissions as Stephanie. She asked if you were going on spring break with me as Steph.”

“I apologized to Mom, saying it was my idea.

“I think Mom is accepting of that. She said she knew you had been dressing as Stephanie. That it was the expected behavior from what Dr. Spriggs said if Steph is more you.”

Interrupting I ask, “Then why did they make me focus on being Steven?”

Elle sits me down, “You mean you really don’t know? Have Mom and I studied about this more than you?” I’m wondering what she’s talking about. I’m feeling more like a lab experiment.

“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just being me. I didn’t want to go against what the doctor said or what I agreed with Mom about being Steven.”

Elle smiles, “I’ve been reading a lot about you possibly being transgender. Some of the reading seems like I’m reading your story. Though it took some getting used to that you and I could both see some guys attractive.

She says, “Speaking of that I noticed you looking at someone that I thought was incredibly handsome as we went across campus this morning.”

I reply, “There was one, but what I liked, he seemingly didn’t see himself as anything special.”

Elle said, “He knows me and called to find out who you are. I told him we’d likely be going to the Wharf tonight. It’s a university hang-out.”

“You mean you set me up with a college guy. I bet you didn’t tell Mom that.” I shake my head, “I can’t believe you did that. Did you tell him I’m your little sister?”

I go over to Stormy’s room as she’s to redo my makeup. Stormy throws me a dress saying, “Try this on, it should be big enough that it will hug you nicely. Oh, Nancy has a surprise for you. ”

Nancy tells me I need to strip to my bra, and only then does she show me faux breasts noticeably larger than I’m wearing. She even has a solution to take off the forms I’m wearing. Once my chest is cleaned and dried. The new forms are quickly set in place and adhere to my chest. Nancy can blend the makeup for the seams so they are invisible.

Once I’ve changed and show Stormy the dress she gave to me. She kneels in front of me and goes under my skirt to pull down my pantyhose. “You look marvelous but the pantyhose is all wrong for this dress. I have a pair that will be much better.”

I was already trying to hold down my dress and stop what she was doing. Then I realized in her thinking she was not invading me, just helping. My hands relaxed though it was hard. I was being accepted as a girl into the world of women. When I tear, Stormy apologized. I said, “Please don’t apologize, your caring moved me, I am grateful.”

She said, “I heard Jake Higgins called to know who you are. He’s been much too shy for his own good. Others will want to know how you wooed him to speak up and call.”

I put on the pantyhose, she gave me. I hadn’t seen how the other pair looked, but I know enough that this pair compliments my legs and coloring better with this dress.

Nancy appreciated that I was moved by the difference and thankful to Stormy. She said, “You’re the little sister to our sister. That makes you our little sister. Would you consider our sorority if you come here?”

I say, “You don’t know what you’re asking?”

Nancy says, “Did you forget that we signed something accepting you to stay with us? If you did, wait until I get you up for a shower in the morning. The difference will only be out shown for your acceptance.” Nancy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I was worrying that we were late in getting out. Elle reminds me this is a college community, not high school, social life starts a bit later and lasts longer.

My notions of seeing Elle and Janice just as friends who went out together. Well, tonight it was me being challenged more to see Janice as my sister’s love.

I felt foolish that I had not realized that before. Here I am accepting who I am, and being accepted by others. But I’m actually having trouble accepting Elle being different from how I had seen her. She’s my big sister who I idolize. Truth is I’ll continue to look up to her. I knew she and Janice had a special friendship but had not realized they’re lovers.

Elle felt a need to tell me, “Mom already knows I’m a lesbian. I knew back as early as sixth grade. But even in high school, I went out with a few boys as Mom asked. I even went with Tim Owens to my prom”

I was going to tell you and Haley at Christmas, but then your identity crisis showed up and I waited.” We didn’t want you to have to deal with my being lesbian as well as you wrestling with your girlish image…”

To be continued…